


don't care where you've been

by thanks_tacos



Series: don't care where you've been [1]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Abused Dean Winchester, Alpha Castiel (Supernatural), Alpha Castiel/Omega Dean Winchester, Alpha/Beta/Omega Dynamics, Alternate Universe - Domestic, Arranged Marriage, Caring Castiel (Supernatural), Confused Castiel (Supernatural), Dubious Consent, Fluff, Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, M/M, Misunderstandings, Omega Dean, Past Abuse, Scared Dean Winchester, Sick Dean Winchester, brief attempted sexual assault, cas has some learning to do but he means well, nothing really graphic either, the non-con is past and not graphic
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-04-19
Updated: 2020-01-06
Packaged: 2020-01-16 12:29:01
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 24
Words: 175,746
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18521545
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thanks_tacos/pseuds/thanks_tacos
Summary: Dean's life is finally changing. After years of enduring Alastair's abuse, the alpha dies and Dean's married off to the next alpha the system pairs him with - Castiel. The man is strange and distant, but not exactly bad, and Dean's determined to be on his best behavior and not mess up the chance he was given. Soon enough, though, he fucks up anyway and has to call the alpha for help.Castiel's lived his entire life without an omega by his side, and he was fine with that. He doesn't know how to proceed once he's suddenly married to a beautiful man who's obviously been through a lot. Omegas were always a confusing subject to him, so he tries not to interfere much - neither of them is there by their choice. But when Dean calls for help, he understands he's going to have to set some things straight and engage more.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> i love destiel and a/b/o, but this is my first destiel fic, so let me know what you think! any tips are welcome! not beta'd, so sorry for any mistakes along the way.  
>  **added timeline notes** since this fic is a WIP, there are notes in the beginning of each chapter to help keep track of dates when you read, day 1 being the day in the first chapter :)

This is the first time he has to call his alpha. 

His hands are shaking when he picks up the phone, and not just because of the fever. Dean knew he's been coming down with something for a couple of days, but he didn't expect it to be that bad. Managed to hide it entirely from the alpha, or at least it seemed so. Castiel didn't talk and acknowledge him much so it was hard to tell.

'Roman Enterprises, how can I help you?' asks a matter-of-fact female voice. Dean feels his throat close up and he forces himself to swallow. 

'Morning, c-can I speak to Alpha C-Castiel Novak?' he asks, hating how he stutters but scared to death all the same. 

'Who is calling?'

'Oh. Right, sorry, it's, uh, I'm his omega.' 

'I'll see if he's free,' the reply is short and tone clipped. Dean's not surprised. No one really likes to be bothered by their coworkers' needy omegas. He paces nervously around the living room, worrying his lip between his teeth. He feels like he's gonna fall over any second and he knows his face is gotta be burning from the fever, but no one will care about that, so he can't either. 

There's some static on the line, and suddenly he hears a beep and his alpha speaks. 

'Dean?' 

He sounds worried and expectant. Dean's never asked to talk to him before, just kept to himself not to get into trouble. He's managed to do so for three weeks, doing his chores as perfectly as he could and servicing the alpha every evening. Castiel wasn't the worst. He was gentle for an alpha and always cared that Dean wasn't hurting, and that was already a lot. They didn't talk much. The ground rules on the first day, and from then on only short sentences like, I'm gonna be home by nine or Do you need money for groceries? They didn't talk about how their days went, or about their hobbies or anything really, and Dean was accustomed to that. 

He was given to alpha Castiel simply because Alastair, his previous alpha, died and he was back in the system. It didn't look like Castiel wanted to have an omega around. There were some nights when he didn't even want to touch Dean, even though he presented, only telling him that he was too tired. At first Dean wondered if he was really that hideous, almost forty and with an assortment of scars all over his body, but then he decided he would just take the days off when he could. 

'I'm sorry to call you at work, alpha,' he rasps to the phone, and then clears his throat. He's been in worse situations, but now he's sick and so scared of the prospect of the punishment, he can't keep from shaking. 'I - I hope you can forgive me.'

'It's fine, Dean, what is it? Did something happen?' the tone is serious and Dean knows he's already in trouble for calling. It's fine his ass.

'It's just, I've kinda...' he glances around, thinking of how to put it. 'There's been a problem, and it's my fault, and it's going to show up on your billing list, so I wanted to tell you myself. First.'

'What are you talking about?'

'I-I, uh, I got a bit sick in the morning, and I,' he hesitates. 'I kinda, uh, threw up on that white rug that's in the living room. I'm sorry,' he rushes out quickly. 'Look, promise I didn't mean to, it was an accident, but I already called the cleaners and they've picked it up to clean, I've paid with the money you gave me for the cleaning supplies but I swear everything's gonna be clean anyway. I'll use the supplies I still have-'

'Hold on-' Castiel interrupts him. Dean takes a deep breath and plops down on the couch. His hands are shaking so badly, he's afraid he'll drop the phone, and that would be just icing on the cake. '- are you okay? Why were you sick?'

The questions feel kind of out of place, but Dean thinks he probably wants to know if dinner will be ready and papers taken care of and everything. 

'Kinda got a bit of a flu, alpha,' he admits quietly. 'But I'm doing all my chores. And I clean everything after I touch it and I changed the covers, so you won't catch anything, promise.'

'How long are you sick for?'

Dean frowns. Is this also bad? Alastair hated when he showed any signs of weakness. Should he have told Castiel about it? 

'Uh, about three days I think, alpha,' there's silence on the other end and Dean panics after a couple of seconds. 'The rug will be ready tomorrow. I'll pick it up, and I'll do whatever I can to make it up to you, I swear, just, please, if you could just...' not send me to the punishment center '-just, please, forgive me alpha. I know I messed up and I'm so sorry.' 

He hates himself for being like this, sometimes. But when an alpha can do anything to him, and Alastair exercised that right fully, he learned quickly to show respect. He's biting his lip as he waits anxiously for the answer. 

'How do you feel right now?' Castiel asks, finally, but his voice is tight. Dean thinks it's probably because of anger and he feels his stomach drop. He hasn't eaten anything after he threw up but he thinks he might get sick again in that moment. 

'Uh. I have a fever, alpha,' Dean replies, his lips numb. 'A cold, I don't- I don't know...' 

'Please refrain from doing any chores. I'm leaving and will be home shortly.'

Castiel ends the call and Dean's left on the couch, his whole body shaking. He wraps his arms around himself, feeling miserable and scared. He's tried so hard, but alpha's obviously furious, god, if he even comes back from work just to punish him? It's going to be bad. 

His eyes fill with tears and he wipes them away, irritated. He's been through that before, many times. Somehow it never gets easier, though. The punishment center will "correct him". They call it enhancing submissiveness but what it really is, in Dean's opinion, is an excuse for beating the shit out of him and humiliating him. Everytime he's been there, the alpha in charge wanted to use his mouth, and he can't imagine going through that with his nose as stuffed as it is. Usually alphas should control how far the correctioners go, but since Castiel doesn't care for him much, he might just drop him off and let them do whatever, like Alastair did, and Dean feels so ill, his head throbbing since morning and his stomach in knots. He almost passed out cleaning the bathroom, but picked himself up and went on. It's going to be only harder in punishment center. 

He spots some dishes left over in the sink and goes to wash them. He knows that Castiel said not to, but the drive home takes him fifteen minutes, Dean's learnt, and if he sees the dishes he might think Dean was slacking and it will only fuel his anger. Dean's not experienced this alpha being angry yet, but he's a weird man. Only ever wants peanut butter sandwiches for lunch, actually likes to watch documentaries and all of his boxers are exclusively bee-patterned. Dean doesn't know much more, because they don't talk, despite being married. But Castiel has that quiet, sad aura around him, and wears an old school trenchcoat every day, and Dean has no idea what to expect from him. None at all. Which makes it even more scary.

His nose is leaking non stop when he's done with the dishes. He moves upstairs, slowly but persistently, and picks out a change of clothes, a towel and his toothbrush and packs them in a small bag, to be ready to go. It's the last thing he can think of while preparing, so he takes it downstairs and decides to just wait. He sits back down on the couch, the bare wooden panels under his feet constantly reminding him of the rug fuck-up. He's stressed out more than in weeks, but somehow he must doze off, because next thing he knows, the keys jingle in the lock. 

Did the alpha ring and he didn't hear? Shit. 

He gets up, swivels, everything's so blurry. For a moment it's really hard to focus, but he manages to reach the hallway and sink down to his knees. He has to hold onto the doorframe to keep himself upright, but he hopes alpha won't see. His heart is thumping in his chest and then alpha's home, and he stops in the doorway. 

Dean can only see his shoes from his position, keeping his eyes trained submissively on the ground, like he usually is. 

'Dean,' the man breathes out, and it sounds concerned. What is he not doing right? He can't decide, and he's still fuzzy with sleep and his head feels like it weighs a ton. 

'Sorry, alpha,' is all he can whisper. He's shaking and he's aware of it, and when alpha takes a step inside and reaches out to touch him, he flinches away and immediately closes his eyes in defeat. God, how can he be so stupid? He knows he's alpha's to touch, and he's sorry, he's so sorry, he's gotta show it, because words just won't cut it. He tentatively reaches out to alpha's belt, starts unbuckling it, eyes trained on the shiny button, but then alpha's big, warm hands catch his.

'What are you doing?' Dean keeps looking at his crotch, his eyes tearing up again, but he bites his lip hard not to cry. He suspected alpha didn't like his body, but no one ever denied him that yet. He's really good at it, and he could show it, and how else is he supposed to show he's sorry? 'Dean. Dean, look at me, right now.' He looks up, because the voice is serious and cold and he's scared. Castiel looks down at him, those blue intense eyes staring at him, and Dean doesn't know what he sees on his face except maybe extreme confusion. His scent, which Dean can finally pay attention to, isn't angry either. It's really concerned, so worried that it kind of chokes him with the intensity - even though it's reaching Dean limited because of his blocked nose. 'What are you doing?'

'I wanted to sh-show that I'm sorry,' he replies miserably, voice hoarse. 'Let me, please? I can make it real good.'

He licks his lips and hopes alpha will let him, even though he must look like a mess. Maybe that's why alpha doesn't want to, he's just disgusted because Dean's sick. And oh, didn't Dean just think it would be hard to blow someone with no air getting through his nose? He forgot about that. 

'Get up,' Castiel commands and grabs him by the arm. It's not hurtful and Dean's glad he doesn't flinch this time. It's meant to help him get up, he realizes, as he staggers to a standing position. Castiel looks over his arm and sees a bag. 'What's that?' he asks.

'I already packed for the center, alpha,' Dean replies, forcing himself to keep looking at Castiel. He didn't let him look away, after all. He has a good view of even more confusion appearing on his alpha's face, and then in his scent. 

'What center?' he asks again. 

It's Dean's turn to frown. 

'The punishment center?' he inquires timidly, wrapping his arms around himself again. What are the chances alpha didn't plan to send him there? Slim to none, so why is he asking? 

The realization slowly dawns on Castiel's face. At first he looks horrified, and then... apologetic? 

'Dean, no, that's not... You're not going to the center,' he says. Dean can't really believe that. 'You're not, and I'm not going to punish you for anything.' 

'What?' Dean asks, shocked. What kind of game is he playing? 

'Is this about the rug thing? Is that why you think I'm going to punish you, is that why you offer oral sex?' asks Castiel, sounding incredulous. 

'Well, yeah, of course,' Dean replies, shrugging, his cheeks pink with embarassment in addition to the flu. 'I know I messed up. I tried to fix it, and I called you because I thought maybe you could forgive me, just this once, but now I -' he scrunches his face as he feels a sudden coughing fit coming, and he can't keep it away. He coughs and coughs and coughs, and it's wheezing and ugly, and when he finally stops, his eyes sting with unshed tears and alpha's holding him. He has his hand on his back and another on his arm, and he's saying something, but it's hard to make out. 

'...go upstairs,' he understands. 'God, sweetheart, I'm not mad at you, alright?'

Sweetheart?

Then, the rest of it hits home and Dean stumbles backwards, looking up, shocked. 'You're not?'

'No, I never was,' Castiel says. He sighs and looks away for a moment. 'Dean, I know I do not have the best comunication skills. But since it seems there are certain... misunderstandings if we do not communicate, that will have to change.'

'Yes, alpha,' Dean replies, waiting for him to go on. 

'I am very content with everything you do. You are a wonderful housekeeper and cook, and you make my life easier. I have no complaints and if I had, I would have told you. Did you throw up on the rug on purpose? Were you trying to ruin it and make me mad?'

'No, of course not!' Dean protests vehemently. 'It was an accident, I-'

'Then if it was,' Castiel interrupts him in that no-nonsense voice of his. 'An accident, why would you think I would have you punished?'

Dean shrugs helplessly.

'It's just how it is,' he replies weakly. 'My old alpha, he... he told me alphas don't care about the why. They only care about the outcome. So I... I didn't think it would matter.'

'I am not your old alpha,' Castiel admonishes him sternly. Dean ducks his head in response and bares his neck, showing off the scar of a mating bite, hoping to get across that he's sorry. He's shaking like a leaf, but he's glad he doesn't whine out loud. 'Dean, the rules here are different. Yes, I expect obedience and respect. But I can also promise you you will never go to the punishment center, not ever. If there is any punishment, it will be administered by me, but frankly, I doubt it will be ever needed. You have your duties and you perform them without fail,' he closes the gap between them and puts a hand on Dean's arm. 'Look at me,' he orders again, and Dean does. 'I also have mine. I am to protect you, as your alpha, and I have not been doing that. You have been sick for days and I did not notice.'

Dean opens his mouth to protest, to tell him that it doesn't matter, because he's the one who should watch out for himself, but Castiel just raises an eyebrow at him and that makes him stop. He gulps and looks away.

'Now, we are going to go upstairs. You are on bed rest until you feel better, and I will take care of you.'

It's not up for debate; Castiel's simply informing him, and Dean feels himself sag, and just lets him do whatever he wants. The alpha helps him get up the stairs even though he has to go slow, and then tucks him under the covers and an additional blanket. Dean can finally feel some of his shaking subside. Castiel disappears only to come back with a thermometer, and Dean eyes it warily, wondering if he's going to have to take off his boxers. 

'Relax, this one goes under your arm,' Castiel tells him, obviously noticing his apprehension. Dean raises his arm and lets the alpha put the stick there. 'I assure you nothing gets near your hole until you feel better.'

Dean blushes at that as if he were a virgin, but he offers a minimal, grateful smile. They don't talk about sex; they just have it, and to hear Castiel address the issue so explicitly, it's unsettling. But Dean's glad. He couldn't work up the courage to ask the alpha to hold off for a couple days. 

'Thanks,' he says shyly. 'I can still... with my hand? If you'd like to? I'm not totally useless.'

He must sound really vulnerable because Castiel's expression softens. He doesn't reply for a moment, taking off his suit and putting it on a coat hanger, moving around the room. Then, he sits down on the bed next to Dean. 

'Listen to me,' he starts, but this time it's gentle, calm. Almost confidential. 'I know your last alpha did not treat you well. You are doing good here, and if I ever find anything displeasing, I will tell you so you have a chance to fix it. I do not want you to be as scared as today. But Dean, never offer me sexual favors as an apology again,' he warns, and it sends a chill down Dean's spine. 

'Yes, alpha,' he agrees, too nervous to be embarassed, but not to be sad. This time he didn't even want to apologize, he just wanted to show he can still do things. The rejection stings bad, but he just lowers his head not to let the alpha see. It's futile, though; alpha's full attention is on him, so of course he realizes. He can probably smell it, too.

'I think that we have slightly different expectations when it comes to intercourse,' Castiel says and God, why is he always talking so funny? Dean can't understand. 'From now on, I will explicitly tell you when and what I need from you. But I also know omegas have their own needs, so I want you to tell me when you need it, as well. Are you alright with that?'

It might be awkward, but also helpful. Dean nods. As if he's actually going to ask Castiel for sex, right. But he sees how that could simplify things. 

'Alright,' Castiel pats Dean's knee and gets up, takes out the thermometer. He frowns at it. 'You have a high fever. I will make you some medicine, please wait here.'

He vanishes and Dean lets out a breath he didn't know he was holding. The whole thing went differently than he expected. Way, way differently. He thought he'd be in the center by now, getting violated by some unknown alpha. Instead, he's warm and alpha, his alpha, is going to let him rest.

That would never fly with Alastair, ever. 

Dean's lost in thought when Castiel comes back with a colorful mug and a few packets of medicine. He hands Dean the mug - it's water, Dean realizes - and two white pills. Dean looks at them for a moment, remembering vividly how Alastair would drug him sometimes. 

'Take them,' Castiel orders, sitting back on the bed, going through the medication systematically, apparently looking for something. He doesn't check if Dean follows his orders, but he's so confident, Dean knows he's sure he will be obeyed. And he's not wrong. Dean doesn't have the balls to ask what is he taking so he just swallows it. 

'Try to get some sleep, I will find the suitable medicine and give it to you once you rest. Hopefully your temperature will go down after those pills,' Castiel says. Dean nods and waits for the alpha to leave, but he still sits in the same spot, by Dean's legs, studying one of the medicine instructions. 

'Alpha?' Dean asks finally, his voice hoarse again. 

'Yes?' Castiel looks up, a bit irritated, and Dean drops his gaze, folds in on himself.

'What about later, are you going back to work? Should I prepare dinner when I wake up?'

Castiel sighs, and smells disappointed. Fuck, Dean thinks, how is he supposed not to mess up if he can't even figure out what he's doing wrong?

'You're sick, Dean. I will stay and take care of everything. You are going to rest, and only that. I will tell you if I want you to do something,' he repeats slowly, and Dean feels humiliated, it's like he's talking to a child, 'For now, I want you to stay in bed, and only that. Do you understand?'

'Yeah, alpha,' Dean replies, wrapping the blanket and covers more tightly around himself and turning to the side. There was a moment, before, maybe when Castiel told him he was doing a good job, or when he tucked him in, when Dean allowed himself to hope that they could be actual mates with time. Not total strangers, not servant and master... not equals either, obviously, but alpha and omega that have a regular conversation once in a while. He wanted so desperately for Castiel to care at least a little bit about... him. As a person. But it seemed he was wrong, like always, and he was just an asset. It was simple math, really - he couldn't do his job well if he was sick, so Castiel would make sure he'd be ok in no time, and then they would go back to their roles. 

He closes his eyes, making sure no bitterness or sadness bleeds into his scent. It's easier to cover up emotions when he's sick, the smell of fever and cold dominating. It's hard to fall asleep with alpha just by his side like that, but he tries and after some time, the meds must work, because his head feels heavier than ever and he drifts in and out of consciousness. As he almost falls asleep, he thinks he feels someone gently pet his hair. After that, he just dreams.

 

He's woken up abruptly by his own coughing. He wheezes and coughs and it's wet and painful, his chest aches with it and he feels vertigo even though he didn't get out of bed. Castiel comes inside the room and Dean only sees him after he's done and straightens up, gasping for breath and shaking. 

'Your fever has gone down,' is what Castiel says first. 'But we need to do something about the cough. I called my doctor and asked him about appropriate medicine.' 

Dean nods. 

'You will need to inhale this,' Castiel hands him the same mug from before, filled to the brim with hot steaming water. Dean tries to take it, but his hands shake so much, he ends up spilling some on himself. 

'Sorry, sorry...' he whispers, his voice scratchy, setting the mug on the nightstand and wiping the water off of himself. 

'Did you burn yourself?'

It's hard to focus. He blinks but no, he doesn't think it hurt, and he tries to tell the alpha, but all that comes out of his mouth is a rough noise, and he clears his throat but it's so hard to speak, so he just shakes his head. Castiel sighs and gets on the bed as well. Dean watches him in confusion, but he nudges him out of the way and sits right in Dean's spot, leaning against the headboard. 

Dean looks at him, uncomprehending and lost, until Castiel gestures for him to come closer. 

'Come on, lean back against me,' the alpha orders. Dean does so, gingerly and he ends up rigid in between alpha's legs. Alpha makes a displeased sound and pulls Dean closer, until he rests his back on alpha's chest. It's weird, they've never shown affection for eachother before, and Dean knows it's for help rather than comfort but it's still intimate in a way that even sex wasn't. 

Castiel takes the mug and holds it in front of Dean's face.

'Inhale this with your mouth,' he tells the omega, and Dean does so. It doesn't have a smell or taste but he can feel that it's not regular water either, and he feels himself relax after some time. Alpha's holding him close and he finally leans back, lets his head roll into the crook of Castiel's neck, and even with his partially blocked nose he can smell the safety of alpha, mate. It's good and he doesn't need to cough for a while, and alpha smells content for the first time today, and Dean's happy he finally managed to do something right. He feels alpha set the mug down after some time, but his eyes are closed. 

'Does that feel nice, little one?' Castiel asks, his hand going up to pet Dean's hair. Dean lets out a satisfied sigh and presses closer to the touch.

'Yeah,' he whispers. 'Hold me, please?'

Castiel embraces him with his other arm, and Dean feels safer than ever. He floats in a dreamlike state, until he gives in and falls asleep once again.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> timeline: ~3 weeks after their wedding. same day as chapter 1 (04/27) + the next day (04/28)

When he wakes up again, he's alone and burrowed under pillows and blankets. It's warm and cozy and he'd love it if he weren't feeling so weak. At least the fever is gone, he thinks. 

What troubles him more is that he needs to piss, like right the fuck now. He hasn't been allowed to leave the bed, but screw it, it's going to be worse if he wets himself. 

He struggles to get up and has to lean on the nightstand to regain his balance. How a random cold can mess him up so much, he can't understand. But he walks slowly to the bathroom on the other end of the corridor, and quietly groans in relief when he can finally pee. Washes his hands, and when he goes back outside, Castiel stands there, his hands on his hips, obviously exasperated. It would be funny if he weren't an alpha, and instead of laughter, Dean feels cold dread overcome him. 

'I had to go,' he whispers, immediately looking down and starting to shake. He hates himself for it, but it's just his body reacting on autopilot, nowadays. 

'You should have called me,' Castiel says, and gone is the gentle alpha from before. He's authoritative and pissed off now. 'I just told you not to get out of bed, Dean, and I expect to be obeyed.'

'I will obey you,' his words come out hastily, almost pleadingly. 'I didn't know I could call. I'm-'

'Back to bed. Now!' Castiel orders, not yelling yet, but his voice raised. Dean thinks it's the first time he managed to make him mad, and he honestly can't understand why it's become such a big deal. But he scurries off to the bedroom, only to stop after two steps because the world sways to the side and he has to grip the bannister on his right. 

Castiel is behind him, and he wraps an arm around Dean and it makes him go so rigid that he almost wrenches himself out of it on instinct. After a beat, he forces himself to still. Castiel navigates them back to the bedroom and slowly, he finds himself leaning more and more on the alpha, growing weak and dizzy. 

He doesn't even notice when he's back under the covers. He likes the amount of blankets and pillows and pulls them around himself, closer. It's soft and safe, and shelters him. He's quiet, as per usual, and looks expectantly at the alpha, not sure what's going to happen. He probably won't beat him when he's so sick, but he might later.

Alpha touches his forehead, kind of roughly, and Dean flinches. Alpha sighs.

'I suppose it's still down, but you don't look good. If you need to use the bathroom again, call me, do you understand?' he steps away, and Dean nods solemnly. Then, the alpha glances around, contemplating something. 

'Would you like a book or a movie perhaps?' he asks, finally. Dean blinks up at him. _What?_

'Um,' he says, looking at the big TV hanging on the opposite wall. He never uses it, because he doesn't think he's allowed, but the idea of a movie definitely seems pleasing. He loves movies. But... 'I'm alright.'

Castiel must notice his hesitation, however, because he just sighs again and puts the remote on the nightstand. 

'Feel free to watch anything,' he offers. 'I'll be back with some food and more medication later.'

With that, he leaves Dean alone. Dean waits some more time, hoping to just fall asleep, but he doesn't, so he reaches for the remote. Switches the TV on and goes to Netflix. He's sometimes seen Castiel watch it in the living room, that's how he knows about the documentaries. And sure enough, almost all the shows added to the watch list are animal and Earth documentaries. The only movies Castiel seems to consider watching are some of the most popular ones, that Dean would think every man in his right mind has seen past the age of twenty. 

He looks for something for himself, instead. He settles on Nightmare on Elm Street, which he's seen already, like a thousand times, but still enjoys.

He's halfway through the movie, so lost in it that he's forgotten to anticipate his alpha. Castiel comes in and Dean almost jumps up at his sudden presence, fumbling to pause the movie. Castiel looks at the screen and does a double take at Freddie's burnt face, frowning.

'Isn't that too scary for you?' he asks, and Dean feels his fists clench. Part of him wants to shove all the horror flicks in Castiel's face, so that the man would appreciate something else than goddamn giraffe mating rituals, or whatever. 

Another part of him remembers Alastair breaking his arm and shutting him in a closet for a day after he dared to fight for his preferences.

'I can switch it off if you want me to,' he replies, his throat dry. Then, he notices that Castiel's carrying a plate. He bets he would've smelled it before, if his nose weren't so stuffy. It's like it's even worse than in the afternoon. 

'No, if you like it, keep watching. I just thought omegas did not enjoy things like these.'

He sets the plate down, there's barely any space on the nightstand. Dean pulls himself up to sit on the edge of the bed. 

'Well, I do,' he says, his tone meek even to his own ears. He looks at the plate. It's chicken breast with mashed potatoes and a salad with cream and pieces of radish. It looks pretty good. 

'I am not very experienced in cooking, I'm afraid,' Castiel says in the meantime, seeing Dean stare at his food. If he weren't an alpha, Dean could almost think he's embarassed. 'But you do need to eat. I hope it will be fine.'

Dean takes the fork and cuts off a piece of chicken before bringing it to his mouth. He doesn't taste too much, not with his cold, but he can still feel some herbs and spices. It's not over or undercooked either. He's a little shocked, to be honest - his alpha might actually be a great cook. 

'No, that's, uh, it's good,' he assures his alpha, chewing slowly. 'Like. Really good. Did you - did you add garlic?'

'Yes,' Castiel replies, looking weirdly proud of himself. 'And paprika. And some of the herbs you usually use.'

Dean hums, too busy stuffing his face with potatoes to answer. He didn't realize he was so hungry. He finishes in record time, while Castiel just stands there and watches him. It would creep him out, but he can't find it in himself to care. The alpha seems approving, too, which is a nice change. 

'That was awesome, thank you, alpha,' he says, putting the fork down. Castiel takes the plate back, Dean feeling weird about it, because it's a role reversal he isn't used to. 

'Take the pills,' Castiel nods towards the medication that he brought with. 'Two of each. Then rest. I have to work, I'll be back to go to sleep shortly.'

Right. The sleep. Dean's halfway through swallowing pills when he almost chokes on them, trying to quickly ask the question before alpha leaves the room. 

'Alpha,' he rasps out, clears his throat and tries again. Castiel pauses in the doorway. 'I can sleep on the couch. I mean, I'm sick, I don't wanna get you sick too.'

'It's fine, Dean, I'm sure if I were to get sick, I would be already. And I took some vitamins, so do not worry about me.'

'...Okay,' Dean replies, unconvinced, but alpha goes away anyway.

 

When he comes back two hours later, Dean's in the middle of Texas Chainsaw Massacre, and really desperate to go pee again. Alpha's already changed into a different pair of bee boxers and a black t-shirt. He looks handsome; Dean's always thought he's good looking, but it doesn't really matter. It's obvious that he's not into Dean, and it's just looks, after all. Not like Dean knows anything about his personality. And despite what alphas like to think, omegas don't only want a body with a knot.

Dean turns off the TV and sits up. 

'I need to go, alpha,' he says, and there's a momentary confusion on alpha's face, before he nods and helps Dean up. Dean tries really hard not to be a burden and to move on his own, but it's harder than it seemed. They make it to the bathroom, eventually, and Dean attempts to close the door, but Castiel stops him. 

'I won't look,' he says, his blue eyes serious. 'But I want the door open.'

A tired, unpleasant chill goes through Dean; that's an order, and he doesn't like it, and he's scared and weary. But he's not gonna fight it. It takes him a moment to do his business, hyper aware of Castiel being just outside of the door. When he's done, he also quickly brushes his teeth, happy to make his mouth feel fresh again. True to his word, Castiel doesn't peek inside, and he also doesn't make a move on Dean as they're laying back in bed minutes later. They're sleeping back to back, with some space between them, as they typically do. 

The next day is easier. Dean wakes up early, but Castiel sleeps and sleeps and sleeps, and there's no usual alarm to wake him up. Dean wonders if he should get up and make breakfast, but decides against it and falls into a light slumber. His throat aches, his nose is leaking and he still feels like shit. But he knows what to expect today. Sort of.

Castiel finally wakes about ten, confused and half asleep. He looks at Dean, frowns, runs a hand through a horrible case of bed hair. Dean stares back. Castiel reaches out and touches Dean's cheek, which makes the omega jump a little.

'How do you feel?' he asks, his voice raspy and mumbling. He squints hard, takes his hand back and wipes it over his eyes. 'I hate mornings.'

'A little better,' Dean replies, his own voice equally gravelly. Castiel turns around, throws back the covers and agonizingly slowly climbs out of bed. 

'I'll make you breakfast,' he announces, but takes a lot of time standing in place and then trying to pick some day clothes. Dean sits up, awake now. He doesn't want to stay in bed another day.

'Alpha?' he asks, nervous but determined. Castiel hums in reply, picking up his pants. 'Can I please go downstairs and sit with you?'

Castiel turns around and looks at him for a moment. Dean puts a lot of effort into looking subdued and pleading. Castiel sighs.

'I suppose so,' he says. 'You really can't stay in bed, can you?'

'I don't wanna be alone,' Dean replies, and it catches him by surprise. That's not what he meant to say. He _literally_ doesn't want to be alone, because it's boring, and he feels nervous because alpha's somewhere else doing things he's supposed to be doing. He doesn't mean it in a whiny, alpha-i-need-you-so way. 

Castiel's expression softens, then twists into something sad, and he turns around. Puts on a t-shirt and some yoga pants. 

'Come with me, then,' it's not an order this time, more like an invitation, one that Dean eagerly accepts. He jumps out of bed only to realize the move was too bold. He's alright, though; needs to grip the nightstand, but wins back his balance. Castiel goes to his side and supports him like before. They go downstairs, slowly, and alpha deposits Dean on the stool by the wide wooden kitchen table. 

'Are you cold?' he asks. Dean likes the kitchen. The yellow colors make it look optimistic, and Dean knows well where everything is. He can also see the outside through the window, the sun rays seeping through. 

'No, alpha,' he replies, resting his elbows on the clean, polished table. It's fairly cozy inside the house, and the grey t-shirt and sweatpants he's been wearing since the day before keep him warm enough.

'What do you like to drink?'

Dean swallows and looks up. Tries to pinpoint if the alpha asks what he likes, or what he wants right now.

'Uh, can I have coffee?' he asks. He doesn't drink it here, because Alastair wouldn't let him, but Castiel didn't say anything. He has an incredible coffee maker and the smell of coffee makes Dean's mouth water everytime he prepares it for the alpha, but he never worked up the courage to ask to have some. Now, though, in the soft light and pleasant - even if illusive - safety of the kitchen, he's not too scared to ask.

'Of course,' alpha replies, not making a deal out of it. 'How do you take it?'

And again, not telling him to take it any way, but asking. It's weird, Dean's not used to being able to make so many choices, and he wonders if Castiel is always like that or just now. 

'Black, if I can. No sugar,' he specifies, and watches in slight amazement as Castiel takes out a big mug, different than before, and starts to make him coffee. Dean closes his eyes and rests his head on his arms. He must doze off again, the lack of tension making him relaxed, because the next time he opens his eyes, there's a blanket around his shoulders, a mug full of steaming coffee, and Castiel has his back to him, flipping eggs on the pan. Dean gladly takes a sip and the taste is rich and full; it's gotta be the good stuff. He smiles into the mug, and catches Castiel turn around to watch him. He stares at him for a moment with an expression Dean can't decipher. 

'I still think you should go back to bed,' he finally says, pointing at Dean with the spatula. Dean's smile vanishes and he grips the mug.

'Okay,' he almost whispers, sliding the blanket down his arms and starting to get up. Castiel leaves the eggs and is by his side in a split second.

'No!-' he starts erratically, only to stop himself when Dean freezes, unwanted fear coursing through him. He looks down and tries to make himself smaller, but Castiel just fixes the blanket back around him, and guides him to sit back down. 'It wasn't an order, Dean. I was just-'

They both look up as they realize the eggs start to burn and Castiel runs back to them to turn down the heat. He sighs over the contents of the pan, leaning on the counter, and Dean sees how his hands form tight fists with nails digging in. His first instinct is that alpha's angry, but he doesn't have time to worry, because he can smell something different. It's not anger. He can tell Castiel's sad and frustrated.

'Alpha?' he asks quietly. Castiel doesn't turn back, but his shoulders are tense. 'It's okay, I can still have the eggs. I like them-' he hesitates just a split second, his heart beating fast and his mouth dry. '- I mean, scrambled are okay, but I _love_ them slightly charred.'

There's a moment where he's sure Castiel won't get the joke, that he'll lash out or worse, take it seriously, but he must get that something's up because he turns around to face Dean and Dean cracks a minimal smile at that, then shrugs. Castiel slowly smiles too, even if it's small, and Dean feels like they're both idiots, staring at eachother with the burned eggs in the background.

'I don't think they're salvageable,' Castiel announces finally, bringing the pan over to Dean. 'But you tell me, you're the chef around here.'

'I think they're good,' Dean replies, judging the product. 'We'll just cut off the bad bits. I really liked that thing you made for dinner yesterday, alpha.'

'I'm glad,' Castiel sighs, taking out two plates. He puts the eggs there and toasts some bread in the meantime. 'I never cooked much for myself, before.'

'What did you eat?' Dean asks, genuinely curious. He reaches for a knife and cuts off the darker - well, black - parts of eggs.

'Ramen, mostly,' Castiel replies, with a dry smile. 'Sometimes frozen products. Sometimes takeout.'

'What, like, for years?' Dean raises his eyebrows. 'Damn.'

Then cringes internally and quickly looks up at the alpha. Alastair would definitely slap him for a bad word.

'I used to work more than I do now,' Castiel explains, unaware of the distress Dean's going through. 'Took a lot of hours to get the position I have now. Which basically means an office to myself and a bit more money.' 

Dean understand it's sarcasm, and wonders why alpha sticks to the job for so long if it makes him unhappy. He always comes back home tired and works from home, too, sitting on a computer until his eyes start to close while Dean supplies more and more caffeine. Times like these, Castiel doesn't even acknowledge him, lost in whatever's happening on screen. Times like these, Dean wonders why, with all the endless opportunities alphas have, would anyone choose a job that makes you look so miserable when you work.

'You have your own office, alpha?' he asks instead. Castiel places the ready toast on the plates and sits down opposite to Dean. The meal is a far cry from yesterday's chicken breast, but Dean still digs in with gusto. 

'I oversee the entire team from there,' Castiel responds, chewing his toast. 'It's good to have my own space, but it's lonely from time to time.'

Dean nods, wolfing down the eggs and toast like his life depends on it. The eggs are good. The eggs are freaking _fantastic_ , in the morning when he's so hungry, when alpha's not mad and actually talking to him. Dean thinks it's because it's still relatively early and they're both tired. There's something about mornings that strips away the tension. 

Castiel doesn't eat too much, but he chugs his coffee until the mug's empty. He starts to look more awake now, but still disgruntled. Dean wonders how he survives years of a 9 to 5 job; he's only known him for three weeks and Castiel's always obviously suffering when he has to get up. Not that Dean's such a morning person himself - but he doesn't have a choice. 

'What-' Dean starts, a little unsure. Castiel glances at him, noticing his apprehension, but nods for him to go on. 'What is it that you do, alpha?'

Castiel looks perplexed for a moment, staring ahead and blinking slowly. 

'Oh,' he replies, evidently surprised. 'I suppose I never told you. I work in IT.'

Right. The computers make even more sense now. 

'Okay,' Dean acknowledges the information. It doesn't tell him much, but that's as far as he's gonna go with questioning the alpha. It's none of his business, anyway.

Castiel seems to want to tell him more, though.

'I started out making websites and managing networks,' he explains, staring down his empty mug. 'It was years ago. Later, applications started being more popular so I took interest in that. I worked in many IT sectors in the Roman Enterprises. In fact, it's the only place I've ever worked at,' He frowns, as if he realizes something. He's silent for a moment, then glances up at Dean. 'Never mind, I'm certain that's boring.'

'It's not!' Dean assures him quickly, but he knows he's not being taken seriously. Alpha thinks he's just trying to please him, which, true, he often is. But he'd really like to know more about alpha. He just doesn't know how to ask. And before he can work up any courage, Castiel gets up, puts their plates in the sink and heads back to help Dean up off the stool.

'Alright, it's back to bed for you,' he announces, waiting for Dean to slowly rise and leading him back upstairs. Dean's not even sleepy yet, especially after his _(awesome)_ coffee and he hates the fact that he's going to have to stay in bed again. But he's not gonna protest.

Castiel puts him under the covers, and tells him to take two more pills. At least those are helping. Dean thinks he doesn't have a fever at all since yesterday, and the cough has disappeared... Maybe he'll have to inhale that water thing again, though. He's stupidly hopeful for that. His alpha had hugged him and... _caressed_ him back then. Dean hates the word, but he doesn't know what else to call it. The touch was soft and nice and safe, and he's never felt anything like it. Not coming from an alpha, anyway. Cause back when dad-

'Are you okay?' 

Dean startles. He didn't notice he spaced out and he's holding a glass but not drinking, the white pills he put in his mouth dissolving on his tongue. 

'Yeah,' the taste is bitter but only reaches him now, and he winces before taking a swig and swallowing them. Castiel's still watching him when he's done. 

'Are you sure?' this time, the question isn't pressing, it's more tentative. 

'Yes, sorry. I'm sure,' Dean tries to sound convincing. He is fine, after all. 'Can I please watch TV?' he asks when Castiel's bending down to take out his laptop from his briefcase. 

'Of course,' Castiel straightens up. 'I'll be downstairs, working on a project. Call me if you need anything. Even the bathroom.' 

'I will, alpha.'

And he's left alone. Again. 

He doesn't know why it bothers him, Castiel was leaving him alone most of the time, and even if he wasn't, they didn't talk. That was okay. When alpha's gone, he can't lay a finger on him and he can't rub in Dean's face what a failure he is.

But with Alastair, it was different. Alastair was mostly unpredictable and inventively cruel. Dean's entire focus was on survival for the almost twenty years he's spent with the man, and he was on edge all the time, attempting to avoid triggering his alpha's rage. It was a testament to his persistence that he managed to predict what Alastair would want from him quite often, and learnt to read his moods. Of course, that sometimes meant choosing the lesser evil to get away from more... violent consequences. 

Castiel isn't like that. Castiel doesn't even notice him ninety nine percent of the time. And he's good to Dean, but. Dean has no idea how to make himself useful to him. He did say he appreciated what Dean's been doing, but Dean wants to do more. He wants to please the alpha, to impress him. He wants to never make him mad. And he knows, deep down, how messed up that is, but when alpha talks to him, or pets him so gently, Dean forgets about any logic. Company and kindness and safety feel good, and he wants desperately to deserve them. He recognizes Alastair was a bit too demanding, sometimes his orders were impossible to follow for Dean's getting-older body, but at least he always made use of Dean. Dean felt like he was really there. Even if it meant living in constant panic. 

But he supposes that's the problem. Castiel doesn't need him, and when Dean's not focused on survival, he has just way too much time to think. About himself. About his life. About the past.

That's not something he wants. He just wants to be a good omega. 

He switches the TV on to pick an engaging movie that would keep his mind off things.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for all the comments and kudos, it all means so much! im fueled to write like i havent been in a long time and it honestly feels great. chapter 3 is almost done! its gonna be Cas's pov and a bit longer. tune in soon for the next episode of cas and dean learn how to live together! :) 
> 
> p.s. curious to hear what you think! if u wanna comment (even to drag me), feel free


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> timeline: same day as chapter 2 (04/28).

Castiel goes through lines of code with maximum focus, but the green font on the dark grey background only makes his eyes ache. It's a simple program, written by Benny to approve passwords input by new clients on the website. He's been doing it for years, yet he can't get Dean upstairs out of his head. 

He's so relieved that the medication seems to be helping. He was really close to panicking when he saw how out of it the omega was yesterday. He knows that omegas are clingy things, but Dean never seemed like one. Castiel's aware that he has been through years of abuse and assumed the omega didn't like much contact. They don't usually disclose things like these at the omega center, but Dean's file told him everything; the broken bones, the head traumas he's been admitted with, the full body picture that's always included, in Dean's case showing nice and clear the number of varying scars on the omega's back, arms, legs, everywhere. Except for his face. His face looked untouched but so weary that Castiel knew from the get-go it was going to be tough. And then the lady at the center told him some other facts, in confidence. That cases like these happened from time to time, and Castiel would have to be... delicate. That Alastair, the previous alpha, was a real creepy type, always scared her when she would have to do a yearly check up on the omega, and that the omega himself was very well-behaved but terrified to death.

Why did it have to happen? He's lived forty-three years without having to take care of any omega. He always knew he wasn't fit for the job, and by the beginning of the year, he was sure he's managed to avoid his name being drawn for the arranged mating thing. His family teased him endlessly about being single, but his family was the main cause of him having the omega issue, of course. Not that he was going to tell Dean about it. 

Either way. He decided distance was the best bet in this case. Dean seemed content to be left to do his own thing and very eager to hear all the rules. Castiel didn't know much about omegas, and the few websites he's consulted left him mostly in revulsion. But some of the tips were the same across all pages he's read; omegas liked to clean, cook, please the alpha, cuddle and have sex. They _loved_ to have sex.

Castiel's never been with an omega prior to having Dean, but the omega presented on the first night, and obviously, they had to knot in order for him to get a mating bite. Castiel was very careful throughout, keeping in mind Dean's previous experiences, and he thinks he did alright. He didn't think Dean was hurt in the process, and when asked, Dean himself said he was fine. Castiel's learned Dean tend to say he was fine a lot of the time when he wasn't, but he presented again the next night, so he must've wanted it. And Castiel complied. It wasn't bad, even if they didn't have any feelings for each other; they were omega and alpha, the way it was supposed to be, so some primal part of him took over every time and it was fine, even pleasurable to some degree. 

But every night was too much for his over-forty body, especially when he didn't feel overwhelming arousal. Dean was beautiful, even as scarred as he was, and a big part of Castiel just wanted to shelter him and hold him. But the omega was scared. He was scared from the start and he continued to be scared, even though Castiel tried so hard to leave him alone and show him that he wasn't going to hurt him. The smell of fear haunted him enough that sometimes he felt like he could catch a whiff of it in his office. And yesterday, when he thought Castiel was going to drive him to a punishment center - that hit him hard. The flinches and poorly concealed panic. The frantic way he tried to give Castiel a blowjob, even though he could hardly keep from passing out. The tiny hope in his voice when he asked Castiel if he's _really_ not mad. It broke Castiel's heart. He even already packed, goddamnit. 

As if Castiel hadn't proved that he would _never_ do anything like Alastair.

He lets out a long, frustrated sigh and puts his head in his hands. He's starting to have a headache and he doesn't know what to do; when he approaches Dean, he freaks out, when he tries to talk, he ends up talking about himself... surely Dean's not interested in Castiel's whining about his job. But what else is he supposed to talk about? He doesn't want to intrude and ask Dean about his past, that would definitely trigger some bad memories. It's like he's running in circles. No matter what he does, it ends up being a bad thing. 

Not for the first time, he wishes the man upstairs would be gone from his life. 

But he's not gonna be, at least not for the next couple months. The trial period is six months, and after that, he could return Dean to the center. Except that would feel bad. That would feel like abandoning him, and Dean's not done anything wrong. He would probably think he did, though. So Castiel has to get a grip and try to make it work. Even if he fucks up a lot first.

Easier said than done. He straightens up and glares at the code, determined to make that work at least. 

Strings, if-elses and booleans glare back at him. 

A sudden, loud ring of the bell breaks him out of his trance. He frowns, but gets up, the laptop forgotten. He doesn't really get any visitors, and it's not the time for the postman to arrive.

As he heads to the door, he hears that the movie upstairs has been paused, and Dean calls out :

'Alpha? Should I... get that?' 

The question is hesitant and loaded with anxiety, and Castiel shuts his eyes in exasperation. He told Dean to stay in bed a million times, but he still wants to tumble down the stairs half-conscious so that Castiel can stay glued to his laptop. God forbid the alpha is disturbed, right? 

He forces himself to sound exceptionally calm.

'No, it's alright, I'll get it. Stay in bed.' 

'Okay,' he hears the rustle of covers as Dean settles back down, but the movie doesn't start up again. 

He goes to open the door. 

It's Mrs. Miller. She's older, in her seventies, and an alpha. She lives next to Castiel in a well-kept house with a garden that inspires envy, and they greet each other from time to time. But they've never had an actual, longer than two sentences conversation, so Castiel's surprised.

She smiles as she sees him, but she looks a bit concerned, too.

'Hello, Castiel,' she says. 'I'm looking for your omega. Is he alright? He didn't show up today.'

Castiel furrows his brow, speechless for a moment. How do they even know each other?

'Show up where?' he asks, dumbfounded.

Mrs. Miller frowns now, a little reluctant to reply. 

'He didn't mention, I see,' she wonders slowly, and it only fuels Castiel's unease. 'It's not that important, anyway. He helps me out with groceries, sometimes.'

Oh. Castiel exhales slowly -

(in relief)

\- 'I didn't know,' he admits. 'I'm at work a lot. He's not out today, he's sick.'

'Oh dear,' Mrs. Miller gasps, and Castiel can tell it's not just being polite, she's really worried. 'Is it something...'

'-It's not serious,' Castiel interjects. He exits his house and shuts the door behind him so that they both stand on his porch. 'It's a cold, but I think it's been a very bad one. He didn't tell me it's been going on for days. I didn't...' he trails off. He's not going to cry on this woman's shoulder. 'Anyway, he's doing better. But he needs to stay in bed. I could help you out with your groceries today?'

Mrs. Miller shakes her head. 

'No, thank you,' she declines. 'I was just concerned. Your omega is a very nice neighbor to have, and he usually knocks on my door and asks if I need help before he leaves shopping. I was worried he fell down the stairs or something else happened. He visited me two days ago and I didn't think he was sick, either.'

'I'm sure he's going to be fine. He just needs some medication,' Castiel doesn't say it, but the fact that he's not the only one who failed to recognize Dean's cold is somewhat uplifting. That might mean he's not a terrible, self-absorbed human being, that maybe Dean's just really good at hiding that he's unwell. 

'Good,' Mrs. Miller smiles. It makes her look younger than the white hair in a thick braid and the wrinkles surrounding her eyes would suggest. 'Please give him my get well wishes. If you need any help with medication, don't hesitate to come over.'

'Thank you,' Castiel says, meaning it, and she turns around to leave... but he stops her. 'Actually - there's something I think I could use help with.'

'Yes?' she raises her eyebrows questioningly. 

'How do you do when it comes to cooking?'

She laughs a little, a short, amused sound. 'I think I get by fine,' she replies. 

'Could you give me some tips or recipes? I'm not very experienced and I need to cook for Dean. I think he really likes to eat.'

'Don't we all,' she laughs again. Castiel finds himself smiling a little. Her attitude makes him feel better. 'I have a cookbook at my house. Come on, you can borrow it.'

'Great,' he says and follows her in his flip flops. He hopes Dean won't get nervous left alone; he's gonna be gone five minutes at most. 

 

It takes twenty-five minutes, but he's back and armed with new cooking knowledge. He locks the door behind himself and heads upstairs. There's a movie back on, a man trying to massacre a woman with a chainsaw in a place that appears to be a slaughterhouse, but Dean's sound asleep. He's propped up on the pillows and surrounded by two bundled up blankets. Castiel cocks his head to the side, because the sight reminds him of something, and soon he understands - a nest. His omega is trying to nest. 

He's not very familiar with the concept, but he knows it's something omegas do to feel safer and at home. They bring soft things and burrow themselves in them. Dean's older, and been through a lot, and defies some ideas Castiel had about omegas - like them liking romantic movies, not nightmarish ones, or drinking sweet drinks, while Dean prefers black coffee. It's all small things, but they made Castiel forget Dean might still enjoy customs that regular omegas do. Nesting didn't even come to his mind, before. 

He finds two more blankets in the closet. They're freshly washed and ironed (by Dean) and smell pleasantly of flowers and freshness. He knows omegas like to snatch alpha's clothes too, but he thinks it's way too early for that. For all he knows, he, and by extension his smell, only make Dean scared. 

He covers the omega with two other blankets. Since he has a cold, extra warmth will only help him sweat out the sickness. He can arrange it however he wants when he wakes up. 

Castiel takes a step back to admire his work. Dean looks peaceful when he sleeps, his face smoothed out, his hair mussed and his cheeks flushed. It stirs something in Castiel's chest, this weird feeling of responsibility, and he thinks: _this is my omega. This omega is mine._

It's an odd thought, but it's true. He pauses the movie and turns around to go downstairs. The chicken breast was a one time wonder, thanks to a great tutorial video he found online, but this time he has to up the ante. 

 

Castiel spends the afternoon cooking beef enchiladas with fried vegetables - a thing he'd never thought he'd taste, let alone make. He messes up a bit, but the cookbook he got from Mrs. Miller helps. He's glad Dean's got the fridge so well stocked because all the right ingredients are available. When he puts enchiladas in the oven, he goes over the code again and finds it easier to check for mistakes. It's about four when he thinks he's done, and he goes upstairs to Dean, who's still asleep. The pills must have knocked him out cold. 

He stops next to the bed and wonders how to wake Dean up without startling him. 

'Dean?' he whispers, reaching out to gently run his hand through his dark blond hair. The omega seemed to like that before. Though Castiel suspects he was just distracted because of the medication and sickness; when he had to help the omega inhale the saline solution, he was so drowsy he actually let himself be held and calmed down. 

Dean leans into the touch greedily, even though he's still asleep; he stirs, sighs quietly in contentment. Castiel smiles fondly, petting his hair some more behind his ears, at the base of his skull, brushing the lone strands off of his forehead. The omega is so sweet like this.

'Dean-' he mutters, a little louder. 'Dean, wake up.'

It only takes seconds for Dean to register his voice this time. Castiel watches as his eyes blink open, and he freezes upon seeing the alpha. He's instantly terrified, and the acrid fear-smell hits Castiel like a tidal wave. Dean sends a cowed look his way as he quickly backs away from his outstretched hand. Castiel's smile disappears.

'I- I'm sorry I fell asleep,' Dean murmurs, his voice rough and gravelly again, and he looks vaguely alarmed, even if still sleepy. 'I- I didn't think- didn't think I'd do that. I wasn't tired- ' he frowns a little as he realizes that. His eyes flick to the pills by the table and he licks his dry lips, slowly, as if remembering the bitter taste.

Castiel can sense the lingering question. 

'Yes, I think it's because of the medication,' he supplies, brushing the covers to the side and sitting down next to Dean. That doesn't seem to calm him down. The smell of fear only increases, and Castiel stifles a sigh. 

'I - ' Dean glances at him, then at the pills, then hesitates. 'Those are- I mean. I-'

Castiel wants to help him out, but he doesn't know what he means, so he lets him struggle this time and waits patiently. He sees how hard Dean fights to get the words out, even though he starts to shake a little, like before. 

'I'll try to sleep more on my own,' he finally says. It's quiet and for some reason it makes Castiel sad. Well, sadder than it usually does. 'If you want me to. I don't like drugs,' he looks up at Castiel, suddenly, his green eyes open wide. 'Please. I don't- you don't have to, of course, but- I can sleep on my own. Or I can just shut up and lay here. I'll stay in bed. Please, I'll stay in bed. That's cause I wanted to leave the bed, right? You can just tell me. I know you told me before. And I didn't listen, but now I will, I promise-'

Castiel's headache comes back full force. He can't stop himself and grips Dean's hand, trying to keep him from panicking, but it has the opposite effect, of course. Dean jumps away, hits the headboard with his arm and whimpers, shutting his eyes, shaking.

'I'm sorry,' Castiel says, quickly taking his hand back. 'Dean, calm down.'

Dean tries, he sees that he tries, and he appreciates that. 

'Don't be scared,' he continues, his voice low and hopefully soothing. 'I'm not mad. The pills are for the fever and cold. One of their side effects is making people sleepy. They're not sleeping pills. And I'd never give anything like that to you without asking first.'

Dean uncurls a little, peeks at him doubtfully.

'You didn't - you didn't say,' he whispers. 'What they were for. I didn't know I could ask.'

He starts coughing, then, and he's stopped coughing for almost a day, but eventually, Castiel thinks, the power of inhaling must've worn off. But at least when he's coughing his lungs out, he doesn't have the energy to be afraid. Castiel runs a hand down his face. Small victories.

He moves to sit in front of Dean on the bed, Indian style. Waits for him to stop coughing. Doesn't touch him this time. 

'Can we talk?' he asks, once Dean's back to breathing normally, at least for the time being. Dean eyes him warily, but nods. Like always, he nods.

'If you ever have any questions, and I mean any,' Castiel announces, hoping to sound stern but not scolding. 'Ask. I won't get mad.'

Dean shakes his head.

'What if I ask a wrong one?' he smiles bitterly, and it's such a different smile from the one he wore in the morning, it's unsettling to Castiel. 

'There are no wrong ones.'

'Okay, alpha,' Dean agrees, compliant as ever. He doesn't believe him. That's fine, he'll get it in time, Castiel tells himself.

'How do you feel?'

Dean wonders for a moment about this one, picking at the hem of his shirt, which Castiel thinks is an excuse not to look him in the eye.

'Better,' he says, finally. 'My nose is better. I can smell things. And my head doesn't hurt as much. But the cough is back,' he sounds miserable as he says that. 'I just wanna be okay so you don't have to stay at home for me,' he confesses, quiet and timid.

'I don't mind staying at home for you. That's my job,' Castiel assures him, but all he gets back is a beginning of a scoff that's quickly tamped down before it can really form. 'Why don't you like the pills?'

 _That's_ an example of a wrong question, apparently. Dean folds in on himself. 

'You don't want me to talk about Ala- my previous alpha,' he retorts, defensive, but not disrespectful. Castiel knows he hopes that'll be enough to leave the subject alone.

It won't.

'You can talk about him anytime. I just don't want you to think things will be the same here,' he waits for the message to get across to Dean, but doesn't see any reaction. 'So, why?'

Dean fidgets under his stare, still picking at his shirt.

'I don't have much control,' he says, and it's so very quiet, Castiel has to strain to hear. 'And that's okay, obviously. You're my alpha. You get to decide things. But I - I'd rather force my body to do things than to take meds. My old alpha, he'd give me those pills when I was in heat.'

Castiel raises his eyebrows. He knows Dean doesn't have heats anymore, he's too old for them, but that's fine, cause he doesn't have ruts either. But in the past...

'Why would he do that?' 

'He didn't like to deal with an omega in heat. He said it's too gross,' Dean shrugs a little, his cheeks getting redder. He's embarrassed. 'I mean, he was right. It was messy. But the pills, they'd just knock me out for days because he didn't like to hear me whine or cry or anythin'. Cause it, you know, burns, if you don't -' he trails off, gesturing towards his backside, and then stops. Clears his throat. 'Anyway. I wouldn't remember anything, but I'd be sick afterwards. Like, too hot, or fainting, or puking my guts out. It felt... wrong. And the pills, I don't... they... I just don't like them,' he finishes lamely.

There's a moment of silence, where Dean wrings his hands, staring at his lap, and Castiel reels from the confession. He can't even imagine being forced to go comatose every couple of months against his will, while his body hurt and burned and longed to be filled. And afterwards? How badly it must've hurt? What kind of withdrawal Dean's body had to go through? He's never heard of any alpha treating their omegas like that. He knew some didn't like to mate during heat, that's true. But to his knowledge, they never drugged their mates. And most alphas loved heats - the omegas were supposed to be insatiable then. 

'Those were whole days that I'll never remember.'

The words are uttered softly, with resignation. Castiel looks over at Dean, who has his head hung low, waiting for his reaction. His thick fingers - some odd angled, from what Castiel assumes are badly healed breaks - pull and twist the hem of his grey shirt anxiously.

'So,' Castiel starts, fighting to find words. He hopes to God they will be correct. 'You're telling me you've never had an alpha be with you through your heat?' 

The omega shakes his head. He looks small and sad and embarrassed, which he has no business doing. Castiel feels anger rise in his chest. Omegas are fragile, yes, but Dean cannot possibly be self-conscious about being mistreated like that.

'Dean, I am so sorry that happened to you,' he says, his voice strong and earnest. Dean starts a little and glances up at him, surprise written all over his face. 'I knew your alpha hurt you, but this is beyond what I imagined. That should never have happened.'

'But it did,' Dean replies. It's not angry, and it's not heartbreaking, it's just stating a fact. He shrugs, a self-deprecating smile playing on his lips. Another ugly smile. 'I'm just an omega. It doesn't matter. Can we-'

It's clear he wants to end the conversation, feels exposed, but Castiel's not having it.

'You're not just any omega. You're _my_ omega,' he interrupts, fiercely, leaning forward. He expects Dean to start shaking again, but he doesn't. He flinches a little, but holds his position, gazing at Castiel with wide green eyes. 

'I know, alpha, ' Dean replies, like it's the most obvious thing in the world. 'I belong to you.'

'I'm taking care of you,' Castiel rephrases, insisting. 'I'll never hurt you.'

'I know,' Dean repeats, but the difference between those two, seemingly identical sentences is stunning. Castiel's not sure if the omega's aware, but the words are empty the second time, something he's learned he has to say but doesn't believe in.

Fine. He'll make him believe.

He gets up, leaving Dean on the bed, and picks up the pills.

'No more of that,' he announces. 'I'll bring you different ones, some that won't make you sleepy. Will that be alright?'

Dean still seems to be recovering from Castiel's previous speech, but he focuses on him, dazed. 

'Yes,' he replies, weak at first, but then the meaning of it really gets to him, and he looks so grateful. 'Yes, thank you so much. Thank you, alpha. That would be perfect,' he stumbles out of bed, and it alarms Castiel, but this time Dean's quick enough to reach him before he can react. The omega's hand goes straight to his pants.

'Can I make you feel good now?' he asks. Castiel doesn't know if he wants it. It looks like he wants to, but there's an urgency to that instead of arousal. At least Castiel can't smell nor see any. 'It's not an apology thing,' Dean reassures him, seeing his hesitation. Or maybe, makes an excuse. 'It's a thank you thing.'

Castiel takes his hand, gently, hoping not to spook him, and this time Dean doesn't bolt. He's tense as Castiel leads them back to bed and puts him under the covers once again. 

'I have an idea,' he says. It might be a terrible idea, but it might also be good. 50/50 chance, and he hopes he lands the latter. 'Every time you wanna thank me, I have something I want you to do.'

'Yeah?' Dean asks, attentive. Almost hopeful. Using his need to please feels a little bad, but if it's gonna help them out in the long run, Castiel is going to do it.

'I want you to tell me a fact about yourself.'

Dean raises his eyebrows, baffled.

'A fact? About me?'

'That's right. That's what I want. Every time I do something you like, and you wanna thank me.'

'Okay...' he can practically hear Dean's thoughts racing through his head, trying to find traps in this approach, trying to figure out what to say to not break any imaginary rule he keeps entertaining. 'I could just... tell you - like whenever you ask, I'll tell the truth, I don't know what else-'

'It doesn't have to be anything special, honey,' Castiel explains, seeing Dean begin to get nervous. 'Just whatever. Something that you like, something you don't, a place where you've been, what you've eaten for breakfast.' Dean gulps, looks away for a moment. Castiel waits. Dean's eyes dart around the room, until they finally stop at the alpha. 

'I- I like music?'

It's more of a question than a response, uncertain as it is, but Castiel smiles, pats his hand and gets up.

'Music. That was good, exactly what I wanted, Dean. Thank you,' he says. Dean's watching him, surrounded by blankets, still puzzled. 

'I'm going to bring you dinner now, and some more saline solution. Sit tight,' he tells Dean and is sure the omega will. 

A couple minutes later, he comes back with enchiladas and vegetables. Dean asks him to go the toilet and coughs and wheezes all the way there. When they're back, he devours the meal and seems to like it, too. He only pushes around the few pieces of broccoli left on the plate and Castiel doesn't force him to finish it. He hands him the mug with another dose of the solution and Dean inhales it slowly, glancing at Castiel from time to time, as if waiting for something. He even moves back on the bed to sit by the headboard. 

Castiel has no idea if he's worried that he's done something wrong again. 

'Oh, Mrs. Miller sends her get well wishes,' he mentions, suddenly remembering. Dean's hand trembles and some water spills, but not much. The man pales.

'You're mad?' he asks in a small voice, curling in on himself. 

Castiel shuts his eyes for a brief second. This omega is going to drive him crazy.

'No, I'm not mad. I just didn't know you met. How did that happen? Did she come over?'

'No,' Dean sits still as Castiel bends forward to wipe the water off of his arm. 'I was going out to get groceries, like always. And I saw her fall down the stairs to her house, and the bag tore and everything spilled on her driveway. It was only like, my fourth day here, alpha. I helped her up and she was really nice. I wasn't rude or anything,' he promises. 'I introduced myself. And she said it happens sometimes, that she trips and falls, I mean, and she lives alone, and I just thought it'd be okay to offer some help. I'm only picking up the things from our store. I'm not going anywhere else, and I'm only spending her money, and I never talk about you or the house, I swear.'

'Hey, it's alright,' Castiel tries to convince him. 'I was just surprised. I think it was very kind of you to offer help,' Dean shrugs. 'I'm serious. And she was worried about you.'

Dean looks nonplussed. 

'She was?'

'Yes, she came here to check up on you. Do you know anyone else in the neighbourhood?'

Dean shakes his head. 

'I sometimes make small talk with the cashiers at the shop, if it's a lazy morning. But that's about it. Oh, I also had to take a bus once,' he recalls. 'When you told me to take your suit to the dry cleaner. I didn't know where to go so I asked the bus driver. He was a bit grabby-' the omega scrunches his nose, apparently remembering something unpleasant.

'What do you mean grabby?' Castiel interrupts him, disturbed.

'Well, he was eyeing me and stuff and smacked my ass real hard when I was leaving,' Dean explains, wincing. 'But he didn't try to touch me or anythin'. I wouldn't let him. I know I'm yours.'

Castiel wants to scream in frustration. 

There's so much to unpack here, so many issues to go through, he doesn't even know where to start. But he feels like he's made some progress, at least, so he just sighs and takes the mug from Dean's hands. 

'Do you feel better?' 

'Yeah,' Dean takes a deep breath. 'My chest doesn't hurt.'

'Good. Keep watching your movie, or go back to sleep. I need to pick up the rug. I'll be back soon.'

Dean looks anxious at the mention of the rug - the thing that started it all, but doesn't talk about that when he opens his mouth to say: 

'Okay. Thanks for dinner and everything, alpha,' he stops for a moment, but then adds: 'I never ate enchiladas before,' he shrugs sheepishly, avoiding Castiel's eyes. 'That's a fact.'

Castiel smiles broadly. This is good, this is working out. Dean already remembers, and all the extra knowledge might come in handy.

'Thank you for telling me,' he says, cheerful. ' I'll be back. See you soon.'

 

The rug is ready and packed when Castiel arrives to the cleaners. They say they already charged his credit card, and Castiel remembers that Dean called him because of that. Because he was scared that Castiel was going to see the expense on his billing list and punish him. 

In a way, he's glad. He looks in the rearview mirror at the white plush rug resting in the backseat as he drives back. If Dean had puked anywhere else where he could have cleaned it up, Castiel would still have no idea that he was even sick. Not to mention his newly gained awareness of the abundance of fear and misconceptions that trouble the omega. 

Castiel stops by the drug store to pick up some medication that won't make him tired. He really hopes he can prove to Dean that he can be trusted. No one deserves to go through what the omega went through, and he's still dismayed by the truth. But he got Dean to share a little, and that was probably important. It sounded like progress. 

He has _no idea_ what's he doing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hope this clears up some stuff on how cas is seeing. things.  
> next chapter will continue to be cas's pov, but then we'll hear from dean again :) also more of the outside world is gonna appear soon. i swear i dont plan to stay in their bedroom for the rest of the story haha
> 
> what do u think? do u like it? do u hate it? hit me up!  
> thank you so much to everyone leaving kudos, reading, commenting. means the world!


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> timeline: day 3 (04/29).

Back home, Dean looks relieved to get the new pills, and Castiel intentionally leaves the whole instruction out on the nightstand, so he can read through it if he wants to. Just to make sure he's not being lied to.

The rest of the evening and the night are quiet. Castiel can't sleep for a long time, thinking about the events of the day and the project he's working on. It's nothing that major, but he needs to catch up on some coding if he wants to turn it in on time. Especially now, that Dean's constantly on his mind. It's nearly impossible to try and ignore him, like he successfully did for three weeks. 

The next day is vaguely similar, but there's one thing that changes. Dean's more... clingy. It's not anywhere near the level Castiel expected omegas to be, but. First he asks to go downstairs for breakfast, again. He gets his coffee and looks overjoyed, and Castiel makes him thick pancakes with syrup that he loves enough to gingerly ask for seconds. He cowers at first, when the alpha turns around to him only to announce that of course, he can have as much as he wants, and then watches Castiel closely with huge, hopeful eyes as he brings over two more pancakes and puts them on his plate. 

Castiel's always thought it was supposed to be omegas who loved taking care of other people, but as he observes Dean drenching his food in sticky syrup with barely contained childlike glee, something swells in his chest and it's good. It's a warm feeling and it means something along the lines of, _you're mine and you'll never go hungry again_.

It's weird to be so possessive and Castiel's not sure if he's okay with it, but he can't deny it's a great feeling. It's also a great feeling to be able to take care of Dean's most basic needs, even if he can't figure out the bigger problems. Yet. 

Then, Dean pleads to stay downstairs with him. 

'You won't even know I'm here, I promise!' he assures, delivering Castiel a big serving of puppy dog eyes. He looks at least ten years younger when he does that. 'I'll stay super quiet. On the couch. Or on the floor. Wherever.'

'You'll get bored,' Castiel tries to reason with him. 'I have to work on my project.'

'I won't. I'll try to sleep again. Couldn't sleep most of the night,' Dean confesses, dropping his eyes down to his socked feet. Castiel frowns. They were in the same bed, but Dean laid there with his eyes closed at all times, at least as long as Castiel was awake.

'Maybe you slept too much during the day,' he suggests softly. Dean nods jerkily.

'Sure,' he agrees easily. Castiel doesn't know what to make of it, so he lets it go.

'I suppose you can stay on the couch, but under the blankets. Even if you're warm.'

'Great! Thanks, alpha,' Dean quickly smiles at him. It's nothing breathtaking, nothing too convincing yet, but it's still a smile. Castiel realizes he hadn't smelled Dean being afraid all morning, except for the short moment when he asked for more breakfast. Dean settles on the couch, wrapped tightly in his blanket like a burrito, and apparently comfortable. 

'A fact, Dean,' Castiel reminds absent-mindedly, as he sits down on the other side of the room, facing the back of the couch, to open his laptop. The omega jumps a little and peers at him anxiously, as if the gentle reminder was a full-on rebuke. 

'Right, sorry, alpha,' he answers hastily. 'Uh. My- my birthday? Is in January. Is that an okay fact?'

'What day?' Castiel asks, curious. He's read it in Dean's file, but has since forgotten. He's stored the file away to go through later and never did. Just another reminder of how good he was at ignoring Dean.

'24th.'

'Mine's in September,' Castiel replies. 'September 4th.'

Dean nods, but keeps watching him. Castiel waits for his program to load. He stares at Dean, Dean stares at him, until Dean finally blurts out:

'Howoldareyoualpha?'

He ducks his head, then, and almost hides behind the back of the couch he's sitting on. It takes Castiel a couple of seconds to decode the meaning of the jumbled sentence.

'I'm fourty-three,' he answers. 'Dean?'

'Yeah?' Dean whispers, still staring down. 

'No wrong questions, remember?'

Dean glances up at him and Castiel sends him a smile. Dean hesitantly returns it.

'I remember,' he agrees, sounding relieved. 

'You're gonna be fourty next year, correct?' Castiel makes sure. 

'Yeah,' the omega confirms. 'A long time to be alive, I guess.'

'What do you mean?' Castiel frowns. He's not sure what Dean's trying to say.

'Just - just that I'm old, I think,' Dean shrugs, relaxing a little. 

'Not as old as me.'

Dean startles, alarmed. 'I didn't mean it like-'

'That's okay, I know,' Castiel tries to calm him down. That's also why it's so hard and why he's so disheartened; trying to have a conversation with Dean is like being on a minefield. He doesn't know which step is the wrong one. What's gonna send Dean into panic.

The program's window pops up and the code appears. 

'Did you do a lot of traveling?' the omega ventures uncertainly. 

Castiel looks up from the screen where he's started typing. The question catches him off guard, it seems unrelated to the rest of the conversation.

'Not much,' he admits. 'As I told you, I've worked in this company for the majority of my life. I did leave on some work trips, before, but not many. My family's from Idaho, that's where I lived when I was younger.'

Dean listens to him really intently and Castiel understands, for the first time, that he's really interested. He's not just humouring him. 

'Did you travel before? With your alpha?' he asks gently. Dean's eyes darken a little and he shakes his head.

'Alastair kept me in the house most of the time. We lived in the same state, but far away from this city,' he explains quietly. 'I'd run errands, a lot, and he'd take me to work, or to his _buddies_ ,' the way he says that sends a chill down Castiel's spine, before he can even understand why. Did Alastair's friends hurt Dean too? 'He liked his jobs, and he had many. He liked the local bars, and casinos, and brothels,' Dean spits the last word out, and it's the only time so far Castiel's seen him...

_(angry?)_

-agitated. 'He traveled some, but never told me where and almost never took me with. It wasn't even any great places, when I did go with him. Some shady roadside bars, or huge cities, where I'd stay in the car or in the motel, anyway. For almost twenty years, I pretty much lived in the same house.'

Castiel wants to ask more, about Alastair, who he was, where Dean lived before that, but all of this sounds like it's going to bring back some traumatizing memories. So Castiel opts to keep talking about something safer, instead. 

'Well, would you like to? Travel?'

Dean nods wholeheartedly.

'Used to travel some back when I was a kid,' he says. 'It was cool. Wouldn't mind doing it again, someday,' he sounds wistful, now. 'There's still so many places I haven't seen.'

Castiel watches him, the yearning expression on his face as he's lost in memories, remembering whatever trip he's been on, and it really hits him. It hits him that Dean has literally no right to ever go out and travel on his own. He depends on Castiel, completely, and if he were to run away, he'd be caught, punished and brought back. He can't make any choices, can't even leave if he's being abused and hurt and cheated on, while he waits for Alastair or Castiel or any other alpha in a well-kept house with dinner ready, by the door on his knees. And Castiel doesn't hurt him outright, but he feels like he's not helping him either. He never wanted to _own_ a person, and maybe it's easy for alphas who don't care, but he's not even used to having anyone to talk to in the morning, and even less to navigate every risky conversation. He's not a psychologist, and he's never even talked to anyone who went through half of what Dean did.

The words that leave his mouth do so on their own accord; he's not aware he's speaking until it's said.

'Maybe we can go somewhere together, some time.'

It's a big thing to offer to someone who's possibly not even used to Castiel's presence at home.

Dean's watching him carefully and Castiel doesn't know what he thinks, but he doesn't look nor smell terrified. Instead, he perks up a little. Just the slightest bit, but he does. 

'I think I'd like that, alpha,' he says, his voice even, and Castiel's lips twitch in an instinctive smile. 

'Good,' he replies. 'Do you have any place you'd like to visit most?'

Dean shakes his head, but he doesn't even give it any thought, so Castiel suspects he does have something in mind. Just doesn't want to share. Well, he's not going to push.

'I'm sure we could come up with something,' he asserts. He's content to leave it at that, but the silence stretches on, and it's uncomfortable. Castiel lets Dean work it out because it feels like it's the omega who doesn't want to let go of the conversation. He corrects his code, turns on the work chat to see if there were any messages or updates. Benny's asking about a new version he's been implementing. He's almost done replying by the time Dean's voice reaches him, faint and unsure. 

'To the shop? We- we could go to the shop?'

Castiel lifts his eyes, incredulous. Dean's anxious, his posture stiff.

'Oh,' the alpha lets out a shaky laugh. Dean startles, taken aback. 'Yes, of course. I was just thinking about somewhere further.'

'Well, there's a Target like twenty minutes from here? I saw it when I was on the bus,' Dean offers, still insecure. Even more now, that Castiel's laughed at him. 

'No, no-'

'Right, sorry, forget it, we don't have to-'

'-Dean, let me finish,' Castiel asks, not unkindly. 'I was thinking about an actual trip. To another city, or to the country.'

Dean blushes almost instantly.

'O-oh,' he stutters, averts his eyes. 'Right. Sorry. Yeah, I - I think that would be really cool.'

'But I'd love to go to the shop with you, too,' Castiel grins a little. 'Any shop. Would that be alright?'

'Yeah,' Dean returns his smile, flustered. 'Yes, alpha.'

They don't talk much after that, but the atmosphere is light and Castiel can tell Dean's relaxing. He rests his head and from where he's sitting, the alpha can only see Dean's disheveled hair visible over the back of the couch. 

He works for an hour before he hears a snore, and it makes him jump. He's so not used to having anyone in the house, his first reaction is to expect an intruder. But then, he huffs and smiles in relief. This is the first time he hears his omega snore, and it's not cute at all. It's a deep, loud sound, there's no mistaking that Castiel's husband is a grown man. He feels warmth knowing that Dean's more at ease around him, at last, and able to get some sleep. 

But it makes working harder, and he resorts to plugging his headphones in and putting on some music. He doesn't have vast music knowledge. His family raised him on classical but he hates being reminded of his family, so he rarely listens to Rossini or Brahms anymore. Instead, he has a small selection of his favourite independent bands, and it's what he picks now. He realizes he's feeling more optimistic and calm than he had in weeks. Three weeks, to be exact. Ever since Dean arrived.

Maybe, just maybe, he's not going to mess this up.

He makes some stew for dinner, and the smell wakes Dean who offers help. Castiel lets him sit on a stool by the pot and chop some vegetables to throw them in. Dean looks relieved to have some kind of task to do, and he looks better overall, too. His cheeks are flushed because of the recent sleep, not the fever, and the cough has subsided enough that there are no fits.

Still, Castiel makes him take the pills, and then inhale the salts. It's better to be consistent. Dean complies without a second thought, he's calm all afternoon. He's sitting on the couch after dinner, lazily watching whatever's on the downstairs TV. Castiel works all day, but keeps an eye on him. 

He has a conference call scheduled at eight, and when he goes to set up his laptop in his study, he notices that Dean's put on one of the Earth documentaries that he enjoys. He stops by the couch and Dean looks up at him and then... holds out a hand. His green eyes are bright and he doesn't seem scared this time, just shy. 

Castiel freezes for a moment, unsure what to do, but eventually he takes Dean's hand in his own and runs his thumb across his knuckles. 

'I really like this one,' he nods towards the screen. 'Especially the part about Africa. The way buffalos behave is incredible.'

Dean hums absently, his eyes still on Castiel, lighting up for a second (amused?, Castiel wonders). Then, he flicks his gaze back to the screen, where a bee is flying out of a hive, bathed in sunlight. It's a beautiful shot. Castiel starts stroking Dean's hair with his other hand, and Dean flinches a little, but doesn't tense further. Instead, he seems to welcome the touch. 

'Do you - you wanna watch it too?' he asks, cautious, and this time he sounds strained and nervous. He must think it's required from him to offer, that Castiel waits for some invitation, only cause he's expressed interest in the show. It's clear he's uncomfortable, though. Castiel purses his lips and suppresses a sigh. That's as much closeness as Dean's going to allow today, it seems. Castiel lets his hand linger in Dean's hair for a moment longer, and then draws it back. He _wants_ to sit down next to him and embrace him, and maybe make him scent him so he knows he's safe, but he's not going to force him. 

'Thank you, honey, but I have a conference call to make,' he politely declines, with a hint of a smile just to let Dean know everything's fine. 

'Oh, of course,' Dean sounds understanding, but he also... deflates a bit. Castiel would think it's relief, except something's off. But what? 'I'll just stay here, then.'

He examines the omega a moment longer, but he's lost in whatever's going on on the screen. Or he's trying to make it look like it. Either way, it's the only escape Dean has, so Castiel doesn't continue the topic. He probably needs some space. He gives Dean's hand a squeeze and promises to come back to put him to bed when he's done. 

At least he got to touch him, and he's a little shocked the omega initiated contact. He can't say what is it about him, but he seems to want to be in Castiel's vicinity since morning, even if he still gets jumpy when Castiel wants to come closer. 

The call ends up being long and boring, and he knows he has yet another project on his plate. When he returns to the living room, Dean waits for him and they both go upstairs. He doesn't even need to hold the omega up anymore and he's glad he's doing so much better. They wash up a little, Castiel changes and then it's lights off. 

 

He jolts awake about three in the morning and immediately knows something's wrong. He can't tell what woke him up for a total of five seconds, but then he hears a loud whimper. He rolls around and sees that Dean's quivering and talking in his sleep, huddled near the edge of the bed. 

'Please, _stop_ ,' he begs, hushed and it's so fearful, it makes Castiel's heart clench. The omega's caught deep in a nightmare. 'Be good, hurts, please, I'll be good, stop-'

Castiel moves to wake him-

'stop alphaplease-'

\- except in that moment, he gasps and must open his eyes, because he goes dead still. He's facing away from Castiel, curled up on his side. His breath comes out quick and erratic, and Castiel only realizes he's sobbing when he sees the telltale tremble to his shoulders. He's doing it so quietly, the alpha knows he'd never have been woken by that.

_How many times before has this happened?_

The question echoes in his mind on a loop and makes him feel like shit. That's why Dean wasn't sleeping well last night. That's why he slept on the couch all day. 

Castiel reaches out to grab his shoulder and comfort him, consequences be damned. He readies himself for a flinch, a jump or a scream, however Dean is going to react to him being awake. But it's like Dean senses it, because he suddenly climbs out of bed, hurriedly, away from alpha's grasp. Castiel watches as he pretty much sprints out of the bedroom. 

He sits up silently, confused, and leaves the bed to follow Dean. He makes sure to keep his footsteps quiet, because he doesn't want to scare him. Dean didn't even look back once, so he probably still doesn't know he woke Castiel up. 

_What is he doing?_

Castiel stops on top of the stairs. It's hard to see clearly when the hallway's so dark, but thanks to the dim glow of the moon, he spots Dean by the front door. He's unlocking it. For a second he's sure Dean's going to escape, and he feels blood rush to his head, sobering him up. He'll have to try to stop him, because he's terrified, and when they catch him... he will have to go through punishment, despite what Castiel has to say about it. 

Except Dean does the absolute opposite of escaping. He _locks_ the door. Or rather, checks if the locks are in order. He even hooks the chain that Castiel usually leaves hanging, gives everything a final once-over and takes a step back. He runs a hand through his hair and wipes his eyes, visibly trying to calm down, but he's still gasping for air and shaking. 

Castiel stands there frozen, gripping the banister tightly, torn. Everything in him screams to run downstairs and comfort Dean any way he can, but he thinks if he says anything now, Dean's going to completely freak out. His heart is beating so fast, he's never seen Dean so vulnerable before and it frightens him. He thinks the omega's having a panic attack. He knows you're not supposed to touch a person during a panic attack. Or he thinks he's read it somewhere. Fuck, he's so unqualified to handle this. 

Whether it's a panic attack or not, he's seen how Dean reacts whenever he's convinced he's done something wrong. He thought Castiel decided to drug him when he first left the bed to pee, so what would he think now? He went downstairs alone, messed with the locks, woke Castiel up. Knowing him, alpha considers it a safe bet to say he'd be having _another_ panic attack on top of this one.

All of these thoughts run through his head in mere seconds. As he hears Dean's heavy exhales and hitching inhales, he decides he can't stay away. 

He rushes down the stairs, not trying to be quiet anymore. 

'Dean, it's okay,' his voice comes out soft, but he might have as well shouted judging on the effect. Dean's head snaps up and he looks _horrified_ , his eyes large and standing out in his pale face, tear tracks on his cheeks. 

'F-f-fuck-' he stammers, but doesn't seem to have the energy to run anymore. He backs away on shaky legs until his back hits the wall, and he slides down to the ground. Curls up in a ball, trying to shelter his body. Castiel reaches him and Dean's arms come up to protect his head. He trembles and still gasps for air. 

'I'm _sorry_ ,' he whines, his voice thick with tears. 'Alpha I'm sorry-'

'It's okay,' Castiel assures him, grabbing his shoulder. The omega whimpers, twists away, but Castiel doesn't let go. Instead, he crouches and hauls Dean forward and embraces him. He's tense and shivering, and smells so strongly of terror, Castiel almost chokes. He guides Dean's head to the crook of his neck and holds him there even when Dean fights him weakly. 'Inhale,' he orders. 'Inhale, Dean, I'm not mad. Come on, scent me. I'm not angry. Calm down, it's going to be fine.'

Dean's shuddering breaths warm up Castiel's neck, but he seems to submit when he starts to scent him. He stops struggling and presses his nose closer, taking deep, unsteady gulps of air. 

'How are you not mad,' he mumbles against Castiel's skin, low and muffled. 

'You're just scared, sweetheart,' Castiel rubs circles on Dean's back, damp with sweat, his T-shirt sticking to the skin. 'There's nothing to be mad about.'

He kisses the top of Dean's head, gentle, and can feel Dean squeezing his eyes shut and fresh tears soaking his shirt. 

'It's okay, baby,' he keeps up the stream of reassurances, stroking Dean's hair, neck, back, hoping to calm him down. 'You're safe, everything's fine. You're safe, you're good.'

'I d-didn't mean to freak out,' Dean whispers, wiping away the tears, but they don't seem to stop. 

'Sometimes it's just what happens,' Castiel replies, tightening his embrace. 'Why did you-'

'I know it's stupid, I know, but I'm scared he's gonna come,' Dean interrupts him, quickly, fervently. He grabs at Castiel, his fingers splay across his back. Castiel thinks he's trying to hug back, but it feels more like he's holding on. 'I know he's dead but I have these dreams and he's right there and I'm so scared he's gonna come back for me alpha im so scared im-'

'Alastair?'

'Yeah,' a sob tears from his throat and he clutches at Castiel even harder.

'He's not gonna come, ever, Dean. He's dead and-'

'I know he's dead!' Dean yells suddenly, letting go and drawing back, and the loudness of it startles them both. Castiel's hands fall back into his lap. Dean looks away. 'I know he's dead, I'm not making any sense.'

Castiel puts a hand on Dean's cheek, ignoring his flinch. The omega ducks his head.

'Can we go back to bed?' 

Dean glances at the door fearfully, but nods. He tries to get up, but he staggers and Castiel doesn't even want to try to support him. He puts his arms around Dean and lifts him up, carries him. Dean cries out in surprise, but wraps himself around the alpha tightly. 

'Please don't drop me,' he whispers and it's so frightened, Castiel presses him closer. 

'I never would,' he promises the omega and takes him upstairs. When they're back in bed, he switches on the bedside lamp, so that they're not in the dark anymore. Dean looks like hell, his face swollen from crying. He smells ashamed and Castiel thinks he must be drained, but at least the terror has passed. 

Castiel opens his arms wide and raises his eyebrow at Dean.

'Will you do me the honour of being the little spoon tonight?'

He knows it's corny and they're both tired, but Dean surprises him - his lips twitch in a tiny, amused smile. It's gone almost instantly, and he's left staring at Castiel. The green of his eyes looks so vivid. 

'I'd like to be the little spoon forever,' he confesses timidly and shuffles closer until they're resting back to chest. Castiel hugs him so firmly, it's like he's trying to mold them into one. He presses his lips to Dean's temple and gives him yet another soft kiss. 

'Every time you have a nightmare, I want you to wake me up,' he commands. Dean cranes his neck to gaze at him. 

'You're not gonna get _any_ sleep,' he counters. 

'I don't mind,' Castiel replies easily. 'I want you to wake me. And then we'll cuddle. Would that be acceptable?'

Dean's silent for a moment, and Castiel can feel his anxiety spike up. 

'Dean, if you don't like me touching you, I won't,' he assures, his voice serious. 'God knows you've had your share of bad touch before and I understand if-'

'No, no,' Dean protests, grabbing Castiel's arm and pulling it closer. 'I like your touch. It's nice.'

'You do?' Castiel raises his eyebrows. 'You were scared before...'

'That's cause I'm _always_ scared,' Dean huffs, frustrated. 'But I like it when you touch me like this. I do. And I like when we cuddle. I just don't want you to feel like you have to pay so much attention to me, just cause I'm a crybaby.'

'I pay attention to you because you're my good omega,' Castiel entwines their fingers together, then rests their hands on Dean's stomach. 'And I want to be a good alpha to you.'

'You really - you really meant that?' Dean asks quietly, looking down at their hands. 'When you said you wouldn't beat me or somethin' if I fucked up? But gave me a chance to fix it first?'

'Of course. I wouldn't beat you at all, Dean.'

He doesn't know if Dean believes him. Maybe at that moment, he just pretends to believe it, not wanting to continue the topic. 

'Well, can you tell me about those dreams?' 

Dean curls in on himself which Castiel can feel very well, pressed up against him. 

'Shh, you don't have to, honey,' he quickly soothes him. 'I just... it was very sudden. Do you have them often?'

'Yeah,' Dean nods, the word choked out. 'Like, every day? I just can't believe he's gone.'

'Did they tell you... what happened to him?' Castiel's uncertain if he should pry. But Dean doesn't seem affected by the question.

'Yes, I...' he hesitates. 'He left, and I knew he was dead when my mating bite burned. I mean... you know how it works, right?'

Castiel knows, that one he does know. It's not only for omegas, it's also for betas, alphas, whoever decides to mate. If one person dies, the mark burns with searing pain for a few hours and usually leaves the other person unconscious. 

'I do.'

'Well, I was passed out for a couple hours, I think,' Dean goes on. 'The people from the center came by to pick me up. They told me what - what h-happened. The accident and everything,' he swallows hard and his hand tightens around Castiel's. 'I never saw him in the morgue or anything, but in my dreams, I see him like that. All... scorched, covered in burns. His skin is red and black, and it's almost like he's not human at all. He only stands by the bed and... stares at me,' Dean trembles. 'His eyes - h-his eyes, they, they have no pupils. They're all white. It's not like it's the only thing, I usually dream about my life with him, but then, right before I wake up, it's like I open my eyes, and he's... right there, smiling and staring, like he knows something I don't.' 

He nods towards his side of the room. 

'He once told me that I'll never get rid of him, and I think he was right,' he admits bitterly, his voice hushed. 'It's been a month and I can't believe he's really dead. I keep waiting for him to come back for me. He'd be so mad,' Dean's entire body shakes now, but his grip on Castiel is solid. 'I was slacking. He'd have to teach me again.'

Castiel doesn't like where this is going, it's like Dean's not really in the present anymore.

'Hey-' he tugs at Dean to get a look at his face. Dean's eyes are a bit glazed over. 'Hey, look at me,' Dean does. Castiel only needs to make his voice one degree more authoritative and Dean instantly obeys. 'He's gone. I promise you, he's _never_ going to come back. And whenever you feel like he will, just know that I'll keep you safe. He'll never get you.'

Dean keeps looking at him, his face open and vulnerable. Something like... hope? Relief? In his eyes. Castiel feels a powerful surge of _protect protect protect_ and presses a strong kiss to his forehead.

Dean looks awed. 

He shakes it off quickly enough, though, and only smiles. It's a little unsure, but it's there.

'Thank you, alpha,' he turns back around, makes himself more comfortable. 'Can my fact be also a secret? Just this once?'

Castiel tightens his embrace once again.

'Yes. And I promise to never tell anyone.'

'Okay,' Dean whispers, his voice small. 'I know it sounds horrible, but I'm glad he went to that bar and burned in that fire.'

The silence that follows his confession is tense but short. This time, Castiel knows exactly what to say, and it's also what he's feeling very strongly. 

'I'm glad he did, too,' Castiel replies, sternly. 'Really am.'

Dean relaxes at that. He must be exhausted after all the stress and crying, and he pulls the second blanket over himself.

'He was the only person that died there, you know,' he mentions. 'Almost like it's fate.'

'Then I'm happy that fate brought you to me,' Castiel runs his fingers across Dean's wedding band. He's taken it off for the night, but Dean always wears his, he noticed. It's nothing special, made from silver stainless steel. The omega center provides them. Alphas get more expensive gold ones, but still not fancy, because the omegas come and go all the time. Would be pointless to spend more money on such a volatile investment.

'And me you,' Dean replies back, a little apprehensive. That's okay. Castiel thinks he doesn't mean it, just thinks he should say it, but this time it's not as forced as his usual alpha-pleasing behavior. Either way - they might never fall in love with each other, but it might be just enough if they treat each other well. And Castiel's hoping to get there. 

For now, he holds Dean close, and as they both fall asleep again, he relishes in the feeling.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> well, hope you guys like it! :) let me know what you think? i've gotten quite a lot of cuddling requests lmao and i can understand where you come from. tbh i couldn't stand dean craving comfort and not getting any either, so. here. 
> 
> this is chapter 4a, because i ended up writing a little bit more from cas's pov, so that's gonna be 4b. it was like 3000 words, and i have no idea if ppl think thats a lot, but 8k chapter def seemed like too much, so im splittin it. the next one will be up when i correct it, so probably soon. then we go back to dean's pov! 
> 
> in case anyone wants to hmu about this fic outside of ao3, i made a tumblr - [thanks-tacos.tumblr.com](https://thanks-tacos.tumblr.com/), come talk anytime. this is especially for you @Thudle! 
> 
> as always, thank you so much for reading, commenting, kudos, everything. i'm blown away by the attention this fic has gotten and i cherish all the comments, it's awesome to hear what you guys think!


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> timeline: day 4 (04/30).

'Please can I take a shower?'

The words come out mumbled and are followed by a long, shallow exhale. Dean woke up with his nose leaking more than before, and Castiel knows it must have been the crying that was responsible. But except for that and the occasional cough, Dean was alright, and those symptoms were bound to stick around for about a week, anyway. 

'I think a bath will be better,' Castiel decides. They're both in the bathroom, in front of the mirror, just done with brushing their teeth. He goes over to the tub and starts filling it with hot water. Dean sits on the counter, slowly stripping off his T-shirt. When Castiel turns around, he sees Dean wrapping his arms around his middle self-consciously.

There are many scars on his stomach and chest. Some of them are long and clean, some short and jagged, some circular. Most of them had to be cuts, but he could imagine the rest coming from whatever injuries Dean's sustained when Alastair beat him down or threw him around. He didn't see it so well before, not in real life; Dean only stripped when they had sex and that was done in the dark. 

He puts on a smile to hide his sadness and let Dean know things are alright. He holds out a hand. Dean jumps off the counter and gingerly takes it. Castiel pulls him close, the omega's back to his chest, and puts his arms around him. They both watch as the tub fills up and Dean relaxes more and more with each passing minute. Castiel's lips brush over his mating bite lazily to continue up his neck and Dean shudders, but the alpha doesn't think it's unpleasant this time. He even thinks he can smell a tiny bit of slick. Dean tips his head back to allow Castiel more access and the alpha kisses him softly along the jaw. 

'Lots of kisses,' Dean wonders shyly, but his eyes are sparkling a little when Castiel lets him go to turn off the water. 'Wanna do something more, alpha?'

'Do _you_ wanna do something more?'

Dean shrugs, blushing a cute pink. 

'I wouldn't mind it,' he replies. That's not a helpful answer, Castiel thinks. 'Could be nice, I guess.'

'We'll see about that in the evening, hm? We'll see how you'll feel,' Dean nods, agreeing. 'It's time, you can come in.'

Dean's blush only seems to deepen when he pulls down his pants and folds them neatly. He looks thinner than Castiel expected him to, in daylight, without the clothes to cover him up. 

The omega slowly lowers himself into the tub and sighs contentedly when he can stretch out his legs in the hot water. 

'This feels good,' he admits, but it takes only two seconds until he sneezes loudly. 'Ugh.'

'Bless you,' Castiel grabs a pack of tissues from the drawer and holds one to Dean's nose. Dean glances up at him, confused. 'Blow your nose.'

'No, that's disgusting!' Dean pulls a face and jerks his head back. 'I'll get my snot all over you.'

'Blow your nose, Dean.'

Castiel swears Dean's short of rolling his eyes, but he complies, and coughs when he's done.

'Good boy,' Castiel praises him. He moves to throw the tissues away and wash his hands, but suddenly - he can feel a change in Dean's scent that makes him slow down and spin around a little, not to startle him. That's definitely a scent of arousal and embarrassment and slick, and he sees Dean hastily put his hands in front of himself, for... privacy. Seeing his beet-red face and ducked head, Castiel understands and smiles to himself. His omega likes being called a good boy. He can work with that.

'Do you need help washing up, or do you want to do it yourself?'

'I can do it, alpha,' Dean convinces him quickly, reaches for the shampoo with one hand, still covering himself with the second one. 

'I'll be downstairs making breakfast. Call me when you're done.'

When Castiel gets to the kitchen, his phone buzzes and he checks it. It's Charlie, his coworker and one of the few friends he has. 

_sup boss? wanna hang out today? need help w code xoxo_

Castiel smiles a little as he reheats yesterday's pancakes. It would be good to meet up with her. It's Saturday, so he knows he has to be back at work on Monday, and he'd love to chat with her before that. Maybe about Dean. Just maybe. They still have to survive two full days together, and he'll have plenty of chances to mess something up. But he's happy with how things turned out during the night. He thinks he gained a little bit more of Dean's trust. And Dean seemed to relax, too. 

_Yes, we can meet. I might need your help too,_ he texts. _With my omega._

The reply comes almost immediately.

_finally!!! sure thing. catch u in two for coffee?_

Castiel texts back his agreement. 

 

He's worried Dean will be anxious left alone, but he seems fine with it. Castiel tells him where he goes and how long he's going to be gone exactly, makes sure he takes his pills and is tucked and warm before he leaves. 

He listens to the radio as he drives to the usual cafe where he and Charlie meet outside of work. She's already waiting for him, and waves excitedly through the window when she spots him. He feels a grin appear on his face and he can't fight it; Charlie's optimism is infectious.

'Haven't seen you in _ages,_ ' she complains as soon as he sits down. The cafe has a cozy interior, with wooden chairs and tables and strikingly green walls. There are colorful plants and flowers filling the wooden pots, hanging from the beams supporting the ceiling. It's one of the few places Castiel loves to go to to unwind a little. 

The waitress brings him a big mug of black coffee. He's there often enough that they recognize him and he always orders the same thing.

'We have different shifts,' Castiel bends down to unpack his laptop.

Charlie rolls her eyes.

'Yeah, and even when we do see each other, you don't hear what I'm saying to you, because you're always thinking about your omega.'

'What?' Castiel furrows his brow, staring at her. 'I have been pretty good at ignoring him for the past three weeks, actually. What do you need help with?'

'My gradient descent function. Three weeks? What do you mean ignored?'

'He's been through a lot and I didn't think it was beneficial for me to be around. What language?'

'Python. And I'm not gonna say anything else until you spill, dude. Something's different now, and you gotta tell me what's up,' Castiel sighs, but she grabs his hand from across the table, and she's sincere when she says: 'You know I'm here for you, right?'

'Yes. It's just,' he tries to explain, but comes up short. 'It's hard, Charlie.'

'Talk to me.'

So he does. He tells her vaguely about the abuse Dean's been through, how scared he's been of Castiel, about his panic attack the night before.

'I feel like it's kind of better now, but, Charlie... I've never even shared a room with anyone,' he says, resigned. 'I didn't choose this. I want to do right by him, because he's... It's not that I pity him. I mean, I do, but that's not it. I'm... responsible for him, and not just because of the law. He tries so hard to be good for me, and I just want to pay him back. He deserves better than me, God, he's been through _so much._ '

Charlie watches him with an indecipherable look on her face. 

'From what you've told me...' she starts, cautiously. 'I think you're doing pretty well.'

Castiel shakes his head.

'Maybe once or twice, I had luck on my side. But ultimately... I don't know how to help him. The nightmares, the panic and the abuse, I can't undo it.'

'No one asks you to,' Charlie reasons with him, her voice gentle. 'You'll never undo it, but you can give him something better. You're patient with him, and that should be enough. But Castiel-'

She stops for a moment, as if unsure how to approach the topic.

'Look, I'm not the best person to give advice on this. Dorothy and I, you know we've known each other since forever. She's never been through anything like that. But I see how other alphas, or even betas, treat her and it's... sometimes, it pisses me off so much,' she huffs. 'Sometimes, you just gotta talk things through. And- I think you have to decide if you want Dean to stay with you, and if you do, then really commit.'

'I _am_ committing!' Castiel protests, wounded. 'I've spent almost every moment of the past few days thinking ahead to avoid anything that could make Dean upset! I've learnt how to cook for him, and to keep my distance, and...'

'I know you're trying, dude,' Charlie raises her hands placatingly. 'And it sounds like you do a lot. But if you're gonna show Dean how the lavish apple-pie life looks like, only to throw him back to the wolves when the time's due, _don't._ '

Castiel's mad, but deep down, he's aware that she's right. It's not like he didn't ponder that, as well. 

'What do you want me to do, then? Should I just decide, after not even a month of living together, that it's going to work out?'

'So what, your omega's a rental car you can just ride and return?!' she hisses, outraged.

_'Don't talk about him like that!'_

The words come out as a shout, and everyone in the cafe pauses to stare at them. Castiel can feel his face heating up, embarrassed and fuming, but it's Charlie who turns around and says:

'Hey, it's alright, people, just having a conversation.'

Customers and waiters go back to work, glancing at them from time to time, and Castiel just sits there, not knowing what to say next. Charlie drinks the rest of her coffee. 

'What if we try, and then it ends up horribly?' Castiel breaks the silence quietly. 'What if Dean hates me because I keep messing up, or what if we just end up not liking each other? You know me, Charlie. I'm not fit to be with anyone.'

Charlie rolls her eyes.

'That's cause you only hook up with people from Tinder,' she says. 'Everyone knows their matching algorithm sucks.'

At that moment, Castiel feels so grateful to have her in his life, so glad she doesn't hold a grudge against him when he loses control over his emotions. She means well, and she's one of the few alphas he knows that really treat omegas like equals while being mindful of their designation. She never tries to force Dorothy to be something she's not - an alpha or a beta - and she respects her needs, but also doesn't control or hold her back in any way.

Castiel thinks it's an incredibly thin ice to thread on, but Charlie seems to do so effortlessly, and he'd love to be the same with Dean. 

'Really, though,' she continues, serious now. 'Dean doesn't have any choice, right? So you might as well make it good for him. He sounds like a sweet guy, and from what I'm hearing, you two disliking each other won't be the case.'

'What do you mean?' 

She doesn't even dignify him with an answer. 

'If you return him, it's like 90 to 10 he'll end up with an abusive asshole. Not many people are as woke as you and I, man. And you already paid a price for that, with your family and all.'

'Yes, I did,' Castiel nods, lost in thought. He doesn't want to return Dean, of course he doesn't. Especially now. It was so hard to connect, to talk honestly, without Dean flinching after every word and Castiel not knowing what to say. But yesterday's night changed things. It was like Castiel's inner alpha took over, focused on comforting his omega and making sure he was alright. And Dean responded to that too, either too scared and tired or just sensing that Castiel didn't mean any harm. It was the first time they could behave like mates. 

'I'm just worried. If Dean changes his mind...'

'If you decide to keep him, just try to make it good for him, Castiel, and I'm sure it'll be good for you too. You're always alone, maybe having him around will be way better than you expect it to be. Having an omega is... it's special. And if Dean will really hate living with you, you talk to him and return him, if that's what _he_ wants.'

Castiel agrees with her, he does. As hard as it is and as worried (scared) as he is to go home and face Dean, and keep facing him for the next who-knows-how-many years, he can't imagine abandoning him. He'd lay in bed at night and wonder if Dean's laying somewhere too, hurt and cold and crying, or having nightmares with no one to hold him, or looking down at his scarred body and having his new alpha belittle and humiliate him. 

He sees Charlie watch him, and her expression turns fond, softens.

'You're always selling yourself short, dude,' she speaks. 'I know you for years, and you're a good guy, trust me. Just learn some more about omegas. You'll figure it out.'

'What do you think I should do, then? How do I take care of Dean?'

'Start with the basics, make sure he's eating and has his stuff.'

'What do you mean 'stuff'?'

Charlie sighs. 

'You know. Clothes, toothbrush-

'Dean does have a toothbrush.'

'-Good, well, then, the everyday things. Expand from that. What about things he likes? Buy him some books, or something. He said he wants to go outside. Take him.'

'But he's so scared at home, it's only going to be more challenging outside-'

'I think he can handle that. You just said yourself he's strong,' she waits for Castiel to nod. 'Take him places. He must be going crazy cooped up in the house for so long.'

'Fine,' Castiel agrees, taking a big gulp of his coffee. 

'And what about sex?'

Castiel chokes.

'We have it,' he replies nervously. Charlie giggles a little.

'Dude, I _know_ , but like... oh my god, I can't believe you're such a prude about this. How does Dean react to it? Does he enjoy it?'

'I think he does, he presents all the time,' Castiel furrows his brow. 'But I don't know... I used to think he wanted to, because omegas are supposed to be very... eager...'

'They're as eager as everyone, Castiel,' Charlie tells him. 'Dorothy always reminds me that it's bullshit, how we make out omegas to be the insatiable ones. It's just an excuse to knot them more.'

'That's awful,' Castiel scoffs. 'But I did suspect that maybe it's not Dean's favourite activity. He always wants to please me, but I don't know if he likes it.'

'Well, does he come?'

'Charlie!' Castiel whispers across the table, scandalized. 'We can't talk about that.'

'Okay,' she huffs a laugh. 'I don't mean it in a creepy, wanna-hear-about-your-sex way. It's just important.'

'That's personal,' Castiel objects. 'For Dean. And me.'

'Alright, don't tell me, I just mean... you have to pay attention to that, you get me? If Dean's been pleasing you for weeks, but he never got any pleasure back, that wouldn't make him feel okay, right? Sex is important, Castiel. And we don't ever have to talk about it again, but I think it's an issue you have to work out with Dean. So many of my and Dorothy's arguments came from that. Also, you might get detailed questions about your sex life from a lot of random alphas, just warning you. It's not like it's uncommon to talk about it.'

Castiel shakes his head, appalled. He's heard the comments and he _knows_ how alphas are, but only now that he has an omega of his own, he understands just how personal it is to share facts like these. And to talk about it so casually...

What's more worrying, Charlie has a point. He never checked if Dean's reached his orgasm. He always opened him up, even if Dean slicked every time, and then pushed into him, slowly, making sure not to hurt him. From then on, it was just him pounding into Dean, starting out gentle and growing more and more frantic as he neared his climax. Dean was always wet for him and he didn't make any pained noises; in fact, he didn't make almost any noises at all, just tiny gasps as his body was rocked by the force of Castiel's thrusts. When they tied, he always asked Dean if he was fine and laid above him, propped up on his elbows, until his knot went down. And then they put on their clothes and went to sleep.

Castiel knows omegas can come untouched, but he's never checked if Dean had, and now the guilt eats away at him. 

'Thank you, Charlie,' he says, meaning it.

'Just talk to him,' Charlie smiles. 'Find out what he likes. Be close to him. He'll warm up to you. And you can call me anytime, if you need to talk.'

'I will,' Castiel finally opens his laptop. 'It's refreshing to talk about this to another alpha,' he clears his throat and looks at the time. He has an hour until he has to be back home, back to Dean. 'Tell me about your Python problem.'

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> turns out you cant have 4a and 4b chapters on ao3? i think. but either way. super short chapter 5, i guess.  
> this is the last of cas's pov for now. next up is dean working through everything that's happened recently and boy, is that a lot. also some more bonding and cuddles.  
> i know this one's short, but the next one... isn't. its mostly done but takes me a lot of time cause some aspects are emotionally heavy and i want to do right by the boys.  
> as always, thank you for the support! :') see you soon with a more satisfying addition, hopefully. this is just a short update.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> timeline: same day as previous chapter (day 4, 04/30).

Dean feels _awesome._

He's warm, he's well-fed and he's clean, and his throat and head almost don't hurt anymore. The things alpha asks of him are easy things, things that make his life better. 

This has never happened before. 

He knows that the aim is for him to be up and running again. Castiel has said it an infinite number of times. He's gotta be tired of playing housemaid - him, an alpha, actually cooking for Dean?! - and he's not so bad at it, a hidden Ramsay talent, apparently, but no alpha likes that. Alphas like having everything ready for them, so that they can work in peace. Provide. 

Castiel said he doesn't mind it because it's his job, and that's well put. It's his job to get Dean back on his feet so he can work again. Alastair also had to drive him to the center if he had broken bones that wouldn't let him make dinner or walk, or if he had some internal bleeding that was just a bit too serious. He'd tower over Dean who laid on the floor or the bed, kicked him with his boot if he was passed out - and he'd ask him, _the center_? 

And he knew Dean would never say yes if it was something he could recover from on his own. He was a good omega, and Alastair taught him that causing inconvenience was near the top of the list of Forbidden Things. 

But when he'd say yes, Alastair would haul him up by the hair or the collar and drag him to the car. They'd drive to the center in absolute silence and Dean would curl up on his seat in shame, feeling the disappointment heavy in the air. Alastair would deposit him by the sliding door of urgent care and drive away. Dean would crawl there, sometimes; sometimes it was enough to limp or walk very slowly. The orderlies wouldn't help him, they never helped anyone. There he'd have an initial examination, and if he wasn't deemed will-be-dead-in-the-next-sixty-seconds, he was waiting in the hall with other omegas. It took hours at best, and no doctors were ever nice. However, there were no doctors treating omegas outside of the center, so Dean could understand why it was always so crowded. Anesthesia was paid extra when it wasn't necessary, and the smell of fear and sickness was so heavy, it was making everyone nauseous. 

Dean got why doctors and nurses weren't friendly. The omegas wouldn't have gotten hurt if they were well behaved, himself included. But sometimes it was really not up to him, sometimes he really really tried but physically _couldn't_ do something. And if he was honest with himself, he knew it wasn't fair. 

The other omegas were usually nice. If they were feeling well enough to talk, they could talk, and Dean loved company. Sometimes they offered tips on how to help relieve the pain or make the injury heal faster. There was this one omega, Tom, that Dean met years before and they would very often bump into each other in the waiting room. They had the same sense of dry, dark humor and started a tally, betting which one of them would have visited the urgent care more. It made it more bearable, as pitiful as it was.

Dean was younger, but he wasn't stupid, and based on how he met Tom almost every time he was there, he suspected Tom pretty much lived in the center. His alpha had to be a real motherfucker, way worse than Alastair, but when Dean hesitantly mentioned it once, Tom laughed it off. _I have 4 appointments less than you, Winchester,_ he'd say. He was the only person who called Dean by his actual name. 

Either way, Tom disappeared. And so did Alastair. 

And Castiel took his job of putting Dean back together to a whole new different level. It wasn't even serious. It was a cold, a bad one but still a cold, something that Alastair wouldn't have even asked about. 

Castiel did his job with kindness, the type Dean never experienced from an alpha and still had a hard time accepting. He loved it, yes, but he didn't do any work in the last two days, yet Castiel made him food, gave him medicine that really helped, let him rest and watch TV… they must've told him Dean was really broken at the center. They wouldn't be mistaken, but Castiel treated him like he had fragile stamped all over his forehead. Or damaged goods, more likely. 

Was he wrong? 

The TV watching thing really threw him off, because at first he couldn't find any explanation for it. The rest of it was supposed to make him feel better asap, but how was the TV helping? He thought he had it figured out after his second movie - it was supposed to keep him occupied because now Castiel worked from home and was sure Dean would bother him all the time if he got bored.

Except. 

On day two of his recovery, when Castiel left to pick up the rug from the cleaners, Dean made a discovery.

It happened because of a trivial thing - he sneezed and desperately needed a tissue, so he opened the drawer of Castiel's nightstand looking for one. He found it, along with a brochure 'How to care for your omega' that they were giving away at the center. He hesitated, but not for long; Castiel didn't mind him touching his things, and he did that a lot, cleaning all around the house. So he picked up the thin brochure and flipped through it.

He knew it was gonna be full of shit, and he was right - it advertised omegas as the perfect fix for all of alpha's problems. Need laundry done? Get an omega. Fridge empty? Get an omega. Got a hard-on? And so on, and so on.

But there was one thing that drew his attention - notes, made with a garish yellow highlighter. Dean squinted to decipher them. 

_necessities and toiletries,_ one of them said. _find shop for collar,_ said another, and underneath was a list of collar models and some numbers. Maybe measurements? Dean had to admit the collar he got was nice, it was fitting and snug around his neck. It didn't chafe and while simple, it didn't look cheap. It was just... comfortable, a band of relatively thin brown leather. 

Then, there were other things, like the chapter called INTERCOURSE where Castiel actually highlighted a couple of lines, especially the one about omegas getting slick on their own. _Designed to be used!,_ the whole chapter seemed to scream. Castiel drew a small arrow next to it and wrote, _buy lube to be safe?_ Dean thought back to how the alpha would always insist on opening him up and he did use lube every time, so he must've come through with that. But why?

Next notes were even more baffling. Things like, _ask for healthy meals = balanced diet,_ or _heat??? buy toys?_ or _get cleaning supplies._

It was all simple things, but the alpha had obviously read the brochure and put a lot of thought into getting the house ready for Dean's arrival. Dean didn't notice it much because a, he'd been scared to death when he arrived and only waited for Castiel to pounce, and two, he had no idea how the place looked like before he came. But now he was starting to. With Castiel's comment about him eating garbage food for years... with him having no mate and running himself to the ground at work... maybe he had to prepare a lot more than it seemed.

Dean thought about it more, and he couldn't make sense of some of the notes he'd read. Why balanced diet? Would Castiel suddenly start caring about his health? Or maybe... it was actually meant to be Dean who was supposed to eat healthily? All the vegetables that Castiel's been serving him, even just thirty minutes ago...

And would that be so weird? He didn't want to ruin his property, right? He's put some money into Dean. So maybe him caring about his health was just ensuring he wouldn't have to be fixed a lot, like he was doing with the cold. 

But why would he have bought toys for Dean in case he was still having heats? Why not just knot him? Did he think it was gross too? He seemed appalled when Dean mentioned that he was alone during heats, knocked out. So... he probably wouldn't have left him to deal with it on his own. Then why toys? Maybe as an addition to knotting? Only that was a splurge, and no one was splurging on omegas. 

Dean didn't want to believe that it was anything else than an equivalent to an engine tune-up. Make sure he doesn't break down too often, can function okay, and when he does get weak or sick or whatever, fix him asap. 

_That_ was making sense. But the kindness and the extra attention surrounding it weren't.

The fact that Castiel went to a drugstore to get him replacement pills when there were perfectly functioning ones right there, on his nightstand. The fact that he was calling him pet names when he didn't deserve them, and asking him for facts about his life, and assuring him that he won't hurt him. That could be some kind of a twisted game - to make Dean lower down his defenses, to make him believe Castiel only to crush it later on. He'd met some alphas who pretended to be nice to gain his trust, but then it turned out they weren't nice at all. But Castiel... didn't seem like that. He was way too disinterested to spend time plotting something like that. 

And two days later, now that Dean's sitting at the couch and he's at the cafe, he _still_ doesn't seem like that. He just doesn't seem like a guy who could turn evil. He seems utterly confused by a lot of things Dean considers to be absolutely logical and self-explanatory, but that's it. Dean can't find anything in him to predict what could all this lead to. No sudden mad-like glint in his eyes that would indicate he wants to punch something or someone really soon. No out of the blue boners and no lust. The life with Castiel is... regular so far. It's so normal that it's almost boring. 

Yesterday was hard, because he was scared. He had a terrible nightmare, worse than usual, and he stayed up for hours. He did pretend to be asleep, because he knew Castiel couldn't sleep for some time either. Worried he was going to have to spend more time taking care of him? The alpha's insomnia was making him feel uncomfortable; he was there to make alpha's life easier, and so far he felt like he was doing the exact opposite. 

The bedroom was pleasant, modern but not cold, very spacious with dark green walls and a huge bed in the middle. The covers had a colorful native pattern on them that he'd trace with his fingers in the early hours of the morning, and he could see the trees outside and how misty everything was through a big window on the left. 

But another thing he could see was Alastair hovering over him by the bed, stretching out his long, bony fingers, now with pieces of burned meat dangling from them, and reaching out to grab him, every time he closed his eyes. 

So, as humiliating as it was to admit it, he clung to Castiel for the whole day. He didn't want to be in the bedroom, and definitely not alone. And Castiel talked to him, about the past, about traveling, and it reminded Dean of him and dad out on the road, and it was a good memory. Castiel offered to go somewhere with him, and that didn't feel like a trick, either, and Dean _really_ wanted for the alpha to touch him and be close to him, because it was getting late. Soon it would be night again.

And he almost had it, too, he even turned on the goddamn nature show, hoping Castiel would join him and it would lead to some... ~~cuddling~~ touching. But the alpha had to go take his call, and Dean ended up having to actually watch buffalos and bees and gorillas, because he couldn't have admitted he completely didn't give a shit. He never wanted alpha to find out it was a decoy. 

And then, that night.

It makes Dean terrified, because it's so completely illogical. He went through all possible solutions he could come up with, and none of them were plausible. 

Castiel could do all that to gain Dean's gratitude, but alphas wanted him to show gratitude by blowing them or begging to be fucked or whatever. Sex stuff. Castiel never wanted that and he made that pretty clear. It might've been that he didn't feel so hot seeing Dean's ugly body, but he did hug him a lot and he didn't look disgusted then. Nor when he pressed those soft, chaste kisses to Dean's skin... That was real nice.

Anyway, if Dean's looks aren't a problem, then maybe Castiel just isn't much into sex. It sounds... impossible, all alphas Dean knew were horndogs with no notion of self control, but Castiel's different overall. Okay, so if he's not into sex, maybe he gets his rocks off by entertaining some caretaking kink and that's why he hugs and comforts him so much. But that also doesn't make sense, cause everything he did was... proper. It didn't have any lustful undertones. And he didn't pay attention to Dean before he got sick, so...?

So, there is no explanation.

Other than... that he was telling the truth. That he thought Dean deserved to be taken care of and that he honestly just wanted to be a good alpha. 

No, no, Dean isn't going down that road. It would be nice to let go and just pretend all's good, but he's realistic. He didn't spend years with Alastair to forget all his training when a first alpha he meets makes him a sandwich. Also, dad always said not to trust alphas, and he was right, wasn't he? 

He rubs his eyes, feeling a headache coming on. He thinks Castiel gets them a lot around him, too. It's all just so confusing, but he feels good, he feels great, and he's going to savor it as long as he can. 

The phone suddenly rings, makes him jump. He gets up, his leg gets tangled in the blanket and he almost trips and falls. Get a fucking grip, he thinks to himself, irritated, as he reaches for the old fashioned house phone. 

'Hello?'

'Dean, it's me,' Castiel announces and Dean doesn't feel terrified hearing his voice. He feels curious and alert, but that's all. About time to stop being afraid of his own shadow. 

'Yes, alpha?'

'I'm just checking in. Are you feeling well?' 

'Yeah, I'm okay,' Dean assures him. 'I'm not moving from the couch,' Castiel's silent for a moment. For a moment too long. Dean panics, imagining disapproval and wanting to fix it. 'I mean, except to pick up the phone. I had to get off the couch to pick up the phone, alpha. I can't reach. I didn't mean to lie. I mean I'm not _lying_ but I-'

'Hey, hey, calm down, Dean, it's alright,' that's it for not being afraid of his own shadow, Dean thinks bitterly. He hates it, he hates that he can't go through one day without compulsively spewing apologies or shaking in fear over the dumbest things. Because he's pretty sure Castiel won't hurt him the way Alastair did. Really pretty sure. But his body... his body seems to disagree.

'Dean?'

He doesn't know if alpha's said something before or not, he just doesn't know.

'I feel fine,' he replies. 'Just like when you left me. And I'm warm too, and everything.'

'Good,' Castiel says and the word is full of relief. 'Look, I have to stay here half an hour longer, but I'll go by a pizzeria to pick up something for dinner. Can you tell me what kind of pizza do you want?'

Oh. 

'Uh, pepperoni? If I can? Anything with meat is good,' Dean thinks back to Castiel's note about healthy meals and wonders if he's gonna make him order a vegetable one. 

He doesn't.

'Great, I'll remember. I'll be back soon, but if you need anything, please call this number.'

Okay.

'Okay,' Dean replies out loud. 'Thanks, alpha.'

Castiel disconnects the call and Dean realizes he forgot to tell him a fact. He'll pick something and have it ready for when the alpha arrives.

It's hard to choose facts about himself, he thinks as he settles back on the couch, because he's not sure how much he wants to reveal. Castiel might use it against him, later on. Like if he says he really likes cars, the alpha might never let him drive anywhere. Not as an actual driver, obviously - omegas drive very rarely - but even shotgun, or in the back. The facts can be a way of controlling him. 

Except so far, nothing happened. Nothing bad happened at all, and it's driving him crazy. 

 

Castiel comes back soon, just like he promised, and brings two huge pizzas and some drinks. The smell makes Dean's mouth water and he turns around on the couch. 

'Hello, Dean,' Castiel smiles, and it's a nice smile, too. Not one of the small ones from before. He looks lighter, too, happier. Maybe the coding meeting went well. Dean muses what his friends and coworkers are like. 

'Hi,' he replies. 'Need some help?'

'No, but we can sit by the kitchen table,' Castiel goes straight there and Dean follows him. The pizza is delicious, the tomato sauce rich and pepperoni well-cooked, and Dean can't help himself and devours it without any inhibitions. He even picks up the strings of cheese that cling to his plate and stuffs them in his mouth with the rest of it.

'I see you like it,' Castiel is looking at him, amused. The man only went through his second slice, while Dean's had four already. 

'This is _so_ good,' Dean mumbles, his mouth full and it comes out so muffled he's not sure if the alpha understood. But Castiel smiles ever more, so he guesses he did. Dean swallows with difficulty and asks, the words now clear: 'Could I please have one more?'

'The whole box is yours,' replies Castiel, raising his eyebrows. 'I hope you didn't expect me to order this much pizza for myself.'

Dean shrugs meekly but he's pleased; alpha still gets him meals that are just for him. 

'Thank you,' he says and remembers. 'Oh, I forgot to tell you a fact. So I guess it's two now,' he knows he must look conflicted as he tries to pick the second one, the slice hanging down from his hand under the weight of ingredients. 'One of the first days I was here, I used this sauce you had in the grey bottle. It smelled kinda like tomato so I thought it was fine-'

'Oh my GOD,' Castiel chokes on his pizza, alarmed, but also starting to laugh. 'That's-'

'Tabasco, I know,' whines Dean, the memory of his throat burning coming back. 'I only tried a spoon to see if it wasn't spoiled. I almost _died_.'

Castiel actually giggles at that. In another life, Dean would have punched him in the arm, pretending to be offended. But this is here and now, and he only sighs dramatically.

'A whole spoon!' he complains, and then quieter, more timid: 'Why do you even keep that if you don't cook, alpha?'

'I'm sorry for laughing at you,' Castiel says, wiping his eyes. 'It's just, I never thought anyone would have tried that. I forgot. It was a present from one of my brothers, a "mystery taste", he said,' Castiel uses his fingers to do some air quotes which makes him look pretty ridiculous, in Dean's opinion. 'It was in my fridge for about a year now.'

'I didn't throw it away, so be careful,' Dean warns him, still smiling, and takes a big bite. 'Alpha? Can I ask something?'

'You know you can,' Castiel takes a sip of the coke he brought with him, in the paper takeaway cup. That was another thing that surprised Dean - he didn't even remember when he last had coke, but god did he miss it. 

'You said one of your brothers. How many do you have?'

Castiel doesn't like the question and it's evident. He puts down the cup and stares at his hands. 

'I don't want to talk about my family.'

His voice is strained and he's not angry, he's _not_ , Dean can smell, but he still worries.

'I'm sorry-' he starts, food suddenly sitting heavy in his stomach.

'No, it's not you, it's just...' Castiel hesitates. He plays with his wedding ring, turning it left and right and left and right. 'It's not a pleasant topic for me.'

Dean nods in agreement. He wouldn't want to talk about his family, either. Too many painful memories.

'You're my husband,' Castiel says and looks up at him, and his eyes are very very blue and kind. 'So of course, I'll tell you all about it, one day. But if you'd let me- I am having a good time right now, and I'd like to keep it that way.'

Dean offers him a small smile and nods again. He hopes Castiel understands that he didn't mean to be a prying asshole. 

_if you'd let me_

Like Dean had the power, or even a desire to force Castiel to open up about his personal problems. It's not like he's Dr. Phil, even if there was an omega one. 

'What's the second fact?'

Dean's head snaps up, he completely forgot. 

'Right! Uh, okay...' he stalls, because he has nothing prepared. ' So, winter is my favourite season.'

This shit is sappy, but he can't come up with anything less... dangerous. Exposing. He feels dumb as soon as the words leave his mouth, but it's too late. 

Castiel picks at his slice but sounds interested when he inquires:

'Because you were born then?'

He really remembers? Dean's baffled. 

'Uh, not really. I mean - I didn't get a lot of birthdays, it just... wasn't a thing,' time to change the topic. 'But winter is cool. There's no bugs and no heat, and everything looks... quiet. Like, when there's snow, you know? It looks... different, and I like it, yeah.'

Dean sucks at explaining things, oh god, why did he even say that. But he's not used to talking about his feelings, or whatever he likes, or just talking much at all. 

'I enjoy winter too,' Castiel contemplates, chewing his vegetable-supreme pizza. 'I agree that the world seems different covered in snow. It's like it's cocooned in peace. It's... serene, and optimistic.' 

'Yeah, I mean, what you said,' Dean seconds the description. 'Good stuff, alpha.'

Castiel's eyes are shining, the corners of his mouth turn up. 

'Good stuff,' he repeats, and the words sound odd coming from him. 

But Dean is having a nice time, and when they finish the meal (with Dean stuffing himself with all eight slices of pizza and Castiel marveling at his capabilities, _not_ scolding), the alpha offers that they can watch a movie.

'My friend's just recommended it to me, and I know you're keen on movies...' he sounds tentative, but not reluctant. 'So maybe you would like to watch it, together?'

Together. The emphasis is strong enough for Dean to suspect that this is about something else. Something they mentioned in the morning, maybe? 

'As in, together together?' Dean asks and cringes, it sounds so stupid. Maybe that's why Alastair didn't want to hear him talk, maybe it was a blessing for the both of them. Dean's never had much of a brain-mouth filter. At Castiel's disoriented expression, he clarifies: 

'Like a porno?'

'No!' Castiel almost shouts, horrified for some reason, and it makes Dean stumble back one step on instinct. 'No, I meant like a normal movie, Dean. Like you wanted to yesterday?'

'Oh,' Dean feels dense. Again. It's just so hard to get used to Castiel wanting normal things, absolutely sex-unrelated. He notices alpha is watching him closely, as if judging his reaction. 'Yeah, I'd like that, alpha.'

'Alright. I have no work to do tonight. But before we watch something, I'd like to take a look at your belongings.'

Dean feels his heart stutter in his chest. A tiny _why?_ almost, almost makes his way out of his throat, but he stops himself just in time. It's alpha's choice. If he wants to take away whatever Dean has, he's got the right.

But really, why? Dean doesn't think he's done anything wrong. Maybe it's all the questions he's asking. Or all the stuff Castiel said he didn't mind, but in reality, he did. Time for the hammer to fall. 

They go upstairs, to the bedroom, and Dean opens one of the drawers in the wardrobe. It's all there - his navy overshirt, one black and one grey t-shirt, a pair of jeans that he wears outside, two pairs of socks and two pairs of boxers. All that Castiel's given to him on day one. His canvas jacket hangs by the door, his sneakers are in the shoe cabinet nearby. Combined with the outfit he wears in the house, it's the most clothing he's had in a long while. It's comfortable and useful, too - nothing revealing or "sexy". It's practical.

Except for the clothes, he has his collar, a toothbrush and a comb. He shares the soap, shampoo and toothpaste with the alpha, and he hasn't asked what to do when he needs a shave yet. The hair on his body takes a lot of time to grow out, cause he's an omega. 

As Castiel stands there and takes it all in, Dean just prays he won't make him run around the house naked.

'That's not a lot of clothing,' Castiel sighs over the contents of the drawer. Dean begs to differ, but doesn't open his mouth. Castiel glances back at him; he must notice that Dean's apprehensive. 'Hey, it's alright. We'll just buy you more.'

Dean frowns. 

'We will?'

'Yes, that's why I'm checking what else should you need.'

'I don't need anything, alpha,' Dean assures him. 'There's nothing wrong with these clothes.'

'If we're going to live together, you need way more than that. You need a lot of clothes for a lot of occasions and weather conditions. And some other items would be good, too.'

'What items?' Dean can't keep fear out of his voice this time. So he's apprehensive, sue him; 'items' can mean so much when it comes to omegas, and it's never anything pleasant. A cock cage, maybe? If Castiel doesn't dig sex with him much? 

'Whatever you want or like,' replies Castiel, closing the drawer. 'Books, blankets, CDs?'

'I can get that?' Dean raises his eyebrows, incredulous. Is alpha joking? Maybe it's going to be shared or something, or only accessible when he's being good... but it still sounds promising and makes Dean kinda excited. 

'Of course. We'll go to the shop tomorrow, if you'll feel well enough.'

'I will, alpha,' Dean sends him a smile. 'That sounds awesome.'

Castiel nods and holds out his hand to Dean. 

'Now, the movie?' he asks. The omega takes his hand, and alpha's hands are so big, it never stops amazing him. They're the same height; Dean's always been told he's too big for an omega - but Castiel's bigger in... other places. More firm. His shoulders are broad, so is his chest and his thighs... his thighs are _really_ muscular. Dean never would've thought thighs like these can belong to a nerdy programmer. 

Castiel leads him back downstairs and they sit down on the couch, keeping some distance between them. 

'Perhaps you already know it,' alpha says, and he seems... nervous? 'Charlie said it's one of the best horror movies of this century.'

'Aw, that's great, I love horrors,' he honestly can't wait. Alpha's spending an _entire_ day with him. Doing things _Dean_ enjoys. He feels like he's hit the jackpot and the lottery is his life. 

'Yes, well-' Castiel scrolls down the movie thumbnails to settle on one. 'This is it. The... Conjuring?'

Hell yeah, Dean loves this one! Excitement takes over and he almost bounces on the couch, instantly full of energy.

'Oh my god, that's like one of my favourites. And there's a second part, too! And many spin-offs. I haven't seen The Nun yet, it's not on Netflix or anything and it's not like I can go to the cinema, but I'm gonna see it one day. We should watch Annabelle too, if you'll like this! And th-' Dean looks back from the TV to Castiel, suddenly remembering where he is and what he's doing and it makes him stop mid-word. He stills, alpha is watching him closely, what the fuck is he _doing_?

He's pale and he knows he stinks of distress. Castiel doesn't look mad, but he pauses the loading screen and puts the remote down.

He's fucked up again. He almost had it, it's been so long since he's watched something he enjoyed with another person, and maybe maybe some nice touch, but he just _had_ to open his big mouth, didn't he? Why is he such an idiot?

'I'm sorry, I'll behave,' he swears. 'I'm sorry, alpha. I didn't mean to speak. I'll shut up please, can we still watch the movie? I'll just sit here and I won't say a word-'

'I _want_ you to tell me things,' Castiel interrupts him, his voice gentle and he's leaning towards him on the couch, intent. 'It's interesting, you know a lot about this. So there are other parts?'

Dean swallows, glances between the TV and Castiel who's waiting for an answer. He really does sound curious and doesn't seem to pay much attention to his freak out. 

'Y-yeah,' he answers, his voice wavering a little. 'A second part, and some other related movies.'

'Are they also about ghosts?' 

'Two are about a creepy doll,' Dean murmurs, staring at the smooth surface of the couch, because that's easier. 'One is about a killer nun.'

Castiel snorts at that and he looks really amused, when Dean does take his chance and peeks at him. 

'Let's see then, I am intrigued,' with that, he presses play again. 

'We can still watch it?' Dean raises his eyebrows. Hope blooms in his chest. Castiel's not mad. He's really not mad, and he replies 'of course' and then better, he takes Dean's hand and tugs at him, until he slowly shuffles close. Their arms are brushing now, and Dean timidly rests his head on alpha's shoulder. He looks up, searching Castiel's face for permission, and the man smiles and gives him yet another one of the soft kisses on his head. 

The movie starts and Dean feels like he's melting. They're cuddling. They're _holding hands._

They talk over the movie, sometimes; they both agree that the soundtrack's great, and Castiel asks matter-of-fact questions regarding the plot and the way demonologists work. Dean's more than happy to answer; he's read some books about the real Warrens as a part of research for dad and still remembers. John was always interested in the occult and Dean knew it was probably because of how mom died, but he never saw any monsters... save for humans. He figured dad was trying to get an... understanding of how the killer's mind worked. Or where would he strike next. 

Dean never even wanted to attempt to understand him. He just wanted to find him and kill him, but they never did. Dad disappeared and Dean entered the Alastair hell, and that was it. Their purpose from the past didn't matter anymore.

Castiel actually jumps during some scary scenes, but he's fascinated. It's so awesome to experience it with the alpha, have a laid-back discussion about it, and Dean finds himself looking forward to watching more movies with him.

'That was enjoyable,' Castiel announces when Dean lifts his head off of his shoulder and stretches. His joints pop, protesting. 'We can watch the second part soon?'

'Yeah, tomorrow?' Dean smiles lazily. He feels like he's had the best rest in years. 

'Sounds perfect. How do you feel?'

'Great,' and Dean really does. His headache is gone, the cough didn't return. His nose is still leaking but that's not gonna change. He knows from experience a cold always takes a long time to fully go away. 

'You should inhale again, just in case,' Castiel decides and gets up, groaning and stretching his arms above his head. His shirt rides up and Dean gets a glimpse of his toned stomach. 'I'll take out the trash in the meantime.'

'Okay,' Dean agrees and they do just that. It's not that late, but Castiel insists that they go to bed. Dean thinks that his legs are going to stop working at this rate, but he remembers they're supposed to go out to the shop tomorrow. 

Castiel gives him some kind of a nose spray to help him breathe at night and Dean's bewildered to find his nose pretty much unblocked and dry after twenty minutes. They brush their teeth and while Castiel takes a shower and changes, Dean sits on the bed and wonders whether he should present or not. He doesn't feel sick anymore, so that's fine. He thinks this time the alpha might want to do it; he's been touching him all day. And he kinda wants to, too. He got hard in the tub before, when Castiel kissed him and then said... those words. _Good boy._ Dean almost shudders just thinking about it. What's he got to lose? He's never been beaten for presenting.

So, when he hears the shower stop, he pulls down his pants and gets in position on the bed. It should be humiliating, but after so many years of doing it all he feels is weird comfort. 

Sex is complicated. Dean knows that as an omega, he's kind of made to take it. And it doesn't make him mad or anything, because that's helpful. Even if Alastair never went easy on him, knotting itself rarely hurt. But the way he feels about it... 

On one hand, it's just part of his duties, it doesn't scare him much. Can be uncomfortable at times, painful if the alpha has some weird kinks, but it's an everyday thing. He got used to it. 

But on the other hand... he also needs it, he thinks. A couple of times, it scratched an itch somewhere deep inside him, when he did it with the alpha he was bonded to. From time to time he's allowed to come. Coming feels good sometimes, even having his mate inside feels good sometimes, like the fact that they're biological mates is enough to cover up the lack of positive feelings they have for each other. Act as some kind of catalyst.

That's the bad part, cause Dean hates Alastair. Hates him with all he's got but he also respected him and wanted to please him all the same, and not all of it was just beaten into him. It was some deeper instinct, him responding to having an alpha. And it made sex a lot better. It wasn't like that with other alphas, some he was made to service. With Alastair, even if he never got any pleasure from the alpha, it felt... like it was right. And it was good that it didn't hurt much or didn't make it too bad to handle, but it also made him feel like he was really that easy. Like he didn't need or deserve any gentleness or even a helping hand on his cock, because even if he didn't come, it just felt like he was made to take it up the ass.

He hated that he was getting some distant pleasure from being used. It was hard to stay mad at the world, at the way it worked, when situations like these only seemed to confirm the alphas' view of him and his designation. But at the same time... he was thankful for it. Sex was a chore, but it was also bringing him hope, that maybe this time he'd feel the echo of that bond, of something right, of them belonging to each other. 

But it's still _nothing_ compared to Castiel's soft touches when they hug. That feels... completely different. Maybe, Dean sometimes thinks, that's what should make sex so great. The intimacy and frailty of it. 

It _never_ hurts with Castiel, and while sex itself is kind of bland, Dean loves the way the alpha pets his thighs and his cheeks when he opens him up. He's always so... nice. Dean's got actual scars there, places where Alastair's knives or fingernails have been, but Castiel's fingers skim over the flesh like it's brand new, massaging and soothing. Then, after they're done and have to wait out the knot, Castiel sometimes presses a kiss or two to his back and that's so good too. He doesn't sprawl all over Dean, doesn't smother him and asks in a husky voice if he's okay. 

Well, he hopes for some more of that now. And he wants the alpha to be satisfied, too. He's taking such good care of him. 

Castiel exits the bathroom and enters the bedroom, and stops. Dean's arms tremble a little and he's nervous like he wasn't before. But now things are kinda different between them. 

'Dean, please sit down.'

'You don't want to?' asks Dean and his voice is small when he slowly moves to change the position. He quickly covers himself with his discarded pants, now all bundled up. 

Castiel sits down next to him. 

'I do,' he replies, sincere. 'But first, we need to talk.'

'Oh, okay,' Dean pulls the pants tighter to himself and scoots back on the bed, just the slightest bit. His mouth is dry but he forces himself to keep looking at the alpha. His eyes say a lot, he's noticed. 

'Do you want this? Or do you just want to make me feel good?'

Dean looks away, his fingers anxiously tugging at the pants in his lap, playing with the cord of the sweatpants. 

'Both?' he whispers, glancing up but not raising his head. Trying to gauge Castiel's reaction.

'What do you like about sex with me?' Castiel continues. It's still confidential, and he thinks alpha's trying to be delicate, but Dean feels on display.

'I like that you're nice,' Dean shrugs. 'Like when you touch me and stuff.'

'If that's what you like about it, then how's intercourse different than cuddling, honey?' Castiel's hand grips Dean's knee, gentle, and Dean still flinches. 

'I-it _is_ different,' he manages, fighting to calm down. 'It's just... more. More of you and me, together. And with you, it's in a good way.'

Castiel looks thoughtful. 

'Can you please tell me what this is about, alpha?' Dean asks in despair. His shoulders slump as he hunches in on himself. 'I just don't get it. You wanna have sex sometimes, and then you don't. Are you asking cause you don't wanna have it anymore? If you don't wanna, I'll stop trying to offer. Just please please don't put me in a cage-'

'I would never do that to you,' Castiel interrupts, with a squeeze of his hand on Dean's knee. 'I like sex, Dean, but maybe not as much as you expect me to. And I only like it when it's something you enjoy too.'

Dean nods. Some of it goes past his ears, he can't understand. 

'What do you say we make it nicer this time? More personal?'

The omega frowns. He's not sure if he digs the idea. 

'What do you mean?'

'Do you ever reach your climax when we mate?'

Dean feels his face heat up. It's not only that Castiel asks, but also the way he does. Who talks like that?

'No!' he assures. 'You didn't give me permission, so I didn't touch myself. Promise.'

Castiel closes his eyes and Dean can scent sorrow, and guilt, and it throws him off big time. 

'So every time we were together, you never experienced pleasure?' the alpha sounds wrecked. 'I was just... inside you and-'

'What? No!' Dean protests and instantly wants to make him feel better. And it's not the usual case of 'it's my job to please' but more like... he knows he's gotta set this straight. 'I mean, I did jerk off in the shower a couple of times. We were having a lot of sex and I was... pent up. Was that okay? I was taught I'm not supposed to, in bed and with an alpha unless he lets me, but... you didn't say anything about my off time.' Truth is, Dean hoped the topic would never surface, but given how distraught Castiel looks, he feels like he has to admit it. 

'Of course it's okay, Dean,' Castiel chokes out, and turns around to compose himself. The place where his hand laid on Dean's knee feels cold and vacant now. 

'Well, I, uh...' Dean stammers. 'I do. Experience pleasure, I mean, like you said. It's...' 

He looks away. He's so embarrassed, he kind of wishes a hole could open in the ground and swallow him up.

' _Please_ tell me,' says Castiel, and the hand on his knee is back. For the first time ever, Dean feels like he draws some kind of strength from it. Castiel is so sincere, and he really listens, and at that moment, Dean thinks he doesn't mean anything bad at all and he really just wants to understand. Maybe even desperately so. 

'Every time we mate, I actually, uh, pop a boner,' he stops and rubs the back of his neck, uncomfortable. 'I just don't... do anything about it. Cause I didn't think you'd want me to. But... when I mate with an alpha, even if there's no touches, it sometimes feels kinda right. Sometimes just feels okay to have someone... inside me.'

He knows his face is burning, and he can't look at Castiel anymore, drops his eyes. 

'Sometimes I'm horny and I feel like I need it,' he admits, very very quietly. 'And before, with Alastair... usually it didn't do anything for me, but there were times when it did. And he wasn't paying much attention to me, so I don't get it. But with you...' he hesitates, staring at the hand on his knee. Castiel has amazing hands. Long, long fingers, and he didn't take off his ring this time. Seeing the cheap gold glinting with a muted shine helps Dean get through the rest of the sentence. Alastair never wore his ring.

'With you, it's better. You're always so nice. That thing, that thing I kinda felt with Alastair, sometimes? Like when someone's inside me, like it's right? I feel that with you every time.'

When he looks back up, Castiel is smiling gently, and he smells relieved. 

'When we first mated,' Castiel starts, moving closer to Dean and making himself more comfortable on the bed. 'I tried to be very careful for you.'

'You're always careful!' Dean assures him. 'You never hurt me.'

'I'm glad,' Castiel continues. 'But I didn't know you well, Dean, and sex is different when we do know each other. And I feel that... correctness of it, too, because I'm an alpha, you're an omega and we're bonded, but I wasn't sure if you would. I was worried-' he trails off, and now it's his turn to look away. Dean listens, eyes wide open. 'At first I thought that omegas wanted, needed sex all the time. I thought that was why you presented. And you kept presenting and wanting more, so I assumed you came every time, untouched.'

'I can't do that,' Dean whispers sheepishly. Castiel glances back at him, legitimate surprise on his face. 

'I thought all omegas...' he shakes his head. 'I have a lot of wrong ideas about omegas, it seems.' 

The words are bitter and self-deprecating, and now it's Dean who shakes his head. 

'You got that one right, alpha,' he says. 'Most of them can. But not me.'

Castiel nods. 

'Well, then I got to know you a bit better. And I understood how many things you do to please me. And I was worried that maybe you didn't like having sex at all. That you were just doing it for me. But... that thing you're talking about is because of our bond,' he says, and that part's quiet. Dean thinks he's trying not to scare him. 'And it's completely normal that you feel it, baby, even if we don't know each other well. I feel it too, every time. It's also normal that you felt it with Alastair.'

'I didn't like him,' Dean chokes out, and folds in on himself, starts to shake. He doesn't know why he's shaking, he's not scared. He's just... overwhelmed. He's talking to alpha about sex. He's telling him things, really personal things, that he's never told anyone. And he can't seem to stop.

'I know,' Castiel is sympathetic now, earnest. 'But it's natural. I'm just glad I wasn't hurting you, and that you felt that it was right, at least. I'm sorry I never cared to make sure you orgasmed.'

Dean's face is flushed all over again. 

'It's okay,' he weakly replies. God, this is so awkward. But it also... moves him, because alphas? Are never sorry. Especially not for things like these. What does it matter if he comes or not? 

_I only like it when it's something you enjoy too,_ Castiel's said. 

'I'd like to try and give you some more pleasure,' Castiel keeps going, and it brings Dean's thoughts to a halt. 'Would that be alright?'

'You don't have to,' Dean quickly assures him. Being the focus of Castiel's attention during sex would probably feel wrong. _just please please open me up like you do,_ he thinks. 

'But I want to,' replies Castiel, his eyes shining. 'I'd like to keep the lights on, and to see your face, and to help you climax.'

Dean's kind of terrified, but not in the usual way. What terrifies him is that he thinks he _wants_ that. 

'Okay,' he nods, his mouth dry, his palms starting to sweat. 

'If you don't like anything - _anything_ I do,' Castiel emphasizes. 'Tell me right away. I'll never be mad.'

'Okay,' repeats Dean. Castiel's hand moves up his knee, brushing his fingers up his thigh until they reach the pants Dean has a death grip on. 

'May I?' he asks, raising his eyebrows, but he waits for Dean's permission. 

Dean nods, dumbstruck, and Castiel gently takes the pants from him and puts them to the side. Dean feels exposed, but alpha doesn't look at his dick. He moves his hand upwards and grabs the hem of Dean's T-shirt, tugs it up. Dean gets the idea and raises his arms, letting Castiel take it off of him. 

He sits there, so so close to his alpha, and shivers slightly. He feels so ugly and unprotected, it takes a valiant effort to keep his hands flat on his thighs instead of covering himself. 

Castiel leans forward and cradles Dean's face between his hands. Dean can't make himself look into his eyes so he fixes his stare on his mouth. 

'Do you enjoy kissing?' asks Castiel, and waits and waits and waits until Dean breathes out a quiet 'yeah' only to press his lips to Dean's. It's almost chaste, at first, and Dean's not sure what to do - usually he'd just open his mouth and let the alpha do whatever. But Castiel seems to wait for him to respond, so he tentatively kisses back - letting his tongue peek out a little - and Castiel opens _his_ mouth and lets _him_ in. Dean trembles but goes at it, very very carefully exploring Castiel's mouth with his tongue, but he starts to be scared, what if alpha bites him? Or yanks him away by the hair or gets mad... This is not how it's supposed to be, he's an omega. So he retreats gingerly, but then Castiel starts kissing him again, drawing him back, and that's more familiar. Familiar as in, Dean knows what to do, but... it's so... delicate. Not hungry and violent like Alastair was. 

Those kisses make Dean shiver in a good, good way, they make him breathless and confident enough that he kisses back, again, and Castiel hums into his mouth, pleased. The sound goes straight to Dean's cock, which starts filling out. 

Castiel breaks the kiss first and studies him. Dean's panting, staring back at him, not sure what to do. Castiel has such nice, pink lips, and his blue eyes are so vibrant, and his cheeks are flushed. He grins at Dean, looks really content. 

'Lay down on your back for me, baby,' he says in a husky voice, and Dean's surprised to hear how wrecked he sounds when he voices his agreement. Castiel gets up and Dean arranges himself on the bed, tracking alpha's moves with worried eyes. He hopes he didn't fuck up anything yet, why is alpha leaving? 

But Castiel just brings some lube and a throw pillow from the closet, and strips off his clothes. Dean lays spread out on the bed, self-conscious, almost vibrating with the need to cover himself up. He gapes as Castiel removes his shirt and his boxers, and leaves them on the chair. Alpha moves like he's in no rush, and Dean feels nervous but also turned on, knowing he's laying there exposed, with his half-hard cock on display, and Castiel folds his fucking underwear and acts like nothing's happening. 

When he does turn to Dean, though, he doesn't seem cold or predatory, like Alastair usually was. His body is tanned and strong, his dick is hardening too, huge. Dean swallows at the sight of it; it's not like he never saw it before, but they were in the dark, he was on his front and he only got a glance or two whenever the alpha slipped out of him and they readied for sleep. He felt way bigger than Alastair or most alphas Dean's been fucked by, though. 

But despite Castiel's obvious (sizeable) arousal, when Dean looks back up at his face, his eyes are warm and he's smiling. It's a kind smile, too, nothing animalistic. It calms Dean down and he feels a surge of fondness, something he's never experienced with any alpha before. Especially when Castiel gets on the bed and nudges his hips, asking him to lift up, and places the pillow underneath him. 

'It's more comfortable this way, this position is not the most optimal one,' he keeps talking, his voice matter-of-fact, and it makes Dean smile, too. He's in between a willing omega's legs, at least slightly horny, but instead of slamming into him like any normal alpha would, he tilts his head to make sure Dean's hips are on the right level, clinical and adorably serious. It's getting harder to believe he could have any malicious intent. And that should be good news, right?

The lube clicks open and Castiel softly inches his legs further apart. Dean goes pliant with a quiet sigh of relief. He's already slicking a little but it looks like alpha doesn't intend to forget his favourite part. 

He flinches at the first cold touch of thick fingers, circling around his rim. 

'You're always so wet for me,' Castiel sounds astonished, like Dean's giving him some kind of a gift. The omega lifts his head to look down in between his spread thighs. Castiel's hands disappear behind his balls, his face concentrated and he looks so hot, sitting there casually, opening him up... so when the first finger breaches him, Dean actually moans. Loudly.

Castiel stills, Dean stills and they stare at each other. Dean's mortified and he feels Castiel slowly withdraw the finger.

'I'm sorry,' Dean whispers, knowing his cheeks are burning. 'I'm sorry, I didn't mean to.'

His cock softens right away and Dean feels miserable. It's over. Castiel might not beat him up, but he'll probably dress up and go to sleep, fed up with Dean's nonsense. Or maybe he'll just fuck him to be done with it.

'Did I hurt you?'

Alpha sounds - and looks - really worried.

'What? No,' Dean can't believe he's thinking that. 'The uh, the opposite. I'm sorry, I'll shut up. Can we keep going? Please. I'll be good.'

Castiel's face crumples a little. 

'You're already good, sweetheart,' his big hands rest on Dean's thighs, right over the scars, right where Dean likes it, and start massaging them gently. Soothingly, Dean thinks. 'Do you think it's wrong to make sounds?'

'I'm not supposed to,' murmurs Dean. It's hard to stay scared when alpha's touching him like that. He also doesn't smell mad or annoyed or anything. He smells calm. 

'I never said you weren't supposed to,' counters Castiel, his hands travel upwards, fingers digging into the flesh of Dean's buttocks, kneading gently. 'Please never feel like you have to hold yourself back for me.'

'You don't mind?'

Dean knows he just said he doesn't, he knows, but when he was just over twenty - his first year with Alastair - he was taught not to make sounds. Alastair gagged him until he learned how to stay quiet, and he didn't forget his lessons. It was tough to let go of them after so many years, just now. 

'No,' Castiel's fingers are back to his hole. 'I also don't mind if you prefer to stay silent. I want you to enjoy it, Dean, that's all.'

Dean nods, and puts his head back on the bed, staring at the ceiling. Castiel slowly, carefully opens him up, the squelching, anti-climatic sound of lube and Dean's uneven breathing filling the room. The alpha's meticulous as always, only finishing when he can freely twist all four of his fingers inside Dean, and by then the omega's half-hard again. 

Castiel wipes his hand on the covers, and moves to lean over Dean. Dean knows what's coming now - the push of the blunt head of his cock - but he doesn't dread it. He feels loose and ready down there, anticipates it, even. But Castiel doesn't do it, not yet - first, he props himself up on his elbows above Dean, and then closes the distance between their faces, kissing him again. His lips move to the right, leaving a trail of soft kisses on Dean's cheek, along his jaw, and then Castiel sucks on his ear lobe, grazes it with his teeth. Dean feels his cock make a tiny twitch, and he moans again, stifles it instinctively. This feels _good_.

'Does my little omega like that?'

Dean doesn't know how Castiel can stay so unaffected when they're up close and personal like that, since his arousal is visible. It's not that he's not feeling it, he's just so... collected. It impresses Dean, because he feels like a total wreck as he manages a heartfelt nod against Castiel's shoulder. 

Castiel gives him one more wet kiss to his cheek and slowly, finally, pushes in, inch by inch. 

'How about that?'

Dean can't answer, because as per usual when alpha gets inside him, his mouth is hanging open and he's grasping the sheets. It's not that it hurts, it's just... so much. 

'Hnng,' is all he manages, like an absolute idiot, but when Castiel bottoms out and makes the first move, drags his monster cock all over his prostate, he clutches at his shoulders fervently and pulls him closer. 

Castiel's not even set the pace yet, but he stops moving, and Dean lets go immediately.

'S-sorry,' he hastily says, quickly taking his hands away. 'I'm sorry.' 

He looks to the side, humiliated and tense, sure that alpha's going to get mad now. Alright, maybe he doesn't mind Dean being vocal, but alphas like omegas submissive, not gripping them possessively. 

'You can touch me,' Castiel huffs out, impatient, grabbing Dean's hand and bringing it back to his chest. He starts moving again, and Dean hesitantly traces his skin with his fingers while he's still going slow-slow-slow. In and almost completely out, and it's adding to the pleasure building low in Dean's stomach. Alpha's so soft to touch, with no bumps and scars, his skin pristine. He's starting to sweat and Dean loves the smell of it, the scent of their arousal combined.

He squeezes Castiel's shoulder timidly, watches the muscles shift and strain under the skin, lets his hand go up, trailing his neck and the stubble on his jaw. Castiel looks straight at him all the time and Dean finally finds the courage to raise his eyes and catch his gaze; his eyes are lust-blown and darker than usual, but still so so warm and kind. He seems to tremble a little when Dean's fingers splay on his cheek and cradle it, and he turns his head a fraction, presses his mouth to Dean's palm and gives it a kiss.

Dean inhales, absolutely overwhelmed, glancing back up in awe. This is the slowest, most intimate sex he's ever had, he's never even known it could be like _this_. He shivers, aware that he's leaking like a faucet, his arms coming around Castiel's neck to hold onto him. Alpha starts going faster and faster, and hitching gasps escape Dean. He gets lost in it and feels the bond he and alpha were just talking about. But instead of the usual distant echo of it, something primal and meant-to-be he's been chasing for years just to get a taste of it, just to feel some kind of pleasure - this time, it's louder, clearer, and he feels like he's getting more and more of it with every thrust and-

There's a hand on his cock. 

He flinches away so hard that Castiel actually slips out of him. Alpha's instantly worried and confused, he can smell, and he curls underneath him, to the side, shaking and covering his face with his hands. 

'I- I'm so s-sorry, oh my god,' he stammers, his entire body screaming run, but he knows there'd be no use.

'Are you alright?' 

Castiel's panting, but he sits down next to him. Takes hold of his hands and tries to pry them away from his face, gently, but he refuses to let him. 

'Yes,' he says instead, 'I ruined it, I'm so sorry. I just got scared.'

His head is spinning. Alpha's put so much work into this, and he was supposed to make him feel good, and it felt so good for him too, better than ever, he loved it and now -

'You didn't ruin anything. You did exactly what I wanted, you hear me, Dean? Dean, do you hear me?' 

The words make no sense, seeming to come from afar but they surprise him so much, he uncovers one side of his face to get a look at Castiel, his worried eyes making an appearance. 

'What?'

'I asked you to tell me if you don't like something I do, and you did.' 

'Didn't say anything-'

'You showed me,' Castiel lays down beside him, facing him, still so close. 'I'm sorry I scared you.'

'No, no,' Dean grabs Castiel's hand and brings it to his cock, almost entirely soft now. 'You can touch me anywhere. I'm yours, I know it.' 

Castiel pulls his hand back, still holding Dean's. 

'I don't want to touch you anywhere. I want to touch you where you like it.'

Dean feels tears prickle at his eyes, but he's not gonna cry about that, ugh. He's never been such a wussy when he was at Alastair's. Maybe he's really broken. 

'I think...' he starts, swallows, looks down on his cock. 'I think I do want you to touch me, there, I swear. I just got scared. It was so nice. I loved it.'

'That's okay, honey, it's baby steps,' Castiel embraces him, uncertainly at first, but when Dean burrows into his side like there's no tomorrow, he pulls him closer. 'You were such a good boy for me.'

Dean's breath stutters and he knows his stupid, treacherous cock isn't as soft as it was seconds ago anymore.

'You didn't even come,' he points out, upset. 'And you were... I liked it all, so much. I want to keep going.'

'Maybe tomorrow we'll try again.'

Tomorrow. 

Dean doesn't want to do it tomorrow, he wants to do it now. There's an ache between his legs, and his hole feels stretched and empty, the pillow soaked with slick and getting cold under his ass. He feels disgusting and sad. They stopped just when it was getting somewhere great, to some uncharted territory Dean's never explored before, and he _wants_ to explore it. 

But he's not gonna push. Alpha said tomorrow, so he's gonna wait. He's grateful he already got so much today, even if he ended up needy and frustrated. But whose fault is that?

He's not Castiel's good boy, he's not a good omega, not a good anything. 

'Do you want me to leave your penis alone in the future?' 

Dean shuts his eyes for a brief second, an exasperated _please stop talking this way_ running through his mind, but he really considers the question. 

'No,' he decides. 'I was just surprised.'

Surprised? More like triggered. It's not that no alpha has ever gripped his dick during sex. It's that that usually hurt, because they were never careful, and they pulled on it like he was a toy, getting mad if he didn't come right away, as if their touch alone was supposed to make him explode with lust or something. It didn't. What it did do was leave him oversensitive and hurting and kind of... dirty.

But he doesn't think... he doesn't think it will be this way with this alpha. If Castiel gets him off like he fingers him... fuck, does he want that.

'Maybe I can just blow you?' he asks, hesitant, and feels Castiel's arms tense around him. 'You didn't come.'

He knows he's said it moments ago, but Castiel didn't acknowledge it and it really bothers him. And he knows technically alpha doesn't like him offering that, he just can't stop himself. 

'I don't think I'm in the mood anymore, Dean,' he sighs and shifts his hips so that Dean can feel his erection... which is gone. He looks down and sees that alpha's gone soft as well.

'Oh,' he replies eloquently. 'Sorry.'

He hides his face in Castiel's shoulder. Sex was supposed to be the one thing he's good at... but it turns out, he can't even satisfy his alpha. 

'Please stop apologizing,' Castiel's hand pets his hair. 'I enjoyed our time together very much, Dean.'

Then, he slowly lets go of him and gets up. 

'I shall clean up,' he announces. Dean waits silently. Alpha brings over some wet tissues and cautiously wipes Dean's hole and balls and cock, getting rid of dried slick. The touch is feather-light and Dean doesn't flinch this time. He stares at Castiel, his sweaty skin and a couple of small tattoos he has on his left side, just below his ribs. He's noticed them before, but has no idea what they could mean. 

Next, alpha goes to the bathroom and must clean himself up, too, cause soon he's back. Dean's thrown the dirty pillow on the floor and put on his boxers and T-shirt in the meantime. The covers didn't get dirty which is a blessing, because he doesn't feel like he has the energy to change them. 

Castiel dons his boxers but stays shirtless, and Dean may feel like shit but this is definitely a silver lining. They get under the covers where it's warm and cozy, and Castiel motions for him to get close, which Dean does enthusiastically. He puts his head on alpha's chest where he can hear the steady rhythm of his heart. 

'I like your tattoos,' he whispers, his fingers hovering over the first symbol - it looks like a cross, except it has two crossbars. He skims over it and feels Castiel quiver. Glances up quickly, snatching his hand back. 

'Sorry,' he says, like always. 

'No, it was nice,' Castiel smiles at him idly, his hand again combing through Dean's hair. Short fingernails scratch his scalp and Dean loves that, lets out a soft sound and presses himself closer into Castiel's chest. Alpha chuckles a little but it's not mean, and Dean likes it. 

'Can I ask something?' 

'You know you can,' replies Castiel, and Dean thinks he's said that before, too.

'What - what do they mean? If you don't... if you feel okay telling me that.'

Castiel glances at his own tattoos, as if he forgot what kinda ink he has on his skin.

'They're symbols of things that helped me through my hard times.'

'Oh,' Dean says, feeling like he's invading. 

'The one you just touched, the double cross - that's a band whose music holds great value to me.'

Dean lifts his head.

'What kinda music?'

'Well, I am not sure about the genre,' Castiel muses. 'But their songs speak of emotional complexity, the need for human contact and how immense loneliness can be. They explain how one can feel desolated and vacant due to their mental state, and how significant it is to confide in people who understand you. The music is beautiful, but it's really the words that have a special meaning to me.'

He glances back at Dean, who's gaping at him slack-jawed. And he thought _he_ was overthinking Led Zep.

'Alpha-'

'You're right, I'm not good at explaining,' he gives up, sounding annoyed at himself. 'Would you like to listen to one of their songs to see what I mean?'

Castiel looks hopeful, as if he really wants to share this with him, and Dean feels excited. 

'Yes!' he agrees eagerly. 'Yeah, I told you I love music.'

Castiel smiles and holds out his hand to get his phone from the nightstand and a pair of earphones from the drawer. He gives one to Dean who puts the white bud in his ear without hesitation. It takes the alpha a moment to open some app Dean's not familiar with and place the other bud in his ear, but then he presses play.

'This one is special to me,' he announces, sounds shy - an alpha, _shy_ \- and leans back on the pillow, Dean lays next to him, his head on his own. They're side by side, looking up at the ceiling, but Dean grips his hand, laces their fingers together.

The song is not what he expects - it's not really his type of music, it's soft and starts out slow, melancholic - but soon the words get louder and the emotion in them is so genuine, Dean kinda gets what Castiel meant.

_-this is my safe house in the hurricane, here is where my love lays, two hundred treasured bones-_

And he looks at the alpha, and he has his eyes closed and a smile on his face, and a wave of affection hits him. He's just some omega, not even been here a month and just fucked up their knotting session, but his kind alpha cuddles him and plays him songs. This particular one is about lovers, and the words are kinda special, and Dean kinda likes it. He wonders if Castiel picked this song on purpose. Dean's never known the kind of love the signer sings about, but for a couple seconds, his head turned to the side staring at the alpha, he feels a stab of... 

_i think it could be us someday_

And it shocks him but it's not unpleasant, it's not, and his dark thoughts and guilt slowly ebb away, at least a little. Alpha's not mad, alpha still wants to spend time with him, so maybe he didn't mess up entirely.

The song ends and Castiel opens his eyes, takes out the earbud. 

'Did you enjoy it?' he asks, very very tentative.

'Yeah,' Dean nods sincerely. 'You were right, there is something awesome about it.'

'I'm glad,' Castiel smiles with some relief, and starts putting the phone away, wait, what?

'Hey, we're not gonna-' asks Dean before he can think this through. 'We can listen to more? This was just one song.'

'You want to listen to more?' Castiel looks like he's counting on it, too, but it just never occurred to him Dean might offer it. Does he honestly think Dean wouldn't dig laying in bed, their hands together, listening to songs?

'Hell yes,' Dean confirms, feeling bold. Castiel grins, a hint of surprise and excitement, and he lays back down. They listen to songs about love, about depression and solitude, and some of the lines Dean can really identify with. He only realizes he's fallen asleep when Castiel gently takes the bud out of his ear and it wakes him. 

'Sleep, little one,' he says, soothingly, and that might be an order but it sounds as far away from one as possible. Dean sighs and pulls the covers tighter around himself but he doesn't need to worry about being cold - alpha wraps his body around him and turns off the lights, and they go to sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> for some reason i can't post the link to the song, but 400 bones by Frightened Rabbit is the song dean & cas listen to. fully recommend the band and their other songs. they remind me of this fic a lot. 
> 
> this chapter was a nightmare, those fingers have never written this much in a span of a couple of days. i need a break so the next chapter might take longer than a week but this is insanely long in return ;) it's also emotionally heavy. tough to write. i've rewritten parts of it so so many times, but i think i'm mostly ok with how it turned out. mostly managed to convey what i wanted. 
> 
> as always, thank you so much for commenting and reading and the support! hope you like this one :) dean's had one (1) mostly good day for once!


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> timeline: day 5 (05/01).

'Did you just talk back to me?'

The voice is ice cold and Dean shudders, panic skyrocketing. He retreats to the hallway. 

'I'm sorry, alpha, I didn't mean to-' he assures, quivering. Alpha approaches him slowly, past the couch and the coffee table, and there's fury in his eyes. But his face is schooled and he looks... calculated, and that's when Dean knows he's in really deep shit. 

His pals sprawled on the couch chuckle when they notice the scene, but quickly turn their attention to the TV screen, to a football match. Beer spills when some player nearly gets points and Dean thinks, detached, that he has to clean it as soon as he can so it won't stain the brown carpet any more. 

'I didn't mean to,' mocks him Alastair, high-pitched, his features twisted with something vile. Dean's back hits the front door. He could open it and run away. He could, but he'd get a couple blocks away at best, and then they'd really hurt him. He knows Alastair likes it, likes that Dean knows he could open the door, but he won't. 

'I asked you a question, bitch,' he says, now so so close. Dean drops his eyes and stares at his bare feet, shaking so hard the door rattles quietly with him. 'Did you talk back to me?'

_go to the shop and get us more beer_

_i've just come back can i rest for a moment please_

Alastair knows that he's just come back. He's waited for Dean to take off his shoes and coat, unpack everything, only to tell him to go back to the same shop. He knows it's Dean's first day post-heat, has watched him throw up ten times since morning and still prepare dinner and snacks for his friends for the football afternoon. 

'Yes, alpha,' he admits, because the only way he might escape some of Alastair's rage is to be compliant. 

'Dean, Dean,' sighs Alastair, pretending to be disappointed. He's inches away from him, now, and slams his hand on the door just by Dean's right ear, making him jump and whimper. 'I thought we've been through this. You're incorrigible.'

'I'll go back to the shop, now, please,' whispers Dean, his hands forming fists, kept close to the body. He knows it's not good if he covers himself, but he can't help it. 'I'm so sorry, it won't happen again.'

'I don't know about that. You seem to be too dense to follow a couple of easy rules.'

Dean stinks of fear so much, it's making him nauseous, but Alastair leans forward, inhales his scent, and exhales, pleased. 

'At least your body knows to respect its owner,' he muses in his cruel, nasal voice, and Dean thinks he's actually going to cry. 'Let's remind your brain, shall we?'

The first punch throws him to the floor and Dean doesn't fight it. He's exhausted after the entire day, after his heat, his stomach burns and clenches because it's so empty and he still feels wrong. He's pretty sure there's already a bruise on his cheek where Alastair's just hit him, but he doesn't ponder it much, cause alpha is suddenly right there - lifts his head up by his short hair and it hurts, and he whines, so alpha smashes his head into the ground. He hears his nose crack and hot liquid trickles down his face, into his mouth. Its taste is copper and he brings a shaking hand to his face, trying to shield himself. Alastair leaves his head alone. Instead, there's a swift kick to his ribs and Dean grunts, curls into a ball. 

'Will you talk back again?' asks Alastair, the voice is so close, but Dean can't open his eyes. He shakes his head.

'I won't, I won't,' he promises, desperate but disoriented, his ears still ringing after the first punch. Alastair must see how out of it he is to let him off so easy. He sobs. 'I won't please I won't-'

'Shut up, that's pathetic. Get us that beer,' snarls Alastair and steps over his trembling form, goes back to the couch and joins his friends.

Dean tries to gather himself. The tears are not helping, they're mixing with the blood and smear all over his face when he tries to wipe them, ugh. He sits up, slowly, his stomach and side protesting, and he thinks he's gonna throw up again. He stumbles to the bathroom, his legs weak and shaky, and retches into the sink, but nothing comes up. He turns on the water and quickly washes his face - he doesn't have much time, doesn't want to anger his alpha any further. His nose looks terrible and he shuts his eyes as he gingerly feels it with shaking fingers. It doesn't look crooked but he knows it has to be broken, hurts like hell and won't stop bleeding. 

He bundles up some toilet paper and holds it to his nostrils, and looks at his reflection. He has to leave in a second, he knows he has to, but he still looks like a mess, his eyes red-rimmed and his cheek and nose covered in huge purple bruises. He can't help it when some fresh tear leak from his eyes, he needs an ice pack but knows he's not gonna get one. 

_Daddy please come get me,_ he pleads in his mind. He knows how stupid it is, knows dad's gotta be dead, he wouldn't have just left him on his own for more than a year. But he can't stop the mantra of _dad please come get me please take me away from here please dad need you to come back please-_

With a huge gasp of air, Dean wakes up. He's not in the bathroom. He's in bed and can see the nightstand and the dresser and the doorway, and he's under the covers, and he thinks he sees a glimpse of Alastair's bony tall figure in the far corner, but he blinks and it's gone. His nose is still pulsing with some phantom pain, but he touches it and it doesn't hurt. 

He turns around to see alpha Castiel on his side of the bed, tangled in the covers. He must've moved away during the night. Dean bites his lip and thinks, he said to wake him, but he can't do it. He opens his mouth and he still can't do it. Instead, he scoots closer to the alpha and slowly, slowly takes his arm. He watches alpha's face intently as he lifts the arm and carefully drapes it over himself. Alpha doesn't wake, luckily, but his fingers curl around Dean's body instinctively and Dean tries to calm down. This alpha smells like warmth and safety.

He's scared to close his eyes, so he doesn't. He lays awake in the night, the green fluorescent numbers of Castiel's clock spelling 3:47 and then 4:10 and then 4:50 and he's still scared. His hammering heart slowed down long ago, but he still expects to go back there, or to see Alastair standing in the room and smiling, and the panic doesn't let up. He tries to remember how he felt in the evening, because he knows he felt good - he felt protected and comfortable - but it seems so distant now. 

It's 8:50 when he decides he can't take it anymore. Castiel's snoring next to him, and Dean knows he likes to sleep for a long time, but they went to bed kinda early so maybe he won't be mad. 

'Alpha?' he asks and has to clear his throat so it doesn't come out so raspy. 'Alpha?'

He holds out a hand and kind of pats Castiel's shoulder. The alpha grumbles in protest, still asleep and turns around. His arm slides down Dean's body and lands on the bed with a hollow thud.

'Alpha, please wake up,' insists Dean, shaking his shoulder more forcefully, now. He hears a grunt and then Castiel's head turns to him, his eyes squinted and not-quite-there.

'Dean?' he mumbles. It takes a moment but understanding and worry make his eyes light up and he seems more alert all of a sudden. 'Are you okay?'

'I'm fine,' Dean claims. 'I just wanted to ask if I can go use the bathroom. I won't pass out or anything.'

'Oh, yes, of course,' Castiel says. 'You're sure you don't want me to come with? It's no problem.'

'I'll be okay,' promises Dean with a small smile. Castiel nods and lets his head fall back on the pillow. 

Dean takes a long shower and the warm water makes him more awake. He wonders if the trip to the shop will work out. Castiel said he's gonna buy him clothes, but there were none in the small supermarket near the house. Maybe they'll go somewhere else? Dean kinda hopes so, he wishes he could see more of the city. It looks like it's going to rain, though, so probably not. The sky is grey and it makes everything look depressing. 

When he comes back, dressed in his overshirt and jeans - ready to go in case Castiel wants to leave straight away - the alpha is sitting on the edge of the bed, scrolling through his phone. 

'Good morning,' is what he says when he sees Dean. He attempts a smile. 'Would you like some coffee? I need it to fully wake up, as you might've noticed.'

'I can make it for us,' Dean offers. 'I feel fine.'

Castiel watches him for a moment, but relents. 

'That would be nice of you,' he says, rubbing his forehead. 'I'll get ready and join you.'

Dean nods and goes downstairs. The living room and the kitchen look dark and bleak, no sun seems to be coming through today. Dean turns on the lamp in the corner as he makes his way to the coffee machine. It feels exciting to be able to make one for himself. He spends about a minute deciding between an espresso and something sweet - a latte macchiato? He doesn't usually drink things like these - definitely didn't back when he was with dad, that was Sam's-

anyway. He thinks it'll be okay if he chooses it, alpha probably won't get mad or make fun of him. So he settles on the latte, makes sure there's enough milk and presses the button. Two minutes later he sits down by the kitchen table, sipping the sweet steaming drink  
and loving it. He really missed sweets and sugar, but Castiel made him those pancakes two days in a row... the syrup was incredible. 

Alpha walks down the stairs as if Dean's thoughts beckoned him. 

'It's not a pretty day,' he states, reaching for the coffee Dean's made for him and gulping it all down despite the hotness. He sighs in contentment once he's done. 

'Yeah,' agrees Dean, turning in his seat to look outside. 'We can still go out though?'

'Of course,' Castiel smiles a little. Dean notices he's already dressed to go, as well. 'That's why they invented cars.'

Cars are more than oversized umbrellas, Dean wants to say, but he doesn't. Instead, he nods. They're gonna take the car so they won't see much of the city, but at least they'll drive. Castiel has a modern blue Toyota and while it's not the coolest car ever - seems that the alpha doesn't appreciate cars all that much - it's comfortable and alpha let him ride shotgun when they were coming back from the wedding. Dean misses driving so much.

'What do you want for breakfast, alpha?' he asks, gets up to make something, but Castiel stops him. 

'Sit down, I'll do it,' it's an order, so Dean doesn't protest. 'You made coffee, I think it's only fair I make breakfast.'

In what universe is that something alphas do? Try to be fair?

Castiel opens the fridge and frowns. 

'I think we're running low on groceries,' he says, looking through the contents. 'Do you like cereal? We have a lot of milk.'

He moves to take out the milk carton and Dean knows he has to speak up.

'We don't have any actual cereal, though, alpha,' he tells him, nervous. 'You never wrote it down on any shopping list. I'm sorry.'

'Oh,' Castiel leans against the fridge, puts the milk back. Dean worries. 'I don't know, then, some ham and cheese sandwiches? There should be just enough.'

Is he disappointed? He sounds disappointed. Dean swallows and hesitates. 

'I d-don't have to eat, alpha. You go ahead. I'm not even hungry,' he lies. Castiel turns around to him, concerned. He takes in Dean's slumped shoulders and seems to understand something. 

'Nonsense,' he objects right away. 'I should've prepared beforehand, Dean. It's not your fault.'

Right.

But an alpha admitting something was his fault? Why is everything new when it comes to Castiel?

'Tell you what,' Castiel goes on, starting to make sandwiches. Dean watches as he puts a generous amount of cheese on the first one. 'We'll make a new shopping list, together. We'll write down our favourite foods.'

'Okay?' Dean replies. 

'Okay,' in a minute, Castiel hands him the plate with two sandwiches, and he's really not holding back with the ingredients. Dean sees he even found some discarded pieces of salad in the fridge. 

'Thank you,' Dean says, biting into it. A fact now, a fact. He thinks and thinks but only one thing comes to mind, and it's as tempting as it is terrifying. 'I made myself a latte.'

The words are out before he made a conscious decision and he sits ramrod straight, trying to chew his sandwich. It tastes like cardboard. This is it. If alpha mocks him now, or gets super angry for making something different than the black coffee he's approved of, well.  
Dean will know. He'll know underneath the kindness, at least a bit of him is very much like any other alpha. And he's scared, he's so scared but he has to know. He wants to know.

But there's only a pause, and Dean doesn't look up but he thinks Castiel sounds puzzled when he says:

'That's good,' he stops for a moment, and then adds. 'It's nice that someone will finally make use of the different features. The coffee machine is quite fancy, but I only ever drink the strongest coffee it can make. Is it tasty?'

Oh. 

'Yeah, very,' Dean replies, quietly. What the hell.

Castiel clears his throat.

'Do you... prefer sweet drinks?' he asks, tentatively, and sits next to Dean with his breakfast. 'I've always heard omegas enjoy them. But then you asked for black coffee and just... you know you can drink or eat whatever you want, right, Dean?'

'Mhm,' Dean nods, still staring into his mug. He _doesn't_ know. 'Thanks. I... I like both? Is that okay?'

'Of course,' Castiel replies, gently, and Dean thinks he knows, he thinks he knows this is not entirely about coffee flavors, he knows that this is about Dean liking things that are not meant for omegas but also liking things that are meant for them, and liking things in general. And he's okay with... all of it. 

'Well, let's prepare that list, hm?' he says, grabbing a magnetic notepad from the fridge and putting it on the table between them. 'Breakfast first. What are your favourites? Write them down, alright?' 

Dean nods and takes the pen from him. He tries super hard to make his writing neat and easy to read. He jots down his favourite thing and pushes the notepad in Castiel's direction. Alpha frowns.

'Bacon?'

'We don't have to buy it,' assures him Dean, quickly, and takes the pen, meaning to cross it out. 'It's just an idea.'

'No, no, that's great, Dean,' Castiel gives him the notepad back. 'Write more.'

'More?' whispers Dean, looking at his pitiful list. 

'Surely there must be more food that you enjoy?'

Dean's silent for a while. 

'I like everything, alpha. Bacon's just my number one.'

'Well, if you like everything, there's plenty to choose from. Just write four more for me, Dean, can you do that? There are no wrong ones.' 

Dean takes the pad with his slightly shaking fingers. For a moment he can't remember absolutely any breakfast food, but then he thinks back to eating in diners with dad. He prints the letters carefully; sausage, waffles and omelets, and then adds pancakes because the ones Castiel made were so delicious. He timidly hands the alpha the list. 

'That's perfect, thank you,' alpha smiles glancing at it, and it abates some of the pressure in Dean's chest. 'My turn then, I suppose.' 

Dean watches intently as he writes peanut butter sandwiches (shocker), eggs, cereal, Danish and regular sandwich. He also adds yoghurt and cottage cheese and a long list of different fruit and vegetables. 

'Is all of it acceptable to you?' Castiel asks. Dean nods instantly. 'Be honest with me, omega.' 

This is the first time he's called him that, Dean thinks, but it's not degrading and it's not exactly an order; it's more of a playful scold. 

'I hate broccoli,' Dean hears himself saying bluntly. 'And kale.' 

'That will not be an issue,' Castiel strikes the offending vegetables off the list. 'Anything else?'

This time, Dean really reads it through. There are some things he doesn't like, but they're not as bad as the ones he's mentioned and he thinks he can stomach them.

'No, alpha.'

'Fine,' Castiel says. 'Let's move on to dinner.'

They're done with the list twenty minutes later; Dean's coffee and sandwiches are gone, and he's really ready to go. He doesn't know what's the point of writing it all down. He'd eat anything Castiel would've given him anyway. This is the first time in years he's not going hungry, and the food choices are so diverse. 

Alpha wants to feed him stuff that he likes, that's all. That's the mystery. The thought is hysterical, it's really fucking funny and Dean has to stifle a laugh that threatens to leave his mouth. He doesn't know why he wants to laugh. He doesn't know.

'Did you sleep well?' asks Castiel, moving to pick up the plates. Right, cause that's a thing he does, too. 

'Yes,' replies Dean without fail. 

'I did, too,' Castiel smiles at him, relaxed. He smells calm and content almost the entire morning. 'I'm very glad that you let me hold you. I enjoy that quite a lot.'

'Me too,' Dean returns a smile of his own, feeling a beginning of a blush creeping up his cheeks.

'Do you want to leave now? We might be on time before the Sunday crowd.'

Dean's enthusiastic response seems to convince Castiel, and they both go to put on their shoes and coats. Alpha makes sure Dean's feeling fine, but Dean is, he truly is, only having to sniff from time to time. 

'Can I fasten your collar?' 

Dean looks up from his crouch where he's been tying his sneakers. Castiel stands above him, looking hesitant, with the collar in his hands.

'Of course,' agrees Dean. That'll be easier than when he has to put it on himself. He gets up and turns his back to the alpha. Castiel gently puts the collar around his neck and secures it. His fingers slide underneath to check if it's not too tight.

'It's okay, alpha,' Dean tells him. It's not choking him and he can swallow without any problems. It's such an upgrade from the ones he wore before...

'I wish you didn't have to wear it at all.'

The words shock Dean and he tenses, rooted to the spot. Alpha smells sad for the brief moment when he passes by, goes to get his wallet from where he's left it in the kitchen, and Dean shoves the panic and fear down, down, down and tries so hard not to leave any trace of it in his scent. 

Should he offer to take it off? Is this a test?

He wants to _cry_. He knew it was too good to be true, Jesus. He knew. Why was he so dumb to even try and hope? Yes, Castiel was different and kinda weird but he was an alpha and there was always something bad about alphas in the end. 

Still, his heart just shatters.

There aren't many rules meant to help omegas. In reality, Dean can only think of two. First, alphas aren't allowed to damage his face. The rest of the body is fine, how convenient - but since omegas change owners pretty frequently, they need to look somewhat presentable. Alphas can't also kill them. Bad for business, Dean suspects, or a way to ensure that omega population won't just cease to exist. The second rule is that if an omega wears a collar, they can't be assaulted by anyone they don't belong to.

And Castiel wants him to take it off.

It's the only thing that made him feel safe when he was outside - he knew he could get a slap here and there, sometimes someone would grab or fondle him if no one else would see - but as long as he kept away from the deserted alleys and empty parking lots, he was protected. 

It's strange, alpha seemed to care about Dean so much up until now, about him feeling fine and comfortable, so why would he be okay with him going outside looking like a giant invitation for a free fuck?

Dean doesn't know, he doesn't understand but it doesn't matter, cause the only thing he can think about is the prospect of taking it off. His heart's racing and he still can't move. 

Why did he even order it if he wanted Dean to take it off? He probably just changed his mind. Probably after Dean told him, oh so wisely, that he likes someone filling him up. Castiel must think it'd do him well to get whored out.

But he... Dean _believed_ him. Dean believed he really understood him. He feels so betrayed. He remembers alpha like he was yesterday, so attentive and kind, leaning forward and listening to every word he said. And then kissing him so softly when he was inside him. 

'Dean? What's wrong?!'

He doesn't realize he's started crying until Castiel is up in his face, his hands wiping the tears off of his cheeks. 

'What's going on? What happened?'

Castiel's frantic questions only scare him more and he flinches away, takes a step back, drops his eyes to his feet. That's what good omegas do.

'It's nothing. Allergies,' he lies, wiping his nose with his sleeve. 'Sorry, we can go.'

'You don't have any allergies,' counters Castiel and when Dean looks up, he sees his wide worried eyes. 'I've read your file.'

Fuck.

'Then I must've just started, now, I don't know,' Dean continues weakly. 'I'm fine, I swear. Can we please go?'

'I knew it was a bad idea, I told Charlie it was too early,' laments Castiel, taking off his trench coat. 'We're staying. I didn't mean to stress you out, I thought you wanted to-'

'I do, please please I do,' Dean surges forward and grabs Castiel's hand. It seems to catch both of them by surprise. Dean lets go. 'I'm sorry. I really wanna go.'

'Then why are you scared?'

'I'm not. I'll take off the collar. Can we please go if I take it off?' 

His fingers go to the buckle in the back but they're shaking so much, he can't unclasp the damn thing. Castiel grabs his arms and stops him. 

'Why on Earth would you want to take it off?' he asks, incredulous. 'That's dangerous!'

Dean freezes and stares at him. He forgets the rules, forgets he shouldn't glare at his alpha and definitely shouldn't speak the way he does when he opens his mouth.

'Can you please decide? You just said you wanted me to take it off! What kind of game is th-is...'

He slouches when his voice breaks miserably and his hands wrap around his middle, protecting his stomach. Closes his eyes as alpha gets closer. He regrets the sandwich he just ate, regrets the coffee, why did he even believe it was real, he should've known better-

'Listen to me.'

That's an order, alright. His eyes snap open. Castiel's angry, he's _angry_.

_I'm sorry_ he tries to say but instead, something like an aborted sob comes out. He's not crying anymore, he's sure, he doesn't want to cry, he doesn't want to be scared...

'I said I wish you didn't have to wear the collar. That's what I said, Dean. I said it because I hate the way omegas are treated and I hate that you have to be collared like an animal so that no one has the right to sexually assault you!'

Dean's trembling so hard, he thinks he can hear his teeth chatter.

'What did I tell you?'

Dean doesn't know. Castiel's told him so many things. 

'I don't know, please,' he manages to whisper, this time. Castiel looks really mad, his blue eyes on fire, his face twisted. Dean looks away and as the alpha takes a step forward, Dean covers his face with one arm. 

This is where the punch comes, he thinks. Just like with Alastair. Same old, same old. 

But somehow, the anticipation hurts more this time around.

'I told you to ask questions. I told you to ask anything if you don't understand,' Castiel berates him and Dean feels so small and worthless. 'I can't have you risk your health for me because you think you're pleasing me when you cannot understand a thing I say!'

'Please don't hurt me,' Dean begs though he knows it never changes anything. He just can't take it anymore, can Castiel just knock him out already? He knows it's gonna happen but he can't help his last ditch effort to shield himself.

'Dean I will _never_ hurt you,' Castiel sounds devastated. 'That's the whole point, God, why won't you just _listen_?!'

His voice breaks, too, and Dean lowers his arm and glances at him. He looks distraught and frustrated, but his face is still open and earnest. 

'You won't hit me,' Dean checks, still not believing it. 

'Never,' Castiel shakes his head solemnly. 

Dean swallows with difficulty and lets his arm drop down, but stays tense.

'I thought - I,' he tries to get the words out. 'I thought you said you wanted me to take it off.'

'No,' Castiel assures him. 'I just mentioned, Dean, it was just a thing I mentioned, I said that I wish we could go out without it. What I meant was that I wish we could live in a world where you wouldn't have to wear it. Where you would be treated better. The way you deserve.'

That's too much and Dean can't understand it, he just can't.

'So...' he concludes, uncertainly. 'Collar stays on?'

He thinks it's the wrong thing to say, again, because Castiel's face only crumples more. 

'Yes, Dean. Whenever we go out, or you go out, the collar stays on.'

'I'm sorry, I just don't get it,' Dean says in despair. 'I'm trying to make you happy, I'm trying so hard but no matter what I do, it's always wrong!'

It's been weighing on him for a month now, the inability to please his alpha like he was supposed to - it was what his entire existence relied on, so he _had_ to know how. But with Castiel, there was no telling.

'You're making me happy when you listen to me and take care of yourself,' Castiel says and Dean scoffs, not minding the consequences. More of the same bullshit, rules he can't follow or understand. 

'We need to have a talk,' Castiel decides. 

'We're having a talk right now. We have talks all the time, and nothing changes! Just tell me what to do. Tell me to suck you off, or to put the collar on or to take it off, or to eat some leftovers, don't ask me what I like! It doesn't matter what I like!'

He knows he's yelling but he can't stop. He takes big gulps of air and he's shaking with more than fear now, maybe rage? But the concept is so alien, he doesn't think he could ever be mad at his alpha. Especially not this one. 

But his reaction seems to calm Castiel down instead of riling him up. Some understanding dawns on his face and he gestures to the table in the living room. 

'Let's sit. Come on, let's sit.'

'I wanna go out,' Dean whines, petulant like a kid, even as he walks towards the chair. He's never talked to an alpha like that. Maybe his first months with Alastair, maybe. Twenty years ago.

'We will. But first. I'm not mad at you, Dean, alright? I'm mad because I can't get through to you.' 

'I listen to you all the time,' Dean replies, sitting down. 

'I know you listen, but do you actually hear what I'm saying?' Castiel takes a seat opposite of him. Dean's grateful for the distance, this time. 'I don't expect you to trust me on such short notice. Perhaps you'll never trust me, and while it would sadden me, I could accept that. I am aware there are some things that cannot just be communicated with words. You need time to believe me that I will not hurt you, as I know you've been severely abused in the past.'

Dean feels his face get hot and he looks away. 

'But one thing I will not tolerate, is you putting yourself in danger because of miscommunication,' Castiel firmly declares. 'That is one rule you have to follow. You may not believe me when I say that all I want is for you to be comfortable and happy, but it's the truth.'

He stares at Dean but Dean doesn't look back, he keeps watching the floor. He thinks Castiel waits for some kind of reaction, but he has none. 

'Do you understand?'

'Yes, alpha,' Dean replies dully. 'No putting myself in danger. Got it.'

'That means no taking off the collar when you go outside. No hiding when you're sick or feel bad. Telling me when something happens.'

'Yes, alpha.'

Castiel sighs and he smells so fucking sad, Dean almost caves and just tells him everything. Tells him how scared he is and that when he thinks about it, he kinda knows it wouldn't make sense to have him take off the collar, but. Alpha can't understand just how different him and his expectations are. How unused Dean is to them. 

'I didn't mean to yell, my apologies,' Castiel finally breaks the silence. Dean flicks his gaze to him. 'I lost my temper. I hate that I frightened you. It just scared me, to think that you would let yourself get hurt because you thought it was something I could have intended.'

Dean doesn't know what to think of this. An apology. Castiel supposedly being mad because Dean thought he wanted to hurt him. That's like... the opposite of what alphas get mad about. Alphas like it when Dean thinks they're going to lay into him. 

'I won't take the collar off,' Dean promises, not sure what's expected of him. 

'Good,' Castiel tries to smile, but it comes out as a grimace. 'Can I just ask why didn't you ask me about it? Obviously it made you confused.'

Dean shrugs. 

'I kinda panicked,' he murmurs. That's it, that's just what happened. He couldn't even think clearly. He didn't even remember he could ask. 

'Please go on?'

Dean shrugs again, wraps his coat tighter around himself. 

'You gave me an order. Or so I thought. But I wasn't sure, and I didn't wanna do it, but I knew I should've, so I just...'

He shrugs for the third time, fidgets in his seat. God, he just wants to leave. He's so tired of talking. 

'Next time, please just ask me,' Castiel says earnestly. 'I know it might be hard to remember, sometimes. You can say something else, then, if you're overwhelmed, alright?'

'Like what?'

'Like...' Castiel's eyes wander around the room as he considers it. 'You don't have to ask. You can just say you don't understand. Or that you need help. You don't have to elaborate. I'll walk you through the rest of it. So just ask for help or tell me you don't get something. I'll never get mad or irritated. It'll be like...' he searches for the right word. 'Like a safeword.'

Dean frowns, his eyebrows knitting together. 

'What's a safeword?'

'Oh,' Castiel gets red all of a sudden and Dean doesn't understand, it was him who brought it up? 'I - I thought you were familiar with BDSM practices. It said so in your file.'

'Like, cuffs and flogging and bloodplay?' Dean's surprised that they mentioned it in the file. He wonders how they knew and then realizes Alastair must've filled it out everytime they gave him that clipboard on the check-ups. He feels humiliated when he thinks that he wrote down everything they did and someone else - alpha Castiel - read that.

'Like that,' Castiel agrees weakly. 

'Yeah, I've done that. And some other stuff too. But... I ain't ever heard of a 'safeword'.'

Castiel's scent gets even more depressing. Dean wants to go.

'It's a word that you say when you want everything to stop,' alpha explains. 'And that's what's gonna happen if you tell me that you don't understand, or that you need help. I'll stop whatever I do and I'll tell you, and it's never gonna be a bad thing, ever. Alright?'

'Okay,' Dean nods. A word that stops everything? Like also during sex? Dean doesn't think Alastair would honor that. 

'But what you told me, before - that you don't know how to please me,' Castiel looks uncomfortable as he says that. 'You do know. You follow everything I ask of you. You asked me in the morning, before leaving the bed, because you remembered I didn't want you to leave on your own. You let me make you breakfast and you made a list of the food you like, even though it wasn't easy for you.' Writing down a stupid list should be easy for him, though, and he feels like a failure. He knows he can't do so many normal things he used to do before - like make his alpha come - but with Castiel, he wants to impress him, yet it seems he's lost his ability to be a functioning omega. 

'All of this has pleased me greatly,' alpha continues. 'And you don't have to understand all of my orders. I said I wanted to know what makes you happy, and that's just what I want you to do. It's as simple as that.'

And Dean _gets_ it. For the first time, maybe, he gets it, and he's so relieved. 

He used to fulfill whatever wishes alphas had without thought, because that's just what he's supposed to do. Sometimes alphas don't make sense, or he's just too dumb to get it. He didn't question that. He only started questioning Castiel and his requests because they made him feel better, and that scared him, that was so new. But Castiel's right, it's not Dean's job to figure it out. It's his job to do whatever alpha wants him to do, and it makes him nervous cause he keeps expecting that if he benefits from it, it's gonna be a trap, but. Alpha's told him countless times now that all he has to do is follow orders. So he's gonna, and not even without question - his alpha is kind enough to leave him a way out, to use that 'safeword' or whatever it is, to make sure what is he really supposed to do.

Alright. He just has to stop overthinking it, and it should be fine. 

Besides, alpha's happy with him. He really is, he's said it so many times, not only now, and Dean has to believe it.

'Can we please go?' he asks. 'I'll follow everything you say. Will ask if I don't get it, and will keep the collar on.'

Castiel sighs. 

'Yes, of course,' he sounds resigned, but he grabs his wallet and goes to the door. Dean gets up and goes after, waits as alpha puts on his trenchcoat and they leave.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i didn't mean for just their morning to take up this much space - had a different idea altogether, but i started writing and this just happened, which is what always happens when i write. dont know why i bother making any plans. either way, they do make it outside, finally, in the next chapter. its just all getting unreasonably long but i cant help it. maybe some of you will enjoy it haha. cas & dean work on their communication skills, once again.
> 
> im back to my ~more frequent~ schedule so you shouldn't have to wait that long, this time! some break was a good idea though, writing is so much easier now.
> 
> as always, thank you so much for reading and commenting! let me know what you think! :)


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> timeline: same day as previous chapter (05/01).

For the first time in days, Dean's outside and he immediately welcomes the rain and the cold wind. It feels like he can breathe more deeply, feels so fresh.

'We should check if our neighbour needs some groceries delivered,' says Castiel and unlocks his car. 'Please wait inside, I'll come back shortly. I don't want you to get sick again.'

Dean nods and opens the passenger door, gets inside. He didn't ask if he can sit there, but alpha's already striding over to the next house. From the warm interior, Dean can see through the windshield how Mrs. Miller opens the door and greets him, and they talk for a moment. Castiel gestures towards the car and their neighbour actually waves. Dean frowns, there's no one on the street? But then, he thinks... maybe it was... at him? He hesitantly raises his hand and gives a small wave, feeling stupid, but Mrs. Miller brightens up. Yeah, she was definitely saying hi. 

It's surprising, but it warms his heart. In no time alpha's back, opens the door and gets inside.

'Is it okay if I sit here?' asks Dean anxiously, right away.

'Yes,' Castiel assures him. He starts the engine and pulls away. 'She says she's very happy you're doing better. Doesn't need anything from the shop.'

Dean nods.

The radio plays some pop songs, but it's turned down and acts as background noise. Dean admires the streets they slowly pass by, even though he can't see that much due to the rain. They're going downhill and some of the city uncovers in front of him; it's a beautiful sight. He loves taking that road to the shop.

Castiel must notice him enjoying the view so much, with the way he leans forward and looks out the window. 

'Would you like to see more of the city? We can take the long way there,' he offers. 

'Yes please,' replies Dean, hopeful. 

They drive through the crowded streets and the empty streets, surrounded by skyscrapers inside which there are hundreds of offices and apartments; smaller, two or three story buildings; blocks of family houses; a couple of parks, one of them with a huge fountain and a sculpture of someone Dean doesn't recognize. They see shops and restaurants and gas stations, and bookstores and cinemas, and schools and churches. There aren't many people on the streets, not in this weather. 

'This is the Zero-One Quarter, as some like to call it,' announces Castiel when they drive through a district of the city that seems to comprise solely of modern glass buildings, in many shapes and forms, but mostly towering over the other houses outside of the 'quarter'.  
'This is where I, and many other programmers, work.'

'Which building?' asks Dean. He realizes he's practically plastered to the window and extracts himself from it, embarrassed. 

'This one,' Castiel points. It looks immense and intimidating. 'I usually work on the tenth floor.'

'That's so high!' exclaims Dean without thinking. He can't imagine spending every day of his work so high up; a shudder goes through his body as he stares up the building, trying to count the floors. 

'I'm accustomed to it,' Castiel shrugs and they leave that part of the city behind them. 'It's not that high up, considering how tall the buildings are.'

Yeah, he's right, but still. Alpha Castiel must be super smart to have his own office in a place like that. It looks very... important. 

They finally get to the shop and it's one Dean's never seen before. He thinks it's going to be okay as they park on the underground parking lot, but then they step inside, and holy shit is it huge. It's a shopping center, it turns out, and Dean's _never_ been to one. 

There's so many shops and people, and the bustle and noise are more than Dean's used to, especially after his quiet weeks in the house. They live in a relatively calm neighbourhood, and Dean's never wandered downtown, so it comes as a bit of a shock. There's music on the speakers, every shop's window seems to want to try obliterating their competition by being as bright and colorful as possible, and people talk so loudly. 

As soon as they join the crowd, Dean notices the looks they send his way. The alphas and betas know that he's an omega - they can see the collar and smell him as they get closer - and they size him up as they pass by. He sees some omegas with their owners from time to time, but none of them are naked, thank god. Some are on tight leashes, and some have bruises, but he also sees some that look relaxed. 

As another beta goes past them, checks him out - it's not that it's hostile, but being ogled like that usually brings back bad memories - Dean seeks Castiel's hand and grips it for dear life, half-hiding behind him. 

'Dean? Are you alright?' Castiel immediately frowns. 

'Yes. Please can I hold your hand?' it comes out urgent, but Dean's too unnerved to care. 

'Of course,' Castiel laces their fingers together, more tightly. 'We're almost there. I picked one of the clothing shops I usually frequent, we can see if there's anything promising there.'

'Okay,' Dean agrees nervously, his eyes darting around the place. It's so big. He's seen a lot of those being built as he got older, more and more emerging, but it was when he was already with Alastair, and they never went shopping together, not to places like this one. Walmart was their usual spot, and it was Dean's job to go there 99% of the time.

They enter a shop with a lot of male clothes displayed out front. Try out for the omega section, and Castiel pulls out his phone, has Dean's measurements saved there. Dean's oddly touched. 

They look through the clothes, the task proving to be more daunting than they both expected; alpha gets more and more impatient as he discovers the sequined shirts and pants without the crotch. Dean manages to find two regular plaid shirts that look fine and a pair of black jeans. They're torn on the knees to show some skin, like most omega clothes, but he thinks he could pull them off.

'Great,' Castiel sighs. 'These will do, you'll try them on in a second. Dean...'

He trails off and looks reluctant. 

'Would you be opposed to us moving to the alpha section? Or beta? Your size is quite big -' Dean flushes, he damn well knows, '- not that it's anything bad, but maybe there would be more appropriate clothing over there.'

'I can wear alpha clothes?' Dean asks, frowning hard, once the idea behind the jumbled offer gets to him. 

'Yes,' replies Castiel. 'But only if it won't make you uncomfortable. I don't know if you'd like to do that, as an omega.'

'I definitely would,' Dean confirms enthusiastically. 'Alpha clothes fit me, and they're normal, not as sparkly as this-' _shit_ , he means to finish, but doesn't. He already runs his mouth too much. 

'Good,' Castiel leads them to the alpha section and they can pick practical, sturdy clothes - some more t-shirts in different colors, more plaid and some other overshirts, a hoodie and a sweater, one more pair of jeans. 'Does this mean you used to wear alpha clothes  
before?'

The question catches Dean by surprise as he's already forgotten about the topic.

'Yes,' he responds hesitantly. 'When I was a kid. Before I was... owned.' 

Castiel nods but doesn't press for any more information, and Dean quietly sighs in relief. 

They go to the changing stalls which are spacious, and that's a blessing because as Dean attempts to pull the curtain, Castiel comes inside. 

'I have to be present for this,' he explains, covering the exit. 'I wouldn't have left you alone for that part, it's not safe on your own here, even with the collar.'

And it really isn't, Dean thinks, looking at the various stains adorning the carpet. But he also feels ridiculously shy when he starts taking off his clothes, and he can see alpha's intense stare reflected in the mirror in front of him. Alpha doesn't turn around for privacy, and Dean's not going to request that. He folds everything like he's been taught in the past, because clothes are good and he appreciates them so much. He stays in his boxers and socks and puts on the items, one by one.

They have to let go of some things that are too big or too small, but overall it's still a good haul. Dean's never had so many clothes, ever, and he even likes the torn black jeans not only cause they're warm and comfortable and don't show his junk, but also because he likes the way he looks in them. Not like a pet to be lusted after and not like a beaten up old omega that he is. He looks... regular, and cool. 

He looks like the person he used to be, a little bit. 

When the cashier rings it up, the price is really high by Dean's standards. Castiel just offers a credit card, but Dean knows he stinks of distress from the way alpha glances at him, concerned. They leave the shop, and Dean gets to hold the bag full of clothes for him. 

'What's going on?' asks Castiel quietly, stopping him by the wall. People pass by, paying them no mind. 

'Nothing, it's just... lotta money,' Dean shrugs awkwardly. 'Are you sure I'm worth it?'

That's stupid. What is he trying to do, make alpha return everything he's just bought him? Maybe make him strip for good measure? But he's kind of worried, because that _is_ a lot of money. And again, he should just follow alpha's lead, but alpha did say he can ask. 

'This is not about how much you're worth, Dean. Human worth can't be expressed in money,' Castiel tells him, kindly, his entire attention on the omega. Dean drops his eyes to the ground. 'This is about me wanting to buy you things that you need and like, and you telling me what you want to get. Don't worry about money. Programming jobs pay well, and I've had no one to spend it on for so many years. I've gathered a lot.'

Okay. So the clothes stay. Something inside Dean uncurls with relief.

'Thank you,' he says, wholeheartedly. 'I really like these clothes,' it doesn't sound like a fact good enough, so he continues: 'I've never been to a place like this. I've seen them from the outside, they just look so huge.'

He doesn't mean to sound whiny, but he thinks it does come out this way a little, because Castiel looks around, alarmed, as if he only noticed the surroundings now.

'We can go somewhere else, if you want to.'

'No, no, it's fine,' and by now, it really is. Alpha keeps him safe, like he's promised. Doesn't leave him alone and doesn't get mad when he says things, and lets him hold his hand. 

'Well, let's check out the hardware store, then,' Castiel takes his hand as if he can read his mind, and they go. On the way there, Dean sees something that draws his attention big time. He slows down to stare at the display of one of the home decor stores. There's a big  
bed covered with a large brown blanket. The blanket has a pattern on it and it's straight from a western - it's got some faded horses and cowboy hats and boots, and sheriff stars, and cacti. Best of all, it's not for kids - the design is artistic enough to pass as a regular kind of blanket someone would leave in their living room, someone who doesn't have any idea about the identity of one Gary Cooper or John Wayne. 

It's really awesome. 

Castiel notices the change in his steps and turns to look at him, then follows his gaze.

'We could go there too, good idea,' he praises Dean, even though he's said nothing, and tugs at his hand when he goes to enter the store. Dean ducks his head, a pleased flush coloring his cheeks, alpha complimented him! And they're really going there, just cause something caught Dean's eye.

'I think we could get you some more pillows,' states Castiel, looking around the store. 'Go, see if there's anything pretty out there. I'll meet you in the middle.'

Castiel can see him well in the open space of the shop, so Dean's not scared to go on his own. He explores the different bedding patterns but what really fascinates him is _the_ blanket, so he gravitates towards the entire native-americans-meet-cowboys display. He glances around but no one's watching him; the young omega next to him is engrossed in picking out matching yellow cushions. So, he touches the blanket. It's so soft and he loves that, and it's not only the coolest pattern he's laid his eyes on, but it's solid. It's warm and thick and he thinks it would feel so good to wrap it around himself.

But then, he sees the price tag, and it's more than alpha paid for _all_ of his clothes. Jesus, who has this much money to spend on stuff like that?

Dean's kinda sad, but then again, he didn't really expect to buy it. He just wanted to look at it for a moment longer. And the whole obsession with soft stuff - he doesn't understand what's going on. He's never been like that before, and yes, he always enjoyed laying down in the covers and having a pillow or two, but that was just normal human comfort, wasn't it? Except Alastair made him sleep on the floor a lot, and then the bed was scant, there wasn't a mountain of pillows and blankets like at Castiel's. Maybe he just got used to the extra luxury, got spoiled. 

He's still frowning when alpha catches up to him, holding a couple of pillows. 

'Do you like it?' he asks curiously and Dean flinches, losing his train of thought. 

'It's nice,' Dean admits, because he'd be a dumbass to lie about that, alpha surely knows by now. 'But I didn't find any pillows.'

Castiel gives the blanket a long look, and Dean hurriedly steps away, towards another display. He doesn't want to make this uncomfortable or to hear that he's being greedy. He's not, he's not. He would never ask for something like that. 

'Well, I have some,' Castiel replies slowly, focusing back on Dean. He holds up the pillows and they pick out two dark green ones. Castiel says they'll go nicely with the wall color in the bedroom, Dean thinks that they won't stain so much if he gets slick on them.

The hardware store is next up. Dean doesn't know what they're looking for here, but he quickly forgets about it cause there's a lot of interesting stuff, anyway. He examines the different phones, tablets and laptops. He's seen it in real life, of course, or on TV, but... the isolation did its part. He doesn't have much idea about electronics nowadays; when he joined Alastair, he had a Nokia which was taken away promptly. Its most exciting feature was the snake game, and now phones are like mini computers. Well, computers are kind of confusing too. They look nothing like the ones Dean remembers using and he's lost when he has to browse the Internet on the new ones. 

And the TVs... he truly appreciates how those have changed. 

They reach the end of the store and he sees what they've probably come here for - whole rows of CDs and vinyl. He feels a surge of excitement. 

'Can I go look? Please?' he asks Castiel, feeling like an overgrown child in a candy store. 

'Of course, that's why I brought you here,' smiles Castiel, and he looks really happy to see Dean's enthusiasm. 

Dean almost runs to the CDs. There's so many bands but he quickly finds the classic rock section, and picks up case by case, knowing them all by the cover. 

Then, he sees one that floors him. The red car and the headlights. The camper and the beer. Eliminator.

Sam got it for him when he finished his first year of high school. Dean supposed he should've given him something, instead, but the gift-giving tradition was no tradition at all, and he couldn't figure out what prompted Sam's that evening. That was, until he said what he said.

Dad was gone, it was late, and Dean smuggled some Corona from the gas station couple blocks away. They climbed up on the roof of the camper they were living in at that time, to lay down under the stars. It was warm and they could see the cornfields, spanning from the edge of the camping lot all the way to the horizon. It was calm and peaceful, crickets chirping loudly even over the riffs of Gibbons' guitar, coming from the beat up radio dad took everywhere like a fourth passenger. Nothing to indicate that Dean's life was going down into the gutter in just a couple of months.

Dean made Sam watch The Children of the Corn one evening, on the tiny shitty TV set they had inside, and he knew it freaked him out. Even now, he made a point to sit further away from the fields. Dean smirked, opening his first beer. Sam may have hit his growth spurt, but he was still a kid, and some evenings it was just easier to remember about that.

'I feel like this is _finally_ the time to make my own choices, you know?' Sam was saying excitedly, stretching his long legs. His torn up sneakers were sticking out over the curve of the roof, laces dangling in the air. Sure, when you're sixteen you think you know it at all, Dean thought, but not without fondness. It's not like he didn't feel that way most of the time, too. It was good to see Sam so hopeful and happy. 'Miss Delaney said that my paper was amazing, Dean, she said it was very mature!' 

'Mature, huh. So that's how you're starting your adulthood, Sammy?' he asked, handing his brother the bottle. 'Underage drinking, stolen CDs, what's next?' 

'Getting to Stanford,' Sam replied, and Dean just rolled his eyes. That stupid dream of Sam's was bugging him more than he was willing to admit. He seemed to mention it more and more recently, every time they were alone. 

They laid on the smooth metal surface, drinking, looking at the sky, listening to the album. Whole future ahead of them. It wasn't until the 4th song when Sam opened his mouth and said those words. 

tomorrow, i'm gettin' outta here, and it was like the radio broke, playing the same sentence on a loop, i know what i'm needin', i know what i'm needin', i know what i need and it's you by my side, sam, but i'm gettin' outta here, he said, and i want you to come too.

'Where the fuck are you gonna go,' said Dean, pissed off and disbelieving. It wasn't even a question, it was a statement. The real meaning was behind it - you can't leave. You can't leave _me_. 

'Aunt Ellen. She said she doesn't mind if we don't cause trouble.'

Aunt Ellen wasn't their real aunt, just an old friend of dad's, and they'd see her on occasion, but that was all...

'You already asked her?!' Dean sat up, beer sloshing in the bottle and almost spilling. 

'Yeah, Dean, I did,' Sam sat up as well, turned around to face him, determined. 'And she said it would be fine. She said we can come over anytime, and that her and uncle Bill are gonna take care of us until I finish school.'

Dean was reeling from what he'd heard; all this talk about Stanford, and suddenly it was all too real, because holy hell - Sam had _planned_ it. Worse, he'd already set that plan into motion. 

'Does dad know?'

Sam blanched. 

'No! Dean, he can't-'

'Good,' Dean put the bottle down, meaning to leave. 'You're gonna call the whole thing off, and he's never gonna find out.'

'I'm not!' Sam yelled and it startled Dean, the fury and desperation in it. 'I can't live here any longer Dean!'

'We're a _team_ , Sam!' Dean yelled back. 'You, me, dad, it's all we have! You can't just up and leave when you feel like it!'

'It's not about how I feel, Dean, it's about what he does to us,' Sam said, fire in his eyes as well as in his voice. 'Drags us across the country, makes us live in dumps and survive on scraps cause he's chasing his imaginary killer. He's obsessed, and he's dragging you down  
with him! You need a proper alpha, not-'

'Shut up!' Dean threw the bottle somewhere far and heard it crash distantly on the ground. 'You don't know what you're talking about. He takes good care of us. He's trying-'

'He keeps you on a short leash, that's what he does,' spat out Sam. 'Tells you you'll never have it any better anywhere else than with him, but he's wrong. He's just using you! They teach us about it in school, you know? You _need_ an alpha, a constant place to live in, this is _not_ it!'

'You're just a kid, Sam, you don't know the first thing about omegas,' Dean had had enough, back then, and got up, walked towards the ladder. There went their celebration, their fucking perfect evening. The song was still playing, and it was driving him crazy, that and the whole lecture about alphas, as if Sam knew anything about it. The cheap leather collar dad gave him seemed so tight back then, he still remembers the feeling, and he remembers Sam like it happened yesterday, when he said:

'Well, I'm going. I'm not gonna live like this anymore. I'm gonna go to Stanford and become a lawyer,' he stopped for a moment, back then, and it was a pause where Dean could have said something, and he knows now that if he did, it would've changed everything. 

'Please come with me, Dean.'

The plea was soft, and maybe Sam was a little drunk, but Dean didn't think so. He swallowed, on the edge of the ladder, not looking at Sam but at the cornfields. There was a bitter taste in his mouth that had nothing to do with beer, and he was sure it was in his scent,  
too, when he said:

'Fuck you,' and climbed down, leaving Sam alone. Sam brought the CD back, later that evening, but he didn't change his mind. Didn't even speak to Dean, all high-and-mighty sixteen year old who had made his own decisions, and Dean threw the stupid album in the trash, knowing Sam was gonna see and that it was gonna hurt him. If he knew what was gonna happen... if he knew what he does now, he'd never have done that.

'Dean?' 

The soft-spoken question tears him out of those memories and he looks up from the CD that he's gripping so firmly, his knuckles went white. He meets a pair of concerned blue eyes and goes back to the present.

'Sorry, I didn't hear you,' he says meekly. 

'I just asked, is it something that you like?' Castiel asks, nodding towards the album. 

Good question, Dean thinks. He turns it around, looks at the back. Song number 4 is still the same, and it's such a grounding proof that it was real - all of it, the cornfield and him and Sam - that he thinks he should feel horrible, but he doesn't. He's blocked so many of his memories for so long, but it seems that when he can unwind a little with Castiel, a lot of it comes back. And he feels relief. He feels that the things, the memories that used to make up the person he was, the Dean Winchester he used to know - well, they really happened. Sometimes, when he'd lay in the dark next to Alastair, mindful of his every move not to rouse him and get another beating, he'd doubt if anything about him was real. Or during the long solitary days in the house, when he'd stare into the boiling pot or at the grey walls or the carpet he was vacuuming, he'd feel like maybe he'd imagined dad and Sam and his entire life before that. 

'Yeah,' he decides. 'I like it.'

'I haven't listened to a,' Castiel squints looking at the letters. 'ZZ Top before, but if you want to, let's purchase it. I have a radio at home, we can bring it to the kitchen and you can listen to it whenever you like.'

'Okay,' Dean agrees, not-really-consciously hugging the album to his chest. 'That sounds awesome.'

'Let's pick some more. I see you're interested in classic rock?'

Dean nods. 

'I don't know much about it, but I'd be happy to listen to whatever you think is good,' Castiel sends him a gentle smile, and Dean remembers what Sam said, _you need a proper alpha_. Think maybe, maybe I finally found one, Sammy, he wonders as he steps forward to show Castiel examples of the best rock n roll. 

They leave the store with two Led Zep CD's, one Black Sabbath, one ACDC, one Rolling Stones and the Eliminator. Dean feels elated when Castiel presses the bag into his hands and says with a grin:

'I have a feeling it's just the start of your collection.'

'I can really listen to it whenever I want?' Dean makes sure, his hand instantly wandering down to grip Castiel's. 

'Yes,' the alpha confirms patiently. 'Where do you want to go next? We still have to get groceries, but-'

Dean's stomach growls loudly at the mention of food and he takes a step back, mortified. Castiel doesn't let him snatch his hand away, though. 

'I'm a little hungry too, we've been walking for a while,' he says, and Dean feels like it's meant to calm him down. 'How about we sit down at some cafe and order something to gain our strength back?'

'I can keep going, I'm not super hungry or anything,' mumbles Dean, hesitantly inching closer as he realizes Castiel won't lash out. 

'Do you want to go eat?' the question is firm. 

'Yeah,' he admits, very very quietly. Alastair's never taken him to any restaurant or cafe, bars only and it was not a pleasant experience. 

Castiel leads him upstairs, to the dining area, and attempts to step into the first coffee shop he sets his eyes on. Dean halts, though, and jerks him back.

'Wait, please,' he says, looking at the sign glued on the glass door. 'They don't serve omegas here, alpha.'

'They - what?!' Castiel steps back to look at the sign. There's a stick figure on it with a huge O over their head and it's crossed out. 'But you're with me-'

'It doesn't matter,' explains Dean, shuffling his feet. 'It's - I could come in, but only to take an order for you. They wouldn't let me eat or drink there.'

Castiel looks like someone hit him across the head - a mix of dumbfounded and outraged, and Dean understands that he really didn't know such a custom existed. But how? He supposes if someone doesn't have an omega, they don't pay much attention to stuff like these...

'That's - why wouldn't they?' he asks in a weak voice, turning to look inside. They can't smell those people but they can see their collars, and Dean knows he's right - the only two omegas that are there don't have anything in front of them. They merely wait for their alphas or betas to finish, ignored. 

'I'm sorry,' Castiel says and it shocks Dean, like, apparently, almost everything the man does. 'I didn't mean to bring you to such a horrible place. I didn't - I didn't know-'

It's the first time Dean sees the alpha struggle to find words so much, and he feels sympathy.

'It's okay,' he assures him. 'It's like that in a lot of places. It's just how it is.'

'I _hate_ it,' Castiel declares, and his voice is revolted. 'I didn't know the extent of the discrimination in our society, Dean. Before you arrived into my life, I just... I did not realize how bad it was. I don't really know any omegas, not personally.' 

That's kind of weird, but not unheard of, Dean figures. It's not like omegas just run around on their own. Most of them are controlled by their alphas and even when they leave the house, they're not eager to speak to strangers. Castiel's spent most of his life at work, and omegas don't work. The only puzzling thing is his complete lack of knowledge - or maybe ignorance - when it comes to the way omegas are treated, and. That is really messed up. He sees other alphas, goes outside, he's bound to know how it works. Dean can tell he's not faking his repulsion when he finds out the hard way how it really is.

'We'll find a better place,' he says, committed, and they do. At the far end of the alley, there's a quaint cafe in all grey, with a friendly sign on the door 'All omegas welcome!'.

They go in, and the majority of the tables is occupied, mostly by omegas. Dean feels instantly safe and relaxes, but he notices that omegas tense as they see Castiel walk in. There's no other alpha in there. Dean thinks he sees two betas, obviously close with their mates.  
He can tell from their body language alone, but also from their scent as they come closer. 

If Castiel senses the shift in the air, he doesn't react. He finds them a table and sits down, handing Dean the menu. Dean sits opposite from him in the cushioned booth. This place is nice. 

'It looks like cake and coffee are their specialty,' muses Castiel, flipping through the pages.

'What about pie?' asks Dean timidly, looking at the bright photos of the food. Castiel quickly checks the rest of the menu.

'Sorry, no,' he says, sounding _really_ apologetic. 'Do you want pie? We can go look-'

'No, it's okay,' Dean assures him quickly. God, he's really behaving like a spoiled brat today. 'I like cake too, honest.' 

'Alright,' Castiel concedes. 'Pick something, then. Anything you want.'

Dean wants a piece of chocolate cake with cranberry jam and crushed nuts. It looks really fucking delicious. 

The waitress stops by their table, a pretty beta in her twenties with a nametag 'Tina'. She looks a little uncomfortable as she glances at Dean, and then focuses on Castiel. 

'Can I take your order?'

'I'll have the black forest cake, please,' Castiel says, politely. 'And the biggest cup of black coffee you have.'

'Of course,' the waitress replies, and without turning to Dean, 'And your omega? Will he be eating?'

Castiel blinks at her, speechless, his eyes going back to the sign on the door and Dean sees the moment he understands why the waitress and the omegas are wary of him. They all think he's gonna behave like most knothead alphas. 

'I think you should ask my omega,' he suggests, an edge to his voice. Dean attempts to smile at the waitress when she turns to him. 

'I'd like the chocolate cake if that's okay,' he says. The waitress is nice, she didn't do anything, and she smells nervous as she glances between him and Castiel. He thinks it must be exhausting, trying not to offend any customer alpha without knowing the dynamics  
between them and their omegas.

'Yes, all of our cakes are fresh and available,' the waitress replies, returning a smile. As a beta, she's a step - or a few - above Dean, but she doesn't treat him any worse. He gets why so many omegas are here.

'Dean, don't you want something to drink?' asks Castiel, frowning. Dean hesitates for just a second too long - he's already getting the cake, he doesn't want to spend too much. But alpha leans forward across the table, turns the pages of Dean's menu to the drinks page. 

'Maybe some tea?'

He slowly reads the options upside down, not caring that the waitress has to wait. Dean feels pressured, he hates holding her back, and both alpha's and her attention is on him now. He hates that too. 

'Can I just have some juice?' he asks, kind of panicking. He doesn't even look at the menu. They must have some juice, right? He doesn't want tea. He's not a tea person. 

'We have apple, orange, mango, pineapple, banana, spirulina,' the waitress starts listing, obviously noticing Dean's distress and trying to help him out. 'Our Energy Boost juice is a hit lately, if you want to try it.'

'Yeah, that,' Dean nods jerkily. 'Please.'

'Be back in a moment,' Tina says and goes away, behind the bar. Dean exhales slowly. Castiel's watching him. 

'It's okay that I took it, right?' he makes sure, anxious. 

'Yes, Dean,' Castiel's quick to confirm. 'I told you, you could order anything. Is it really what you wanted? I can change-'

'No, no, it's fine. I wanted it.'

It really is, the cake's gonna be great, and the juice he'll suffer through. It might even not be so bad. As long as there's no vegetables or freaking seaweeds in it. God, Dean hates the health craze. Seaweeds were meant to stay at the bottom of the sea, even the name suggests it. 

Castiel's phone makes a sound and he takes it out to read some message. Dean's bored of staring at the decor and other omegas, so he fishes out one of the CDs from the bag and stares at it, instead. He remembers the first time he saw the cover of Physical Graffiti. He reads the song list again and again, beyond himself with excitement. He's really gonna get to hear it again. He's sometimes caught it on MTV or the radio, but it wasn't really up to him. He wonders if Castiel will like the sound. He hopes so.

He looks up to see Castiel's warm gaze is on him again. The alpha's smiling and there's something on his face Dean can't name. 

'You really love this band,' Castiel guesses, nodding towards the album. 

'Yeah,' Dean admits, putting it back. 'I just... I can't wait to listen to it again. Thanks so much, alpha.'

He should come up with a fact, but doesn't have time to, because Castiel's pushing his phone towards him. 

'I was thinking we should set you up with a Spotify,' he says. 'The phone I gave you at home, for emergencies? I'll install some applications there, and we can share my accounts. That way you can listen to whatever you want, not only the ones you have on CDs.'

Dean doesn't really get it. He looks at the phone cautiously, like it's going to burst into flames. 

'I don't understand,' he says. Alpha's giving him something, he thinks, but he doesn't know what he means. Applications? That's like games on the phone? Also what does he mean by sharing an account? Does it mean paying? 

'Now, you can only listen to music on the radio, right? From your CDs,' alpha explains patiently, tapping something on his phone. A window pops up smoothly. 'This application - program, or whatever you want to call it - is like a music library online. You can listen and save whatever you want to.' 

'Oh,' Dean does understand _that_. 'Wow, cool.'

'Let's try this out, type any band you can think of in here. Can be obscure,' Castiel shows him where. Dean thinks for a moment and types Budgie. They don't have all the records and not many fans, but it's there. Castiel produces his earphones from the trenchcoat pocket and hands Dean one bud. They both put them in, like back in bed, the cord tangled on the table between them. Dean presses play on Breadfan. 

The music is loud and it's good quality, and Dean loves it. He feels a huge smile appear on his face. 

'I'll make you your own playlist so you can save anything you like there,' offers Castiel, tapping while Dean tracks every move. He remembers how to do it and it's not that complicated, now. Castiel shows him how to add the song to his list, named 'Dean's songs', and it's an official, stupid name but Dean feels so happy. No alpha has ever done something like that for him. 

'It's gonna be on the other phone, too?' he asks, almost bouncing in his seat. 

'Yes, exactly the same. Those programs save the libraries of each user in the database and pull it from there whenever a user wants to access it from any device,' he must see Dean's kind of lost look and rephrases, 'I'm sorry, I keep using the jargon. I just mean it's saved somewhere else and accessible from everywhere through this program. Did you not have a lot of contact with technology?'

Dean shrugs, as he does whenever he feels stupid. So a lot. 

'No,' he replies shortly. 'I wasn't sheltered but I... I mean, I didn't have my phone, and I can't really surf the Internet when it's unrestricted, I don't know how.'

Castiel frowns. 

'What do you mean unrestricted?' The waitress, Tina, brings their orders then. The cakes both look incredible. Dean eyes his juice. It has an orange color. At least it's not green. 

'Thank you,' Castiel says, and she leaves. 'Do you mean the omega filter?' he asks Dean. 

'Oh, yeah,' Dean replies, surprised that Castiel knows about _that_ , if he's so clueless about everything else. But then again, he works in IT. 

'It's a useless invention,' Castiel says, taking a sip of his coffee. 'It's as if you're not allowed to have any interests except for improving your society-enforced responsibilities.'

That's one way to put it. Omega filter lets him browse only the part of the Internet that's about cooking, cleaning, housekeeping tricks, gardening, pleasing the alpha and so on and so on. No access to the news, to any books, videos, even Wikipedia. Just another way to remind Dean of his purpose. It was really infuriating and took some time getting used to, just like everything when Alastair acquired him. He was a strict and harsh teacher. 

'Well, there's no omega filter at home, I turned it off,' announces Castiel. Dean jolts in his seat, no longer lost in thought. 

'What?'

'I turned it off,' repeats Castiel. 'The day you arrived, I had people at my house checking if it was on and if I had the collar and the leash. I switched it off after they left.'

Dean's never attempted to use the Internet at home, because he figured there'd be no point. Now, he reels from the information, endless possibilities coming to mind. 

'So... you don't mind if I browse it? If I browse anything?'

'Of course not,' says Castiel. 'I keep forgetting you abstained from many activities simply because you thought I wouldn't approve of them. If you think of anything else like that, please tell me.'

'Okay...' Dean takes a sip of his drink. It's actually good. He doesn't think there's any celery or anything like that in it. 

'Do you like your juice?' asks Castiel, stopping the song on the phone. He doesn't understand what kind of freedom he's just granted him. 

'Yes,' Dean replies, still shocked. What would he look for first? He doesn't know. He can catch up on the news. He could try and look for the people he used to know... but he doesn't want to. The only question he really wanted to have answered was what happened to dad,  
but he's already tried to look for that, once.

When he was at Alastair's, shortly after they got married. Alastair had sent him to the shop and he swung by a library. They let him in without any fuss, even let him use the computer, but he had to write down his name and address. He didn't think much of it, but the next day Alastair had gotten his entire search history in the mail, and boy, did he learn he wasn't allowed to do that. 

Anyway, it was pointless. He didn't find anything, no matter what he typed. Dad's fate remained unknown.

Maybe Castiel could help him find something. Maybe someday Dean would trust him enough to ask that. He's an IT expert, he probably knows ways to find info no one else can find. 

Dean puts his thoughts aside for now and tries the cake. It's amazing. Castiel's halfway through his. 

'It's really good,' he muses, and Dean nods, agreeing. 'Do you want to try mine?'

Dean frowns, and Castiel holds out his fork with a piece of cake on it. Dean feels his heart skip a beat. He looks around, but no one's watching them, at least not now. He blushes as he leans forward and closes his lips around the fork, slides the cake off of it with his teeth. His and alpha's eyes lock for a moment. Castiel hums, pleased, and returns to his coffee, not phased much, as if that wasn't intimate. Or romantic? Dean chews the cake slowly. 

'It's awesome,' he admits. 'I've never had this before, I think.' 

'We can go out more often,' Castiel says. 'I have to admit, I didn't spend a lot of time in places like these, but with your company, it's enjoyable.'

Dean drops his eyes. Castiel can't mean that. There's nothing enjoyable about him. 

'I'd like to go out a lot, too,' he replies instead. It's true. 

'Well, it's come to my attention that tomorrow's our first month anniversary,' Castiel announces, pushing away the plate. He's finished. 'Would you like to celebrate by going out to dinner?'

Dean didn't know it's been a full month. He remembers they got married on April 2nd, but has no clue what day is it today. A Sunday? Alpha's said he has to go back to work tomorrow.

'Yeah, I wanna go,' he replies. 'But you have work tomorrow, right, alpha?'

'I do,' Castiel agrees. 'But I'll be home before six. We can go then. I'll find a fitting place.'

'Okay,' Dean smiles. They finish their food and pay. Tina gets a tip, Dean notices. On their way out, the omegas don't seem so afraid of Castiel. They must've seen how he acted towards Dean. 

Dean thinks bashfully, this is my alpha. Spoils me and takes me places and listens to me. They're gonna actually _celebrate_ their wedding, as if it was something special. And Dean doesn't think it's gonna mean anything sinister, this time. He legitimately thinks it's gonna mean a normal, nice dinner. 

This alpha is clearly a saint. After the morning mishap, he didn't even try to punish him or anything. So far, he was always true to his word... They head to the grocery shop downstairs and all the way there, Dean wonders how could he get Castiel a gift tomorrow. He has no money, doesn't even know what he could buy if he did. 

He decides to think about it at home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> some of the mysterious past uncovers! really curious to hear what you take away from it, and the entire chapter, as always. thank you for the support!!! <3  
> also, budgie is a great band, just saying. me, sneaking music recs into this fic? what? (seriously, all songs mentioned are _good_ songs).


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **trigger warning: brief attempted non-con, so read at your own discretion!** nothing too graphic, but avoid if not your thing.  
> timeline: same day as 2 previous chapters (05/01).

Everything goes well at the grocery shop, at first - Castiel helps him look for the things to buy. Dean kind of expects him to just stay in the Alpha Lounge - a place with sofas, magazines and power outlets, where alphas usually relax, waiting for their omegas to finish their errands. But Castiel doesn't even spare a glance as he passes by the Longue, and goes inside the store, even carries the shopping basket. It's not that unusual - alphas who don't have omegas do go shopping - but it is unusual to see an omega and an alpha walking side by side, picking the items together, almost like equals. Dean does actually spot one person turn their head when Castiel grabs a box of pasta and asks Dean which one does he prefer. 

'I got no preference, alpha,' Dean shrugs. 

'I enjoy the texture of those tube ones,' Castiel informs him, squinting at the label. 

'Penne's okay,' Dean replies absently, looking down the aisle. They're only halfway through the list at best, but Castiel doesn't seem to rush, and he's still waiting for some opinion from him, so Dean delivers. 'I like farfalle and tagliatelle with sauce.'

When he focuses back on Castiel, he sees that the man is gaping at him with something akin to awe.

'You know Italian?' he asks, and he sounds _impressed_.

'What? No,' Dean almost laughs at the idea. 'I probably butcher it the way I say it, anyway. I got it from cooking class, alpha.'

Castiel frowns, but then apparently something clicks in his head. 

'Ah, during school, am I correct?'

Dean nods. 

'I didn't suspect your previous alpha would have arranged for you to have classes,' explains Castiel. 'But you do cook marvelously. I never wondered where you've learned that, I assumed your mother taught you. Or your father, if he was an omega-'

'No,' protests Dean, cutting him off abruptly. 'Sorry. My, uh, my mom, she wasn't - no one in my family was an omega.'

'Oh,' Castiel stares at him some more. Dean prays that he won't ask any more family questions, and he doesn't. 'Well, you must have been the best student in your cooking class.'

Dean blushes and can't help it. He feels like a schoolgirl, but for years no one's been saying nice things to him, and when Castiel does, he just feels so... flustered. 

'I was never the best student anywhere,' he admits. 'But it was okay...' he hesitates for a moment. 'Housekeeping class sucked, but cooking was cool, and the prof was low-key obsessed. With all those fancy European words, or whatever. The state test was super rigid, but  
I passed it. Didn't really have to, my dad-' he stops, what the fuck? He can't talk about that. '- but uh, I wanted to,' a wave of alertness washes over him, and he stutters, trying to change the topic quickly. 'Anyway, I know all kinds of words like these. They kinda stick.'

Castiel watches him with rapt attention, the packet of pasta in his hand forgotten. Dean drops his eyes. How much can he overshare? 

But inside, he _likes_ it. He likes talking to the alpha, because he really listens and seems to really care and hasn't hit him when Dean said anything wrong, yet. 

'That's amazing,' Castiel replies, finally. 'Languages are fascinating. I didn't realize you had so much theoretical cooking knowledge, as well.'

Dean shrugs, staring at the floor, at alpha's shiny shoes. 

He knows by now that Castiel's gotta have that pensive look on his face, and alpha slowly puts the pasta box back on the shelf, saying:

'Arrivederci, penne.'

His grave, unsure voice makes Dean look up and Castiel looks and smells kind of nervous, sends the omega an awkward smile. This is a joke. It's a joke, and the serious delivery was perfect, and Dean can't help himself and bursts into laughter. It's honest and unrestrained, and the sound of it shocks him as much as it does Castiel. He can't remember when was the last time he laughed like this. Laughed at all.

Castiel's evidently baffled, but not in a bad way; the guy really didn't expect Dean to find it funny, Dean thinks. But his face splits into a grin, and it's a very happy one, his eyes wrinkling around the corners. Dean stops laughing, catches his breath, but he keeps smiling.  
They stare at each other for a couple seconds, and then Castiel clears his throat. 

'You'll have to tell me which ones are the ones you just mentioned, I don't know pasta types,' he tells him, scanning the shelves. 'I'd like to try them.'

'They're nothing special,' Dean replies, a little breathless, his voice light and still amused. God, he feels good. 'Farfalle is the bow ones. Tagliatelle is the super long ones, here,' he picks up the boxes. 'Are we getting them?'

Castiel just holds out his basket in reply. 

They continue shopping and Dean's ready to declare that yesterday and today have got to be the most awesome days of his life. 

But then, alpha stops and says:

'I forgot tomatoes. We need them for the sauce,' they both gaze back, to the far end of the shop they just came from. Castiel sighs. 'Please wait here with the basket. I'll be right back.'

Dean agrees, not worrying much. He has his collar on, and alpha isn't going away for long.

It turns out that it was a bad idea. He stands in the hygiene aisle, basket and bags from before at his feet, and he doesn't get why it happens now, because he's not groped too often when he goes out on his own. It's only from time to time, but unfortunately, some  
asshole picks this exact moment to ruin his day. 

It's a douchebag that's probably fifteen years younger than him. Enters the aisle and Dean fidgets nervously, trying not to draw attention. Apparently, that's a wrong thing to do. The alpha sees him, stops for a moment and heads straight towards him, menacing. There are some other people in the alley and they quickly vacate it, sensing trouble. Dean knows they won't help out; no one wants to end up as collateral damage.

'Aww, your alpha left you alone, sweetheart?' the man asks mockingly. He's scrawnier than Dean but taller than him, wears designer clothes and a cap put on backwards. He looks like a spoiled kid that's used to getting what he wants. 'Or was it a beta? I'm sure you need a real alpha to show you what's what.'

Not all of them usually bother with the small talk, but this one likes it. He likes how Dean backs up against the wall as he corners him. 

' _My alpha_ doesn't want anyone to touch me,' replies Dean, trying to sound stern and failing. The stranger grins predatorily, shows a row of blindingly white teeth. 

'Just a little something won't hurt,' assures him the man, getting so close suddenly, his mouth is inches away from Dean's. He has Dean pinned to the shelves, the plastic corners digging into his back painfully. 'I won't tell if you won't.'

He's gonna hurt him and suddenly, Dean can't breathe, he can't think. His heart is hammering in his chest, the scent of his own fear making him choke, like usually. _But alpha won't like it_ , Dean thinks, detached, and it almost makes him laugh with how absurd that is. _He_ doesn't like it either. But that helps, cause he realizes he's not Alastair's, remembers how distraught Castiel was in the morning when he thought about _this_ happening. In an instant, he gathers all the strength he has and pushes the attacker away. He's not gonna get in trouble for that, he's _not_ , Castiel doesn't want him to be shared.

The douchebag stumbles back. Shocked that an omega dared to do that? Dean feels... he feels _empowered_.

'You can't touch me,' he tells him, his mouth dry, barely hearing himself above the rush of the blood in his ears. 'My collar's on. My alpha won't allow it.'

'Your alpha's not here now, bitch,' the man snarls and launches himself at Dean. He collides with him. Dean stumbles back, hits the shelves again and cries out in pain. He can hear shampoo bottles falling to the floor around them. The alpha is strong, he's stronger than him, and his hands are already under Dean's shirt, fingernails raking down his back, a grip on his hips. The alpha pins him with his lower body and Dean thrashes, but can't escape, and the alpha opens his zipper, his forceful fingers getting down Dean's pants, spreading his cheeks. 

Dean punches him under the chin. 

The man falls back, actually falls, and Dean's fist hurts, but it's not so bad. Jesus, there was a sound, and he thinks he's actually done some harm... the man spits and there's not only blood, but also teeth, and Dean's overcome with sick satisfaction. 

At that moment, Castiel appears in the aisle and takes it all in. 

Dean's first instinct is to cower; alpha's gonna be so fucking furious, he's not only let himself be touched but he also hit an _alpha_. But it only takes Castiel a split second to understand what's going on; Dean supposes he looks shaken enough. Alpha's by his side in a flash, and he grabs Dean's arm, ignores his flinch and the way he covers himself. 

'Did he hurt you?' he asks, and his eyes are almost black when Dean glances at him. He's terrifying like that, and that's his alpha voice, too, Dean's never heard him use the alpha voice before. He stinks of rage, but his emotions don't show; his expression is stone cold, his face blank. But Dean knows his eyes well enough to know how mad he is. 

This is the first time he realizes how truly dangerous Castiel can be. Even Alastair didn't look like this during his worst moments. He was frigid calculation, Castiel is... contained fury.

'He pushed me and touched me,' whispers Dean. He's more terrified now, but it's just his body. He thinks he knows... he thinks Castiel won't hurt him, not at all. 

And he doesn't. At Dean's confession, Castiel turns to the man and hauls him up by the collar of his shirt. The asshole whines, like a pitiful crybaby, Dean thinks. He notices his front teeth are shattered. Hell yes. 

'This omega is _mine_ ,' Castiel informs him, and it's a tone Dean's never heard from him before. 'You will never touch him again.'

'He wanted it,' seethes the man through his broken teeth. 'Begged for it like a little bitch.'

Dean feels his insides twist in fear. An alpha is always right, he remembers, it's been drilled into him since forever. Castiel should believe this man, according to everything Dean's ever experienced. What's his word worth against an alpha's?

He readies himself to convince Castiel, he can't have his alpha think he was really throwing himself at someone else. He feels despair and resignation overcome him, awaits Castiel's (devastated? knowing?) gaze, but Castiel doesn't even glance back at him.

'Touch him again,' he says, his voice ice cold. 'And I'll kill you.'

He takes his time so that the words to get to the stranger, who gapes at him outraged, and then punches him. It's just one, swift punch, but it completely knocks him out. Castiel lets go of the alpha and he falls back onto the floor, next to his spat out teeth. Then, he turns to Dean. 

His gaze doesn't lose any of the intensity, but he looks at him differently. Dean doesn't know how to describe it; it's not pity, it can be a little bit of worry, and mostly it's still anger... but it's not at him. It's more like it's... 

(pride and affection)

He doesn't know what it is.

'Are you injured anywhere?' asks Castiel, completely focused on Dean.

'No,' Dean replies, his lips numb, but his body angling towards Castiel. 'He scratched my back and groped me some, but...'

Castiel's furious growl stops Dean's words, and he looks like he's losing control over his emotions, but Dean does something he can't entirely understand - he holds out a hand and grabs Castiel's shoulder, ducks his head to catch alpha's gaze.

'Alpha,' he says, intently. 'I'm okay. You came for me.' It's soothing, and he doesn't know where it comes from. And then adds, a little dazed: 'I punched the fucker.'

Castiel looks at Dean's knuckles, bruised already, and as if driven by some strong instinct, takes his hand and kisses it softly. And then, he lifts his head and kisses Dean. It's hungry and short, and nothing like his previous kisses, but Dean melts into it all the same, because it makes him feel safe. He gets the message of it loud and clear, it's both _you belong to me_ and _i'm glad you're alright_ , and it's something he's never felt before. It's like... like how it's supposed to be, maybe. 

'Let's go,' Castiel orders, pulls back to help Dean zip up his pants and straighten his shirt. Dean wants the contact to last longer, but he doesn't have to ask, because it's like Castiel's entered premium alpha mode. He pulls Dean closer and puts an arm around his waist, steers them towards the basket and they leave the aisle with the knocked out alpha behind them. Dean notices alpha's still holding the bag of tomatoes he went to get. Talk about self control. 

They go through checkout, they pay, and Castiel's still possessive and authoritative like never before. Dean packs the food in a plastic bag and his alpha closes his wallet and tells the cashier, loudly:

'There's mess in your hygiene aisle. You should clean it up.'

Holy _shit_ , that's badass, Dean thinks, staring at Castiel openly, as the man passes by and takes the bag from him, and then his hand. Dean walks by his side and he feels protected, he feels proud. 

'I'm so sorry for leaving you out there,' Castiel breaks the silence, as they near the exit to the parking lot. 'You were supposed to be safe with the collar on.'

'It happens,' Dean shrugs. He still feels adrenaline in his veins, and his fist is throbbing with pleasant pain. He's _punched_ an alpha. It feels like back with dad, the fights, the training, it feels so good. 

'I never want it to happen,' Castiel stresses. They reach the car. 'You know that, right?'

''Course,' Dean replies, seriously. 'I knew you weren't okay with it. I couldn't... at first...' he looks away, clenches his jaw. 'But then, I remembered. If you said they're not allowed to touch me, they're not, and I can try to protect myself. The law doesn't forbid it, then.'

'I know,' Castiel opens the trunk and puts the food there. 'I'm glad. That... fucker...' Castiel tastes the word, like it's foreign, and Dean realizes, dumbfounded, that he's repeating the word after him. 'Deserved more than we gave him.'

'I don't know, he can seriously cash it in tonight, when Tooth Fairy comes over,' Dean snickers, damn satisfied with himself. 

'You're incredible,' says Castiel, and it's said with such certainty, it kind of floors Dean. 'I'm so happy you protected yourself. I just wish I was there to see it.'

'Might have more chances to,' Dean mutters, his ears burning. They get inside the car, but Castiel doesn't start it yet. He turns to face Dean. 

'I sincerely hope I won't,' he says, sternly. 'Next time, I wish you'd call for me, as well.'

'I'll try,' Dean promises. 'I just kinda... it's... I don't know, when he was all over me, I... couldn't think.'

Castiel embraces him like he's been waiting to do it since the shop, and Dean lets him, presses himself closer. 

'I feel so safe with you,' he admits, so so quietly. 'Please never stop being you. I'll do whatever I have to, to deserve it.'

'You already deserve it, sweetheart. Always will, it'll never change,' Castiel swears, tightens their embrace. 'I'm sorry if I scared you back there, but I won't be sorry for how I reacted.' 

'I wasn't scared. It was good,' Dean says, and it's true. 'It was nice, when you promised him you'd kill him. Very romantic.' He says it tentatively, unsure if his jokes will be accepted, but he feels Castiel chuckle. 'And also, when you kissed me.'

'Yes,' Castiel admits, sounding a little off, and Dean thinks he's trying to cover up his scent, but he's practically sniffing his neck, so of course he can tell. It's muted, but alpha's embarrassed. 'I have to say, your strength aroused me. It was quite unexpected.'

Dean pulls back to look at him, feeling himself slick at the shy confession. 

'Can I kiss you? Now?'

Castiel smiles.

'That would be alri-,' he replies, and Dean kisses the rest of the word off of his mouth. He's a little clumsy when he does it - stupidly inexperienced in things like these - but he tries, he tries, he feels so hot and can't wait any longer, and Castiel lets him in instantly, and Dean kisses him until he can't breathe and then pulls back. They stare at each other for a moment, Castiel smells pleased and Dean thinks, this is the best day after all. But there's still some unease in him, and he feels a bit... dirty after all the wrong touches. 

He thinks Castiel'll make them all disappear by tomorrow, though.

'Let's go home,' Castiel says decidedly, and they drive. This time, alpha takes the shortest way home, but Dean doesn't mind. His own bags, with clothes and CDs and pillows are in the footwell and he looks at them instead of outside. It's still raining, the sky is still the  
somber dark grey color, and Dean slowly feels the adrenaline leave his body. He sags in his seat, suddenly exhausted. Castiel drives in silence, but it's companionable, and Dean thinks he might take an extremely short nap.

 

He smells something cooking, maybe spicy sauce? Whatever herbs are in it, they've gotta be intense, he decides, wrinkling his nose at the invading scent. Then, he hears the sizzle of oil on the pan, and stirs, blinks his eyes open. 

His head feels groggy and his limbs hurt, but he's on the couch, not in the car. There's a pillow under his head and he's wrapped in a blanket, and his shoes and coat are gone. 

He sits up carefully, squinting, not sure what happened. When he turns around, he sees Castiel in the kitchen, cooking their dinner. 

'I... sleep?' asks Dean incoherently, wiping his eyes. 

'You fell asleep in the car. I carried you inside,' Castiel tells him with a soft smile. 'You must've been tired.'

He looks so down to earth in a simple black t-shirt and jeans, it's hard to believe Dean's deemed him the most dangerous alpha he's ever seen just moments ago. His hair is tousled as if he's run his hands through it, and even though he smiles, it's a little strained. There's no worry in his scent, but something seems off. 

'I'm sorry,' Dean says, this is awkward. Alpha had to carry him, his bags, undress him and also cook, that's a lot of work. Dean's not sick anymore, he should be helping out. 

'Don't be,' Castiel replies. 'The food is almost done. I don't mind, you needed your sleep.'

Dean gets up and goes to him. He takes in the pot of bubbling sauce, minced meat frying on the pan, pasta - the one he's picked, tagliatelle - ready but kept warm in another pot. Alpha works so much, it's unreal. Even back home, when it was just him, Sam and dad, dad didn't cook often. Once he's discovered that Dean was good at it and that the classes really taught him things, he's left it to him. 

'This looks great,' Dean comments. Alpha smiles, a little tiredly. 

'I'm glad. How do you feel?'

Dean frowns. 'I'm okay? I'm sure I'm not really sick anymore.'

'No, I mean, after...' Castiel trails off and Dean opens his mouth when he understands. After the... _assault_.

'Fine, I'm fine,' he replies quickly. 'Can we still watch the movie? While we eat maybe?'

'Yes, of course. I wanted to ask you...'

Dean looks up, even as Castiel leaves his place by the kitchen table to go stir the sauce and the meat. 

'You mentioned the cooking and housekeeping classes. Did you also take self-defence or kickboxing at school? Or any sort of sport?'

Dean snorts before he can stop himself. Is this a joke? It doesn't sound like the last time Castiel was being funny. Alpha turns around to him and they stand facing each other, with a comfortable distance between them. He can see on alpha's face that he's not joking.

'Sorry,' he says, nervously rubbing one arm with the other. 'No, we don't... omegas never get to learn things like these. I just, why? How come...' he doesn't want to sound rude. 'How come you don't, you know, know how it is, alpha?'

Castiel looks down and sighs. 

'I was homeschooled,' he says, each word dragged out painfully, as if it's super hard to talk about. 'I was... I never had contact with normal education.'

Oh. That explains it a bit. Maybe his parents were hermits, or something. Or maybe there's some religious cult-like thing involved? Dean doesn't know. It could be a bunch of things. Abuse? Doesn't seem likely, cause Dean's been through it and he thinks he'd recognize the signs in someone else. 

'So... you've never met other kids, or anything like that?' Dean continues uncertainly. This time, it's Castiel who's clearly uncomfortable, squirms under the omega's gaze. Dean feels like he's stealing all his moves. 

'I was kind of... secluded,' Castiel admits after a bit. 'My companions were my siblings, most of the time,' he clears his throat. 'But I'd like to learn more about the standard way of living.'

Standard way of living, huh? Not like Dean's got a lot to say about _that_. With dad dealing the cards, pretty much nothing was ever standard in their life. 

'I presented at thirteen,' Dean finds himself saying. He doesn't know why he shares that fact. It's not anything shameful or mysterious, he just doesn't talk about that with anyone. 'Do you know how that works, alpha?'

Alpha doesn't look put off by that. Instead, he tilts his head curiously, leaning on the counter with his hands holding its edge behind him. 

'The scent change, yes,' he confirms. 'I presented at fourteen, myself.'

Dean nods.

'Well, yeah, my scent changed and I got pulled out of regular school. They, uh, I... changed schools, a lot. We traveled a lot, like I told you before. Different places, different cities.' Castiel furrows his brow. 'What, what's wrong?'

'It must have been hard for you,' he says, sympathetic. 'One of the things I did hear about omegas, was that they like to have a home, a constant place to live in.'

Dean shrugs, looking over at the cooking food. It wasn't so bad. It's almost word by word what Sam's said, too, but. Most of the time it was fine, except for... Dean remembers, shortly after he presented, how hard it was to leave the rented house on Oak Avenue, Chesapeake, Virginia. Sam and him had a small room there, with white-washed walls and big windows. 

When he presented, dad cried. Dean's scent just shifted one day when he woke up, it was sweeter and more tangible, and he went to the kitchen and dad froze where he was reading the paper and drinking coffee. They stared at each other, and Dean said 'I think I presented, dad' and dad just broke down. It was the only time Dean ever saw him cry like that, completely sober, and he didn't understand then but he does now. 

Dad got a grip almost right away and said it was gonna be fine, that he's an omega. Dean remembers feeling a weight settle on his chest - he knew it wasn't good to be an omega, knew that they'd often end up hurt and couldn't have any cool jobs. He remembers biting his lip, hard, when it started to wobble and saying brokenly _but i wanna be a mechanic, dad,_ and dad gathering him in his arms and shushing him. He told him that not all was bad about being an omega. That he already takes great care of him and Sammy, and that now it's gonna be making him happier than ever, so he can just keep being himself. And that he just has to steer clear of alphas, but dad's gonna protect him and make sure he's never hurt and can keep doing whatever he wants. 

'I can still fix cars?' asked Dean, looking at dad, careful not to cry. Only babies cried, but he was feeling especially lousy that day. Dad's big dark eyes were so sad then, but he smiled at him and hugged him close, and said 'I'd like to see anyone stop you, kiddo', and no one did. Not until he met Alastair. Dad kept his promises for as long as he could.

Anyway, Dad took him to an old bookstore and then for ice cream that day, and Sam was surprised at the weird display of attention but didn't ask. He understood that something had changed, Dean knew, but he didn't know just how much. They ended up reading Treasure Island - the book he got, then - together and drawing a huge map with made up or borrowed locations. Like Derry from It (with clowns all over the place, just to see Sam's spectacular bitchface), Fantasia from The Neverending Story (Sam's idea - even if Dean liked the movie before, the amount of times Sam had rewatched it and made Dean read him the book was too annoying) or Planet Pie or Siren Coast ( _magical chicks everywhere, Sam,_ Dean had explained). Dean let Sam decide where the treasure would be 'hidden'. He never found out where it was, in the end. The map was pinned to the wall in their shared room, covering most of it, and Dean remembers it now, for the first time in years with an ache in his heart. 

The place was homey, it was theirs. They've spent over four months there, and Dean loved the tiny kitchenette, cooked his first real meals there when dad let him sign up for cooking classes. Dean continued to take them and the other obligatory ones until he was sixteen and able to take the state exam. He's not sure why he wanted to; his guess is it helped pass the time when dad and Sam were away, at work and school, and he liked being near other omegas even if he rarely got close to any of them. He was changing schools all the time and skipping a lot, too, preferring to spend time with dad when he was... hunting. It was one word for it.

When they had to leave Chesapeake, Dean actually asked dad to stay for the first time ever. He knew the drill by then, knew they were living on the road, but there was a pull he couldn't quite get, and it kind of hurt and made him sad and scared. When they drove away from their small house, Dean sulked in the backseat, feeling detached and afraid of it, of the unknown in front of them, of the sudden feeling that he just wanted to go home. The Impala helped a little bit, and with time, he learned to transfer some of that need for one place to her, so it always felt like he had a piece of home with him whenever they drove anywhere. 

'Is it something that you like, too?' 

He blinks at the question, forces himself to look at Castiel again. Right, he's asking if Dean likes having that constant place like other omegas do. Dean's never admitted it to anyone but himself, and even that was tentative, because he knew it was a weakness he couldn't really afford.

'I think so,' he says, his voice thick with something he identifies as careful longing. 'It wasn't so bad, living on the road. We had that car-'

He cuts himself off and shuffles his feet. 

'You lived in the car?' asks Castiel, and sounds kind of horrified. Dean's head snaps up. 

'What, no,' he hurries to explain. 'I mean, not all the time. But I, uh, that car, it was great. And it was always the same, you know? Everywhere we went.'

'I understand,' Castiel nods solemnly, and Dean thinks he really does, he knows what he's trying to get across. 'What did it look like?'

'It was a '67 Chevy Impala, black,' Dean supplies. He could recite it in his sleep. Castiel pulls his phone out of his jeans pocket, hands it to Dean. 

'Could you show me?' 

Right. The Internet. Dean takes the phone, their fingers brushing, and it's already unlocked. He taps the white bar where he knows you can type things, and types the model. It pops up, tons of pictures of his car, and he exhales shakily. There's no omega filter. This is the Impala, and he can look at her anytime he wants, because alpha's turned the filter off. 

'This is her,' he says, and hears the pride in his voice. He shows Castiel but notices that the man is watching his face instead of the phone, and is smiling. He does look down at the pics though. 

'A classic, I see,' as if the 1967 part didn't betray that, but Dean can tell he knows absolutely nothing about cars and is abashed because of it. 

'Well, anyway,' Dean gives him back the phone. 'I couldn't go to normal school anymore, that was for betas and alphas. So I had different classes and it was either a different building or the same one, depended on the city. We had cooking, housekeeping, sewing, which I kinda hated-' he hesitates, but Castiel doesn't look mad, only gestures for him to go on, 'Some gardening, too. I never got to use it. There were a lot of rules about cleaning and ironing, and on our last year, some general rules. Like how to act around an alpha or a beta.'

'Like when you kneel on the floor when I'm coming home?' 

'Yeah.'

'Then... how did you learn how to punch people? Dean, you knocked that man's teeth out, and not that I'm not impressed, I'm just surprised you weren't taught that-'

'I was, my dad taught me,' replies Dean, squaring his shoulders. He waits for Castiel to disapprove, but he doesn't. He doesn't pry, either. 

'I'm thankful, then,' he says instead. 'I wouldn't have been the best self-defence teacher, but I am glad you know how to protect yourself.'

He's _glad_. He's glad Dean knows how to punch alphas. 

'You decked him nicely yourself,' he says, cause Castiel did. He didn't even stop to hesitate, didn't consider the attacker's words, didn't believe that Dean wanted to be fondled.

'I do work out, the sitting job can become a nuisance,' Castiel turns his back to him so he can't see his face, but he thinks alpha's sounding weird again. 'But at the shop I, ah, I simply got carried away.'

Hmm. Castiel's busy with the pots, so Dean moves to take out some plates, but then the phone rings. It's alpha's cell. 

'Can you pick it up?' he asks, and Dean glances at him, suddenly stuck in place. 'I have my hands full.'

Dean leaves the plates and carefully reaches for the vibrating phone. The screen says Charlie.

'It's Charlie?' he tells alpha, uncertainly. 'What should I say?'

'Just tell her I can't talk right now, ask her what she wants.'

Right. Dean swallows and it takes him three tries to slide the icon and start the conversation. 

'Hello?' he asks quietly, nervous for a thousand different reasons. He doesn't want to mess this up. 

'Dude, open the freaking chat, Garth's just pushed the changes to the master branch and everything is fucked up now, you need to check out his version-'

'Sorry, can you please repeat it? I'll write it down, I-' Dean frantically looks for a piece of paper and finds a discarded notepad on the coffee table in the living room, leaving Castiel behind, occupied with stirring and serving. Dean's able to write Garth and branch, but he doesn't understand anything else, and it's making him feel terrified. What if he gets it wrong and alpha's entire work project's fucked up because of him?

'Wait, is this Dean?'

The pen in his hand comes to a halt. How does this - Charlie - know him? 

'Yes,' he confirms. 'I'm - I'm alpha Castiel's omega. He asked me to pick up the phone-'

'Oh my GOD!' she exclaims on the other side and Dean winces, moves the phone away from his ear. 'Sorry, dude, I never noticed it wasn't Castiel! Sorry for rambling like that. I've been dying to meet you, he's been talking so much about you. So, how are you doing?'

Dean's maybe even more terrified now than before. 

'I'm fine,' he replies slowly. 'It's - it's nice to meet you.'

Castiel's been talking about _him_? To other people?

'I'm Charlie, Charlie Bradbury,' the cheery voice informs him. 'I work with your guy for what, five years now? We're friends. I hope we're gonna be friends too, in time! And I don't mean anything pervy, just so you know. You just sound cool, and if Castiel likes you, I'm sure you're awesome to hang out with. You like horrors, right?'

What the _fuck_.

'Yes,' Dean confirms, again, pressing his hand to his forehead. He's gonna fuck this up, how is he supposed to react to that? They were talking about alpha's job, and now she's asking about him? Is she even an alpha or a beta, is he allowed to say anything? He's freaking out. 'Can you please tell me what should I tell alpha? I didn't-' he feels really stupid as he says that, but he supposes he shouldn't be fluent in their geek-talk, even if he weren't an omega. 'I don't really, uh, get what you meant, about those branches, Miss.'

There's a pause. Was the honorific wrong? He should address her by her designation, but he doesn't know it, he just feels so helpless.

'That's alright, man,' Charlie replies and she doesn't sound angry. 'I'll just shoot him a text.'

No no no. 

'No, look, please, I - alpha's asked me to, I can totally tell him. Just please repeat and I'll write it all down.'

Another pause.

'Sure,' she relents and he can breathe again. 'It's enough if you tell him that Garth pushed the wrong code. He'll know what it means,' she stops for a moment, and then repeats, patiently. 'Garth. That's one of our IT guys. The push part is kinda crucial, but Castiel's gonna figure it out anyway, you don't gotta worry about missing anything. You need me to explain more, or...'

'No, I got it, thanks so much,' Dean's grateful she's so nice to him. She must be a good alpha like Castiel. Or a good beta, but somehow she doesn't sound like one. 

'I know I made it look like there was a rush, but it's not that big of a deal,' she keeps going, even though Dean wants to just end this conversation, holding the phone with a steel grip. He almost runs to the kitchen with the note, despite her words, and puts it in front of Castiel who's finishing serving dinner. He reads it quickly and groans, exasperated. 

He takes the phone from Dean, leaves it on the table and presses something, and suddenly Charlie's voice is loud, and Dean jumps up. He didn't know that could be done.

'- he unwinding around you? The dude has a small case of stick-up-his-ass, but it's just part of his charm, I promise, and once you get past that, you're golden.'

'I'm glad it's just a small case,' Castiel says dryly, and Dean knows he shouldn't laugh - he should've warned Charlie about alpha listening - but he can't stop a giggle that leaves his mouth, unbidden, and clasps a hand over his mouth to stifle it. 'You're on speaker, Charlie.'

Charlie gasps on the other side of the phone.

'Betrayed much?' she sounds offended and Dean freezes with fear, laugh forgotten, but alpha notices and grabs his arm, strokes it soothingly. 'I was talking to Dean, Castiel, thanks for the interruption.'

'What did Garth do?'

'The entire backend is gone, I tried to roll back, we all did, but he must've changed the other files-' Dean tunes it out cause he doesn't understand it, and focuses on how nice Castiel's hand feels gripping his. He rubs his thumb in circles over the man's palm. Maybe  
tonight... like he's said...

'I'll arrange the meeting tomorrow, we'll fix it,' Castiel decides. 'I'm not going to do it tonight. I have plans with Dean.'

Dean jerks his head up, surprised. 

'Alpha, I'm not gonna hold you back from _work_ ,' because that's ridiculous, his movie and maybe cuddling over a project that many alphas are invested in?

'No, it can wait, Dean,' alpha and Charlie say at the same time, and Dean cracks a disbelieving smile. Charlie huffs. 

'Never lets me have the last word,' she says, but Dean now understands that it's all fake offended. 'You guys have fun. And Dean, hope we can meet soon! You gotta tell me all about the movies. Castiel's never even seen Star Wars-'

'What?!' Dean whips around to Castiel, unable to stop his reaction. 'Really?'

'Finally, someone with common sense,' Charlie comments. Castiel shrugs. 

'I understand there's an unhealthy amount of adoration for said franchise,' he says. 

'Yeah, cause it rocks,' Dean gets defensive, but those are damn great movies. The old ones, at least.

'I imagine it can be quite interesting if you introduce me to it,' Castiel smiles, and it's more than his usual politeness. It has a teasing edge and Dean thinks that alpha's kinda _flirting_ with him. As if confirming, Castiel's hand stops grasping his and instead travels to the small of his back, caressing his hip on the way. Dean shudders from just that, but doesn't move away.

'Alright, I'll leave you to it!' Charlie's high, amused voice cuts through the sudden, heavy silence and the phone beeps as she ends the call. Castiel doesn't reach for it, but brings his other hand to Dean's face, strokes his cheek. 

'I enjoy learning about your various interests,' he admits, then frowns, as if it doesn't sound right. 'I enjoy learning about _you_.'

Oh. Dean feels his cheeks get pink and tries to duck his head, but alpha holds his face and doesn't let him. He presses their lips together, again, and Dean's so happy to get so many kisses, all day.

His hand slides down the curve of Dean's ass, though, and squeezes, _hard_. Dean's breath stutters; alpha's never been this... passionate, before. His kiss deepens and Dean goes pliant, docile; alpha's nice and it gets Dean all hot and bothered when he's so confident, and he just wants to let him take whatever he wants. But then, alpha's second hand joins the first, kneading his buttocks through the jeans and pulling them apart a little and Dean breaks the kiss and steps back, his hip colliding with the kitchen table painfully.

'S-sorry,' he breathes out. Castiel's turned on. His eyes are wide open and his cheeks crimson. It's a good look on him, it's sexy as fuck, but all Dean can think of is the row of stark white teeth and the choking smell of fear, and the invading fingers pushing past his underwear and down... there. His skin is too tight and he feels dirty and miserable, all of a sudden. Castiel's nice to him, but if goes all alpha, he might stop being so kind, he might hurt him - not even cause he wants to, Dean doesn't think that would happen, he keeps proving otherwise - but he can just lose control like back in the shop, and... 'Can we please eat now? I'm hungry.'

It's a bold move for him, but it's easier to ask for food that than to admit what's really the problem. Castiel takes a moment to come back to himself, and he looks confused for a split second before nodding hastily.

'Of course.'

Dean can't tell what he's thinking. He's not a good actor and he's sure his sudden change in mood and scent was palpable, but luckily, alpha doesn't ask, he just brings the plates to the small wooden table in front of the couch. Right, they were supposed to watch a movie.

The plates barely fit, which means that Dean and Castiel need to sit really close to each other in order to eat. But alpha's calmed down, and Dean's not scared anymore.

'Your friend sounds cool,' the omega says, taking the first bite while Castiel puts on the movie. It's exactly what he's described he likes, back at the shop - the long pasta with tomato sauce and minced meat. 

'Yes, Charlie has a great personality,' alpha replies. 'I think you two would get on well, should you choose to meet one day.'

Dean's mind almost yearns to find something sinister in it, because meeting with another alpha or beta to discuss movies is way too suspicious. But he keeps coming up short.

'Is she an alpha?"

'Yes, and she has an omega, Dorothy. They've been married since before I've known her.'

They don't talk much after that, only eat and watch the movie. It lasts almost two hours, and somehow by the end of it, Dean finds himself cuddled up with Castiel, alpha's hand stroking his hair constantly. It's stupid how much he loves it. When the film nears its end, Dean moves an inch and studies Castiel's face. Alpha's tired, but he looks at the screen engrossed, and Dean allows himself to stare; he's really attractive.

He cooks Dean his favourite food. He holds him and buys him things he likes. He listens to everything he says and never insists on things, unless it's for Dean's own good. It strikes Dean how little he still knows about _him_ ; Dean could name maybe five facts about him, tops.  
He remembers how Castiel kissed his bruised knuckles, and it's almost the best memory, but the number one is the surprised, pleased way he smiled when Dean laughed at his awkward (hilarious) joke at the store. It's that memory that really floods Dean with some warm, unnamed feeling. 

'This was better than the first part?' Castiel announces, and voices it like a question, and Dean sees that the end credits started rolling. 

'Mhm,' he agrees softly, and suddenly wraps his arms around Castiel, straddles him gracelessly and buries his face in the crook of his neck. He can feel the pause, feels how puzzled alpha is, probably about what prompted his hug, but he doesn't care. Alpha smells safe, he keeps smelling safe. It's lazy and comfortable, melting into alpha's body, rubbing his cheek on his t-shirt once or twice. It's cozy.

In the end, Castiel's scent shifts to cautiously satisfied, and he runs a hand down Dean's back. That feels cozy too, alpha's palms are so big. 

'My sweet omega,' he sighs, and Dean preens. 'I get a feeling you'd like to move this to bed,' he says, teasingly, and Dean nods. This alpha won't hurt him, he tries to convince himself, as he pulls back to look him in the eyes. He's not mad, but he's also not as turned on as before, which is probably a good thing. 

They clean up and turn off all the lights, and Dean attempts to go to the bedroom, but Castiel calls him into the bathroom where he's stripping. 

'How would you feel if we took a shower together?' he asks, very serious. Dean knows he won't force him if he won't want to. But he does. 

'Yeah,' not very articulate, he takes off his shirt. They strip in the same time. Castiel doesn't look at him until he's done, which is good, cause he hates his ugly body. Alpha gets the shower running and steps under the spray, and holds out a hand.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> next chapter will be up tomorrow, i just need to edit it. and then finally, we'll be done with that one, long ass day. i seriously need to put some breaks on the amount of words, i think the next next chapter will try to fit one day in one chapter, for once. 
> 
> let me know what you think! thanks again for all the comments, kudos, everything, means so much! :)


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> timeline: same day as 3 previous chapters (05/01).

Dean gathers all of his courage and doesn't cover himself, but takes the hand. He's all too aware of how bare he is and it feels even worse here than when he lays naked in bed. The water is hot and Dean sighs when it hits his back. Castiel squirts some citrus-smelling gel on his hands. 

'Would it be alright if I washed your body?'

Dean tenses. He kind of wants it, but he's also nervous. He chews on his lip, but Castiel waits patiently, starting to wash himself. The foam covers his body slowly and Dean stares.

'Let me, first?' he asks so quietly, he barely registers it himself. He just really craves putting his hands on all that skin and muscle. His eyes flick to Castiel, and the man smiles and nods. Dean's hands are shaking a little when he takes the bottle to get some more gel and spreads it down Castiel's back, facing him. He has to get really close in order to do it and their faces are only inches apart, but Castiel makes no move to pounce. He stands there, relaxed, watching Dean with an open expression. 

Dean focuses on his arms, then, and even soaps up each of Castiel's fingers separately. He thinks how those fingers have been inside him just yesterday, and might be tonight, and blushes. 

'You're very thorough,' Castiel says and Dean startles, thinking he's annoyed. 

'Sorry-' he pulls away to get more gel and quickly do alpha's legs, but alpha shakes his head. 

'No, I like it,' he assures him. 'It's very pleasant when it's so slow. Almost like a massage.'

'Would you like a massage?' asks Dean, raising his eyebrows. He thinks his voice comes out a little suggestive.

'No, right now I'll be content with just you exploring my body,' replies Castiel, and it would sound like sarcasm or something mean from anyone else, but alpha just talks like that, even if it makes Dean feel embarrassed. And he's not wrong, that's _exactly_ what Dean's doing. His hands travel down alpha's chest, then, lightly skimming over his nipples, and the tattoos, and his muscled stomach. Dean kneels. He thinks Castiel's gonna protest, for a moment, but he seems to discard the thought, and watches Dean as his fingers go up and down his calves and thighs in wide strokes. His gaze gets a little darker, and Dean thinks - _this is what you wanted, didn't you? You wanted to get him to fuck you all along._ That's what omegas do. That's what he's doing. He's been saying that he's scared of getting hurt, that he prefers to go slow, but now he's throwing himself at the man. He feels a little disgusted, even though he's doing what he wants.

But he pushes these thoughts away, because this isn't any alpha, this is Castiel, so he opens his mouth and says:

'I really like your thighs.' 

He does, they're so firm. He lets his hands knead them, not too hard, but the muscles there make his mouth dry. He can touch, alpha's let him, and he's been yearning to do so. He looks up and alpha's dick is in his face, not immune to all the fondling. It's not hard yet, but it is getting nicely plump. 

'Dean-'

'Can I touch you?' 

He stares at Castiel's face from his position on the porcelain floor of the tub. He knows some arousal must be showing on his own face and he can smell and feel that he's slicking. Usually, he'd feel humiliated, but Castiel's not holding him down, not making him do it - if anything, he looks like he's holding back, biting his lip, many conflicting emotions in his scent. 

'Yes,' he allows it, finally. Dean wraps his hand around his cock, tenderly. Alpha gasps above him, and Dean inspects it with careful fingers. It's so big, and he's never gotten to touch any cock like that. Handjobs were usually quick and messy, and always with a specific goal in mind. But Dean doesn't think Castiel will want to-

'Don't try to make me come, Dean,' he warns through gritted teeth. 'I want to save it for when I enter you.'

Wow. Dean can't help a whine that escapes his mouth, and he can feel a gush of slick actually run down his thigh. He doesn't know when was the last time he was as turned on as this. He tries to be efficient as he lathers alpha's cock once - twice... his hand lingering but letting go as soon as alpha makes a stifled sound of protest - and gets up, his knees aching but not more than his hole. 

'Do you like it?'

The question makes him snap his head up. Castiel's cheeks are red, again, but so are Dean's, and there's no embarrassment between them this time.

'What?' 

'My cock.'

The word is strange in Castiel's mouth, in his gravelly, serious voice, as were the curses from before, but holy shit does it get Dean going. Alpha seems to be aware of that, too, a smirk tugging at his lips. 

'Uh, it's very... satisfying,' Dean stutters. Alpha smiles, smug. 'How are you such a horny animal all of a sudden?'

The words came out before Dean's even finished the thought, and he stumbles back, terrified. This is the worst thing he could ever say to an alpha. Disrespectful and flippant and alpha's already turned on and dangerous, does Dean have a death wish?

But Castiel looks unphased by Dean's unruly behavior. He considers the question and when he replies, his voice is vulnerable and a little lost:

'It appears that it's what you do to me.'

The switch between the surprisingly dirty dirty talk and his honest, loving admissions is what really does it for Dean. He's never met anyone like that... someone who would go all alpha on him, but also make sex mean something, make it so personal. Dean thinks he was wrong. He thinks even as Castiel's instincts take over, he would still be his kind, clueless self, baffled by omegas and by Dean. That he would never really go so far as to lose himself and tune him out, chasing his own pleasure. It makes him feel safe. 

'You do all kinds of things to me, too,' Dean admits, a little shy, but not too shy to hand alpha the bottle and turn his back on him. 'My turn?'

It's one of the bravest things he's done in years and even though he wants it, he can't stop his flinch when alphas hands splay across his back. But he endures it because alpha's gentle and slow, and because he does that little shocked gasp as he discovers how much Dean's slicking already. 

'You're so good to me, sweetheart,' he says, massaging his shoulder blades, and Dean relaxes, it's very nice. He makes quicker work of it than Dean did, probably eager to get to bed. But when he reaches his front, he hesitates, and Dean remembers his freak out from yesterday. He turns around to face him. 

'You can,' he says, softly, 'Just - will you stop if I ask you to?'

He looks Castiel in his eyes, curling into himself, hating how exposed he must be. But Castiel has this fond expression on his face, and he's serious as he says:

'Always.'

So Dean nods, and he's stiff as he watches Castiel's hand grab his cock. He jumps at first, but forces himself not to shy away from the touch. He wants it. Castiel's very, very careful, and his fingers barely skim over the length, over the head, not pressing and not lingering anywhere. Dean sighs and unwinds a little. It doesn't hurt. Alpha looks focused, his eyes flicking between Dean's face and his dick, and Dean hates the sudden tension that he knows he's creating. So, he asks:

'Well, do _you_ like it?'

He meant it as a tease, a joke, but it comes out painfully self-conscious. Castiel's hand tightens minimally around him and he gives his dick a full stroke, one that has him exhale like his breath was punched out of him. It doesn't hurt, none of it hurts, it only makes him feel good and he's getting harder, too. Alpha looks pensive, holds Dean in his hand like he's rating him, and Dean loves it, even as he squirms a little. 

'It's very beautiful,' Castiel says, finally. 'Finely shaped. Just like the rest of you.'

Dean huffs, his cheeks burning. He wanted to clear the air, but now he only feels more awkward. 

'I'm big,' he replies, looking anywhere but the alpha. 'But it's... it's small, it looks stupid.'

Every alpha before liked to comment on that, too. Huge, but cock smaller than a finger, one of them would say, and he would laugh as Dean tried to hide his face in the pillow, ashamed. It wasn't that small, but while Dean's body was built like an alpha's, the contrast made it worse, just another brick in the wall of self-hatred that Dean's been adding to for years. 

Castiel grabs his hands, and it startles him. 

'If it was stupid, would it make me feel like this?' he asks, resolutely, pressing Dean's hand to his hard-on. Dean doesn't know what to reply to that, how to take a supposed compliment, so he shrugs and smiles bitterly.

'Maybe you just have a thing for freaks,' he ends up concluding, staring at his feet, at the water and suds sloshing on the bottom of the tub. Castiel's hands leave his body and he feels stupid, but it was to be expected. He's crossed so many boundaries today, he's surprised alpha didn't get pissed earlier. He just wishes...

'No,' Castiel protests, and suddenly his arms are all around him, and he hoists Dean up. Dean squeaks in surprise - not very manly, he has to admit - and wraps his legs around alpha's body, on instinct. Alpha's eyes are dark and angry and insistent. Dean finds he can't look away. 'I have a thing for you, and you only.'

'Okay,' Dean breathes out, and Castiel steps under the water, lets it wash away the foam from both of them. Dean clinges to him, aware that their naked bodies are pressed so tight together, but not scared, just a little overwhelmed. Castiel can be so intense, but he doesn't smell mad, and Dean doesn't... he doesn't mind alpha being like that. Not at all. His hands grip Dean's thighs and hold him close and steady.

'I didn't notice much damage from before,' Castiel tells him, as he turns off the water and steps out of the bathtub, still holding Dean. Fuck, he's strong. 'Some scratches, like you said, but not deep. And two bruises. If they hurt, I need you to tell me, I'll buy a cream for them.'

Only then, Dean realizes what he's talking about - the asshole from before, from the shop. Dean's already forgotten about it, too lost in the weird, new feelings that he was experiencing moments before, but Castiel remembered. He remembered and he checked if Dean was hurt, even without telling him. Even as they were both hard. Jesus Christ.

'Thanks for looking,' Dean says earnestly, as Castiel puts him down slowly and takes a towel to dry them both off. 'I, uh. I really liked the bath.'

He won't come up with any other facts, not now, not when he's still sporting a hard-on, and pretty much only thinking about alpha's strong hands as they were holding him.

'I'm glad,' Castiel smiles and wraps him in a towel, vigorously rubbing to get rid of water. He's still hard, too, and he still smells aroused. 'I'd like to repeat it someday.'

' _Every_ day,' Dean corrects him wholeheartedly, his eyes lighting up as Castiel laughs quietly. 

'As you wish, husband,' he says, throwing the towel on the counter, gripping Dean's hand. 'Every day.'

He leads Dean outside and to their bedroom, and as soon as they pass the threshold, starts kissing him. First the mouth, then the jaw and the neck, and down down down to his clavicle. Dean's shuddering and backing away with him, until they reach the bed and tumble onto it. Dean moves to get a pillow while Castiel's still kissing his chest and giggles as the alpha makes a noise of protest and slides him back by his hips. 

'We have to prepare,' he says, laughter in his voice.

'Do you still want to do it on your back?' asks Castiel, pausing the kissing and looking up. He's looming over Dean, but Dean nods. He's not scared, he's really not, for once. He's horny.

Castiel gets up, fetches lube. Dean puts a pillow under his hips and positions himself so that he's comfortable. Alpha sits on his heels like the night before and watches him for a moment. Dean's dick is curving up and smearing pre-come on his stomach from just the kisses and alpha's hungry gaze. Dean wonders if with this alpha, he could ever come untouched. 

Castiel starts out gentle, like always, pulling his cheeks apart and inserting a finger, and suddenly his blood runs cold. This was Dean's favourite part, but now all he can feel is the fingers of the man from the store, and he closes his eyes, flinches a little. He can feel Castiel halt the movements.

'Go on, I'm okay,' he tells him, and focuses hard on reining in his scent. He can't give away that he's scared, he doesn't want to. He won't let some asshole ruin the thing he's liked the most in sex so far. 

Castiel smells hesitant, but he keeps going. It doesn't feel good. Dean tries to relax, but his body is strung tight and he can feel his dick soften slowly. He's not gonna be able to keep up his act and it's so frustrating, he wants to cry. _Just a little something won't hurt,_ that alpha's said, but it did hurt, if not physically then inside, and now he can't get laid because of it. 

When Castiel inserts the third finger, the amount, the touch, it's all too much, and Dean can't conceal his reaction. 

'Stop,' he begs.

Castiel freezes. His fingers leave Dean's hole instantly, the previously held back scent of fear is released like a wave and alpha hovers over him, the concern so thick in the air, Dean shakes.

'Are you hurt?'

The words are quiet and heavy with guilt. 

'I'm sorry, I went too far,' Castiel babbles, which is something Dean doesn't really see him do often. 'I didn't mean to be so forward.'

Despite the fear, Dean finds the word hilarious; the man's just had his fingers up his ass, but he didn't mean to be forward. Castiel and his adorable politeness, even in the middle of sex.

'I should've asked you if you really wanted it. I thought you did, but now I've hurt you, please say something, Dean.'

Dean realizes he's just laying there, staring, not making a move to cover himself or roll off the pillow.

'It wasn't you,' he admits. It hurts to admit it. Hurts to show just how much a random alpha groping him has affected him. It's not Castiel's fault that that happened, and he really wanted to please the alpha. Castiel's so good to him, and they could both have a good time in bed, which is a new, refreshing perspective in Dean's life. 'At the shop, today.'

He doesn't say anything else, but understanding dawns on Castiel's face. He grabs one end of the duvet that they're laying on and covers Dean with it. Dean's thankful for the layer he can hide underneath. 

'You seemed very... eager, today,' Castiel says, laying down next to him, but not touching. 'I tried to go slow, at first, to see if you weren't feeling good about it. I did know you enjoyed what we did yesterday, so I thought...'

'I thought so, too,' Dean interrupts him, pissed at himself. 'I'm sorry.'

'It's not _your_ fault,' Castiel admonishes him. 'I should've thought more about it. It's just...' he seems as frustrated as Dean, his brow furrowed when he looks for the right words. 'I've never behaved like this, before. You make me want in ways I never have.'

Oh.

'Probably the alpha omega thing,' Dean guesses, because he's also way more turned on with Castiel around, and not all of it is because the man's nice and hot. It's like the feelings from back with Alastair, but multiplied a thousand times. And this time, he knows it's safer to accept them. 

'I'm so sorry you've been hurt today, Dean,' Castiel says, and means it. 'I'll make sure nothing like that happens again-'

'You don't have to,' Dean cuts him off; he doesn't want to hear _that_ , that's a promise Castiel can't keep. 'You can't. But it's enough when you try to be around, alpha.'

Alpha looks like he's going to argue, but then decides against it. He moves to get up and Dean realizes this is how their evening is gonna end. He doesn't want that. It's not fair, it's not fair that he can't have something nice tonight, and that alpha can't either, because some asshole tried to sample the goods. Dean doesn't want him to _win._

'We can always try tomorrow again, if you'll be willing. I'll make sure to be more careful,' Castiel's saying as he slides down the bed. No no no.

'No,' Dean protests, and holds out his hand to grab alpha's wrist, determined. 'Let's keep going. I mean it. I want to make you feel good-' he sees alpha start to look sad and resigned, but that's not what it is about, it's _not_ and he needs alpha to know, he doesn't just want to please, '-and I want,' he stops, rephrases, 'I'd, I'd like you to make me feel good, too, if you want to.'

It's the first time - probably ever - that he demands something from an alpha, and it scares the hell out of him, but he does it. Despite his freak out, he's still horny. Dean doesn't know Castiel as well as he'd like to, but this alpha tries more than anyone did for him, and it has to mean something, it just has to. 

'I told you I get scared all the time,' Dean barrels on, because after what he's said, he can only go forward. 'But I don't want it to ruin this evening. I had an amazing day, alpha, no kidding. And I don't want it to be over like this just cause I'm... me. I'm not- I'm not scared _you'll_ hurt me.'

Maybe he should be. Maybe it's just the omega part of him, reacting to a strong alpha that takes care of him, making him throw away years of wariness and distrust. But tonight, he only wants to be close to him, he wants to forget about the unwanted, scary touch. 

Please get it, he prays. Give me this one full day of good stuff, and I'll never complain again.

He waits anxiously. Castiel has so much indecision on his face, Dean's pretty sure nothing's gonna happen. 

'Do you really want this?' he finally asks, dubious. 

'Yes,' Dean swears, staring at him with no hesitation. 

'Alright,' alpha relents, but he doesn't sound like he's convinced, he sounds... off. Dean frowns, studying his face, but for the first time alpha doesn't want to look at him. He sends Dean a forced half-smile, drops his eyes and grabs his own cock, that's gone soft (when? Dean didn't notice). He starts stroking it. 'Just allow me a moment to get ready.'

He's tense, his body strung tight and Dean gets a terrifying feeling of _wrong wrong wrong_ as he looks at Castiel's hand going up and down. His cock stays soft despite the stimulation.

Having an omega around was always enough to excite alphas in the past, but now... He thinks Castiel might need some more attention to truly enjoy what they're doing, too. Dean's never had to ask any alpha what they wanted from him to feel good, but that's cause they just took it, ordered or yelled at him and they got it anyway. The way Alastair touched him and shoved his tongue in his mouth and knotted him, it was all like he was just an object made for his pleasure. When Castiel touches him... or kisses him... or mates with him, it's like he's a person. A person with their own needs and wants and like the alpha cares about what he feels. He can still do whatever he wants, but he... seems to choose to make it good for Dean, instead. And Dean's floored when it dawns on him that he cares so much about what alpha feels too, and not just cause it's his duty, or whatever. Before, he just assumed alpha would take his pleasure from his body, even as he tried to make him like it, too. But maybe... maybe he only cared about Dean. Maybe he did it... for him? 

This is new. So is Castiel, _an alpha_ , who looks and smells nervous and apologetic, hopelessly trying to get himself hard for Dean. It's like they switched places, it's Dean who's supposed to do it even if he can't, it's him who's supposed to always be ready to service, not -

'You don't want this,' he says, his lips numb as he stares at Castiel in shock and understanding.

'No, I do,' Castiel assures him, ashamed. Ashamed. 'I'm sorry it's taking so long. We'll get back to it, honey, I know you said you want it.'

Oh God, alpha's really doing this for him.

'Stop,' Dean grabs his hand, pulls it away. Castiel's dick is red from the rubbing and glistening with pre-come from before, but nowhere near hard. Dean winces. 'Please stop.'

Castiel's cheeks are flushed and he refuses to look at Dean. 

'I apologize,' he says, his voice low. 'I'm disappointing you.'

'Hey, no,' Dean's voice breaks and his chest is hurting, it's really hurting. 'I didn't know you were just doin' it for me. That's exactly what you don't want _me_ to do. Are we on the same page here? We both want each other to like it, right?'

Castiel's lips form a real smile, this time, and he looks up a little. 

'Right,' he agrees. 'I believe you, Dean, when you say that you want to keep going. And I... you deserve this. I think you'd be alright if we continued, and I liked it, too, but - when you get so frightened, I cannot stay aroused.' 

His _fear_ turns Castiel off. This, this is a game changer. Alpha could fake the affection, could keep saying that he doesn't intend to hurt him, but actions speak louder than words. This cannot be faked. 

'We'll try tomorrow,' Dean promises, hopeful, shyly grabbing Castiel's arm and putting it around himself. He misses the embrace. The mood for sex might be gone, but it doesn't mean no cuddling, and he thinks Castiel might need that, too. 

Alpha's sure he's disappointing him. Him.

'What do you like when we mate?' he asks, worried cause he's past all the boundaries he usually stays within. It's just, alpha's reaction was possibly one of the most unexpected things to ever happen to him. Alpha kept telling him he really cared about him and everything, but this... this was just bizarre, and it was proof.

'Well, your touch is definitely welcome,' sighs Castiel, hugging him close. Dean rests his head on his shoulder, inhales the scent of safety that he's grown to love so much. 'Your face, Dean, you're so beautiful.'

Dean blushes and shuts his eyes, hides his face in Castiel's neck. What the fuck.

'Am not,' he mumbles bashfully. He really isn't.

'You are,' Castiel seems to disagree, and he sounds amazed when he goes on: 'Yesterday... seeing your face when I entered you, seeing that you liked it... you react to everything I do, and knowing that I bring you pleasure, that's what I like when we mate, my lovely omega.'

He caresses Dean's back as he says that, his hands under the covers, and Dean's trembling. Okay, so alpha likes being touched. He'll remember. That should pan out well, if they both like to cuddle, Dean's bound to never let him go. 

'You've been so strong today,' Castiel marvels. 'You were scared, but you did what you wanted to do. And at the shop, and... all the time. That's incredible, Dean, I want you to know that.'

'I'm not incredible,' Dean replies. 'You're the one who got a mess of an omega, and I know you never wanted me here, I'm not blind. But... god, do you know what you're doing for me? It's not normal. You don't gotta. I know you don't know how omegas and alphas act, I know, but you can beat me. And you can fuck me without having to ask me if I'm okay, and you can cut me up or make me go hungry or naked, you can. No one will stop you.'

He can feel Castiel tense underneath him, but he doesn't get mad. 

'That's too bad,' he says, mock-concerned and Dean frowns. 'Because as it turns out, all I want to do to you is make you happy. Do you think I'm allowed to do that?'

Dean's breath hitches, he hoists himself up to look alpha in the eyes. 

'You can do anything you want,' he whispers, staring into the blue depth, transfixed. Kind kind kind. 

'Good,' Castiel concludes, leans down to kiss him on the forehead. 'And we barely know each other, Dean, but I do want you here. I just worry I won't do right by you.'

'You're doing so right by me, you have no idea,' Dean breathes out. 

'Do you _want_ to be here? At least for now?'

The question is more serious, and Dean can feel Castiel go rigid underneath him as he waits for the answer.

'I want to be here for fucking ever,' Dean replies, still staring at him, their faces only inches apart. 

Castiel smiles.

 

They clean up, get ready to sleep. They're both tired but they still lay in the darkness for a while, side by side, staring at the ceiling.

'We're both gonna die from blue balls,' Dean finally whispers, and Castiel starts laughing. Dean smiles, too, but doesn't get it. 'What?'

'Dean, we've been having sex almost all the time since I've met you. I've never had so much sex in my life.'

'Wow,' Dean frowns. 'But you're an alpha?'

But he's not a regular one, and they both know it. 

'I did meet with some partners, before,' he says. 'But not omegas. I was never... before you, I was never with an omega.'

'It doesn't show,' Dean tells him. 'You may not know much about omegas, but you do know how to handle me in bed.'

'I've read the pamphlet,' Castiel sighs. 'And then some books, and consulted some websites.'

Dean's heart is warmed again with the knowledge of how much effort alpha's put into getting ready for his arrival.

'So... you've never been with someone, like, long-term?'

It's easier to talk about personal stuff now, that it's dark and they're both so close, after everything that's happened today. 

'No,' Castiel replies. 'I've had some relationships that lasted months at best, but it was never what you might call true love. Nothing's just ever worked out. I don't think I'm the most interesting partner.'

'I think you're the most interesting person I've met,' Dean says honestly, frowning, and turns to the side to look at alpha. 'I'm serious. You like so many weird things, and you talk funny, too, and it's really cool. I never know what you're gonna do next, and not in any creepy way. You just always... surprise me.'

He doesn't know if he sounds convincing, because Castiel doesn't look like the words affect him. But he smiles gently.

'Thank you,' he replies. 'I'm glad you don't find me boring.'

'Alastair wasn't predictable either,' Dean says, laying back down. 'But it was never nice, whatever he ended up doing. And he was never funny, like you. And he was good at scams and shit, but he could never do half the hard work you do.'

Castiel sighs next to him. 

'Will you wake me up if you have nightmares?'

'Yes,' Dean confirms, and this time, he thinks, he might manage to do it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ...third time's a charm? it is gonna work out for them, someday soon. sexy times might still need some work, but at least they're bonding big time!  
> let me know what you think! feedback of all sorts appreciated. thanks and till next time! (which might be cas's pov for once but we'll see)


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> timeline: day 6 (05/02). Cas and Dean's one month anniversary.

The alarm goes off and Castiel reaches out to smash the button with his hand. He's been waking up this early for years, but he always hates it. He looks over at his omega. Dean's not there.

He grimaces as he gets up. Dean's probably in the shower, he thinks, but doesn't hear the water running. He knows he should freak out, but he's too fuzzy with sleep, and besides, things were going really good between them. There would be no reason for Dean to run away...

But then, he remembers that his omega has nightmares, and he doesn't recall being woken up at night. He staggers as he gets up and rushes downstairs, but already hears some sounds coming from the kitchen. It's the radio, he realizes; he's left it in the living room yesterday, in case Dean wanted to listen to his music. And it seems like he did. 

He stops at the bottom of the stairs and looks across the living room to the kitchen. Dean has his back to him and is preparing breakfast, but also nodding his head to the beat enthusiastically. He's really lost in it and Castiel doesn't interrupt him; he just watches as the omega butters up some bread and turns around to put it on the table, mouthing the words and enjoying the music, and sees him. 

Dean blushes in no time and drops his eyes, but he doesn't seem afraid, just surprised. He turns down the music a little, even though it wasn't really loud before. Castiel crosses the distance and reaches the kitchen table.

'Hi,' Dean mumbles, not looking up from the pile of small sandwiches he's arranging on a plate. 'Did I wake you?'

He sounds embarrassed, but still not scared. Good. Castiel intends to keep the scent of fear out of their life forever. 

'No, honey,' Castiel replies and leans in, gives Dean a casual kiss on the cheek on the way to the coffee machine. Dean doesn't flinch, his lips twitch in a small, pleased smile. 'Did you sleep well?' 

He might hate waking up early, but waking up to his mate, content and relaxed, suddenly feels amazing. It feels like his house has finally become a home. 

'Yep,' Dean says, and this time when he looks at Castiel, he doesn't waver. 'Honestly, didn't have a single nightmare. For the first time-'

He cuts himself off quickly, a scared expression crossing his face. Castiel frowns, filling up his mug. For the first time? That means Dean didn't wake him up the night before, even though he's been asked to. He doesn't even say anything but he can see Dean's already berating himself for the slip up, his hands tremble when he puts the lunch box on the counter next to Castiel.

'Here's your lunch, alpha,' his eyes are wide and they say everything Castiel needs to know; _please don't ask, please don't get mad_. So he doesn't. He figures Dean deserves a little trust, too, and so far accepting whatever he asks for seems to be working. _They_ seem to be working. 

'Thank you so much,' he says instead, and sits down by the table. Dean sits too, a little on edge. Then, Castiel notices his hand. His bruised knuckles are swollen.

'Dean,' he says, alarmed. 'Why didn't you tell me you were hurting?'

Dean looks puzzled and follows his gaze to his hand.

'Oh-'

'I asked you to tell me when you're hurt,' Castiel admonishes him gently, but he doesn't make a big deal out of it, because Dean seems to really have no clue what's the issue. At least he wasn't hiding it.

'Yeah, when I'm _hurt,_ ' he emphasizes. 'I can barely feel it.'

'Even if you have a high pain threshold,' Castiel says, getting up from his seat and taking some ice from the fridge. He wraps it in the kitchen rag and presses it to Dean's knuckles, delicately. 'I'd still like you to tell me when there's some damage to your body.'

'Okay,' Dean replies, seeming a bit stunned. He takes the ice from Castiel and their hands brush. 'Thank you.' He thinks for a moment, silent. Castiel sits back down and waits patiently, sips his coffee. He's probably picking out a fact to share. 

'When I was a kid, my dad would often ask my brother to go get ice from those machines outside, if we slept in a motel,' he starts, and Castiel turns his head to gaze at him sharply, bewildered. Whenever Dean shares something personal about his past life - or anything personal at all - it still catches him off guard. Castiel had no idea he has a brother, it just never occurred to him, but why not? Plenty of people have siblings, himself included. He stays quiet but attentive, hoping Dean won't startle and will finish his story. 'I used to scare him a monster lived inside, and would drag him in and devour him and they'd find his body parts in the freezer, later on.'

Castiel's eyes widen.

'That is... pretty morbid for a child,' he says cautiously, and Dean surprises him by laughing.

'Yeah, I guess,' he replies carefreely. 'But he always asked me to come with, because of that. And we'd race to and from the freezer, and the last one had to go to sleep without the night light on. It always pissed him off cause he loved to read before bed.'

Castiel notes the use of past tense. It's obvious Dean's brother meant a lot to him, and based on the story, he was younger than Dean. It breaks Castiel's heart to think he might be dead. Does bad luck just follow Dean around all of his life? 

Well, not anymore, if he has anything to say about that.

He wonders what should he say, but Dean doesn't look like he's waiting for any comment. He takes one of the sandwiches and starts munching on it. 

'Which album is it?' Castiel asks, changing the subject. Dean perks up even more. 

'Oh, Master of Reality,' he replies. 'Black Sabbath. Nothing can beat Paranoid, but this one's good too. I think there's one song you'd like on there, alpha.' 

'So far it sounds nice all the way,' Castiel says, and it does. It's so different from everything he listens to and he also wouldn't have predicted it would be something Dean would enjoy; discovering that the omega likes hard rock in addition to horror movies is yet another surprise. Dean's so sweet and subdued, those things don't seem to fit him, but once Castiel gets a glimpse beyond the facade... well. He remembers again the alpha from the shop, knocked out on the floor. And Dean standing by the shelves... dangerous, confident, with his fists balled up and ready to keep fighting. Castiel felt so proud. Aroused, too, which was completely unexpected, but mostly amazed. He feels honored to be the one who gets to see the real Dean, under the layers of fear and submissiveness that was beaten into him. 

He loves discovering him. He loves the pull that he feels whenever he looks at Dean's face when he forgets himself a little and lets out a smile, a laugh, or shares something and his eyes light up, and he looks so lively.

'So can I?'

Castiel blinks at his coffee and looks up. Dean's waiting for some answer.

'I'm sorry, I drifted off for a moment.'

'I just asked if I can use the Internet today, like we talked?' Dean repeats carefully, watching him with hope. 

'Yes, of course. There's a laptop in my study, can you bring it over here?'

'Sure!' Dean practically sprints there, leaving the ice on the table, and Castiel eats first of the sandwiches, waiting for him. He really needs to properly wake up. 

Dean brings the laptop and opens it, and Castiel shows him how to open Google. Then tells Dean exactly how to look for things and introduces him to the most popular websites.

'Yeah, I've seen YouTube on TV,' he says. 'And what about Facebook? You can find people there, right?' 

His voice sounds a little off, a little desperate and apprehensive. He must be feeling uncertain about his small technology knowledge. Castiel doesn't want him to feel inferior or undereducated. 

'I can explain everything, just ask,' he assures Dean. 'I know this is new. Luckily, I am what you could call an expert.' 

He smiles, and Dean's lips curl into a smile as well, though his mind seems to be elsewhere. Maybe this isn't about technology, after all, but then what?

'I'll come back home in the evening, and we can go out. Please, don't overwork yourself.'

'Okay,' Dean agrees, and does something that surprises Castiel. He scoots closer on the bench and leaves a soft, quick kiss on his cheek, and retreats, eyes down. Castiel doesn't let him get away. He pulls Dean closer, embraces him and kisses him long and deep and squeezes him tight until Dean laughs and wiggles in his hold.

'Can't crush me,' he protests, and Castiel lets go, 'You still need your plus one for tonight.'

They look at each other for a moment, Dean's eyes amused and bright. Then, Castiel sighs and gets up. He can't remember when was the last time he wanted to stay at home this badly.

 

 

Dean sees him off to the door, and hands him his briefcase. Castiel makes sure that Dean knows he has to call him anytime anything goes wrong, or when he just wants to talk. He drives to the Zero One district and parks on the underground parking lot. He has his own space with his name painted on the ground. 

He greets the guard, takes the elevator to the tenth floor. Passes by the cubicles of people working and gets into his office. He closes the door and exhales. 

The office is a little depressing. He's gotten it five years ago, and he's never felt the need to decorate it in any way. He has a big window overlooking the streets, and a desk from fine oak wood, a cabinet and a couch. It's all very distinguished, but it's empty, and the gray walls only make it seem more claustrophobic. 

Usually, he doesn't mind. Usually he just sits down and focuses on his work straight away, like a robot. It's good not to think about his (non-existent) personal life, about most of his family that he's left behind, about the reason why he did. 

Today, for the first time, he yearns to be somewhere else, and to go out. That's new; he's never been keen on leaving the house, but with Dean, he never knows what to expect, and the omega makes everything more interesting. He gets excited about so many regular things, and it's endearing, even though it's sad that he didn't have access to them. And, all of it makes him realize how isolated he has been. He still feels awful about not noticing the No Omegas sign at that cafe; he can't imagine how humiliating it must feel to not be let inside only because of someone's designation. Though admittedly, it is not the worst thing that happens to omegas because of their designation.

He unpacks his work laptop. He's so glad he and Dean manage to make things work, at least for now. He knows he's not good with omegas, and he hoped he would never have to actively be around them, not after... Not after what happened in the first place. But instead of feeling horrible, when Dean smiles at him or gets better thanks to _him_ , Castiel just feels... he feels like maybe he's making up for the things he's done. 

A knock on the door, and it's Charlie. She never cares about the work hierarchy difference between them; she barges in and shuts the door behind her.

'So?' she asks excitedly. She looks fresh and happy, as per usual, in a colorful T-shirt with a logo of some game or movie on it. Dean would probably recognize it, Castiel thinks. 

'We're doing good,' Castiel replies, shrugging. 

She crosses her arms, her blue eyes sparkling.

'Gonna need some more details, dude! Dean sounds amazing. I think...' she trails off, sounding a little unsure. She sighs and leans on Castiel's desk. He sits down and resigns himself to a talk. 'I think he's gonna be good for you. I don't mean to cross any lines here, but we're all sad to see you so lonely all the time.'

'We?'

'Me, Benny, Garth, Jody... even Becky, and you know how I feel about her,' she rolls her eyes. Castiel frowns, disbelieving.

'You... talk about me? Am I to look at it as an intervention?'

'Well, it's not, cause it's not like we sent Dean to your door. We weren't sure... I mean, people talk, you know? We all agree you're a decent guy, and we'd just like to see you happy. When you first got the news about being picked for the marriage thing... I mean, I was worried. You know I was, knowing your past and all.'

'I hope the rest of the team doesn't know it too,' Castiel says dryly, and regrets it as soon as Charlie's face hardens and she backs away a little. 'No, look, I apologize. I trust you, Charlie, I know you wouldn't...'

He looks away. He doesn't know what's the matter with him. 

'I know you've had it rough, but it doesn't give you the right to be an asshole,' Charlie tells him sternly. 

'I'm sorry,' Castiel says, staring at his closed laptop. 'I don't know what's going on with me.'

Charlie sighs, defeated. 

'Nothing's wrong with you. It's a big adjustment. It's not only getting a partner, but also an omega. I told you it's special.'

'Yes, I seem to understand that now,' Castiel rubs his forehead, trying to find words to explain it to her. 'I just... I'm sorry I'm making you listen to all of my issues. Things are going well, and a great deal of it is because of your advice.' 

That's enough, that says it all. He clears his throat and opens the laptop, cowardly hoping she'll leave.

She doesn't.

'Castiel, you're my friend. I have this job thanks to you. You helped me out when Dorothy was heartbroken over that trip we couldn't make, and who knows how many times more. Just cause you act like a dick once or twice, it's not gonna scare me away.'

Castiel looks up. She has that earnest look on her face that reminds him of Dean for a split second, when he tries to convince him of something. Like last night, when he told him that he thinks Castiel's interesting.

'Talk to me.'

'I don't have anyone else to confide in, to ask about this,' Castiel admits, his shoulders slumping. He knows he has been lonely for years, but ironically, Dean's insistent, overwhelming presence makes him really realize it. He was good at pretending he didn't need anyone else.

'That's fine. You have me, and I'll listen,' Charlie convinces him. Her gaze is steady and honest, and Castiel gives in.

'Yesterday, an alpha attacked Dean,' he says. 'And Dean handled it. I was gone for a few minutes, and Dean had his collar on, yet it happened.'

'I'm sorry,' Charlie's scent turns bitter and sad. 'You can try to scent mark him. It helps sometimes. Some alphas can't stand the stench of another alpha.'

Castiel doesn't know how to do that, he's never really heard of it. He knows it's one of the alpha-omega things, which starts to sound like an enormous taboo subject, something only the chosen, truly bonded mates can explore.

'I always get Dorothy to carry some pepper spray on her, too. Is Dean alright?'

'Yes, he was... he hit that man, knocked most of his teeth out. When I arrived, the alpha was on the floor, spitting out blood-'

'The Dean I was talking to? He did that?' Charlie can't seem to keep the incredulous tone out of her voice. 

'Exactly,' says Castiel. 'It was very unexpected.'

'And what, you think he could be dangerous?'

Oh. That's never crossed Castiel's mind before. 

'No,' he assures her. 'No, I know Dean wouldn't hurt me. It wasn't like that. If he could hurt anyone, he'd have taken care of his previous alpha years ago. It's not like he enjoys getting violent, he's very sweet. It's just... it felt so good to see that he knows how to protect himself. That he's that strong, a-and I-' he blushes, and Charlie smirks, and she _knows._

'You've got the hots for him! That's awesome. Well, everyone likes a strong man,' she stops, and frowns, 'Though not everyone likes a strong omega. Their loss!'

'It's not... you are correct, but...'

How is he supposed to say it? 

'I think it's what you call going alpha on someone,' he tells her slowly, dragging each word out painfully.

'And that's a problem cause?'

'I've never done this before. I need... control, Charlie, especially with someone like Dean, I don't want to scare him. Or- or hurt him... I'd never forgive myself if he got hurt because of me.'

Charlie's instantly sympathetic, and she comes over and puts a hand on his shoulder. He's grateful for the contact. He still remembers the frantic way Dean tried to take off his collar, just cause he wanted to get out of the house so badly. He wanted to get some fresh air so much that he was willing to risk getting assaulted. Only because he thought Castiel wanted this, and he would've done that for him. How long had Alastair had to beat him to make him change into someone like that? Someone so terrified of angering an alpha that they would get rid of the only thing protecting them? 

Dean's giving up so much everyday, all the time when he's around Castiel. And most of it seems to be enforced by society, but... Castiel's thought most omegas enjoyed obeying alphas, and not did it out of fear. It was supposed to be in their nature. 

'You won't hurt him.'

Charlie sounds stern as she says that, and entirely sure of it. 

'It happens to all of us alphas who have an actual bond with their omegas. That's why it's so good to be bonded with your mate. It lets you feel things a different way. More intensively. And it doesn't mean you'll lose control. That's just some more of the bullshit they spread around so they can get nasty and not even question it.'

Castiel's silent. He remembers how he felt a sudden need to grab Dean, kiss him, touch him in the kitchen yesterday. Dean seemed taken aback and a little frightened. But then... then, he initiated it. Looking back, Castiel thinks it wasn't him who scared him, but the memory of the attacker.

'Does Dean enjoy it?'

'I think so,' Castiel shrugs. 'Sometimes he doesn't tell me everything. But he kisses me a lot. It's very... very pleasant.'

Charlie laughs. 

'I bet,' she pats his arm and moves away. 'Look, you got this. Let yourself go alpha on him. I promise it's a good thing. Omegas usually respond to it.' 

Castiel thinks back to the shower, and to how he got angry at Dean for calling himself a freak. The omega's beautiful and so, so good for him, and he wants him to know that. Dean's submission is a gift, but he seems to be the first one to try and explain it to Dean. Maybe it is unorthodox, but that's how it's gonna be between them. An exchange. A balance. If Dean gives something, Castiel is gonna give back. And it's more than that, too... he wants Dean to be himself. He wants him to be comfortable and allow himself to like the things he likes. Because while he's already a perfect omega, Castiel finds that the _person_ Dean really is is enthralling, special, and he's taken with him, and he longs to know him more. 

'I see you got a lot to think about, but don't _over_ think it,' Charlie tells him. 'I didn't expect you to be doing this well, to be honest.'

Castiel snorts.

'Thank you,' but it's sarcastic, and not offensive like before. 'I am surprised too. It is a lot of work on Dean's part, as well. He has such a good heart. He... cares about me. And not only because he's been taught to.'

Charlie nods with a light smile.

'I know. When I called yesterday, he was nervous as hell, but he did his best to help you out. And I think he just really likes your company.'

This again. Castiel can understand Dean liking him because he doesn't hurt him and lets him use things that were previously inaccessible. But because of his personality? Castiel doesn't think so. He knows he's weird.

'I appreciate all your help, Charlie,' he says wholeheartedly. 'I think Dean would like to meet you, one day. He did say that you 'sounded cool'.'

'Hell yeah,' Charlie grins. 'Guy has good taste. Alright, wrap it up, we need to get the meeting going.'

Castiel groans.

'This early?'

'My project's blocked because of what Garth did, you need to fix this.'

 

 

A couple hours later, during a long afternoon, the whole team's sitting around the big conference table, laptops open, and codes. Castiel takes out his lunch box and hopes Dean's made him the peanut butter sandwiches; he's liked them since forever. Sure enough, that's what he gets, and the crust cut off too. As he eats it, he notices a yellow post-it note at the bottom of the box. It says 'have a good day at work! :)' and it makes him freeze mid-bite, his heart flooded with warmth. He slowly peels it off and holds it up. He imagines Dean writing the message back when he was asleep. Was he nervous about it? Was he shy? He wishes he could kiss him right now. 

It makes him even more excited for tonight's dinner. He's gonna make it so good for Dean-

'Aww,' he hears to his right and quickly balls up the note and hides it in his pocket. Garth's next to him. 'Dude, that's so sweet.'

'Yes,' he clears his throat, uncomfortable. He imagines that's what it would feel like at school, getting notes from someone he'd be infatuated with. Garth's never been the one to know and honor personal boundaries. 

'So, what's he like? I already know he's all gooey for you, man, that's awesome,' Garth grins and sits down next to him. Castiel stifles a sigh.

'Yes, Dean is an incredible mate,' he replies, trying to keep it short. 

'Hey, I'm happy for you. I only hook up with betas, nothing permanent, hombre, but it's nice to see someone be so in looove...' he winks at Castiel and Castiel drowns in exasperation. 

'Thank you,' he replies, forcing himself to remain polite. 'However I think saying that I'm in love is a bit of an exaggeration.'

'My radar love disagrees,' Garth sits down next to Castiel and he feels a surge of murderous need to slam his head into something and knock himself out of the conversation. Garth's nice and a good worker, and a good man; but he can be annoying and has no concept of leaving someone alone. 'Seriously, man, you smile. You actually smile, a lot, and I've never seen you smile before.'

'What are you talking about? I do smile. Occasionally,' Castiel feels offended and looks up at the other people in the room. Benny gives him a wince and shrugs.

'Sorry, brother,' he says, not sounding very apologetic.

'He smiles when he's with me! Y'all just don't give him any reasons to,' Charlie says from behind her laptop. 

' _Everyone_ smiles when they're around you, girl, you're a damn ray of sunshine,' Benny drawls, and Charlie gives him a stink eye.

'Such a flirt, Gumbo Man,' she replies, clipped, and Benny laughs. Castiel likes them a lot. So many years together and they can still all bicker like they're in high school. He doesn't have many acquaintances, but these people are a solid team and he's glad to be a part of it. Its leader.

'It's been a month, Castiel, you're gonna take him out to dinner or what?' asks Jody, taking off her glasses and massaging her temples. She's slightly older than Castiel and usually ignores their chats, focused on her work. Castiel knows she's not only competent, but also has a kind heart, even though she often pretends to be bitter and grumpy.

'That is the plan, yes,' he says, uncomfortable with the attention. He doesn't talk about his private life, ever. He enjoys listening to their stories and chatting with them, but he prefers to stay silent and take care of programming. 

'Well, have fun. Bring him over someday so we can all meet him.'

Castiel's thought about it, but he thinks it's too early. Maybe when Dean feels more secure. Considering how overwhelming the mall was for him... The conversation ends and everyone focuses on work again. Castiel's aware of Garth by his side, but the man seems to be coding, so he looks for a restaurant to visit with Dean. He finds a couple. His pick ends up being a fancy looking Blue Moon, which composes of a big dining room, its most prominent feature being a diamond chandelier hanging heavy over the white-clad tables and a live band playing the piano. Most importantly, it claims to be omega friendly. Castiel makes a reservation online and checks his phone, but still no messages or calls from Dean. He hopes his mate is resting.

 

When he leaves, it's a little early, and he has to make one stop on the way - the shopping center from yesterday. It is a celebration, after all, so it's appropriate to bring a gift. He hopes he's not mistaken and Dean will enjoy what he buys for him. Sometimes it's hard to take his reactions to things for what they really are. 

He arrives home just shy of six. He kind of expects Dean to be huddled on the couch, asleep, but he finds him kneeling in front of the door, instead. He forgot to tell him he doesn't need to do this anymore.

'Hello, alpha,' Dean says and it sounds cheerful, even though he has his head down and is staring at the floor.

'Hello,' Castiel replies and steps inside quickly, lifts Dean by his arm, just like that fateful day when he was so sick. It feels like it was ages ago, now, but in reality, only a couple of days have passed. Dean gets the hint and stands up. He's smiling, his green eyes sparkling. He looks different, and for a moment Castiel can't pinpoint it, until he realizes; the previously flattened hair that was adorably covering some of his forehead is now styled, in small spikes, combed mostly upwards and a little to the side. He's also wearing one of the new shirts, a dark-grey mottled one with long sleeves that he's rolled up a little. One jagged scar is peaking out of the sleeve, but Dean doesn't seem to notice. He has his new jeans on, even the sneakers, and Castiel realizes he's forgotten to buy him shoes. At least they got more underwear and socks in the grocery shop. 

'You look very nice,' Castiel compliments him, and it's true. It's different than Dean's usual domestic look. 

'Thank you,' Dean replies, blushing mildly, and then there it is - he traces the scar self-consciously, and asks timidly. 'Do you like it? I can go change, I'm just- I've never celebrated anything like that, before.'

'I love it,' Castiel smiles approvingly and sees him relax a little. 'You look very handsome.'

'I- I have something for you, before we go,' Dean confesses. He smells nervous, now. Castiel frowns. He got him a gift, too? He hopes the omega didn't feel pressured to do so.

'It's just a small- it's a small gift,' Dean rambles, leaving him to go get a box from the living room. 'I don't know what you like, and I didn't have much money to spend but uh - I just wanted to get you something.'

He hands Castiel the box, his hands shaking. Castiel thinks he's embarrassed about how scared he is, but he can smell the faint scent of fear making its way through the room, so he quickly accepts the box. 

'Thank you, honey, you really didn't have to,' he says gently, and watches Dean who's standing so close but is suddenly tense. 

'I wanted to,' Dean replies softly. It sounds honest.

Castiel notices the box is the shoe box that the sneakers came in. It must show on his face when he glances at Dean's feet, because Dean's blush darkens and he looks at the floor.

'I didn't have any nice boxes- ' he mumbles. 

'You're very resourceful,' Castiel interrupts him. 'It's a virtue, Dean, not a vice.'

He hopes the omega gets it, but Dean looks up at him, surprised, and says, 'Okay,' and Castiel takes the lid off. The box is filled with bundled up pages from a magazine he often gets in the mail, and in the middle, there's a black ceramic travel mug with a white rubber lid. It looks basic until Castiel sees what's near the bottom - a small vibrant yellow bee. He stares at it for a moment, stricken, feeling his heart tighten in his chest. He picks up the mug. This - this is _his._ Someone has gotten him a gift. He doesn't remember the last time someone did. The omega noticed what he likes. He went out and got him something so thoughtful, somehow, and still thought Castiel would get mad about it. He wanted to make him happy and put so much effort into it. 

The same omega that is currently freaking out, mistaking his silence for disappointment.

'I can return it-' Dean starts saying, fervently, making a move to grab the box. 'I know it was a stupid idea, I'm sorry-'

'No,' Castiel hugs the mug to his chest. 'I-' he laughs, it's a watery sound, and wipes a hand over his eyes. He doesn't know when he started tearing up, and he really shouldn't, but he did. Probably what really worried the omega. 'It's perfect, Dean, I love it. I just - I'm not used to receiving gifts. I can't believe you remembered exactly what I like. It's - I love it.'

'Oh,' Dean says, relaxing a fraction. A small smile makes its way onto his face. 'Really? Cause you're - I mean-'

'I promise you I don't usually cry when I see beverage containers,' Castiel chuckles, putting it on the coffee table. 'I didn't expect it, but it's perfect. Thank you.'

Dean smiles broadly now, and the scent of fear dissipates, one of satisfaction taking its place.

'Where did you get it? How did you manage to do it in such a short time?' Castiel asks, impressed. He has no idea. Previously, when Dean paid for the rug cleaners, he took it out of their cleaning supplies budget, promising to use the remaining ones. Castiel has a feeling he wouldn't have just taken the grocery money to buy the present. 

'I found the design online, it was in a shop not far away from here,' Dean explains, shifting from one foot to another. 'I noticed you never took the coffee from home to your work, and you probably have another mug there, or a whole machine, I don't know, but - it's just what I came up with. And I know you have the tech company deliver you tech mags every weekend, cause I gotta pay them 15 dollars everytime. So, I hope you don't mind... I went there and picked it up myself, ahead of next week. So I saved up and I could afford the gift. I really hope it's okay, but if not, I can work it off in any other way.'

He squares his shoulders saying that, as if preparing for a fight, and Castiel is once again hit by how brave and smart his omega is. It was a big risk for him and Castiel's sure he wouldn't have done anything like that just days ago. He hopes it means Dean's starting to trust him. 

'Of course it's alright, but Dean, you could've just taken the grocery money. I really don't mind, I want you to buy things you need, too. It's far away, the tech company, how did you-'

'I didn't mind a walk. And it's a gift, I shouldn't use your money. Don't feel right,' Dean protests quietly. 

Castiel's still astonished hearing about the detailed plan Dean's carried out. They have to work out the money thing later on, but for now, he turns around and picks up a paper bag he brought from the shop. 

'I have something for you, too,' he says. Dean's legitimately surprised, his eyes widen.

'You've already given me so many things, alpha.'

'Yes, but we're celebrating today, and I want to spoil you,' Castiel tells him the truth, and it feels good, because Dean blushes again, and he's smiling bashfully. He takes the bag from him and opens it, and the outrageous price was worth it, when he sees Dean stare at the blanket amazed and then his face splits into the biggest grin Castiel's seen yet.

'No way!' Dean exclaims, disbelieving, and takes it out. He touches the patterns reverently, his eyes shining so brightly, and Castiel can't help but match his grin. The scent of Dean's happiness is overwhelming and it's so good, Castiel wishes he could inhale it forever. He opens his mouth to say something but is cut off when he suddenly finds his arms full of a very happy omega. Dean almost knocks him over with the force of the hug, and wraps his arms around him tightly. 

'Thank you so much,' he says into Castiel's neck, and pulls away. He opens the blanket, holds it up, and it turns out to be easily bed-sized. 

'It's so big,' Dean gasps in wonder, and Castiel laughs fondly. Dean glances back at him and worries his lip between his teeth before saying shyly: 'I like pretty things, sometimes.'

'I know,' he replies, not sure why is that a problem, but Dean looks as if he's told him some huge secret. It reminds Castiel of when he admitted that he liked sweet drinks, too. 

'Are we leaving already?' Dean asks, and he's startled out of his thoughts.

'Yes, but first I'd like to change into something more comfortable.'

He means the suit. He leaves Dean downstairs and takes a ridiculously long time trying to find some lavish clothes. He has none. He ends up putting on a light blue shirt, similar to Dean's, and black pants. He doesn't have too many ties, but picks a dark blue one, hoping it will fit well enough. He combs his hair and washes his teeth, even uses mouthwash; he really hopes to kiss Dean a lot tonight. He stops by the bedside drawer where he knows the lube is, and considers it. He's not planning to go anywhere else but the restaurant, but who knows what's going to happen. The thought of Dean sprawled in the backseat of his car comes to his mind, unbidden. Debauched, his hair a mess, eyes shiny, cheeks flushed. Panting, his new shirt pulled up, showing his stomach, and his pants down to his knees, with a damp spot spreading in the front and the back of his underwear... Dean saying _please, alpha_ in that helpless, timid way of his... pushing his hips up, seeking some friction, and Castiel above him, holding him down, one hand across his chest, the other sliding down to finally cup his cute little cock. He'd use his mouth on Dean and Dean could come apart in the backseat, with windows fogged up, moaning Castiel's name, finally getting the pleasure he deserves. Then, maybe, if the omega still felt like it, he could take Castiel in his hand and touch him so curiously, so lightly like before in the shower, and Castiel could come just from the wondering and sated look on Dean's face, come all over his nice clothes, his belly, mark his mate-

The lube stays, Castiel decides sternly, ignoring his cock that's become uncomfortably stiff in his pants. He feels like a teenager again and takes a few deep breaths to calm himself down. He'd love to give Dean pleasure in the car, or at home, or anywhere - but they're still at the start of their relationship, and he can't rush things. It's going to take longer than that before Dean ever lets him put his mouth anywhere near his private parts. But he knows it's going to be worth the wait. 

For now, no sex. Only at home, where he can control the situation, and where Dean is completely comfortable and safe. 

He steps downstairs, and Dean's already put his collar on, and waits by the door. His eyes grow wide when he sees Castiel and he shifts where he's standing.

'You look classy, alpha,' he says, dazed, and Castiel thinks he can smell a tiny bit of arousal, but maybe it's just all the steamy scenarios he's imagined minutes before. 

'Thank you,' he smiles and takes Dean's hand. 

They drive in silence, the sky beginning to darken. Dean's holding one of his CDs. 

'I thought we could listen to it, on the way back,' he shrugs apologetically, putting it in the glove compartment. 

'Of course,' Castiel agrees. He thinks his omega must be nervous about dinner.

The restaurant is luxurious. A valet escorts Castiel's car, which is something he's really not used to, and when they step inside, he feels underdressed. They make their way through a baroque hall on the lush red carpet and reach the waiter that asks for their name and leads them to their table. Castiel feels more and more uneasy, as they're sat under the huge chandelier, glowing in the light. There's a lot of people around, chattering, all of them wearing either elegant suits or exquisite dresses. The piano can be heard in the distance. At least no one's made a fuss about Dean. 

A couple - an alpha and a beta, both dressed in sophisticated outfits - arrive in the room and the waiter announces their names loudly. Everyone pauses eating and talking and starts clapping. Castiel looks around, bemused. The ritual is repeated for the next newcomers, as well. It appears that the surnames of those people mean a lot to others. This is unlike any other restaurant he's ever been to, but it reminds him of something. Of a life he tries to forget, of banquets his mother had organized, of greeting members of well-prospering families and treating them as if they had achieved everything there was to achieve. Of glorifying people who did nothing but cheat to get what they want, to build their empires on the suffering of others. 

'I didn't know you were so rich.'

Castiel tears his eyes away from the live band - a group of elderly, obviously expert men in smocks - and looks at his mate. Dean doesn't look happy anymore, he looks overwhelmed and out of place, taking everything in. For the first time in a while, it feels like sitting there with a stranger.

'I'm not,' Castiel replies awkwardly. 'I think I did not research this place properly enough.'

'Do you want to leave?' Dean asks instantly. He must feel guilty again, as if it's his fault that Castiel didn't prepare.

'No,' Castiel assures him quickly. 'The meals should be delicious in a place like this, at least.'

Dean gives him a strained smile and nods. Castiel's not sure what's wrong. It might be the fact that they're both the least expensive dressed people in the room. Dean stands out the most, still too thin and pale. But somehow... he doesn't peg Dean as someone who would get so nervous about not being on a particular society level. He looks around to see if there are other omegas present. He sees some people in collars, and then... oh. 

Some omegas are kneeling next to the tables. It's not obvious from where he's sitting, most are hidden from his view. It looks degrading, but upon closer examination, he notices that alphas' or betas' hands wander down from time to time with pieces of food. At least there's nothing abusive happening. Still, it makes him feel wrong. He's seen it before, but maybe once or twice only, but here they act like it's a habit, an everyday thing. It might be that the omegas truly enjoy it. They're not being hurt and their mates are rich, yet... it feels far from comfortable.

In the same time, there are omegas seated on chairs, just like Dean. 

The waiter brings them heavy leather menus. Dean picks up an unidentified piece of cutlery and studies it, frowning. It looks like a short metal rod split at the end. He looks lost, as if the whole situation is foreign to him. It probably is.

Castiel starts to think this was a horrible idea. He opens the menu, and suddenly _knows_ it was a horrible idea.

Even water costs more than his regular everyday dinner. He flips through the pages, doing a double take at the price of main courses. That's almost his weekly salary. 

Dean's painfully quiet, reading the menu options slowly, and Castiel's close to panicking. He's promised him this dinner but they're not having a good time at all, and he can't afford to buy meals for them both. He could _technically,_ but he'd be out of money soon, and he still needs to pay for so many things regarding Dean. And the bills, and everything... but how is he supposed to call it all off? He's going to disappoint Dean so much...

'Alpha? You okay?' Dean leans forward, concerned, and Castiel realizes his nerves must either show or it must be in his smell. 

'Yes. Dean, I-' he hesitates, scared to say the wrong thing. But it's not good to come up with excuses, not in this case. 'These prices, they exceed my resources.'

'Oh,' Dean breathes out, and it sounds very relieved instead of upset. Castiel frowns as Dean lets out a weak chuckle. 'These prices are insane. I thought it was standard for you, or something-'

'It is very much not a standard for me,' admits Castiel, dropping his eyes. 'Had I known, I'd never have brought you here. I cannot seem to find a fitting place for us to enjoy.'

He's frustrated with himself; all this planning, and the promising start of their evening, only to end up like this. 

'Hey, that's okay. I mean, A for effort, am I right?' Dean appears to be cheerful, like some weight was lifted off his chest, but Castiel doesn't return the smile, choosing to stare at him gloomily instead. He wishes he knew how to do it well. Why is it so hard? 'I'm serious, this place is something else, and I mean... you booked it for me. It looks like a palace or something. That's... people don't usually rate me that high.'

Castiel hates the self-deprecating comment. 

'I wish I had enough money to treat you to a meal here, Dean,' he says, and means it. 

'I don't,' Dean snorts. 'I mean, it's all posh and everything, but not really my crowd, you know? Kind of... pretentious.'

Castiel's eyes widen at the unabashed review. This might be the most honest thing Dean's said all day. 

'I just mean...' Dean continues, seeming to realize that he's spoken so freely and trying to backtrack. 'No food's worth this much money. I thought I'd just eat a cheeseburger, I don't even know what half of this stuff means. Hors d'oeuvres, that's usually cheesy nachos in my world, not-' he trails off, trying to pronounce the word in the menu. 'Poolet foy pateh. I mean, I took cooking class and this is still beyond my training.'

He wrinkles his nose adorably, going down the list of appetizers, mouthing the words. The change in his behavior is striking; he seems almost happy that they're not going to eat here. Castiel can't understand it.

'Can you tell me why were you so unhappy about being here?' he asks bluntly. Sometimes the blunt approach might be the best one... he hopes.

'What? I wasn't,' Dean protests instantly, looking back at him apprehensively. 'I swear, I'm super thankful you took me here, alpha-'

'Please do not lie to me,' Castiel interrupts him. 'I'm not angry, I promise you. I just want to understand.'

There's a moment of silence, Dean playing with the weird fork-knife hybrid he's been inspecting before, and Castiel almost thinks he's not going to answer, and almost feels bad for asking at all.

'I don't fit in here,' Dean blurts out suddenly, ducking his head. 'I've never... even before Alastair, I was never rich or anything. Some days we barely got by. And I thought... I thought maybe you weren't showing it, but a place like this, you had to be loaded. So... I really like it here, with you, I told you. And I wanna stay. But I thought if this is where you go when you go out... I ain't like that,' he shrugs helplessly, trying to explain, and Castiel tries to comprehend. His heart beats faster when he hears that Dean thinks about their life together, long-term. 'I'd say the wrong things in polite company, I always do. And I'd embarrass you. But also...' he takes a deep breath, and Castiel hopes he won't stop himself from continuing. 'I don't know, it makes me mad, rich people spending so much money on shit like that. All this "how do you do, dear", fake smiles, the freaking piano-' he gestures to the band and Castiel actually laughs out loud at his frustration. Dean smiles hesitantly and calms down a little. 'It's all so disconnected from reality. I've seen how real gritty life can be, and I don't like it when people pretend it's not.'

Castiel listens to him and feels something swell in his chest, feels excitement bubbling up inside him. For the first time - maybe ever - he feels understood.

'Anyway,' in the meantime, Dean shrugs and clears his throat. 'Thanks for letting me say what I really think. Alphas don't usually appreciate-'

'I agree with you,' Castiel tells him fervently, and Dean blinks and stops mid-sentence, surprised. 'I also detest the entitlement of people in positions of power.'

'Oh,' Dean says slowly, baffled, 'Okay-'

'My family was very rich and entitled,' Castiel continues, and he can't believe he's really saying it, but suddenly, he can't stop himself. His mate listens intently, his head cocked to the side, apparently not expecting the confession. Then again, Castiel didn't expect it either. 'I had to follow a set of rules regarding most meetings, even family interactions, sometimes. There was little affection in the household. Some things were not spoken about, and some things only existed the way my elders believed them to be.'

He knows bitterness is seeping into his scent and into his voice, but he can't help it. He's not said it in years. Dean's watching him with his green, curious eyes, completely focused, and Castiel almost caves and tells him the whole truth, but he can't. It would ruin everything. 

'So what, like, full on Corleone action? Family is everything but one wrong word and you're cut off? You gotta respect the old ways, carry on the legacy?' Dean says finally, after Castiel's quiet for a while.

Castiel blinks.

'Well, we were not Italian,' he replies with a crooked smile, hoping to turn this into a joke. Dean huffs out a perplexed laugh, as if he can't believe Castiel's sense of humor. 

'I can't imagine. With me, it was pretty much the opposite. I mean...' he frowns for a moment. 'Well, my dad had some rules we had to follow. And he had some things he believed in, so I believed in them too.' He seems troubled by his memories and a while passes before he focuses back on the conversation. 'But there wasn't anything luxurious about it. Your life sounds like from another century. Or like... a cult.' 

'Yes, I do not miss it,' Castiel agrees. 'I do not carry on the traditions of my family.'

Indeed, he doesn't. He devoted his life to making sure he'd never end up like them. He knows he must still look shaken, because Dean holds out his arm under the table and taps his knee until Castiel grabs the offered hand.

'Thanks for telling me,' he says. 'If you ever wanna tell me more, I'll listen.'

This omega is too good for him. At first he's thought he didn't deserve being burdened with taking care of someone abused, but nowadays he's leaning towards the idea that he doesn't deserve Dean, because the omega is just perfect. 

Castiel clears his throat. 

'I don't think it's polite to leave without ordering anything,' he says reluctantly, staring back at the open menu.

'I thought we didn't care about polite,' Dean questions, quirks an eyebrow at him. It's playful and a little rebellious, and Castiel loves it. _We._

'We don't,' Castiel agrees after a moment of consideration. 'But I am hungry. How about we pick something affordable together, and tell them it's take away? We'll get something more substantial on our way home.'

This is not how he predicted this night to go, and he's still disappointed. Though Dean seems to be having a good time, now, and wasn't that the aim? 

'Okay,' the omega says, a little excited, and moves his chair to sit right next to Castiel. A lady dressed in a sparkly red gown frowns at them in distaste when Dean's chair makes a small scraping sound, but no one corrects them. Castiel supposes if they're all paying so much for being here, everyone is authorized to bend the rules a little.

They both flip through the pages, Dean's hand still gripping Castiel's tightly. He loves being so close to his omega. They end up choosing some pastry called 'Mille Feuille', mostly because they agree they'd like to try something sweet. There's supposed to be four of them and the price is still high, but Castiel can pay for that. He asks the waiter to pack it to go which earns him a raised eyebrow, but no further comments. They receive the pretty paper container and leave the money on the table, with no tip. Castiel feels a little bad about it, but he's already paying through his nose. 

They leave and Castiel wonders what should they do now. He can't help feeling defeated; it's not an evening he wanted to spend at home, as much as he enjoys it from time to time. They stand next to each other waiting for the valet to bring their car around. The wind has turned a bit colder, but it's still fairly warm outside, and Dean wraps a hesitant arm around him, leaning into his side. 

'What do you wanna do now?' he asks. Castiel sighs.

'I suppose we're going to have to come back home, order something on the road.'

Dean's quiet for a moment, before he says:

'We can go out without going anywhere fancy,' he pauses. 'We could just get some cheap takeout and park somewhere nice and quiet, and we could eat there. In the car or on the bench or wherever. I don't have to go anywhere special, as long as...'

He trails off and shrugs, and puts his head on Castiel's shoulder.

'As long as?' Castiel prods, resting his cheek on Dean's hair. 

'Long as it's with you,' Dean finishes shyly. 

Castiel can't hide his flushed face, he can't hide how happy Dean's confession makes him. 

'You'd really be alright with that? Something as simple, just eating greasy food in the car?' 

'Mhm,' Dean nods. 'Ain't simple to me, really. Not done that in... well, probably twenty years.'

'We could listen to your CD,' Castiel muses, and that makes Dean pull away and look at him with something indescribable in his eyes. 

'I...' Dean stops. He stares at him a moment more. Castiel has no idea what he's trying to say, but it's obvious whatever he's said has moved his omega. 'That sounds real fuckin wonderful, actually.'

'Great,' Castiel smiles. 'I'm not quite ready to go back home just yet.'

'What's your favourite takeout? Do you like burgers?' Dean asks enthusiastically, and Castiel can see gears turning in his head. 'Cause if so, I know just the place we can go to. I mean, if you still like fast food. But you did say you lived on it for years, so you've gotta have some favourites, right?'

'I do enjoy cheeseburgers a great deal,' Castiel reveals. 'I know they're not the most healthy meal out there, but they can be delicious.' 

'Cool!' Dean says, grinning. 'You can drive by a burger joint, I've been to the same ones before. I don't think they've changed much over the years. And then we can drive somewhere nice. I don't know, a patch of grass with a view, the park, wherever.'

Castiel thinks and says:

'I have a place in mind.'

The car arrives and they get inside, and Dean is still so happy next to him. 

He thinks if they try, they might still manage to turn this evening around.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> cas's pov, for a change! and some of his mysterious past unravels... this time im limiting myself to fitting one day in two (2) chapters instead of... five. maybe it'll work out!
> 
> curious to hear what you think! as always, thanks for all the comments and kudos.


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> timeline: same day as previous chapter (day 6, 05/02).

Castiel pulls up to the drive-through line and they both stare at the illuminated menu boards. There's not many people around, so they take their time. 

'Alpha,' Dean says. It looks like the menu and the specials haven't changed much over the years, and he knows just what's good. 'Can I go inside and order? I'll get us the _best_ stuff.'

Castiel turns around to him and frowns a little. Dean knows he's looking at his collar. He's afraid to let him go alone.

'I wanna surprise you,' Dean adds. This, he can do. Years on the road equal years of experience in choosing junk food that is less junk and more food. The restaurant's neon sign calls to Dean, gives him comfort. Who knows how many of these has he visited back when he was with dad and Sam. 'I know how to shop on a budget. Just name the price and I promise I'll come back bearing burgers and change.'

Castiel stalls just a moment more, but eventually he pulls over and parks. He takes out his wallet and hands it to Dean, complete trust in his eyes.

'You can just give me the bills-' Dean starts. All of alpha's documents are inside. It shouldn't bother him as much as it does, cause he lives in the man's _house_ , if he wanted to steal his personal info or rob him he could've done that weeks ago. But that's not the point. The gesture feels oddly domestic. With Castiel, a lot of things are so regular, like him and alpha could actually be equals. Partners. There's also the fact that he doesn't even question Dean. Alastair would warn him, he would grab him by the hair and pull until Dean's scalp screamed in protest, or he would twist his arm behind his back, and he would tell him that if anything's missing, he'll be black and blue for days. 

Castiel just gives him the wallet.

'You don't have to limit yourself, Dean,' he says reluctantly, and Dean has to sniff only once to get the hint of embarrassment in his scent. No, that won't do. His alpha works way too hard to feel bad about this.

'Alpha, there's nothing wrong with wanting to save up,' Dean tells him sternly. Castiel sighs, looking pained.

'Let's say 40 dollars, is that enough to afford it?' he asks slowly.

'Yeah! Too much, even. Okay, be right back!'

Dean gets out of the car before alpha can protest, but he hears him yell:

'Be safe!'

He smiles, warm inside, crossing the road to reach the entrance. He's way more comfortable walking into the burger place than he was back at the fancy Blue Moon. What kind of name was that, anyway? Based on it, he'd sooner expect actual werewolves than the gold dripping interior and a gathering of posh douchebags. When he thought Castiel could turn out to be one of them... well, it was a big disappointment, and what scared him the most was the idea that... that he wouldn't be enough. He felt inferior next to Castiel as it was, and if he would have to be flaunted in front of his rich friends and co-workers later on... he'd never fit in, it would be even more of a challenge to try and not embarrass his alpha than before. And he thought if Castiel accepted such lifestyle, if places like Blue Moon were his kind of places... well, Dean felt... majorly let down when he realized they might never really connect.

But it so wasn't the case. It wasn't, and alpha seemed floored to find out Dean felt like him, and he even shared more about his family. Dean couldn't guess what was the deal there, but it was obvious it was weighing heavy on Castiel. Dean could understand that. His family was always the most important thing to him, so to have it be so distant and weird, that must've been tough. Plus his alpha never even went to normal school... Dean feels surprisingly depressed imagining just how lonely Castiel's entire life has been. And of course, there's also the things he doesn't tell him - the big event that made Castiel lose contact with his family. Maybe it wasn't even an event, maybe it was a stream of shit that has piled up over the years, and made him snap at some point, Dean wonders, grimacing. He did mention that the sauce from the fridge was a gift from his brother, from about a year ago. So either at least one brother was still on the welcome list, or the whole break up happened recently.

Dean has no idea, but he realizes he's standing staring at the big menu hanging on the wall, unseeing, for quite some time. There's not many people inside, but some tables are occupied, and no one really pays attention to him. It's good to be here; the fluorescent lamps, polished white tiles, strikingly red stools, weird funky patterns on the dividers between the tables - a sad attempt to make the place more artistic and less run of the mill fast food chain - it's all so familiar. 

Dean scans the prices and the offers, the menus and the drinks, trying to maximize their haul. He's never been on a romantic burger date like that, and he's a little self-conscious about the idea. He's all too aware that alpha tried to take him somewhere Ritz-y, and his counter offer is to just sit in the car and eat trash food. It sounds like heaven to him, but... shouldn't he have tried harder? He falters a little in his calculations, and frowns. Why the hell is he so worried about alpha _liking_ him all of sudden? What happened to just being useful? To focusing on what he can give, instead of on whether Castiel enjoys his interests?

He's _an alpha_ , that's insane. That shouldn't matter at all.

Dean clenches his fists, remembering his almost-slip-up just minutes ago, the one that almost gave him a heart attack. When they were waiting for the valet, and he proposed to come here, and to chill out in the car, and then alpha... alpha not only agreed, but he also offered to listen to Dean's music. And it was probably a small thing to him, or maybe he was just trying to be nice, but... Dean was just flooded with affection at how easily Castiel guesses what makes him happy. There he was just thinking, add some music to the mix and it would be his dream date, and Castiel just goes and says it out loud, like he's reading his goddamn mind. And Dean has no doubt that he's willing to do it, maybe even wants to do it, and this, on top of all the unrelenting kindness and warmth and sense of humor and how caring he is, Castiel is just so much of everything good, and Dean was overwhelmed by it. So he opened his mouth and said: "I..."

_(love you)_

And he's so, so fucking glad he bit his tongue in the right moment, because what the fuck? Sure, Castiel is great, no second thoughts there, but love... is not something Dean does. That's too much, and it's only been a couple of days, he's just in way over his head. Besides, he only meant it as a grateful, appreciative comment, not as an actual declaration of love. But it would make everything so horribly awkward, and he'd rather spontaneously combust than experience himself saying that. Given his poor brain-mouth filter, he thanks whoever watched over him at that moment that he managed to stop himself for once before he humiliatied himself eternally, and probably fucked up everything good that was going on between them. 

'Hey, kid.'

He jumps and turns around. He's going to spend the rest of the evening in this burger joint, at this rate, overthinking his entire life like a lovestruck teenager. Now, he has a more pressing problem. An older alpha, in his sixties or nearing his seventies, walks up to him. Dean steels himself and gets ready for a fight, instantly resigned to having his nice time ruined by another horny asshole.

'You starin' at that damn menu like you're blind or somethin', you want some coupons? I already had my burger fill for today.'

Dean blinks. Looks at the old man's hand, which is holding a bunch of paper coupons from this place. 

'No strings attached?' he asks distrustfully. The man frowns.

'I like my omegas interested in _me_ , not my discounts,' he replies drily. 'Free o' charge, scout's honor.'

Dean takes it from him gingerly. It's not often alphas try to help him out.

'Use it to get yourself somethin' to eat on the way to your mate, huh?' The man's voice is surly, but his eyes are kind under his thick grey eyebrows. 'You're skin n' bones, kid.'

He turns around and exits, without waiting for a reply, leaving Dean rooted to the spot. So that's what this was about. Some people were simply good like that, and have helped him out with small favors during his time at Alastair's. Be it a cold drink on a hot day, a chocolate bar slipped into his pocket by a pitying clerk, a painkiller from that one beta woman on the bus... They were always Dean's personal angels. He didn't have a chance to tell the man that he has a full-time angel now, and _he_ happens to be his mate. 

Well, he's not one to pass up a good deal. He unfolds the coupons and looks through them. Soon enough, he knows just what to order, and he thinks he's gonna pay around half of what Castiel's given him. He goes to order and his stomach growls when he sits waiting for them to complete it, but it's a slow evening and he gets a huge paper bag in just a couple minutes. He leaves with an easy smile, and sees alpha peering at him through the car window, waiting for him anxiously. Dean grins and gives him a thumbs up. 

When he gets inside the car, Castiel leans forward and he's already made the interior smell like concern.

'You were gone for twenty minutes, I was really worried,' he says. 'Is everything alright?'

'Yeah,' Dean smiles, his seatbelt making a clicking sound. 'Some alpha came over and gave me coupons, so I saved up a lot. Gonna have a real feast.'

'Did the alpha bother you?'

'No, nothin' like that,' Dean promises. 'He was nice, wanted to help out.'

Castiel finally relaxes. His stomach rumbles as well, as the smell of the food reaches him. He starts the car.

'Good,' he says. 'It smells delicious, I can't wait to see what you've picked. I'll drive us to a place where I used to go years ago, I hope you're going to enjoy it.'

'I'm sure I will.'

It doesn't take them long, but Dean's willing to bet they actually leave the city. Castiel drives faster, now, and there's no one else on the road. They don't go far, but climb up and up, speeding up the narrow streets, and Dean gets vertigo from all the turns. There are some houses scattered around at first, but soon, they're on an asphalt road leading to some other, smaller city, and Castiel drives off of it and stops. 

Dean gets out, leaving the door open, and follows his alpha to the edge of the hill. They're way above the city and the view punches the breath out of him; it's beautiful. He can see almost all of it, the glowing, pulsing streets, houses and blocks and skyscrapers, millions of lights and blurry movements of people so distant that they might as well be thousands of miles away. Despite his fear of heights, the steep decline just a few feet away doesn't make him feel queasy. There's a sense of peace, where they are, and he can see the other hills and the woods on one side of the city, and the dark blue sky full of shining stars. They're so bright and there's dozens of them. One can only see stars like these when they're truly out of the urban landscape, and Dean remembers learning their names with dad and Sammy, a long time ago. 

'Do you like it?' Castiel asks, and Dean tears his eyes off of the incredible, wide view. Castiel's not looking at the city or at the stars; he's looking at him. 

'Yeah, it's great,' he says. 'You used to come here?'

'I did,' Castiel nods and strolls back to the car. He takes out the bag with the food and puts it on the hood. Dean wishes they could sit on it but like most modern cars, it curves down and is too short. He misses the Impala more than ever. It would feel great to lay down on her hood with alpha. They would both fit. 

'Do you want to sit on the grass?' Castiel disappears behind the car and opens the trunk. He looks for something and emerges with a thick blanket and a camping lantern. Dean glances around and agrees. There are some bushes near the edge of the hill, but except for that it's just regular, green grass. The road behind them is quiet too, and Dean wonders if anyone is gonna take it, or do they have the place completely to themselves. 

Castiel puts the blanket down, turns on the lantern and brings over the food, but goes back to the car for a moment. Dean doesn't know what's he doing, so he unpacks the containers and boxes in the meantime. He's glad there's plenty of space on the blanket. When he sits down, he can still see the view. 

Suddenly, he hears music - music he knows by heart. He startles and looks back; Castiel's put on his CD and sets the volume high enough that they can listen to it from where they sit, but can also talk uninterrupted. Dean smiles widely at him.

'This is perfect,' he says and he's honest. He couldn't imagine a better date. 'Come eat?'

Castiel joins him on the blanket and takes in all the food.

'You weren't joking about a feast,' he laughs, bewildered. 

'Nope,' Dean beams. 'Okay, so we have cheeseburgers, cause we both like'em - extra onion for me, but if you want to, we can swap - and chili cheese fries, and regular fries, cause I didn't know which ones do you like. Here's some chicken wings, and chicken tenders, and some dips, and I know you like veggies, so just to stay healthy -' he holds up a smaller paper bag with a grin. 'Onion rings!'

He turns around to fish out the drinks from the bottom of the bag, only to flinch when Castiel holds out a hand and puts it on his cheek, gently drawing him back. Dean looks at him searchingly, eyes wide open, not sure what he did wrong. Or... right?

'What?' he whispers. Castiel gazes at him fondly with a small smile. Alpha's eyes are dark blue in the white light of the lamp, shiny and warm, and Dean can't look away. Alpha closes the distance between them and kisses him. It starts out soft, but when Dean opens his mouth, it becomes invasive and dirty, and he shifts on the blanket, yearning to wrap his arms around alpha. Castiel's hand runs through his hair, messing up the hairstyle Dean's worked hard on, but he doesn't mind one bit. Alpha tastes like mint and it's all so good, his big hand cupping Dean's head, his tongue making Dean tremble and Dean wonders if he's going for something more, but then it ends as suddenly as it happened, and Dean's left gaping and panting a little.

'Damn,' he says, dumbfounded. 'You must really like onion rings.'

Castiel laughs. 

'I'm really hungry,' he says. 'Drinks?'

Dean almost feels mad; it's not like they can get to another level right there, in the grass, out in the open, but his pants are definitely tight now, and it's all thanks to alpha and his... deliberate? Mood swings. But in the same time... Dean doesn't know how else to describe it, but alpha doesn't take, he gives. Even though Dean didn't really do anything, it felt so good. He hopes it's less of a tease and more of a promise. He definitely enjoys the unpredictable, intense kissing episodes. 

'Dean?'

Oh. He blinks and looks back at Castiel, who seems a little concerned.

'Drinks, right, drinks,' he repeats, finally taking them out. There's two cokes, but he also bought a strawberry milkshake, hoping they could share. 'The milkshake was a bonus for the big order, so I took it.' That's a lie. It looked good and Dean wanted to try it. It only cost a dollar, so he took his chance.

'Great,' Castiel takes the coke, but doesn't stop looking at him like he's studying him. 'Dean? Are you okay?'

'Yeah,' Dean smiles. 'More than.'

'I never mean to scare you with... with going alpha on you,' Castiel says, putting the straws in his and Dean's drinks. 'If you don't like it, I want you to tell me.'

'That's... going alpha?' Dean asks timidly. He feels stupid. He never talks with anyone about these things. It's dumb, so many years spent surrounded by alphas, but really, they were all alphas of one kind. And while Dean technically knows how omegas work, there are still some terms that are weird to him. 'I thought going alpha means like, getting real mad and... and scary. I thought... maybe yesterday, when you, uh, grabbed me in the kitchen... I thought that was it. I thought it would be like what you did to that alpha in the shop. But you didn't get all angry and stuff.'

He can't face Castiel as he's telling him all that, so he unwraps his cheeseburger just to keep his hands busy. He hopes it won't get cold too soon, but they should hurry. 

'Yes,' Castiel looks away for a moment, Dean can see it from the corner of his eye. 'I've never experienced it before, but I promise you, I never get aggressive. I just feel a lot of... sudden... desire. And I feel like...'

He trails off for a moment too long and Dean risks a glance at him. His alpha is blushing.

'Yeah?' he encourages him. 

'I feel like dominating you,' Castiel reveals, as if it's something to be ashamed of for an alpha.

'I noticed you're more, uh, confident,' Dean tells him, smiling softly. 'And I like it.'

'You do?' Castiel looks up sharply. 'I thought after the way all alphas treated you, you'd hate me for being so... insistent.'

Dean shrugs, but doesn't look away.

'I don't,' he says. 'I told you, with you, lots of things are different. Sometimes I get a little...' _scared_ , but he's tired of hearing himself whine and analyzing all his feelings. The food is getting cold. 'A little off, but I'll tell you if I don't like anything, like you told me to. Promise. In the meantime, I definitely love it when you make out with me just cause I bought some deep-fried goods. Can we eat now?'

That seems to satisfy Castiel, who thankfully takes the cheeseburger in hand, mirroring Dean, and relaxes.

'Let's celebrate, then,' he raises his paper cup in imitation of a toast, and Dean chuckles as he does the same. 'To us, and our first month together.'

'To us,' Dean repeats shyly, but with a smile. They bump their cups together and both take a sip of soda. God, his alpha is such a dork. 

They eat, listening to Robert Plant telling them about his time of dying. Dean loves the burgers, he loves the music, loves the view and being outside and the whole date, and maybe his alpha, just a little, who looks pretty hot in his blue shirt and tie, staring at the city, his pink lips wrapped around the straw. Dean's never been this horny for anyone. He tells himself he can get through it tonight without freaking out, because if there's any good time for a fuck, it's this night. 

'I really enjoy this song,' Castiel tells him suddenly, and Dean startles, embarrassed at being caught staring at him, and having some real dirty thoughts too. 'He talks about dying and it's definitely the catholic view of things, yet with the music, it does not sound very religious. It sounds...' he frowns. 'Sinful.'

Dean laughs at how almost scandalized he sounds. 

'Yeah, that's what makes it so good. You like it, though, right?'

'Yes,' Castiel confirms, opening the box with the chicken wings. 'I've never listened to music like this before, but I see the appeal. It's very energetic.'

'Yeah,' Dean thinks back to the time he first heard it, and he's glad Castiel enjoys it, cause he wants to share more. 'My dad, he'd play music like in this in the car, constantly. The soundtrack to my life, man.'

The _man_ slips out before he can stop it, and he freezes, cause that's definitely not how you talk to an alpha, but Castiel doesn't seem to notice. He eats crispy wings and keeps listening. Dean feels so honoured that someone is treating him, and things that are important to him, so seriously. It makes him realize that maybe this is how alpha felt when Dean agreed to listen to his band, before. 

'Why do you like bees so much?' he decides to ask the question that's been on his mind for a while now.

Castiel glances back at him. 

'I used to volunteer at a bee farm,' he replies. 'Before I came to this city. It wasn't for long, but it was fascinating. I find nature captivating. That bee farm was what you might call... my happy place.'

Why'd you quit then, Dean wants to ask, but he won't. In all honesty, he's tired of getting all deep and personal, and sure, it is helping them out, cause God knows Dean has a truckload of issues. He appreciates alpha taking his time to discuss them, but tonight, he'd just like to ask alpha some trivia questions about himself. Regular stuff, the kind of questions they'd ask themselves if they were on a date, and not forty-year-old alpha and omega forcefully married to each other. 

'Dean?' Castiel asks him softly. 'What are you thinking about?'

He must look tense or nervous, he doesn't know. But somehow Castiel is able to notice that he's lost, and he feels stupid; it's pitiful that he can't hold a normal conversation, cause he's been such a goddamn outsider. It's not like it was his choice, and his twenty-year-old self would laugh if he'd see him now. He was real smooth back then. Could walk in anywhere, persuade people to help him out, steal whatever he needed, flirt, even if it never led to anything more, cause he had to keep himself from being accidentally mated. But now, he thinks even if he tried to go somewhere and take the five finger discount, said fingers would shake so much, he'd not make a step without giving himself away. He misses knowing how to talk to people without groveling and taking up as least space as possible. But the old Dean Winchester is dead; now, he's Dean Novak, and he may as well tell his alpha the truth.

'I want to talk to you,' he mumbles, staring at the blanket. Castiel has _a lot_ of blankets. He wonders if he'd also bought them specifically for his arrival.

'We are talking, sweetheart,' Castiel holds out the curly fries, and Dean's glad for the distraction. It takes some of the tension away. He grabs a couple fries and dips them in the hot sauce. 'Do you want to talk about something specific?'

'No, just...' he trails off. 'Just questions. I'd like to know more about you, if that's okay. But I don't know - I don't know how-' he huffs, irritated. 'I don't know how to talk to people anymore. I'm sorry, I know it's pathetic.'

Castiel studies him for a moment. Dean occupies himself with eating. 

'I have an idea,' alpha says and pulls out his phone. 'We could play a game.'

Dean frowns.

'Like, monopoly and stuff?' God, he hopes that's not what it is. Board games are for nerds. He wants to talk, not buy Vermont Avenue for 100 to kill time and pretend they have something to talk about. He'd rather sit in silence than resort to such desperate measures. 

'No,' Castiel shakes his head. 'More like, I could find us a set of random questions and we can draw them and get to know each other better,' he looks up from the screen, sheepish. 'Would that be acceptable? I realize it is not an incredibly social approach, either, but I thought...'

'Yeah, yeah, that could work,' Dean agrees quickly. It might be a great idea for them to break the ice that way. Break the ice... Dean's head hurts sometimes when he tries to wrap it around their fucked-up relationship. Castiel knows Dean's deepest fears and all about his trauma, Dean knows a bit about his crazy, estranged family, and they've both fucked more than they dined together, but asking about alpha's favourite cereal? Too much.

'Alright, here's a list we could use,' Castiel doesn't make it awkward, though, and Dean's grateful. Alpha keeps coming up with some really cool solutions like a true problem-solver, and he makes them work cause he's patient and doesn't give up. Currently, he's handing Dean his phone and Dean squints at the questions.

'I'll find something,' he says, reading the list slowly. 'Okay, we'll skip these, they're real kindergarten questions.'

'Like what?' Castiel prompts, stretching his legs. Dean's eyes follow the movement and he swallows.

'Uh, like what's your favourite color,' he reads, rolling his eyes and scrolling down. Castiel leans back on his palms and cocks his head thoughtfully. 

'I didn't have a preference before, but lately, it's definitely been green,' he announces, staring at Dean, a teasing smile on his lips. Dean glances at him, back at the phone and back at him, unsure what his alpha is getting at. Castiel levels him with a steady gaze, and Dean suddenly understands. He flushes.

'O-oh,' he says. Clears his throat. 'Right, yeah, r-right. Anyway... Here, huh, how about this one?' he rubs the back of his neck, flustered. 'Who did you want to be when you were a kid?'

Castiel considers it.

'I don't think I've ever had a dream like that,' he reveals. 'When I started coding, I decided I could be good at that, but I was a teenager then.'

'Yeah, but didn't you like, want to be a cowboy or anything?' Dean tries to imagine alpha as a kid, and can't. He'd probably wear that same confused expression a lot. He could've been a cute kid, but probably a loner. Buried in books, maybe? 

'Not a cowboy, no,' Castiel chuckles. 'But sometimes I thought it would be peaceful to work in nature. As a ranger, perhaps? Tending to animals, surrounded by trees. I think I'd like that. Back then, at least. Nowadays, with you by my side, I think it would be too secluded. I like things to be in order... I like knowing exactly what I'm supposed to do and doing it. I like when there are no second thoughts about it.'

Dean frowns. Yeah, does sound like the IT job alpha has, but...

'Wouldn't you want to do something artistic once in a while, though? You're like, super creative.'

'I am?' Castiel raises his eyebrows, baffled.

'I mean, you come up with ideas all the time, alpha. And the way you speak, that's like some Shakespeare stuff. And I've only just begun to know you.'

Castiel only hums in reply, thinking about it. 'Well, what about you?'

'I was just gonna say I wanted to be Batman,' Dean chuckles and Castiel does too. 'But I know what you mean. I like jobs that are hands-on, too. I mean, not that I can have an actual job nowadays, but if I could choose.'

Castiel's listening to him, his eyes constantly on Dean but the rest of his body relaxed. Dean wishes he could unwind like that. He enjoys the date and he's happy, but it's still hard to ditch his curled up pose, sitting with his legs pulled up. It protects his stomach and usually, he doesn't even recognize he's doing it. 

He picks the next question. 

'Okay... if you could live anywhere, where would it be?'

'I think I'd like to stay on the move, see as much of the world as I could,' Castiel tells him, this time without much hesitation. 'When you told me about the way you used to live with your father, driving around from city to city... I told you I think it would be horrible for you, because you should have a home, but at the same time, it sounds marvelous. Seeing so many places, not knowing where you'd end up tomorrow... that's an adventure. My life has been anything but.'

'I liked it too,' Dean shrugs. 'The home part sucked, and we couldn't make any friends at school or... anywhere. And most of the places we stayed at weren't very cozy. But that was only cause we were broke. I think if you have a decent amount of money, living like that can be really cool.'

'Could be,' Castiel sighs wistfully. 'I am well past my prime. It's not the right time to throw away everything I have worked for, everything I have built, only for an occasional thrill. Not to mention, it might turn out not to be as enjoyable as I thought, and then I'd be left with nothing.'

Dean doesn't share his point of view.

'I think it's never too late, alpha,' he says carefully. 'What exactly are you working for, if I can ask? I mean, are you planning to move to another company, or...?'

'I was supposed to have a better position in Roman Enterprises,' Castiel explains, bitterly now. 'It was years ago. I developed a project I was very invested in, but my boss... Well, we don't really see eye to eye. Me and none of my supervisors. They have promised me that if I complete a number of projects, they will promote me and I'll be able to get funding for my project, make it happen. And soon... well, it's been years now, but in the next weeks, an important executive is meant to come over and work on some projects with my team. If we finish them, I might finally get that promotion.'

'Wow, they're major dicks for leaving you hanging like that,' Dean says before he thinks. It's weird, being defensive over an alpha. When anything went wrong for Alastair, he silently cheered, even if sometimes it meant that he was in a foul mood and took it out on Dean.  
But with Castiel... Dean wants him to succeed. Alpha deserves it. Though right now, he seems a little shocked at Dean's outburst. 'Sorry.'

'No, I just...' Castiel shakes his head with a fond smile. 'Thank you. Sometimes I feel like saying that, as well. It has been a couple of frustrating years. Well... where would _you_ like to live?'

'Here?' Dean replies shyly. 'I really like your house. It's... warm. And the city is fine, it's big enough but not too big, and you have those really awesome windows in the bedroom, love them. And all the pillows and blankets, and the kitchen, I just...' he shrugs. He's no Ty Pennington, knows zip about interior design, but he really likes Castiel's house. He feels welcome there. 

'I should get you more space than that one lousy drawer I've provided you with,' alpha sighs. 'Can we drink the shake?'

They've already eaten everything. Dean feels full, but not too full, and it was good food, too. 

'Sure,' he takes a sip and loves it, it's so tasty. He shuffles closer to alpha, so they can lean on each other and drink without passing the cup. Dean watches as Castiel's lips close around the straw and swallows. How is something so simple looking so hot? 

'Good, hm?' Castiel asks when it's done. He's so warm against Dean's shoulder and Dean really loosens up for the first time tonight, letting alpha's gravelly voice soothe him. He can smell him real good in this position and he loves how instantly safe he feels. 

'Yeah,' he admits, shutting his eyes and resting his head on alpha's shoulder. Alpha takes the empty cup from him and throws it in the paper bag, and embraces him. His hand is rubbing soft circles into Dean's back, and he melts into the touch. The hand goes further down with each circle, and Dean shudders when it reaches his waistband. 

'Okay?' Castiel whispers and really waits, his hand still, until Dean whispers 'okay' right back, in a hoarse voice. Alpha's fingers dip into his underwear and further down, kneading his cheek. Dean trembles and exhales shakily, and hides his face in Castiel's shoulder. His hand gets so close to his hole, and Dean can already feel that he's slicking, but then... the hand travels upwards. Alpha returns to rubbing his back, and Dean loves the tease, the gentle touch makes him long for more, but he forces himself to wait. He tunes everything out except for alpha's smell and breath and his palm on Dean's back, and the music, still so perfect in the background. This is nothing like the touch from the shop, Dean thinks, and doesn't get scared this time around when alpha's hand slides inside his pants again, this time a little lower, this time spreading his cheeks a little, and Dean holds his breath, waits for the pressure on his rim, but... none comes. The infuriating hand is going back up, again, and Dean's too pent up to be nervous. He can't hold back when he whispers:

'Please,' into alpha's collarbone, and it's so quiet and wrecked, alpha's not even done anything yet. At this rate, he might come with all his clothes on. 

'Please what, ome-'

'Please touch me,' he rushes out, desperate, sure that he's going to get berated. _Shut up, you only get what you're given._ But no, Castiel surprises him again - his hand instantly returns, and a finger gently presses against his hole. Dean moans through his clenched teeth and can't help when he moves his hips to meet the finger. He feels so empty and aching.

'Patience, baby,' Castiel whispers into his hair. 'We're taking it slow.'

'I want...' Dean breathes out, only to stop himself. He's never lost control like that. It's cause alpha keeps insisting on knowing what he thinks, he decides bitterly. He used to be well trained, but alpha destroys all of his hard-learned composure.

'What do you want?'

Dean looks up. Castiel's hand is back over his shirt, just resting there. His eyes are sincere as always, serious. He's not mad and he's not mocking him.

'I want-' Dean gulps, ducks his head, stares at the blanket. 'I want to you to fill me up,' he admits, and it almost hurts him how painfully raw, honest, his voice is. 'I want to come if you - if you l-let me.'

His face is burning and he feels so ashamed. He feels like every omega stereotype ever, so needy, and asking to come, it's... it's humiliating. He should be making sure alpha gets whatever he wants, and if he gets some pleasure in the meantime, that's great. If alpha Castiel wants to make him feel good, wants to jerk him off - amazing, but it's his choice to make. Alpha's just said he likes to dominate, there's no way he'll approve of Dean demanding things for himself.

Alpha Castiel isn't violent, so he'll probably be nice to Dean like he always is. He'll tell him that if he'll obey, he might get what he wants. Or that it's good that Dean expresses his thoughts but enough's enough. But then-

'Okay,' alpha says simply. 'Come on,' he gets up. Dean looks up at him, stunned. 

'Where-'

'We can't mate here,' Castiel gestures around them. 'Come on.'

Alpha offers a hand and Dean takes it. He stumbles getting up, still aroused, still ashamed, but most of all confused. Castiel leads him to the car, picking up the lantern on the way.

'I'll drive as fast as I can-' he says, throwing the lantern in the back and making Dean sit down shotgun. Dean can smell how turned on he is, too, and though he shouldn't look, he can see the outline of Castiel's hard cock through his jeans. They're really going to do it now, just cause Dean's asked. He looks in the backseat and licks his lips slowly. Home suddenly seems too far away. He grabs alpha's arm just as he turns to go back for the blanket.

'We could- ' Dean says, nodding towards the backseat timidly. 'There?'

Castiel looks pained, grimaces. 

'I have thought about it,' he admits. 'But I've left the lube at home.'

Dean doesn't think it would be too much of a problem at the rate he's slicking - he's pretty sure his pants will be soaked through any minute - but Castiel is big, and he doesn't want it to hurt. Then, he remembers something. He leans forward, pops the glove compartment open and there it is. The small bottle of lube he's been given on their wedding day by the omega center. A touching parting gift. 

He holds it up for alpha to see with a questioning expression. 

Alpha's face splits into a grin and he bends down, kisses Dean deeply. Dean moans into it, grabs at alpha, tries to pull him even closer. When alpha draws back, his eyes are glistening with anticipation and energy, and he smells so excited. Dean's smiling shyly, his head spinning with the knowledge that they're really gonna do it, right here, right now, and he wants it so bad. 

'Hold on.'

Alpha practically runs for the blanket and spreads it in the backseat, covering the seats. Dean's had sex in the car before but never like that, never on his back. He thinks it might turn tricky but he doesn't mind. With alpha Castiel, he thinks they can work around anything awkward. He unbuttons his shirt and takes it off, shivering slightly, then removes his collar, and alpha puts the lantern in the front seat, so that they can see what they're doing. Dean switches off the music; they made it through most of the album. 

'You don't want the music on?' Castiel asks, taking off his shoes. 

'Your battery's gonna die,' Dean tells him. He sees Castiel stop and frown in the middle of undressing, and it makes the omega like him just a little bit more. 

'What would that mean for us?'

Alpha is _hopeless_. He truly knows nothing about cars.

'Car wouldn't start and we'd be stranded here until a good Samaritan decides to come over and jump-start us. Which, given that this road ain't exactly Daytona Speedway, could really ruin our night,' Dean unties his laces and leaves his sneakers in the footwell. 

'I didn't know that. I'm glad you're here, Dean,' Castiel says with a warm smile, and Dean thinks his blush is never gonna leave his face tonight. He thinks alpha means he's glad Dean's around in general, too, not just to hand out car tips. 

'Me too,' Dean whispers, and takes off his pants. He feels nervous as he gets out, his clothes in the front seat, shuts the door and gets in the backseat. Castiel's watching him from the other side, throwing his clothes in the front seat as well. Dean's really thankful no one uses this road right now.

He closes the door and can't stop his hands from shaking as he peels off his boxers and slides them down. They're just as soaked as he imagined, so he just drops them into the footwell. He can see Castiel react to the smell of slick; alpha halts his movements and looks up sharply, his nostrils flaring. 

'You smell divine,' he says, sounding amazed, and Dean finds it a little easier to lay down on his back and spread his legs a little. He stares at the roof of the car and tries not to tremble too much. He feels so exposed and just a bit scared, but his cock is very much hard at the thought of alpha taking off his pants and watching him, knowing he's his to take.

'I'm here, sweetheart,' Castiel says and Dean opens his eyes, not knowing when he closed them. Alpha crawls inside. He closes the door and they're left alone, cut off from the outside world. Alpha leans closer, tries to fit himself in the backseat so that they're both somewhat comfortable. He ends up stretched over him, his knees at the edge of the seat, one hand next to Dean's head, another on the headrest.

'You're shaking,' Castiel runs his hand over Dean's chest and Dean presses himself into the touch. 'Are you sure you want this?'

'I'm sure,' Dean says, and he is. 'Are you?'

'Very much,' Castiel glances down pointedly. Definitely no doubt there. 

'M'just a little nervous,' Dean mumbles, fighting the urge to cover himself, to get out of alpha's analyzing sight. 

'Tell me what you want again,' alpha orders, but it's not scary; it's with an easy smile, and he leans forward to kiss Dean. He starts at the mouth but soon moves to the side, and Dean pants, hesitantly wraps his hands around alpha and slides them down his back. 

'I want-' he says. 'I-I want you to finger me open.'

He lets his hands wander down, to Castiel's firm buttocks, and squeeze them lightly. Alpha moans into his neck. Feels so good, him and alpha huddled together. 

'Spread your legs more for me, baby,' he asks against Dean's skin, and Dean tries to, but somehow he can't. He wants this, so he doesn't realize why he freezes, but cold dread crawls up his throat and threatens to show in his scent. 

'Help me?' he asks weakly. Any other alpha would've just pushed his legs open, not caring about his momentary freakout, but not Castiel. He just says, 'of course', like it's the most obvious thing in the world, and retreats a little, sits on his heels. He massages Dean's calves slowly, getting to his thighs, and Dean's shaking. 'I'm sorry-' he starts saying, cause he feels stupid, but Castiel shushes him instantly. 

'Everything's fine, honey,' he assures him, his hands impossibly gentle where they caress his thighs. Dean can feel every bump, every scar stand out, he doesn't know how it doesn't turn alpha off. 'You're slicking so much, hm? Already so good for me.' It sounds so warm and it sounds so honest, like he really means it, and Dean tries again to inch his thighs apart. This time it's a little easier. 'There we go, baby. Such a cute little butt, no reason to be shy.'

Dean actually snorts at that, which earns him a playful slap on his thigh.

'No objections,' Castiel tells him sternly. 'You have a very cute butt.'

'Oh my god,' Dean whines, though mostly he just wants to laugh. 'You can't just say things like that, alpha. I'm like forty.'

'But it's true,' alpha has a cheeky smile on his face and his eyes are twinkling humorously. Dean finds it harder to hold onto his anxiety. He shifts and hooks one of his legs around the front seat. That should do it. He waits for alpha to finger him right away, but he continues to pet him, and it makes the tension ebb away. 

'You're doing so good,' alpha praises him, like he's figured out that it's the key to Dean's heart. It's pathetic, Dean often thinks, but even the smallest praise has always made him feel like he was glowing, he's been so hungry for it. Castiel drowns him in it, yet all of it sounds so... true. It's not said to be just said. Before he can overanalyze it any further, alpha leans over him again, kisses him on the mouth, and Dean lets him. The tongue that invades his mouth is way more unyielding this time, and Dean thinks he's making alpha wait too long. He returns the kiss as well as he can, feeling the arousal spike up again.

Alpha pulls back with visible effort, his chest heaving with deep breaths. He uncaps the lube and Dean can see that his hands are shaking, too. His cock looks almost painfully hard.

'You're really into it, alpha,' Dean jokes weakly. He feels so open for him, nothing to hide, his legs so far apart even in the confined space. 

'I have fantasized about this,' Castiel announces bluntly, his lubed fingers slipping into Dean's hole easily. He has to sit with his one leg in the footwell, cause they can't fit. Dean's breath stutters and he closes his eyes. 'You, me, here tonight.'

'Wh-what, what-' Dean exhales, his legs trembling, it feels so good. He feels insistent pressure already growing in his lower stomach, and has to restrain himself from sliding down onto Castiel's fingers. 'What exactly?'

He can't form his thoughts well, but alpha seems to understand.

'Thought about holding you down,' alpha pants, grabbing his own cock roughly and coating it in more lube. Foreplay's over, Dean thinks, watching him with huge, lust-blown eyes. Alpha's so turned on, the smell of it is choking him in the best way, it fills the entire space of the car, with no way to get out and Dean loves it. It's the unique alpha Castiel scent, and he feels so safe, he believes he's not gonna get hurt, not this time. 'Thought about fondling your pretty cock until you were dripping wet,' Dean throws his head back, narrowly avoiding the door handle, and stifles a moan. Fuck, that's so hot, he can barely take it, and his hole is clenching around nothing, cause alpha's too busy slicking his dick. 'Thought about making you come, making you feel so good-'

'I want, please,' he pants, holding out his arms and clutching at alpha, who lets himself be dragged forward, into Dean's embrace. 'Please please fuck me,' Dean whispers right into his ear, and Castiel looks straight at him, their faces inches apart, and he holds up Dean's hips with one hand - super strong, Dean notes satisfied - and lines himself up with the other, and enters him in one swift move. 

Dean grunts, his arms wrapped around Castiel's shoulders, tensing despite himself, and when he opens his eyes, he sees that Castiel's squeezed his shut as well, his breathing erratic. Maybe this time, it's a true challenge to hold himself back.

'Can I-' he asks, his voice hoarse, and Dean nods frantically.

'Yeah, yeah,' he holds on tight when Castiel starts moving, and this time he doesn't try to pull out completely, he just starts fucking into Dean. And Dean loves it, he loves the rhythm, loves their smell and how horny they are, loves having Castiel inside him, and how soft his sweaty skin is, and how he smiles at him when Dean clenches around him and can't contain a moan.

'Good?' Castiel pants, speeding up steadily, flushed and bright-eyed. Dean's glad for the white, slightly surreal glow of the lamp - he wants to see alpha, he wants to see everything. 

'Awesome,' Dean grins, rocked hard by the force of the thrusts, and it's a ride to remember. Alpha changes the angle a little, hits that spot and Dean almost shouts, managing to stifle it to a choked off sound. 'Th-there,' he pleads, and then alpha bumps his head on the roof.

'Ow,' he slows down for a moment, sounding offended, and Dean laughs, and brings one hand to alpha's head to rub the pain away. 

'I'll protect you,' he promises, keeping his hand firmly in place as Castiel laughs as well, eyes shining, and speeds up again. Dean feels so light, he doesn't remember ever feeling this light around anyone.

'My good boy,' Castiel's words are a little slurred, and Dean can tell he's getting close. His straining cock stirs at the words.

'Touch me?' Dean asks, and normally he'd be freaking out at being so bold, at asking for so much, but he doesn't feel an ounce of fear at the moment. 

'Of course,' for all the intensity alpha's displaying, the touch is very careful. Dean flinches at first, but forces himself to calm down; he wants this. Alpha's watching him closely, eyes glazed over with lust, and Dean says, 'Go on,' and Castiel says, 'I can't- I'm gonna-' and Dean says 'It's okay,' and Castiel comes inside him with a loud cry, a cry that makes Dean shiver, and he clenches around him like he's done a million times before, squeezing his knot that catches and expands and firmly locks in his hole. It's so huge, and Dean feels lightheaded with the pressure. Castiel's hand is still working him, and he starts moving his hips to meet his hand. It's bad, he really shouldn't, he's not allowed, it tugs at the knot too, but he's delirious with pleasure, the need to come so overpowering that he can't think straight. Castiel doesn't get mad at him, he shakes off the haze and focuses on Dean, and says all the nice things like 'that's it, fuck into my fist, baby' and 'come on, good boy' and 'come for me, Dean, so good for me, my perfect little omega' and Dean doesn't need any more encouragement before he's coming with a strangled cry, his eyes tearing up and seeing a flash of white before it bleeds into blue, two blue, concerned eyes, so so close to him.

'-okay?' he hears and he's panting so hard, he can barely catch his breath. Alpha's cock is buried deep inside him, filling him up, and it feels so _right_ , and so does Castiel's scent, and his hands soothing him, rubbing his arms up and down. 

'Wow,' he huffs out, all his limbs lazy and pliant, a loopy smile making its way onto his face. 

'Are you okay?' repeats Castiel, though this time he doesn't look as anxious. He smiles as well. 'That was really...'

'I've never come like that,' Dean tells him. 

'So hard?'

'No, I mean...' he glances down at his stomach. It's true, he's made a huge mess, but it's been days of almost-there sex so he figures it's normal. He means coming on his back, with an alpha so attentive, with an alpha that lets him fuck into something instead of telling him there's no use for his cock, with an alpha who encourages him and tells him he's good and makes sure he's okay. 'It's never felt so nice,' he says instead, and feels like it's a lame thing to say, but it's true. He's never felt such overwhelming pleasure before, his entire body felt like it was on fire and like alpha was just... everywhere. 

'I'm glad it did, baby,' Castiel says, and hugs him tight. For the first time it's alpha who hides his face in the crook of Dean's neck and inhales his scent, and then kisses and sucks on the mating mark, which makes Dean's spent cock start a little. He feels so sensitive, every single place on his entire body. He thinks he's gonna smell like alpha a lot, now, and it makes him feel so pleased and excited.

'Was I good?' he asks, gently tracing alpha's sides with his hands. Alpha's a little heavy and he hopes they'll change positions soon, but for now, it feels good to be blanketed by him like that. He wonders how long until his knot comes down; usually, it took them about twenty minutes. 

'You were incredible,' Castiel says, hoists himself up on his elbows. He looks at Dean with such adoration, Dean feels more naked than ever, and kind of embarrassed. He doesn't deserve this much affection but he has nowhere to run. 'Dean, you were better than any partner I have ever had.'

Dean blushes, _again_ , which at this point annoys him. 'What did you like so much? I didn't do anythin' special.'

'I liked everything,' Castiel sighs, grinding down, which makes Dean gasp and a jolt of pleasure goes up his spine. 'I liked how you waited for me completely bare, and I liked how you told me what you wanted from me. I liked how you touched me, and how hot and tight you felt when I was inside you, and how you let yourself go when I tried to make you climax.'

'Can't you just say I'm a good fuck?' Dean questions, abashed, glancing away. 'You always wax poetic about everything.'

Truth is, it's just so weird to be showered in compliments like that. Sure, it's sweet and makes him feel like he's floating, but he's not used to it. He half expects alpha to be taken aback or even angry with his disrespectful remark, but Castiel smirks instead.

'You love it,' he says confidently, and he's not wrong. Dean looks to the side, stares at the back of the front seat.

'Yeah,' he replies quietly. 'I really do. You're so good to me. You're just... you're always good.'

Castiel moves to his left to open the compartment in between the front seats. He takes out a bag of wet wipes and the sight of them and the anti-climatic sound of the sticky part being forced open makes Dean laugh, it's so loud and dumb. Castiel wipes him down gently, and then some of himself. Dean feels dizzy when he realizes he's actually splashed alpha a little. 

'Now, I think it's time to reposition,' Castiel sighs, looking down at Dean. 'We might be tied for a while.'

Dean hopes he's not an inconvenience. Whenever they knotted before, Castiel was mindful of him and kept his weight off of him, but they've spent it in silence. Sometimes he'd kiss Dean's back, but that was it, not that it wasn't much by itself. 

'If you want to check your phone or call someone or whatever, I can just nap,' Dean tries, cause after everything that's happened, he'd hate for it to turn awkward. Thanks to alpha, he's had his best sex ever. He can handle having to entertain himself for half an hour if it makes him less of a burden.

Castiel looks at him with an indecipherable expression. 

'If you think that I'd rather spend this time doing anything but holding you, you are horribly mistaken,' he says coldly. 'You are my mate, Dean.'

Dean drops his eyes and shrugs.

'I've never... I don't know what we're supposed to do.'

'Well, husband,' Castiel starts, wrapping his arms around Dean and carefully lifting him up. 'We have to sit up first.'

Dean winces when the knot tugs on his rim, but Castiel moves very slowly and keeps his eyes on him, makes sure not to hurt him. He sits up like he normally would in the backseat of a car, and sits Dean down in his lap. Dean releases a breath he was holding when he can settle, his legs bent and his knees digging into the upholstery.

'Is this alright?' Castiel asks, his fingers traveling down to where Dean's stretched by his huge knot and gently prodding. 'Doesn't hurt?'

'No, s'good,' Dean promises. They're embracing, because there's no other way to do it, and Dean has to bend down so he doesn't hit his head on the roof like Castiel previously. 

'So now, we're going to sit here, as close as we can, and touch each other, and talk or nap like you said, but together. And then when we go back, we are going to cuddle all night, because you like it.'

Dean shivers. 

'Yeah, okay,' he agrees. 'Thanks. This date was amazing.'

'I liked it a lot, too,' Castiel replies. 'Thank you for not giving up on me once we left the restaurant. I'm very glad we ended up here.'

'We still have the fancy cookies!' Dean remembers, pulling back to look at Castiel. 'I forgot!'

Castiel chuckles. 'Yes, I have them in the trunk. We can eat them at home.'

'Yeah. I mean, we burned like, millions of calories just now. I think it's _necessary_ we eat soon,' Dean says mock-seriously.

'We have to make sure our next time is not in the car,' Castiel looks critical as he regards the interior. 'I really wanted to have this special time in a proper bed, with lots of space, but... you proved to be irresistible.'

Dean smiles bashfully. 

'Yeah, you too,' he looks down at alpha's chest, happy that he can touch, trail his fingers through his chest hair. He's never had any. The thing he wants to say next scares him, but he thinks it's important to let alpha know. 'It was the best sex I have ever had.'

'That's a big compliment, and one that I have to return,' Castiel smiles. 'Though I do hope we will raise the bar in the future.' 

Dean can't wait. 

 

He ends up falling asleep in Castiel's lap, his head at an uncomfortable angle, but feeling sated and safe and happy. He doesn't know how long he's been napping when alpha finally nudges him, and his first instinct is to flinch and move away, but he hisses as the deflating knot irritates his swollen rim.

'Easy,' Castiel warns him. 'It has been quite some time, but I think I'm ready to slip out now.'

'Okay,' Dean lifts his hips up slowly and muffles his whimper when Castiel's cock leaves his hole. 

'It shouldn't hurt, baby,' Castiel says, sounding worried, and makes Dean turn around. 'Show me.'

Dean feels embarrassed but still too sleepy to really get scared, so he just bends forward, upper body braced on the front seats, and presents best as he can. Castiel frowns behind him and spreads his cheeks gently. 

'It's really swollen,' Castiel pets his back. 'I'm sorry, I think I was too... eager...'

'No, s'fine,' Dean slurs, turning his head to look at alpha. He's so tired, he wishes he could go back to sleep. 'Happens sometimes.'

'Well it shouldn't,' Castiel protests and sounds really upset. 'It has been an hour, but...'

'An hour?' that sobers Dean up. 'It's never been this long with anyone.'

'Oh,' alpha says. 'Maybe that's the reason. I'll look into it at home. We should get going, I think you're ready for a good night's sleep.'

'Mhm,' Dean agrees wholeheartedly. He barely registers alpha helping him out of the backseat and into the front seat, and putting his clothes back on. He does remember Castiel's face when he giggles as Dean tries to fit his head into his shirt's sleeve, and him saying 'no,  
Dean' in an amused voice, like he's drunk and not just tired. But alpha fits him into all of his clothes, eventually, save for his ruined boxers. Dean grimaces as he leans back in his seat; everything's sore down there. Alpha disappears, then reappears, then they're driving, and suddenly he's back home, leaning on alpha and blinking half-consciously, seeing their bed.

'We're back?' he mumbles, looking at alpha without much comprehension. Castiel puts him down on their bed and takes off his clothes again. Dean lets him, docile and not-quite-there, just wanting to lay back down and sleep. 

'Not yet, Dean,' Castiel tells him, but his eyes are closing already, his head falling forward, his chin resting on his chest. 'Hey, Dean, _not yet._ '

That's a warning voice, that's the alpha voice. Dean's eyes snap open even though he's sure they must be bloodshot already. Everything's aching but he feels calm inside. 

'Drink,' alpha pushes a glass into his hand but it's good that he holds it too, cause Dean's fingers are not coordinated anymore. 'Drink, Dean.'

Dean does. It's juice, he thinks. Either way, it's very sweet. He downs the whole glass, suddenly very thirsty.

'Is this a dream?' he asks Castiel, who seems a little blurry and a little too far away.

'No, baby, you're just crashing very hard.'

He doesn't know what it means.

'Can I sleep, alpha, please? I'll be good,' he promises, cause that sometimes gets him what he wants. He wonders where Alastair is, but he's not scared. Castiel is here, and he's all soft and kind. 

'Yes, come on,' alpha drags him through the whole length of the bed until he feels his face hit the pillow. He can't force himself to move and he thinks even alpha voice wouldn't make him. Alpha lays down next to him and spoons him, even though he's probably clothed, cause Dean feels rough material pressed against his back and ass.

'Will you cuddle me?' he mumbles.

'We're already cuddling, Dean,' Castiel informs him, sounding funny. Maybe like he wants to laugh?

'You can laugh, alpha,' Dean tells him. 'I feel kinda funny too.'

'I know you do,' Castiel soothes him, rubs his chest and his stomach. 'It'll be okay in the morning. You just need to rest.'

Dean feels very detached, he feels like he's floating, and he knows he's gonna be asleep in seconds, but there's still one more thing he has to know, and he thinks it's very important.

'Will you fuck me when I sleep?' he manages to push the words out, slow as molasses. And then, as an afterthought: 'Don't like it. Scared when I - when I wake up. Alpha? Will you?'

'No, I won't,' Castiel kisses his arm, his fingers so soft as he caresses his arm, up and down, and Dean loves it, it's so nice. He knew it, Castiel's just always good. 

'Thanks,' he replies and thinks alpha says something, but it escapes him as he finally sinks into sleep.

 

'You're safe with me,' Castiel murmurs into Dean's skin, relishing in holding his mate. Dean without the fear and the layers of protectiveness, so defenseless and vulnerable really tugs at his heartstrings. He thinks Dean's not the only one experiencing a drop, as he drapes his jean-clad leg over the omega's sleeping form, pulling him even closer. He's overcome with the need to shelter and protect his mate with everything he has. Dean smells so good, too, and Castiel can't force himself to get up and change. He remembers that he has work in the morning and groans quietly.

It's easily been the best evening of his life. The things he felt when he and Dean tied... it's never been like that. He's had some satisfying sex sometimes, but it was just that, satisfying. With Dean, he was ravenous for more, enthusiastic for the endless possibilities ahead of them. Months before the omega has arrived, he's already started having trouble being aroused at all. He worried he'd never be able to take care of someone who's supposed to need sex constantly. It turns out that will not be a problem.

He's still not happy about Dean being so sore. He knows that it wasn't an everyday thing before. Admittedly, they've never tied for more than half an hour, sometimes only ten minutes, when Castiel was really spent. He hopes that's all it is. 

It's his fault they're both crashing like that, Dean especially. In his lust-driven state he forgot how much of an effect can pheromones have on them, if they'll mate in such small space with no windows open. They were practically bathing in their combined scents. That alone was enough to make them dizzy afterwards. But it has also been the first time they really experienced it the way alpha and omega should, and Castiel thinks it was as extraordinarly powerful for Dean as it was for him. 

That was something he had known from the start, at least; it wasn't omega specific, he'd once dated a beta that had reacted similarly after they had sex. Everyone knew this kind of drop could happen but it was supposed to be common in young adults, freshly mated couples, not people their age. 

Well, Castiel wasn't going to complain. It gave him another excuse to hug Dean and take care of him. His omega has been so open and honest with him the entire evening. It's only been a few days, but their progress astonishes Castiel. In his wildest dreams he's never expected to experience so many new emotions and really bond with the abused omega he's welcomed into his home a month ago. 

With a sigh, he entagles himself from Dean and gets up. He has to take a shower, maybe he'll feel more steady if he washes off their scent. He leaves his naked omega in bed, covers him with the discarded blankets that seem to take permanent residence in their bedroom and goes to the bathroom.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> long chapter! lots of feelings. omega center does one good thing and unknowingly saves the day. car sex y/n? definitely a y from me.  
> as one of the readers, @Claws&blood suggested, i added timeline notes in the beginning of each chapter. i got the impression that many of you got lost in the dates since the fic is a WIP and posted over weeks while the action takes place within days only, so i hope it will clear things up!  
> thanks again for reading and all the comments and kudos!!! let me know if you liked it, what you liked, what are your thoughts!


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> timeline: day 7 (05/03)

Dean wakes in stages. He opens his eyes and sees alpha by his side. He's sleeping peacefully but he's not cuddling him, and Dean's ridiculously offended. He's said they were cuddling, Dean remembers.

Looks like he has to take matters into his own hands - literally. Without much hesitation and with loose, uncoordinated limbs, he crawls on top of alpha. Castiel's wearing boxers, but his upper body is satisfyingly bare, and Dean nuzzles his head into alpha's chest and sighs contentedly. He wraps his hands around alpha, settles and tries to go back to sleep. It's warm under the covers and Castiel is so firm, and clean, and like this, Dean can hear his heartbeat.

He dozes off, and has a dream about Sam. It was his birthday yesterday, he knows. He almost never dreams about him, but this time, it's a good dream. Mostly. He's standing in front of Sam's apartment door and he steels himself, his fist in the air, ready to knock. He's nervous but somehow, he knows that Sam is gonna open the door and will be happy to see him. He finally gets over himself and knocks on the door, and hears steps in the distance, and he's really gonna see him now-

'Dean.'

'Hmmm,' he startles a little but can't move. He wants to sleep, cocooned in warmth, his head too heavy.

'Dean, we have to get up,' the voice urges, but yeah, not going to happen.

'Nuh-uh,' Dean mumbles and squeezes alpha tighter, and sleeps some more. The Sam dream doesn't come back and instead, a more familiar one takes its place. It's him and Alastair, and that one time when Dean's decided to hold his ground. He's not even sure what the argument was about; something dumb, probably, and Dean's had some training already, but he just didn't want to let that thing go. He might not remember what started it but the rest is loud and clear; Alastair yelling that he doesn't give a fuck about Dean's opinion and that he has to do what he tells him; Dean yelling (!) back that he's had enough of following orders, and the sudden snap! of his bone when Alastair twists his arm, unyielding, even as Dean starts to wail from the pain, dragged to the bedroom by said arm and thrown into the closet. He remembers hours in the dark, in the tiny space, with shirt sleeves and pants brushing over his head like hands of imaginary, phantom opponents he couldn't see, ready to grab him and hurt him and rip him to shreds. He remembers trying to bust open the closet door, remembers hyperventilating when he couldn't stand the cramped space and the pain and blindness. Remembers giving in and yelling and sobbing that he's sorry for hours on end, begging to be let out, with no response. His arm, hanging uselessly at his side, swollen and burning hot and pulsing pulsing pulsing clenching his teeth eyes teary and wide open and the darkness, making everything so unreal, making him believe he's already dead and there's no one out there to ever let him out-

'Dean, hey, wake up,' he hears and instantly opens his eyes, inhaling sharply. Castiel's holding him, his arms wrapped around Dean, and the omega's still sprawled all over him, his legs tangled with alpha's. Suddenly, he's all too aware that he's naked and that his dick is pressed against alpha, and his cheeks flame with embarrassment.

'I'm sorry,' he quickly says and attempts to move away, but alpha only tightens his hold.

'It's alright,' he says, stroking his back. 'I enjoy laying so close to you. But I had to wake you, you were having a nightmare.'

Dean doesn't say anything about that, but there's one thing he has to point out.

'I'm buck naked.'

'You were naked yesterday too,' well, yeah, true. But that was kind of different. Yesterday was... all kinds of things. 'Are you okay?'

Dean wants to nod, he wants to brush it off and hide like he usually does, but he can feel alpha staring at him and the hand on his back is so calming, so soothing.

'It's just a dream,' he says, aiming for nonchalance, but he thinks it comes out weak and reluctant.

'Do you want to tell me about it?'

'No,' he answers instantly. That's one thing he's sure he doesn't want to do. 'Can you tell me what was that, yesterday?'

'We had sex.'

'After that,' Dean rolls his eyes but his lips stretch in a smile. 'You said I was crashing, what - what's that?'

He tenses because he can feel alpha pause and move on the bed a little to really look at him. Dean still clutches at him, refusing to change his position. 

'You've never heard of it?'

Didn't he just say so? He knows he's stupid, he doesn't need an elaborate Powerpoint presentation just to have it rubbed in his face.

'Sometimes, especially when you're young and newly mated, you can experience this... drunk-like feeling after knotting. I think yesterday's experience was just very intense. And in the car, in the confined space, our scents and pheromones made us feel like-'

'You mean the smash drop?'

'The what?' alpha chuckles incredulously. Dean rolls his eyes.

'Yeah, ridiculous, I know, but that's what they used to call it,' he explains. 'When I was a kid. It was kind of an urban legend. Get fucked so good that you end up hammered.'

'They didn't teach you that during the omega classes?'

'They never taught us anything about actual sex,' Dean tells him. 'The stuff around it, sure. But it was like this huge taboo thing. But of course we've all seen movies and real alphas fucking their omegas in bars or parking lots, so there wasn't much left to the imagination. I just... I don't know, it always sounded like that awesome thing that happens in fairytales.'

'It might not be happening to everyone, but I _have_ seen it happen to people. One of my previous partners was experiencing it regularly.'

'Okay,' Dean can't help the weird sting of jealousy, but it makes him more baffled than sad. He's never been jealous of an alpha. 'So... it's gonna be like that, always?'

'I don't think so,' Castiel tells him and his hand moves up and starts stroking his hair. 'We've mated before, remember?'

'Did you uh... did you, too?'

'Smash drop?' Castiel repeats mockingly, but there's a smile in his voice. 'I think so. I was very... possessive. It was hard to leave you to take a shower.'

'Shouldn't have left me, then.'

Castiel laughs, an honest, clear sound and Dean reluctantly pushes himself up. 

'I'm sorry for being... so clingy, though,' he's definitely embarrassed about that. He usually knows better than that. Climbing alpha like that, and yesterday... well, he's got a lot to think through. Some time. Maybe. He's enjoyed the sex, no doubt, but afterwards... letting alpha undress him and... sharing some mortifying facts...

But it felt good, though. All of it felt good. The 'crash' as alpha called it, it was... blissful. He felt calm, and sated, and protected. He kind of doesn't mind if it ever happens again. 

'Baby,' Castiel cups his cheek, forces him to look him in the eyes. He seems so well-rested. 'You being clingy is on the list of my favourite things.'

'Yeah?' Dean asks half-daringly, but really just flustered. 'What's number one?'

Castiel's smile is soft and fond and for a moment he looks so breathtaking, with his bed hair and crinkles around his eyes, Dean wishes he could kiss him. 

'You being happy,' he says, and Dean shivers and, 'fuck,' he exhales, not knowing how to express whatever he's feeling right now. 

'You've got a dirty mouth, omega,' Dean stiffens, a flash of 'omegas don't curse!' glowing in his mind like a neon sign, one of the rules he's been made to follow over the years, but Castiel just kisses him on the forehead instead of reproaching him. 'Can't wait to see just how dirty it can get.'

Dean can't _believe_ him. 

'You can't just-' he stops and huffs, exasperated. 'You can't keep saying stuff like that! One second you're what, some kinda Prince Charming and the next you go all Fifty Shades on me?'

'I thought I can do whatever I want,' Castiel raises an eyebrow at him, deadly serious, and Dean falters and swallows, his mouth suddenly dry. Has he gone too far? 'What's the problem, Dean?'

'No problem,' he drops his eyes and squirms in place, longing to move away, so that their groins aren't pressed together, cause it's starting to really bother him. But alpha has a steel grip on his hips.

'Do you not enjoy me thinking out loud about the things we could do together?' Castiel continues, slowly, watching him like he plans to taste him, to bite into him. Dean shivers. He could ask him to stop, he knows he could. But... 'Or maybe you're just uncomfortable knowing that I turn you on?'

Dean wishes he could fucking disappear. Or better, that alpha could fuck him senseless right then and there.

'Please let go,' he manages to say and the way Castiel's demeanor changes is fascinating. He goes from hot and dominating to concerned and apologetic in just one second, and he takes his hands away.

'I'm sorry, that was too much,' he declares, his voice and gaze panicked, as Dean moves away and to the side, and feels overwhelming guilt. _Alpha's still nice, see?_ he tells himself, but his heart is racing. 'I'll never do it again.'

'No, it's...' Dean curls in on himself. His ass hurts after yesterday and the blissful feeling he woke up with is nowhere to be found. 'You're right. You do turn me on, but you also scare me.'

'I don't want to scare you,' Castiel sounds completely devastated and it makes Dean turn around to look at him. 

'Not _you_ you,' Dean tries to explain, and hesitantly holds out his hand. Castiel's quicker than freaking Usain Bolt when he moves closer to grip it tightly. Like a lifeline, Dean thinks. 'I've been... there... for twenty years. And here, with you... well, we really know each other just a week, and if you could... I mean, if you don't mind or anythin', if you could just give me time with some things.'

'Of course,' Castiel assures him right away. 'All the time you need.'

'But I don't wanna hold you back. I swear I know my place. It's super nice that you let me do so many things and talk so much, but if you ever just wanna fuck me, tell me and I'll do my best not to freak out much, cause I know you don't like it.'

Castiel looks ready to argue but Dean really hopes he won't. He opens his mouth to say something, but Dean interjects, needing to get it out.

'Some things are cool and I don't freak out, but some others make me feel like Imma pass out,' he rushes out, staring at Castiel's chest. 'I really scored here with you and I wanna stay, I'll do anything to stay, but I don't get what the hell's happening to my body and me and  
it's all so much. Can we just let it be?'

'We can,' Castiel agrees, and it's the last thing Dean's expected, with the alpha always being so deep and insisting on analyzing everything like he's Hannibal Lecter. Well, maybe someone nicer. Oprah. 'I know you don't always feel like talking, Dean, but I just need to know what you like and don't like. And how you feel. I can't ever understand how confusing things can be to you, as I've never experienced the horrible abuse you've been through,' wow, blunt, 'but I will always give you time. And I'll never get mad.'

'Even if you're turned on beyond belief and I suddenly freeze up? You'd be left, uh, unsatisfied.'

'I have these hands for a reason, Dean,' Castiel sounds chastising and it takes Dean a moment to catch up, but then he starts laughing.

'That's awful,' he puts a hand around his stomach just in case, but of course alpha doesn't get mad. He smiles instead, and smells so relieved. 'But thanks.'

'As a fact, could you tell me if you're still sore?'

Dean sits up and winces big time, cause it stings so much he can't suppress it.

'Guess so,' he replies, but Castiel's already sitting up as well and nudging him to get in position. Dean's muscles lock and he goes rigid. 'No, wait, please.'

'If it's too much, how about you stand up and bend over by the drawer, and I'll stay in bed, huh? I promise I won't touch you, but I need to see.'

Dean looks at him, warring between wanting to please his good alpha, show him trust, and his own instinct to flee, which, of course, makes no sense, given how eagerly he's spread his legs for alpha just the night before. Nothing about what he's feeling makes sense anymore. 

'No, go on,' Dean says, and clenches his teeth, and presents. He's shaking, though, and Castiel doesn't touch him. He just bends down and looks, and it's over in just five seconds - Dean knows, he's counting as he tries to calm down - and alpha's already pulling him up by his shoulder, so gently, even though Dean flinches. 

'Come on, hon, we need to put some cream on that,' Castiel says to him, and his brow is furrowed. 'It's really red, still swollen. I'll stop by a pharmacy and ask about it today.'

He gets up and holds out his hand, and helps Dean up. Dean grimaces; walking hurts, but it makes him forget his fear and he lets alpha wrap an arm around him and steer him to the bathroom, where he produces a bottle of ointment from the cabinet. 

'Do you want to do it yourself?'

'No, it's okay,' Dean tells him. He's lying. It's not okay, he's scared, and he has no idea why. It's probably the fact that for the last twenty years of his life, letting any alpha touch his abused hole was never a good idea. But he still remembers Castiel's distraught expression when Dean told him he was scaring him. He trusts him more than he ever trusted anyone except his family, and he wants to show it. He braces himself on the counter and bends down, planting his feet firmly on the ground. 

'My good omega,' Castiel says, and pets Dean's back, before spreading his cheeks and applying the cream to the swollen flesh. Dean contains his flinch, and then a whimper, cause it really hurts and having fingers there is the second worst thing - with having cock there being number one. Some of his distress must show in his scent, though, because Castiel shushes him. 'Almost done.'

Then, something incredible happens. The pain disappears.

'What?' Dean cranes his head but of course he can't see anything. 'How the hell did you do that, alpha?'

'What?' Castiel frowns, takes a step back. 'Does it hurt more?'

'No, it doesn't hurt _at all_!' Dean puts his own fingers there, presses hard, but the sting is gone. 'What the fuck?'

'Stop,' Castiel orders and pulls his hand back. 'You'll hurt yourself.'

'How did you _do that_?' 

'It's just numbing cream,' alpha hands him the ointment and Dean holds it like it's made of glass. 'It's supposed to numb the pain.'

'This- I,' Dean says, because he doesn't know what else to say and he thinks he's honestly going to cry. He just stands there and thinks of all the times in his life when he didn't even know this existed but it could've taken away so much. The time with the broken arm, sure, but also every time he was sore, or the bruises on his face, or that one he felt for months in the small of his back or the _goddamn knee_ , the knee lasted for years and he had to learn how to walk again, and- and this thing has been there all that time, a medicine that might as well be some fairy potion shit, with how unreal its effects seem. Painkillers were the best he's gotten, extremely rarely, and they were weak, barely made it better after a long wait. And Alastair... well, Alastair must've known. All of them did. They just never cared, nor did the doctors at the center, no one ever cared enough to numb the pain of some random omega. Castiel just gives it to him. He doesn't want to have his dick sucked or for Dean to attend his friends at a party, he doesn't want anything for it, it's an everyday thing to everyone, everyone except for Dean. 

His fingers are trembling and the cream shakes in his hand, and his sight is suddenly blurry. 

'Dean,' Castiel breathes out, so close. Dean expects him to ask questions, to be worried like he usually is, but no, this time he's just really fucking sad. Dean's face crumples but he sets his mouth in a thin line, determined to keep all the sounds in. Castiel lays a hesitant hand on his shoulder and when Dean doesn't shrug it off, he embraces him tightly. They don't say anything. They stand under the yellow light, in front of the sink and the mirror, and hold each other. There's no need for words when Castiel gets it all.

 

 

Dean takes a shower, leaving his ass alone, and feels better when he washes off the scents and the sweat from the evening before. More steady. He dresses up and is downstairs in time for coffee, with Castiel glancing at the news and opening a paper box. Dean frowns until he realizes what it is.

'You still have the cakes!' he exclaims in awe. He was sure alpha just ate them the night before. 

'Come on, they can be our breakfast. I'm running a little late,' Castiel sits down on the bench and Dean joins him by the kitchen table. The pastry looks good, and not at all ruined by the night it's spent in the car. It's okay, but not mindblowing. Dean tells alpha just that.

'Hm, I quite like it,' Castiel admits, taking the second slice. 'I'm going to be home by six again, Dean. I'll try to come back as soon as I can. Any requests for dinner?'

'Nah, it's okay, I'll make it,' Dean assures him. They have all the ingredients they need, and he's gonna be home all day anyway. He thinks he could change their sheets, but there's not much else to be done around the house. 'Can I use the Internet?'

'You can use it anytime.'

Dean notices that Castiel's filled his new bee mug with coffee, and he smiles.

 

 

It's only been an hour and he's already missing alpha like hell. Part of it must be because of what's happened between them the night before, but another part... that's just Dean being lonely. He's already cleaned their bedroom and now he sits (on a pillow, at Castiel's wish) in front of the computer. His new blanket lays folded next to him so that he can run his palm over it from time to time. It feels almost sacrilegious. It's so unlike him, it's not manly and his dad or Sam would die laughing if they saw him like that, not to mention any alphas from his past, they'd mock him to no end. But... the blanket is soft and his. And he just... needs to touch it. It's like there's an itch he can't scratch unless he touches it. It scares him a little, but maybe it's just another one of those things that happen to him now that he has a proper alpha. 

Google finally opens and Dean stares at the screen. It would be so easy. Just type the two words, and find out the answers to the questions that had him awake for countless nights, especially his first few years at Alastair's. Then, he's gotten better at pretending Sam never really existed, at pushing him to the back of his mind. It just hurt too much. But as it turns out, now that he can talk about him, it's not as hard as he's thought. The memories are good, and... is he really able to go on not knowing what happened to his brother?

He leans forward, heart thumping in his chest like a drum, and types, 'Sam Winchester'.

His mouth is dry and his hands are shaking as the laptop processes his request. The first link is a Facebook link, and Dean clicks on it, and almost has a stroke.

It is Sammy. He's huge, he's the size of a mammoth or a bulldozer, and Dean's not really sure when he's started crying but he scrolls down. Sam's gotta be thirty-five now, and he might've grown, but he still has the same face Dean'd know anywhere. The floppy hair, has he never fucking cut it? There's not many pics, just Sammy smiling politely during a dinner of some kind, Dean doesn't recognize any other people in the photo, and then standing in front of the office - lawyer's office - and it's clear it was a photo made for the job. 

Dean feels like he's going to explode. He tries to take everything in at once. He reads Sam's living in a different state, and that he works as a lawyer in some big corporation, and then his birthday posts. There's some people he doesn't know but there's also aunt Ellen, aunt Ellen who's gotta be sixty something now, and she writes 'come visit us soon, boy'. Does he have an omega, a wife, a husband? Kids? There's nothing on the page suggesting that, but there's also nothing that suggests he doesn't, and he's really made it, he's finished Stanford like he wanted to and got to achieve all his dreams-

Dean shuts the laptop and grabs his knees and puts his head between them and tries to breathe. 

There's no reason for Sam to be dead. He should've expected to find proof of his life, of twenty years of his good, successful life. Sam's an alpha, why shouldn't he have a great job and the whole white picket fence deal? Accidents happen, and Dean's worst nightmare was finding an obituary, finding out that Sam's been pushing daisies for the past couple years and he'd never ever talk to him again. But it turns out this isn't much better, however nasty that sounds. He's missed Sam's entire life. There's no fixing that. 

He doesn't know what he's expected. But the fact that they're all alive... aunt Ellen, Sam, probably Jo, then, and Sam's family, whoever they may be... And they're all out there, while he's been stuck in... in hell. It's a little too much, if a little means a lot.  
It takes him a while to calm down. It's good, it's good, he should be happy. He should be grateful. But if he's honest, he doesn't feel anything. 

He opens the laptop again. Sam's still smiling in the photo. He looks his age, and Dean studies his face. There's something... something off. He knows his brother, and he can tell something's troubling Sam, or maybe something's been troubling him for a while. It's in his eyes, or in his slightly sheepish expression, some reluctance in the smile, and all of it tells Dean that he's trying to be nice, but he doesn't feel like he's all there. Something Dean can relate to, a lot. 

It drives him crazy that he can't know what it is. 

So much could've happened. He could've been sick, or lost people, or had an accident, or maybe he was just missing his family. Unlikely, given how he never even tried to contact him over the years, but... Alastair didn't like Dean having any acquaintances. Maybe he just made sure Dean would never be found. 

Or maybe Sam just never bothered to look. Maybe he accepted that Dean had an alpha now, and that was enough for him. Maybe he thought Dean was happy or at least... that it was right, him having an alpha, like he used to believe. 

Dean googles the company name and looks through the list of _Members_ , and finds a small note about Sam. Stanford graduate, Nebraska native. Dean snorts. Yeah, not so much. He must've changed his papers once he went to live with aunt Ellen, made it his home state. And then, there was his phone number and e-mail, for work purposes only. 

Dean sits and stares at it. He has a phone and he's sure he'd be able to e-mail him as well, maybe even without alpha's help. There's enough tutorials on the Web. 

But does he want to? 

What would he say? _Hey, Sammy, been a while? Yeah, I've been good, just been beaten and trained for twenty years and then my alpha died in a fire? Now I live with another one, and he likes taking care of freaks like me. You can visit sometime and we'll chat about my panic attacks and fear of speaking out of turn._

He wouldn't want Sam to see him so weak, so ruined; he wouldn't even want to see him be the hug-loving blanket-wrapped caricature of himself. He's worked hard to prove to everyone that he was just as good and strong as any alpha; now he's nothing. He's not the brother Sam had, and Dean prefers to be remembered as the tough as nails, confident kid he used to be. Not... not this. 

And he's not sure if he'd handle learning how much has changed while he was gone. Or... or that Sam didn't care. That he didn't look. Because deep inside, he has a feeling that it's how it could've been.

He closes all tabs and shuts the laptop down. Doesn't matter. He knows Sammy's alive, and successful, and that's already good. 

His phone buzzes and he flinches, and looks down on it. A message. He taps it and opens it, and it's alpha, of course.

_How are you doing?_

Dean types quickly, appreciating the distraction. 

_good, cleaned the bedroom_

He hits send. And then adds,

_miss you_

And deletes it before he can send.

 

 

Dean hears the engine as he's finishing preparing dinner. He wipes his hands on the kitchen rag and goes to the door, and kneels. He really hopes alpha's going to tell him about work, cause he needs any distraction he can get. He's convinced now that seeking Sam out was a bad idea. He finally has a chance to enjoy his life, why create more problems to deal with? Can't he just let himself take a break? 

The door opens and Castiel storms in, an air of excitement around him. 

'Dean,' he greets him and Dean starts to say 'Hello-' but is cut off as Castiel grabs him by the arm and lifts him off his knees. 

'I haven't told you yet, but you really don't need to kneel for me.'

'Like... at all?' Dean frowns. 

'I'll tell you if it will ever be required, alright?' he barely waits for Dean's nod before adding hastily: 'The man from the other company arrived. The one I told you would come to work with us and then I'd get to make my project, remember?'

'Today?' Dean raises his eyebrows. 'That's great, you said it can be weeks from now on!'

'Yes, I know!' Castiel grins, and Dean's never seen him so animated, he thinks. Except yesterday, but that was different. 'I think it's really going to happen! I'm going to have so much work in the next week, but I think it will be worth it.'

'Sure, yeah,' Dean smiles, though he feels a pang of sadness at the idea of being left alone like before, with alpha shut in his study for days and him loitering around the house. But it's not fair, alpha doesn't deserve his moping; he's been nothing but perfect to him and this is his dream, and it might finally come true, so Dean's going to give everything he has to help him out. 'I'll take care of everything in the meantime. You just work, alpha.'

'How have you been? You're not hurting anymore?' alpha asks, taking off his shoes and hanging his coat by the door. Ugh. Dean doesn't really wanna talk about it again, but it does hurt some, and it's The Rule, so he has to tell. 

'Just a bit,' he shrugs and turns around to go to the kitchen, finish the meal. 

'Dean,' the word has just the slightest tinge of warning and Dean stops. 

'We could,' he says, swallowing around the sudden lump in his throat, which has nothing to do with fear and a lot to do with embarrassment. It's so hard to feel comfortable around Castiel when he's naked, when they're not turned on. 'I- I could put some more of that cream on it, later. If you want me to.'

'Can I see?' Castiel asks, coming closer and putting a hand on Dean's shoulder, but Dean freezes.

'No,' he barks out, and goes rigid. 

They stare at each other for a beat, Dean's heart thumping against his ribcage like it's going to blow up, Castiel's expression unreadable. The tension is so heavy in the air, Dean's the first who relents, panic taking over, and says: 'I'm sorry. Of course you can, I'm so sorry.' 

He tries to untie the string that keeps his sweatpants from sliding down his thin hips, his hands suddenly shaking so much, it's hard to do it. So he just pulls them down forcefully, and takes off his boxers, his soft tiny cock trying to shrink back into his body, his entire frame trembling now.

'I'll just- I'm sorry-' 

'Stop,' Castiel orders, and Dean does, he stops dead in some half-bowed position and tries to breathe. Why the fuck did he say no? He knows better than that, and it's alpha Castiel, the one that will listen, so Dean could just say he felt scared or some other emo shit like that and he'd listen, he knows he would, so why-

Castiel comes even closer, with no regard of personal space, and even though they're standing in the middle of the room Dean feels crowded, and as the alpha reaches down his legs- _he's going to throw him to the floor and beat him until he bleeds or break his legs Dean knows he knows he's been there before_ \- Dean scurries back, runs into a chair and trips, taking it down with him. His bare ass hits the ground and now it really hurts, and he curls up into a ball, a familiar position, and protects his head. It means he's not protecting his lower body and he's shaking, waiting for the pain, not hearing anything but his ragged breathing, making a wheezing sound where it's trapped in the hot space between his elbows and the ground. 

He knows alpha has to be out there, but can't think of anything else than having pissed him off. Right now, it's not Castiel, it's just someone who has every right to hurt him, and his muscles are pulled taut and he couldn't unwrap his arms if he tried. 

He feels that someone's close to him. He doesn't open his eyes but can feel the presence, and there's alpha's hand, and he flinches and whimpers, but it just rests on top of his back, not moving. It takes ten more breaths before an entire arm encompasses him and pulls him a little closer, and he understands alpha's on the floor, laying down next to him. 

'-with me,' he hears, but can't open his eyes, can't let himself listen. He just shakes his head, his nails digging into his scalp, _please just get it over with._

'-breathe-' he is, he is breathing, he's sure of that. That's the only thing that he really hears. 'With me.'

With him? He can't tell if the alpha is breathing at all. 

There's a hand trying to pry his arm away from his head, and he pulls back, no, _protect the head_ , but the alpha doesn't give up and in one strong move, he forces his hand from his hair to alpha's chest. Dean goes motionless, thrown off, why would his hand be there. But it is, and he can feel it go up and down with alpha's exhales and inhales, and _oh, okay._

He tries to match his breathing with alpha's, and it's not easy at first, he feels like he's suffocating, but he can smell the praise, he can smell that alpha's content with what he's doing, and that he's trying to calm him down. Dean shakes less and less, he thinks, and his ears start letting more sounds in, the deafening static quieting down.

'-please, Dean, tell me if you hear me, you're doing so well, do you hear me, Dean, let me know if-'

'I hear you,' Dean tells him, his voice raspy, finally opening his eyes. Alpha Castiel looks worried, but his scent doesn't betray it; like with Sam before, it's something in his eyes, and Dean thinks maybe he could make a goddamn living out of it if he's such a psychic, if he can read people so well. Too bad he didn't see the truth in Alastair's eyes when he first met him. 'Sorry.'

'Just breathe,' Castiel brings a hand to his hair and brushes his fingers gently through it. Dean breathes. Castiel's stretched out on the floor by his side, his fancy suit getting wrinkled, but his gaze patient and calmer now, never once leaving his face. Once some of the panic subsides, Dean feels more and more stupid, and embarrassment was what got him in that situation in the first place.

'I'm so-' he starts, but Castiel shushes him. 

'Did you hurt yourself when you fell?'

'No, just my... My hole hurts even more now,' Dean squeezes his eyes shut and presses a hand to them, wishing he could disappear. 'I'm sorry, I don't like talking about... that.'

'Being hurt?' Castiel's hand doesn't stop the soothing movement. Dean shrugs. 'Being hurt in an intimate place?'

'Just intimate places,' Dean reveals, voice tight, mostly to keep him from more guessing.

'That's okay. Will you apply the ointment yourself, if I ask you to?'

Dean spreads his fingers and looks through them at Castiel's serious face.

'Yeah.'

'Then let's get up, and go put it on. I'll serve dinner in the meantime.'

And that's it. He helps Dean up, helps him pull up his pants - just what he's been trying to do before, what's prompted his freakout, Dean realizes - and sends him upstairs. Dean goes there, unsteady, trying to wrap his head around what happened. Nothing. Nothing happened. He refused an alpha, then sent alpha's furniture to the floor, then lost his fucking mind, and still. Nothing happened. He gets medicine, and he can use it in private, on his own.

When he comes back, there are steaming plates on the table, and alpha's already changed into home clothes, humming, as if he's already forgotten about it all, as if it's an everyday thing. When Dean sits down carefully, he tells him about his day, about the new executive and what he expects him to be like. Then goes on about his projects and Dean doesn't understand almost anything he says, it's all about algorithms and data, but it's nice to listen to him. Once or twice Castiel pauses chewing and concludes that some solution is a good  
idea, as if Dean's an active participant, but that feels nice too. Castiel's clearly in his element, years of experience showing in the way he speaks about it, the easy confidence that comes with all the complicated names and math formulas and whatever else is there. 

'So I think that's what I'm gonna be doing those next couple of days, but I'm sure the others will help me out,' Castiel finishes, taking Dean's empty plate from him. It's the most Dean's heard him talk, ever. 'You said you cleaned the bedroom today, did you use the blanket for the nest?'

The change of topic is unexpected, and Dean blinks before he frowns.

'What?'

'I noticed you've been nesting for a while now,' Castiel continues, turning back to look at him.

'Is that... is that good? What is it?'

'Nesting? You don't know what nesting is?' Dean's face must say it all, _stupid_ , but Castiel's not phased much once again. He goes past Dean, opens the laptop that's been left on the table. 'Well, come on! We'll read all about it. I think you're gonna like it.'

Alpha being so energetic is a weird thing to get used to, but Dean doesn't exactly mind. He goes to sit by Castiel's side, and they google nesting. It's a website for alphas, and there's a picture of a bird in a nest and a lot of text.

'It's when you collect "anything soft that feels good to touch and smell", and surround yourself with it,' Castiel reads out loud, scanning the article. 'It provides a sense of comfort and safety. Most omegas start nesting once they find a place where they feel secure, usually a bed, a laundry room, a corner of the bedroom. Females may want to keep their babies in the nest with them months after birth. Nesting is an instinct males harbor as well, though they are not capable of bearing offspring.'

'Thank god for that,' Dean murmurs and Castiel glances at him. 'So I just make this... nest... for myself? Like some kind of one person bunker?'

'Not entirely, no,' Castiel goes back to the text and continues reading. 'It is one of the strongest omega instincts, so it is not recommended to try and prevent it. Consider using access to the nest as a treat instead, a tried way to keep your omega in line - oh,' he seems to realize what he's reading and looks back at Dean. 'I apologize. That is appalling.'

'It's okay,' Dean says, not bothered much. Being banned from a bunch of blankets doesn't strike him as a hardcore punishment. 'Is there anything more?'

This time, Castiel reads through before he replies, and Dean leans forward to read too, he's just slower. There's a bit about omegas inviting alphas into the nest, but since it is their 'sacred space', even the most docile ones may lash out when it's invaded uninvited. Nothing a series of strict beatings won't fix, the article assures, and Dean smiles wrily. Of course. Everyone has a breaking point, and you can beat some instincts out of people. He remembers the Quiet Game with Alastair, remembers how he "motivated" him not to shield himself from the blows, how eventually, some things that got beaten into him took over his instincts. Like not speaking without being asked, or not asking for things, or not coughing when he was sick until it became unbearable. He gives Alastair ten more years before he'd finally be the perfect omega, but who knows? One thing Alastair did like about him was that even when he started trying to please him, to follow orders, there were still things he couldn't force his body to do. There was still some spirit in him, Alastair would say, but Dean just felt more like a failure than anything else. If his body would comply, he'd get in less trouble, and maybe just maybe he'd get a bit of nice touch. Nice touch was so rare, he remembered all the instances, but it only happened when he was exceptionally good.

Sometimes after a good fuck, or once when he prepared that dinner party for alpha's boss which got him to cancel some of Alastair's debt... that party was a success, and Dean still remembers clearing the table and alpha coming from behind and _hugging_ him. 'You did well, pet,' he'd said, and Dean felt his chest tighten with feeling, a flood of happiness coursing through him, though he _hated_ alpha and it confused him. He nuzzled his head into alpha's chest, then, very tentatively, and the hands that always hit and cut and hurt turned him around and rubbed his back, just once, and there was no pain. Dean hated the weird, sudden hope that things could get better - fifteen years into their marriage - he hated how good and foreign that touch felt, hated how he knew his eyes were showing both the cautious hope and sparks of wonder. He raised his arms to hug alpha back, and that was a mistake - the tips of his fingers barely met alpha's shirt when he was violently pushed back and landed with his back on the table, hard, breath knocked out of him. 'How do I feel about clingy bitches, pet?' Alastair'd asked, his voice ice cold, and Dean felt his eyes fill with tears, unexpected and burning. 'You hate them,' he replied in a small voice, knowing well, having learnt just the first month into their marriage that hugging and comfort touches were a no go. 'I'm sorry, alpha.' 'Don't do it again,' Alastair'd warned him and Dean nodded hastily, and that was it. He still cherished it, though, and he hated that, hated his dumb instincts, how weak he was in that moment, but it shocked him how much he yearned for it. Until he met alpha Castiel, who was the first alpha to ever touch him with so much kindness. His hugs didn't come with conditions, they were on another level. 

'Do you want to go upstairs? I'll help you finish the nest, if you'd let me,' Castiel offers just now, Dean blinking the memories away and smiling uncertainly.

'Sure,' he says. 'I don't really know how to do that.'

'I think you do, baby, you just need to let your omega nature take over,' Castiel gets up and heads upstairs, grabbing Dean's western blanket on the way, with the omega following closely. Once in the bedroom, Dean looks at their bed differently. There's three blankets on his side and his side only, and he's been sleeping in them since he got sick. They felt good and he liked arranging them until they were in places that felt correct. It kind of felt like fitting Tetris blocks together, or maybe puzzle pieces. He's never questioned it before, never even noticed, but maybe it was weird. He'd never done it at Alastair's or before, with dad. 

'Try to make this one fit however you like it,' Castiel proposes and hands him the blanket, and Dean goes to work. It feels incredibly awkward and tense at first, but soon, he's got the blanket spread just the way he wants it, and when he looks at the - nest - it's just... it's right.

'More blankets?' Castiel asks, cocking his head to the side, surveying their bed. 

'No, it's a lot already,' Dean tells him, but hesitates. 

'Try it out,' Castiel encourages him, stepping closer. 'Lay down and see how it feels.'

Dean feels stupid, but he's grateful that alpha's not laughing at him. He's never done anything so omega, simply for his own enjoyment. He sits in the nest and touches everything, not sure how he knows, adjusts a blanket here and there, and suddenly finds himself in the middle of it, more comfortable than ever. Castiel's looking at him with a proud smile. 

'Does it need something more?'

'Yeah,' Dean says, sniffing hard. The smell is off, and when the reason finally gets to him, he blushes. 'You.'

Castiel frowns for a second before understanding, and his face splits into a grin. In one swift move, he takes off his T-shirt. 

'Woah-' Dean's startled, but alpha's already leaning forward and passing the shirt to him. 

'Scent it,' he orders, and Dean presses his nose to the shirt without hesitation. Something inside him cheers - yes, that's _right_ , that's exactly what he's needed - the smell of good alpha, the smell of protection - and he puts it near his head.  


'It's good now,' he informs alpha seriously. Holds out his hand. 'Now I need the real thing.'

Castiel beams at him - there's no other word to describe it - and almost jumps into bed. Dean pulls his arm until he gets so close, they're both cocooned in the blankets, and Dean sighs, content. 

'Thanks so much,' he says. 'For letting me do the omega things, and giving me your shirt, and helping me build the nest, and earlier, too.'

'Why wouldn't I let you do omega things? You are an omega, Dean.'

'Yeah,' Dean thinks of dad. Safe is illusive. He could never afford to feel safe. Dad's always said, watch out for alphas, assume everyone is always out to get you. Learn how to fight. Learn how to never let your guard down. Learn how to avoid the law, and how to never trust anyone. He was right, all of it fit the life they lived, all of it helped him survive for years, with dad going out of his way to get him beta scent pills, or alpha scent pills for himself, to pass as Dean's alpha after he turned eighteen. Their life was never safe, so Dean's never even thought about making _nests_. Even the idea of hoarding blankets to burrow himself in them on a motel bed almost makes him snort out loud; dad might've laughed, but mostly he'd think less of him for needing to be so soft.

'Do you have a fact?' Castiel asks him in the meantime, caressing his knuckles so tenderly, and Dean notices they're the ones that got bruised during the shop fight. It seems unreal that alpha remembers. 

'Sure,' he says, quickly looks around, his gaze landing on the kickass cowboy blanket. 'I like old westerns. Especially Clint Eastwood ones. When I was a kid, whenever I'd get sick, my dad and brother and I, we'd watch those marathons on TV. Sometimes the image was so bad, you could barely make out what was going on, but I loved it. It's the ultimate comfort movies for me.'

Castiel smells pleased and calm next to him.

'When I was a child, a cook we had in the house would make me chocolate chip cookies,' he shares, and Dean thinks, wow, a cook, but then another memory surfaces, one that makes his throat close up.

'My- uh, my mom,' he says. 'She'd make me tomato rice soup whenever I'd get sick. There's something to be said about comfort food, think it worked better than medicine.'

Castiel must sense some sadness coming from him, because he squeezes his hand.

'Do you want to watch one of your comfort movies tonight? I can't promise a disappointing image with all the streaming services we have nowadays, but...'

'Would be awesome,' Dean grins. 'Can we stay here?'

'Of course,' Castiel's bare chest feels so warm as Dean slowly cuddles closer, and Castiel, as always, takes the invitation and wraps his arms tightly around him. The nest feels like the coziest place on Earth right now. They end up watching two movies and Dean knows all the lines by heart, and he tells Castiel. Alpha gets that rare, playful smile on his face as he dares him to say them along with the cast, and Dean nails all of it. They fall asleep in the nest, and Dean's last coherent thought is that the day turned out to be nice, after all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for the long radio silence, life's been very busy recently. i plan to continue writing this fic until the very end though, so no worries, im not getting burned out or anything.  
> mostly a lot of fluff in this chapter, i guess! some things got revealed. as always, thank you for the support, and please do let me know what you think! :))


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> timeline: day 8, 9 (05/04, 05/05).

When he wakes up, alpha's gone. The bed feels vacant and he's still groggy and so tired. He gets out of bed, blindly tries to walk downstairs, and slowly succeeds. Alpha's by the stove, cooking breakfast. This must be what heaven feels like - except they should have both gotten enough sleep first.

Dean shuffles close, his hair a mess and his eyes drooping.

'Morning, sleepyhead,' Castiel says, smiling warmly as he glances at him over his shoulder. He looks so radiant. Dean comes forward and rests his head on said shoulder, alpha's hands jostling him when they flip whatever it is sizzling on the pan. 

'Come back to bed,' Dean whines into alpha's neck, eyes shut, leaning on alpha and embracing him like a human support beam and wanting nothing but comfortable sleep. 

He feels alpha chuckle.

'I wish I could, sweetheart,' he turns a bit to leave a kiss on Dean's head. Dean holds him closer and continues to stand there in silence, floating in something hazy like a dream, until alpha really moves and it makes him flinch and blink his eyes open. 

'I made you bacon, if that's any consolation,' Castiel says, and Dean takes a step back, more awake. There really was bacon on the pan, a smell he didn't feel coherent enough to identify, plus alpha's shoulder was smelling so good, anyway. 

'Bacon? For me?' Dean asks, his lips stretching in a pleased smile. 'Awesome.'

They sit by the table like every morning, and alpha serves him breakfast while Dean butters up some bread. He could easily get used to this - falling asleep together, watching old movies and making meals. It feels so amazing to have company. He wouldn't mind it if he were the one to do all the work. Having alpha around would be satisfying enough.

'Any nightmares tonight?'

Dean shakes his head, his mouth full of bacon. It's so good. Also, second night without nightmares!

'And how about your intimate place?' if Dean wasn't so tired, he'd choke. 

'Uh, s'fine,' he says. 'Maybe one more round with the cream. Later.'

'Of course. I also think we should abstain from intercourse until you are fully healed.'

'Sure,' Dean mumbles, staring at his plate.

'I went to the pharmacy yesterday and asked about it. They said it is pretty common if the knotting lasts so long. We can use plugs to make you stretched more, so-'

This time, Dean does choke. 

'Can we please - not talk about that? When we eat?'

'Oh,' Castiel looks down at his plate as if he's only noticed it now. 'I understand. It is pretty improper.'

'What time do you come back from work?' Dean asks, desperate to change the topic. 'The usual?'

'Yes, I suppose so, but if something changes, I'll call. Please don't clean today, get some more sleep.'

'Okay.'

Alpha smiles, and then prepares, leaving Dean at the table to rip his bread into small pieces and chew them lazily. He's so tired, a nap sounds great, but he's gonna miss alpha. Is he supposed to just sit around all day? He could watch movies. It's never been a problem before, but only because he didn't miss Alastair when he was left alone, and he had no other options. He'd been bored out of his mind, sure, but everything had to be spotless, dinner perfect, sometimes some other errands done. It was stressful and he had to do it just right to avoid punishment. Often things hurt enough that he didn't even dream of going out and was grateful if he could rest for a moment. Alastair had never been consistent, too. Sometimes he was gone for days on end, not telling him anything. He rarely had fixed work hours. With Castiel there's routine, but there's also a taste of normal life, of going out, and it's harder to stay at home now.

 

 

Dean spends the entire day watching movies and shows, and then makes dinner, which doesn't even take him an hour. Alpha's back a little late, but he storms in, tired yet with a smile, and it takes all the willpower Dean has not to kneel as he stands by the door instead.

'I think it's really happening,' alpha announces, taking off his coat. 'The executive seems to be honest, not corrupt like so many, and I think he's really passionate about his job. He's an expert, at least. The project should go great, we've already divided the work between everyone. Of course, I have the most, being the team leader, but by the end of the week, most of it should be done!'

'That's awesome,' Dean smiles, happy to have some energy around. The day on the couch has made him sleepy and a little sad. 

'How did you spend your day?'

'Watched some movies,' Dean shrugs as they go to the living room. 

'Anything good?'

Dean shrugs again. He doesn't feel like talking about the plot. He serves the food, but notices Castiel's watching him as he opens his laptop (already? he's _just_ come back).

'What's wrong?'

'Nothin',' Dean puts the plates on the table and sits down. He doesn't even like the meal much. It's just a shitty, slow kind of day. 

'Dean,' alpha tilts his head and grips Dean's arm. The omega's glad he doesn't flinch much. 'You know you can talk to me, right? You remember the rule?'

'I do,' Dean nods. 'I'm not hurt, or sick, I swear. I don't know, guess I'm just tired. Tomorrow I'll be better.'

Castiel accepts his explanation and then spends his evening in the study. Dean hears some voices, he must be talking to his teammates, again. He stays on the couch, watching a sci-fi movie idly and without interest. Nothing sounds appealing and he doesn't know why. It's probably just a day like that. He keeps glancing at the door to the study; he can barely see them from where he is, in the corridor behind the stairs. 

He ends up falling asleep to something with Natalie Portman in it, and only wakes when he feels someone picking him up.

'Wha-' he mumbles, instinctively wrapping his arms around alpha's neck. He can't open his eyes.

'Time for bed, baby, it's late,' Castiel explains gently, his deep voice rumbling in his chest as he carries him. They end up in the bedroom, and Dean just keeps sleeping. 

 

 

The next morning, he wakes up to an empty bed, again. There's a note on the nightstand, though, and he wipes a hand over his eyes as he reads it. 

_Dean,_

_I didn't attempt to wake you, as you seem to need your sleep. I hope you feel better today. Call me when you wake up so that I know you're alright. There's breakfast for you in the fridge._

_Castiel_  
  
It's cute, and he smiles, but also looks at the clock and it's freaking noon. He supposes it's fine for him to sleep so much, since alpha's let him, and before, he's been sleeping for about six hours a night, sometimes less - for years. It feels like he can finally unwind a little and let his body rest, and it feels good, it feels so good to stretch in his nest and let himself lay across the entire king-sized bed, with no one to be mad at him for that. He feels fresh today and takes a long hot shower, styles his hair again, like before, cause he has time. He checks the phone alpha's given him and sees (11 missed calls), startled. 

They're all from alpha, of course they are. He feels anxious as he presses the call back button; alpha's gotta be pissed, he did write 'call me asap', and Dean was just... lounging. Taking his time. 

'Dean?' alpha answers almost instantly, after the first beep. 'Are you okay?'

'Yes, I'm so sorry,' Dean rushes out, his mouth dry. 'I slept until twelve-oh-nine. I've read your note but I took a shower first, and I didn't see the calls, so it's been-' he calculates quickly, alphas like concrete data, they like him to know how he's managed the time, _twelve minutes late = twelve hours without food,_ he remembers Alastair's rule. 'It's been twenty-five minutes.'

He's not sure if it's a general rule. It might be. Alpha might know it, and he might say that he's sorry, but they have to go through with it. Twenty-five hours isn't the worst. It's just more than a day, and yeah, his stomach is already growling, but he can do it. 

'It's okay, Dean, I was just worried you were sick again.'

'I'm not,' Dean assures him. 'Promise. I feel really good now, actually.'

'That's great. Have you eaten already?'

'No,' he shakes his head. Should he ask? He has to ask. 'Should- I- uh, I have a question.'

'Of course.'

'I don't know-' he trails off. If alpha doesn't know about the rule, he shouldn't suggest it, right? Alpha's been so clueless about omegas so far. But he's been also kind. Dean knows he won't eat breakfast if he's not sure that he's allowed. His stomach growls again, and he presses his fist to it. He got spoiled, he used to go days with almost no food at all, but now he actually wonders what he's going to eat, he's gotten so picky.

'It's okay. What is your question about?' Castiel seems to pick up on his discomfort. 

'Breakfast,' Dean replies reluctantly, and doesn't offer anything else. 

'Have I made something you don't like?' 

'I don't know what you've made yet. I'm upstairs.'

'Then go downstairs, to the fridge, alright?'

Dean does. He steps into the kitchen. Everything's so quiet and so is alpha, and he feels like he should say something, but he doesn't know what. Suddenly, and not for the first time, he's tired of the tension he's creating, tired of the games they have to play so that he can get over his fear, and he opens the fridge, and there's a big plate full of tiny sandwiches. Dean's made similar ones in the past. There's just about everything on them; cheese and ham and cottage cheese, and vegetables, and hard-boiled eggs. 

'It looks real good,' Dean says. 

'Do you want to eat it?'

'Yeah.'

'Then what's the problem? The food is good, it's there, and you want to eat it. You don't feel bad and-' technically, Dean knows Castiel's just listing off possible causes of his worries, trying to get to the bottom of it without asking him outright, but he can't help feeling like he's irritating alpha with all this ridiculous complaining. 

'Twenty-five minutes,' Dean tells him in a pained voice, cause he can't stand it. God, why can't he just fucking say it? _Am I allowed to eat, alpha? Do I have to starve for a day cause I wanted to take a long shower? Just tell me, cause if yes, I won't eat. The food is right there but I won't eat, ain't that what good omegas do?_

'Oh,' Castiel says, and finally, he must get it. 'I'm not mad at you, Dean, you know that, right? I was just worried. I'm not angry that you were late to call me back.'

'It's a rule,' Dean explains weakly. 'I don't - don't know if it's for every alpha, or-'

'You will never go hungry, Dean. Never. I will never hurt you.'

'Right,' Dean says. 'Right. Thanks. It's just- it's a rule. I don't know how many rules are there that you have to follow too. I know you won't hurt me. I know, you said so, I just - sometimes, I get lost, cause all alphas I've known have been doing that, and-'

'Dean, I don't care about any rules.'

'There are some you gotta care about,' Dean convinces him. 'Like the punishment center thing. If I run away, you can't stop them from correcting me.'

'Do you want to run away?'

'No.'

'Then you're safe.'

'Yeah,' Dean agrees out of habit, but it's true, he hasn't thought about that. The punishment center was always a grim distant threat hanging over his head, but if Castiel doesn't send him and he doesn't run away, with a little luck, he might never have to visit it again. The thought is new and relieving, but still kind of unbelievable. 'But the check-up? You gotta take me to the yearly check-up. It's the law.'

'What's scary about the check-up?'

Dean sits on the counter. Now that he's started going and alpha's so calm and patient, it's not so hard to talk about it. He feels lighter, too, getting it out for the first time _ever._

'The doctors, they, uh, they'll ask you questions. About me being... satisfactory. And - and e-everyone can hear,' he can feel himself blush. 'It's in the corridor. And they'll have you fill out some form and then they'll - they'll take me.'

'For the check-up? What happens there?'

'They do some exams but uh, sometimes,' Dean nervously rubs his knees. 'Sometimes something's wrong with you, and that's when you worry.'

'Why?'

He remembers the wheelchair. Remembers alpha next to his hospital bed, the image blurry on the edges because of how much he was hurting. Remembers gritting his teeth to keep the sounds in but still whining lowly, unable to stop it. 

'Cause then you're a burden,' Dean tells him and closes his eyes. 

_Shut up,_ Alastair had said and he'd been trying so hard cause he was gonna be good now, he was gonna be perfect, but his mouth wouldn't listen to him and alpha got mad but doctor had said, _he can't help it,_ and then, _it's shattered, either you pay for this, or we cut his leg off._ And Dean had been shaking on the bed, his mangled knee a pulsing point of pure agony, telling alpha he'll do _anything anything anything_ to keep his leg. Alpha smacking him to stop his panicked blubbering and snarling at the doctor _i don't need a cripple,_ and doctor replying woodenly, _shouldn't have messed him up so bad, then._ Alastair leaving and not coming back for days while Dean couldn't move off of the bed, the nurse finally taking pity on him and giving him some morphine. Alastair coming back with the fixer-upper wheelchair, Dean's leg in a cast he didn't remember getting. The excruciatingly slow ride home, Alastair silent and pissed off, Dean in the backseat, still shaking, still determined to do better this time.

It was the only time Alastair went that far, and Dean thinks it scared him a little, too; probably only because he'd have legal problems for killing an omega. But maybe not. Those following weeks, Dean was on his best behavior, doing chores perfectly, obsessively even, even as he had to navigate his wheelchair on his own. And Alastair kept watching him with that weird, somber expression, and he had not yelled at him or beaten him up some more, and Dean was unsettled by the eerie calm. Did it really reach him, then, how violent he had become? Probably not. Most likely it was about how he didn't like Dean being like that. So... jumpy, so subservient, such a mess. When he was kneeling to welcome alpha with one leg in the cast stretched in front of him, when he prepared impeccable meals without being asked, for Alastair's friends, in advance. It finally came to an end one day when Dean had bumped the edge of the wheelchair into the table and a plate went down, crashing into a million tiny pieces, and Dean just froze. He couldn't force himself to move. Alastair looked up from his breakfast and stared at him, trembling in his seat. Dean could feel his eyes on him and still couldn't move, it was too much. 

Then, Alastair surprised him. 

'Are you gonna clean it up?' he'd asked, in a monotone voice, but observing him curiously. Like Dean was a new species of animal, and he was just getting to know him. 

'I can't move,' Dean had replied, back then, and he really couldn't. Alastair could have laid into him, and he still wouldn't have moved.

Alastair had gotten up and came over, and grabbed his chin to make Dean look at him. It wasn't rough. Dean remembers meeting his bleak eyes, calculating yet... wondering. Like Dean's new behavior was an extra page in a book he'd already read a thousand times. 

'I won't cut off your leg, if that's what this is about,' he'd said, watching him closely. Dean nodded, as much as he could, feeling nothing. 'I won't mess you up so bad either. It's cost me too much.'

He let go of Dean and turned around to push the wheelchair towards the bedroom, the porcelain shards making a crunching sound under the wheels. Dean wasn't sure what to expect, but it definitely wasn't Alastair putting him to bed, on his own, and telling him to sleep.

'You get one day off. Tomorrow, get yourself together,' it was more of a threat than an order, and Dean knew he was going to do it. It took some time, but his fear dissipated and his knee got better and eventually, he calmed down some. Which meant mistakes, which meant alpha being mad, but it never got as bad as when he broke his knee. Took years to walk normally again, and Dean was pretty sure it never fully healed, but he could think clearly again, he could think for himself, he could hate alpha and serve him out of self-preservation and not some mad, terror-driven need to be the best, to make him feel good. And it was also when he understood that alpha liked that fight in him, that little bit of himself, liked that he made mistakes and proved to be a challenge. Dean supposes he was just too boring when he did everything perfectly - there was no one to work on, no one left to train.

'Dean?'

Fuck, he's spaced out. Big time. 

'Sorry,' he says. 

'It's alright. I just said you're never a burden, no matter what happens to you. When you were last sick, were you a burden?'

Hell yeah. Alpha had to stay home for him, for days.

'I don't know,' he says. 'You said it was your job and you didn't mind, but you had to stay.'

'I liked staying. It helped us become friends, wouldn't you say?' Castiel sounds tentative. 

'Yeah,' Dean agrees. 

'The next time when you have the check-up, I'll go with you. I won't leave you alone.'

'Oh,' Dean says. It's never occurred to him before. Alphas don't really do that. 'Really?'

'Of course. Any other enforced rules I should know about?'

Dean thinks about it. 

'Well, you know about the collar...' he starts. 'And about me not being allowed into some places.'

'And the food?' Castiel sounds soft, now. 'Can you tell me about the food?'

'The food depends,' Dean says, shrugging, though no one can see him. 'If I'm late five minutes, I don't get to eat for five hours. But also - sometimes there were other reasons, I guess it's a popular one -'

'You thought I would force you to starve for twenty-five hours?!' Castiel's indignant and disbelieving. 

'I didn't think you would wanna, I thought maybe it's like a rule you gotta respect, or somethin',' Dean mumbles, staring at his lap. It's stupid. Who's gonna check? The guys who checked the omega filter? The filter that Castiel's disabled, by the way. 

'Dean, there are no rules I will ever respect, if they are made to harm you.'

He sounds so sure of himself. Okay. Dean wants to believe him. He keeps proving himself every day, and Dean's so frustrated that he can't just... go with it. How alpha has the patience to deal with him, he doesn't know.

'Thanks for this call,' he says. 'And breakfast. It's really- you know, it's helping me some. Can I do something for you now?'

He wishes he could, wishes he had anything to offer back. 

'Eat,' Castiel orders. 'As much as you want. And sit your butt on the couch, and watch some movies, or browse the Internet, or listen to music. Relax, Dean, and do whatever you want to. Alright?'

I want to be with you, Dean wants to say, but he doesn't. Instead, he promises to follow alpha's instructions and they hang up. Breakfast is delicious, and he does feel better after having talked to alpha, at least some. His hole doesn't hurt at all, and he thinks he and alpha can do it tonight. The thought soothes him even more; he misses the touch and the closeness. 

When alpha comes back home, he excuses himself to the study right away. Dean's left to eat on his own, staring at the offending study door, unable to hide his disappointment. He plays with the fork once he's done and thinks about it, and then thinks about it some more. No one likes needy omegas, yes, he _knows_. But maybe... Castiel does. Maybe if he makes a move... maybe it'll work out. He just wants to be around him, Jesus, is that too much to ask? 

And yeah, he should be grateful for what he already has, which is better than he's ever expected to get, but he's never been good at making the right decisions. 

So, he makes alpha coffee in the tallest mug he can find. He walks up to the door and stands there for a couple minutes, gathering his courage. He chickens out and goes back to the kitchen. Glares at the mug as if it's its fault that he's such a wimp. Then strolls up to the  
door and knocks before he can lose it.

He doesn't hear anything, so he turns the knob slowly and peeks inside. Alpha's sat in front of the open laptop and the study is dark, he's not even opened the blinds or turned on the light. 

'Alpha?' Dean asks quietly, stepping inside. Castiel turns around to him, startled, and Dean sees four faces on the laptop's screen look up at him, too, and freezes, the hand with the mug trembling. Fuck, it's that thing where they're all seeing each other through the  
camera, or something. A conference? This was an _epically_ bad idea, he's interrupted alpha's work, they're all gonna be pissed now and-

'Is this for me?' Castiel asks before he can truly freak out. Dean nods stiffly and holds out the mug like an offering to appease some angry gods. Alpha gets up and smiles at him soothingly. 'Thank you, you're so good to me.'

He takes the mug from him and puts it on the desk, and gives him a kiss on the cheek. Dean flushes, staring desperately at the ground. 

'I'm sorry to interrupt-' he says to everyone in general. 

'You didn't interrupt anything. Come meet my team,' Castiel says, and Dean's sure the other people can hear, but alpha stops just a second and studies his face. 'Okay?'

And he waits, he really waits until Dean nods, still tense, and leads him to the desk, gripping his hand tightly. 

'Everyone, this is Dean, my omega,' alpha embraces him with one arm possessively and rubs his side. This close, Dean can smell him, and yeah, he's not mad. 

'Hi Dean!' a redheaded girl says first. A burly guy nods, and a lanky man waves with a huge grin. There's also a woman, and she takes off her glasses and smiles. 

'That's Charlie. You've already spoken to her,' Castiel explains, gesturing to her. Dean nods, trying to make eye contact without passing out. 'That's Benny, and Garth, and Jody.'

'It's super nice to meet you, dude,' Garth announces cheerily. The guy who did the branch thing? Yeah, Dean thinks so. They must all be alphas if they work with Castiel. 

'Nice to meet you too,' Dean replies politely. Maybe mumbles. 

'We've been waiting for a server connection all day, and that's why we have to work some more now,' Castiel explains to Dean. 'You're welcome to stay and listen.'

'Better bring Dean over,' Jody suggests. 'We've been waiting to meet him.'

'Would you like to come over, Dean?' Charlie asks excitedly. Dean drops his eyes and wrings his hands. 

'S'not my call to make,' he says, a little louder. 'But of course it would be great to meet y'all.'

'You'd like to? Come to work with me?' Castiel asks, and he sounds surprised. Dean looks up at him. 

'Yeah, of course,' he replies. Isn't it painfully obvious how much he wants to be around alpha? 'If you'll let me?'

'Yes, I think that'd be great,' Castiel grins at him. 'I didn't think you'd want to, so soon, but I- I could show you my office and the entire floor, and the food court - it's not terribly exciting, I'm afraid, but-'

'No, I really wanna go,' Dean smiles a little. 'I always wondered how it looks like inside and I'd get to see you work!'

'We'll pick a day and arrange it, then.'

They gaze at each other, smiling, until Dean hears someone clear his throat.

'Alright, you two lovebirds, can we go back to work?' asks Benny. Dean immediately moves to leave, whispering a 'sorry' on the way. 

'You can stay,' Castiel tells him, and there's something - maybe hope? in his voice, where he's standing facing Dean, the white laptop light illuminating his entire frame in the pitch-black room. But Dean shakes his head. Too many alphas.

'Nah, it's okay, I got dishes to do,' he declines and says goodbye. When he leaves, he takes a few breaths. It's okay. A little courage, and he's a step ahead. 

He thinks about alpha's lean body all evening as he does the dishes. About his big strong hands, and how they felt in the car, holding him close. About his thighs, trapped underneath his own, that morning when Dean woke up on top of him. About his chest hair and the hair that grows way lower, leading right to what he hopes ends up filling him nicely tonight. When alpha finally emerges from the room, Dean has half a mind to just ask him to go mate upstairs, but obviously, he won't. Plus, alpha looks a little tired. They go to the bedroom together, and Castiel asks Dean to go wash up first. 

Dean hopes it's a sign. It's gotta be, especially with the small smile alpha sends his way. He spends some time in the shower stretching himself gingerly, so that if they tie, it won't hurt and worry alpha so much. It's not easy cause he's not done that in a long time, but eventually, he figures it out. When he goes out, he's already turned on and he feels so hot, what seems like a knot of excitement and anticipation heavy in his stomach. He thinks he should put on his clothes but decides to risk it again and steels himself before walking into the room naked. The scars still bother him, but he keeps his hands away, so that alpha can see how ready he is for him. He opens his mouth and looks up, ready to tackle whatever alpha's reaction will be - hoping for arousal at best - and is greeted with the sight of alpha fast asleep in his clothes, sprawled all over the bed. 

At first, he freezes, unsure what to do, but then alpha snores loudly and he jumps and puts a hand over his mouth to stifle a laugh. He can't even find it in himself to be annoyed at the turn of events. He puts on his sleeping clothes, ignoring his throbbing cock and stretched hole, and tries to undress alpha without waking him. He shouldn't have worried; Castiel's exhausted, and it's easy to flip him around and strip him. When he's done, Dean covers him with blankets and settles close, cuddles up to him a little. 

The night is slow, he can't sleep. When he finally does, Alastair holds a knife and looms over him. _Changed my mind,_ he says, and starts cutting into the flesh, the knife splitting the skin over Dean's knee, blood pooling in the wound, Dean begging _please no_ but somehow no voice comes out, how is he gonna cut off his leg with this small knife? Dean bucks on the bed, not knowing what's holding him down, the knife gets down to the bone and it _scrapes_ and it sounds like nails on a chalkboard but he can feel it in his bones and Dean screams and then-

he wakes up. He lies panting in the dark, turns his head fervently to get his bearings and sees Alastair standing in the corner. His eyes glowing white, lips stretched into a too big smile, all teeth, a blood-dripping knife in his hand and he _moves_ towards him but then Dean scrambles backwards and blinks and he's gone. 

_he's under the bed!_ a voice in Dean's head says, urgent and petrified and so so certain. _he's waiting for you with the knife and he's still smiling!_ Dean trembles, runs a hand through his sweaty hair, clinging to his forehead. Looks at alpha, still asleep. It's so stupid, what is he gonna tell him, god, but then he's already grabbing alpha's hand and shaking him. 

'Alpha please-' he whispers urgently, scared to look away from the corner, what if alpha doesn't wake up? What if he's dead? What if Alastair's killed him, or-

'Dean?' alpha mumbles and opens his eyes slowly, wincing. 'What is it?'

'Help,' Dean manages to say, and that seems to wake Castiel right up. He flicks the bedside lamp on and sits up, assessing Dean. 

'What happened? Are you hurt?'

Dean shakes his head and clenches his jaw, feeling pitiful and humiliated and most of all, terrified. His heart is still thudding in his chest and won't calm down. He notices he's rubbing his own knee, and he's not sure when he started. 

'Nightmare?' Castiel asks, then, softly, a knowing expression appearing on his face. 

'Bad one,' Dean reveals, finally looking away from the corner and staring at his lap. This is stupid, he's a grown man. What now? 

'Come here,' Castiel tugs on his arm and Dean follows, lays down in the middle of the bed like alpha wants him to. He's shaking because he can't see the room, now, only the ceiling. 

'Shh,' alpha soothes him and straddles him, and then blankets him with his body, embraces him so tightly, it feels like there's no space left between them.

'You're heavy,' Dean whispers, and Castiel only tightens the hold. Fuck, how is Dean supposed to breathe? But the scents he _is_ breathing in, oh... that's safety, and protection, and just... Castiel. He feels his shaking subside a little. 

'I'll keep you safe,' alpha promises and rubs his cheek across Dean's mating bite, kisses his neck. Dean shivers for an entirely different reason. But he's still unsettled, and his arms timidly come around Castiel, so that he can keep alpha with him, so he can't leave. It's bullshit, he knows; if alpha even hinted he wanted to get up, Dean would let go. But he can pretend.

'Still scared?' alpha asks, and it's not mocking, so Dean has the nerve to nod. 'You're okay, sweetheart, and I'm right here. We'll keep the lights on, hm?'

'Yes please,' Dean says. 'Can we...'

'Yes?'

'The TV? Can we put something on? Just anything... and super quiet, too, so it won't bother you-'

'That's a great idea,' Castiel praises him and Dean smiles hesitantly. Alpha lifts himself off, then, and Dean mourns the loss - even though he can finally breathe properly - but then when the TV is on, the sound low but there, some news channel playing live, a proof that some people are awake out there and the reality becomes more tangible, alpha comes back and cuddles him to his chest, still so close. 

They fall asleep like that, and Dean feels safe.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> enjoy the comfort while it lasts, cause next chapter, some real shit goes down! 
> 
> sorry for the long wait! still busy. i lowkey hate this chapter, there's a part of it that i've rewritten 2934 times and still not satisfied! the next chapter will be up soon bc it's done, it just needs some rewrites. let me know what you think! thank you for your continued support, so much! <3


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> timeline: day 10 (05/06).

In the morning, he comes to slowly, and something hard is poking his thigh. He shuffles to get away from the weird pressure. Did they fall asleep with the remote between them? Suddenly, the pressure is back and it starts rutting against him, fast, and arms pull him closer for better friction. What-

He opens his eyes and that's Castiel's dick, an impressive case of morning wood, rubbing against his thigh. Alpha stirs and opens his eyes just as Dean does, and freezes, apparently mortified, his hips coming to a full stop.

'God, Dean, I- I'm so sorry-' he jumps out of bed and takes his pants to hold them in front of his crotch. He's wearing loose boxers but with his cock so hard, there's no hiding it, and there's a damp spot in the middle. 'I didn't - this didn't happen to me in years, I'm so-' his cheeks are crimson and he can't meet Dean's eyes. 

'Hey, it's okay, alpha,' Dean tells him, and it is. Alpha's freak out really baffles him. He's an omega, he's literally there for sex. 'Seriously.'

Seriously, it is okay. It startled him at first, but damn. With how... prepared he was since yesterday, waking up to _that_ makes him ache in that strange, pleasant way. The thought of alpha going back to bed and flipping him to his front and just using him to get some relief makes his cheeks burn and he has to swallow cause his throat gets so dry. But Castiel must mistake his blush for embarrassment, and he still fumbles with his clothes as he makes a hasty retreat to the bathroom. 

'I - I'll be right back. I'm so sorry, Dean, I'll never do that again,' he almost runs in the corridor, and Dean stays in bed, rendered speechless. Fuck, he hopes Castiel _will_ do it again, and that it'll end differently next time. 

Alpha spends an awfully long time in the bathroom and Dean worries, so he quietly pads down there. He hears the shower still going. He knocks and calls for alpha and the shower stops.

'Are you okay?' he asks through the door, and there's an awkward pause before Castiel replies, tightly:

'Yes. I'll be right out, sorry.'

Can he stop apologizing? Dean waits by the door until Castiel emerges, dressed in pants already, which is ridiculous, especially since his hair's still wet and dripping from the shower. As if Dean's gonna faint like some 14th century maiden when he gets a peek of a cock.

'Dean, I swear I never meant to do that-' he starts right away, sincere and adamant. 'I-'

'Alpha, it's fine,' Dean tries to convince him. 'Why does it scare you so much? It's just a boner. You've literally fucked me before-'

'It's not the same! I've had your consent before,' Castiel interrupts him, dropping his eyes to the ground. No, that's wrong, that's Dean's move. 'I- I grabbed you and started-' he looks _sick_ , '-like, like an animal.'

'I swear you didn't emotionally scar me,' Dean puts his hand on Castiel's shoulder. 'Can you please look at me?'

He does. His gaze is heavy with guilt. 

'Look, I don't even smell scared. Believe me, I didn't mind, cause - cause I know if I told you to stop, you would've,' he hopes it comes out certain, cause his brain has some problems processing the last sentence, still. 'If it happened to me, would you have been mad?'

'No, never! But it's not the same. We're not the same.'

It hurts to hear that, cause Dean was hoping, sometimes, with how Castiel acts, that they could behave like equals. At home, in private, cause obviously the rest of the world will never see it that way. But still - Castiel has it all reversed. In the normal world, it's an alpha who can rut against an omega, and it's an omega who shouldn't do that. 

'I know,' Dean replies, hiding his hurt, 'I - I know we're not the same, obviously-'

'I don't mean it in a bad way, Dean. People - monsters - have hurt you before, and what I've done this morning, it's something they would've done. I don't want to ever hurt you, and if something like that happens, where I have no control-'

Wow. Dean thinks Castiel's taking this whole 'can never be like other alphas' thing too seriously. Sure, it's amazing to be treated with so much kindness, but the man seems almost... triggered whenever he thinks he's hurting Dean. It makes Dean feel safer, yeah, but it's almost neurotic at times, like alpha is gonna have a panic attack.

'Hey, you've never hurt me so far. That's a solid track record, right?' Dean offers a smile. Castiel doesn't return it. 'Really, alpha, I even, you know... kinda liked it,' he mumbles the last part. Castiel tilts his head in confusion and opens his mouth so Dean quickly adds: 'Let's go eat breakfast, huh? We should - I think we should really - breakfast-' He babbles like an idiot, and turns back to go downstairs. 

Alpha mercifully doesn't comment and just agrees. They eat, and Castiel proposes that they can visit his job together come Monday. Dean's enthusiastic, but then alpha leaves, and he's alone, again. 

Alone and horny. It sounds like a bad porno name, and Dean snickers to himself, and then cleans up, watches some TV. Tries to ignore it. Tries hard, but ugh, everything reminds him of Castiel, and maybe tonight they'll do it, sure, plus it's Friday so he's gonna be free all weekend, but... it's likely that he'll be too tired. Or maybe still embarrassed after what's happened. 

It takes him an hour of useless channel surfing and then another hour of a quick trip to the grocery shop to decide he won't be able to wait until evening. It's not like it wasn't an issue before, but his balls feel heavy, and he can't get alpha out of his mind. And everytime he thinks about him, he just wants to be close in a very non-platonic way, and God, he just really needs to get off. 

It's still safe; alpha's gonna need a couple more hours before coming home. So Dean goes upstairs to the bedroom. He strips off his pants and stares at the nest. Here's an idea he didn't think of before and boy, is it tempting. Alpha's not home, so who's gonna see?  
He takes off his T-shirt and grabs alphas', the one that he gave him to leave in the nest. Dean puts Castiel's shirt on, and oh, it was a good idea. Alpha's scent surrounds him like another blanket, and he has to exhale first, cause it overwhelms him with how good it is. It's almost like alpha's around. He wishes he was.

Dean goes to the bathroom, then, and leaves the door slightly open. He leans back against the wall, on the same side that the mirror; he hates seeing himself, especially when he tries to sneak some pleasure like that. First few times, he was terrified of Castiel discovering and getting mad, but he had said it was okay. Still, he doesn't want to take up space or use anything, so he spreads a towel on the floor in case it drips and squirts some shampoo on his hands, the one they share. He knows alpha's gotta have some lube, but yeah, he's not gonna _ask_.

He starts out slow, but it feels so good, dealing with that insistent gnawing need, and he spreads his legs even further. Alpha's scent is really doing things to him. He tries to imagine that the hand on his dick is alpha's, but he knows he'd touch him differently. Still, it's not bad. He thinks of alpha standing in the doorway and watching him hungrily, naked, so hard he's almost purple and leaking, his knot forming but alpha not doing anything about it. Just... watching him. Telling him how to touch himself. Making him stop just when he gets to the edge. Making him massage his hole, slip a finger or two inside, and then go back to his cock. Leading him right through it. His intense gaze, and him saying, 'Dean,' and then, 'Good boy, show me how much you like it,' and then, 'Yes, like that, that's right, good boy, Dean, I love you, Dean-' what the fuck, no, where has _that_ come from, 'Doing so good, Dean, are you gonna come for me? Dean-'

'Dean,' Dean's eyes fly open and he's standing right in the doorway. The real Castiel is standing there, in his work clothes, with a briefcase in his hand, the trench still on. He looks a little worried but now, also a little shocked, and they stare at each other in mortified silence before Dean makes a sort of a choking sound and lets go of his cock and scrambles for a towel to put it in front of himself.

'Fuck, I'm so-' he starts saying, feeling his face burning. His entire body burning, actually. He wraps the towel around his hips, shaking. 'I- Jesus, you weren't supposed to see that. You'll never - I won't - why aren't you at work?' the last part comes out accusing and weak, and he almost thumps his head on the wall with how stupid it is. It's not his place to ask, it's not his place to jerk off, he knows Castiel's said it's okay but _in private_. That's one omega rule that Dean knows, at least - alphas shouldn't see you get your own pleasure. Either you give them some and get some in the meantime, or you don't let them see it. It's just how it is, omegas are not made to get a lot of it, and especially not without anything stuffing their hole, his cock is useless, he's been told, so-

'I- this is unexpected,' Castiel says, wow, no shit. But alpha's awkwardness is nowhere to be seen, this time. 'They let me out early to work from home. I'm sorry I did not knock. I came looking for you and- is that my shirt?'

Dean glances down at himself, Jesus, can this get any worse?

'No,' he lies pointlessly. 'Look, I'm sorry, you weren't supposed to see that. I'll just go.'

He doesn't make it, cause Castiel leaves his briefcase and steps inside. Dean watches him warily and takes a step back, back against the wall. 

'You should've just told me you needed me, baby,' Castiel tells him softly, stopping way too close, up in Dean's personal space.

'You- you were tired,' Dean explains in a meek voice. 'And then in the morning, you weren't in the mood. And with your work, I don't wanna take up your time-'

'Uh-huh,' Castiel says, reaching for the towel. Dean lets him. Castiel tugs and the towel loosens and falls to the ground. 'I see you've already put one on the floor, not to make a mess, hm? My considerate omega.'

Is this really happening?

'Did you want to have my scent around when you tried to get some relief?' alpha says, tracing his fingers along the shirt, along Dean's abdomen. Dean shivers, his breath stutters. His cock is still hard and there's slick on his thighs, and he feels so shy, so exposed, so turned on.

'Y-yeah,' he whispers. 'Wanted- wanted to pretend you were here.'

He closes his eyes again, defeated, but hears alpha exhale heavily. 

'Oh Dean,' he says, low, and Dean peeks at him. He looks... affected, that would probably be a good word. 'We should finish what you started.'

Dean glances at his cock and then at alpha, and tries to turn around. Okay, being fucked in the bathroom might not be most comfortable, but maybe alpha will hoist him up and fuck him against the wall, holding him with his strong arms, mmm-

'No,' Castiel says, and stops him. 'Facing me. Just me touching you. Do you want that?'

'My hole?'

'No, just your pretty cock.'

'No- I, we can't,' but oh, does he want to, 'Omegas- you shouldn't see that. Me, I should, not with my cock-'

'But do you want to?'

Dean stares at the ground. Alpha's not making fun of him. He's serious, like freaking always. So what's he got to lose? He's not gonna hurt him, he's not, Dean's really pretty sure. Taking chances has been paying off lately, so-

'Very much,' Dean murmurs. 'Are you really- alphas don't, you know, you're still dressed and- it's just for me. Shouldn't be just for me.'

'Who says this will be just for you?' Castiel's hand travels lower and gently closes around his cock. Dean drives his hips forward on instinct, a needy whine escaping him. 'Coming back home and seeing you in my shirt, touching yourself? I am going to think about this _all the time_. Do you know how... erotic that was?'

Dean shudders. Castiel's hand starts moving but it's not going up, it's going down, and there's a finger pressing against his perineum and massaging there, which has Dean spread his legs and silently push his cock forward, begging for attention. But as Castiel goes back, he stops at his balls first, softly weighing them in his hands.

'You are really pent up. I'll have to take better care of you,' Castiel says, his thumb rubbing a small circle on the delicate skin and Dean's thighs tremble with how much he wants to close them. 'Do you like it when I touch you there?'

'Yeah, just- can you not- like, twist it or...' Dean looks away, hating how vulnerable he sounds. 'Or slap it, you know, I- it hurts-'

'Of course I won't,' Castiel assures him sharply. 'I won't hurt you. I want you to tell me how to touch you, all the way. I'll follow all your instructions.'

It sounds okay, cause it can really turn out to be awesome, but Dean also wants someone to tell _him_ what to do. He's not the one touching himself but-

'Can you tell me what to do too?' he asks Castiel in a tiny voice, looking anywhere but at him. ''S my, uh, my first time,' he chuckles self-consciously, and it comes out thin. Maybe alpha can make some sense of it. God, he hopes so.

And yes, he seems to understand, because he lets go of Dean and straightens his back. He looks out of place in the bathroom, still wearing shoes and his old school trench coat, but it's also kinda hot, and Dean just really wants to come. 

'You can pick one place to look at,' Castiel tells him, and it's an order. 'One place, Dean. Do you want to see what I do to your cock?' he asks slowly, putting his hand back around it, unmoving. 'Or maybe you want to look to the side? Or up? It's your choice, but you can't change it later.'

'Your- your eyes,' Dean replies lamely. 'I wanna - that's where I wanna look.'

He's not sure how he's gonna manage, but he knows it might be a one time thing, and it's not gonna be really good unless he gets to look at alpha, into his kind eyes. That way he knows he's safe, he won't forget. 

Castiel seems to love his reply, because he smiles widely and his eyes glimmer.

'That's perfect. Put your hands on my arms.'

Dean does it, stiffly, but Castiel pulls him closer with his free hand and he gets the memo and wraps his forearms around his neck. There's still enough distance between them that he could see what Castiel's doing, but he's not gonna. He's gonna stare right into his eyes. 

'Now tell me what you want.'

Dean tells him to move, but he does it so slowly. 'Faster,' he pleads, and the hand strokes him with more energy, now, but not too hard. Dean bites his lip because he doesn't want to be loud, but the struggle must show on his face, because Castiel just tells him to let go. So he tries, and soon, his quiet, still somewhat restrained moans and huffs fill the bathroom. He keeps looking at Castiel but alpha levels him with a stare so intense, it almost hurts to endure it. Castiel rubs his thumb over the head and Dean jerks, his eyes flutter closed.

'Open your eyes,' Castiel orders, but there's a soft smile on his face when Dean does. 'Tell me.'

'I-' he pants. 'That's, that's good, more, please,' and he gets more. Alpha speeds up, adds his second hand to fondle his balls, and it's a tickling sensation that makes him curl his toes and shiver. 'Yesss,' he groans, his eyes wanting to close _again_ , but alpha raises an eyebrow at him and he keeps them open, god, how is he so collected? The obscene sound of flesh on flesh and Dean's breathy moans, the scents of them together, how is this not getting him- well, he can't see, maybe it is making him hard too, but then Castiel increases the pressure at the base of his cock just a little only to release it gently, his hand gliding up and oh, that's- that's-

'You're so beautiful like this,' alpha tells him, his voice rough, his eyes big. 'Do you want to come, Dean? Will you be my good bo-'

Dean comes with a short cry, and it's so sudden, he can't even comprehend what's happened before it's over. Castiel strokes him through it and doesn't let go even when Dean's cock starts to twitch from overstimulation. Dean blinks, and his vision clears slowly, and knows he's still staring at Castiel, his eyes wet from how intense that was, his body limp and exhausted. There's come all over him, and he's slicked so much, he's gonna need a shower. 

'Please, too much,' he says feebly and Castiel lets go of his dick, and Dean just collapses into his arms, resting his head in the crook of his neck. 'That was...'

'Unspeakably arousing,' Castiel embraces him. 'Did you like it?'

'Felt so much better with your hand,' Dean reveals, too spent to be embarrassed. 'Thanks. I didn't think you'd want-'

'Dean, I think it's safe to tell you now that I've wanted to suck your penis for days.'

Dean can't help himself and laughs at the serious tone, but also at the impossibility of it. 

'Alphas don't suck omegas off,' he says. 'Never seen it happen once.'

'You might see it happen plenty if you only let me know that's something you want.'

Dean pulls back to look at him. 

'Oh. You're serious?'Castiel nods, clearly meaning it, and Dean's brain pretty much short-circuits. 'I- ' it sounds insane, he tries to imagine alpha in front of him on his _knees_ , and then taking him into his mouth, all wet and hot and- 

full of teeth

'-can I, uh, think about that?'

'Of course,' Castiel says solemnly. 'If you do not like the idea, it never has to happen. I do however enjoy touching you,' he pets Dean's naked thigh and Dean sighs, content. 'But I wondered... I have a question about omega's anatomy.'

Dean frowns.

'Uh, sure, shoot.'

'Is it standard for omegas to have no pubic nor facial hair?'

He looks so curious, but still a little hesitant, and Dean finds that adorable. 

'We do have'em,' Dean explains, running a hand down his hairless leg. 'Just takes so long to grow out. Couple months at best. Alastair had me shave it everytime, he didn't like it. Most alphas don't.'

'It should be your decision,' Castiel says, upset. 'When it starts growing back, let's try to keep it and see if you like it.'

That's not happened ever since he was twenty. His heart swells with how much he loves his new alpha. 

'Okay. Cool,' is what he replies, though - no chick flick moments - and alpha helps him into the shower and goes to take off his coat. Dean gets just a glimpse, but if he's still wondering if he's affecting alpha - well, the evidence is right there. And alpha just... ignores it. He doesn't want Dean to do anything in return.

Dean sighs and tips his head, letting hot water wash all over him.

 

 

They eat dinner and Dean wonders if he should ask about alpha's work, because he seems a little troubled and for once, he's not opening his laptop. He just pushes his food around the plate, frowning some, lost in thought. But before he can decide if it's a good idea or not, alpha offers that they might go out during the weekend.

'Yeah!' Dean agrees enthusiastically. 'Maybe the park? Or even the shop, just anywhere...'

'I had something in mind,' Castiel smiles. 'We can have the whole weekend to ourselves. I think I should take some time off, I'll work better that way.'

'Awesome,' Dean grins. 'So what did you have in mind?'

Castiel's phone rings before he can answer, and he picks up.

'Who is this?' he asks, and then, hell, Dean's never seen him that terrified. 

He goes motionless, freezes like a deer in the headlights. His hand trembles and he's white as a sheet - for a second, Dean worries he's gonna pass out, and he gets up, comes close, but then Castiel says:

'Mother?' his lips moving but he's staring ahead like he's in some sort of a trance. 'No, no, you cannot come here. How did you find me? No. No, you are not welcome here- what? When?'

For a shocking second, Dean thinks Castiel's going to cry, and he covers his face with his hand, shields himself from Dean, and he's _trembling_. There's a scent of fear, and sorrow - both so powerful, the omega's never scented anything even close to it on his alpha before. Dean puts a hand on his arm, tentatively, hoping to offer some support, but Castiel shrugs it off, and it hurts Dean just a little. 

'I- I,' Castiel stutters into the phone. 'No. Hello? Don't- hello!'

He puts the phone down, his hands shaking so much, Dean's really scared.

'It was - my mother,' Castiel tells him, his voice bland and emotionless and Dean's staring at him, he acts like a stranger. Something horrible must have happened. 'She's coming here with my brother.'

'Oh,' Dean says and immediately feels dumb, but he's at a loss. 'Did something happen?'

'I don't know how they found me,' Castiel keeps speaking, as if he hasn't heard Dean at all. 'I'm not - I'm not prepared, I- I need to make arrangements.'

He gets up suddenly, startling Dean, takes his phone and goes to the study. Something's obviously wrong, but Dean has no idea what, all he knows is that Castiel's family - the family he apparently hates for some reason, and doesn't talk to - is coming over and it's too much for him. 

He's gotta help. They'll handle it somehow, together. Can't be that bad. He even looks forward to it, just a tiny bit, meeting his alpha's family. He's gonna make it better, that's what omegas are for, and he has years of experience in arranging parties on short notice.

He gets to cooking. Nothing too fancy, just some cold appetizers. The house is clean already and he can hear alpha speak into the phone distantly, so he's making his own preparations. Okay. Dean gets that now may not be the best time to talk. But they'll get through it, he'll hold Castiel's hand all the way through it if he'll have to. 

He just starts on dinner when Castiel comes back from the study, panicked and pale.

'Dean,' he looks around and sees the full plates, and stops. 'What are you doing?'

'Cooking,' Dean states the obvious. 'They'll come soon, right? I've made something so you can give it to them when they arrive, I know there's not much time but we can figure it out-'

'No, you don't understand,' Castiel interrupts him fervently. 'You have to leave. I've arranged for an alpha friend to take you in for now.'

Dean drops the spoon he's holding.

'What?' he asks, stiff with fear, but mostly disbelieving. Why would Castiel - his good alpha - kick him out? He thinks it's a joke, at first, though it's so obviously not, but he just can't process that it could be true. 'Why? If you wanna be alone, I'll just stay in the room-'

'I need you to hurry. Put your shoes on, now,' Castiel tells him, and doesn't even wait for him to do it, but turns around and vanishes in the study.

No no no this can't be real, what the hell's going on? What has he done to be thrown out? They had a nice day, Dean's thought, and also, alpha's said countless times he wants to let him stay, they had the sex and the date and the... _everything_ and no, that's not right, he's not gonna do that, maybe if Dean just asks, he's said Dean can ask, can just say he doesn't get it, and he'll stop and explain, and-

'Alpha? I don't get it,' he says helplessly, but he doesn't think alpha will hear. 'Alpha?' 

The door to the study closes quickly, cutting him off, and it feels like a physical blow. Dean staggers back.

The order was clear, and alpha's left. Dean's face crumbles but he won't cry. He'll take this with whatever dignity he has left and maybe then, Castiel will think he's good enough to be allowed back. He ties the sneakers and looks at the living room - their living room, he thought, the nest upstairs, his things in the drawer, the coffee machine he likes, his playlist on the phone, his alpha - all of it no longer his, and he's not sure why. Alpha was happy with him. The only thing that changed it was the call, so - he's gotta be ashamed of Dean. That's what it's gotta be. He doesn't want his family to know about his existence, maybe doesn't want Dean to embarrass him. He did tell him, back at the restaurant, that he'd never fit into the rich lifestyle, that he'd say the wrong things. Or maybe he did something wrong ( _but what_ ) and now he's being punished. None of this makes sense. He never would've thought alpha could- just give him to someone else, just like that, after everything, and now - some other alpha he'll have to listen to, and who can hurt him and-

he can't. He can't do it. His hands shake so much, the jacket falls from them when he takes it off the hanger, and he knows something is wrong, his alpha just _doesn't_ act like that, he's obviously terrified, maybe if Dean just talks to him - he can't just _leave_ -

Castiel reappears when he manages to zip up his jacket. He still looks disoriented and jumpy, and his eyes are wild, darting all over the place.

'Good,' is all he comments on seeing Dean ready. Somehow to Dean, it seems like he's trying to comfort himself but then again, Dean can't form one coherent thought right now, either. 'Benny will take you in. The alpha I work with. I've called a taxi for you, it'll take you right to his house.'

'Should I let him fuck me?' Dean asks, cause it's the first (scariest) thing that comes to mind, and that seems to snap Castiel out of whatever he was lost in. He looks at Dean with horror, and at least that's normal. Dean's hands are still shaking. He puts them in the pockets.

'No! Jesus, Dean, that's not what this is about, this is to help you.' with what?! be a better omega, probably, so it was his fault after all- 'I just need you away from here. Benny won't try anything, he's a good man.'

Right. So he's really being sent there, it's not a mistake or anything. _Just need you away from here._ Like he's someone to rent, someone who can be put back when he's no longer useful, and hold on, that's right, isn't it? That's exactly what he is.

'For how long?'

_forever?_

'I don't know, I can't say yet-'

'Why?' Dean asks, panic filling him. 'Why are you sending me away?'

Castiel shakes his head and hides his face in his hands, and for a horrifying second Dean thinks he's going to start sobbing. What's going on?! Dean feels like his lungs are too tight, his head too light. 

'Alpha, please let me stay,' Dean begs, and hates himself for it. What happened to handling this with dignity? But he just wants to be here, he wants to go to sleep with alpha by his side, in their nest and watching stupid movies, he wants to have him near and cook him breakfast and hug him and talk to him and help him out and- 'I'll do whatever you want me to, just please-'

'I'm so sorry, Dean,' Castiel chokes out, and it's so pained, it paralyzes Dean. It must be over. This makes more sense, of course he's sorry, it's probably not his call, he wouldn't have done that, he's still his nice alpha but for whatever reason he just has no choice. 'I wish things were different, this - this - this,' he repeats like a broken record, and it horrifies Dean. '-this is my fault. You have to hurry.'

'No, I need your help,' Dean pleads fervently. 'You said you'll keep me safe,' Castiel flinches at that, stricken, though Dean doesn't know why. 'Tell me what's going on, I need - I need you-'

He holds out one trembling hand towards Castiel. It's always worked in the past. Surely he'll at least hug him goodbye? 

Castiel doesn't take the hand. He steps back, jaw set, face hard, staring at the ground. 

'Go, Dean,' he says, and uses his alpha voice. Dean cringes and steps back, and blindly tries for the knob. He fumbles with it so Castiel opens the door for him. He doesn't look at him, puts distance between them. Dean clenches his fists as he turns around and steps outside. A yellow taxi is already waiting at the curb. Sadness and fear seem to fill him to the brim, seem to stifle him until he can't take a breath and his limbs feel detached when he makes his feet move to get to the car. How come his life has changed so fast in just a couple of seconds? 

He looks back when he reaches the gate. Castiel meets his gaze just once and then closes the door. The slam is loud enough to make Dean jump. 

He goes inside the taxi. At least the beta driver isn't nosy or leery. He just drives, no questions asked. Dean stares at the pretty one-story house - his house, he's come to call it - until it's gone, and wonders if it's the last time he's ever seen it.

Never trust alphas, dad had said, and he was always right.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yikes! i know. first sexy times, but then... this. very curious to hear what you think, took me a lot of rewrites but i am satisfied with how it turned out, and the general idea was always the same. hope i didn't make you all too sad. thank you, as always!!! see you next update! :))


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> timeline: same day as previous chapter (05/06)
> 
> **this chapter was beta'd by my new friend and a fellow SPN fic writer,[Fledhyris](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fledhyris). thank you again! **

Castiel was having the worst day ever.

In the morning, he woke up aroused for the first time in years, and it was not an enjoyable experience. He really thought he might've ruined some of their progress, but Dean's reaction surprised him. He didn't seem to be affected the way Castiel expected him to be, having an alpha throw himself at him. So Castiel hoped it would get better from then on. It wasn't so bad at first, just a regular morning at work, though everyone was tired and anxious to complete the new project. Garth, especially, was taking it badly, and Castiel witnessed Charlie giving him a pep talk in the rec room.

He wasn't sure why his teammates were this nervous, really; for him, it was important because he wanted to get support for his personal project, after years of waiting, but for everyone else, it was just a way to help two companies collaborate. But he supposed people were intimidated by the no-nonsense, very capable executive. He was hard-working and impressed Castiel, having immediately jumped into work, and offered good solutions and resources while evaluating their progress.

'This dude is insane,' Charlie tells him when they eat sandwiches in his office, brainstorming. 'He found Becky's porn stash on the work laptop, and instead of closing it like any normal person, he called her over and told her it was an old format and she should convert it for better performance. Who does that!?'

'I think she refers to it as erotica, not "porn",' Castiel reminds her, chewing his food. He doesn't see how that's an issue, alphas like to be open about sex-related things, didn't Charlie just tell him that the other day? Plus, everyone in the office knows about Becky's obsession with R-rated material. 'I like him.'

'He's not bad,' Charlie admits, dipping her carrot slices in ketchup. Castiel makes a face. Ever since Dorothy made her eat healthily, she’s been coming up with the weirdest solutions to make it more bearable. 'Sure knows his stuff. But he's just... I don't know, so serious.' She frowns. 'You know what, kinda like you. Yeah! Actually, now that I think of it, I know why you two get on so well. You're both Robocops when it comes to work.'

'Robocops,' repeats Castiel flatly.

'Cute ones,' Charlie shrugs. 'Seriously, never seen anyone get so excited about getting all the sprint schedules written out in MS Project. Do you guys jerk off to a calendar, or what? And I don't mean the pinup omega issue.'

Castiel rolls his eyes with a sigh, but Charlie has a point. The new executive is willing to do the work and he thinks logically, and Castiel appreciates it. He ends up leaving his team and going with him to a cafeteria nearby to talk privately about what approaches might be best. The man is slightly older than him, and his name's Henry. They drink coffee and talk amiably about the marvelous development of technology over the years, and then Castiel finds out their origin story is similar - the man's worked on the same equipment and actually enjoyed learning Assembler. He's the first person to say that in Castiel's life and Castiel thinks they might end up as true friends.

'I have a guy that handles our legal problems and I've invited him over, is that alright?' Henry asks when they're done with coffee one, and starting coffee two.

Castiel agrees, and soon, a very tall, handsome alpha joins their table. He wears an expensive suit and his longish brown hair is groomed and shiny. But there's something... weird about him. He seems... it feels strange, but he seems dangerous. When he introduces himself, he squeezes Castiel's hand a bit too tightly, and his smile looks forced, and when their eyes lock, it's not exactly friendly.

'Sam Winchester,' he says.

'Castiel Novak. Pleasure to meet you.'

They talk some more, Henry asking Sam about the city, if he likes it - they arrived together, just this week - and then the topic switches to their life partners. Henry tells them that his wife hates how much time he spends on the computer or at work.

'I think my omega feels the same way,' Castiel sighs.

'You have an omega?' Sam leans closer, clearly interested.

'Yes, Dean,' Castiel says, pride and warmth filling him. 'We've been married for more than a month, now.'

Henry whistles.

'That's fresh,' he says. 'Where did you meet?'

'We didn't,' Castiel decides to tell them the truth. 'Dean's been paired up with me through the system. It wasn't  easy at first, but I think we get on very well nowadays.'

'You mean you needed to discipline him first?' Sam asks.

'No!' Castiel protests, appalled. It's getting harder to feel any kind of positive emotions towards Sam. 'Discipline is just another word for abuse,' he tells him coldly. 'It was just an adjustment. We were, essentially, two strangers sharing a house.'

'I'm glad you're good now,' Henry says. 'What's this Dean like?'

'He's so sweet,' Castiel smiles widely. 'And strong, too. He likes movies, and music, and is amazing at cooking. He's funny, too, and smart, and hardworking and so caring. I could - I could talk to him for days. He knows so many things! I'm not very good with pop culture, but he explains everything to me. You should see him watching one of his western movies. He knows all the lines! I've never met anyone who could quote a whole movie like that. And -'

'He does that?' Sam asks, and Castiel glances back at him. His eyes are shining, and he smiles a little. Castiel frowns. 'Knows all the lines, huh?'

'Yes,' Castiel narrows his eyes. If Sam is going to make fun of Dean, he may as well leave now. 'It's an incredible ability.'

'Yeah, I'm sure,' Sam nods seriously, smile disappearing. 'Do you have a photo of him?'

'I do, in fact,' Castiel says. He's a little reluctant to show it to Sam, but he does want to show Henry, show him what a good omega he has. He pulls out his wallet and takes out the photo he has of Dean. It's not great, it's the one from his file taken at the omega center, but it's the only one he has of him, and he's started taking it with him at the beginning of the week. That way, he kind of feels like Dean's near.

'He looks cute,' Henry says politely, smiling slightly, more focused on his coffee than the photo. It's Sam who really stares. He seems fascinated, and Castiel feels unsettled. He takes the photo and puts it back in his wallet. Sam looks up as if caught doing something wrong - it does feel like he was - and his lips form a dark, predatory smile. Castiel hates it.

'He's hot,' Sam says appreciatively. 'Gets lonely in the evenings around here. You wouldn't mind dropping him off for a quick one one of these days, would you?'

Castiel stares at him, trying to comprehend.

'What - what are you saying?'

Sam rolls his eyes and lets out a shaky laugh.

'Geez, Castiel, I'm asking if I can fuck him.'

Henry looks a little uncomfortable, but he doesn't comment, choosing to stare into his cup instead. Castiel gapes at Sam, fighting to get the words out.

'No,' he finally manages, shocked and furious. 'No, you cannot "fuck him",' he spits the words out. 'Dean is _my_ omega.'

'Aw, shit, my bad,' Sam says. 'Maybe you want some money, is that it? I can pay,' he's already reaching inside his pocket. Castiel slams his hand on the table, making Sam and Henry jump and stare at him.

'You'll never put your hands on my omega, do you understand?!' It comes out so angry, so seething, he can barely control himself. He wants to wrap his hands around Sam's throat and _squeeze,_ just looking at the disgusting man makes his blood boil.

'Sure, man, chill,' Sam laughs thinly, putting his hands up in the air. 'Touchy much?'

'No one talks about Dean like that,' Castiel informs him. 'Get out, or I'll make you.'

He knows he has to stay somewhat civil; they're still working together, but he's not going to tolerate Sam saying things like that. And apparently, the man doesn't even see a problem with treating omegas this way. Castiel wonders if he seeks out any omegas for sex, or just the ones he finds 'hot'. He feels so repulsed, he's sure it's showing on his face.

Sam, however, does get up, but his lips twitch as if he wants to smile, something that baffles Castiel enough that for a moment he almost forgets his anger. 'Sorry, man. Hope we'll see each other around,' he says, sounding much lighter all of a sudden, and moves to leave.

'I hope we won't,' Castiel replies tightly and watches him go. Henry clears his throat.

'My apologies if my guest has upset you,' he says. 'Some alphas are just more alpha than others, I suppose.'

It's meant to be a joke to lighten the mood and forget the topic, Castiel knows, but it's in bad taste. He can tell that Henry doesn't feel good about it, either, he's tense and avoids his gaze.

'There is nothing alpha about wanting to rape other people,' Castiel replies. Henry looks up at him, seeming surprised.

'Yes, you're right,' Henry agrees after a slight pause. 'You're absolutely right. I don't often meet people who are open-minded enough to think so, though. Have other alphas approached your omega, or..?'

'Just one,' Castiel tells him, remembering Dean’s encounter at the shop. **'** My omega knocked his teeth out. No one's tried since then.'

Henry huffs out a nervous, incredulous laugh, but then stops as he realizes Castiel's serious.

'Oh,' he says. 'That's - that's good for both of you, I guess. That he's strong.'

They don't speak of it again, focusing strictly on work, and they finish early, too, the executive sensing that Castiel's still on edge.

That's when Castiel comes back home and almost freaks out, not being able to find Dean. But Dean turns out to be alright, and after their time together, he turns out to be even more than that. Castiel revels in the feeling of holding him in his arms, slumped and boneless from pleasure, not pain or exhaustion. Happy, sated Dean smells so good. Castiel ignores his own hard-on as he helps his omega into the shower and leaves him there to go take off his shoes and coat. Dean's green, lust-blown eyes, the quiet sounds he makes, so hesitantly even though Castiel's let him - the timid, embarrassed way he chases his orgasm, all of it is something the alpha's never seen before, and it makes him want to help Dean let go fully, help him experience it without the guilt and the fear and whatever else is on his mind. The jarring difference between the Dean who presents himself without shame, with his bottom in the air, as long as he knows he's gonna be used and his face hidden from sight, and the Dean who stutters and shakes and looks away when he has to uncover himself and ask for things so that he's not hurt, so that he gets some pleasure - all of it makes sense when Castiel thinks about it, but it's still heartbreaking to experience. He thinks about Dean, his Dean, being bent over by the weird lawyer from the cafe, forced to do it because his alpha has told him to, and it makes bile rise in his throat.

When Dean shows up again, he's dressed in his own clothes, Castiel's shirt nowhere to be seen. He's probably thrown it in the wash, and Castiel reminds himself to give him another one for the nest. He finishes the quick dinner he's made with the things Dean got from the shop, and they sit down to eat, the omega sending him a shy smile. The food's not very good, but Dean devours his portion, glancing at him from time to time. Castiel can't stop thinking about Henry and Sam. There was something so disturbing about the whole situation, and it wasn't just the horrible request itself. Sam looked... fond, fascinated upon seeing Dean's photo, not aroused. The question he asked next seemed to come out of nowhere, as did his change of expression and now that Castiel really wonders about it, there was no arousal in his scent, either. He did seem... menacing and... burdened. Like he's seen a lot of things and they've made him a little unbalanced. Maybe that's what it was, but at the same time, he was handling the legal problems of the company, surely they wouldn't hire an unhinged person. And then... he didn't seem angry when Castiel told him to get out, he seemed almost pleasantly surprised.

And Henry, who was a decent man so far, and clearly uncomfortable with Sam's behavior - he seemed to have the same outlook on the omega issue as Castiel, but didn't support him outright. Maybe he and Sam were friends, and as embarrassed as he was, he was tolerating the other man's way of acting. After all, it was Castiel who was in the minority of alphas with how he treated omegas. Maybe it wasn't as odd as it had seemed.

He looks up and sees Dean staring at him. The omega drops his eyes to his empty plate, caught. Castiel remembers how he brought him coffee the day before and how he said he wanted to pretend alpha was around when he masturbated. Dean does seem a little lonely, and maybe it bothers him more than it would Castiel if he were in his place. Maybe it's a good idea to spend the weekend together. He offers it tentatively and smiles when he sees Dean brighten up and excitedly agree.

He thinks they could go to the cinema, relax a little together - and wants to propose it, but before he can, his phone rings and it's a number he doesn't know. He picks it up.

'Who is this?' he asks, and hears someone he never thought he'd hear again.

'Castiel.'

'Mother?" he feels blood rush to his head, his lips turn numb. She can't call him, she doesn't know where he is, he's made sure of that.

'We need to talk,' that's it, not a word about the past twenty-something years since they've last seen each other. 'Your brother and I, we're on our way to you.'

'No, no, you cannot come here,' he's vaguely aware of Dean approaching him, and Jesus, Dean, he has to make Dean disappear, how - 'How did you find me?'

'There's an issue we have to take care of, together,' mother tells him, completely disregarding his question.

'No,' Castiel refuses, they don't have to talk about anything, they can't come here, to his house - 'No, you are not welcome here.' They can't come, they can't. He got out, this is _his_ life, it's taken him years to build it, they - he has to find a way to keep them out. Maybe if they meet somewhere else, he can cut it short, get rid of them quickly, but -

'Your father died, Castiel.'

The words are final, grave, and his mother utters them in a flat voice, devoid of any emotion -

\- he thinks, _this sounds so much like the mother i know -_

died. His father is dead.

He sees father from back when they still cared about each other, when he would visit him in his room; he sees him smiling, approving of Castiel's passion for computer science, buried in books and pages filled with hand-written code. He'd said, back then, that Castiel could be their computer-keeper when he grew up; he didn't know how else to call the profession, Castiel knows, but he supported his interest and that was enough, to get a tiny bit of attention from the ever-distant, successful father with way too many children. It was one of the very few moments they got just to themselves. But then, he also remembers his blank expression when Castiel was leaving. He didn't say a word, never even tried to apologize for what he'd done, never tried to stop him, either. Castiel was hoping, then, that one day he'd see things for what they are, that they'd meet to discuss what happened and find some sort of common ground. Deep down, he carried that hope within him all these years.

And now, they won't see each other ever again.

'What?' he asks, fighting to get the words out. 'When?'

'More than three years ago, now,' mother replies, voice clipped, no further comment. Three - three years. He's been dead for three years. He missed the funeral, his father was in the ground for three years, and no one's contacted him before. He covers his face with shaking hands. Well, he's dead now, nothing's going to change that, right? That's hysterical, and he kind of wants to laugh, kind of wants to cry. But how - and why - are they contacting him just now? His mind racing, he tries to come up with any reasons, they have to have some reasons, some agenda - they never did anything out of love or compassion, before. They didn't seek him out just to tell him father's dead. They have to have some interest in it, in him - maybe they need him for something, maybe they need him to come back, maybe they'll force him to - no, they can't, he's grown-up now, they can't do that -

A hand lands on his shoulder, gentle and hesitant, and he knows it's Dean, and God - things are over with Dean, too. The certainty of it hits him like a freight train. He has to keep him safe for now, away from _them_ , but when they leave, either with or without him, he's gonna have to tell him the truth, and it'll be over, it'll be _over_.

He kept lying to himself that maybe later, maybe when Dean trusted him more, if they became really close, his past wouldn't matter that much. He would've already proven himself to the omega and the story wouldn't terrify him. But now - now's not the time to think about that, now Dean has to be safe. He has to send him away, and that won't be easy either, but he won't let another omega, his omega, get hurt because of his family. He shrugs Dean's hand off, putting some distance between them, _please don't touch me, please don't make me think of what i've lost -_

His father is dead, but his legacy still follows Castiel around, still ruins everything he's achieved, like a disease, like rot, but Castiel won't let Dean be another victim.

'I - I,' he stutters into the phone. He has to find out how much time he has, at least, has to come up with a plan.

'We'll talk when we arrive, I hope you'll be prepared,' mother says.

'No,' Castiel thinks, he thinks and thinks but his thoughts are all jumbled, he doesn't know what to say. Time, the time, right, he has to find out how much time he still has, but before he can ask, the line goes dead, the static so loud in his ears. 'Hello? Don't - hello!'

But mother already hung up. He puts down the phone. His hands are shaking and he can't think, he doesn't have _time_ , and Dean's waiting by his side, waiting for some sort of explanation. They were supposed to go out, they were - and they never will. He closes his eyes for just a second, thinking about all the days he's already fantasized about with Dean, their warm, happy future, his smiling mate next to him, happy and protected - and now it's all gone, just like that, but one thing will remain. Dean _will_ be protected. Until he's sure his family won't be around, Dean will stay away.

'It was - my mother,' Castiel tells him, his voice bland and emotionless and he feels detached as he hears it come out of his mouth. 'She's coming here with my brother.'

'Oh,' Dean says. His words seem to come from afar. 'Did something happen?'

Yes, something happened, alright. Everything they've both worked so hard on is over.

Father is dead.

'I don't know how they found me,' Castiel tells him. He really doesn't know, it shouldn't be possible. He changed his name years ago, moved away, kept track of his name coming up in the Internet search over the years, insisted that his work achievements be kept private and not published anywhere. But worst of all, he doesn't know _why_ they found him. 'I'm not - I'm not prepared, I - I need to make arrangements.'

He gets up and Dean flinches. He tries to ignore him, takes his phone and goes to the study. He takes a couple of breaths - like he used to instruct Dean to do, because he read psychology books when it got bad for him, a long time ago, and he knows it works - but he can't calm down. There are only two things on his mind - that his father's dead and his family is coming - by the way, which brother? Is it Michael, is it Luke? He doesn't know which option is worse, but they both stayed in the household so - it has to be one of them.

He dials Charlie, she'll tell him what to do, she knows his past, she can help Dean out until this is over -

'Yooo, if you haven't reached me, I'm busy saving the world, so leave a message and -'

Of course she can't pick up now, of course. Castiel distantly remembers she had some plans with Dorothy for Friday evening, but it's not even that late -

'Charlie, please - call me, call me back as soon as you -' did many people come to the funeral? Was the ceremony held in the cathedral on their property, where he and father once came when Anna wanted to draw the stained glass, cause she said it was so pretty, and father said that he hoped to see Castiel marry his omega there, one day- did they bring the white lilies that the maid would put in every vase in the house? Their smell was suffocating and too earthy, and Castiel thinks that's what it must've smelled like when the whole family stood over the hole in the ground, watching the coffin descend- 'my dad died. He's been dead for a while. They're, mother - they're coming _here_ , I need - Dean -'  a dry sob comes out of his throat and it hurts how heavy his chest feels. 'I need help here, please -'

There's a beep when the message is cut off and Castiel wipes a hand over his eyes when his sight turns blurry. The hand comes back a little wet. He doesn't know why he's crying. He hates father.

The whole message doesn't make sense. He has to send Dean away now, not wait for Charlie to pick this up later and then come over. By then, he'll already be with his family. He's rarely so careless, so illogical - he hates it, he knows that if he doesn't have total control, everything might crumble, and now -

Benny is his next choice, he trusts Benny not to hurt Dean. Garth - Garth is good, but he's not stable enough, Castiel thinks; Dean needs someone more serious, more matter-of-fact, and Benny used to have an omega, so maybe -

'Castiel?' Benny drawls, surprised, when he picks up. 'There a problem with the -'

'Something - something happened, Benny,' Castiel tells him, and can't seem to find any words.

'Chief, you good?' he can sense Benny turn concerned. 'Is it your omega?'

'Yes,' Castiel says, and then, 'No. In a way. My family - I've received news. Bad - bad news, my father, someone's coming here. My family is - can't be around omegas. They're very traditional. I need you to - if you could just take Dean in for a while. Not very long, I don't know how long they'll stay, but I don't think more than the evening, maybe the night. I'll pay for any expenses -'

'Whoa, hold on,' Benny interrupts him. 'Of course, I can take Dean in, just tell me what's happening. Is he in danger?'

'Yes. I need him to be safe, Benny.'

'He will be. I can send a taxi, I know a good service, they won't mess with him. What else can I help with?'

Nothing. He has to do this alone.

'Just keep Dean safe. That's the only thing that matters.'

'I promise you I will,' Benny says solemnly, and Castiel feels a little bit better. He really trusts that he will. 'Send me your address, the taxi will be there.'

'Thank you. Benny - he's very... be gentle with him. Don't force him to do anything, and do not order him around -' Castiel's voice turns stern, it's just him being angry at the thought of some alpha staying alone with his omega, but that's not fair, Benny is doing him a huge favor, here.

'I won't, brother,' Benny assures him quietly, like he knows the feeling. 'You don't have to worry. I'll keep Dean away from trouble, you just sort your things out. And if you need more help, call me.'

'Thank you,' Castiel says, and ends the call. He texts Benny the address and comes out to talk to Dean, steeling himself for the hard conversation they're about to have.

'Dean,' he looks around, smells the food, sees the salad and the tiny sandwiches and stops. 'What are you doing?'

Dean tells him that he's cooking, trying to help him prepare for the guests. His omega tries to be so good for him. Castiel hates telling him that he has to go, but this is necessary, and they have to hurry, they don't have _time,_ so he tells Dean to dress up. He's strong, he assures himself, he'll survive one evening away. There's one more thing he thinks of, and he leaves to go to the study again.

'Gabriel,' he says, coldly, when his brother picks up. Maybe there's no reason to be mad at him, but he doesn't know that yet.

'Cassie, what a surprise,' Gabriel greets him, sounding delighted. 'To what do I owe such -'

'Mother is coming to visit me with one of our brothers,' Castiel tells him. 'Do you know which one?'

'Why would she do that?' Gabriel's voice becomes, at once, serious and toneless. Castiel knows he's scared too, though usually he does a good job of covering it up. After all, Castiel thinks, he took the brunt of their family's lifestyle.

'They told me father is dead.' Castiel waits for a reaction, but there's none. 'Has been for the past three years.'

The line is silent for a long while. Castiel waits and, once more, tries to get a grip. It doesn't work.

'They didn't call _me_ , but what else to expect from a family of bastards, eh?' Gabriel finally says, his voice sounding choked. He didn't know, Castiel's sure now. Gabriel's a good actor, but he never could hide things from him.

'Do you have any idea why they are coming here? I need to know. Anything you can think of, I have to prepare.'

'Maybe it's out of the goodness of their hearts,' Gabriel quips sarcastically, with an amount of hate Castiel didn't expect.

'I doubt that -'

'I don't know. It has to be business. Maybe they need you to come back, with all the money-making abilities you have now. Maybe they want you to promote the center, or take dad's place.'

'But it's been three years, it makes no sense -' 

'Maybe they really only found you now. Maybe that's true. But if not, and they waited to come, they have to have a reason. Did you think about the will?'

Will?

'What will?'

'Father's will, dumbass,' Castiel can _hear_ the eye-roll. 'Maybe they need your signature.'

'You think father would have left something? _For me_?'

'Call me when it's over,' Gabriel tells him. 'Don't let them walk over you. You're better than this, now.'

He hangs up.

Castiel takes a deep breath, but he feels like he's falling apart inside. He doesn't know what to do, and he can't focus, not even when he really tries.

Getting Dean safe, first. That he can do. He'll figure out the rest later.

He comes out to see Dean dressed. He looks around the room; he'll have to make a draught to air out Dean's scent, hide his blankets, lock the upstairs door... There can be no evidence that he has an omega. And cover up his mating bite...

He tells Dean that Benny will take him in, thinking about all of that, until Dean asks him, shaking in front of him, if he should let Benny fuck him.

Castiel jolts, taken aback, focusing on his omega. He's scared, he's so scared, God, _of course he is, idiot,_ and Castiel wishes he knew how to explain, but they don't have enough time to talk about this. This is - he forgot, he didn't think - Dean has to have about a million questions just now, but he can't - what if his family comes right now -

He hears something stop in front of the house, and blood rushes to his head so quickly he feels dizzy with it, but as he glances over Dean's shoulder, panicked, through the small window panel by the door, he sees it's yellow. Dean's taxi.

He assures Dean that nothing inappropriate will be happening. He remembers his omega in the shopping center, glued to his side, overwhelmed by the number of people, and also how scared he is every time he thinks he’s broken a rule, and how he tried to offer oral sex before they started to get to know each other... and how he has nightmares, God, there's gonna be no one to hold him tonight and -

'For how long?' Dean asks, and Castiel thinks of something that could reassure him, but he keeps coming up short. There's no time for a long talk, it would only be more confusing than anything.

He tries to be practical - how long, Dean's asked, and he wishes he knew - a couple of hours probably, but it might turn out that Dean has to stay at Benny's the entire night, and he doesn't want to scare him with that yet. He tells him he can't say, but it's wrong again, Dean's panicking, he's asking _why,_ and Castiel wants to tell him, but how? _I have hurt an omega before,_ he'd say then, _I have lied to him and I have broken him, and he might be dead because of me._ The _i didn't mean to_ he'd like to add wouldn't matter. But Dean - Dean is special and he deserves better, he deserves the whole truth even if they're not going to be together anymore. He'll hate him for his past, no matter how hard he tried to erase it, he'll hate him for sending him away, too, Castiel realizes. It's meant to keep him safe, but Dean doesn't get it, Dean's pleading to stay, but he _can't._ Castiel feels like he's going to cry. He apologizes for whatever he can, but he can't focus, they've already been talking for too long, and he wants nothing more than to embrace Dean and assure him that yes, this is his home, and everything's going to be fine, but it _won't_ , and it's all his fault.

And it's like Dean knows that he's breaking, because he tells him he needs him - so painfully honest, and he holds out his hand, and it takes everything Castiel has not to grab it and pull him close. For Dean to be this desperate, this house and Castiel really have to mean something, he's never asked for anything before, not like that -

_You said you'll keep me safe_

\- Dean says, and suddenly Castiel's sixteen again, sitting in the back of the van. The nameless omega's bruised, bloody face - Castiel tried to clean it up as well as he could, but it wasn't enough - is blank with terror, his eyes wide in shock, and he says the _same_ thing, he says _you promised i was safe_ and Castiel wants to say something but he doesn't know what, his mouth open, throat working, and finally _i didn't know_ comes out, but it doesn't change anything -

and this time, he also sees Dean, he sees his Dean beaten to hell and betrayed, and he won't let it happen.

He can't drag it out. Maybe it's easier if Dean leaves hating him, he tries to convince himself, stepping back, looking at the ground not to see how he's failing Dean. Maybe when Dean learns the truth and leaves, it'll be easier for him to hold onto this moment - his alpha rejecting him - when he's somewhere else, with some proper alpha Castiel will find him in place of himself, it'll be easier for them to separate and for Dean, eventually, to be happy.

He just wishes he was next to him to see it happen. He never should've dragged Dean down with him.

When Dean steps outside, confused, sad and terrified, Castiel feels like his body's vibrating with the need to call it all off and just hug him, despite what he's already decided to do, despite what he knows is logically better for him. He glances at him, just once, and Dean's looking at him, silently begging him to let him come back, and Castiel's chest aches so badly, he almost - _almost_ does, but then remembers the bruises on Beth's body _she did not please her alpha properly_ and slams the door before he can lose it.

He cries as he hears the taxi drive away, cries as he carries Dean's blanket to the bedroom, looks for the key and locks it, along with their shared bathroom; he opens all the windows and the door and sprays everything with some air freshener that Dean keeps under the sink; he puts on his suit again, so that there's no risk of the bite showing, and that's when he finds Dean's collar hanging by the door. He let him go without the collar. He dials Benny, shaking with rage at himself and from fear for Dean, but Benny picks up quickly.

'Yeah, boss, he's here in one piece, just went to the bathroom, want me to go get him?'

'No, it's alright. He left his collar here. Please make sure he doesn't leave the house.'

'Will do,' Benny hesitates. 'Dean's safe now, chief, but are _you_ safe? Can they hurt you?'

They already have, Castiel thinks, his lips curling into a humorless smile.

'No,' he replies, instead.

'How can I know they're not dangerous to you too? If you need any backup, tell me, I have half a mind to call the police, Castiel -'

'No, don't,' Castiel quickly protests. 'That's not - they're not after me. Not in that way. It might be that they’re coming to talk about the past, but -'

'That ain't soundin' very promising.'

'My parents founded one of the first omega training centers.' There, he's said it. He's met only with silence. 'That's why they're dangerous to omegas.' The doorbell rings. 'I - I have to go.' Castiel hangs up and takes a deep breath, puts the phone in his pocket.

He opens the door.

It looks like mother didn't age much. She still has her brown hair neatly arranged, her blue, piercing eyes that he probably inherited are still calculating and analyzing, even as she sees him for the first time in twenty years. Her suit - something she's always insisted on wearing - looks impeccable and expensive. Next to her stands Michael - and he looks older, but he's still dashing, he's still the kind of man everyone swoons over. But Castiel knows him, and in his arrogant smirk, in the darkness behind his fake-friendly gaze, he sees cold steel. He's taken after mother, stylish and elegant on the exterior, frigid and ruthless on the inside.

'Castiel,' he greets him first, and steps inside, ignoring the way Castiel's blocking the door. He could put up a fight - but he'd not get rid of them, not for long. It's better to find out what they want.

Mother steps in after Michael and they go straight to his living room, looking around. Castiel stares outside for a just a second longer, his fingers curled around the doorknob, wishing with everything he has that he could just run away, like he did back in the day.

He closes the door and follows his family into the living room.

'Why are you here?' he asks, working hard on not showing any emotions.

'Where's your omega?' mother stops next to the couch. Michael runs his hand over the kitchen table, venturing further. They don't belong here. He wants them gone.

'I don't have an omega,' Castiel lies. Michael snorts.

'Sure. You keep him chained in your bedroom?' he levels Castiel with a gaze, the infuriating smirk making an appearance again. 'Scared I'll have a go at him?'

'We know you have an omega,' mother tells him, ignoring Michael's taunts, like she always did; sits down on the couch and pulls out a photo from the inside of her suit jacket. She puts it down on the coffee table and Castiel freezes. It's their wedding photo; he forgot it was ever taken. They both look nervous and uncomfortable, Dean hunching his shoulders, face blank and pale, the white omega rental suit so ill-fitting that he's swimming in it. Castiel with a tight smile, awkward, their hands together, new bands on their fingers. It's possibly one of the worst wedding photos he's seen.

'This is the reason we're here,' mother says, voice all business-like. 'It was online, and unfortunately, one of our people stumbled upon it.'

'You can't touch Dean,' Castiel all but snarls. How on Earth did he forget about the wedding photo? He never knew they put it online, barely remembered having it taken at all, too focused on everything else. He was so stupid. 'You won't ever see him.'

'Now Castiel, why would we ever want such a used-up bitch?' Michael shakes his head, still smiling. He knows it'll rile him up, and it does.

'Don't talk about him like that,' Castiel's voice shakes with rage and it becomes low and dangerous all of a sudden. Michael's smirk doesn't waver. It kills Castiel to know that he'd never be able to win, to take him on, just like when they were kids. Nothing's changed, and to know that, to see that, it's devastating.

'We didn't come here to argue,' mother says, sharp instead of placating, casting a warning glance at Mike. 'We were glad you were gone.'

Why it hurts to hear that, Castiel doesn't know.

'Your father left a will before he died,' she continues. 'He left you a considerable amount of money, along with a letter. Since you've resigned from being a part of this family, we saw no reason to give it to you, and attempted to declare you dead in absentia. You were technically missing for more than twenty years. However, they insisted on four years of an active search for a person until we could legally claim their inheritance. And it worked for a while, Castiel, you really did hide well. It worked for all of us. Until the wedding photo - you got careless, son, and one of the mandatory researchers found it, and now we all have this trouble to sort out.'

Castiel reels from the new information. He's not sure what's worse; the knowledge that his family hates him as much as he does them - not that he didn't expect it, but to really know it is something else; or maybe knowing that his father left him something, that maybe there was hope for reconciliation before he died, and the fact that his own family tried to declare him dead to get his money. All of it crushes something inside him, something he didn't know he still had or cared about.

'What did he leave me, exactly?' he asks, sitting down in front of mother. She takes out a stack of papers - again, from the inside of her blazer - and deposits them on the table on top of the wedding photo. Dean's face vanishes under it. Castiel wonders, dispassionately, how many pockets she has.

The will is long, but mother's helped him out; she's circled the part that matters with a pen. He reads it - and the amount of money he's being given is so absurd, he doesn't really feel anything when he sees it. It just feels like a number. Then, he reads the rest of it, and realizes he's getting the most. And Gabriel - he'll receive quite a sum, too.

'I assume you want me to resign, and inherit it,' he says in a dead voice, studying the papers.

'That's correct, but no one in their right mind would,' mother sighs, as if she's suffering because of his upcoming decision. Castiel supposes she might be. The amount she’ll receive is significantly lower.

'What's the catch?' he asks, because there's always one.

'It's on page four,' mother tells him. 'You need to come back and become a co-owner of the company. _With_ your omega.'

Castiel stops, looks up.

'What?' he asks, and can't stop himself. 'Why would father want me to be -'

'He wasn't the same after you left,' Michael says, taking out a water bottle from the fridge. Not that Castiel's ever told him to make himself at home, but he does anyway. 'You were his favorite. Everyone knew that. Didn't matter what I and the others did, he always had a bleeding heart for the _fragile_ little Castiel,' he utters the last words mockingly.

'What you did was use omegas however you wanted,' Castiel snarls. 'Endless partners, endless _slaves_.'

'You never could understand it's in their nature,' mother shakes her head. 'We're above them, Castiel, we always have been. Seems like most people don't have an issue with that.'

'Of course they don't. It's so much easier to just profit from it,' he replies bitterly. This conversation is pointless. It's not like he's going to convince them.

'Well, either way,' mother clears her throat. 'If you accept the terms, you have to sign it. We have driven in a van and have a cage ready, for your omega -'

'A cage,' Castiel huffs out a sarcastic laugh. Of course they have.

'Unless you can control your omega,' Michael raises his eyebrows, a self-satisfied smile on his face. Castiel wants to punch him.

'Don't act like you're doing us a favor,' mother says, and sounds irritated for the first time. 'You're the reason the company's doing so badly, now. If you hadn't taken those omegas - the amount of work I had to put into re-establishing our good name -'

Castiel tunes her out and stares at the will instead.

It's a lot of money. It's so much money, he'd never have to work again, ever, and he idly entertains all the possibilities, everything he could do being this wealthy. He could afford to take Dean out to places like Blue Moon, fancier even. He could buy him all the blankets and all the CDs and never worry about the price tags. He could change things in the company - though it would be a constant battle between him and his brothers, and there's no certainty he'd manage to have any influence. But he could _try_. Maybe he could help omegas. And he wants to read the letter father's left him, he wants to know what's changed. The offer's tempting, but there's not really anything to consider.

A, it's money made from training omegas. B, neither he nor Dean want the luxurious life. C, going back home is the last thing he wants.

Even _if_ Dean would forgive him for his past, give him a second chance - even then, especially then, he would never take him to the family house. With the collar on or not, it would be a constant stream of humiliation - mother trying to train him into a perfect omega, showing him off to other people like a piece of meat. Michael and Luke groping him or - or worse, when Castiel isn’t around. The stifling atmosphere of a house frozen in time, where titles and ancestors and savoir-vivre actually matter, and Dean would never get to be himself, instead living in fear of abuse, with people who have built their lives on "correcting" omegas. It's not even an option, never has been, but Castiel hesitates for just a second, because of the letter. He wishes he could get to read that. That and - his family will get all of that money. Not like _he_ deserves it, but they deserve it even less; but life's never fair, is it?

He wonders for a moment what Dean would say in his place, and he's pretty sure it would be something along the lines of 'fuck you and your money' and despite the circumstances, he almost, almost smiles.

'Where do I sign to decline?'

Mother stops whatever she was going to complain about next, and looks at him in shock. Even Michael, the always collected Michael, jolts a little, surprised, and spills some water on the table.

'You want to decline?' 

'Yes,' Castiel looks for a pen on the small shelf under the coffee table. 'I thought that would have been obvious. I said you will never see my omega. You won't see me either.'

'Now that's a surprise,' Michael seems to get back on his metaphorical feet. 'What's the matter? I thought _Dean_ was already trained enough not to embarrass you in front of alphas. What was his ex's name, Alastair? They told me about him at the center. Heard he had your slut crawling behind him on command -’

'Shut up!' Castiel yells, and the force of it startles him. He thinks something shows on Michael's face, something he's never seen before, and the tiny hint of it in his scent... it travels across the room, and it's _fear_. Castiel feels dumbfounded, but before he can react, mother interrupts them, shooting Michael a furious glare.

'Stop it right now, can't you see he's made his decision?'

Very well. Mother's quick to show him where to sign. He reads it through, just in case, but they want the money, so there's no need to deceive him. Everything seems to be in order too. Just like that, all ties with his family are cut, and they're impossibly richer, all thanks to him.

Doesn't matter, he tells himself. What matters is Dean. He doesn't know if he'd ever be able to do anything about the center if he became partly responsible for it - because of his cruel brothers, yes, but mostly because of the way the world is, the way it wants to treat omegas - but he can do something about Dean.

Michael doesn't say another word, and they move to leave. His brother doesn't spare him a glance, going straight for the car, but mother stops in the doorway and turns around to look at him. She still seems... overwhelmed, as if they were sure that he was going to be bought, and Castiel feels a bit of sick satisfaction.

'You really believe all that,' mother says, dazed. 'The thing about omegas being like us.'

'Yes, I thought I made that clear,' Castiel replies, strongly. There's a split second where his mother looks unsure of herself, something so uncanny, Castiel can't really comprehend it - but then the emotionless facade is back.

'This is farewell, then,' she says. 'This is the life you've chosen for yourself.'

It is. It's heavy, it's lonely, but it's what he deserves. Mother leaves, and somehow Castiel knows they're not going to come back ever again. He's free.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i want to thank you for the huge reception on my previous chapter. i know there's been a long wait, but for the first time, i couldn't get it just right. i've been surprised to find out so many of you have been so invested in this story, and i wanted to give it my best! *this* is as best as it gets, though, after almost a month of everyday writing, and while i'm not totally satisfied, i need to move forward before i pass out re-editing this chapter for the 100th time.
> 
> [Fledhyris](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fledhyris) helped me a lot, cleaning it up and offering some great tips - she's an amazing editor, a joy to chat with and a great writer - her SPN fics are creative and beautifully written, so check them out, especially if you're a fan of wincest. she told me not to keep some of the mistakes in this chapter, but i still kept them because i consider them, at this point, my "writing style" - so that's all on me ;) 
> 
> can't wait to hear what you think! and don't worry about another long break between the chapters - the next one is all done, as is half of the third one! so just some slight editing and expect the next chapter in a couple of days! bye


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> timeline: same day as 2 previous chapters (05/06)  
>  **this chapter was beta'd by[Fledhyris](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fledhyris). thank you!!**

Dean tries to think logically in the backseat of the taxi, but he can't. He's too scared. He hates the feeling of suffocating panic because deep down he knows that if only he could focus, some things would make more sense, but his breath is too loud while everything else comes from afar, the sound of traffic, the radio in the car, and his head hurts like he's going to pass out.

Alpha didn't even touch him.

He had asked for help, like he was told to, and still, alpha totally ignored him.

_ but he was scared,  _ a voice in his head tells him, _ look what you are when you're scared. you make no goddamn sense. _

And yeah, he really doesn't, just like now, cause thinking about alpha is bad because not only is he in shock, he thinks - he recognizes the unsteady feeling and how unreal everything seems, even though he knows it's very real - but also, he  _ worries  _ about alpha. He feels betrayed, yes, he feels lost, but he's never seen Castiel act like that, like he was out of his mind with fear - he has to have a reason for all this fear -

_ i don't want to talk about my family, _ he'd said, days ago -

and now that family's coming, and Dean's pretty sure something sudden happened, too, but does it matter now? He's been sent away, either to become better or just cause he'd be a nuisance around guests. He might never come back. He knows how this goes, even when he improves, once he's gone Castiel will realize how much of a burden he is and how much better it is without him, and then it's just, sorry to see you go, but  _ go, Dean. _

Thinking about alpha makes his chest tighten so he tries to think about anything else. Like Benny - the alpha he's being sent to - and he's pretty sure he was the big burly guy on the laptop camera thing. He seemed the least nice out of all of them, and his posture only made him seem more intimidating. He kind of wishes he got sent to that Charlie, instead, he's at least talked to her. She seemed okay. But it's not him calling the shots, it never is.

They come to a stop, then, and Dean looks out of the window. It's a small one-story house, but not run-down, at least. Does it really matter? Maybe it does, if it's gonna be his next home from now on.

The beta driver turns around and tells him the price, and Dean freezes.

'I- I don't have any money,' he says. That's not his fault too, is it? Castiel didn't give him  _ anything _ , and then he touches his collar by instinct, as he often does when he's outside, just to calm himself down a little. But his hand only lands on his bare skin, and he claws at his neck in blind panic. Jesus, the collar is at home, he left the collar, now anyone can fuck him, how did alpha forget, he can't go out without the collar and -

'I got it covered,' a husky voice says and Dean jumps, presses himself close to the door. The alpha - Benny - leans in through the open window and hands the driver the cash, and smiles at Dean. He seems to realize how afraid he is - they can both smell it, Dean forgot about that, he must be stinking up the car with his scent - and opens the door opposite to Dean.

'Hi,' he bends down to look at Dean, who scoots even further away on his seat, like a caged animal. The guy's gigantic, this does not bode well at all. 'I'm Benny. Come on out, now, sweetheart.'

_ Not your sweetheart, _ Dean thinks, it sets him on edge. Only alpha can call him that. But as much as he'd like to say that, he can't. He can't do anything, frozen in his spot; he doesn't want to stay in the taxi, he doesn't want to come out and go with Benny to his house where he can do anything to him and -

he just wants to go home, maybe if he closes his eyes and wishes hard enough, alpha's gonna come, and he's gonna hug him with his strong arms and his warm blue eyes will look at Dean concerned and he'll take him home and make sure he's safe, and he'll hold him until Dean calms down and -

'Alpha said I'm not allowed to be fucked,' he says, instead, defensively. 'I got no c-collar, but I swear, you can call him, he won't - he won't be happy if you fu-'

'I won't, cher,' Benny says, sad and calming. 'I'll show you I ain't got no bad intentions. Come on,' he coaxes.

'Just get out of the car, fuck,' the beta driver huffs. 'I got places to be!'

'Can't ya see he ain't ready?' Benny snaps at him, and Dean trembles, but that gets him moving. He might be out of his mind with fear but he's not going to make a scene, end up carried out of the car like some abused dog, he still has some pride. Not much though.

He climbs out of the car and stands by Benny's side. He's even taller than the alpha, which usually pisses them off - like he can help it - but he's thin as a twig while Benny is all muscle and broad shoulders, and he looks like he wouldn't fall over if a truck hit him full-force.

The taxi drives away as soon as he's out, with a screech of tires, and Dean startles. Benny rubs his hand over his own neck and holds it out to Dean.

'Smell like I'm in the mood for anything, brother?' he asks, and Dean doesn't even have to press his nose to it to get Benny's scent. He's calm and sad and a little - melancholic? - but definitely not horny, not even a hint of it.

'No, sir,' he replies, still maintaining a distance.

'Let's get you inside, Dean,' Benny gestures to the house. They walk to the front door, and with every step Dean feels more and more like it's a death march.

The inside is nice, but overwhelming. It feels like a museum of sorts; dark, wooden walls, wooden boards on the floor, old-school paintings - so far all of them depicting the sea, a boat and some sailors in increasing stages of torment - a heavy, leather couch in the middle of the living room, and a bunch of antiques everywhere. Dean's first thought is that this place is going to be a bitch to clean; his second thought is that most likely, every single book and frame and statue here is worth more than him, and that's not promising. He imagines breaking something; what would Benny's punishment be? Does he like to beat omegas up, or will he trap him somewhere for hours, or maybe he'll take away his food - whatever it'll be, Dean tries to steel himself, because it shouldn't - maybe couldn't - be any worse than Alastair.

'I'm a bit of a history buff,' Benny tells him, as if to explain the Allan Quatermain decor. No Sharon Stone in sight, though. It looks like he lives alone. 'Let's go to the living room, eh?'

Dean thinks he might throw up or start crying, though, so he gathers his courage and whispers:

'Please, s-sir, c-c-can I-' he hates the stuttering, but he can't stop it. 'B-bathroom?'

'Oh, sure,' Benny sounds a little guilty when he points to the door at the end of the corridor, and Dean flinches away from the outstretched hand. 'There, take your time.'

Dean walks there stiffly and closes the door behind himself, but doesn't lock it. Probably not allowed. He sits on the closed toilet, not sure why he came there in the first place. He just needed... just a second, just one second to breathe.

Instead of breathing, he ends up crying pathetically, looking around the interior just to have something to do. Benny has an interesting decor even here, dark brown tiles with small golden leaves in the middle, sparkling. There's a heavy-looking bathtub on those old claw feet and Dean thinks it's fucking ugly, who the fuck buys stuff like this when you could get a shower with glass walls and good water pressure?

Welcome to your new home, Dean concludes bitterly. Jesus. He really did get soft. Just a month ago he'd have been ecstatic to meet an alpha who seemed as decent as Benny and who had a house that he cared about instead of some dump. All the other alphas would've already dragged him out of the taxi by the hair and slapped him around, not tried to reason with him and calm him down.

But his husband is on a whole new level, and Dean's stupid for thinking it could last, and he's stupid for wanting it, but he does.

He's still deciding what actually happened, which theory he is leaning towards more. Alpha might've been too out of it to explain it to him, sure, and he really wanted him out and away as soon as possible. That's fact one. But he took the time to find someone nice to take him in, Dean convinces himself weakly, so it's not all bad. Or maybe he just took the time to find someone competent, who would teach him how to be a better omega.

He wouldn't think it's punishment - cause it would've had to be tied to the call, and that didn't make sense - except that last bit, alpha turning so cold and distant, and not listening to him at all, he just had to have done something wrong. It might've been everything, cause he became so daring with alpha being lenient and even approving, and he can't even pick one thing to analyze, there's been so many out of the ordinary.

Maybe Benny will tell him what he did wrong.

Dean thinks, fact two, it was Castiel's family coming. The estranged, rich, entitled family. Castiel clearly resented them because of - something - but maybe when they were finally coming, he was embarrassed by Dean and sent him away to be better. Or maybe he wanted to pretend he doesn't have an omega at all. Dean doesn't know, but he imagines an omega from the system, especially one like him, is sort of a disgrace to the kind of people Castiel's family could be.

But Castiel didn't care about the lavish lifestyle back at the restaurant, he hated it.

So why? Why did he send him away? If it was just privacy, Dean's sure it wouldn't have been such a big deal. He could've stayed in the room. So he has two facts - Castiel wanted him away and Castiel wanted him away from his family - and too many questions without answers. Not sent away for bad behavior, maybe. Not sent away because he's embarrassing, probably. Sent away because he's just a plaything and he was way too much into the whole trusting his new, perfect alpha thing? Most likely, but he still (hopelessly) doesn't want to believe it, believe that it was all a huge, elaborate lie and alpha's truly betrayed him.

He's worried that Benny is gonna knock on his door any second now, but he can't stop crying, the sleeves of his coat are all wet from the tears he keeps wiping and he keeps one fist in his mouth so as not to be heard. Thinks back to the first time he was crying with alpha around, and how he surprised him by hugging him and carrying him to bed and then spooning him. And he said he'd keep him safe. He kept saying that a lot, actually.

There was one more thing Castiel said, now that Dean thinks about it, panic letting up a little, once he's able to think of some happier memories. When he stammered so much. He said it was all his fault, and that he was sorry. Dean remembers a fleeting thought he had, then, that he was being forced to send him away, somehow.  _ He  _ was sorry.  _ His _ fault.

It implied that - that something could happen to Dean. That sending him away was...

_ keeping me safe? _

It's a lot to assume, because once your family calls you ( _ i don't know how they found me _ ) and visits you for the first time in forever, and something sudden happens, too - someone died, maybe? ( _ what? when? _ ) and you hate them and can't even think straight, would you really pay so much attention to your omega out of all things, to keeping him far out of the way?

Dean doesn't know, he's ready to give up. It's all too much.

He wipes his face best as he can, and then contemplates using the sink. Benny let him go to the bathroom so he must've agreed to using the water, right? He turns it on, but keeps it cold just in case, and washes his face a little to look more presentable. Once he comes out, he finds the alpha sitting on the couch in his living room, waiting for him.

Dean comes over and drops to his knees. He forces himself to look at the floor, though he wants nothing more than to keep his head up, assess his surroundings. Know where the blows are coming from.

_ Alpha said he's a good man _ , his brain tries to comfort him, calm him down. Dean's shaking again, he's embarrassed but he can't stop. He's not in charge of his body, he learnt that a long time ago. It either does what it wants or what alphas want it to.  _ Alpha said he won't hurt you. _

Alpha said a lot of things.

'All good?' Benny asks, and Dean can see he's leaning forward from the way his boots shift in his peripheral vision. 'Do you have any questions, any at all?'

He has a fuckload of questions, but this isn't his first rodeo, no way he's throwing himself under the bus in the first ten minutes. He shakes his head silently. There's a pause.

'I reckon we oughta set up some rules first,' Benny says, his voice sounding... empathetic?

'Yes, sir,' Dean replies. That seemed like a question.

'First, I ain't your alpha, so no kneelin'. You sit on couches or chairs or beds or anywhere you want, got that?' Dean nods and immediately gets up, perches on the edge of the couch, his eyes still on the ground. 'Second, you can look anywhere you want. Third, you can ask me anythin', anytime, and I'll be happy as a dead pig in the sunshine if you do.'

Dean looks up at that, brows knit together. Gross, what the fuck is _ that  _ supposed to mean?

'S-so... will y-you be happy? If I, you know, ask?' and then quickly adds, 'sir?' He keeps his eyes carefully on Benny's chest, nowhere above. He said he can look anywhere, sure, but Dean's not gonna risk it, he's not that stupid.

'Just said so, right?' Benny frowns, and then seems to understand. 'Oh, cher. Now, I gather you ain't from the south.'

Dean shakes his head, his hands still trembling in his lap.

'Kansas,' he supplies quietly, cause it sounds like the alpha wants a response.

'That explains it. Me, born on the bayou,' Benny sounds like he smiles, but Dean can't see. 'The Big Easy, zombies, crawdads, the works. Ever been there?'

The questions confuse Dean; he understood the rules, sure, but that's all? What about cleaning and cooking and sleeping and some schedule, and most of all, what about Castiel? Instead, Benny seems to want to have a regular conversation, like he's trying to be friends with him.

'No, sir,' Dean says, hoping his agitation doesn't show.

'Call me Benny, if you can,' the alpha tells him gently, and Dean nods jerkily. Sure. Benny. He doesn't like this, this isn't good. His new - substitute? - alpha is weird.

'Of course, sir, uh, B-Benny,' Dean clenches his fists in his lap, he said it's okay to ask, and he doesn't trust him one bit but he has to do _ something _ . 'Can we talk - can we, uh-' Benny shifts in his seat and Dean flinches and protects his stomach, curls in on himself. 'Sorry!'

'It's okay, brother, ain't gonna hurt ya,' Benny assures him. 'Keep goin'.'

But Dean can't. He shakes his head, no words are gonna come out right now. God, he wishes he wasn't so weak.

'You good? Ain't gonna pass out or somethin'?' Benny asks, and he sounds worried, now, leaning forward, so Dean shakes his head again, nails digging into his palms, arms pressing hard on his stomach, but he can't unwrap them. He wants to go home. Everything smells wrong here, foreign, and it makes him feel out of place and odd and so scared.

'Do you want to talk about Castiel?' the alpha asks and yes, thanks, finally, Dean nods. A couple of times. 'Maybe you can shed some light on this thing, cause I ain't got no idea what's happenin'.'

'Got kicked out,' Dean tells him, his throat dry. 'Dunno why.'

'Now, you didn't get kicked out,' Benny says. 'Castiel called me, asked me if I can take ya in.'

'Did he say why?' Dean asks, desperate. 'He didn't wanna tell me. I don't know if it's somethin' I did, but I swear I can do better. You can call him - please - and I, I swear I'm not ever gonna be like I was before-'

'This ain't your fault, Dean,' Benny interrupts him sternly. 'Look at me.'

Dean does, that's an order. The alpha looks serious but not mad, and his scent is fainter than Castiel's - maybe cause they're not mated - but he's still calm.

'Castiel wasn't his normal self when he called me,' he explains. 'Said his folks were comin' over. Now, I don't know what's the... situation, but I know he ain't ever talked about them, all the years I know'im. He talk about them to you?'

'No,' Dean shakes his head. 'I asked him, but he wouldn't tell me.'

'He said he needs you to be safe,' Benny goes on.

Oh.

'If we sit here and add two and two together, we can hazard a guess his family are the ones who can hurt ya. He said they were - very traditional, if I recall. Also said he got some bad news.'

'Yeah, I think -' Dean exhales slowly. 'I think someone died, maybe. I don't know why he wouldn't tell me.'

It hurts, but why would alpha share that with him? That's so personal. But he likes Dean, Dean thinks, Dean  _ thought - _ he doesn't know anything anymore. An hour ago, he was sure that alpha liked his company and he was starting to believe that maybe - just maybe - he really did enjoy seeing him happy, though why, he wasn't sure.

Maybe for the same reason that Dean enjoyed seeing him happy, too.

Very traditional. Dean didn't know about that one, but it explains some things, it fuels his most outlandish idea about Castiel spending the last minutes before his family's arrival to take care of _ his _ safety. Castiel's family is wealthy, distant and now, also traditional. Dean still favours the idea of a religious cult. Maybe they'd treat him like an object or something. Maybe they'd hurt him. Could they take him away from Castiel? Dean doesn't think so. He's alpha's property by law, and unless alpha says so, he can't be given away. Even then, it requires checking in with the omega center, some paperwork, but why would he do it in the first place? No, that's not it. They also can't steal him away, he has a chip and the police would find him in no time. The only option is that they could hurt him during their short stay. Maybe his brother is really brutal or something... Dean doesn't know. Maybe they can force alpha to go back home.

'I don't get it,' Dean says, defeated. 'I don't know enough to make sense of it.'

'Well, Castiel did say that you being safe is the only thing that matters,' Benny replies. Dean looks up, startled. 'It seemed to be the only thing on his mind.'

'So - if - if they could hurt me, is alpha safe?' Dean asks, dread filling him for another reason, this time. Maybe that's why they came. Maybe they want payback, and that's why alpha has been hiding all these years - 'Shit, is he safe?'

'He is, don't worry, they're not-' Benny stops and sighs. 'They're only dangerous to omegas.'

'Why, how can you know that?' Dean insists, too alarmed to be scared for once. 'If alpha's in danger, please, we gotta go there and-'

'He's not,' Benny cuts him off, and sounds stern, this time. Dean trembles. He's crossed a line.

'Sorry, I'm so sorry. I'm just - I'm worried.'

Benny purses his lips, looks conflicted. There's something going on here, and Dean's gonna offer anything he has for more information-

But there's no need.

'Look, now, I don't think I'm supposed to be telling you this,' Benny says slowly. 'I think it's between you and your alpha, but I can't just let you sit here and worry yourself to death, brother. Castiel told me one more thing - that his parents are the founders of one of the oldest omega training centers.'

Oh.

Holy shit.

The punishment center is a part of the training center; Dean's never been there because Alastair wanted to train him himself, but essentially, it's the same as being turned into a slave - far from the Disney experience. And his good alpha... belongs to a family of people who have made it happen.

_ Now _ it makes sense. Alpha's cluelessness about omegas, his seclusion, him freaking out about not hurting Dean; something horrible obviously happened in the center, years ago, and Castiel blames his family. Or, Dean thinks, feeling like his blood has frozen in his veins, he was in on it. He was hurting omegas too. Until... something happened and he... chose to keep himself away from all omegas, in general. He blames himself.

_ if something like that happens, where I have no control- _

Is that why he's always so obsessed with control? With not going too far, not even when Dean says he wants to, with not doing anything even slightly wrong? Is it because... something happened where he had no control, his family had, and now he thinks it's all his fault?

Dean doesn't know, and he feels another wave of betrayal wash over him. That's something alpha could've told him, that's - if he's hurt omegas before, even if it was ages ago, Dean would've  _ liked _ to know -

Except, here's the question. What matters more - the Castiel who did horrible things (not that Dean knows that for sure) - in the distant past, or the Castiel who has never hurt him, who has given him affection like he'd never known before? Maybe that's why he didn't want to tell him. Maybe he was ashamed or thought Dean would freak out like he did with the collar or with the pants or just all the fucking time, maybe Castiel couldn't even imagine the level of freaking out Dean could achieve after  _ this _ revelation...

Plus, it's not like he owes him any explanation. Dean's just an omega. Alpha doesn't have any obligation to tell him anything personal. Plus, Dean's not told him about his past either, and he has done some shitty things, too. He's stolen, broken the law constantly, flirted with people to get information or borrow something from their pockets, broken in, visited crime scenes... he was a criminal, and though it was with good intentions in mind, it was still a secret.

Plus, Castiel's just not the type of person who likes hurting somebody. He remembers the almost sex - whenever he got scared, one instant boner kill for alpha. Remembers alpha giving him pleasure for no reason at all, no other reason than him enjoying it. He told alpha that he can beat him up, he's given him excuses to, and alpha never did. Alpha was... repulsed by it. Sure, maybe Dean's delusional, maybe it's all been done to gain his trust and have more fun in breaking him, but, no, no, not Castiel. Besides, he's been sent away to be protected. So no, Castiel doesn't want him hurt. He's changed, or he's not hurt anyone to begin with.

'Dean, I'm just saying, it's clear he just wants you safe. He cares about you,' Benny tells him, his expression softening. Dean wonders what he looks like when his mind is racing like that.

'You think so?' he asks quietly, bashful but wanting to be assured all the same.

'I know so. He just called me when you were in the bathroom to ask if you're alright. He forgot to make sure you had your collar on. Now, to me that's someone who gives a damn.'

Alpha called? When he found the collar, he must've been worried, Dean thinks. Probably. But it was his own fault that he didn't pay enough attention, he never goes out without it.

'But then why did he, why'd he act like that?' Dean questions in despair. Benny has a lot of answers, maybe he can tell him that, too.

'Like what?'

'He...'  _ didn't hug me, _ 'He, I don't know, he was so cold. He didn't wanna touch me and he, uh, used the alpha voice, and all, and then he kinda - slammed the door and - I know I was bad. I know I had to be. Please _ please  _ tell me what it was. I'll fix it, I swear.'

He tries to look subdued and earnest and good, but Benny just seems sad.

'Cher, I told you it ain't got nothin' to do with how you act. He didn't tell me nothin' about that. You're just my guest for the evening until they leave and he can come get you, and-'

'The evening?!' Dean interrupts him, shocked. 'So I'm not living here? You're not my new alpha for now?'

Benny frowns and shakes his head, his mouth open, as if not sure what to say.

'I told you I ain't your alpha-'

'Well, not yet, but-'

'Let me finish, Dean,' it's not angry or anything, but Dean ducks his head. He's already pushing his luck big time, most alphas would have had him punished for insolence already. 'Did you really think Castiel tried to keep you safe so he sent you here, for what? Days, weeks?'

'I don't know!' Dean raises his voice, and hugs himself, frustrated. 'Alpha said he doesn't know for how long, and I did ask him, and he didn't say. He didn't say, like, anything, other than that I gotta go!'

'I don't know why he didn't tell you, but I promise you, Dean, you being here is just spending time with me to be away from Castiel's parents, that's all it is. He said one evening. I ain't here to train you or whatever else is going through your head right now. We can just hang out, watch movies or talk until all this is over, and he comes to get you.'

Dean exhales and sags in his seat.

'He should've told you,' Benny says, more to himself, and grimaces. 'That ain't how it's done, it ain't right. I'm sorry you were so worried, cher. I only wanted to know if you knew why Castiel's parents are visiting him, what's the big news. Maybe someone died, but then why wouldn't they just call?'

They sit in silence for a while, and Dean thinks his head is going to explode with all the facts he's learned. Would it have killed alpha to tell him that he was gonna be back home in a couple hours? Surely he had time for that, at least?!

'You want somethin' to eat or drink?'

Dean startles; he doesn't know how long they've been sitting next to each other, just thinking. He's glad for all the information, but his behavior was straight up rude.

'I'm sorry,' he says, and really means it. 'I wasn't being polite. Thanks for telling me more.'

'No need to thank me,' Benny waves a hand, dismissing it. 'It ain't fair he didn't tell you. But now, we can just relax and worry about the rest later. So, food, drinks?'

Dean nods, and gets up.

'I'll prepare it,' he says quickly. 'Please just tell me what.'

'You're a guest, Dean,' Benny gets up as well and heads to the kitchen, leaving Dean to stand uncomfortably in the middle of the living room. 'Take a seat, you look like you need it.'

Dean does sit down, but an alpha serving him drinks, not even his mate, rubs him up the wrong way. Also, he realizes with a surge of fear, he can't get tea or coffee or whatever. Too easy for Benny to slip something in it.

Questions are okay, he convinces himself, it's rule number two, and rules are good.

'Sir? I mean, B-Benny,' the alpha comes out of the kitchen for just a moment and looks at him expectantly. 'Can I, uh, just get bottled water?'

'Sure,' he smiles again, and if Dean wasn't so anxious and homesick, he'd appreciate it. Benny seems to be trying hard to be friendly. He comes back in no time, carrying a bottle for him and a bag of unopened salty chips, and puts them on the table.

'I ain't best prepared for now, I just got out of work when the boss called me, but I did make up the guest room for you. So if you want to go to sleep, it's the first door on the right. If not, we can watch some TV.'

Dean considers it, but sitting on a bed - if he gets one - or sitting here, there’s not much difference. He won't fall asleep and not only cause he's so wired; he needs to keep an eye out for Benny, just in case.

'TV?' he asks timidly, reaching for the bottle. It's brand new and the seal cracks when it's opened, thank God. As  Benny browses some movies, Dean stares at the wall to his left which is just a huge display of various, probably old, weapons. Knives, swords, anything with a pointy end. Dean recognizes almost all of them.

'Do you like, uh, sharp objects, sir?' he asks before he can stop himself, out of sheer curiosity that may be his downfall. The machete in the middle reminds him of dad. Dad taught him all about weapons and Dean got real fucking good at throwing knives.

Alastair liked sharp objects too, but he used knives for something different. Dean feels his scars itch.

'Oh,' Benny laughs a little as he follows his line of sight. 'Yeah, I used to, uh - I was in those historical battle reenactments since I was a runt.'

'Really?' Dean looks back at him, interested despite himself. 'Like, you'd put on a costume and fight a pretend war and stuff?'

'Exactly like that, yeah,' Benny chuckles. 'The weaponry on the wall is what I used. We mostly dressed up as pirates, that's why I have so many swords. Even gotten a couple awards, fencing was quite a thing for me back then.'

'You used that machete for anything?' The thing is huge.

'Splittin' open coconuts when I worked at a cooking joint, mostly,' Benny says, grinning. 'Come on, check it out.'

They both get up and head to the display. Dean stares at the swords; there's one that's all wavy and it looks cool, but mostly, he likes the short knives, and there's a collection of them. Benny notices his interest and taps the glass they're trapped behind.

'These here are good for throwing straight, no spin,' he tells him, but doesn't sound overbearing or anything, just conversational.

'Yeah, I know, they're the Perfect Point knives,' Dean replies absent-mindedly, moving to inspect the other one. 'That's the Buck 110 Hunter!'

Damn, he had one just like this, dad gave it to him on his 14th birthday. The police confiscated it when they caught him, along with everything else. No knives for omegas.

'A connoisseur, I see,' Benny chuckles, but he sounds impressed. 'You ever hunt, Dean?'

For the biggest, most vicious animal out there, yeah, he used to.

'No,' he says instead, cause it's not like he ever shot a deer, and that's what Benny's asking. Not like he'd want to, either. 'But I can throw. My dad was big on self-defence. Ex-marine.'

Benny whistles.

'Well, if you ever wanna have a throwing match, just ask your alpha and you can both come over. I oughta have some targets in my basement from the training times.'

Dean feels a pang of excitement at the idea. It'd kinda be like being himself again. But then, he remembers where he is and what he's doing, and that he's not even sure what the situation is with Castiel, and he steps back.

'Thank you,' he says, 'sounds nice.'

Benny frowns at his change of mood, so Dean lowers his eyes.

'I like to talk about weapons, brother,' he assures him gently. 'You got any more questions?'

Dean lingers just a bit before shaking his head.

'What about this one, hm?' Benny points to the cool wavy sword Dean was looking at before. Shit, he's always so transparent, years of trying not to be noticed and he's still too predictable. 'The blade is called a Flamberge. You know why it looks like that?'

Dean shakes his head.

'Come on, if you had to guess,' Benny pushes, and Dean shrugs a little, tense.

'Lodges better in the body, maybe. Extra damage? Harder to pull out?' he ventures quietly, but Benny beams, like discussing it with Dean really makes him happy.

'All fair guesses, but actually, it was supposed to cause vibrations when you parried with an opponent.'

'Oh. Cool,' Dean really thinks so, he'd never have thought about that. 'D-did you, uh, ever use it, sir, Benny?'

'Yeah, a couple of times,' Benny smiles. 'It was - well,' his smile fades and then suddenly disappears. 'Before, I, uh, had me an omega. Andrea, was her name. The most beautiful omega to walk the Earth, I'm tellin' ya. No offence. She'd do a lot of fencing with me, but then, she passed and - I had to quit.'

He clears his throat.

'I'm sorry,' Dean means it. It's obvious Benny cared about his mate.

'Yeah, me too,' Benny stares ahead, lost in some memory, but then shakes it off. 'Alright, now, let's watch that movie, shall we?'

Forty minutes later and Dean's finally relaxing, because Benny's asleep on the couch some distance away from him. He gave him the bag of chips which Dean has been chewing, not really hungry, trying to follow the plot of some low-budget action movie, trying his best not to think about Castiel.

Finally, the movie ends, and still no news. Benny wakes up and yawns, and checks his phone.

'Oh, your alpha texted,' he tells Dean, and Dean turns to him, anxious for any information. 'He says a bit more time, and then he'll come. He's asking about you.'

'I'm - I'm okay,' Dean shrugs, unsure what to say. Benny quickly types some reply, frowning at the phone, and then pockets it and tries a tired smile.

'Time for that sweet rest for me, cher, but you're welcome to stay here.'

'No, it's alright, I'll go,' Dean says and gets up. Benny shows him to the guest room and it's tiny, but better than what Dean's ever had to himself, even back with dad; it's well-kept and clean, a tall queen bed with a soft comforter and two plaid blankets on it - looking like they were laid out especially for him - and a dresser, and a window to the backyard. Dean thanks him, and Benny bids him goodnight.

The doors close and Dean sits on the bed, gingerly, alone at last. It gets pretty chilly in the room and he discovers the window's open, but he's scared to close it, he didn't ask if he can. So he wraps himself in the two blankets, instead, and sits on the bed cross-legged, and waits.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ive read like SEVEN to TEN articles on louisiana slang to make Benny sound legit. for any southerners out there, sorry if i messed up ;)
> 
> well, dean's not had the worst time for once? let me know what you think, and as always, i'm looking forward to hearing from you! thanks for all the kudos, all the comments, it all means so much!!! i'm working on the next chapter, can't say yet when it'll be out but i always try to make it happen fast! :))


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> timeline: same day as 3 previous chapters (05/06)  
> this chapter was beta'd by [ Fledhyris](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fledhyris). thank you!!

The view from the room isn't too fascinating, but the fresh air smells of grass and leaves and Dean rests his head on the wall and thinks about a story dad used to tell him, about a ghost knife. There was a knife fight between two warriors, in some old tribe; one of them slipped and fell into the river, and tried to grasp his knife - his only chance to survive - but it was just out of reach. He died in that creek but the bloodied knife stayed, and it's supposed to be there until this day, visible but impossible to grab, always slipping out of reach. Dad would tell the story a lot, when they were kids, and Dean was always glad that real knives don't work like that. But Sam - he's sure Sam still remembers all the names - of the tribe, of the creek, maybe even of the goddamn knife, if it had one - even now, when he's some hotshot lawyer, so far away from home and away from him.

It gets cold enough that Dean pulls the comforter off the bed and wraps it around himself as well as the blankets. He wishes he could just close the window. He's tired of the stress, tired of all the orders he doesn't understand, tired of having to guess why he's suddenly sitting on a foreign bed in a foreign house instead of in his nest, with his alpha not bothered to explain it to him.

He doesn't know how much time passes and he's sure he dozes off a couple of times, but then, he hears quick, heavy steps in the corridor, and flinches and presses himself to the wall. Benny's coming, he decided to take a sample after all, no collar and ready to be used-

but Benny's steps pass by his door and he heads to the main entrance, and opens it, and Dean hears _ his  _ alpha's voice, and his heart jumps in his chest.

'- is he alright?'

'Sure, he's in his room, asleep,' Benny tells alpha, and Dean takes the comforter off and makes hasty work of putting it back on the bed the way he'd found it. Alpha's here, he really came back for him, he can go _ home  _ -

'You good?'

'I am,' Castiel replies. 'It's over.' Dean waits for him to enter his room, any minute now, straightens the covers, but Benny and alpha stop in the corridor and seem to argue.

'-not right, he showed up here scared out of his goddam' mind, you should've told him-'

'I know I've made mistakes, Benny. I didn't have time to-'

'-had enough time to tell me about the training center at least. He's not an idiot, he could figure it out on his own. He thought you were sending him away for me to discipline him, that he was gonna stay here for days or weeks.'

'What?!' alpha raises his voice. 'I told him I just needed him away-'

'Yeah, cause that sounds so much better, chief,' Benny sighs. 'Look, not my business, but it ain't fair.'

Silence falls, and it's tense, but then, there's a knock on Dean's door.

'Yeah?' Dean asks, his voice hoarse. He almost vibrates with anticipation. He wants to know what was really going on all this time, but he's also damn scared of it.

Castiel opens the door and peeks in, and he looks about ten years older now, his face pale, his eyes sunken and red-rimmed. He's been crying or trying very hard not to. God, Dean missed alpha so much.

'Dean,' Castiel says, and it hangs in the air, awkward and unsure. 'May I come in?'

Dean nods and stands up, still wrapped in his blankets.

'It's so cold in here,' Castiel shivers, and goes past Dean to close the window. 'Are you alright?'

Dean shrugs.

Castiel hesitates, but then takes a step forward, closer to him, and holds out a hand to rest on his shoulder.

'Did Benny treat you well?' he asks, and Dean takes a step back, away from the touch, until he bumps into the bed. Castiel smells and looks so heartbroken, Dean almost wishes he hadn’t done that. The hand retreats.

'Yes, alpha,' Dean replies dispassionately.

'I'm so sorry,' Castiel says, and sounds devastated. 'I- I'll explain what happened, I-'

'Can I go back home?' Dean interrupts him, avoiding his gaze.

'Of - of course,' Castiel assures him fervently. 'That's why I'm here.'

'Can I go back, for good?' Dean stresses, and a new wave of sadness comes from Castiel and hits him hard.

'As long as you want to stay, yes, I - I'll never make you leave again,' Castiel promises, but he's promised some other things before, too.

'What if your family comes over again?'

'They won't.'

The words are certain, the only thing that's certain about Castiel right now, and Dean believes him. Or believes that alpha believes in it, truly.

'So I wanna go home,' he announces, something he’s wanted to say for the past couple of hours. It doesn't come out whiny or broken like he worried; it comes out stern and proud, and he straightens his back. Castiel looks conflicted, like he's trying to find some words; maybe another apology? But he gives up, nods and leaves the room. Dean puts on his shoes and glances back at the room - orderly, like no one's been there - and goes after him.

Castiel thanks Benny shortly, some tension still between them, and goes outside, expecting Dean to follow him. But Benny stops him on his way.

'It's been a pleasure to meet ya, brother,' he says. 'If you ever want to come over, my door is always open.'

'Thank you, Benny,' Dean replies and the idea of re-visiting the alpha doesn't scare him so much anymore. Nothing bad happened, for once ( _ like alpha promised _ ) and some moments, like seeing the weapon collection, were almost enjoyable.

Alpha's car is at the curb, and he holds Dean's door open until he sits down. Dean tries to catch his gaze, to read something from his eyes, but all Castiel does is stubbornly stare at the ground, and then, as he takes his place behind the wheel, ahead. They drive through deserted, quiet streets in the night, under the lamplights, and alpha still won't say anything.

'Alpha?' Dean asks, and it comes out so tiny, he has to clear his throat and try again. Castiel glances at him, concern twisting his features. 'Are the - are the rules working again?'

Castiel's face falls for just a second, but he seems to gather himself together.

'Yes, Dean. I promise - I promise I'll never disregard the rules again, no matter what. I didn't - didn't mean to-' he stops, his hands tightening on the steering wheel. 'Anyway,' he puts on a watery smile that Dean thinks is supposed to be encouraging. 'You were saying?'

'You said - before, you said, that if I feel bad, I gotta tell you, right?'

'Do you feel bad now? Are you hurt?' Castiel stares at him, alarmed, and Dean's glad they're already pulling up to their - alpha's, alpha's house - because he'd be afraid they'd crash.

'No,' Dean replies, as Castiel parks and stops the car. It starts raining slowly, the drops hitting the roof steadily. 'I'm happy you let me come home. But uh, before, when you made me go, I - I wasn't feeling so well.' He hopes it's enough to make alpha realize it's about time to explain everything.

Castiel turns off the ignition.

'Yes, I know,' he says. 'I only realized when - Dean, I promise I had no idea you thought I was sending you away for good, or because you misbehaved, I just - I just didn't think -'

'So it really wasn't cause I was bad?' Dean makes sure, cause yeah, maybe Benny told him, but it's not the same as hearing it from alpha.

'No,' Castiel shakes his head. 'You are perfect. It was me who failed. I just wanted to keep you safe, just for a few hours-'

'I didn't know that,' Dean interrupts him again, words spilling from his mouth. He can't stop them. 'I thought I wasn't coming back until Benny told me it was just for the evening, and you didn't tell me a single thing about your parents and the training center, and-'

'You - Benny told you about the -' Castiel blanches even more than Dean would have thought possible.   


'That's - he had no right. You weren't supposed to find out like that-'

'I was sitting there on his couch, waiting for him to fuck me,' Dean blurts out, staring at his knees. 'I was waiting for him to yell at me that I was being too clingy or too lazy or too nosy with you, and that's why you sent me away. I waited for him to fuckin' - punch me into the ground for whatever, for calling you too late, speaking out of turn, falling asleep on the couch,' he lists off, he wants to shut up but he can't, 'And I would've taken it,' his hands clench into fists, 'I'd've taken it cause I wanted to go back home, I wanted to be good for you, but if you - if only you told me it wasn't about that-'

'Dean, I thought I _ did _ tell you,' Castiel leans forward, speaking vehemently, 'I told you Benny was a good person, that he wasn't going to hurt you, that it was my fault-'

'You also told me you were gonna stop and explain when I say I need help, and I said it!' Dean snaps, turns his head to glare at Castiel, miserable but angry.

_ i need you, _ he said, but he'd rather forget about that. He was just scared, that was all.

But it hurts so much that _ this  _ alpha betrayed him like that, after everything he has promised, even if he is the alpha, even if he has every right, it still hurts, and Dean has no business saying things like these, getting mad, but-

'Well, I panicked, Dean, what else do you want me to say?!' alpha shouts, slapping the steering wheel in frustration, and it's so sudden and loud, Dean jumps and covers himself with his arms. 'I'm only human and yes, I know I ruined it all!!'

Fuck, Dean’s really pissed him off. Alpha's never yelled at him before. Dean's only half-aware that he's shaking like a leaf, plastered to the car door, as far away as he can get. His brain shuts down and he only hears a stream of 'imsorryimsorryimsorry' that he hopes isn't coming out of his mouth. Alpha pants, opens the door, gets out.

'Wait here,' he says, a little quieter, and shuts the door, making Dean jump again. The omega, curled on the seat, watches as the alpha goes inside the house and closes the door.   


Has he been left alone... again? Bitter disappointment, far stronger than fear, overcomes Dean. He's cold here, but he doesn't think he's allowed to go back home, staying in the car is probably his punishment. And boy, does he deserve it - furious or not, he can't just _ yell _ at his alpha.

He was gonna go home, but now he can't have that, either. He stares at the footwell, tears welling up in his eyes. He ruined it again. That's all he's good for. Maybe if he’d waited, alpha would've told him everything, and now-

The door on his side opens and he flinches away. It's alpha, soaking wet from the rain that has turned into a full-blown storm now, and he's opening an umbrella with trembling hands.

'I'm sorry I yelled,' he says, looking anywhere but at Dean. 'I'm sorry, Dean, come on. When we come inside, I'll explain everything. Just don't get wet, I don't want you to get sick again.'

Dean takes in the defeated slump to his shoulders, the shaking, drenched frame. The umbrella is for him. Alpha stormed away to the house not to leave him, not cause he got mad, but so that he could bring him the umbrella, so Dean wouldn't walk in the rain.

Dean gets out and gingerly takes the umbrella from him. They walk to the house side by side, and Dean tips the umbrella just a bit so that it shields alpha from the rain as well.

The inside smells right as soon as he steps in, smells like home. Dean takes off his shoes and waits as alpha peels off his soaked layers of clothes until he's left in a T-shirt and boxers. Dean thinks he's gonna go look for pants right away, but instead, alpha gently steers him towards the couch with a hand in the small of his back - the touch barely-there - and makes him sit down and wraps him in a blanket. Dean tucks himself in, only then realizing that he's still shaking, he's been shaking all damn evening, how does he even have any energy left for that?

'Are you hungry? Do you want a drink?' alpha asks timidly.

'No, alpha,' Dean shakes his head.

'I'll be right back.'

Dean waits, trying not to think about anything, just enjoying the view of the room. He can't see any hints as to what passed when he was gone; no dirty dishes, no used glasses, not even a suggestion that someone was here. He thought he might never see this room again. Being back here is already a win.

Alpha comes back. It's weird to see him like this, so... so broken, so apologetic. It's in the way he carries himself, but also in his scent; it's sad, yes, but mostly resigned. He sits down on the couch too, but keeps his distance - they sit on the opposite ends, and he turns so that he's facing Dean.

'So, just, first of all, I-' he hesitates. 'I want you to know that I - I just wanted to protect you today. And - after what I'll tell you, I don't think you will want to live with me anymore, so I want you to know that before I - before I start.'

That doesn't sound optimistic at all. Maybe alpha really did do something horrible, something unforgivable. But Dean thinks about being returned to the center - he thinks about the inspection, the quiet days in his tiny room with no window ( _ a cell _ ) and waiting for a new alpha to come claim him. He'd have to wear the stinky rental suit again, stand at the altar, go to the new alpha's house. Then, he'd get fucked, and from then on it'd be another who-knows-how-many years of cringing after making a sound, stuck inside the four walls, cooking and cleaning and servicing. No more music or TV or cuddling, or someone who would listen to him, or someone who wouldn't hit him when he freaked out-

'I wanna live with you,' Dean rushes out before he registers he's speaking. 'I wanna, please, I'll do whatever, I-'

'I told you I'll never make you leave again,' Castiel tells him urgently. 'I want nothing more than for you to stay here, Dean. But I have - I have done some things in the past.'

'We all did,' Dean says, and means it. 'I don't wanna -  _ please _ don't make me go back to the center. I -' he stops, and swallows, looking at his hands. He doesn't want to do this and it's making him tear up, but he wants to stay more than he wants to find out the truth. 'You - you don't have to tell me. If it's so hard, you know. I don't have to know. I'll be okay, it's your business anyway, I'm just an omega - if you think I'll freak out or whatever, you can just not tell me. I just wanna stay here.'

It's so pathetic, and he curls in on himself. He's not scared of alpha, he's just ashamed of what he's become. He's willing to let this man - his  _ husband _ \- keep his nasty, omega-abusive (?) past a secret, just cause he's a sucker for soft blankets, Castiel's gummy smile and body heat that doesn't mean pain, doesn't mean being used, but means comfort instead. Can he really turn a blind eye on whatever happened before, can he trust alpha again? He doesn't think so, not with the ever-present elephant in the room, but this is still a hundred times better than being passed on to another alpha.

'I would never send you back to the center, if you wanted to leave,' Castiel says, and it sounds angry. 'I know I have betrayed your trust, but I hope you still know I would never hurt you, Dean. We'd find a new, better alpha - someone you would approve of, and we'd make sure he'd be really good, and then I'd handle the... legal side of things at the center. It would never be random. I meant it when I said I will keep you safe.'

'Okay,' Dean says, relaxing a little. That's better, but he still feels distaste at the thought of being with another alpha, even someone as nice as Benny. They could be good, but they'd never be Castiel, and that's when Dean truly realizes just how much trouble he's in. Is this what a crush feels like? Not to mention, worst possible moment for developing one, ever.

'Not that I want to find a new alpha,' Castiel adds quickly, and ducks his head. 'I want to - I want things to be the way they were before tonight's events. But I will explain all of it to you, Dean, you deserve the whole truth. And if you decide to leave, then, well, I will respect your decision.' The words sound hopeless, just like Castiel looks.

Dean dreads what he's going to hear, but there's no going back. Alpha raises his head and looks at him, and Dean nods.

'Well, then, I think I should start at the beginning,' he says in the heavy silence, punctuated by the rain. 'You already know my parents founded an omega training center. My father was the man behind the operation. He and I were... close, I suppose, but he was very enigmatic, so I might be entirely wrong about who he was as a person.'

'Was?' Dean asks quietly, pulling the blanket tighter around himself.

'Yes, he's, he's dead,' Castiel tells him, his voice breaking. 'Uh,' he wipes his eyes, lets out a weak, sad chuckle. 'They told me on the phone. That's why I was - like that. He's been dead for three years.'

'I'm sorry.' Three years? Dean has so many questions, but for once he hangs onto his training and stays quiet after that.

Castiel waves him off, eyes down.

'You might change your mind about that,' he replies. 'From the beginning, though. Father built a fully functioning center, at first, but then it became a chain, and he just grew richer - it became quite an empire. Our family was very prosperous. We had an enormous villa and maids and personal tutors. My mother, she was always obsessed with keeping up our appearance; she organized endless banquets and continuously plotted to elevate our position in society. More often than not it involved bribes and petty blackmail - nothing serious, just one rich family trying to outrank the other in the most trivial ways. I rarely spoke to mother at all, and when I did, I was met with cold indifference. I had five brothers and one sister -'  _ wow, _ Dean thinks, '- and I have not gotten along with most of them. Since birth, we were trained in etiquette, prepared to join father in his work as we grew older, inherit the company. My elder brothers - Michael, Luke, Uriel, Gadreel - they all enjoyed spending time at the center.'

_ I bet, _ Dean thinks bitterly.

'Were you all alphas?' he asks, because there's a pause.

'Yes. All of us - except for Gabriel. And that should have raised all the red flags, but I was a child and it didn't.'

'How do you mean?'

'I mean, Gabriel presented as an omega,' Castiel looks at Dean for the first time during his story. 'And he vanished the next day.'

Dean stares at him, slack-jawed.

'They killed him?' he whispers, and holy shit, maybe that family really is fucked up beyond belief -

'No!' Castiel protests quickly. 'No, he's alive, he's the only person I still talk to, where family is concerned. They sent him away. Bought him an apartment, left him money, enough to get by, and continued to send it. He was sixteen. It was like - like a prison. He spent those years in solitude, and his family had abandoned him because his designation was - it was a disgrace. He was erased from our life. Mother told us he had run away, and that was it. No one ever spoke of him again. I was only eleven at the time, and I thought escaping was very much in Gabriel's style. Of course, I only learnt what a hardship it was to survive on his own years later, when we met, and when I knew the truth.'

Dean nods for him to go on when he hesitates.

'You must understand I never knew what was going on, not really,' Castiel continues slowly. 'Father tried to invite me to the company, to show me the ropes, but with my brothers all over the place, I preferred to stay at home. I discovered I liked programming, and I immersed myself in it. Father found a workaround to keep me in the family business - he told me I could manage the computers once they were introduced to the Center. As for the Center itself, I didn't know what was happening there. I assumed - I thought my father was a genius of sorts,' he stops to glance at Dean, an apology written all over his face. 'All the omegas I'd seen from time to time came to the Center miserable, crying, terrified and they came out calm and subdued. I thought my father was doing good work - all the alphas around me praised him, he was on the cover of a business magazine. Everyone taught me that omegas needed a tough hand to guide them. They couldn't live on their own but sometimes they got lost, didn't know how to get used to orders, so they needed a push in the right direction - and the next time I saw them, their alphas were happy and the omegas were obeying them without a fuss.'

'That's usually how it goes,' Dean whispers.

'Have you been to the training center?'

'No, Alastair trained me on his own,' Dean replies, hanging his head. 'But, uh, the punishment center? Wasn't much better. Enhancing submissiveness, right?'

Castiel startles and something changes in his face, like what Dean said was familiar and horrible at the same time.

'Ten lashes for running away,' he says woodenly, and the emotionless voice shocks Dean. He's never seen alpha like that.

'They held me underwater for running,' Dean reveals, and instantly remembers. Strong hands pushing his head under the surface. Cold, freezing water. The pressure on his neck, the panic. The burning of his lungs, his sinuses whenever he got pulled back up, coughing, gasping for breath, and the alpha in charge, 'What do you say?' and Dean's foolish words, wheezing, 'Fuck you,' and the alpha, relentless, 'Again'. During the third visit, they only had to dunk him once before he was spewing apologies, his body spasming against his will to get away from the tub right when he saw it. He promised he'd never run again and he didn't. Alastair was so pleased. 'Must've upgraded, huh?'

Castiel looks sick and for a moment, Dean thinks he's going to hug him or something, but he leans back, like he decides it wouldn't be best.

'I didn't know,' he replies, strongly. 'I never participated in anything, if that's - if that matters. All I did know was that father was helping omegas be better. I helped him keep the books sometimes, but it was just names and dates and money. I've never heard screams, I've never seen wounds, and mostly I kept away. It all changed when I was - when I was sixteen. That was the turning point for me, Dean, and that was when I - I ruined someone, and I -'

He fights to get the words out.

'One day, I was reading out in the field and coming back with a book under my arm. I don't remember what I was reading, but I remember everything else so clearly,' he starts trembling, wraps his arms around himself. 'I - there was an omega, in his late twenties, I think. He ran right into me, he didn't see me, he was looking back like someone was chasing him. He looked horrible - it was obvious he had been abused, he had a broken arm and scratches everywhere, and a black eye, and dried blood all over his face. I'd never seen someone so scared, before,-'

_ \- before, cause now you've seen me _ , Dean thinks, resentful-

'- And I was frozen. He grabbed me by the arm and begged me to help him.

_ Did your alpha do this to you? _ I asked then, and he said, I remember to this day, he said,  _ I can't take it anymore. You have to help me, I have to run away from here. _

And of course, I was going to. I was... I was horrified. No alpha I knew had ever treated their omega like that. I knew they had to be kept in line, sometimes, but all I had experienced was a slap at worst, some warning words most of the time. Only later I understood it was because I did not leave the small world my parents had created - carefully chosen wealthy acquaintances, with well-trained omegas. I did not even know the omega's name, but he told me he’d heard about a safe house in Canada, and if we could get him to the border in any way, he'd manage later on.'

Dean's listening, appalled but needing to know nonetheless, feeling like his alpha is a complete stranger. All these secrets... all this time they've been together, all the omega talks they had and alpha's not told him about any of this. He has an idea that he's not going to like what he hears next.

'I should have taken him to Canada, then. We had money - I should've arranged for someone from the outside to come over and drive him there. Or maybe I should've given him the money and sent him away. Anything would've been better than what I did. But he told me how long it had taken him to get there, how he ran almost all the way to escape and I just didn't know how - I- I went to seek my father for help. I wasn't sure how to proceed, that omega was telling me that all alphas treated their omegas like that, and I just couldn't fathom that, and then - then I didn't know what to do, how to get him to the border, what would be safe - so I went to search for someone. I wanted father, but he was busy as always, Mike said. Mike told me he would take care of it. I described the situation to him, I was - I was shaken and stuttering and God, if only I weren't maybe I could've seen just how much of a monster he was, that he was  _ amused _ \- but I didn't, God help me I didn't, and Mike brought a truck around with two of dad's men and Luke. And the omega, he was thanking me all the time, cause I told him it was gonna be okay. We rode in the back of the van, Mike assured me he knew a safe place - and so we drove. It took two hours, and in the meantime, I tended to the omega's wounds as best as I could. I told him, I, I, I-'

Tears run down Castiel's face and he wipes them but they keep coming, and his face scrunches up in a sob. Dean sits close to him, but still too far, rooted to the spot, anxiously waiting for the rest of the story but not wanting to hear it all the same.

'God, Dean, I told him I was going to keep him s-safe,' Castiel sobs into his hands. 'I - he  _ believed  _ me. I already thought about everything I was going to have to tell father, because surely he didn't know that alphas abused their omegas, God, I was so naive - and when we, when we stopped, I'll never forget - I'll never forget the way he looked, looked at me, when the door opened and he saw that we were - in front of his house, and his alpha stood there, waiting, furious, and he - I thought he was going to die there, and when I understood I yelled at Mike, I was - I was terrified, I kept yelling at him, but the omega, he didn't - didn't hear me, he was, he looked at me and he said - I'll never forget, he said, _ you promised you'd keep me safe  _ and then he, he grabbed me and kept saying that he'd kill himself, that he wouldn’t go back but Mike wrenched him away from me and - and he passed out and I - I - I, Mike kicked him out of the van and I kept screaming that I was sorry but he couldn't hear me and - his alpha came over and gave Mike - he gave Mike -'

Castiel stops, because he's sobbing too much to speak, his face hidden in his hands, his body wracked by the force of his crying. Dean's head is spinning. He doesn't know what to say.

'A big roll of money,' Castiel whispers. 'Money, it's always about the m-money. They - we drove away, with Luke holding me down and Mike wearing that smirk of his that I - I can't understand how can someone - he was so scared, Dean, and I wanted to help, but it was all my fault, and his face - I'll never-'

He presses his wrist to his eyes for a moment and goes silent. Dean stares at him. No alpha's ever cried like that, next to him. No alpha's ever been this moved about something bad happening to an omega. But Dean - he can kind of understand - his Castiel, who was so hell-bent on never hurting him, his Castiel who didn't want to speak of his brothers and the look on his face a couple of hours ago - his face, his cold behavior when Dean said _ you said you'll protect me _ or something similar, and hell, bulls-eye. No wonder that triggered him.

Dean tries to hold onto any shred of logic he has left and  _ not _ blindly believe everything he hears - alpha could very well be lying, but why? If he'd been hurting omegas with his father, he could've just said so from the start, he could've hurt Dean however he wanted and no one would've protested. Dean wants to play safe, but he just can't imagine Castiel wanting to hurt anyone. Not after the days they've spent together. Besides, it would be hard to fake this level of despair. He smells so... guilty, too. If this is the reason why he avoided omegas for years -

'After that, I raised hell in my house,' Castiel's voice startles Dean who was lost in his thoughts, processing everything. 'I demanded that something be done about the... incident, but my brothers wouldn't share the location we'd been to, nor the alpha's name. I begged mother to force them to, but she told me I was being ridiculous. They all thought it would be forgotten soon, but it wasn't, I refused to speak to any of them, I told them I would have nothing to do with them. My father - my father seemed concerned, at first. He spoke to my brothers, scolded them, but I overheard him saying that I was  _ fragile _ and they should've  _ handled that better. _ My sister Anna was the only one who took my side and really listened to me. But it didn’t help, nothing had changed. To me, that was the biggest proof that the omega had been right - that this kind of abusive behavior was acceptable. Afterwards, I knew I had to get away. But I had no money and I refused to use my parents', not after I found out how it was made. It took me two more years until I was of age. All that time, I barely spoke to my family. My father was the only one who was bothered. He visited me a couple of times and tried to coax me out of my room. At first he was nice, then he was annoyed and angry, but after some time, he was... ready to listen. And I told him, and he asked me to come to work with him, to see the omegas. I didn't want to. The idea that unspeakable abuse could have been happening on my own property, all that time -' Castiel sighs, and looks ahead, shaking his head.

Dean doesn't know what he's seeing - the huge manor he lived in? His fucked up family? His father, who was "ready to listen"? Dean wonders which training center is the one Castiel's family founded. He can't remember ever hearing about a Novak Training Center.

'In the end, I found work at a small shop in the town nearby. My family was disgusted, of course, but I didn't mind. I was able to earn enough money to secure myself a way out of the estate. By the time I turned 18, though, my parents had a nasty surprise ready,' his face twists into something bitter. 'I was given an omega.'

'Oh,' Dean says, uneasy. There's a moment of silence. 'I thought you didn't ever... you know? Not with omegas?'

'I didn't,' Castiel confirms. 'And that was the problem. Her name was Beth - she was the daughter of one of mother's acquaintances. We were promised to each other, and I was supposed to mate her in the following weeks. I told my parents there would be no wedding, no mating - but they just exchanged that - that look,' Castiel clenches his fists and the smell of anger makes its way through the room. 'Like they knew I'd be just like any other abusive alpha once a young, pretty omega comes closer. And she was pretty, Dean, she was very attractive, but she was - I, I don't know, she was confusing. Once we met, I immediately assumed she was being forced to do it - of course she couldn't have wanted to mate someone she didn't even know? But she was very... insistent. I told her I wouldn't touch her, asked her if she was hurt, if she needed help escaping, but she treated me like I was crazy to think that. She tried to... seduce me,' he admits, swallowing hard, like it's something so shameful, it's hard to talk about. 'And I got aroused on occasion, I had thoughts-'

'Wow, that's -' Dean interrupts him. 'That's alright, alpha, that's like, a normal thing.' This isn't confession, he wants to add, but for some reason it feels like that's _ exactly  _ what it is. Dean wonders if this involuntary seduction is why alpha's so weird about sex sometimes.

'No, I have to tell you this, Dean, I  _ never  _ acted on it. I never touched Beth, and I thought she must have been brainwashed, after what I had experienced with the hurt omega, with the omegas at the center that were constantly 'corrected', after Gabriel, who was sent away. I did ask about his location, but no one would tell me, it was as easy as that for them. But I was wrong. Once she realized I really wasn't going to touch her, she called me - dysfunctional, she called me a - a knotless dick, I believe -' the insults are dumb but it's clear they got to Castiel if he remembers them after all those years, Dean thinks. 'And I think she really wanted that. All of it. Being the traditional omega. She wasn't cowed, or scared, she just wanted to fit every stereotype I'd heard before. It came naturally to her, wanting to clean and cook and please the alpha and I was... so confused. If omegas really were like everyone taught us, why did we need to correct them? Why did the one that tried to escape seem so different? Was it all a lie, or not?'

He leans forward and runs a hand down his face. Dean sits there in silence. He doesn't think alpha's done, but he feels so uncomfortable, not sure what to say, where to start, so he just stares at him openly.

'I thought omegas were forced to behave the "traditional" way,' Castiel finally continues. 'I wanted to help Beth, I refused to mate her to satisfy our parents' arrangement, but I only ended up hurting her. I was avoiding her most of the time, and I know she started flirting with Mike - but my parents weren't happy. I think father knew I was getting ready to leave, and he wanted to stop me by using her - I'm not sure. All I know is that the next time I saw Beth, she had lashes on her back that she tried to cover, and she was not the same bright omega that she had been before. She was... so furious with me. She said it was all my fault, that she did everything she could but I was a...' he trails off and chuckles, but there's nothing amused in it.

'A what?' Dean prompts quietly.

'A "frigid bitch",' Castiel glances at him, smelling of shame and frustration. 'When I went to talk to mother, she said that Beth did not please her alpha properly, and had to be punished. I told her it was all my fault, but to no avail. I knew it was another manipulation - they knew I couldn't stand omegas being hurt and decided to use it to force me to stay with Beth, stay in the house. I don't know why they bothered - I suppose it had to be father. For some reason he wanted me to be his partner in the company. Perhaps he really did have a soft spot for me,' Castiel sighs. 'Either way, I said I was leaving for good. I think mother was pleased. Beth asked Mike to mate her, instead, and he did so, in front of my eyes, as soon as I announced that I was resigning from being part of the family. They laughed at how serious I was, they mocked me and told me I'd run back in no time with my tail between my legs. I left - I couldn't stand to watch their - their mating,' Castiel blushes faintly. 'It was very... explicit. But, uh, at least I am convinced Beth enjoyed it thoroughly.'

Dean can understand more and more, listening to alpha's story; he kind of gets why Castiel doesn't think he can get along with omegas. Also the things that Beth called him... Dean knows it's ancient history, but it makes his blood boil. The bitch didn't appreciate that Castiel was so nice to her, that he didn't treat her like an object... Well, good riddance, have tons of fun with douche Mike. Dean can appreciate his gentle alpha just fine.

'I left the following night,' Castiel reveals, flexing his fingers nervously. 'I wasn't able to do much, but I went to the center and freed some omegas that were there overnight. Most of them did not want to leave with me, they were too scared. I only managed to reach some cells, not all of them, because I was - I was scared of being caught.' He sounds so ashamed, Dean trembles in his seat with how much he wants to come over and hug alpha. 'I took one of the trucks and drove away, with them in the back. There were just six of them, and I drove them to the Canadian border. They were all willing to take their chances, look for the safe house, wherever it might've been. That's how I found out about some of the rules like the - the lashes. I left them some money and warmer clothes that I took from the house, and that was it. I left and I never - I never looked back. Or at least, I tried to. I spent quite some time living here and there, working some odd jobs. I changed my name, in case they wanted to find me after I stole the omegas. I,' he laughs for the first time, and it's a little tearful, but it's a good kind of laugh. 'I managed to destroy some of the Shurley Center reputation. It was in the papers, a breach of security, they called it, and my family had to pay a lot of money to the alphas whose omegas disappeared.'

'Shurley Center?' Dean questions. He's never heard of it either. 'Shurley, that's - that's your - I mean, our - real last name?'

'No, Dean,' Castiel meets his eyes sternly and shakes his head. 'Our name is Novak. Yes, I came up with it on my own, but it is everything I have been since I left, and it's the only name that matters.'

'Okay,' Dean nods. He likes it. He likes the ultimate fuck you alpha showed his family, cutting himself off completely, he loves the number he'd done on them with freeing the omegas, but most of all, he feels proud to know that his alpha has never been a bad person. He never abused anyone like he feared, he was just manipulated and raised in a cruel family and he  _ tried  _ to be good, he kept trying. Dean can't even imagine - he'd never even questioned the things dad made him do cause he trusted him, cause he believed him, and the idea that he might've taken a stand, believed in his own view of things so much that he would've disobeyed  _ dad _ ... He's not that strong. And he's still sure dad was good, that he was trying to do a good thing, but if he wasn't... Dean doesn't think he would've been able to turn his back on his entire family, to ditch dad and Sammy. But then again, Castiel didn't even have that. He didn't have a family that gave a damn, maybe except for his dad, but boy, he had a funny way of showing it.

'Eventually, I met Amelia,' Castiel goes on. 'She was a widowed beta with a tiny child, Claire, and needed an alpha around to get child benefits. I pretended to be her partner for about two years. Those were the best years of my life - up until now,' he looks at Dean again, and Dean drops his gaze. 'I volunteered at the bee farm. I allowed myself to - forget the past, a little, to completely ignore it, but - it only worked for so long.' A sad smile appears on his face. 'The thing that made me leave again was so silly-'

He stops, as if hesitating between changing the topic and continuing, but glances at Dean, and Dean looks at him and nods.

'Tell me?' he asks, but quietly, just in case alpha doesn't wanna. He is curious, though. He's curious about it all. He supposes it shouldn't be so surprising that alpha has a complicated past, they didn't know each other for nearly forty years and that's a long time for a lot of baggage to accumulate. But it still shocks him just how much Castiel has been through. How much Dean had no idea about.

'The Lion King,' Castiel says, and hunches his shoulders - like he expects Dean  _ (Dean) _ to laugh at him - and explains: 'I went to see it with Amelia and Claire. I think it was a useless way to entertain her, the toddler did not understand anything, but there was that scene - where the older lion tells his child that he's going to inherit the land. It is stupid, I - I know, but it reminded me of my father. Of how he promised me I'd inherit the Center. I - I know it's such a ridiculous reaction, but I couldn't, ah, get myself under control. I had to leave to the bathroom and do the breathing exercises I tried to teach you -' he stops himself, like he realizes he's been oversharing, and hangs his head. Chuckles, embarrassed, and runs a shaking hand down his face.

'I don't think it's stupid,' Dean says, and the force of it startles him. 'It's not stupid, alpha.'

Alpha looks up at him, and he seems surprised.

'Alri-'

'It's not stupid,' Dean repeats. It's important. He doesn't know why, but it is. 'They hurt you. You didn't deserve that.'

'Aren't you listening?' Castiel makes a frustrated gesture with his hands and raises his voice, making Dean flinch. 'It was me. I hurt omegas. That first omega, I can't even imagine, he ran away and I  _ brought him back  _ to his abuser, all the while lying to him! He could be dead because of me! And then when I thought I had it figured out, I hurt Beth, too! And then I tried to make up for it but I was just a coward, couldn't even rescue all the omegas my own family was keeping captive!'

'No-' Dean starts, but Castiel doesn't let him finish, too riled up.

'I'm a horrible person, Dean, and I was scared to tell you,' he starts shaking again, shakes so much Dean thinks he can feel the whole couch shake with him. 'I made so many mistakes, and I promised myself I’d never hurt any omega  _ again _ . I avoided them, I tried not to think of them, I was scared to talk to them in case I misunderstood and ended up hurting them again. I focused on work, I focused on everyday life, I moved here and I've lived here ever since and when I received the letter, when I found out I had to marry you, I - I didn't want that!'

He's yelling now, and Dean recoils from it like from a blow.

'Oh,' he says, feeling like Castiel stomped on his heart. But that's okay, he’d thought alpha didn't want him around too, it showed, so why is he disappointed to hear that? 'Sorry.'

_ 'Please  _ don't be, it wasn't about you, Dean,' Castiel goes on, lowering his voice, 'I was just...  so scared I was going to hurt you. And I  _ have _ , eventually, I didn't - I couldn't think tonight, I couldn't realize you were so scared, I-'

'What happened?' Dean asks, mostly to stop him from rubbing in his face how scared he always is. He knows that, and technically he knows he has reasons, but it makes him feel pathetic. 'Tonight, when your - your family came over?'

Castiel casts a miserable glance at him and tells him. Dean listens. Having a family like alpha's, who tried to declare him dead just to get his money... that didn't care about him, not even to tell him that his dad died... and Castiel turned it all down, all the money he could've taken from them, just cause-

'They would've hurt you,' Castiel explains. 'They brought a - a cage - for you. I'm so sorry, Dean. And I knew that even if we got there, to the mansion, it would've been - Mike or Luke or whoever else was there, they would've assaulted you, at the very least out of revenge. And that's not acceptable, not for any amount of money.'

'But - just cause of me?' Dean asks weakly, trying to wrap his head around it. 'Me?'

'You're  _ my mate, _ ' Castiel reminds him. 'My husband. Every time I say I won't let you get hurt, I mean it.'

'But that's like... so much money,' Dean whispers, looking down at his fingers. 'And the letter, and the center, I-'

'I do wish I could read the letter. I wonder what father wanted to tell me. And the center, I - I might be able to shut it down, but it would be years of relentless fights with my brothers, and even if it did work out, it's just one center. Not a very successful one nowadays, I think. All the other chains - it wouldn't influence them, or the way the world works, and I just - I don't want the rest of my life to be a fight, Dean. I want it to be with -'

He draws a big breath and slumps in his seat, looks drained, but the next words that leave his mouth are rushed, like he was holding them in for a long, long time.

'You know, once I finally thought that I found happiness with you and I was able to give you something good, then - then they just come here like the whole world belongs to them, like they can destroy anything I've ever built!' he starts crying again, fuck, can he finally stop crying, Dean's heart is breaking, 'And I know I've done something horrible but I had t-to keep going somehow and I kept hoping that maybe - maybe if I stay away, maybe if I become everything my family is not, I'll be able to turn into an acceptable human being-'

Jesus _ Christ _ , Dean thinks, acceptable? He's been a freaking saint to him. But he can't get a word in, is worried about saying the wrong thing, anyway.

'- and I was fine with the solitude, I deserved it, but then... then I met you,' Castiel looks straight at Dean, his blue eyes shining with tears and the scent of despair hard to handle. 'And at first I just wanted to stay away, I was furious, I didn't want to mate an omega that I couldn' t understand, that I could only hurt further. You were so scared and I constantly felt like I was... like before, even though I was maintaining my distance to help you feel safe. But then... you helped me understand how to proceed, and I found that I enjoy your company so much, and our bond, and I just... I couldn't tell you, Dean, I didn't want to ruin what we had. I thought it was in the past and I could tell you later, if you trusted me then, because what we had was... it was fragile, and I just, I'm selfish but I just wanted it, just, me and y-you.'

Holy shit, Dean thinks, did he rehearse that or what? His own eyes are tearing up and he wipes a hand over his face, and Castiel hides his face in his hands and lets out such gut-wrenching sobs, Dean can't take it anymore. He gets up and comes over.

'I'm s-sorry, I'm so selfish but I - I w-want you to s-stay,' Castiel cries. 'I- I-'

Dean stands in front of him, not sure what to do, just inches away from alpha.

'It's okay,' he says, his voice shaky. He's never been in a position like this; comforting an alpha, and he's still a little, irrationally scared that Castiel will lash out. But suddenly, alpha lurches forward and burrows his head into Dean's stomach, wraps his hands around him. It reminds Dean of the way he tried to keep alpha around in bed, when he had a nightmare, like he just didn't want to let him get away, ever.

'Please don't go,' Castiel whispers. He's getting Dean's shirt all wet. He's warm, and Dean slowly hugs and cradles alpha's head, fingers combing clumsily through his dark hair. He doesn't know how to offer comfort, but for alpha, he wants to try.

'I'm not goin' anywhere,' he promises.

Castiel cries some more, but then shakes his head.

'No, you have to,' he pulls back, sounding like he's trying to convince himself. Clears his throat, visibly tries to get himself together. 'You've heard me. I've done bad - bad things-'

'Wasn't your fault,' Dean says. Castiel shakes his head.

'Don't say that,' he protests. 'I will never forgive myself. I-'

'You were a kid, and you didn't drive him there, you wanted to help-'

'No, I was sixteen. And it was me who went looking for father or Michael. I should've known - deep down I knew that he was twisted, but I was - it was one of those moments where you decide not to do something because you're too lazy to figure it out, you want someone else to take the responsibility. That's exactly what I did.'

'I still think-'

'Please don't try to - excuse that,' Castiel says. 'I didn't share all of this looking for pity or - or forgiveness. I know my faults, Dean. I only told you because I think you deserve to know who I really am.'

Dean doesn't think it's fair. Alpha carries the burdens of people who don't give a shit about the way they hurt omegas; there's a whole world of people out there who do things like Mike, Luke, Castiel's parents, and no one has second thoughts about it. Castiel does. And with how his family treated him, it's a wonder he stayed sane and stuck to his principles. But also - he's right. It was his choice to go look for his brother, and Dean kinda gets it.

He remembers the time when dad told him to look after Sammy, and it was days on end stuck in the motel room, so he got fed up and left to play some arcade game. Wasn't even far, but when he came back, someone was inside. Some guy was leaning over Sammy, like he was gonna whisper in his ear, and Dean had no idea what was going on but he grabbed the shotgun dad left him, only he couldn't pull the trigger. He was scared. Dad came in, then, saved the day - and Sammy - and the intruder, whoever he was, ran off, but dad could never really trust Dean after that. And Dean knew, even after all these years, that yeah, he was a kid, yeah, it was dad who was supposed to protect them from bad things, not a nine-year-old - but... it was Dean who decided to go out that day, just cause he was bored. It was Dean who was the older brother, and was responsible for Sammy, whether dad told him that or not. Just the way the world works. So he kind of understands what Castiel means.

'Okay,' he replies, then. Castiel looks up, surprised, but in a good way. He stares at Dean for a moment and then they lapse into an uncomfortable silence.

'Do you think he died?' alpha blurts out, finally, and it sounds so helpless, somehow Dean thinks he never asked this out loud.

'I don't know,' Dean tells him, cause he thinks he shouldn't lie. 'But I know I wouldn't have killed myself, if I was him. He tried to run, you know, and that means he wanted to live. I think you really learn to appreciate life every time someone beats you up so bad you can't move. You only get depressed in between.'

Castiel looks down, clenches his fists and starts to smell angry, so Dean quickly continues:

'I think he kept running, that's what I think,' he rubs his forearm with the other, a little nervous. 'And maybe he got away. They had it so much easier, before. No chips. I ran three times, got caught every time.'

'Yes, I assumed it did not go well, with the drowning punishment and - Jesus, Dean,' Castiel huffs. 'I - may I -'

'Yeah?'

'May I embrace you?'

Dean nods and alpha instantly tugs him down and makes him sit down, and wraps his arms around him. Castiel sighs like a huge weight has been lifted off his chest, and inhales Dean's scent. His own turns calmer in return.

'I'm sorry,' he says again. Dean's never had an alpha apologize to him once in his entire life, but it seems like Castiel can't stop doing it. 'I fucked up.'

The words sound so funny coming from him, like always, and Dean can't help a tiny smile. He gradually relaxes in alpha's arms. It feels so good to be close to him, it feels like it's where he should be.

'You can choose whatever you want to do now, Dean, and you'll have it. I just ask you to know that I tried to protect you. Dismally, perhaps, but it was so hard to let you go, and I had to hurry.'

Dean's brain halts after the first sentence. Whatever he wants to do? Hasn't he just said it?

'I want to stay here, with you,' he replies instantly. 'Please,' he adds for good measure.

'Are you sure it's what you want? Even after everything you've heard, you'd... give me a second chance?' Castiel asks, and sounds so painfully hopeful, Dean's heart aches with it.

'I don't care where you've been, alpha,' he assures him. 'You're here now. And I still-'

_ love you _

' - wanna be here.'

'Alright, good,' Castiel pulls back and his eyes are shining. 'Good, thank you. I - let's make a new rule.'

'Yeah?'

'Wherever we go, we go together. And I don't mean literally everywhere, but - if something major is happening, we won't separate. If you have any issues, any worries, I'll be there for you. With you.'

'Okay,' Dean nods. 'Cool.'

'Would you like to tell me about your time with Benny? Was everything fine? Did he feed you?'

_ i'm not a dog _ , Dean wants to say, but doesn't.

'Yeah, it was good,' he replies instead. 'He was nice.'

Castiel gives him some time and Dean knows he expects him to tell more, but Dean doesn't feel like sharing. He feels like falling asleep and then sleeping for about a week. And he's so happy he's staying, he's light with relief, but as much as he likes alpha and thinks he's the good guy, he can't shake the weird feeling of - loneliness? Betrayal? Sadness? Whatever it is.

And maybe Castiel feels that way too, cause something's not the same.

'Let's go to bed?' he asks, and he sounds tentative.

'Yeah,' Dean nods and gets up. 'Tired.'

'I can -' Castiel pauses, then points to the couch. 'I can sleep here, if you'd prefer to - have the nest to yourself tonight?'

_ Oh, so wherever we go, we sleep apart, now?  _ Dean thinks bitterly, and doesn't know why he's so annoyed, all of a sudden. Alpha's just made that rule, besides, he's already forgotten the rules once tonight; besides, he's just asking, Dean's blowing the whole thing out of proportion.

'No, we can go together,' he replies, and Castiel visibly sags in relief and gets up, and they go upstairs. They don't cuddle. They sleep side by side, and whatever it is between them, Dean doesn't have a name for it, but it feels heavier with every minute and makes him feel uneasy. He falls asleep assuring himself that it'll fade, that when he wakes up, things will be okay.   
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> there you have it - cas's past! this was a big chapter, so thanks for reading & i hope most of your questions were answered. i know it's been a while (this chapter was a nightmare :) but this plot that sat in my head for the past... months, i finally got it out, so it feels good) but dean and cas can finally try to put this incident behind them... or will they? ;) tell me what you think, are you satisfied with the answers! thanks for all the support, as always!!


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> timeline: day 11 (05/07). not beta'd, so we're back to the 'sorry for any embarrassing mistakes' thing.

Dean dreams.

Castiel takes him to a restaurant, but it's not as fancy as Blue Moon. It's pretty regular as far as restaurants go, and that's good, the atmosphere is relaxed and Dean's smiling, cause alpha's holding his hand and things feel better again. They sit down, and Dean gets a little nervous, cause there's a lot of alphas everywhere, drinking beers and laughing loudly, and they seem to be checking him out. He touches the collar, and it's there, of course it is. Castiel grabs his hand under the table and squeezes it, and gives him an encouraging smile. Dean returns it.

'May I order for you?' Castiel asks, a little shy. 'I want to surprise you.'

'Sure,' Dean's smile grows wider. He loves going out with alpha. The place has nice decor, too, a lot of album covers hanging on the walls, and Dean entertains himself by guessing all the titles, while Castiel's ordering their food. He hopes for a burger, but alpha knows him, he probably picked something great.

Dean starts to relax in his seat, but then, something changes. It's like a weird shift in the air; everything grows just a tad more frantic and it's unsettling. The waiter puts a plate in front of him, and it's hidden underneath a shiny, silver dish cover. That's not right, can't be his order; that was too fast. Dean turns around, confused, frowning, but then, he looks at alpha, and Castiel doesn't seem surprised.

'Come on, Dean, take a look,' he tells him with a wide smile, and Dean doesn't like it. It feels bad, something's wrong, but he doesn't know  _ what _ , the sounds grow louder, some alpha laughs so close to him, he flinches. 'Open it, Dean,' alpha urges, 'Open it.'

His voice sounds low, sounds menacing, and Dean's hands are shaking as he picks up the cover.

A puff of steam is released when it falls from Dean's hands and clatters on the floor; there's a collar on his plate. It's cut into pieces and cooked, and he stares at it, dumbfounded, looks up at alpha, who still wears that too-wide smile, his teeth gleaming, and no, that's  _ Alastair's _ smile, that's what he does when he stands in the corner or next to the bed and -

'W-what's t-that?' Dean stutters, but he knows, deep down he knows. His hands go to his throat and the collar's gone, it's  _ his _ collar that's cooked, and he claws at his neck,  _ how did this happen, _ and Castiel laughs out loud, it's deep and throaty. His eyes shine with some weird gold light and Dean looks around in pure panic. An eerie silence falls.

'Help,' Dean whispers, nails scratching his neck, looking for the protection that's not there.

All the alphas turn their heads at the same time, and stare at him. Their faces look like they're split apart by their unnatural smiles. He can't breathe, he can't breathe, their eyes glow gold too, and Dean opens his mouth to scream, he has just one second before they pounce but he already knows it's over, he already knows what's gonna happen and he won't escape -

He wakes up, loudly gasping for air. Sits up. The blankets are all sweaty and so is he, his shirt is drenched, his hair sticks to his forehead. It's light outside, in their bedroom, but alpha's not next to him. He can hear some faint sounds coming from downstairs, the TV or the radio. He looks around the bedroom and tries to breathe, and wipes a hand over his face. His fingers are wet. He frowns and looks down at them, and there's blood.

'Fuck,' he whispers, his voice hoarse. 'Fuck,' he repeats weakly, rests his head on his bent knees. Hell of a way to wake up.

He quietly makes it to the bathroom and looks in the mirror. His entire neck is covered in scratches, but two of them are actual gashes and they bleed a little. He has no idea how he managed to do that asleep, with his short-clipped nails, but he did. He just  _ loves _ that he's now adding a little unconscious self-harm to the mix.

He takes a shower, throws his shirt in the wash, irritated. How is he gonna explain his ruined neck to Castiel, now? Poor, weak Dean, who can't stand a night away cause he thinks everyone's out to get him, dumb Dean who makes a scene when alpha actually tries to send him away to help him, scared, terrified baby Dean who can't go one night without freaking out. He looks in the mirror and hates it, hates his pale, sunken face, hates his too-thin body covered in scars, a long one here from a broken bottle, a white circle there from Alastair's friend's cigarette, a series of lines from the knife... a burn on his arm that's still tender even after all this time, and Alastair knew and liked to dig his fingers into it... Dean touches it now, traces it even as it itches unpleasantly, remembering a different life. How can Castiel enjoy this, enjoy him, he has no idea.

But Castiel does. He said so. Dean dries himself with a fluffy tower - they're so soft, and he indulges in it. It's the little things. The warm, high-quality duvet and the heavy blankets, the bar of soap that smells so exotic but cool, the tiles in the kitchen that make a funny pattern once Dean stares; the fact that he's wondering  _ what _ should he wear today, cause he has an actual choice, he has more than one set of clothes and they're all so new and comfy. His toothbrush is the same brand as alpha's - not the cheapest one that has all the bristles frayed after a week but has to last him for months. His jacket has a zipper  _ an _ d buttons, and they all work! No missing parts, keeps him warm. Dean has suspicions that Castiel got it for him brand new, too. His shoes fit and while he may have to stuff them with toilet paper and wear three pairs of socks during winter - they're just sneakers after all - so far, them not being too short has been a blessing. His toes have not bled  _ once _ . His shoe size is huge for an omega, but Castiel took it into consideration.

But also, Dean thinks grimly, _ he didn't listen to me when it counted. _

When he was being - kicked out. For reasons, yes, alpha had  _ great _ reasons to keep him away, Dean's grateful, yeah, he's so grateful he didn't get locked in a cage and sent away to Castiel's traditional family to be hurt again, he's grateful he didn't have to meet that Mike and Castiel's mom cause he'd be scared, he knows, so why is he still feeling so weird?

_ i want things to be the way they were before _ , Castiel said yesterday, and  _ yeah, me too,  _ Dean thinks.

He puts on a fresh shirt and sweatpants, and socks; it's a chilly morning after yesterday's storm, and Dean hopes it'll seem self-explanatory when he wanders downstairs, wrapped tightly in a blanket, so that his neck is all covered up. Alpha's in the kitchen, cooking, TV playing some news channel.

'Morning,' Dean mumbles, and Castiel startles and turns around. Fuck, he's a mess. He has bags under his eyes deeper than the Mariana Trench and stubble, his hair is even wilder than usual and he looks completely wired, his eyes wide and a little too awake. He puts the pan down and smiles.

'Hello, Dean,' he replies. 'Here, I made you breakfast.'

'Oh,' Dean says, suddenly chilled to the bone. 'Uh-'

'I wanted to surprise you,' Castiel sounds a little shy and Dean feels like he's going to pass out. He casts a glance behind his shoulder but the collar hangs by the door. When he turns around, Castiel puts the plate in front of him. He startles and looks down on it, his muscles taut, feeling ready to run.

But it's just bacon.

'Are you alright?' Castiel stops and frowns.

'Yeah,' Dean replies weakly. 'I'm good. This looks great, thank you.'

It's  _ a lot  _ of bacon, and a huge heap of scrambled eggs, and bread, and a small pile of - something. Dean pokes it with his fork and it turns out to be some vegetables, cut and mixed together. He almost makes a face. There's so much of it, too, kind of seems like alpha was cooking out of stress.

'Are you cold?'

'Just a little,' he adjusts the blanket so that it still covers his neck. There's three - no, four - big, dirty mugs that have been filled with coffee not that long ago, and he realizes alpha must've been up for a long time. Did he not sleep at all?

'You're really riding the bean there, huh?' Dean gestures to the mugs at Castiel's puzzled expression.

'Oh,' alpha averts his eyes sheepishly. 'Yes, I could not sleep.'

Dean sits down and starts eating before it gets cold. An awkward silence starts to creep up on them, but Castiel clears his throat and sits in front of Dean, his back to the kitchen, and reaches for a fruit.

'Would you like to go out today, or stay home?' he asks conversationally. Dean remembers that the last time they tried to make plans, alpha had something in mind, but his mother stopped him from finishing that offer.

'Go out,' Dean replies, chewing his food. It's good, but he thinks he's not really hungry, which is weird. He's  _ always _ hungry. 'If you're okay with it.'

'Of course, why wouldn't I be?' Castiel seems to put way too much effort into sounding eager, and wow, he's a horrible actor. He peels an orange, his fingers working but his eyes wide open and fixed on Dean, his hair sticking in every direction.

Dean just stares at him flatly. Castiel's smile falters and his shoulders slump.

'It's true that I do not feel exceptionally well today. But I don't want to ruin another day for you. I'm trying to be... optimistic,' he admits, looking down at his hands. 'We can still do something nice this weekend. I think sitting here will not improve our mood.'

Dean's relieved that alpha's honest with him. Everything feels a little lighter, suddenly. He knows most of their problems come from not being able to understand each other but some things are just too hard to share. Like Castiel's secret. Or his own past. Or when he has nightmares, or expects something bad to happen. But maybe - maybe he should try to share a bit more. Everything changed for the better once they actually started talking.

'Yeah, me neither,' he agrees. 'But yesterday sucked, and we both - we both feel like shit,' points for honesty? he hopes. 'If you wanna stay home, I get it.'

'No,' Castiel shakes his head, and sounds sincere, this time. 'I want to do something with you. Where would you like to go? Anywhere, Dean.'

'Maybe just the park?' Dean questions, pushes his food around the plate. 'There's this one downtown... I saw it on the bus.' He thinks back to how he drove past it and daydreamed how cool it would be to take a stroll there,  _ outside _ , maybe talk to someone, maybe see something new. 'Has this big pond, or whatever. Looked nice. But doesn't have to be there.'

Castiel smiles.

'Very well, that's where we'll go,' he actually bites into the entire orange and this time Dean does make a face. 'You said you "feel like shit" too,' Castiel quotes in a serious, muffled voice. 'Is it all related to yesterday's events?'

Dean could lie.

'Had a nightmare,' he mumbles instead, putting his fork down. Honesty's good, he convinces himself. Maybe if he wants alpha to follow the rules, he should too. Plus, alpha's been  _ super  _ honest with him, so. 'I, uh, I hurt myself.'

'What?' Castiel gets up and ignores Dean's flinch, he's instantly by his side. 'Where are you hurt?'

His hands hover over Dean, and Dean swallows hard and unwraps himself. He doesn't look, but hears the sharp inhale as Castiel sees the scratches. He expects pity and already knows he's gonna hate it, but maybe alpha will like, hug him or something. Maybe hugging will make the humiliation worth it.

'Come on,' Castiel takes his hand and leads him towards the stairs. Dean follows reluctantly. They end up in the bathroom where Castiel gets a tube of unopened Neosporin from the drawer. He squeezes a bit of it onto his fingers, and suddenly stops, looks at Dean like he just realized what he's been doing, like he was in some sort of trance.

'Oh, do you - would you prefer to do it yourself?' he asks cautiously.

'I already cleaned it,' Dean shrugs, embarrassed at the attention. 'Just a couple scratches, anyway.'

'I disagree,' Castiel purses his lips. 'Sit on the counter, please.'

Dean does and fidgets awkwardly. He flinches as Castiel's gentle fingers touch his skin and spread the ointment on the worst scratches. It burns a little, but it burned before, and he's had worse. He stares at the opposite wall. Is it possible he and alpha were so... intimate in this very place not even a day ago? It feels like they went a couple steps back since then, feels so different.

Alpha finishes by placing some white band-aids over the cuts, and Dean thinks he must look remarkably stupid now, with his neck bandaged like that. He's about to jump off the counter but alpha starts lowering his arm to lay it down on Dean's shoulder. He stops for half a second, his hand hanging in the air, like he changed his mind, but then his expression becomes determined and he leans forward and embraces the omega.

Dean doesn't melt into it, but he does take a small, hopefully inconspicuous whiff of alpha's scent where it's the strongest, in the crook of his neck. Maybe it'll pass for a sniff. It's reassuring, like always, and smells right. Smells like home.

Castiel rests his forehead against Dean's, his eyes closed, and says:

'I'm so happy you stayed,' and kisses his forehead softly and steps back.

Dean's left staring at him, eyes wide open. Wow, that felt so nice.

'Me too,' he whispers. Extends his hand, and alpha grabs it, of course he does, and Dean offers a small smile.

'Were you asleep when you hurt yourself?' alpha asks.

'Yeah. I - I've never done anything like that before.'

'I won't leave the bed before you anymore. I'll make sure it doesn't happen again. I just didn't want to wake you - you were so tired and I could not sleep at all. So I went downstairs,' Castiel tells him, as they leave the bathroom and go back to the kitchen. 'I tried reading. Charlie called - again - and she insists on coming over.'

'Why can't she?' Dean asks, his eyebrows raised. 'She's your friend.'

'Yes, but I -' Castiel hesitates. They stop next to the kitchen table and look at the half-eaten orange and Dean's - still full - plate. 'I don't feel up for it. Right now. Maybe tomorrow, if you - if you won't mind.'

'Sure, would be nice to meet her,' Dean agrees, and doesn't really want to move cause alpha's still holding his hand.

'Let's finish, and then we can go,' Castiel says, but doesn't make a move either.

'I'm not really hungry,' Dean murmurs. 'I'm sorry. You made so much, but I just - don't feel like eating more. Is that o-okay?'

He tenses a little, cause that's new, he never rejected food before. Maybe alpha will be sad that he did all that cooking and-

'Of course,' Castiel smiles and squeezes his hand. He looks at Dean, resolute, and declares: 'It's going to work out, Dean.'

At first Dean wants to ask what, but he knows. They both know. And he's glad alpha believes in it - in them.

'Okay,' his lips twitch in a short, bashful smile.

They dress up together. Castiel puts on some jeans, and Dean can't help but appreciate the way they hug his ass. But then alpha pairs them with a hideous blue patterned sweater. Dean's not seen that monstrosity before, so it must've been from alpha's winter collection - a bunch of clothes hidden in another closet. Alpha told Dean not to wash them cause he wouldn't be using them yet.

He must've  _ really _ dressed up for their anniversary, Dean thinks. He looked hot then; now he just looks dorky. But his face, his vivid blue eyes, his crazy dark hair; his sharp jaw and his raised eyebrow, that serious, dominant expression and his pink... lush... lips-

_ jesus christ, _ Dean thinks, turning around, a faint flush on his cheeks. Still pretty hot, yeah.

He picks a simple, dark green cable knit sweater alpha bought for him when they went shopping, and equally simple blue jeans. It looks like it's going to be cold outside.

When they stop by the door to put their shoes on, he quickly grabs the collar and secures it around his neck. He knows he's gonna attract even more attention with the bright white bandages under the collar, but it's not like he's gonna go without it. He traces the edge of it, wondering if he can maybe peel some of the bandages off and stuff them under the collar, but he catches a glimpse of himself in the mirror and yeah, not gonna work.

He doesn't say anything as he zips up his jacket, but suddenly, alpha appears next to him with some fabric in his hands and a part-pensive, part-timid look on his face. He ties the fabric around Dean's neck; Dean realizes it's a scarf, and it's soft and smells so much like alpha. Castiel takes a step back to admire his work.

'Is this okay?' he asks tentatively, and Dean turns to look in the mirror. It covers his entire neck. He nods and smiles, stupidly grateful, surprisingly fond, cause alpha knows what's up. Somehow, he does, and he cares enough to do something about it. 'I'll be right by your side all the time, so no one will have to check if the collar's there. But you're safe anyway,' Castiel assures him, but Dean's not worried.

It  _ is _ cold, a really low temperature for May. Dean's warm in his clothes though. When they get in the car, alpha puts his CD on. The sounds of Custard Pie fill the car as they drive downtown.

'Did you know that Benny used to do the sword thing?' Dean asks alpha, once they're out of their neigbourhood.

'Do you mean fencing?' Castiel frowns. 'Yes, I think so. I think someone mentioned it at work.'

'Yeah, well, he showed me some knives and stuff. He said we could like, come over sometime and we could throw,' Dean says warily.

'Throw?' Castiel sounds quizzical, and then he sounds downright terrified, 'Throw knives?!'

'Yeah,' Dean exhales, defeated. So it's a no. Okay, whatever, not like he knew it was gonna be a blast. Might've sucked.

'I think that's a little - dangerous,' alpha ventures hesitantly, like he doesn't want to say no straight away. They stop at a red light and he turns to look at Dean. 'Are you sure he's qualified to teach you? If that's something you like, we could find a tutor-'

'What? No, I already  _ know  _ how,' Dean blinks, surprised, cause it seems he and alpha talk about two different things, as they often do. 'My dad taught me. I was real good at it, I swear. I think I could beat Benny,' he starts to smirk, but then abandons it and quickly looks down at his hands. 'I mean, not like, you know - I know he's an alpha. It won't be a competition. We could just like - you two could talk, and I could, he has - he has targets. And he has this knife - I used to have one just like it. When I was a kid.'

Castiel's silent for a moment as they drive further. Dean stares out of the window. There's not many people on the streets, even though it's Saturday. Must be too cold.

'Dean, what other skills do you have?' Castiel asks, finally, and it sounds very very tentative. Shit. That's not good, he finally crossed some line or something, no omegas throw knives, he fucking knows that.

'No skills,' Dean replies instantly. 'None. I mean, I can cook. You know that. I think I clean just fine. And I'm good at sucking cock, of course, not like we had a chance to - but I am. Just so you know. Throwing knives, that's - that's in the past. Sorry I mentioned it.'

'No, Dean, not like that,' Castiel winces. 'I meant something as extraordinary as throwing knives- '

'Uh, well-' Dean thinks for a second. 'I mean, once I took this big fake knot, every alpha at the bar was impressed. I was good,' he smiles hesitantly. 'Alastair was super happy. He let me buy three things I wanted at a gas station on our way back! I got this really cool car magazine, some M&Ms and a coke.'

He grins, remembering it, but as he looks over at alpha, his smile fades. Alpha doesn't share his happiness. Of course, Dean reminds himself, he doesn't like to hear about his time at Alastair's.

'Is that bad?' he asks quietly. 'I mean. I don't really have any other great skills.'

'It's not bad, baby, but it's not what I mean,' Castiel tells him gently. 'I - I don't think - I hate that whenever I ask you about something, it brings back bad memories.'

Dean frowns.

'Wasn't a bad memory,' he replies. 'I don't really - the bar wasn't fun, I don't like - don't like being naked in - places' he admits, staring at the road. 'Don't like people watching me do - things. Sexy things. So at first it seemed kinda scary, but then it worked out and it was - it was good, cause I was a  _ really  _ good omega. I rarely was, back then, even though I tried.'

Castiel smells upset, so Dean shuts up.

'Your ability to withstand penetration with sex toys has nothing to do with being a good omega,' Castiel tells him slowly, like he's carefully putting the words together.

Dean's irrationally wounded. He was proud of that one.

'For every alpha except you, it does,' he mumbles, sulkily.

'Yes, but you're  _ mine _ ,' Castiel reminds him sternly. They're nearing the park, Dean sees, and Castiel seeks a parking place. 'And you will never _ , ever _ be asked to perform sexual acts. That's not what I wanted to talk about. I asked you about your skills, because throwing knives is highly unusual, not just for an omega, but for anyone. I was curious and if you have other hobbies or abilities from - from before, when it was you who decided what you wanted to do, I'd like to help you pursue them.'

He parks parallel to the street while he's talking, and Dean sinks in his seat. Oh. Okay.

'Huh,' is all he says, and sits there even after Castiel has turned off the ignition and the music. 'So it's a yes for knives?'

Castiel rolls his eyes like he can't believe that's all Dean got from his long speech. Yeah. Sometimes Dean can't believe himself, either.

'Yes, we can visit Benny and see about the knives,' Castiel affirms. Dean perks up.

'Awesome.'

'But with the way your father - trained you, and with how you had your own knife as a child, doesn't that strike you as a little - out of the ordinary?'

What kinda question is that?

'Yeah, I guess. We were an out of the ordinary family,' Dean shrugs, and crosses his arms, defensive.

'Do you want to - would you like to tell me why? Why did your father teach you how to throw knives?'

To stay safe, Dean would say. To know how to protect myself. Long before I was an omega.

'I -' Dean hesitates. He doesn't wanna. He knows honesty is okay, but they're patching things up today, he doesn't want to open the can of worms that is his family. 'My dad kept me safe. He taught me how to be safe when he's not around.'  _ Not like it helped you when they came for you, right? _ his thoughts taunt him. Yeah, he was a major wuss. There were cops, five of them, true, and it's not like he could've really hurt them, also true. But they overpowered him easily. He fought, but it wasn't enough, and they chipped him before he even hit the ground, so he knew it was over. Went down like the weak omega he is.

He clears his throat.

'But throwing knives, punching things, wrestling - shooting and stuff, I just kinda - I liked it,' he continues. 'I know it's not something omegas do, so I don't ever have to mention it again, if you don't wanna.'

'I want you to be  _ you, _ ' Castiel tells him earnestly, leaning forward. 'I want you to live not the way Alastair taught you, but the way you want to live.'

'I just wanna be a good omega,' Dean shrugs again.

'I think you want more than that. Your CDs, you enjoy them, yes?'

'Yeah-' Dean starts anxiously. 'You wanna take'em away?'

Castiel's expression is doleful, his scent disappointed; but there's something soft in him that doesn't scare Dean.

'No. I will never take the things I bought for you. They're yours, forever. I will repeat that for months, years, Dean, if that's what it takes for you to believe it.'

'You might have to,' Dean murmurs, his head so low his chin is touching his chest. 'Cause I don't believe you. I just can't,' he looks up at alpha. 'Are you gonna hit me?'

'No,' Castiel's lips turn down. 'Never-'

'I know you probably won't -' Dean adds hastily. 'Like, I know. You're very nice. And I know you're good. You like omegas. So I don't know, but, sometimes I think you're gonna hit me anyway. And like, it pisses me off cause - I don't want that, but sometimes I just get all tense and I think -' he looks away. 'I think you'll just do it. I think you'll fuck me or break my fingers or knock me out. Everyone did.'

'Dean, you have spent most of your life being owned by a monster who abused you,' Castiel lays his hand on Dean's thigh, gently, and Dean doesn't flinch. 'It will take time to get used to a different life, I understand. And you have that time. Whenever I get sad, or mad, it's because I feel like I can't prove to you that I mean well. But I'm never mad at  _ you _ . I'm mad at myself.'

Dean sits in silence for a couple more seconds, and then snorts.

'Some pair we are, huh?'

'I'm starting to think that maybe we are a really fitting pair,' Castiel replies kindly. When Dean forces himself to look at him, he smiles. 'I feel like you really understand me, Dean, like no one else before.'

Dean returns the smile slowly, but he doesn't feel happy. He still feels uneasy. Why is all of this so fucking hard?

'I won't take your CDs,' Castiel promises solemnly, his hand squeezing Dean's thigh in reassurance. 'But I think you enjoy having them, and it's a sign that you'd enjoy having and doing other things too.'

Dean shrugs and looks away again.

'Come on,' Castiel opens his door. The spot on Dean's thigh feels vacant when alpha gets out of the car, so Dean follows. Castiel locks his Toyota and they walk towards the park, and when they cross the street, alpha grabs his hand and holds it. Dean can't help a pleased smile that spreads across his face, but he ducks his head to hide it.

There are some people around, but not too many. A couple of joggers pass them by, and some people are walking their dogs. Dean focuses on the rustling of the leaves, on the way the branches hang heavy over their heads; it's all so green, despite the shitty weather, and it smells so good, too. Smells like being outside, smells like getting out. Like freedom. And he knows it's not real freedom, he gave up hope for that years ago, but he learned to enjoy the illusion of it. He learned to imagine that he could just start running and go really fast, and no one would stop him. Imagine that he could walk into the first shop he sees and buy something he wants, like a pack of gum. Imagine that he could get a hot dog from the cart, surrounded by the steam from all the meat being warmed, just cause he wanted to.

'Do you want a hot dog?'

Dean startles and looks at alpha, at his questioning, heartfelt expression.

'What are you, a mind reader?' Dean grumbles, too surprised to filter his words, but Castiel just cracks a smile.

'Not quite, but I do have very good hearing, and I think it's your stomach that's growling.'

Dean puts his hand on his stomach. He didn't even notice. But yeah, he could use some food right now. Ditching breakfast probably wasn't his best idea.

'I guess I want one, then,' he says cautiously.

'Alright!' alpha cheers, like they're doing something off the charts amazing instead of getting a snack, but well. Dean's not gonna complain as he's dragged towards the cart. He doesn't even remember the last time he got a hot dog.

'What can I get ya?' the hot dog guy asks. A beta who looks like he has spent his entire life selling hot dogs in this park. Not the worst job, Dean thinks, tipping his head in consideration.

'What kind of toppings do you offer?' Castiel asks next to him, assessing the food seriously, and it makes Dean want to smile.

'Uh, the regular, man? Chili, cheese, onion, pickles, tomatoes... take your pick.' Wow, truly a man made for the job.

'What will you have, Dean?' Castiel turns to him, and doesn't pay attention to the annoyed beta. Fuck, Dean forgot he was supposed to make a choice.

'I - uh, plain will be fine,' he says meekly, shifting from one foot to another. Castiel shakes his head and steps closer, a little too close, and for a weird second, Dean feels like they're the only people in the world. Just the two of them in this small space, their scents, their breaths, Castiel's serious blue eyes and the very important decision on hot dog toppings.

'I'm sure there are some ingredients you like,' Castiel says, slowly, and Dean realizes it's one of the things he likes most about the man; his patience. Castiel focuses on him absolutely, whenever he freaks out, sure, but also because of something as trivial as food flavors. And that's fresh, to have someone really consider his opinion, to have someone pay attention to him and listen to him, to disregard everyone else just for  _ him, _ some secondhand omega. It makes Dean feel special.

'I like all of them,' Dean whispers. He has to focus, he has to think and reply.

'Great,' Castiel takes a step back, and Dean mourns the loss of his presence. 'He'll have one with everything.'

'Alpha!' Dean exclaims, but after the disbelief comes excitement. 'With everything' was always the lowest option on the menu, be it waffles, hot dogs or burgers, it was always too expensive. Even when he could choose, back with dad, there were some financial boundaries they never crossed. 'We can get that?'

'Of course,' Castiel sends him an easy smile. The beta prepares one with _ truly everything  _ and Dean watches, wide-eyed. He's not sure how he'll fit that in his mouth, but God knows he's gonna try.

'Awesome,' Dean whispers, taking the masterpiece from the beta, the smell alone making him drool. But it's not just the hot dog he can smell. For the first time today, Dean realizes that Castiel's scent is kind of happy.

Alpha gets his own; just mustard and ketchup, and Dean hopes it's not cause he's draining alpha's finances like some Scrooge McDuck vampire. Like all that money alpha didn't inherit, mostly cause of him. But he doesn't have time to dwell on it cause when he bites into his hot dog, it's fucking fantastic, and he moans loudly around it.

'Oh my _ God _ .'

'I take it you like it,' Castiel smiles, and he looks weirdly satisfied with himself. Dean thinks, for the first time - the idea is pretty alien to him, cause Alastair was never like that - maybe alpha feels proud when he takes care of him. Like Dean feels when he makes alpha pleased, somewhere deep inside there's this strange - something. Like  _ a job well done. _

They keep strolling and keep holding hands, and Dean thinks, this is nice. He thinks there's no other alpha in the world that would bother with making him feel like that. They see the big pond - big enough that Dean would risk calling it a lake - and there's...

'Ducks! Alpha, look!' Dean tugs at alpha and rushes to the pond. He stops just a few steps away from the water. The ducks are swimming and some are running around, and it's really cool. He misses animals. He realizes, with a weird start - something he hadn't thought about in ages - he doesn't even remember the last time he saw animals in real life. The city he lived in with Alastair was all concrete and skyscrapers, no patches of green like here. Granted, he's not the biggest fan of nature, especially not after that night in the woods with dad, when the Impala broke down and - yeah, not missing that one. But it's been too long, he knows that now, feeling so fucking stoked to look at some ducks.

'There's a swan, too,' Castiel gestures to their left and Dean sees the huge white bird waddling towards them.

'Oh my God,' he says and grabs at alpha with his free hand. 'This is  _ so  _ cool.'

The ducks seem to gravitate towards them, maybe sensing free food, and they come out of the water to gather at their feet. Castiel crouches down effortlessly and tears off tiny pieces of his bun. Dean stares. Alpha looks gentle and serene as he smiles absent-mindedly, throwing some crumbs among the ducks and seeing them pick at it.

'It's not good to let them eat too much bread,' he informs Dean. 'For a swan, one piece of bread is like two slices of pizza.'

'That don't seem like too much pizza,' Dean retorts.

'For you, maybe,' Castiel gets up, his knees crack. 'Or for Italian swans.'

Dean snorts.

'Are there even swans in Italy?'

'Of course. Italy has quite a lot of large lakes,' Castiel takes the last bite of his hot dog. He balls up the wrapper and puts it in the pocket of his trenchcoat, and stares ahead. Dean's done with his food by the time he thinks it feels a little off, a little too long, and leans forward to get a good look at Castiel's face. Alpha looks lost in thought and really, really sad.

'Alpha?' Dean asks quietly.

'I miss my father,' Castiel says, and he sounds like he's on the verge of tears. 'Though I do not understand why.'

Dean lays a hesitant hand on his shoulder.

'I'm sorry,' alpha shakes his head. 'This was supposed to be a nice afternoon. I'm sorry to spoil the moment. I know the ducks made you happy.'

'You make me happier than some ducks,' Dean rolls his eyes, though only cause he's sure alpha won't see. He inches closer, so that their sides are brushing. 'After yesterday, I'd actually be concerned if you  _ were  _ okay.'

Alpha hums, not really disagreeing, and glances at Dean from the corner of his eye.

'Would you like to just sit somewhere, for a while?'

They find an empty bench just a bit further away and make themselves comfortable. Alpha leans back, but they still sit so close they're touching.

'I'm sorry they came over,' Dean says after a moment. 'I mean, if not for our wedding photo, they wouldn't have bothered you.'

'Yes, but then they could've really declared me dead at some point.'

'Jesus,' Dean huffs and shakes his head. 'I can't believe your mom said those things to you. That's so hardcore, even after everything that happened between you.'

'Yes,' Castiel nods. 'I can't say I was surprised. Mother was never - well, a mother. She was the supervisor, that's all. If I wanted to have a conversation with her about anything, I usually had to schedule it with one of her assistants, first.'

'What the hell,' Dean stares at alpha. 'That's - how can you ever have kids and just not care like that?'

'It doesn't really bother me, knowing that she doesn't care. It's different with father. Perhaps because he had sought some contact from time to time. He favored me, I think, but I'm not sure why.' Castiel goes silent for a moment, and Dean can smell that he's a little wary as he asks: 'What about your mother? Were you close?'

For a moment, Dean sees the only picture of mom he had - her and dad and him and Sammy in front of their house in Lawrence, Kansas. She looked beautiful to Dean, but also foreign; all these years, a mother he never really got to know, someone he hoped was watching over him from... somewhere. She existed only on that photo and in their memory, a constant that pushed them forward, a sanctified member of their family who made dad do all kinds of unholy things.

'Y-yeah,' Dean admits, focusing on the present. 'Her name was Mary. I sometimes wonder what it'd be like, to grow up with her. But, uh, I'll never know cause she was murdered when I was four.'

Castiel's scent turns sour and he looks for Dean's hand and grips it tightly.

'Your life has been horrible,' he declares, and there's pity in his eyes. Dean doesn't want it.

'Gee, thanks,' he chuckles bitterly and averts his eyes.

'No, I - I apologize, I've been told I'm too blunt,' Castiel bows his head. His scent swings from sad to guilty. 'It just upsets me to know you've lost so much. You're such a bright soul, you don't deserve that, Dean.'

A bright soul. What the fuck.

'You know nothin' about me,' Dean mumbles petulantly, but doesn't wrench his hand away. 'You don't know if I'm a decent person or not.'

'I know you took the time out of your day to ask our neighbor if she needs help, regularly,' Castiel protests softly. 'I know you went halfway across town, on foot, just to organize a very thoughtful and sweet gift for me. You're very brave and compassionate despite everything you went through. You don't treat me any different after I fail, which I do frequently.'

'You don't treat me any different either, and I gotta be the biggest fuck up you've ever met. I'm forty and I still cry in my sleep,' he tries to make it sound like a joke, but it comes out as frustrated as he feels.

'I'm forty-three and I cry in the daytime,' Castiel deadpans. 'As you've seen yesterday. If I went through half of what you did, Dean, I don't think I would've been able to function, let alone be as strong and sweet as you are.'

_ strong  _ and  _ sweet  _ are not words Dean ever uses to describe himself. If he'd let them get to him now, they would be too much, so he lets them sound empty instead.

'You don't know what I've done,' he protests. 'Even before Alastair.'

'It doesn't matter. I know what you do now. You change my life for the better,' Castiel shrugs. 'Even sitting here, if I found out about father and you weren't around, I - everything would've been so much harder. Just you being here means so much to me. And I hope - I hope your mom sees what a great person you are, wherever she is now.'

Dean's heart skips a beat.

'Thanks,' he replies, his voice thick. Alpha thinks he's useful. Alpha thinks he's good. Alpha - Castiel - compliments him so much, and probably really believes in it. And the bit about his mom - yeah, Dean's gonna cherish that one forever. 'I, uh, I like cars.'

Castiel frowns and Dean can tell he's puzzled.

'I know that already -' he pauses. 'Dean, was that a fact or...?'

'Yeah,' Dean confirms. 'I mean, I know you know, but skills-wise. You asked me about skills. I was very good with cars, before. Driving, yeah, but I could also fix them.'

'That's impressive,' Castiel raises his eyebrows. 'Was your father a mechanic?'

'For a short time,' Dean nods. 'But he taught me a lot, and I - that was my dream job. I know, not very omega-like.'

'You're an omega, so it was omega-like, then.'

'Yeah, whatever,' Dean looks at the ground, uncomfortable. 'But cars, they just work for me. Everything about them just makes sense, you know? Kinda like computers for you, probably.'

'So you never got to work as a mechanic, I assume?'

'Nope,' Dean sighs. 'But I had lots of practice. Not  _ everything _ about my life was shitty,' he smiles a little. 'Like, my dad and my brother, we were a solid team.'

'I wish I had that. So many siblings, yet I could not get along with any of them.'

'Well, what about that Gabriel guy? Or Anna?'

'After Anna left - she went to university - we pretty much lost contact,'  _ oh, wow, I know how that goes,  _ Dean thinks. 'But Gabriel, I managed to find him after I left Amelia's. He was in a dire state, not that he would ever admit it. Gabriel is... hard to talk to, but somehow, we are able to communicate. I think the distaste for our family is what truly bonded us.'

'Did you call him, after yesterday?'

'Yes, right after mother and Mike left. I wanted to warn him, tell him what was going on. He's supposed to call me back in a while.'

'Would he take the money? You said he'd inherit a lot.'

'I'm sure he would take it,' Castiel chuckles. 'And he deserves it. I hope he reaches out to them if they don't visit him. He wasn't given any conditions. Just the money.'

'Holy shit,' Dean breathes out. 'So what, he just gets those thousands upon thousands of bucks for free? Why do you gotta participate, then?'

'I wish I knew,' Castiel sighs. 'I have no idea what was going on in father's head. Maybe he changed. But I doubt that, I don't think people can change that much.'

'I changed lots,' Dean reveals. 'I don't think you'd have recognized me if we went back in time.'

'Yes?' Castiel raises his eyebrows, but he looks genuinely curious and a little playful. 'What were you like, then?'

Dean kind of wants to tell him, but that would involve explaining his whole past, and he already decided he's not doing that, not yet, at least.

'Just different, s'all,' he shrugs, leans away, hoping to get across that he doesn't want to elaborate. Castiel gets it.

'Let's walk some more,' alpha offers. 'I feel a bit better now.'

'Okay,' Dean gets up and stretches. Alpha holds out his hand in silent invitation and they end up taking a stroll around the entire pond. They pass by some people and Dean feels weird when he realizes he's proud to walk by Castiel's side. Before, whenever he was out in public with Alastair, he felt humiliated when people knew he belonged to the alpha. He felt lesser. But now, he's surprised to feel... possessive, even, as they go past a beta who sizes Castiel up, and Dean straightens his back instinctively before he can realize what he's doing. It's new, but not exactly bad. And Castiel doesn't even seem to register it; instead, he's telling Dean about the trees, pointing at every single one and describing their... breed, or whatever that's called.

'It's not a breed, Dean, it's a species,' Castiel chastises him gently, and Dean finds it cute how offended he seems. Because of _ trees. _ 'What have I told you about yellow birch already?'

'That it's endangered in Illinois,' Dean replies dutifully, but he's not really paying attention to the shape of the leaves or the color of the bark of the trees they see. It's nice to listen to alpha, though, it's calming and alpha clearly likes the topic.

'Yes, well, you can also make tea from its twigs and bark.'

'Ew,' Dean grimaces. 'How do you know so much about plants?'

'I don't, I just watch documentaries,' Castiel shrugs. 'I enjoy nature.'

'Alright, what about those birds over there. You know any fun facts?' Dean points to the ducks and swans still swimming in the pond. Castiel thinks for a moment, but then he lights up.

'Yes!' he says excitedly. 'Did you know that swans can fly with a speed of 60 miles per hour?'

'What?' Dean snorts. 'You just made that up.'

'No, I didn't. You may fact-check me if you please.'

'No way some swan goes faster than a car in a school zone, come on!' Dean scowls. 'What's the fastest birds can go?'

'I... don't know,' Castiel pulls out his phone. 'But we can see.'

'Let's guess! We can even bet,' Dean proposes enthusiastically.

'Alright. What should we bet on?' Castiel asks and he's smiling, but suddenly, Dean feels like the ground has disappeared from under his legs. What the fuck is he doing? How can he talk to alpha this way?!

It's all cause of alpha's fuck up yesterday, Dean reasons with himself. Alpha was apologizing so much, and he was nice like always, so Dean got reckless, he let himself feel too safe, and now he's bickering with alpha like with some close friend, like they're equals. He doesn't know why it always catches him off guard, how much he loses himself in the moment; it's like it feels so good to let go, he consciously ignores everything he's been taught, everything he's promised himself, until at some point it catches up to him and he's terrified.

A bet. He's giving alpha a free invitation to humiliate him and have a reason for it.

_ He won't do it, _ something inside him whispers.  _ It's Castiel. He's okay.  _ But his racing heart and sweaty palms say something completely different.

'Dean?' Castiel puts his second hand on his arm, stands in front of him. Dean's staring at the ground and he's scared, he's always scared.

'I'm sorry for doubting you, alpha,' he quickly says. 'I'm sure you're right and we don't have to make any bets. I was stupid-'

'No, none of that,' Castiel interrupts him sternly. 'You didn't do anything wrong. Why did you get so worried? I'm not mad.'

'Yeah, I don't know.'

He doesn't say anything else.

'Well, can I tell you what I was thinking we could bet on?'

'Mhm,' Dean nods, retaining eye contact with his sneakers. He tenses up.

'The loser will have to drink a cup of yellow birch tea,' Castiel sounds cheeky as he says that, and when Dean flicks his gaze up, he's smiling softly. 'How does that sound?'

'And me?' Dean asks fearfully.

Understanding dawns on alpha's face.

'You will have to drink a cup of yellow birch tea,' Castiel repeats, calmly, staring right into Dean's eyes. 'The rules are the same for both of us. Would that kind of bet be fine for you? Only if you want to.'

Dean's stupid to ever think alpha could demand something like making him go back home naked or seeing how long he can go without food before he passes out. Alpha keeps saying things like these won't happen, but he keeps proving it, too.

'Yeah, let's do this,' Dean says, and clears his throat.

'Well, we know swans can reach 60 miles an hour...' Castiel ponders out loud. 'I think my bet will be 150 miles per hour.'

'You have so much faith in birds, alpha,' Dean comments weakly, trying to focus and shake off the bad feeling he just had. 'Uh... okay, I'll follow your lead. I'll go for 200, all in, whatever.'

'That's generous,' alpha concludes, but he types the question on his phone, letting Dean see everything. The answer pops up.

'Wow,' Dean breathes out. 'Almost 250! That's insane! I can't even drive that fast!'

'Peregrine falcon,' Castiel reads. 'I humbly accept my defeat, Dean. Congratulations.'

They exchange smiles and Dean tries to play it down, but really, he's kinda happy. He doesn't remember the last time he won anything. And alpha didn't get mad at all. In fact, he looked happy too, and even if not everything went without a hitch, Dean feels good, he feels like they're having a good time.

'Thanks,' he simply says. 'Can we walk a bit longer?'

  
  
  


Back home, Dean ends up preparing dinner for them, because alpha's wiped, even if he won't admit it. He sits on the couch and gloomily scrolls through his phone, because apparently "Benny and Charlie exchanged information" and are "flooding him with concerned messages". Dean gets busy, but he feels more energetic now that he's spent some time outside.

They eat, and alpha tells Dean that Charlie will visit them tomorrow.

'Are you sure it's alright with you?' he asks gravely, and Dean's thrown back to the conversation they had on the same couch just the day before. It's a small, depressing reminder of how things changed, but this time, Dean has hope that they can rebuild whatever they had. That they're already rebuilding it.

'Yep,' he replies. 'I'll clean.'

'You don't have to, everything's spotless,' Castiel tells him. 'I don't feel like doing anything tonight. Would it be fine if we just watched some movies?'

'More than fine,' Dean smiles at him. He wants to run his hands through alpha's hair, to smoothen out his wrinkles with the pad of his thumb; to kiss his dry lips and see if it brings some color to his pale face. Alpha looks worse now than he did in the afternoon, and Dean thinks it's a blessing they went out, but the night of no sleep and everything he has lost, and his family from hell, all of it has completely worn him out. So Dean puts on some action comedy and brings a blanket.

Alpha's sitting in the middle of the couch, and Dean suddenly stops in the living room with the blanket in his hands. It seemed like a good idea, still does, but how is he supposed to convey it?

'Alpha,' Dean starts, and clears his throat. Castiel looks up at him, tired, but his face is attentive like he's trying to seem lively. He's always trying, so hard. 'Can I ask you for something?'

'Of course.'

'Can you, uh, will you lay down?'

Castiel frowns, but complies without comment. He puts his legs up. Dean walks up to him and spreads the blanket with shaking hands, expecting a punch to his gut when Castiel's form disappears under it. But none comes, and he's able to tuck alpha underneath, so focused on making it comfy that he only notices Castiel's fond, awe-struck expression when he's done.

'I just - you should try to get some sleep,' Dean explains sheepishly, wringing his hands now that he has nothing to hold. 'I'll watch with you, though.'

He sits down on the cursed white rug, right by alpha's head.

'Dean,' alpha says and he turns, alarmed, but alpha's eyes still shine with wonder. 'I- thank you.'

'Sure,' Dean shrugs. 'I had a really nice day, today,' he hesitates, and then adds, to drive the point home, 'With you.'

'Me too,' Castiel smiles, and though it's exhausted, it's also sweet and relieved. 'If I fall asleep, wake me up if you have nightmares.'

'Okay. Cool.'

Alpha doesn't even make it through the opening credits. That's fine, though; Dean leans back and he can feel alpha's arm resting against the nape of his neck. He should take off the bandages, at some point, only he doesn't want to; this is nice and cozy. He ends up binging movie after movie so alpha can sleep as long as possible, and it's the most laid back he's been in a long, long while; alpha's quiet snores coming from behind him, the warmth of his body and his scent, his entire presence.

Finally, come 1am, Dean startles out of a slumber and attempts to wake alpha with a gentle hand on his arm.

'Wake up,' he hisses. 'Alpha.'

'Noooo,' alpha whines and it's so childish, so unlike his collected husband, that Dean laughs quietly.

'You gotta go to bed,' Dean insists, nudging him harder.

'M'busy now,' alpha mumbles and presses his face into the couch, and that's it. Dean sighs, but he can't help a chuckle. No problem, they can sleep on the couch. He's not leaving alpha, though, so he checks and discovers that he can open the fold and the couch becomes big like their bed upstairs. Great. He hopes alpha won't mind, but he doesn't feel like moving much, so he just flops onto it in his T-shirt and sweatpants, and cuddles up to alpha. He doesn't know how alpha knows, cause he doesn't wake, yet he grumbles in his sleep and pulls Dean closer, and traps him in an embrace. Dean's not complaining.

He stares at alpha's face, so so close. Very slowly, he lifts his hand, cups alpha's cheek and runs his thumb over it. He's soft to touch and Dean thinks that if he woke now, he wouldn't have hit him. Alastair would've punched him, he's sure, he'd've never even let him sleep in bed unless they just had sex and Dean earned it. But Castiel wouldn't hurt him. He'd probably do something sappy like kiss his fingers. And he'd smile. Dean likes when he does that.

'You're a good guy,' Dean whispers, peering at his sleeping mate. He swallows, his mouth dry, but he's sure alpha's truly asleep and won't hear. 'Castiel.'

Calling alpha by his name feels sacrilegious, but Dean's cheeks get all warm and it's not bad, so he lets the instinctual fright slowly melt away. Alpha's asleep, so it doesn't matter. It's not like he'll ever know. Dean smiles and lays down next to him for a long, long time, thinking he had long lost hope he'd ever be this happy.  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yeahhh i have to say im not satisfied with this chapter. anyway, took like 2 weeks to produce, so at this point i'm moving forward. hope you enjoy some parts, as i did, at least!
> 
> one more thing - i may be wrong but i get a feeling, based on some comments, that you guys sort of expect this story to have just a couple more chapters. sorry to disappoint but i actually intend for it to have many, many more chapters. this was supposed to be the start of their story, of their relationship, and ive no idea why i gotta make every chapter so goddang long, but it is how it is, i enjoy writing this and i have so many more plans for the future of this story, so, uh bear with me? like, the cas's revelation seemed to be this big point in this story and it is, but it doesn't mean im getting anywhere near the end! i have no idea how long it'll go on. but i like it so far. so. there's that.
> 
> as always, thanks for the support, it all means so much! i get this huge smile on my face everytime i get to read a new comment, and im happy you stuck around even after cas's fuck up! ;) let me know what you think about this one!


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> timeline: day 12 (05/08)

Dean wakes up slowly. He had bad dreams, he knows, but he can't really remember what happened in them, for once. The weirdest thing, though, is that alpha's embracing him. He frowns, but it's still hard to open his eyes. Did they have really good sex the night before? That wouldn't be enough. Alpha _never_ cuddles him. So maybe Dean moved close to him during the night. That's not good.

He tries to wiggle himself out of the tight hold. It doesn't really work, and alpha grumbles in response. Dean doubles his efforts.

Alpha pulls him back to his chest, sternly. What the hell, Alastair doesn't do that.

'Sorry,' Dean tries, quietly and pitifully. He opens his eyes a little, drowsy. His face is pressed to alpha's shirt and it's suffocating. He pulls away for the third time, and alpha actually wakes, Dean can sense it.

'Sorry, I'm sorry,' he whispers quickly and ducks his head, his arm comes up and protects his face. 'I'll stay on the other side, I didn't mean to. Please-'

'Dean? What's wrong?' alpha mutters and looks down at him. 

It's Castiel. The realization of it is followed by a dizzying amount of relief. 

'It's you,' Dean says before he can stop himself and lowers his arm. 'I'm sorry. I thought-' he trails off, not sure what else to say. Castiel's arms come back and squeeze him tight, and the alpha noses along his mating bite, hidden under his T-shirt. It's a good feeling, a little itchy but satisfying, and it sends a jolt of lazy pleasure through his body. 

'Did you have a nightmare?' alpha asks against his collarbone.

'I think so,' Dean sags in his arms, lets himself breathe in the scent of sleepy alpha. Castiel softly kisses the point where his neck and shoulder meet. 'But I don't remember.'

'That's good, isn't it?' Castiel murmurs. 'Why are you wearing clothes?'

'We fell asleep on the couch, yesterday,' Dean explains. Alpha's hand dives under his T-shirt and caresses his back. 'Do you-' Dean gulps, his mouth suddenly dry. 'Do you want me to lose the clothes?'

Alpha's clearly getting handsy, and Dean has no clue if he likes it. He likes the closeness, but he's not sure if he wants to have sex. Not after - whatever happened the day before yesterday. 

But since when is he wondering what he _wants_? He realizes that he had that thought, unprompted, and that he's actually considering telling alpha he's not in the mood. 

Not in the mood. What the hell. He's always in the mood, he's an omega, and even if he feels off, it's what he's here for. 

So he takes hold of his shirt and starts to take it off, but he must smell wrong, cause alpha pulls away and looks concerned. 

'Hey, no, honey,' he stares at him, serious, frowning. 'I was just asking because we don't usually sleep in our day clothes.' He looks at Dean for a moment more, at his face as Dean lets go of his shirt, carefully avoiding his eyes. 'Unless... you would like to mate?'

Dean sniffs the air, but he doesn't think alpha's super aroused or anything. 

'I can,' he shrugs. 'Do you wanna?' He curls in on himself without meaning to. 

'If it's what you really want. Is it?'

Dean shrugs again. He hates this, he hates that he creates situations like these. But then again, before, no alphas bothered with asking him. They did what they wanted, he didn't need to stop to analyze his mood and emotions. Maybe that was easier, he thinks bitterly. 

Alpha raises his hand and Dean flinches away from it.

'I'm sorry,' he mumbles, cheeks pink with embarrassment, and slides his pants down in one move. Reaches for his underwear. 'You can do what you want, alpha, I'm sorry.'

'No, no, Dean,' alpha grabs his hands and holds them. Dean lays on his back, trembling. 'Shh, calm down. Pants go back on,' Castiel dresses him again, gently, and Dean can't do much else than lie still. Castiel leans in and kisses his cheek chastily. 'You're okay. Now tell me. Did you want to have sex?'

'I always want to have sex,' Dean replies dully. That's what good omegas should do. He doesn't know why he feels like this, like he's back, why he felt like he woke up in Alastair's arms, not in Castiel's. 

Alpha moves to lay above Dean, his elbows bracketing his head, and he kisses his other cheek. 

'That was something Alastair's omega would say,' he tells Dean seriously, looking down at him. Dean finds it hard to look away. Alpha looks better, rested, his blue eyes shine. Dean really loves their color. They're so warm, so full, so unlike Alastair's bleak blue-grey eyes. 'But you're my omega, now, right?'

'Right,' Dean whispers. 

'And my omega only has to say the truth,' Castiel stops for a moment and just looks at him. Dean squirms a little, feels trapped. 'Do you want to cuddle?'

That's a different question. An easier one. Dean exhales.

'Yes,' he slowly lifts his hands and wraps them around alpha. Alpha smiles and Dean returns it hesitantly. 

'And do you want to mate?'

Dean's smile dies and he looks away uncertainly. 

'If you worry about making me mad,' Castiel says and kisses his neck softly, and then again. Dean relaxes a fraction. 'Don't be. I will never be mad if you tell me the truth.'

That's true. Dean knows it is. He knows that when he told Castiel in bed, days ago, that he was scared, he stopped. He knows that the next time they tried, he also got scared, and Castiel didn't get mad either. He wanted them both to enjoy it every single time.

'I don't wanna mate,' Dean blurts out and shakes in Castiel's embrace. Alpha smiles widely.

'That's my good boy,' he leans in to kiss him on the mouth, this time, but it's not erotic. Dean doesn't know how he knows, but it's not. It's comforting, and short. 'What's all this about, then?'

'You're not mad, right?'

'Never, never about this,' Castiel kisses him again, and this time, Dean follows his mouth when they separate, and he timidly tugs him back down. He can feel that Castiel's still smiling when their mouths meet.

'I thought you were him, when I woke up,' Dean admits when they break the kiss. His hold on alpha is always shy, it's always a mock embrace, because he knows that whenever alpha indicates he wants to get up, Dean's gonna immediately let him go. But it feels good nonetheless. Feels good to keep him close. 'I don't know, I don't really feel - normal, today.'

'That's fine,' Castiel runs his hand through Dean's hair. 'I'm so proud of you for telling me the truth.'

'I like-' Dean starts to say. It's stupid, so he stops. 'Can I get up?'

'Of course,' Castiel moves to the side and Dean sits up. He feels stiff after the night on the couch and he stretches a little. 'What do you like?'

Sure, he wouldn't let that go. Dean sighs, defeated, and looks at his lap. 

'I like when you kiss me like that,' he mumbles. 'You know, like, it means different things, sometimes. I didn't know, before, that it could mean something else. I ain't ever been kissed like that. Like it just means you being here, not you being here to fuck me. It's nice.'

Castiel's face is part sad, part happy when he grabs his hand and squeezes it.

'I enjoy kissing you, _a lot_ ,' he tells Dean. 'But except for that, I have another way to cheer you up. I have a surprise for you.'

Dean frowns. 

'I really hope it'll make you happy, but if you won't want to do it, we'll just stop.'

'Okay,' Dean agrees dubiously. He doesn't think he likes surprises. Except Castiel surprises him with breakfast, sometimes, or he surprised him with the blanket, and he definitely enjoyed that. So maybe it won't be bad. 

'We still have some time until Charlie arrives. Please go take a shower and dress up. I'll make sandwiches in the meantime.'

Dean nods and gets up, and does as alpha told him. He showers as fast as possible, cause he doesn't want to make alpha wait; then, puts on some jeans and a red flannel, unsure if they're going out or staying. He took off the bandages but the scratches can be seen; they don't hurt, though, so he thinks they won't have to bandage them again. In the end, he almost sprints downstairs.

'You're done?' alpha looks up from the kitchen table, his eyebrows raised. 'That was fast, that's great.' He's impressed, and Dean's pleased in return, his cheeks flush. He did good. 'Here's your sandwich.'

Dean notices that the couch is refolded, and the room looks clean. He's sure alpha must've put away a few things, cause it looks ready for visitors. 

While Dean eats, alpha takes an extremely quick shower, and he's back in no time. Dean's still a little tired and a lot nervous; alpha looks excited, though, as he turns to take a mug from the kitchen counter.

'Here,' he says, and puts it in front of Dean. It's full of black coffee. Dean smiles a little; an alpha cleaning, serving him food and drinks, who would've thought? Yet Castiel does it with the easy confidence that he always maintains; even when he's breaking down or in the moments where he's uncertain, he never seems _weak_. He's still so alpha, and Dean loves it, because Castiel doesn't abuse it. There's something hot in the way he carries himself and the natural assertiveness that's right under the surface, and even though Dean knows that Castiel has issues, he doesn't think other people would be able to tell. He takes a sip of coffee and gets up, they should probably hurry.

'No, drink it all, Dean,' Castiel tells him, and then, like an afterthought (as if he was hesitating to touch him, Dean notes), he leans in and rubs Dean's arm affectionately. He smiles softly. 'I need you really awake for this.'

So Dean doesn't ask and empties the entire mug in one go. He thinks this intake of caffeine is going to make him too jittery, but he's not gonna question alpha. And the satisfied way Castiel watches him as the puts down the empty mug makes something flutter in his stomach. It's stupid, it's not even been an order, but Dean feels omega-good because he did what alpha asked and now alpha's happy with him. 

'Come on,' Castiel gets up and takes his hand. They stop to put on their shoes and jackets - and Dean, his collar. Dean watches as the alpha takes his trenchcoat off the hanger and puts it on, and wonders if it's his favorite, or something. He wears it all the time.

They leave the house and stop in front of the car.

'Can I ask where we're going?' Dean hesitates next to the driver's door, because Castiel leaves him and goes around the car. 

'You'll find out in a moment,' Castiel says, but he's still smiling, so Dean takes a breath and tries to calm down. It's okay. Nothing bad is going on. 'Go on, get inside.'

Alpha sits shotgun, and Dean stares at him through the window. He opens the door gingerly. 

'I sit here?' he asks quietly. Something's wrong. Alpha has something in mind, Dean knows, but he doesn't know what and it makes him feel terrified. Why the hell would he sit on the driver's side? With any other alpha, he'd think it must mean car sex. But they just talked about not having it. So maybe he finally wants a blowjob. Dean's just told him he's great at it yesterday. But why here of all places? Maybe they'll go somewhere after Dean's done? Plus, it's not really Castiel's style. Not at all. But Dean has no other ideas.

He turns to ask what they're doing, but alpha hands him the keys. Dean tilts his head in question, but takes them. 

'What-'

'We can go just around the block, not further,' alpha sounds apologetic, but he's also so excited, like he keeps waiting for Dean's reaction, or something. 'I know it's been a while, so I don't want to risk any road accidents. No offence, as I'm certain you're an excellent driver. You just need a little practice.'

Dean stares, uncomprehending. He looks at the keys and then back at alpha. 

'You want me to drive?' he asks, can't really wrap his head around it. 

'Yes! You said you like cars, so I thought maybe -'

'You really don't want a blowjob?' Dean asks quickly, staring at alpha's crotch. He's confused when he realizes the idea is kind of hot. The same car where they - made love, Dean thinks, a mild blush coloring his cheeks. He'd heard people say that, but only understood what that could mean after their one month anniversary. Maybe sex isn't what he wants right now, but this - this could be good. This could feel good in some different, alien way that Dean only starts to discover, and it makes him kind of curious to try. The thought leaves him puzzled. 

But alpha clearly doesn't feel the same. He purses his lips, the excitement gone, but whatever his initial reaction was, he tries to hide it from his scent. Dean thinks he's probably upset. Are they gonna go back home?

'No,' alpha says, and instead, leans in and hugs Dean. He moves closer and lightly kisses him on the lips, but it's still chaste and delicate. 'I want you to drive. Do you want to?'

'Hell yes,' Dean exhales, and alpha's lips turn up. 'I really can? Just you and me, driving? That's all that's gonna happen?'

'That's all,' Castiel confirms with a squeeze on Dean's arm. 

'Okay,' Dean puts the keys in the ignition. Okay, they're doing it. He's going to - drive. 'Okay. I - it's your car, though, I don't wanna mess it up-'

'You won't. I'll help you,' alpha leans back in his seat and Dean hates the compartment separating them. 'Keep your foot on the clutch, the other on the brake, just in case, alright?'

'Sure,' Dean does so and turns the key, and the car roars to life. Well, it doesn't quite roar - no modern cars do, but Dean can just imagine the way Impala would sound, how he could feel the sound reverberating in the interior. The radio turns on and Castiel finds some music station and keeps it low. 'Where, uh, where do I go?'

'Forward, and then we'll take a left,' Castiel instructs him, and Dean pulls away so slowly, the engine sputters and dies. Dean steps on the brake, terrified. 'It's okay, easy,' Castiel turns the keys again, but Dean's palms are sweating. 

'I don't think it's a good idea,' Dean says, panic climbing up his throat. 'I - I'm too stupid to do this. I'll mess up. I don't wanna mess up.'

'You're not stupid, and you can do this,' Castiel retorts calmly, and tilts the wheel to the left as Dean starts driving again, still so slowly. 'Just speed up a little. I know you'll remember how.'

They take the first turn left, and Dean exhales loudly as they manage to keep driving straight. Soon, a car appears, but it passes them by and Dean doesn't crash into it, so he figures it's not so bad. His muscles are all taut and the tension almost hurts, but he also... likes it. As soon as the first wave of terror is gone, he can focus on driving. He loves the easy glide of the wheels on the asphalt, he loves the way he turns his hands and the car responds, he loves passing by the houses and seeing them from this new perspective. He loves the freedom and the familiarity of it, and he surprises himself by laughing out loud.

'This is awesome!' he tells alpha and glances at him, and then glances once more, cause Castiel watches him with such a fond expression, Dean wants to see it again. 

'I knew you would've liked it,' Castiel replies and sounds damn satisfied with himself. Good, Dean thinks, he deserves it.

'I really loved driving, since always,' Dean explains. 'My dad taught me when I was just thirteen.'

'Thirteen?!' Castiel exclaims. He processes that for a while, longer than Dean's expected. Then, he says, and sounds astonished: 'Dean, you are... extraordinary.'

Dean snorts. 

'You manage to make all the fucked up things about me sound nice,' he says, but he's smiling. 'I liked it, even when I was a kid. It was useful sometimes. Sometimes trouble... followed us, and we had to leave quickly.'

'Well, that does not sound ominous at all,' Castiel concludes sarcastically. 'I have to admit I am increasingly curious about your past.'

'Yeah,' Dean replies, but doesn't want to say anything more, and prays that Castiel won't insist. He doesn't. 

'Did you only ever drive your car, the - the Impala?'

'You remember!' Dean grins, delighted. 'Yeah, only the Impala. But this car, I think it's nice too.' His hands brush the steering wheel, up and down. 'I missed this.'

Castiel matches his smile when Dean looks back again. They drive around - slowly, yes, but they _drive_ and Dean relishes in it - and make two rounds around the block. The music from the radio combined with the feeling of it, and with the way sunlight dyes Castiel's hair a lighter color, and his dimples show cause he's smiling so much, and Dean's just... he feels happy. He feels overjoyed.

'I wish we could just drive,' he says out of nowhere, excited, just cause he wants to share this. 'Like, you know, pedal to the metal, you and me, see the world, get away from other alphas and training centers and all that shit. Just drive, and not stop for miles.'

'Maybe one day - maybe one day, we should do that,' Castiel replies, and he sounds thoughtful. He sounds like it never really occurred to him, while Dean's been dreaming about something like that for ages. 

Dean parks in their usual spot and when he turns off the ignition, he stares at the keys longingly before handing them to alpha.

'Was this a one-time thing?' he asks sheepishly. 'Cause I can practice more, and maybe I could drive you to your work once, and then pick you up? I _swear_ I wouldn't go anywhere else.'

'Oh, I actually fully intended to get you an omega license, if you'd like that?' Castiel offers it like it's an everyday thing, and still sounds dubious, like Dean wouldn't want that more than most things in the world, like it wasn't something he gave up hope for years ago - 

Too emotional to speak, Dean leans forward and hugs alpha tightly. He feels Castiel stiffen, surprised, but then he hugs him back, of course. Cause that's what he does.

'I take that as a yes?' Castiel asks quietly, one hand moving up to brush Dean's hair. Dean hums in affirmation. He loves the warmth of alpha, he loves his scent, loves how soft his touch is on his head, loves the grey seats of this small modern Toyota and loves alpha's house behind his back, and loves this entire morning and loves alpha, so much. His heart is so full, he thinks it's going to burst. 

He lets go and blinks hard, to get rid of something in his eyes - not tears, definitely not tears, who cries when they're happy? - and then smiles. 

'This was the best surprise,' he tells alpha. 'Thank you.'

'You're welcome,' alpha smiles back. He looks thrilled, and he wasn't the one who just had one of his lifelong dreams come true. This man is unreal, Dean decides. 

'You already know I feel happy,' he says. 'But how do _you_ feel, alpha? Are you still okay with - with Charlie coming over?'

Alpha sighs, the smile slips from his face. 

'I, uh,' he lowers his gaze. 'I don't feel amazing, it's true. But I do feel much better, thanks to you, Dean. And I think Charlie coming over will help me.' He looks out of the window, stares at the road. 'It would be futile to try and keep her away, anyway. She's very... protective.'

'Oh,' oh, that's not so good. Dean didn't really have the energy to worry about Charlie, before, with everything going on. She seemed nice and Benny was nice to him, as well, so it probably won't be bad, but... he never thought about it much, but what if she thinks _he's_ not good enough for alpha? If she's so protective of him? What if she'll judge if he's been good for Castiel? He clearly wasn't. If she asks about sex, they haven't even had any in days. Alpha cooks for him, a lot, and cleans, sometimes. He's not even fulfilling his primary duties as an omega, and maybe alpha's okay with it, but is she gonna be? 

'Hey, whatever is going through your head right now- ' Castiel's deep voice startles him out of his dark thoughts. 'I don't want you to worry. Charlie's been beyond excited to meet you, and I think you two will like each other.'

Dean nods. Right. They exit the car and lock it, and head for the door, side by side. There's something on the porch besides the usual mail - a big brown box, some sort of package.

'Did you order anything, alpha?' Dean asks, opening the door. 

'No,' Castiel frowns and bends down to read the label. 'Oh, that's - oh. We should take this inside.'

He looks somber and way more serious and Dean feels a little scared, even though he doesn't know why. Alpha carries the box home and puts it on the table in the living room, and Dean steps away from it like it's full of bugs. 

'What is it?' he asks warily. Castiel reads the note attached to it, again and again, and then sighs heavily. He doesn't look at Dean. 

'It's just - it's the things, your things, from your old alpha's house,' Castiel replies, finally, sounding pained. 'I'm sorry, I didn't know they would send them after his death. But apparently, all of his possessions intended for you are my property, now. They're selling the house, so they sent the things I... inherited.'

'Oh,' Dean says and uncurls a little. That's not so bad, he doesn't know how he feels about that. 

'I don't know what to expect,' Castiel announces, staring at the box like it's going to explode. He turns around and holds out his arm. 'Please come here. I think we should do this together?'

Dean nods and takes the hand, and stands next to him. 

'I'm not scared,' he says, and that's new, but he thinks for whatever reason, alpha needs to hear it. 'I wanna see.'

Alpha gives him a tight smile. 

'Alright,' he peels off the tape and opens the box. The first thing they see is clothes.

'Oh, no way!' Dean takes it out gingerly. 'That's my shirt!'

He unfolds it and grins. It's a sweatshirt that was once blue, but that was years ago, when he first got it. Now it's a dirty grey, and it's threadbare on the sides and frayed at the neck. There's a long loose thread hanging from the right sleeve, right under a hole that would open no matter how many times he stitched it back, and it feels like a punch to the gut. It feels like a different life, but it was just a month ago - him lying on the floor next to alpha's bed, hearing alpha sleep, putting his thumb through the hole and pulling it back, wrapping the thread around it. Letting his mind drift, far, far away. Forgetting the hard floor under his back - that, he's used to; forgetting the pain in his ribs and the bruised elbow; forgetting how his stomach aches with dull pain cause he's so hungry; forgetting the cold, the shivers, when he pulls his bare legs up, almost to his chest, to keep some body heat. It was one of the lucky nights; alpha threw the shirt at him when he shoved him out of bed. He smiled a little, back then, he remembers. Cause one layer was already good, and the shirt meant comfort.

If Castiel kicked him out of bed and just threw a shirt at him, now, Dean thinks he'd feel heartbroken. He might even mope around the next day. That's how much has changed. It's both impossible and way too easy to forget his past life. It doesn't make sense, but that's how it is.

On a whim, he presses his nose to the shirt and inhales. He can smell Alastair, but he can also smell his old house, and it's not all bad, which throws him for a loop. It's something he knows, and it soothes him, though why, he can't comprehend. Twenty years in that house, but it was his house, he knew it to the very last nail. Whether he likes it or not, it was half of his life.

'Is that blood?' Castiel asks weakly and Dean's eyes snap to his. He watches Dean curiously, but he's pale. 

'Oh, yeah,' Dean finds the offending stain, around the middle. 'Couldn't get it off. Some blood stains are a bitch to clean. But I tried,' he grimaces and shrugs. Alpha doesn't look reassured. Dean puts the shirt aside. Next up are pants, and they're in a similar condition. Dean folds them cautiously. Then, his windbreaker. 

'Yes!' he grins. This is not bad at all, it's almost like getting a Christmas present. He thinks. 'I was so happy to get this one,' he tells alpha excitedly. 'It was so warm when I first got it. It was after I had pneumonia and the docs at the center told Alastair to get me one for our first winter together.'

'This-' Castiel touches the sleeve gingerly. 'Lasted you twenty years?'

'Yep,' Dean smiles, proud of himself. 'The clothes you got me are much nicer, though. I'll make'em last forever! I'm really good at not taking up resources and stuff, I promise.'

Castiel purses his lips and looks upset. Dean's smile falters, but he's too busy to worry. He remembers his secret stash and puts his hand in the pocket. It's still there, and he can't help a grin.

'Look! I can't believe they haven't checked the pockets before they sent it,' he grabs a handful and shows it to alpha. 'I kept it just in case!'

Alpha stares at his hands; at the ten tiny packets of sugar he "stole" from any cafeteria he was in, getting Alastair coffee.

'What did you need sugar for?' Castiel asks carefully, and Dean frowns. Something's really off about alpha.

'When I wasn't getting food for long, I could always eat one of these. Energy boost,' he smiles. 'They were free, so I got some whenever I saw them, for later. They really helped, especially post-heat. I'd get really weak, then.'

'Huh,' Castiel chokes out a reply and turns around abruptly. Dean's a little wounded cause he thought alpha could say something nice like he often does, like that it was a good idea or something, but then Dean remembers that he's an _alpha_. He's probably not happy to hear that Dean was sneaking sugar behind his alpha's back, cheating during the no food punishment. Dean puts the sugar back in the pocket and wrings his empty hands. 

'I won't do it here,' he whispers to Castiel's back. 'Not anymore. You treat me so well, I deserve any punishment you give me, so I'll never cheat, I swear. Promise.'

'Dean-' Castiel turns around quickly, and Dean's surprised to see his eyes are a little teary. Fuck. 

'Did I disappoint you?' Dean asks, his stomach turning in fear. 'I'm sorry.'

'No, no,' Castiel wipes a hand over his eyes. 'You didn't disappoint me. And I told you, I will never punish you. I was just sad to hear what you've been through,' he chuckles, but there's nothing happy in it. 'Sometimes I think I have an idea of what your life was like, but then you tell me something and I'm - I feel like I'm in the dark again. I feel like - I want us to live a normal life, but I feel like I'll never be able to help you understand you deserve everything.'

Dean watches him with wide eyes, trying to understand. But he thinks he does. He thinks he really does. Alpha hates that Dean expects him to do the same things as Alastair. He picks up the sweatshirt and hands it to Castiel. 

'Can you smell me on it?'

Castiel sniffs. 

'Yes -' he says, and frowns. 'But it's a little different.'

'Yeah, it's sadder,' Dean explains, and takes the shirt back. 'The last night before Alastair died, he pushed me out of bed. He did that most of the time, we rarely slept together,' he folds the shirt methodically. 'He threw this shirt at me, which meant I could put it on and keep it on all night. And that made me grateful,' he inhales, and looks up, ready to face alpha. Castiel's eyes are sorrowful and his mouth is turned down, and he smells so depressing. 'If _you_ did that to me, I, I t-think I'd be a little sad instead.'

Castiel looks surprised, but in a good way; the smile that appears on his face is kind of wobbly, but it's there, and he takes a step closer and embraces Dean. Dean leans into it greedily, rubs his face against alpha's neck and then bares his. He doesn't know what it means; sometimes, more often now, his body does weird things when he's close to alpha, but they feel right. This does, too. 

Castiel kisses the offered neck softly, and they turn around to face the box together, holding hands, pressed against each other. 

'We had a nice morning, and I hate that he's destroying it,' Castiel mumbles, and it sounds so petulant, Dean almost wants to laugh.

'I liked seeing my clothes,' Dean tells him. 'It's not bad, somehow. I dunno why.'

'But we haven't unpacked the rest,' Castiel sighs. 'Alright, let's finish it.'

He reaches inside, and this time, Dean doesn't like what he picks up. It's his cock cage, and he shudders at the sight of it. 

'We're getting rid of that,' Castiel informs him and puts it to the left. 

'You're sure?' Dean whispers, but instead of hiding away from alpha, he hides in his embrace. His cheeks are flaming, though, he _hates_ being so exposed, and just the sight of the cage in alpha's hands makes him wish he could fucking disappear. 'Cause you might change your mind and use it later, and it's yours, now-'

'We're never using it, Dean,' alpha declares, and it's the alpha voice. It's the first time Dean's glad to hear it, and that surprises him. He never thought alpha voice could mean something good. 

Next up, there's his collar. It's so worn out, Dean often worried it would break, but it never did. It was a thick, once black, now greyish leather band. It chafed during the summer and felt too tight until it stretched from all the times Alastair grabbed him by it. Now, he watches as Castiel turns it around and there it is, the words stamped into the leather. He feels his stomach sink in shame; he can't believe he forgot about it.

_property of alastair_ , the letters spell. Castiel runs his fingers over them; they used to shine gold when Dean first got it and he refused to wear it, and then Alastair caught him trying to cut the letters with a kitchen knife, but one lesson later he knew not to do that ever again. But the paint was gone after the first year, and by then Dean was already ignoring it. He's pretty sure Alastair forgot about it, too; he used to tease him, but that was back when Dean was barely trained. Back when he cared about what his collar looked like, not about just having it on.

It's stupid, but Dean thinks that those last years, he'd actually be happy if Alastair gave him something that was a sign of ownership. He knew he was worth less than dirt, but when Alastair started visiting the brothels, leaving the house for a week or more, Dean felt even more useless than usual. Which was idiotic, cause he should've been happy that he was left alone. And he was relieved, yeah, but... he was also disappointed.

'I'm sorry,' Castiel says, his voice hollow in the sudden silence.

'S'ok,' Dean replies and shrugs. He doesn't get it. Nothing makes sense anymore, _nothing._ And he didn't even think about any of this back at Alastair's. It was easier and for a split second he _wishes_ he was back, curled up on the floor, the next day easy and predictable. Alastair wasn't; no one ever knew what he was going to do, including dying in a bar fire, as it turned out; but Dean knew his tasks. He knew what he was going to make for breakfast, he knew where to kneel, to stay quiet, which shirt to iron for the day. He knew what it meant if Alastair tapped his arm before leaving to work; he knew he could fully relax when Alastair was gone, just sit on the couch and stare ahead for a while, like he sometimes did, like he sometimes needed. 

He didn't wonder what he deserved; he didn't wonder what he wanted. He yearned for something, sometimes, but that was just it, daydreaming, nothing else. He didn't need to take chances. As long as he was good, and he knew how to be good, he didn't need to wonder.

'Dean?' Castiel asks and squeezes him tighter, putting the collar to the left; Dean notices. 'Do you want to talk about it?'

'No,' Dean retorts. But Castiel keeps staring at him. 'I don't know. I liked it,' he blurts out, hating himself. 'But I hated it, too.'

'Did you hate it first, and liked it later?' Castiel asks slowly, like he's trying to get to the bottom of it. 'Or at the same time?'

'No. Tried to destroy it, first,' Dean explains, cause he wants alpha to know that he didn't just accept that like a little bitch. 'But later - later, I -'

'Yes?'

Dean sags in his embrace. It's stupid and he doesn't wanna talk about it anymore.

'Nevermind,' he says, final, and hopes alpha will get that there's nothing to add.

_there's too much to add,_ his brain supplies, _tell him. tell him the problem is that there's too much of everything._

_No,_ Dean thinks, he already said that days ago. 

'Dean, if you don't want to talk, that's fine,' Castiel tells him cautiously. 'But I want you to know that we have better things than this to announce the world that we're mates. Like our bites.'

'I got more than one bite, now,' Dean murmurs. 'Hardly counts.'

'We also have our rings,' Castiel shows him his finger with the gold band. 'They mean you're mine, and I'm yours.'

That's true. Alastair never wore the ring, but Castiel does, everyday. Like it means something to him. _Of course it does!!!!!!_ something inside him screams insistently, _he keeps telling you it does!!_

_Shut up,_ Dean thinks.

'Let's see what else is there?' he asks quietly, and alpha nods instantly. There's Dean's car magazine. It's ruined already, but he takes it from alpha and flips it open, knowing every page by heart. 

'Here,' he points to page 42, a big photo of a red Mustang. 'This one was my favourite. I must've spent hours just staring at it. Well, not at once, but you know. It's not better than the Impala, nothing is, but I thought it'd make a good getaway car.'

He sees Castiel stare at him as he runs his hand down the once-glossy page. It doesn't hurt the way it used to, he realizes. Strange.

He puts the magazine on top of his folded clothes; to the right. He hopes he'll convince alpha, somehow, that they should keep those things. 

Some other stuff comes out of the box as alpha unpacks it systematically - jeans for when he was outside, his only pair of socks and only pair of boxers, his too-small shoes, an ancient T-shirt he didn't think Alastair kept. They must've taken everything from the cardboard box where Alastair had his things, cause his toothbrush is missing. But there's some things that he hasn't seen in a long while; a leash, which Castiel quickly puts to the left with palpable disgust; heat pills, even though Dean stopped having heats a long time ago. He can't stop a gasp at the sight of them; he backs away. The red package brings back too many bad memories, but alpha shushes him and pulls him closer. 

'We're throwing them away,' he assures Dean and plants a kiss on his head. 'Never again.'

Dean nods shakily, his fingers flexing in Castiel's tight grip, needing contact. 

'I think we're almost done,' alpha declares, and he's right. There's nothing else except for an old postcard and Dean smiles when he sees it. He remembers that evening; the air heavy with heat, fans spinning relentlessly in the tiny old office of the motel they stayed at. Alastair almost never took him outside of the city, but that one time they had to travel, and Dean stood demurely behind him as he booked them a room. Something caught his eye; a rack of free postcards from different states, dusty and yellowing like no one's been touching them for a long time. Alastair saw him looking and Dean flinched and dropped his eyes, but, maybe because Dean navigated the whole way and didn't fuck up in days, he asked the clerk:

'These are free, yes?'

And when the clerk muttered an affirmation, he told Dean:

'Take one, pet.'

So Dean did, his hands trembling and waiting for a crack! and the pain that would follow, but none came. Alastair just stood there with an amused, tired smile, and when they went to their room, down a hall with a stained brown carpet and an ugly wallpaper, Alastair tugged the postcard from his grip. 

'California?' he asked, still sounding amused. 'You miss the sun, pet? Could have you naked everywhere, you'd get tanned,' his hand snaked under Dean's shirt and he trembled. Dean knew he was never going to California. They both knew it, and Alastair's flippant attitude only made it harder to swallow. 'You're always so pale, like a ghost.'

'Sorry, alpha,' Dean replied, head down, wanting to move away from the cold fingers resting on his lower back. 

'Don't be,' Alastair said and he grinned, something dangerous beneath the surface, despite the long drive and the weariness they felt when they checked in. 'I like you this way. Can see all my marks on you,' he squeezed Dean's hip and held it, and Dean already felt it bruise. But he paid it no mind cause alpha was handing him the postcard back. 

'I - I can k-keep it?' Dean whispered then, his hands shaking in the air. He knew Alastair loved it, the smell of fear and uncertainty, and he smirked, like Dean had said something stupid yet undeniably cute.

'Yes, you can keep it, idiot,' Alastair replied, rolling his eyes, as if he hadn't previously given him things only to take them away. Dean hugged the postcard to his chest. 

He thanked alpha as they stopped in front of their door. Later, when he was lying next to the bed, unable to sleep on the stained old linoleum of the run down motel room, he gaped at every detail of the postcard in the dim moonlight. He remembers carrying it around for the whole trip, and then alpha finally taking it back to the box when they came home, but he didn't forbid Dean from taking it out whenever he wanted. 

But it's been years, and he forgot. He puts the postcard to the right. 

Castiel looks like he wants to ask, but eventually, he doesn't. What he does do is look inside the package, and he must see something because he picks it up and takes it out, and it's -

Dean's halfway across the room before he even realizes what he's looking at, and he's shaking worse than ever. He crouches on the floor next to the couch and covers his eyes.

'Dean-' Castiel's concerned, he can smell, but alpha doesn't understand, they can't touch it -

'It's the bad box,' he tells alpha quickly. He won't know, he doesn't know what it means. He hears alpha set it down and come closer. 

'What's a bad box?' alpha asks slowly and kneels next to him, just an arm's reach away. 'Dean-'

'I'm not looking, I'm not looking,' Dean says and puts a second hand over his eyes, just in case. 'Not looking, never saw, I won't touch it I swear-'

'You don't have to touch it,' Castiel's hand lands on Dean's bent knee and he whimpers, but doesn't move away. 'Just please tell me what's going on.'

Dean tries to breathe, but it's harder now, because he hasn't seen the bad box in years. He's not sure where alpha kept it, but they must've known it was meant for him, somehow, cause they sent it. 

'Nothing bad is happening,' alpha promises. At least this time around, Dean can hear him fine, and he doesn't think he'll pass out. 'You don't want to touch the box?'

'I _can't_ touch it!' Dean explains, terrified. 'I can't look at it. I'm not allowed.'

'It's okay,' Castiel's hand pets his knee softly. 'Do you know what's inside?'

Dean shakes his head violently. 

'He said what's inside, it'd hurt me real bad,' Dean tries to explain. He really wants alpha to know what's up but he doesn't know how to say it. 'He s-said... he said I couldn't touch it, and I did, just once, I was cleaning the closet and I just moved it, I didn't look inside, I swear - but he was so mad, it's a rule, top ten, can't touch the box.'

'Then you won't touch the box,' alpha promises. 'Can you please look at me?'

Dean shakes his head. He can't, he can't.

'You won't see the box,' alpha tells him. 'It's behind me.'

They stay silent for a moment, Dean trying to breathe normally, until he finally mans up and uncovers his eyes. He looks down, but alpha tilts his head up gently until their eyes meet and he smiles, though it's sad. 

'I had to b-beg him not to open it, last time,' Dean admits, looking away again. 'He said what's in there, it's gonna hurt more than anything, and he asked me if I really wanted him to go get it. I begged him not to and he didn't, but it was a close call,' Dean wipes his eyes and inhales. 'I'm scared.'

'It's okay.'

'No, it's not, I haven't seen the bad box in too long, I forgot -  I wasn't supposed to see it, that's bad, that's so bad, now-'

He trails off and frowns a little. 

'Now what?' Castiel asks warmly, and that's exactly what Dean's thinking.

'I don't know.'

'He's dead, baby, he won't do _anything,_ ' Castiel gets up and holds out a hand to Dean. 'You could throw this box around the room and he wouldn't be able to even scold you for it.'

Dean takes the hand and shakily tries to get up. He ends up kind of leaning on alpha. 

'Yeah,' he says in return, but when he glances at the table and sees the box, a jolt goes through him and it feels like electricity, and he has to look down again. 

'Shh,' alpha says and cards a hand through his hair. 'I have to open it, to see if we're throwing it away. But you don't have to look.'

Dean thinks of what Alastair would say, of what he would do if he caught him opening the box, and even imagining him dead doesn't help. Maybe he could still teach him a lesson in a dream. With a knife. 

'I don't wanna look. Please,' he looks up at alpha, distraught, but alpha just nods in acceptance, he doesn't judge him. 

'That's okay,' he says. 'Stand here and keep looking at the carpet, honey, and I'll be right back and it'll be done.'

'Okay,' Dean replies nervously and stares down. He stands still as alpha moves forward and he hears a click as the bad box opens, and then there's just a long pause, and the scent of confusion. 

'I don't really know what all this is,' Castiel's frown can be heard in his voice. 'It's a - a necklace, I suppose, and an old wallet, a military watch - oh, maybe he thought he could do damage with this. But it's just a knife, Dean, it's nothing extraordinary-'

Dean frowns, too, because all of this sounds familiar. Besides, what's the point of hiding all that crap?

'Do you recognize this?' alpha asks dubiously, comes up to him and Dean risks a glance up. 

It's his amulet. He grabs it before he can think and stares at it. Then, rushes to the box, all the fear forgotten. 

'That's my stuff,' he says, holding up his wallet, the object feeling just _right_ in his hand in some horrible, odd way, and he feels tears run down his cheeks. He wrenches it open and there's the photo of him, Sammy, dad and mom in front of their old house.

'Look,' he almost shoves it in alpha's face. Castiel takes the photo gingerly, and he looks bewildered. 'That's my family,' Dean wipes his eyes, his hands shake so much, when he picks up his watch, it falls to the table. He doesn't care. The knife is the knife dad got him, of course - and there's his ring and his bracelets, and a box of matches, and his old phone... 

'Do you think we could turn it on?' he asks, turning to alpha, pressing the call button on his Nokia. 'D-do you think we could turn it on?'

'Dean-' alpha puts down the photo, the photo of his family, a family he lost ages ago and he never expected to see again. Castiel looks alarmed but Dean doesn't understand why. That's great news, right? His stuff is back. His stuff was right there, all these years. Almost within his reach.

'Do you think we could turn it on?' he starts saying again, and distantly, he knows he already asked, he knows he's repeating himself, but he can't stop, he doesn't feel so good. 'Do you-'

'Yes,' Castiel interrupts him, closes his hands around Dean's, around the phone. 'Come sit down, Dean.'

'No,' Dean turns around to the box, the bad box. 'Maybe there's more. Maybe-'

'Sit, Dean,' Castiel uses the alpha voice and Dean sobs and shakes his head, but alpha holds him and leads him to the couch, and forces him to sit down. 'Your head between your knees,' he pushes Dean's head down, gently but insistently, and Dean complies. Castiel moves and Dean grabs at him.

'Don't go,' he begs. 

'I'm not going anywhere,' Castiel replies calmly and kneels so that he's eye-level with Dean. He rubs his back, so so close, but he doesn't smell calm. He smells murderous and devastated.

'Sorry I didn't listen,' Dean whispers fervently, still clutching at alpha. 'Sorry I touched the box-'

'I'm not mad at you,' Castiel promises. 'I wish Alastair was alive, so that I could kill him.'

The words sound so cold, so unlike Castiel that Dean flinches. But he's not scared. There's just too much, too much of everything-

'I know,' Castiel whispers and Dean realizes he must've been saying that out loud. 'I know, sweetheart, do you have a nice memory?'

'A what?' Dean huffs, his breath warming his knees. 

'A nice memory, of something you did before, with your family, perhaps?' Castiel continues, the circles rubbed into Dean's back finally starting to feel comforting. 'Find one nice memory. Close your eyes and think about it.'

That's dumb and Dean hates it, that's some emo shit shrinks always make you do, but Castiel's not a shrink, he's wicked smart and he's right there even though Dean's freaking out, even though he's a burden, so Dean tries for him. 

A nice memory is easy, somehow. It's them just this morning. Dean sees the car, sees alpha so happy and relaxed. It's not like in the movies, that he just sees himself in an entire scene, blissful and all, like he teleported back or something. But he can see it like a snapshot, and even though it's not easy to focus on it, he tries and it makes him feel a tiny bit better. 

'What are you thinking about?' Castiel asks and he's smiling, and his hands move to comb through Dean's hair. Dean loves it every single time, no one ever touched him that way before alpha. It's sensitive and it makes him unwind, his muscles go slack. 'Something you did with your brother?'

'You and me and the car,' Dean mumbles, and somehow, it must be the best thing to say, cause Castiel's smile grows and it's startled and surprised. His scent changes too.

They stay in silence for a moment longer, alpha touching him, Dean trying to calm down. 

'All these things, they were yours before Alastair,' Castiel says, finally. It's not really a question but Dean nods anyway. 

'The cops took them when they found me,' he explains. 'I thought they just threw them away. Why would he keep them in that - in that box?' Dean looks up at alpha and hopes he'll tell him, hopes he'll make it make sense.

'I think he had to keep them, as do I,' Castiel replies, sounding regretful. 'When we got married and I signed the papers, there was a clause that mentioned that I would become the owner of your belongings. At the time I just assumed it meant belongings you'd bring with you, but you didn't bring anything. That's why they sent it now.'

'But why wouldn't Alastair just sell my stuff? The phone had to be worth something, and there's still like six bucks in my wallet.'

'I think he couldn't,' Castiel muses, like he's trying to remember something. 'I think the belongings from before are owned by the state. For the time being, I keep them, but once you go back to the center, they belong to the state and then to the next alpha, and so on. I should not be able to get rid of them. I think there's a penalty - if you'd let me, I'd go look for the papers and check-'

'No, please,' Dean's hold on alpha tightens. He doesn't want to be left alone, not even for a moment. 'We can look later. Please.'

'Of course,' Castiel replies easily and Dean loves him for it a little bit more. 

'But he told me not to look,' Dean whispers and glances at the phone that Castiel put next to him. 'He told me it was gonna hurt, ' he snorts humorlessly. 'That's a sick joke, even for him.'

Castiel gets up and sits down next to him, and Dean burrows into his side in an instant. Alpha shushes him but Dean feels broken, he feels split open and raw, because that's - that's a new level even for Alastair. Playing him all these years, getting a sick kick out of Dean cowering away from a simple box, a box that held his own things. Laughing at whatever Dean imagined was inside. Threatening him with opening it -

'I hate him,' Dean sobs into Castiel's coat. 'I hate him, I hate him.'

'Me too,' Castiel holds him tighter, holds him as he cries. 

'I wish you were my first alpha,' Dean says, his voice breaking, staring at a big brown button of alpha's trench coat, his sight blurry with tears. 'My only alpha. Now I'll never be okay and you'll think it's your fault, but it's not. It's just me. I'm all used up.'

Alpha smells sad but also determined, and he pushes Dean away just a little and gazes at him sternly.

'No, Dean, you're not,' he declares and he sounds so sure of himself. 'Forget about him. He's gone forever. We won't let him win. You won, you're still here and you're going to be happy.'

Dean stares at him, no doubt looking pitiful with tears smeared all over his face and red-rimmed eyes. But he's a little hopeful. Just a tiny bit, but alpha says it like he believes it.

'Now,' Castiel gets up and makes Dean stand up, too. 'It's time to throw some of these things away.' 

'Only some, though?' Dean asks warily and sniffs as he wipes his tears. They go back to the table. Dean feels vacant as he looks at the bad box.

'What do you want to keep?'

Dean gestures to the right side, timidly. 

'I thought so,' alpha rubs a hand down his back. 'We can keep all of this, honey, but you don't have to wear these old clothes anymore. Unless you want to.'

Dean nods and he takes the pile in his arms, feeling a little more grounded. 

'And your things, of course, are yours again,' Castiel takes everything out of the box and puts the left-side things into the container they arrived in. 'You can put them in your drawer, but we'll make more space for you in the wardrobe soon, alright?' 

'Sure,' Dean takes his phone, his ring, bracelet, matches, watch, wallet, knife - all of it - and on top of it, the amulet Sammy once gave him, and balancing the pile in his arms, goes upstairs. He hears alpha sigh heavily, but doesn't stop. Once in the bedroom, he hides everything in his drawer and sits on their bed, staring at the windows and not thinking about anything. 

Until the doorbell rings. 

_for whom the bell tolls,_ Dean thinks out of nowhere, and the guitar riffs he knows by heart follow. Sounds sinister, but he smiles. That's something the old Dean would say. Not Alastair's, not Castiel's, not anyone's. 

'Dean! Come down when you're ready,' alpha calls, but Dean's always ready, so he casts a glance at himself in the mirror - the tears have dried and he looks sad but mostly normal - and he runs downstairs. He stops by the door and kneels in his spot, but Castiel shakes his head and lifts him back up. 

'Charlie's an alpha,' Dean protests quietly. 

'She'd have my head if she saw you kneel, Dean,' Castiel rubs his arm and takes his hand, and goes to open the door. Dean follows reluctantly and alpha turns the doorknob.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so. been a long break! hit a writers block, then wrote this chapter in like one sitting. i waited cause i wanted to post it with the next part, when charlie visits, but i hated the way that next part came out so i deleted it and now i'm rewriting it, so it'll take a while to update. have this part, instead, it's already like 10K long. it might not be the most progressive plot wise but i feel like it is some mental progress, for them, and i actually enjoyed writing it! hope you like it as well. dean has some nicer things coming. let me know what you think!
> 
> as always, thanks for all the support! i'm overwhelmed in the best way! :)) <3


	21. Chapter 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> timeline: part 2 of day 12 (05/08)

'Hello-' 

'Jesus I was so worried about you-' is all Dean hears before alpha's trapped in a bear hug by a girl who's half his size. 'Are you okay?'

Castiel grimaces and shrugs awkwardly, and Charlie, a perky redhead who smells like an alpha but looks way too friendly to be one, notices Dean. 

'Hey,' she says, and she sounds relieved, Dean thinks. He drops his eyes. 'It's so nice to meet you!' 

She steps in and then suddenly, raises her hand, and fuck - it was the kneeling, or she knows he's been bad before; he flinches and takes a hurried step away, his back hits the wall, so much for being friendly-

'Charlie!' Castiel exclaims and Dean flinches again, and curls in on himself. Alpha's not mad at him, though, Dean realizes astonished; he's by his side in a second and wraps an arm around him, protectively.

'I-I'm sorry,' Charlie takes a step back too. Dean glances up and she looks shaken. 'I was just gonna hug you. I hug everyone, I'm so sorry, Dean. I was just so worried about you.'

'Are you okay?' Castiel asks Dean gently. Dean nods. 

'W-why-' he rasps, then clears his throat. 'Why were you worried about me, ma'am?'

Charlie looks surprised, now, but not hostile, and she slowly closes the front door behind her. 

'Well, I know Castiel freaking exiled you without explaining a thing,' she shoots alpha an accusatory glance. 'And I heard from Benny how freaked out you were and dude, I would've been losing it if I were you. So I just worried that you felt bad, later on.'

What does it matter how he feels? Dean frowns. Maybe she's asking if he had any ideas about really leaving alpha, once he offered. Dean's not sure how much she knows, but she and alpha were on the phone after Dean came home, so.

'We talked,' Castiel replies. 'And Dean decided he wanted to stay. And we had a nice walk in the park yesterday.'

'Yeah, we ate hot dogs and saw ducks!' Dean smiles a little. He wants to boast cause alpha treats him so well. Maybe that'll show her that alpha thinks he's... satisfactory. She seems kind of thrown off, but returns the smile slowly. Dean feels stupid anyway.

'Sounds like a dream date. Why are you guys wearing coats? Are we going out?'

'Oh,' Castiel looks down at himself. Dean forgot too. With the box and everything that happened, he just didn't pay attention. He takes off the coat, now, hastily, and puts it on the hanger, and then his collar. Castiel follows suit. Charlie watches them confused.

'We just came back from a drive,' Castiel finally explains, and she nods in understanding. 'Come on, let's go to the living room.'

Charlie glances around and steps into the living room, but once she gets a good look, she stops and gasps. 'What the hell! What happened to this place?!' 

Dean feels a surge of panic. But it still looks spotless, so what-

'Nothing,' Castiel replies, though, quickly - a little too quickly. 'It's just clean.'

'Uh, yeah, that's an understatement,' Charlie stares at the room, seemingly shocked. 'I've only been here a few times, but you couldn't even see the other end, there was so much shit everywhere. Books, clothes-'

'Okay, alright,' Castiel stops her, and Dean can smell that he's embarrassed. 'I wasn't as good at maintaining order as I am now. Can we-'

'It looked like this when I arrived,' Dean says before he really understands. Alpha cleaned for his arrival. Alpha made the house look nice _for him_.

Charlie's eyes widen and she grins. 'I just assumed it was all your work, Dean,' then, she looks at Castiel. 'Good job, man.'

It doesn't sound mocking and Dean turns to alpha. 

'You cleaned for me?' he asks, his cheeks flushing pink.

'Of course. I wanted your new home to be well-kept and i-inviting,' alpha says but he stutters and he's blushing a little, too. Dean smiles, dazed, and grabs his hand. 

'Alright, Castiel, can you make me some coffee?' Charlie asks, but she looks happy, even if a little awkward, when they startle and look back at her. 'I want to get to know Dean better.'

Alpha nods and moves to go to the kitchen, but Dean holds onto him and leans in to whisper in his ear, panicked:

'That doesn't mean sex right?'

'No,' Castiel kisses his cheek and Dean flushes even harder. 'It just means talking. I'll be right here.'

'Okay,' Dean says and lingers there even when alpha goes to the kitchen. They can still see each other in the open space, but Dean's a little scared. Finally, he turns around and manages a tight smile at Charlie, who looks kind of nervous as well, sitting down by the coffee table with her hands wrapped around her middle.

'Sorry, ma'am,' Dean sits down facing her. 

'It's all good,' she says, waving her hand. 'Please try to call me Charlie, okay? Even Charles. I hate it but I can grant you an exclusive license to use it.'

'Okay, Ch-Charlie,' Dean tries. 

'So how are you, Dean?' she asks and leans forward, her elbows on her knees.

'I'm okay,' Dean assures her in the strained silence. God, this is awkward. 

Charlie must think so too, because when a couple more seconds pass and neither of them says anything, she sighs and runs a hand through her long red hair, and she seems rigid with nerves.

'Look, I'm just gonna get it out of the way,' she says slowly, staring at the table. 'I know this must be a huge change for you. And for Castiel, it was, too - when he first got the news, he was pretty freaked out. I hoped he'd get it right, but-'

'But what?' Dean asks, his mouth suddenly dry. _but you weren't good enough for him._

'But it's so much better than I hoped! You're amazing for him,' Charlie says and Dean blinks, stunned. She's staring at him, now, earnestly. 'We all see it, at work. The guy actually smiles! He comes to work smiling, he looks... lighter, I know him for years but I've never seen him this happy.'

'Really?' Dean's so pleased, he can't help a smile that spreads across his face. 'I mean, I'm trying-'

'I know you do, and it _works,_ ' she waits for the words to have some effect on him, apparently. He nods and ducks his head, but he's still thrilled. An alpha from the outside says that she _sees_ that he does a good job as an omega. 'But I also know you've been through some shit, and I wanna know if _you're_ happy too. Cause if you're not,' she leans closer and turns serious. 'You gotta tell him, dude. Even something small that bothers you, you gotta tell him. I know he's dorky, but he's a good guy, I promise you, and he's gonna listen to you.'

Dean glances at her. Her scent turns to one of concern, and there's nothing vile in it, nor in her expression. She really cares, Dean thinks astounded, another alpha who cares, like Castiel, like Benny. 

'I'm okay,' Dean smiles slowly. 'I really am, ma'am, Charlie. Alpha's cool. He does listen to me, I know it.'

'Great,' Charlie smiles too, but her eyes linger on Dean and he feels uncomfortable. 'He's not too rough with you, is he?'

'What?' Dean frowns. 'No way, he's like the nicest person I know!'

'I know-' Charlie rushes to say. 'I know he wouldn't hurt you, not on purpose. But in bed? Cause you sport some hardcore sex scratches, and-'

'Oh,' Dean's hands immediately go to his neck and he covers the scratches, embarrassed. He thought it faded enough not to really draw attention, but maybe he's just too used to being marked up.

'It's okay to tell him to go easy when you mate, alright?' Charlie tells him gently, almost whispers. 'I know some alphas are dicks straight out of horndog hell, but Castiel's not. I promise you it's okay to sit down and talk to him about it-'

_oh god can she stop_

'No, it's - seriously,' Dean feels like his face is on fire. 'I - it's not from sex. I did that to myself, it was an accident. Alpha put some nice cream on it and stuff. It's all good. He'd never -' yeah, Dean can't even imagine his collected alpha going so sex-wild that he'd leave scratches and bruises but - now that he has thought about it, it's not - not exactly scary. Or unpleasant. Not at all. The slow gentle sex was so different and so great that Dean never even considered the other option - alpha going totally feral, just using him, his touch turning hot and invasive instead of warm and comforting, and it shocks him to his core that it's not bad. Maybe with Castiel, that would be different too.

'So...' Charlie stops his train of thought and he's grateful for it, even though he startles. 'You guys talked about mating?'

'Yeah, we have,' why is she so insistent about it? Dean wonders if alpha told her something. 

'Great. I don't mean to be a creep, I swear. It's just... I know where you come from, but things are never gonna be the same with Castiel. He's just not like that.'

'I know,' Dean says. 

'Either way, I'm glad you stayed after that whole shitshow with his parents. He was wrong to send you off like that, but he cares.'

'I know,' Dean repeats. He wishes he could tell her that he's not mad at alpha, but it didn't feel okay, what happened. But now it's better. Really he expected her to say something like, _be glad he let you go back home,_ but that was before he met her.

'But Dean, if anything goes wrong, talk to him-' she hesitates and glances at Castiel who stands in the kitchen and can't even hear them over the whirring of the coffee machine. 'Don't just pretend to be okay. To be happy.'

'I _am_ happy,' Dean swears, a little nervous. 'I'm good.'

Charlie looks torn, like maybe she wants the _good_ to mean different good than it does; whatever, Dean thinks, a little irritated, today's been too much already, and it's barely past noon.

'And how's our guy holding up?' she changes the topic and Dean's grateful for it.

'He's sad,' Dean shrugs, kind of defensive. 'But he has the right to be.'

'Sure, that's why I'm here to try and help you cheer him up,' Charlie replies gently. 'I'm not sure if I won't mess up,' she admits suddenly, and Dean's baffled, cause she looks small and unsure when she hugs her knees. 'Not that I can tell him that, so I'm telling you. But he's a great friend. And I was so sad to hear about everything that happened, you know. He told me about his Corleone family a long time ago, and it cost him a lot, so now, this- there's not really much to say to comfort him, it was insane-'

'I talked to him too,' Dean says, feeling more at ease. Because she - an alpha - is talking about her insecurities? To _him_? 'And I hope - I mean, I know I'm just an omega, and we've only been together for a month. But I hope some of what I said will mean something to him. Maybe _cause_ I am an omega. And - I think -' he hesitates, but Charlie just looks so anxious, he kind of wants to comfort her. 'I think you being here, ma'am, is a good thing for alpha, too.'

Charlie sends him a surprised, grateful smile and for some reason, Dean feels more confident. He feels like he managed to behave less like the beaten down abused omega she expected to see, and somehow it makes him feel brave. 

Castiel chooses that moment to come over with coffee.

'What are you talking about?' he asks and sits on the arm of the chair Dean's on, and embraces him with one hand. Dean leans into his side happily. This is _heaven._

'I was just gonna tell Dean about your grand performance at Becky's,' Charlie teases a little weakly, and Castiel groans. Dean perks up, interested.

'What happened?' he asks, looking up at alpha.

'It's not-' Castiel starts reluctantly, but Charlie interrupts him, gaining energy as she talks.

'It was like, three years ago? We had a party, Becky's birthday - that's our coworker, and she's _crazy_ \- and your husband assured us that "alcohol doesn't affect him" and then proceeded to get shitfaced drunk and went on to sing Bohemian Rhapsody at karaoke.'

Dean's eyes widen and he flicks his gaze between Charlie and alpha.

'Were you good?' he asks.

'I was excellent,' Castiel replies but Charlie protests 'No!', laughing, at the same time. 

'The best part was,' Charlie keeps saying excitedly, 'That he stood there all serious, in his work suit of all things, and started really, you know, quiet and pitiful. But then bam!', she slaps her knee for emphasis, 'He freaking belts out the mama part, top of his lungs, and then he totally pours his heart into it, I'm telling you. I wish there was a video.'

Dean laughs imagining it. He can't really believe his serious (sweet) alpha did that, and sometimes, he thinks that he's only beginning to know him and there might be another person underneath the stiffness and slight awkwardness. 

'I am no match for Queen,' Castiel admits. 'But then again, no one is.'

'I think that was awesome,' Dean grins up at him. 'Wish I'd seen it.'

'I'm afraid I only sing when I'm dangerously intoxicated, Dean,' alpha shakes his head. 

'Yeah, sadly, that was a once-in-a-lifetime thing for Castiel here,' Charlie sighs. 'Maybe you'll come to some of our work parties with him and bring out his inner 70s rockstar again.'

Dean just smiles. He thinks about the future they have ahead of them - actually accompanying Castiel and seeing him somewhere else than at home, like at work-

'Are we still going to your work tomorrow?' he asks. 

'Of course, if you want to,' Castiel's thumb caresses his neck and Dean barely suppresses a shudder. 

'Would be great to have you around, Dean,' Charlie smiles. 'It's nothing too exciting, but Castiel has his own office. Comfy couch, big desk, I hang around when I can, much nicer than my tiny cubicle. But I got so much movie stuff, maybe you'd like to see some of it!'

'Yeah,' Dean nods with a shy smile. 'Sure.'

'So now that foreplay's over,' Charlie dumps a huge pile of sugar in her coffee. 'Tell me what's up, guys. All the gory details you wanna share, I'm here.'

Castiel shifts next to Dean and starts to smell sad. 

'Should I leave?' Dean asks immediately. He doesn't really wanna, he wants to stay here and be here for alpha, but maybe he'd like some privacy.

'No,' Castiel's hand closes around his shoulder, almost painfully tight, and Dean feels like maybe alpha _needs_ him here. He grabs his other hand and squeezes it. 

'There's not much to say,' Castiel sighs. 'You already know my mother came over. It was not a pleasant experience.'

'I know you turned down the money and the center and the letter, and if you ask me, you made a great choice,' Charlie says seriously. 

'I don't regret it for a second,' Castiel replies sharply. 'The money part, the center part. I hope I never see my family again. Me and Dean, we'll be fine on our own.'

'What do you think was in the letter?'

'I have no clue,' Castiel shrugs and sags in his seat. 'I don't know what happened to change my father's way of thinking.'

'Don't you feel relieved?' Charlie asks gently, her eyes trained on Castiel. 'Now that they're really gone? Cause it's over, that's good news, right?'

'Yes, it's great news that my father's dead, Charlie,' Castiel replies bitterly and clenches his jaw with barely contained rage. Dean's surprised. The anger appeared out of nowhere and rose so quickly. He's scared to move in alpha's grip and even Charlie looks taken aback.

'Hey, you know that's not what I-' she starts to say meekly. 

'Yes, I'm sorry,' Castiel wipes his face with his hand and the rage is gone, just like that. Dean frowns. Maybe alpha doesn't tell him how bad he really feels. 'I'm sorry, I-' he looks like he's going to cry and Dean hates it.

'Alpha,' Dean says, standing briskly. 'Can I make you some special tea?'

Castiel's speechless for a moment, stunned by the sudden change of the topic. Or maybe Dean's bold attitude?

'What special tea?'

'Like, with honey and stuff. One of those yoga teas. Let yourself go and relax, that kinda stuff,' Dean crosses his arms nervously.

'Dean, I don't need to be calmed down,' Castiel tells him sternly, sounding offended. 'I'm an adult and I'm able to handle a conversation with my friend.'

Wow, he's really having a rough time.

'Yeah, but I-' Dean takes a breath, trying to ignore Charlie staring at them. 'I mean, it could help you relax, you deserve it. And I'll put in a lot of honey, so it'll taste good.' God, he's so stupid, it was a bad idea. 'You like h-honey, I mean - bees, right? And - please.'

Castiel's stubborn expression melts away and his eyes soften. 'Of course, baby. I'll drink it if it'll make you happy.'

'I'll drink with you,' Dean smiles widely. 'It'll be super good! They taught me how to make teas. Anyway - I'll be right back. Sorry,' he says the last word to Charlie, but she doesn't seem mad. In fact, she looks a little - awed?

Dean goes to the kitchen and he hears alpha and Charlie start to talk again, but the water boiling in the kettle makes the words impossible to distinguish. He gathers everything he needs; peppermint - and he's glad he bought one in a pot back when he arrived at alpha's, cause it's fresh - lemon, a jar of honey. He still remembers the proportions he's supposed to use. He didn't really like that class during his cooking course, cause he can count the times he drank tea on one hand. He prefers whiskey, beer and coffee, in that order. Not like he had a lot of chances to try, though. 

_but maybe now i will,_ Dean thinks and smiles. He really hopes the tea will help alpha chill out. The family thing was bad enough, and they talked a little but it's only been a day, but then the box... Dean wonders if maybe it left alpha feeling as bad as him. Cause alpha keeps trying to make everything nice, and life - or Dean - keep shooting him down.

He carries the tea back to alpha and Charlie. He doesn't really believe in the flower-power, one-with-nature crap, so he doesn't think dropping some leaves in the water on top of other leaves is going to actually have any effects. But alpha seems like someone who'd believe it, so even if it's placebo, it helps Dean feel useful and maybe it'll help Castiel, too.

'-I'm serious, you should see it,' Charlie is saying when Dean sets one mug in front of alpha and takes a seat holding his own. 'I was satisfied, and I'm not even the one who has beef with them.'

'Thank you, Dean,' Castiel sends him a sweet smile and takes a sip. He looks kind of tired, like the conversation is wearing him down, but his eyes widen as he tastes it. Hell yeah. Dean knows he can do food stuff, and he can do it well. 'That's delicious.'

Dean smiles back. 

'I'm trying to convince Castiel to take a look at the center's website,' Charlie explains to Dean, who listens intently. 'I looked it up and their business is falling apart! The website itself is written in HTML 3. Three!' At Dean's confused stare, Castiel supplies: 

'That's very outdated.'

'It's _Stone Age_ ,' Charlie emphasizes. 'No one looks at that and thinks hey, let's use their center to correct our omega. That's about twenty years too old.'

'Huh,' Dean replies. 'So you think - the Shurley center is not doing so fresh, these days?'

'I don't think, I know,' Charlie digs in her pack until she produces an iPad. 'There's a website that rates Training Centers. The Shurleys are there. But there's also something else worth seeing. Sorry, Dean, I know this is horrible-'

'No, it's fine,' Dean's actually intrigued. 'Can I see?'

Charlie shrugs and types lightning-fast, until a website pops up, and she hands the device to Dean. He can feel Castiel stiffen next to him and his scent turns wary, so Dean puts it down on his knees before looking.

'Can I see it, alpha?' he asks, looking up. Castiel looks torn and sad. 'I'm not freaking out or anything. I'm curious.'

Castiel clears his throat, reluctant. Dean doesn't think he'd actually forbid him from doing it. 

From doing anything?

'Of course,' he finally says, and Dean holds up the iPad. It's a modern website and it's easy enough to navigate. Dean sees there's a list of most recommended centers, and you can find the closest ones when you provide your location. He taps one of the centers and looks at the ratings. They grade efficiency, customer service, fares... Sounds like what he expected. There's photos of the training rooms. On the main page, they advertise a 'revolutionary' center. Dean scowls as he taps the picture.

'The new era of omega correction,' Dean reads out loud, surprising himself, and he sees Charlie watching him.

'Yeah, I've just found out when I was looking for the Shurley center,' she tells them. 'Turns out there's maybe like five of those in the US so far. But I like to think that means there's more people like us. Me, Castiel, others who don't think omegas should be beaten to become _mindless slaves._ '

Dean nods, surprised by the venom in her voice. The center claims it's for 'open-minded alphas and betas who look to improve the relationship with their omega'. The features of the center include 'honest conversation with a therapist', 'couples retreat', 'exercises and questionnaires to help get to know each other'. 

'What the _fuck_ ,' Dean breathes out, and he can sense alpha's confused too. 

'That sounds wonderful,' he says. Dean wasn't sure if he was reading along with him, but it appears so. 'It looks like it's a healthy approach and it really helps the omegas.'

'Yeah...' Charlie sighs. 'If you read comments, though, people drag the shit out of those places. Too open-minded for most. But they keep working, and I actually thought about recommending one to you if - if things didn't, you know, go as great as they seem to go!' she ends the sentence on a brighter note and Dean fights a smile. He likes her attitude. 

'Is it really not just another way to brainwash omegas?' Castiel asks dubiously. 

'Not judging by the comments,' Dean tells him and points to one. "My omega talked back to me today", the title reads. 

_after the last appointment, Brad talked back to me. i asked him to get up and make me breakfast and he said no. he never did that before. i had to do it myself and ended up being late to work. i wanted to punish him at first but then i remembered the therapy lady said physical punishment never corrects things. what should i do? he's been scared all day but i can't have him being disrespectful, especially not around my friends and family. it undermines my position as an alpha. how do i discipline him?_

Dean was shocked to find out that alphas actually talk about things like these online, and what the alpha was saying made sense to him. It wasn't some blabbering about omegas needing to serve alphas; it was genuine, and the alpha seemed upset. Which he had right to be. The reply left him speechless.

_Dear Terry,_

_Thank you for reaching out and sharing your doubts with us! You were right not to discipline your omega, as we have talked, punishment is never the answer. You may recall that our therapist, Mrs. Harrows, told you about the importance of communication. Your omega is acting out for a reason. Sit down with him and talk about it. Honesty is the key. It's important to assure him that it's a safe space and he won't get punished for speaking the truth. Remember that you only feel undermined as an alpha because you cannot connect with your omega, and open conversation is the best way to remedy that. If you wish, you can contact us on our 24/7 free helpline._

_Best wishes!_

_Sioux Falls Omega Center_

'There's more,' Castiel says and slides his finger up the iPad. There are tons of questions. "My omega refuses to eat", "Thanks SF Center, omega looks happy for the first time ever", "Are you really 100% violence free?". There are also some less positive ones; some douchebag claiming that the center is "a bunch of omega asslickers", another says that they're "pussies who know nothing about discipline". There are some opinions that say it was a bullshit idea because now "the omega's gone soft and whines all day" and they're going back to the standard punishment. There's a lot of hate, some of it really harsh, but there's also _a lot_ of successful stories. Omegas who are happier. 

Dean stares at it, not sure how to feel. 

'It's not the perfect solution,' he hears Charlie say. 'It's still a dependence on the alpha or beta, and the ownership issue, but it's a step in the right direction. There's lots of people out there who could do better if they weren't so lost.'

'I don't know what to say, this is incredible,' Castiel sounds dazed. 

'I hope it really does some good, but I'm still not sure about it. They sound nice on the website, but so do many people. They give revolutionary advice, sure, but they seem to be really- I don't know, new age-y about it?'

'If this works, it really might be a new age,' Dean replies numbly, still staring at the pad. No whips, no being held underwater, no new bruises. A nice white room with a therapist - a _therapist_ \- who tells him what he did wrong and how to change. And his alpha too, apparently. 

They tell _his alpha_ to change.

'Yeah, and that would be amazing, I want nothing more than for things to improve. But I also don't wanna be naive. We'd have to be sure it's not just another way of brainwashing.'

'Hm,' Dean mutters non-committally. He doesn't know how he feels about that.

'What do you think, Dean?' Castiel asks softly and Dean looks up. 'Would you like to give it a try at some point?'

Dean frowns, hard.

'Why? I thought you were happy with me.'

'I am,' Castiel assures him quickly. 'It's more about you being happy with me. Helping you live a normal life and helping me figure out how to behave so that I don't miscommunicate my intentions. Like when I made you leave.'

'No, it's - you promised,' Dean swallows and puts the pad on the table, his hands shaking. 'You promised I won't ever go to a punishment center.'

'You won't,' Castiel fully turns to him, alarmed. 'You won't, it's not about punishment.'

'It's not,' Charlie convinces him, too. 'There are punishment centers, right? But also training centers, and the general center where they house omegas before they find their mate, or where they heal them and marry them off,' she explains. Dean knows that. 'This, this is something different. It's a center for both you and your alpha. It's where alphas take their omegas to make their relationship better, to understand each other.'

'Our relationship is good, though, right?' Dean asks anxiously, his fingers grabbing alpha's shirt. 'You said you thought we were working, right?'

'Yes, of course,' alpha smiles and embraces him, and pulls him closer. 'I promise you we won't go to the center. Not unless you want to.'

'I don't,' Dean whispers into his chest. 'Please.'

'Then we're not going,' Castiel rubs his back soothingly and Dean tries to calm down. He should drink his own damn tea.

'Thanks,' he says and pulls away, cause he needed the hug but it's embarrassing, in front of Charlie and all. She doesn't stare at them, though, she looks lost in thought as she browses her iPad. 'I don't get it,' he admits weakly.

'What?' Castiel encourages him. 

'People send their omegas there to discipline them, so it is a punishment center. Just a different kind, cause they don't beat you.'

'Yes, but it's just a - cover, of sorts,' Castiel explains patiently. 'So that alphas can understand what's _really_ the problem. For example, we established that you telling me when you're hurt is a good thing. Yes?'

'Yeah.'

'But at Alastair's, that equaled punishment.'

'Yeah.'

'Do you think it's fair to punish you for feeling hurt or sick?'

Dean knits his brow. 

'If I break a rule, I get punished. And it was a rule at Alastair's, so it was fair. You just got different rules, alpha.'

But he has doubts, for some reason he can't really understand, and he doesn't voice them. He's tired of thinking about it, of talking about it. Most of all he just wishes he knew how to behave.

Castiel looks - disappointed, Dean thinks, and he feels distraught.

'Look, I don't know what you want me to say-' he adds in despair. 

'That's okay,' Castiel smooths his hair and it's such a soft, affectionate touch, Dean leans into it happily. He wishes he did tell alpha he has some doubts. 'We'll talk about it some other time. I think we've already had a hard day, didn't we?'

'Yeah,' Dean admits and picks up his mug. 'What are we making for-'

'Uh, guys,' Charlie interrupts them, holding up her iPad. 'I think you should see this.'

She gives it to alpha, and Dean scoots even closer. It's a different center, but one of the progressive therapeutic ones - and there's a review by a Chuck Shurley.

'That's your dad,' Dean says, shocked. 'He liked their page?'

Castiel's hands are shaking. Dean leans in to read the review, but when Castiel taps a small arrow, there's only one line of text. 

_great place, helped me understand omegas better_

There's nothing more.

'So he really did change?' Castiel asks no one in particular. Charlie watches him closely.

'Guess so,' Dean shrugs. 'Maybe that's why he gave you the money and the center. It bothered him and he tried to understand your side of things.'

'It was roughly three years ago. Not too long before he died,' Castiel adds. 'Maybe - maybe you're right, Dean.'

Dean shrugs again.

'I don't really see why he'd lie,' Charlie says thoughtfully. 'Maybe he really changed, Castiel. Maybe he wanted you to inherit the center and transform it into something like this.'

'That wouldn't work, not with my brothers as co-owners. Either way, I've made my choice.'

Castiel puts the pad down. The silence that follows is heavy, but Dean's too drained to worry, and he thinks alpha feels the same. The past few days, they've been too much. Or maybe the tea really is helping. Or both.

'I don't know if this helps or not,' Charlie sighs, closing her iPad. 'If you don't wanna watch the center's website, that's fine. Maybe we can do it some other time, or not. I don't care. Sorry for bringing everyone down. That's like the opposite of why I came here.'

'You didn't bring us down,' Castiel protests, but god, his husband is a horrible liar. 

'Don't BS me, Castiel,' Charlie rolls her eyes. 'But! That's why I have backup plans. We've had our drinks, now, so how about food?'

'I can prepare something-' Dean starts to offer. 

'No, I mean - we could go out. It's Sunday, there's tons of places open, we could go grab a bite. Huh?'

She looks painfully hopeful. Dean thinks it's nice to have a friend who cares so much about making you feel better.

Castiel sighs.

'Yes, we could - Dean, what do you think?'

'Yeah, I wanna go out!' Dean assures him instantly. He almost always wants to go out. And definitely today, cause the car ride was awesome, but then the box - and he can still see the package on the table, and then the center thing, and Charlie just being Charlie, all of it - it's not bad, not really, but he's tired and he itches to get out.

'Awesome. I got us a reservation,' Charlie announces with satisfaction. 

'I see you came prepared,' Castiel jokes feebly.

'I came optimistic,' Charlie corrects him with a grin. 'Okay, let's go team!'

'I'll just go upstairs to change,' Castiel gets up and moves towards the stairs, but then half-turns to Dean. 'Are you coming?'

Dean's not sure why's he supposed to follow, but he smiles at Charlie and does. When he and alpha reach the bedroom, alpha shuts the door and Dean looks at him, confused.

'Are you okay?' alpha asks, and now the smell of concern is clear. 'We're really not going to the center, I promise. I'm very happy that you're here.'

'Oh,' Dean replies, thrown off. 'Sure. I mean - thanks. I'm happy too.'

Castiel crosses the distance to the bed and sinks down onto it. He looks so tired again, Dean hates it. 

'Hey-' he says, and before he can freak out, he steps in front of alpha, his legs bracketing his, so that he almost sits on his lap. 'Are you alright?'

'Yes,' Castiel blatantly lies, staring ahead. Dean bites his lip and considers his next choice, but just for a second.

'Alpha, you take such good care of me, honest. Let me take care of you, for once?'

His heart is racing and his mouth is dry, but Castiel doesn't push him away, so he leans in, crossing his shaking hands behind his back, and kisses alpha on the mouth. 

Alpha makes a soft sound and his lips part, so Dean takes it as a sign to kiss him some more. Alpha grabs at him and pulls him closer, and Dean ends up half-sitting, half-kneeling on the bed, pressed against him. His mouth is warm and his hands have a solid grip on his back, and they move and move and move, under the shirt, up his spine, and Dean shudders and lets out a tiny _oh_ into alpha's mouth when Castiel's fingers dig into his mating bite.

'You taste like honey,' Castiel breathes, and Dean kisses the corner of his mouth, feeling brave. Alpha likes this, he likes whatever Dean initiated, and it feels like a win. 'You're so good, so good to me, I -'

_love you,_ Dean thinks, his eyes inches away from alpha's, staring into the blue, staring into the kind. _say it say it i'll say it back-_

'- I'm so glad you're here.'

Alpha kisses him again, more passionately, this time, and Dean goes lax in his hold. Whatever. What they call it doesn't matter, be it love, marriage, mating, he doesn't care what it is, what matters is how it feels. And it feels great. 

He tells himself he's not disappointed.

Finally, they untangle themselves and lay next to each other, breathing hard, staring at the ceiling.

'We shouldn't keep - Charlie waiting,' Dean says, but he's not anxious. 

'We'll leave in a moment,' Castiel props himself up on his elbows. 'Do you really - not mind her coming along?'

'No,' Dean shakes his head. 'She's real nice. She cares about you.'

'I know,' Castiel sighs. 'And look how I thank her for it.'

'Hey,' Dean nudges him with his knee. 'Alpha, she knows you're feeling like crap.' The words startle him. He's not watching his back, _at all_. 'I mean-'

But Castiel laughs a little. 

'I know what you mean, and you're right,' he exhales loudly and sits up. 'Dean? I want to ask you something.'

Uh-oh.

'Sure,' Dean sits as well, suddenly nervous.

'Do you know how scent marking works?'

Dean relaxes at once.

'Sure,' he repeats. 'Why? You can do it, if you want.'

'I've been told - by Charlie, no less - that it can keep alphas and betas away from you. My scent?' Castiel sounds sheepish and questioning.

'Yeah,' Dean nods and starts working on his buttons. It'll work better if he's naked. 

'I thought, since we're going out-'

'Yeah, that's a good idea, alpha,' Dean tells him. He doesn't know why Castiel's so nervous. And it might really help keep some assholes away. Not to mention, being dosed in alpha's scent - not helping Dean's already interested dick any, but a nice thought anyway.

Dean strips off his shirt, but Castiel's watching him warily with big eyes.

'What's wrong?' Dean finally asks, dropping his T-shirt on the bed.

'I don't know how to do it,' alpha blurts out. 'Can you tell me?'

'Oh,' Dean stares at him for a moment, surprised. He thought it's something natural, something every alpha knows how to do. But then, he remembers how Castiel never mocked his own ignorance, never even made him feel bad with questions, so he's not gonna do that either. 'Sure. You just gotta rub your neck against mine. Maybe my bite, too.'

'Should I undress as well?'

'No, it's just - I like to do it so more of my skin gets covered,' Dean explains. It's not something intimate or sexual, so he doesn't feel an ounce of awkwardness that alpha seems to be feeling. Except maybe his scars make him feel self-conscious, but he tries not to think about them, nor about his own arms already crossed in front of himself, hiding some from sight.

'Tell me if I do it wrong?' Castiel asks and leans in, snuggles close and rubs his neck against Dean's. Dean rests his cheek on alpha's head and breathes in his shampoo. Castiel's movements are uncoordinated and wary, but it just feels like a hug with some nuzzling, and Dean doesn't know why it's such a big deal. It's nice and cozy, and he hugs alpha closer.

'S'very nice,' he mumbles, his eyes drifting closed. 'You're a pro, alpha.'

He feels Castiel chuckle against his shoulder and they just stay like that for a moment. When they separate, Dean somewhat wishes he could just drag alpha back and spend the rest of the day in their nest.

And he thinks if he asked, alpha would do it. He'd tell Charlie to come back some other time and he'd really just lie down with him cause he wanted it.

But Charlie's nice, and she's trying hard, and Dean wants to go out. It'll do alpha some good too. 

'Wow, I really smell like you!' he exclaims once he puts his shirts back on and gives himself an experimental sniff. 'Awesome!'

Castiel smiles back at him, and this time, it's real.

They hold hands when they go downstairs, and Charlie's face splits into a radiant grin when she looks up from her phone. Castiel helps Dean buckle his collar, and Charlie gracefully doesn't comment on the fact that alpha didn't change his clothes at all. 

Charlie tells them that the place where they're supposed to go is a secret but Castiel's gonna love it, and she drives first in a funky yellow car. 

'It's an AMC Gremlin, '76 I think,' Dean tells Castiel when they drive after her.

'So she likes classic cars, like you!' Castiel smiles sweetly and Dean decides not to tell him that Gremlins are widely known as some of the ugliest cars ever. Sides, that'd be rude. He's all for not being rude anymore.

They pull up to a restaurant in a part of the city Dean's never been to before. Castiel frowns, but doesn't say anything. They get out and follow Charlie who leads them to the entrance excitedly. 

'Well, how about it?' she asks when they step inside. It's a big place, and there are sofas with an abundance of cushions, and wicker chairs, and tables; a huge tree is growing right in the middle, and behind every sofa, there are huge planters overflowing with green plants and flowers. Light bulbs are hidden inside glass bottles and hang from strings over the tables. 

Great. That's exactly what Dean thinks of when he hears the word organic. He hopes there's something to eat here cause he's really hungry.

'That's - I can't believe you remembered!' he hears and turns to alpha, who has a huge smile on his face. 

'Of course I did, it's rare you get so excited about something,' Charlie rolls her eyes playfully. 

'We came here once, years ago, and I loved this place,' Castiel tells Dean, his eyes darting around the restaurant. 'The meals were fascinating! And they support organizations that plant trees and protect the planet.'

So, chances are there's no meat here. But Dean's happy to see alpha happy. 

'We never came back, though we planned to. It was just easier to visit one of the cafes near our work. I didn't really go out often, before.'

_I know,_ Dean thinks, suddenly feeling sympathy. He grabs alpha's hand and tries a smile. 

'It's nice,' he says, and he's not really lying, cause it's not his scene, but it's obvious someone's put a lot of effort into the place. 

Charlie leads them to a table that has a _Reserved_ card on it. Dean's shocked to see that there's his name next to his seat. It's a smaller card, white and with a golden bird printed on it, and it says _Dean Novak._ He picks it up and stares at it. He's not sure if he's even seen his name written like that, anywhere. Sometimes it's easy to forget that he has Castiel's surname. 

It's a good feeling. It feels like he belongs somewhere, somewhere he _wants_ to belong. And there's a card for _him._ For an omega. It makes him feel good and important, makes him feel special.

Charlie and Castiel are busy reminiscing their first time here. Dean takes his seat, smacking away some huge tropical leaf getting in his face from behind. 

'Welcome!' a perky waitress says, handing out their menus. She doesn't look at Dean in any weird way. This place must be really omega-tolerant. 

Dean opens his menu. As expected, there's a bunch of funny names and plant photos. 

'Look, they even have Romanesco here!' Castiel exclaims and Dean turns to look at him. He looks freaking elated and he smiles widely. 'I haven't had a chance to try it anywhere.'

'You can eat that?' Dean frowns. To be fair, most of the plants in the photos don't look edible. They look like they belong in the garden. Or the jungle.

'Yes! Isn't that amazing?' Castiel's eyes are shining with legitimate wonder and Dean grabs his hand under the table. He's glad they sit next to each other. 

'I think I'll have a fingered citron,' Charlie announces and Dean can't help himself, he snorts a laugh. He quickly covers his mouth but when he looks at Charlie, he sees that she's laughing too. 

Meanwhile, Castiel frowns and deadpans:

'I believe the proper name of that plant is Buddha's hand, Charlie.'

'Yeah, yeah, see for yourself, professor Sprout,' Charlie slides the menu across the table. There's a picture of a weird yellow plant and it really is called _fingered citron (Buddha's hand)._ Charlie points to the first part and Castiel raises his eyebrow like it's a dare and points to the part in the brackets.

'The bracket part never counts,' Charlie protests.

'It counts when I'm correcting your code,' Castiel retorts.

 Charlie gasps, mock offended.

'Low blow! But fine, if you want to play dirty, let's call it a tie,' she says and raises her hands in surrender. 'I'll get you next round.'

Dean almost feels jealous about their friendship. Almost - cause it looks like they're inviting him to join.

'Okay, since I already booked the sexiest plant out there, what are you gonna get, Dean?' Charlie asks kindly, still smiling. 

'I don't know,' Dean shrugs, staring at the menu. 'I- uh, I don't really know - plants, and stuff.'

'Dean loves meat,' Castiel tells Charlie bluntly. Dean kinda wants to hide his entire face in his hands when Charlie giggles.

'Oh my God,' Dean says.

'I did _not_ mean it that way,' Castiel tells them, annoyed. 'Charlie, how many sexual jokes can you make?'

'Is that a challenge?' she asks good-naturedly, but Castiel just stares at her flatly. And Dean should hate the jokes, he should hate the awkward way alpha handles things, but he doesn't. It's funny and Charlie gets it, and alpha - alpha's so sweet. All the alphas Dean knew before loved to make lewd comments but Castiel doesn't know a lewd comment unless someone shoves it in his face. 

'I didn't even say anything,' Charlie defends herself. 'You're just funny, Castiel. It's a gift, you don't have to be so surly about it.'

'She's right,' Dean backs her up and runs a thumb across alpha's hand. 'But you know your plants, alpha, so maybe you can tell me what I'd like?'

'Not Romanesco, since I know you don't like broccoli,' Castiel replies and leans over the menu, his and Dean's sides brushing. 'Hmm. Are you feeling adventurous?'

'I'm feeling hungry,' Dean shrugs. 'Is there anything that's not purely plant?'

'Yes, of course,' Castiel flips the page. There's lots of pasta, there. Dean reads the card with interest. Mango pasta or ratatouille pasta, vegan fried lasagne (bad), vegan caesar salad with pasta (worse)... finally, Dean settles on the ratatouille one, cause it looks mostly normal. The fact that the price is one of the lowest might also influence his decision, and he sees Castiel give him a suspicious look and then ask him again if it's what he likes.

'You might be surprised to discover you love some exotic plant, Dean. You won't be able to taste it anywhere else.'

'I'll just take a bite of yours,' Dean mumbles and then raises his head, quickly, ready to say that he doesn't have to, or that he's sorry, but alpha looks immensely pleased.

'I'll be happy to share with you,' he replies. 

Dean's pretty much shocked when the waitress brings them coke - actual coke, not coke light or zero or whatever. 

'So how did you two spend time so far, Dean?' Charlie asks, and she really seems interested. 'I've already heard you went to see the ducks, right?'

She sends him an encouraging smile.

'Yeah! It was _so_ cool. I mean-' Dean fiddles with the bottom hem of his shirt, nervously. It hits him, suddenly, that he's a forty year old guy sitting in front of a stranger, excited about a walk in a park, and it makes him feel childish and small. Anyone can see he's dumb like Alastair had always said. 'I mean - we also did some other things. Like, we watched movies together, and cooked together. I mean - alpha offered. I can cook all the time, I promise, I did before, I know it's my job-'

'-and you cook marvelously, but I also like to cook for you,' Castiel interrupts him gently and squeezes his hand under the table. 'Dean went to cooking school. He knows so much.'

Dean thinks it can't sound convincing, not after he's just revealed that he doesn't know the meals here. Even if it's exotic, maybe if he tried harder - alpha clearly likes it. Maybe he could try and reproduce that at home...

'Really? Wow, that's great!' Charlie exclaims and leans forward, her elbows on the table. 'What do you like to cook the most?'

'Oh,' Dean frowns. 'I don't - know. I've never thought about it. I just cook what I think is best for alpha, or what he wants me to.'

He feels kinda scared, like it's an interview. He _knows_ it's not, Charlie's nice and Dean's pretty sure there's no need to persuade her that he's a good omega, but he's still not sure what to say, what's the right thing.

'But you used to cook for your family,' Castiel nudges his leg softly. Dean thinks it's supposed to make him feel comforted. 'Didn't you have a favourite meal to cook, then?'

'Uh, my brother,' Dean says before he can stop himself, and it brings a hesitant smile to his face. 'He loved his mac n' cheese. I'd make, Jesus, like, a thousand different versions.' He doesn't mention that they could rarely afford more than mac n' cheese. 'He really liked the one with marshmallows.'

'Ew,' Charlie makes a face. 'Seriously?'

'Yeah,' Dean chuckles. 'But except for that, I could copy my dad's stew pretty well. It was spicy and had pretty much everything in it. And then - after cooking class, sometimes I'd make some really good burgers. Everyone liked them.'

'But what did _you_ like the most?' Castiel insists, but he's still smiling, and he's really interested. They're both listening to him. 

'Um,' Dean swallows, looks around the place, thinking hard. 'Pie? Yeah, I think. I didn't really - only got to make it twice. We rarely had a big enough kitchen when I was a kid, and Alastair never liked baking. But - I could make a really good one, I think. I mean, _I_ liked it, at least,' he rubs his free hand on his leg nervously. 'So, yeah, there's that.'

'I think that's incredible,' Charlie says. 'I suck at cooking. I have a sweet tooth, but Dorothy's the one who cooks at our house. She's really good but - and that's confidential, you guys - she can't bake for shit. So if you ever want to come over, you could teach us how to make a good pie, Dean.'

Dean smiles, though it's a little strained. But it sounds okay. 

'Sure.'

'We also went on a picnic,' Castiel adds, returning to the previous topic. 

'Yeah! It was like, the best day _ever,_ ma'am, Charlie,' oh, that Dean can tell her about. 'We ate so much good stuff, and we sat on that blanket and listened to Led Zep and talked. It was so good. Alpha organized it to celebrate our anniversary!'

'Weren't you gonna go to a restaurant?' Charlie asks, frowning.

'Yes, but we changed our plans later on,' Castiel replies quickly. Dean wants to tell him - and Charlie - that it's okay, cause he hated the posh restaurant anyway, and there's nothing to be ashamed of, but he thinks alpha wouldn't like that. So he stays quiet. It can be their secret.

'That does sound nice, though,' Charlie considers, sipping the coke. 'I don't even know what to do with Dorothy anymore, for our anniversaries. Feels like we've been everywhere already. That's one upside you guys get, everything's fresh, there's so much to see!'

'Yeah,' Dean agrees, and then decides to tell her more. 'And - alpha even went shopping with me, and he didn't stay in the Alpha Longue! We picked pasta together and decided what to cook, and then we got all the ingredients, together!' he brags, grinning. He doesn't mention the asshole who... touched him, he doesn't want to talk about that. But going shopping with alpha was awesome. 'We've also been to a cafe, and other shops, alpha got me so many nice clothes! And CDs, and then he bought me this badass blanket, as a gift! I've never had an anniversary before,' he trails off and furrows his brow. 'How does it work?'

'What do you mean?' Castiel mirrors his frown.

'Like, we had a one month anniversary. Is the next one in a year? Or next month?'

'We can celebrate every month, if you want to,' Castiel rubs his thigh affectionately. Dean loves the touch. 

'We can do that? We could - we could go out like that every month, for real?' Dean stares, and then glances at Charlie. She nods, her eyes shining.

'Sure you could,' she says. 'Me and Dorothy, sometimes we celebrate some days just cause we feel like it. Sometimes we just pick an international day of something, and we celebrate it.'

'I'd be happy to go out with you on a special date once a month,' Castiel tells him. 'But I think it'd be even nicer to go out on dates all the time.'

Dean nods, and then nods a couple times more, overjoyed. 

'Yeah, yeah, that's like - that sounds _perfect._ '

The waitress brings their plates and Dean thinks his pasta isn't half bad. Charlie makes him laugh when she pokes at the - fingered citron, who the hell came up with that name - but she says it tastes okay. The best part, though, is definitely alpha keeping his hand on his thigh through the whole meal, and then feeding him a piece of the freaky green geometric thing. It's served with almonds and garlic and it doesn't taste like anything Dean knows.

'How is it?' Castiel asks expectantly, the fork hanging in the air once Dean took the food from it. He feels kind of shy doing that in front of Charlie, but she doesn't seem phased, and it's nice. It's romantic, or intimate, he doesn't know, but it feels satisfying.

'I dunno,' Dean murmurs, swallowing it. 'Weird. Never ate anything like it.'

'That's the point,' Castiel takes another bite. 'I like it.'

Soon after, he excuses himself to the restroom, but looks at Dean long enough that if Dean felt like he had to, he could ask him to stay. Or to go with him. Whatever. But he doesn't, cause Charlie wants to show him a picture of her and Dorothy, and his collar's on. 

'She's _hot_ ,' Dean blurts out when he sees the picture, cause she is. Especially in that red dress she's wearing in the photo. Charlie laughs.

'Thanks, I better not tell her you said that. She'd tease me for days.'

'I'm sorry,' Dean swallows, uncomfortable. 'It just kinda came out. You both look great, you know, like a great couple.'

'Dude,' Charlie rolls her eyes and doesn't look mad at all. 'Don't sweat it. You don't have to be all super polite with me, okay? Don't worry, I promise you it's not easy to offend me,' she winks at him and it's pretty bad, and Dean cracks a smile.

'Okay. But I'm serious, you do look happy together,' he shrugs. 'I dunno. I don't really have experience in things like these. The couples I've met before, the omegas were, you know, like me. No shared photos and no going out to eat together, not even close.'

'I always thank whoever is out there that I met Dorothy in high school and she skipped all that shit. I can't even imagine,' Charlie shakes her head. 'But for your sake, I'm trying to. Cause - I was dying to meet you for so long! And I wanna talk to you, but I don't wanna say anything wrong. So it's okay if you don't wanna tell me things. Look, I,' she exhales and runs a hand down her face, animated. 'Dude, I waited _so_ long for this. I've heard a lot about you and you sound so cool, but I know you've had it worse than most of us and I don't wanna mess it up! So tell me if I act like a grade-A dumbass.'

'No, it's fine,' Dean replies, and it really is. He likes that she's so... transparent. There's something warm in her, something that he wants to trust, maybe the way she listens to him, like she's really interested, or maybe in her smile cause he can't really imagine her being mean. And she seems _nervous_ because of... him(!), like she's really worried she'll say something wrong.

'So, Castiel told me you like movies,' Charlie continues, taking her phone back. 'When I called you, days ago, you said you like Star Wars, right?'

'Yeah,' Dean nods, and then Charlie talks and talks and talks, and asks him questions, and in no time alpha's back, right when they're discussing possible alternative attacks on the Death Star. 

'I'm just saying, if they infiltrated the place from the inside-'

'Yeah, but then what, shut the reactor down? That'd only work for a moment-'

'Are you talking about the - the Star Battles?' Castiel interrupts Dean and sits down next to him.  

'Star _Wars_ , Castiel,' Charlie sighs, exasperated. 'But yeah, I have to report that your husband has great taste, and I wanna borrow him sometime for an in-depth rewatch. Dorothy never gets this stuff,' she tells Dean. 'I love her and she's the best woman you'll ever meet, but she can't appreciate fine sci-fi. She does like books, though, and that's what we can bond over.'

'Do you like books, Dean?' Castiel asks. 'We could go to a library-'

'We have a great library at work!' Charlie chimes in excitedly. 'All the fantasy and sci-fi, and some regular novels.'

'I'll show you tomorrow, hm?' Castiel looks kind of happy to have found something new to share with him, so Dean doesn't tell them that he's not really into books. They both look excited. So he agrees instead.

The food is gone, their drinks too, so they start to prepare to leave. Charlie asks Castiel a few questions about the first time they were here, and Dean listens.

'I was just starting, back then, but look at us now! You're gonna get that promotion soon, and the funding for the project!'

'Yes,' Castiel smiles a little. Overall, Dean's pleased to note that he seems much more relaxed than in the morning. He's glad Charlie found the restaurant and took them out. 'I've been waiting years for this chance.'

'And not only you got Dean now, but also Henry!'

'Who's Henry?' Dean asks, frowning, before he can realize he said that out loud.

'It's the executive I told you about,' Castiel explains calmly. 'The one invested in his work?'

'Yeah, I remember. You said he helps you get the work done?'

'Yes. And we got along well, but I think we sort of had a falling out, recently. I'm not sure. I didn't really like his behavior, or rather his partner's, and how he handled it.'

'Oh, the tall guy?' Charlie asks. 'Yeah, I've seen him around. He's so cryptic, though, kinda awkward. When he thinks no one sees him, he drops the smile. Shady as fuck, if you ask me. What'd he do?'

'It doesn't matter,' Castiel replies. 'We just didn't see eye to eye.'

Charlie opens her mouth like she wants to ask more but Castiel gives her a look. Interesting, Dean thinks.

'Well, I'm sorry anyway. I hope you and Henry patch things up. I hate his serious, work focused attitude, the guy doesn't know how to loosen up, but I admit, he seemed decent.'

Castiel nods gravely but doesn't reply and he leaves a big tip. He cheers up again when the waitress comes over and hands him a pamphlet about the Earth.

'You can learn some more about our planet and how to protect it!' she announces joyfully, and Dean knows that alpha's the kind of guy who's really gonna read it. But when he and Charlie are busy talking to the waitress, Dean's eyes linger on the card with his name on it, and he glances around. No one's looking and he doesn't spot any cameras, so he quickly slips the card into his coat pocket.

His face feels hot and his hands are shaking, and it's kind of like the whole blood has rushed to his head, but it's done. He wanted it and he took it, like an impulse, and now he should really leave.

Luckily, alpha and Charlie are already saying their goodbyes, and they head outside. Dean follows hastily, hands buried in his pockets. 

'It was super nice to meet you, Dean,' Charlie tells him as they stand next to the entrance. 'Can I hug you now? It's okay to say no.'

Dean nods, but he's stiff as she embraces him. She's warm and she smells content and friendly, though.

'Can you give me and Castiel just a second? I have a surprise and I want to talk to him about it.'

Dean's worried; it's a whole day full of surprises. At this point he could do without them.

'Sure,' is what he says, though, and alpha gives him the keys to go wait in the car. It's just a couple of steps away, so when Dean unlocks the car and takes a seat, he can see alpha and Charlie talk. She looks concerned and earnest, at first, repeats a question - or it seems like she does, Dean can't read lips - and then she hugs alpha tightly. Castiel returns it, and then she's handing him something. He shakes his head at first, but she pushes his hands away and refuses to take it back. Soon, she waves at Dean who waves back, and alpha joins him in the car.

'What's the surprise?' Dean asks anxiously as soon as the doors close.

'Charlie gave us a belated wedding gift,' Castiel explains and shows it to Dean. It's two tickets to a state fair, one of those that open on the outskirts for a month at best and then move on.

'Wow!' Dean turns the piece of paper over and there's details. Ferris Wheel, carousels, slides, wagon ride, haunted house, food stands and games... This looks _beyond_ cool, but alpha doesn't look too excited. 

'We don't have to go,' he says and Dean feels his enthusiasm evaporate. 'She won't be mad if we won't use it, she said so. I know it's a lot, and there's crowds, lights, music, it's completely fine to just stay at home, baby.'

He watches him closely and Dean smooths out the ticket. 

'But... haunted house?' he asks and he knows it comes out kind of pitiful.

Castiel raises his eyebrows.

'You - you'd like to go?'

'Yeah,' Dean mumbles, handing him back the ticket. 'But like you said, we don't have to. I see you're not into it.'

'Oh, no, I just - I've never been to a fair,' Castiel replies, slightly stunned. 'I - never enjoyed crowds before, but I think with you, it could be lovely. I was just worried. When we went to the shopping center, you seemed overwhelmed.'

Dean blushes, from shame or anger at himself, he can't decide.

'Yeah,' he admits. 'But I still liked going.'

Castiel sits there a moment longer, staring ahead through the windshield. Charlie's yellow car disappears in the distance. 

'Alpha, come on, tell me,' Dean insists. 'What's up-'

'I'm scared that something will happen to you,' Castiel blurts out. 'I'm scared that in that crowd, there'll be an alpha or a beta who will want to hurt you.'

Yeah, Dean's always scared of that, too. It's kind of comforting to share the burden with someone else. To have someone give a damn.

'But I feel safer with you,' Dean tells him, grabbing his arm. 'I do. And you know I can mostly protect myself. I'm gonna have a collar, and you can scent mark me some more before we go, and then we can just go have fun. You said wherever we go, we go together?'

'Yes, of course,' Castiel puts his hand over his. 'It's a rule now. I won't ever leave you alone.'

'Good. So, can we go? I think - I think it could be really cool.'

Alpha still smells worried and nervous and most of all, sad, but he smiles gently. 

'Yes, we'll go.'

'Awesome!' Dean grins. 'Tonight? It's gonna be like one of those dates you mentioned, alpha, those random ones!'

'Exactly like that,' Castiel replies, and Dean doesn't know what it was that he did, but alpha leans in and kisses him, suddenly. It's great. Dean kind of wants to sit on his lap and kiss him more, but Castiel pulls back and starts the engine, and heads home.

'We should get that tea on our way,' Dean teases sheepishly. At Castiel's lost expression, he clarifies: 'The tea the _loser_ was gonna drink?' 

For one - two - three - four seconds, he can't breathe, _what the fuck_ did he just say, but then -

Castiel laughs, and the pressure around Dean's chest is gone. God, that's so good, saying things and not getting hurt because of them, but making alpha pleased instead, it's so good to talk to someone without watching his back too much, it's all so good.

'You're right, I did lose the bet,' Castiel says, amused. 'I'm glad my good boy remembers for me.'

It's teasing too and Dean hates alpha cause it gets him hot and bothered in an instant, and alpha _knows_ it, knows those words are his weak spot. He flushes and (subtly) glares, but alpha looks smug.

'I think we have enough time to cuddle and rest before we leave for the fair,' Castiel continues. 'Would you like that?'

'Yeah,' Dean sighs, relaxing in his seat. This is good too. He feels stupid everytime, too needy and clingy when he asks for things like these, no matter how many times he initiates them and alpha tells him it's fine. It's not, Alastair taught him it's not, but even if it's his omega brain and omega body, he wants it. But alpha offers it first.

'Did you like Charlie?' Castiel asks. 'It's alright if you didn't. I won't tell her.'

'No, I did,' Dean assures him. 'Seriously. I - I mean, it was kinda awkward-'

'I know, because of me,' Castiel nods sadly, like he's well aware of the fact and painfully accepting.

'What? No,' Dean turns to face him, confused. 'Why do you think that?'

Castiel stays silent for a moment, but Dean still stares.

'Well, you heard me back there. I don't understand sarcasm, sometimes. Or inappropriate jokes. And I was so moody all day, I did not make it easier for Charlie and you to connect.'

What the hell- 

'Okay honestly, I have to say it,' Dean feels anger rise in his chest and it seems to shock Castiel, who startles and glances at him. He has something to say and he's gonna say it, he can't stop, he just can't hear that self-deprecating tone again. 'I gotta say it, alpha, you've _got_ to stop putting yourself down. You were right there, with me, all the time, and whenever I felt bad, you kept touching me or looking at me, and it was _great_. You _should_ be freaking sad, your dad died, and you should be moody, cause life fucking _sucks_! And I love that you talk so seriously, and I love that you don't get sex jokes, and I love that you're funny, cause you are! And you kept that hand on my leg all the time, and I know I'm just a piece of shit but it was so fucking nice and-'

Castiel swerves to the right and hits the brakes. Dean lunges forward, luckily held by the seatbelt, and then hits the back of the seat with a thump. Alpha looks furious. Fuck.

'I'm-'

'Don't you _ever_ call yourself that,' alpha tells him, almost growls, and his eyes seem to freaking _flare_ a darker color. Dean's almost terrified - almost, almost, cause it feels so off. It feels like the fury is targeted somewhere but it goes right past him. _He won't hurt me_ , Dean realizes, dumbfounded.

'O-okay,' he stutters, blinking at alpha. _That's_ what pissed him off in that long disrespectful speech?

'You,' Castiel says slowly, and he's so intense, Dean's scared to move. 'Are darling to me. Is that clear?'

Dean nods. He wants to say something, but he doesn't know what. 

'You are not a piece of shit. Say it.'

Wow. The order almost feels good, deep deep down, and Dean can't understand that.

'I'm not a piece of shit,' he repeats numbly. Alpha seems to slowly calm down. 

'Good,' he says and starts the car again. Dean doesn't think; he holds out his hand and stops alpha.

'No,' he protests adamantly. 'You too. Say you're a good alpha.'

'What?' Castiel frowns, as if disgusted with the idea. 'Dean, it's not about _me_.'

'Well it should be,' Dean stands his ground, and he doesn't drop his eyes, though everything inside him quivers and screams for him to stop. 'It is.'

Castiel stares at him, a mix of bewildered and awestruck and reluctant, and Dean still. Doesn't. Look. Away.

He's gonna need therapy when they get home, if he even lives that long.

'Fine,' Castiel agrees, not even blinking. Dean doesn't know what he looks like, but he feels like his eyes are ablaze. 'I am a good alpha.'

He doesn't say it like he believes it, but he also doesn't say it like he's humoring him. He's serious. Maybe more serious than usual, Dean thinks. They both understand it's an important moment, cause for the first time ever, Dean's stubborn, and they still stare at each other, like they're equals. 

The ball's in Dean's court.

'I accept it,' he says, aiming for nonchalance, but he thinks his shaking hands give him away when he hides them in his pockets. That, and more likely, his terrified scent.

To his shock, alpha smiles. Alpha smiles and he looks - 

_in love_

'I really want to kiss you right now,' alpha breathes, eyes wide.

'Then do it,' Dean tells him, chin up, challenging.

Castiel does.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks so much for reading! did you hate it, did you love it, let me know what you think!
> 
> i polished some parts for agesss and they're... acceptable, but there're also some parts that im quite fond of. the ending was spontaneous but it felt so different yet so right, i wonder what's your opinion! thanks for the continuous support it means so much!!!! i smile so hard whenever i get to read another kudo/comment, so thanks! hope you enjoyed this chapter. i'm STOKED for the next one. it's not that some shit is gonna go down (or maybe??) i just think it's gonna be cool and i'm excited to write it. see you next time! :))


	22. Chapter 22

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> timeline: part 3 of day 12 (05/08)

Castiel is shocked.

It's not what Dean said - of course, it is always nice to hear that he's a good alpha in Dean's eyes, but it doesn't convince him. He's the first alpha Dean encountered that doesn't like to watch him suffer, so of course Dean's going to think he's good. However, Castiel starts to suspect that Dean really doesn't mind him being so anti-social and embarrassing. Him providing his omega basic comforts of life shouldn't be called being a good alpha, though. 

So, it's not _what_ Dean said, but how he said it. He - Castiel hesitates at the word, but he thinks it could be called arguing. Dean argued with him. He was stubborn, and he was so scared, Castiel expected him to break down any second and start apologizing, but he didn't. 

And that means more than a thousand words. That means that Dean really _is_ getting better, that Castiel's somehow managed to show him that he won't hurt him. And finally, Dean seems to come out of his shell a little, testing the boundaries, trying Castiel, and the alpha's thrilled. It works, whatever he's doing, it works and Dean is becoming his real self.

This tiny bit of progress makes him feel like he's flying. 

Dean seems to deflate after the kiss, though, and he's quiet and thoughtful for the rest of the drive. Castiel does stop at a small tea shop and they go in together, and he hopes that Dean will joke again, but he doesn't. He's withdrawn, holding Castiel's hand tightly, but not scared. Just a little... overwhelmed. 

They drive back to the house, and Castiel worries that Dean's going to stay that way. And he was so excited to go to the fair. He wants them to have a really special time together. 

When they go inside the house, Dean takes off his shoes and coat and then hesitates in the hallway.

'So...' he starts quietly, and he looks smaller than usual, and Castiel wants to hug him. 'We still gonna cuddle?'

He almost whispers the last part, and Castiel takes his hand and leads him to the couch. He undresses and sees Dean watching him warily.

'I want to feel you on my bare skin,' Castiel explains.

He sees Dean's fingers flex nervously, as if he fights the instinct to undress as well. 

'Should I-' he finally asks, when Castiel's down to underwear and socks and sits on the couch.

'Do you want to?'

'It's just - just cuddling, right?' Dean ventures uncertainly, and starts to shake. No, that won't do. Castiel frowns and pulls him closer by his hand. 

'Just cuddling. I promise. Never anything else, not unless you want to.'

Dean nods and ducks his head, as if embarrassed, and takes off his pants, and his plaid shirt. He stays in the T-shirt and boxers, and fists his hands in the shirt. He doesn't want to take it off, Castiel can see it in how his body tenses, and remembers how he hid his scars when they scent-marked; how he hides his scars, always. 

'Come here, already,' Castiel grabs his hand again, and tugs him down. 'You look very handsome in this shirt.'

Dean startles, surprised. 

'Yeah?' he asks, confused. It's just a black T-shirt, but Castiel's not just saying it to make him feel better. He really does look good. Although maybe - maybe Dean would look good in just about anything.

'Yes,' Castiel backs away until he can lean against the arm of the couch, and pulls Dean close, in between his legs. Dean's rigid, at first, but as they both stretch out on the couch, he lets his head drop down on Castiel's shoulder and relaxes slowly.

Castiel embraces him tightly; he slides his palm down Dean's arm, and leans in to kiss him on the cheek. They lie together, breathing quietly, and Castiel loves Dean's calm scent, loves how he nuzzles his face into his neck, rubs his cheek on his bite.

'Are _you_ scent-marking me?' Castiel asks, amused. Dean pauses for a moment and Castiel worries that he shouldn't have said that, but then Dean raises his head to look at him and cocks his eyebrow.

'What if I was?'

It's not the same daring voice from before; it's weak, and he can see fear in Dean's eyes, clear as day. And then, a little stalled, in his scent. God, he hates the fear scent.

'Then I'd tell you to take care of _both_ my shoulders,' he tells Dean. 'That is how it's done, yes?'

The bafflement and relief appearing on Dean's face make him want to hug his omega even tighter. His mate always expects the worst, expects pain and mean words and punishment, and Castiel knows they're working to change that, but it hurts all the same.

'Yeah. Yes,' Dean replies, finally, and Castiel sees a blush spreading across his cheeks. He lowers his head, but there's a faint smile on his face. Dutifully, he lies down again and rubs his cheek against Castiel's second shoulder, and it's more tentative than previously, but it's obvious that he enjoys it. 

'I wasn't-' Castiel hears, but it's whispered and cut off quickly. He cards his fingers through Dean's hair and the omega sighs softly.

'You weren't what?' Castiel asks quietly, and gives him another kiss on his head. Dean seems to melt under it. 

'Wasn't marking you,' the omega explains. 'Was just - I really, you know, dig your scent.'

'I have to return the sentiment,' Castiel tells him, stroking his side. He's not sure what Dean is getting at, cause there has to be something going on, but he doesn't press. He learned that Dean usually tells him what he thinks anyway, after some time. 

They lie on the couch for a minute more, Castiel's hands caressing Dean's body, Dean's face smashed against his chest, his breath warming the skin right above his heart. Since his omega doesn't seem to want to talk, Castiel relaxes in silence, trying not to think about what he's learnt about his father today. It doesn't work until Dean shifts and hugs him, quickly and tensely, like all that time he was gathering the courage to do so. 

'Can we nap like that?' he asks, his voice muffled.

'Of course,' Castiel smiles at him even though the omega can't see it. In no time, he hears Dean start to snore loudly and he chuckles.

It feels so good. Just a week ago, Dean slept alone on this very couch while Castiel worked. He told him his birthday, and asked Castiel's age... Castiel can't imagine Dean from before falling asleep on his chest, drooling all over him, feeling safe enough to let his guard down in an alpha's arms.

He couldn't imagine himself feeling so much for the man.

It felt like - when he thought Dean was going to leave, it felt like there would be no life after Dean. And then when he stayed, it wasn't easy, something was broken, but having the chance to fix it at all, that meant everything. 

_is this love?_ something inside him asks frantically. _do you love him?_

Looking down at Dean's closed eyes, long eyelashes, mussed hair, the freckles spread across his cheeks and the bridge of his nose... At his frail, thin arms holding Castiel so tightly... 

Castiel puts the question away for later, but it's futile. He knows the answer, knows it for a while, now. And it's terrifying, but it's also exhilarating. He never expected to fall in love.

 

 

Dean wakes two hours later, with a start. His eyes are glazed over and red and frantically look around for something-

Alastair, Castiel thinks bitterly, feeling anger rise in his chest-

only to settle on Castiel and the pure, overwhelming relief in Dean's expression steals Castiel's breath away. _He_ does that. Somehow, he makes Dean feel so much safer.

'Hey,' Dean rasps, and then clears his throat.

'Hello,' Castiel replies and leans down to kiss his mate. Dean hums in surprise, but his lips part and he returns the kiss. 

'A _very_ nice way to wake up,' Dean mutters sleepily and there's a lopsided grin on his face. Castiel laughs and holds him as he sits up. His legs fell asleep, but it doesn't matter. 

'I think we can go soon,' he says, and checks the time on his phone. It's just past five. 

'Okay,' Dean entangles himself from him and starts pulling his pants on, sluggishly. 'Think it's gonna be fun.'

He's still sleepy, but he looks much better, the tension from before gone. It was a good choice. Castiel pours them both some juice, still in his boxers, when Dean dresses up.

'I want you to take your phone with you and keep it on you at all times,' Castiel says seriously, handing Dean his phone. 'Just in case we get separated.'

'Sure,' the omega pockets it, and then takes the juice. 'I don't think anyone will start anything, with me smelling so much like you.'

'They better not,' Castiel almost growls, and busies himself with dressing up. It still surprises him, how possessive he gets around Dean. 

When they're done preparing, Castiel leads them out of the house and unlocks the car. He likes how it started to smell like Dean. It comforts him when he drives to work, makes it easier to survive the time apart. 

He drives according to the directions on the tickets, and they pass through the entire city. Dean's glued to the window, like usually, watching the scenery with rapt attention. Castiel can't find anything fascinating in it, not after spending twenty years in the same town, but it's big, and he's aware that there are many places he hasn't visited. Dean makes it all look fresh, though. His curiosity and enthusiasm almost bleed onto Castiel, and sometimes he feels like he sees it all for the first time, as well.

Not now, though. Now, he's just annoyed at the traffic. They get stuck in another queue of cars and he sighs deeply.

'Where are all those people going,' he complains. 'It's Sunday evening.'

'They're probably out to have fun, like us!' Dean smiles at him. He looks and smells happy and excited. 'We can listen to music in the meantime?'

'Oh, yes,' Castiel turns the radio on. He tends to forget; he doesn't really care if there's music in the background. He likes to immerse himself in it in a quiet place, at home preferably; in the car, it just often feels like unnecessary noise. But Dean doesn't seem to think so, as he switches the stations until they hear someone "shredding it like cabbage" as Dean calls it with delight. To Castiel, it's just a very fast guitar... he thinks. Then, another song comes on, and it's even louder and more aggressive, and Dean turns it up with a gasp.

'Oh my God, yes!'

'Do you like it?' Castiel asks, kind of praying that there's a softer song after this one. Dean frowns at him, and then seems shocked.

'Dude, it's Ace of Spades,' he blurts out, and then hurriedly adds: 'Alpha.'

It makes Castiel want to chuckle, but it quickly fades as he sees that Dean's instantly berating himself for the way he addressed him; he turns sad and nervous.

'You know a lot of angry rock songs,' Castiel tells him, and somehow manages to make it sound like he's impressed.

'Yeah,' Dean smiles and loosens up a little. He looks proud, his green eyes sparkling, and Castiel thinks he's very cute. 'Ace of Spades is by Motorhead. You don't know'em?'

'No, I think I'm more keen on slightly lighter music,' he replies.

'Oh,' Dean quickly turns the music down. 'Sorry.'

'No, no-' Castiel protests. 'I told you I enjoy discovering what you like.'

Dean shrugs.

'My dad liked the same music. He got me started. My brother would _always_ complain, though. We kinda hated his fits but then kinda missed them too, once it was just me-' he hesitates, like he didn't mean to share. 'Me, and dad.'

Does it mean Dean's brother died? Castiel's leaning towards that possibility, heartbreaking as it is.

'What kind of music did your brother like?'

Dean startles, and he's obviously surprised by the question. 

'Some emo crap,' he laughs a little, staring at his hands. 'I mean, some angsty teenage songs. I got him a walkman when he was like 12, so he could listen to it and me and dad could listen to our stuff. He liked books more than music, though.'

Castiel hums, acknowledging it. It's always interesting how Dean seems to love to talk about his brother, as long as it doesn't shed any light on what actually happened; to Dean's brother, father, to Dean. 

The cars move, though, and they finally reach the outskirts. They round a corner and suddenly can see a gigantic Ferris Wheel, glowing with a thousand colorful lights, and then the rest of it - rides, stands, the huge entrance with neon letters blinking against the dark sky. It's almost six, and Castiel thinks it looks better after dusk, more - more blinding, which was clearly the intention.

'Oh my God, alpha,' Dean breathes out, gaping at the fair, his eyes shining with wonder. 'This is so cool!'

'Is it what you expected?' Castiel asks, stopping the car on the parking lot. There's a lot of people, but not an overwhelming amount. 

'So much better!' Dean exclaims, opening the door and standing next to the car, drinking it all in. Castiel can't help a huge smile, because his omega is almost jumping with energy. 'Let's go!'

Castiel locks the door and holds Dean's hand tightly. They make their way to the ticket booth, where Dean presents the tickets to the guard, grinning and bouncing on his feet. They're let inside without a fuss, and Dean tugs at him until they stand in the middle of the alley, and he just turns full circle, trying to see everything. Castiel looks at the people around them, instead, casually checking for danger. Dean's too far gone to pay attention.

'Where do you want to go fi-'

'Haunted house!' Dean almost yells, pointing to a rickety wooden house with a huge devil statue on top of it. It seems to come out of the roof, roughly three sizes of a regular human, horns, blazing eyes, green tongue hanging out of its mouth, framed by razor-sharp fangs. And, of course, it's glowing red, thousands of LED lights glaring with seemingly no coordination. House of the Devil, the dripping (neon) letters announce. 

'You want to go there?' Castiel asks slowly. He's slightly worried about Dean's mental state after such a ride; Dean's not too... fragile, of course not, but he is having disturbing nightmares daily, so maybe it's not the best idea to take him to the House of the Devil.

'Please?' Dean honest to God pouts, and tightens his hold on Castiel. 'I'll hold your hand, all the time. Unless...' he trails off, and stares at Castiel. 'Alpha, do you not wanna go? It's okay. We don't have to.'

He tries a smile, but it's obvious he really counts on this specific ride, and the fact that he's willing to let it go for Castiel makes him determined to ride this ride as many times as they possibly can. Dean wants to go there, and Dean likes horrors, can a few fake plastic skeletons really scar him for life?

But Castiel's supposed to be the responsible one, so he still asks.

'We can go, but do you think it won't be too scary?'

The "for you" is implied, but Dean actually snorts, before quickly tamping it down. 

'No, alpha. I think it's gonna be kitschy and fun.'

'Alright, then,' Castiel agrees and they go to the house. There's a bounce in Dean's step that wasn't there ever before, and his face looks so much younger when he's smiling like that, like he's lost in the lights and the sounds and the bustle, like he can forget about omegas and alphas for just this evening. Castiel's heart is full.

The queue isn't too long and they're seated in a small cart. The ride starts and a creaking door, painted to look like a cemetery gate, opens before them. The cart stutters along the way, making them jump every time it jams, and Castiel thinks that's the scariest part so far. But Dean's watching the fake skeletons and gravestones with huge eyes, and he laughs merrily when an employee dressed like a ghost jumps out at them, accompanied by the sound of chains and multiple boos. Then, they enter another "dimension" through another painted door, and there are plastic body parts dripping "blood" hanging above their heads. There comes a sound of a chainsaw, at first distantly, and then a man in a stitched mask scares them around the corner, wielding a real chainsaw and buzzing it a couple of times for effect. Dean laughs again, but Castiel can't help but curl a protective arm around him. Dean feels it, too, and before Castiel has a chance to feel embarrassed, the omega melts into his embrace and runs his thumb across his hand, soothingly.

The next door takes them to hell - at least that's the desired outcome, Castiel thinks, and he has to admit, this time it's more striking than the previous displays. It feels like they're rolling down a corridor full of flames; it's just red-orange crepe paper, but it rustles and moves like it's real fire, and it's a tad warmer inside, as well. A mist sprayed from above startles Castiel, and then the end of the corridor lights up and there's a huge open maw, with spiky teeth, and they're headed towards it. It's almost more menacing than tacky.

Then, as they approach it, a fire bursts inside it; real fire, this time, hot flames that produce a wave that hits their faces.

'Wow,' Dean says next to him.

'I think that's a safety violation,' Castiel replies, his hold on Dean tightening. Then, a recorded distorted voice booms over them: 

'I will devour you and your sins!' and it cackles wetly, long, rasping sounds. Castiel frowns; that's disturbing, and he sees Dean shaking next to him. He turns around, fervent, ready to comfort Dean or to escape the ride on foot if they have to, anything to make his omega feel better, but Dean's _laughing_. His body is shaking cause he's covering his mouth and trying to calm down. 

'Dean,' Castiel breathes, relieved and a little mad, cause he really worried. 

'Sorry,' Dean wipes his eyes and glances at him. 'This sounds so funny.'

The cart, predictably, takes a turn on the rails, mostly a safe distance away from the raging flames in the mouth of the devil, and they enter the last section. It's immediately cooler inside, and they're next to a ballroom with a wailing widow - half rotten. Castiel's feeling kind of uneasy. He can't understand the appeal; the ride is kind of depressing and silly, but Dean seems to love it.

'Oh my god, Corpse Bride who?' Dean asks, grinning widely, and turns to Castiel. On the other side, a projector is throwing shapes of ghosts and ghouls on a black surface. It doesn't look very convincing, but Dean points to it excitedly. 

The ride finally ends, and Castiel has to admit, it was more elaborate than he expected. It definitely feels good to be outside.

'That was so awesome!' Dean declares, and he can't seem to stop smiling. Castiel's willing to go _again_ , if it keeps that look on his face.

'I'm glad you enjoyed it. I thought the devil's voice and the fire, all that was kind of - too much,' he voices his opinion, but Dean stares at him. 

'The acid reflux devil, seriously? I thought it was hilarious. The laugh, it was like he was choking on something.'

'Probably our sins,' Castiel replies reflexively, and Dean laughs, surprised. 

'You're so funny,' he says, and looks at Castiel for a moment, his eyes gleaming in the red neons, an easy smile on his face. Seemingly on a whim, he leans in and hugs Castiel tightly. He's tense, like always at first, but Castiel notices that the omega keeps initiating embraces and kisses all day, and he hopes it becomes a habit. 

'Thanks so much for taking me here, alpha, and for taking this ride with me,' Dean mumbles into his coat. 'I love it!'

'That's no hardship, Dean,' Castiel tells him and hugs him back. 'Spending time with you is lovely.'

'Okay, now you pick, alpha,' Dean pulls back and gestures around, determined. 'We had my nightmarish fun, now let's do something you like.'

Castiel contemplates it, looking around; he has nothing specific in mind, but his eyes land on the Ferris Wheel. He has never been on one, but he thinks seeing the city lights from above could be great.

'How about this one?' he asks. Something crosses Dean's face - doubt, fear? - but he nods. 

'Sure,' he replies, but as they make their way there, he stalls minutely. They stop in front of the queue and Castiel sighs. Apparently it's not something Dean's going to share on his own.

'What's going on?'

'I kinda have this thing with - with heights,' Dean blurts out. Oh. 

'How did you ever get on an airplane?'

'I didn't,' Dean wraps his arms around his middle. 'Ain't been on a plane, ever.'

'Oh,' Castiel's surprised to hear that. He thought everyone flies nowadays. But it's new information about Dean, and he never expected that, but fine. 'That's alright, we'll go somewhere else.'

'No, I-' Dean grabs his arm, hesitates, eyes darting between the Wheel and Castiel. 'I think - I kinda want to - try?'

Castiel comes closer. 

'We don't have to do it just because I want it,' he assures Dean.

'I know,' Dean nods, staring at the ground. 'And I'm kinda, you know, but maybe with you, I'd wanna see how it is? But I - I mean-' he trails off, shrugging, looking lost.

Castiel thinks he understands. There are things that scare Dean but he wants to experience them nonetheless - like sex, or driving the car, or going out, and it sounds like this is another case like that. Sometimes he just needs a little push to dare to do something.

'What if I told you,' Castiel starts confidentially. 'That when we get up there, and we see the entire city, we're going to be kissing?'

That gets a reaction from Dean; he looks up, his eyes and scent hopeful.

'Yeah?' he asks quietly.

'Yes,' Castiel confirms, and squeezes his hand. 'And I'll be holding you so tight, you'll be completely safe. It'll be kind of like our anniversary date - above the city, just the two of us, I think it could be quite beautiful.'

He sees the decision in Dean's eyes, he sees him steel himself and nod, like he's slowly building confidence and strength.

'Okay.'

So they stand in the queue, and spend a lot of time there; Dean's face is all red from nerves and Castiel tries to engage him in a conversation, but he's not having it, replying in short, clipped sentences. When there's only one beta-omega pair in front of them, Dean squeezes Castiel's hand so hard he thinks his circulation is cut off, and grumbles:

'There better be a lot of kisses.'

'All the kisses, I promise,' Castiel rubs his back gently. He's so proud of his omega, constantly fighting his fears, never letting himself back down and resign from things that he really wants to do.

When it's their turn, they sit inside a cabin; well, Castiel sits, and Dean plasters himself to him, arms wrapped around him tightly. Maybe he seriously underestimated Dean's fear of heights.

The cabin moves with a start, going upwards, and Dean whimpers. He immediately clears his throat, though, and flushes. Castiel can smell how embarrassed and angry he is, but the scent of fear still overwhelms the other ones.

'It's okay,' he assures his omega. 'Don't you want to open your eyes?'

'No,' Dean whispers into the collar of Castiel's coat, his breath hot and erratic. 'I'm sorry.'

'Don't be. We're all afraid of something,' Castiel embraces him and caresses Dean's back.

'Yeah what are you afraid of,' the omega says in one breath, skeptical. It's obvious he's annoyed with himself, with his constant fear, and it makes Castiel mad at the unfairness of it. So,

'I'm afraid of dying,' he tells him, painfully honest. Dean opens his eyes, at that, and stares at him. Perhaps surprised at the confession. 'I'm afraid of hurting people, omegas especially, you know that. Sometimes I find it hard to stand up to authority. And I'm afraid of taking chances, of leaving the comfortable, safe yet boring routine. Even if it's something I no longer enjoy. But most of all, lately, I'm afraid of losing you.'

Dean looks at him searchingly, his green eyes unmoving and set on his face like Castiel's a riddle that Dean's trying very hard to solve. Finally, he huffs.

'I thought you were gonna say that you're afraid of clowns, or somethin',' he mumbles. 'That's so deep.'

But Castiel can see that the words moved him, even if he tries to make light of the situation. He starts to think that it's a common thing with Dean; he stores some information away for later, to digest it slowly - or most likely, pretend he doesn't digest it at all - while choosing to appear ignorant on the surface. It's an interesting trait, and Castiel doesn't quite understand it, but he thinks it might do with the way Dean sometimes says how there's too much of everything for him to cope. A way of stalling things that made him emotional. 

'You share your fears and insecurities with me, I think it's only fair I share mine,' Castiel tells him, and cards his fingers through Dean's short hair, scratching his scalp gently. Dean presses into the touch.

'Well, I, you know, worry about you too. That's why I like that rule you made.'

'Which one?'

'That we go everywhere together,' Dean explains. 'That way I can keep an eye on you. Make sure you don't get into any trouble.'

Castiel thinks that the way he curls in on himself, he expects to be mocked - probably thinks that no omega should say things like these. It's an alpha who always says "I'll keep an eye on you" and it's a threat, not a promise. The thought fills him with disgust. 

'I'm glad I can count on you to have my back,' Castiel replies, then, and Dean visibly uncurls. And then, smiles. It's weak, and he's still scared - too scared to look anywhere but Castiel's coat and his face, at best - but it's there.

The cabin is already reaching the top, and Castiel thinks it's high time he gave his omega some of the kisses he deserves. It's pure pleasure, and then want, when Dean accepts the kiss and then returns it, and then moans into his mouth when Castiel's hand finds its way under the omega's shirt. For a while, they're kissing like teenagers, uncoordinated and messy, Castiel wanting to touch Dean everywhere, Dean's fear evaporating and transforming into arousal. The omega presses a sheepish kiss to his neck, and Castiel tips his head to give him more surface to cover. Dean does so, still carefully, but eagerly all the same. He almost sits in Castiel's lap, and the alpha can smell omega slick, and that's when Dean extracts himself.

'I am _not_ mating anywhere above the ground,' he warns, but he smiles as he says it, and there's not one bit of fear left in him. 

'I don't want that,' Castiel replies, tightening his tie - Dean's deft fingers have loosened it when the omega kissed his neck. 'But you are right, we still have the rest of the fair to attend, we should behave.'

'But - I mean,' Dean bites his lip and Castiel knows he does it cause he's worried, but it still manages to look seductive and it makes him hot with arousal. 'Maybe when we get home?'

'Maybe when we get home,' Castiel agrees, a little teasingly, and Dean, his beautiful Dean with flaming cheeks and sparkling green eyes and lips wet and swollen from kissing, nods and drops his eyes bashfully. But he's grinning.

'It doesn't mean no chaste kisses, though,' the alpha reminds him, and tugs him closer. 'We're on top. We could see what the city looks like, what do you say?'

'You go ahead, alpha,' Dean says, not looking up from the black floor mat with anti-slip bumps, worn down with time. 'I think I might hurl and ruin the mood.'

'The mood should wait until we get home,' Castiel counters and stares at the city. Just like he thought, they can see all of it, thousands of lights, and it's beautiful. 'Really, Dean, you made it this far for a reason, didn't you?'

'It wasn't to see the city,' Dean shrugs.

'Then what was it?' Castiel's nonplussed. He really thought his omega wanted to see the view, and if not, well - he hopes it doesn't only leave the option of 'did it to please his alpha'. _That_ would ruin the mood far worse than Dean really getting sick in the cabin. And still, Castiel wouldn't yell at him, he'd never yell at him. Dean makes wonderful progress, especially today, but they still have ways to go, and he's trying so hard.

'Ah, I don't-' Dean starts, and fidgets in place. 'W-well, sometimes when I do something like that, I feel better later on. I feel less - useless.'

Castiel frowns.

'Because you confronted your fears?'

'Yeah,' he's sure Dean rolls his eyes. 'So it's kinda the after that counts.'

'Well, I'd like the "during" to count as well, and the city really looks amazing. You don't have to, but that's the point of this ride. I think I even see our house.'

'Really?' Dean knits his brow together, and slowly, so slowly, raises his gaze. Of course, he looks in the wrong direction; he looks at the wheel, which is the worst possible place to look with a fear of heights, and draws a big, loud breath. 

'Holyshitthat'shigh,' he exhales. Castiel points to the city and gently tilts Dean's head upwards, so he can pay attention to something else.

'Here,' he says, soothingly. 'See, the whole city in front of us. Can you spot our house? Or the building I work at?'

Dean's grip is shy of painful and very strong, but he tries to focus on this game, and Castiel kisses his cheek. That relaxes him far more quickly than any words or reassurances. 

'I t-think,' Dean says, and points to one of the higher buildings, one with a grey roof. 'The one on the left, that's your office?'

'That's right, you're very good at this,' Castiel praises, even though it's actually the building next to it, and he feels a little bad about lying. But only until Dean turns to him and smiles gratefully. 

He shows him their house, and then the streets they drove on just this morning, and then they try to find the restaurant where Charlie took them, to no avail. The wheel moves and slowly, they're descending again, and he feels Dean calm down when they get closer to the ground. They exchange some more lazy kisses, restrained, this time, and Dean feels so warm and _right_ against him, Castiel calls the ride a success.

'And you didn't even throw up once,' he tells Dean when they're walking again, the omega staring at the ground like he's planning to lie down and kiss it. 

'Was a close call,' Dean replies, but he seems lighter again, and Castiel thinks he smells... satisfied. Good.

Dean says he definitely won't go on the swing rides, nor the Log Fall Ride which composes of a boat falling down a water slide. Castiel won't complain; they're all tall and frankly, sort of unsafe looking. But then, something catches Dean's eye; a stand with plastic guns and a pyramid of cans in a distance, and a promise of coupons if they manage to shoot some down.

'I'll hit them all!' Dean declares assertively, so Castiel follows him to the stand and watches his omega pick up the plastic gun. He readies himself to comfort his husband in case this fails horribly.

'You're letting your bitch try?' the guy responsible for the stand sneers at Castiel, looking down on Dean. 'The only shot he should be getting is down his throat, if you know what I-'

'Stop talking,' Castiel's blood boils, he sees red, he's going to _maim_ this man, he's going to rip his vocal cords out so he can never insult his omega again-

He steps closer, ready to attack, but then Dean calls out to him, a little urgently:

'Alpha, look!'

So Castiel stops in his tracks. Dean's wary, but he looks relieved once the alpha focuses on him. He doesn't seem to be phased by the other man's horrible remarks, more like - it's more like he doesn't _want_ Castiel to react at all. He takes a stance, easily, like he's falling back into a familiar position, and he shoots without flinching, almost no pause between the shots.

He hits all the cans.

'Coupons please,' Dean holds out his hand to the man who runs the stand, a sweet yet infuriating smile on his face. Castiel's new biggest enemy looks outraged, then he looks scandalized, but he does rip a long line of coupons and pushes them into Dean's waiting hand. This is still a job and he doesn't want to lose it, Castiel supposes, but he's still willing to demolish this stand - and this man.

'Look, we got so many!' Dean turns to him and grins, and they're walking away. Then he reads the labels of the coupons and gasps. 'We can get popcorn _and_ cotton candy if we get ten more!'

Castiel grabs his hand.

'You stopped me,' he says; he doesn't want to ruin Dean's good mood, but he needs answers. 'Why?'

Dean shrugs.

'I didn't want there to be a scene,' he mutters, dropping his eyes. 'Shit like that happens all the time, and I don't mind.'

'I do,' Castiel protests. 'I could've taught him a lesson-'

'I _know,_ ' Dean stops and looks at him. 'I know you could, and it's - just knowing that you wanted to, it's enough, alpha. Look - before, I mean, Alastair would just join in. Or he'd start it, calling me names and stuff. But not you,' he smiles hesitantly. 'That means more than you beating him up, and us getting kicked out of here.'

Castiel purses his lips and looks away.

'I still wish-'

'You and me, we can punch lots of people, but it's not gonna change all the other alphas,' Dean convinces him. 'So I think not letting them ruin this for us, instead? Sounds like a better plan.'

Castiel's still mad and he doesn't fully agree with Dean; but his omega was finally having a good time, and he's right about one thing. They're supposed to lead a happy, fulfilling life despite the alphas' behavior, despite Alastair's behavior, so protecting Dean from vile words can wait until there's no evening to be ruined.

Dean's watching him anxiously, like he's waiting for him to turn back and still charge at the other man.

'Ten more coupons, you say?' Castiel asks, forcing himself to calm down, and Dean brightens up instantly.

'Yeah!' he says, and shows his prize to Castiel, a little shyly. 'We could eat it together, if you wanna. I've never had cotton candy, before.'

'I could just buy it for you.'

'Ain't the same,' Dean mumbles, putting his hands in his pockets.

'Then I only have one question for you,' Castiel trails off until Dean looks at him, again, curious even if a bit apprehensive. 'How well can you throw tennis balls?'

 

 

Dean's really good at throwing, it turns out, and it's no surprise, given how he's apparently great at throwing knives. He still misses one target and gets a look on his face like the world is ending.

'You got 92% of them, Dean,' Castiel chastises him. 'This is no cause for sorrow.'

'I swear I'm usually better than that, just been a while,' the omega says, still annoyed at himself. 

'We won five coupons, only five more to go.'

'I can shoot again. Can I?' and he looks hopeful, so Castiel leads him to another stand with plastic guns, this time western-themed. No one makes any comments this time around, and Dean hits small wooden cowboys, one after another. 

'Yes!' Dean cheers, but then he's presented a choice: either coupons or a gold, gleaming sheriff star. Castiel sees the hesitation on Dean's face, and then he sees the shame; then, he sees the exact moment when his omega makes a decision, pushing the star away, and he steps in and grabs it. 

'We're taking this,' he tells the motherly looking older beta, and she nods, and says, "Sorry, kid," to Dean, unaware of the omega's internal struggle. Alpha's word comes first, of course, so if the omega wants coupons, tough luck.

'It's stupid,' Dean murmurs, cheeks pink _again_. Castiel loves the way he blushes so easily; sometimes he thinks that he didn't have many reasons to do so before, and now he gets so flustered and sweet whenever he hears a compliment or receives affection. It makes his freckles stand out more and Castiel just feels like leaving soft kisses all over that pink skin, everytime. For a flash, he wonders if Dean's buttocks would also redden like that, after administering a... (loving) spanking. He imagines putting his hands all over that hot flesh, kneading and pulling the cheeks apart, only to see Dean's-

He clears his throat and stands to the side, so that the sudden bulge in his pants can be hidden by a table, but his movement is too obvious and Dean notices, of course. Castiel feels humiliated.

'Cowboys turn you on?' Dean asks, kind of weirded out, but also... interested. 

'No,' Castiel chokes out, takes a step away from the crowds, so they won't be heard in case his omega asks any more embarrassing questions.

'Hey, it's okay, alpha,' Dean assures him, stepping closer. 'You - you could fuck me with a cowboy hat on?'

_what the hell_ , 'No!' Castiel almost exclaims, and this time it's him whose face is red. 'It's not about cowboys, Dean. I was just admiring the way you looked.'

'Oh,' he swears Dean sounds kind of disappointed. 'But I mean, just so you know, it wouldn't bother me.'

'Alright, well, now I know,' Castiel replies awkwardly and presses a fist to his erection, willing it to go away. 'Thank you for your sincerity.'

'Do you, uh, want some help?' Dean asks warily, casting a glance around. He tenses up.

'No,' the alpha rushes to say. 'No, thank you. It's just a small one, it'll pass soon.'

'Don't look so small to me,' Dean replies and then stops and blinks, as if he didn't mean to say that. 'Sorry. But maybe we can just go, and you'll get busy and it'll disappear?'

'I can't just _walk_ in public like that, Dean!'

'Why not?' Dean frowns, legitimately confused. Castiel doesn't remember seeing too many alphas sporting hard-ons in public, surely that can't be what Dean thinks everyday life is like? Or maybe Castiel's really _that_ clueless?

'Because I think it's an intimate reaction and should remain private.'

'Huh,' Dean says and Castiel waits for him to add that it's weird, but he takes his coat off instead, and ties it around the alpha's waist. 'There. The fashion police might be out to get you, but no one can see it anymore.'

Castiel's hit with a wave of gratitude for being understood, and maybe also - 

_love_

'You'll get cold,' he protests.

'No way, it's so hot in here,' Dean replies easily. 'So, we got the plastic star instead of profitable coupons, why, exactly?'

'Because you like it,' Castiel says simply and takes it from Dean's hands, and pins it to his shirt. Dean looks away, abashed. 'You're an incredible marksman. I think you're very talented.'

'Then can we go to another stand, so that I can finally get my corn?' the omega voices it like a whiny complaint, but he's not fooling anyone. Castiel sees that he's pleased, that the small star made him happy. With Dean, as it turns out, it's mostly the little things. Or maybe things that seem little to him aren't such to Dean.

They try another stand, and the omega hits all the targets, again. It's the last shooting stand at the fair, and Castiel can't help but drink in Dean's confident stance, long lines of his body, his ruffled hair and his focused face, eyes sharp and mouth set in a thin line just before he fires. The neon lights behind Dean make him seem like he's out of this world, this strong, handsome man in a feracious glow of a thousand blinding lights, and he's all Castiel's to keep, to protect, to love.

A soft _ping_ of a foam bullet hitting the target seems loud and jarring, and startles him out of his thoughts.

In no time Dean already turns to him, a satisfied grin on his face as he holds the coupons, but Castiel's busy thinking, _i have to feel those hands on me._

He only feels said hands when Dean passes the coupons to him, and they set out to find the food stand, which smells so strongly of greasy corn - both on the cob and popped - and tooth-rotting sweets, it's no feat to navigate there. On the way, though, Dean stops by a machine. It's called "Hammer Master" and it's an arcade that someone's supposed to hit hard enough to reach the top of a flashing display.

'Ooh, I wanna try,' Dean says and grabs the hammer. 'I can, right?'

'Of course,' Castiel nods politely, and watches the omega struggle to pick it up.

'Fu- uh, I mean, it's heavy,' Dean strains to hold it, but then, he takes a big swing and hits the huge button in the middle with all his might.

The pointer stops at a mere 200 out of a 1000 score.

'What?' Dean asks, and he sounds heartbroken. 'No way I'm so weak!'

He is weak, though. Years of malnutrition and abuse have had their effect on the omega, but Castiel doesn't tell him that. Besides, he's already getting better, and the goal is to have him healthy and strong soon, so it won't matter.

'Alpha? Can you try?' 

Castiel looks at him and sees that Dean's staring at him pleadingly, eyes wide.

'Alright. I think I can get to a thousand,' he announces, and sees Dean shake his head.

'No way, this thing is unbeatable.'

Castiel hands his omega the coat, as the situation seems to be back... under control, and he picks up the hammer. It is heavy, but it's nothing to him. He's been lifting weights at the gym for years before Dean arrived. He looks back at his omega who's staring at him, arms crossed, eyebrows raised. 

He smashes the button with the hammer. 

His and Dean's eyes follow the pointer as it slides up, and up, and up the tall scoreboard, until the entire display lights up and there's a hissing sound of steam coming from above. "Hammer Master!" the machine proclaims in blue neon writing, and the pointer stays stuck at 1000. The machine whirrs as it prints out miles of coupons.

'Oh my God,' Dean says, his eyes fixed on Castiel, shining more than usual. 'That was - I mean-' he shifts from one foot to another, and a tiny scent of arousal makes its way to the alpha. He smiles.

'Unbeatable, you said?' he teases, but Dean's on him in seconds, kissing him passionately. 

'You're so strong, alpha,' he pants, and Castiel wraps his arms around him. 'You've got - got real strong h-hands.'

There's no more kisses after the first one, not from Dean, who looks shocked at his own audacity and slowly tenses in Castiel's hold. The alpha thinks it's his cue to release the omega; he doesn't want him to feel trapped, and he does so, taking a step back and picking up the coupons.

'I think it's time to eat,' he says and they walk to the food stand. Holding hands.

Dean gets his cotton candy and a bag of popcorn, and then nachos with sauce and a huge soda; all courtesy of the coupons they gathered. They sit down by the table and share the nachos, and Dean insists that Castiel drink the soda with him. Afterwards they wander around, chewing popcorn, and the omega devours cotton candy. Castiel tries a piece and makes a face.

'That's too sweet, it will rot your teeth,' he tells Dean, who shrugs and says, 'Okay,' and throws the remaining candy in the trash before Castiel can react. He doesn't seem upset by it; he turns to the alpha and smiles widely, and says:

'Thanks for letting me try at all! I missed candy.'

That's unsettling, Castiel didn't mean it like an order, and definitely didn't intend for Dean to just throw it away, because it was obviously making him happy. He hates that even despite their rapid progress, he still has to think twice about what he's saying and how it will be interpreted by his omega. Sometimes it's too easy to forget that and he feels so guilty.

He wonders if he should explain it to Dean, but he doesn't think it would change anything. Before he can make a decision, Dean's tugging at his coat sheepishly, and he's pointing to another ride. 

'Wanna go, alpha?' he asks. 'Or - I mean, if it's already time to leave, that's okay, too.'

'We can stay here as long as you want,' Castiel tells him. Dean's gesturing towards a Mirror Maze. It's not so much a ride as it is a walk-through attraction. It does look interesting. 'I've never been to one. Let's go.'

'Yes!' Dean cheers. They're handed a pair of gloves each before they step inside, not to smudge the mirrors with their fingerprints. When they enter it, it's glowing eerily, thanks to the blue and red lights installed on the ceiling. They move cautiously, their hands stretched out, and they manage to make it to a round room in the middle. The mirrors distort their image, and Castiel appears to have a very small head and a large torso in one, and it looks so silly, he snorts a laugh. Dean laughs as soon as he sees it, too, and he sees his arms become disproportionally big in another mirror, and he flexes and raises his eyebrows at Castiel. 

'Now I'm as buff as you,' he says, and the alpha puts on a doubtful face. 

'You're still not the Hammer Master.'

Dean cracks up again.

'Please don't call yourself that. Ever.'

They conquer the rest of the maze, but manage to get lost once - it's easier with no people around, no one to follow - and Castiel eventually spots an EXIT sign and they go that way. He enjoys the attraction, and enjoys the way Dean gravitates towards him at every turn.

When they leave the maze, Castiel takes a breath of the fresh evening air. There's a live band playing, but Dean has his eyes set on another ride - a small roller-coaster.

'We're gonna go fast!' he beams at the alpha and Castiel wraps his arm around his waist and hugs him close. They really do go fast, but it's just one loop going sideways and with a small but definite descent in the middle, and Castiel feels a little sick after the third round. But Dean's tucked close to him and he even lets out a small "woo!" when the wagon slides down. Castiel's stomach drops. He can't say that he likes this ride much. But Dean's elated and when it's done, and he stops and asks, shyly, if they can go again.

'I don't think this ride is for me, I'm sorry,' Castiel says and sees Dean's face fall a little, but also sees him try to shrug it off like it's nothing. 'But you go. I'll be right here, watching you.'

'Uhhh,' Dean hesitates, staring at the roller coaster. He wants to, it's clear, but he smells so torn and unsure, Castiel thinks he should push. 

'Really, Dean. You like it, there's no reason for you to not go again. Come on,' he smiles to assure his omega that it's alright, and they walk up to the wagons once more. The queue isn't long and Castiel informs the staff member that Dean "is to sit alone" and it goes without any issues. Dean sends him a weak smile, like he's still a little overwhelmed and uncertain, but Castiel promises that he's going to stand where the omega can see him, and he does so. 

He watches Dean take the ride loop after loop, and his omega spots him and then, a little timidly, raises his hand and waves, smiling. Castiel waves back, feeling warm and less lonely than ever, and... happy. He feels happy.

He's right there by the rotating gate to join Dean, who thanks him joyfully. It's getting late and Castiel hopes that they will mate when they come back, but for now, his omega wants to see the band. So they walk to the stage, where most people already stand drinking and swaying to the music. It's country, and Castiel thinks it's neither his nor Dean's preferred music, but the omega puts his head on the alpha's shoulder and relaxes, content, looking at the band.

'This is like, the best evening ever,' he says out of nowhere. Castiel smiles.

'Better than our first date?' he asks, amused. He hopes Dean won't get scared and he doesn't.

'Not better,' the omega decides after a moment. 'But just as great.'

Then, he does something that shocks Castiel. He snakes a hand under the alpha's coat, under his shirt, and puts it on his back, on the bare skin. It seems to take all the effort he has, because he doesn't move it, just leaves it there. Maybe he doesn't even know what to do next, how to be intimate?

'Is this date gonna end like our first o-one?' he whispers questioningly, loaded with anxiety, but stuttering just once. Castiel can see the beginning of lust in his eyes; he can see Dean lick his lips slowly and glance at his own for a blink.

'If you want it to,' he replies, moving even closer, their eyes inches apart. 'I would love that. I-'

' _Please_ kiss me,' Dean interrupts him, so Castiel does. He kisses him once, and Dean says, 'I really- like-' so he kisses him twice, '- when you - kiss me,' so he gets a third kiss, and he returns it this time. 

'We should get home,' Castiel says and takes a step back, still holding Dean. 'Unless you still want to go on some ride?'

Dean smirks and opens his mouth like he's going to say something - inappropriate? - but he restrains himself at the last minute and just shakes his head. Pity. Castiel would have loved to hear what he had to say. 

'Let's go,' Dean replies instead, and he's leading them away from the crowd. He still looks around a little wistfully as they near the exit.

'Dean, we really can stay, I've already been erect once today,' Castiel tells him seriously. He doesn't want the omega to hurry just because he thinks they should mate as soon as he becomes aroused.

Dean's face gets all red and he rubs the nape of his neck with his free hand. He smells embarrassed. Why? Castiel frowns. Perhaps the choice of words was unfortunate. Was he too blunt?

'No, that's alright,' Dean chuckles a little, staring at the ground. 'I - you - it's not that. I wanna go. I just, you know, I'm gonna miss it, I guess? It was so much fun. I never thought I'd ever-' he trails off, and shrugs, and picks up the pace. Castiel gets it, though. 

'Hey,' he says, and tugs on Dean's hand gently, until he looks up. 'This is _not_ the last time we're having fun like that. I promise. There won't be anything to miss.'

Dean looks like he doesn't believe him but he wants to, and he puts on a wavering smile and nods. They leave the fair, and stop by the car in the parking lot, and Castiel kisses him for a long time, until he stops smelling so unsure and a little sad, and becomes... interested instead. 

He pulls away, panting a little, and Dean's blushing again, and he murmurs:

'I'm horny,' like it's something to be horribly ashamed of. 

'I can smell,' Castiel tells him, hoping to soothe him, but Dean just looks more flustered and he looks away. 'I'm aroused as well.'

'I-I'm scared I'll stain your seat,' Dean stammers nervously and Castiel hates it, hates the way he hunches his shoulders and how he won't meet his eyes. It's perfectly normal for the alpha to say they need sex, but not for an omega, apparently, he thinks bitterly. 'I can sit in the footwell? I'm used to it, it's fine-'

'No,' Castiel growls, and Dean really becomes scared, it's like he reverts back to the way he used to be before they - before they got to know each other. This is going horribly. 'Dean. Please tell me what's wrong. Everything was fine just moments ago.'

Dean fidgets under his gaze and shrugs.

'I don't know,' he admits, and he sounds lost and frustrated. 'I don't know!' 

'That's okay,' Castiel comforts him, his voice low. 'You don't have to know. What do you want to do?'

'I'm horny,' Dean repeats like a broken record, helplessly, like he expects Castiel to understand what he's getting at. 

'That's great, so am I,' he tells him, and steps closer. 'Do you wish to mate?'

'I shouldn't tell you this!' Dean bursts out, angry and scared and aroused, all at the same time. 'We should do it when _you_ want it! And I - back there, I - I touched you, I-'

'The last time you didn't tell me you wanted to have sex,' Castiel interrupts him, because he can't panic _now_ , when they're about to have a perfect evening full of intimate touches and kisses and snuggling, and Dean being _happy_. 'I used my hands on you and you seemed satisfied.'

'An understatement,' Dean shoots back, disgruntled.

'So imagine how good will it be when you do tell me that you want to mate,' he smiles at his omega smugly and puts his hands on his hips. 'Everything's alright, baby. You know I love it when you tell me things. It -' he wonders how to put it without sounding formal. 'It turns me on.'

That gets a startled laugh out of Dean. Castiel kisses his cheek, and then his neck, and Dean slumps against the car.

'My - my bite,' Dean whispers into Castiel's hair. 'Go - go there, please?'

Castiel shoves Dean's coat and shirt collars out of the way unceremoniously and he kisses the scar, and then sucks on it, and his omega moans before he bites his lip to silence it. The smell of slick permeates the air.

'Do you like it when I put my mouth there, omega?' Castiel asks against his skin, nibbling at his shoulder. Dean's hands hang limply at his sides, and the alpha yearns to feel him. His mate nods fervently.

'Like it so much,' he exhales. 'Can feel it - everywhere.' He shivers.

'Please touch me,' Castiel almost begs, sudden vulnerability in his voice, and he knows it must sound unlike him, because Dean stares at him strangely. 

'Where?' he asks, his hand raised in the air hesitantly. God, Castiel will really have to work on his self-confidence. They have plenty of time, yes, but moments like these, it's really hard to be patient, with his cock hot and hard and straining in his pants and with his omega smelling so good.

He grabs Dean's hand and slowly brings it to the bulge in his pants.

'Okay?' he asks, still reminding himself to always leave Dean a way out. But Dean breathes hard when his hand closes around his cock, and his eyes are much darker.

'Wow,' he sighs. 'You're so big, alpha. Never got to touch you before, when you were this big.'

That's true, Dean only touched his cock in the shower, and it wasn't even fully hard back then. The thought wakes something primal inside him. His mate is touching him like that for the first time.

'Do you want to touch more?' he asks, already unzipping his pants and still kissing and licking Dean's shoulder. The omega's fingers quickly dive down his underwear and close around his cock.

'Ohh,' Castiel sighs and rests his head on Dean's shoulder, their bodies flush against each other. 'You - I-'

Dean's hand moves expertly, even in the confines of clothes, spreading the precome so it's not too dry, and he is good. He seems to know just how to touch, where to apply pressure, when to - when to -

'Do you like it?' Dean asks a little warily, and Castiel can't believe his omega's really doubting himself, because his toes curl and for the first time in forever, he can't seem to be able to think, and it's _glorious,_ his body alight with pleasure-

'Mmm I - uh, Dean, God, yes, Dean, I-' he closes his eyes and tips his head back, his hands tightening their hold on his mate. 

'That much?' Dean's eyes are open wide, his eyebrows raised. He's surprised, but he takes his hand back and Castiel almost whines at the loss of friction. 'I can't keep going, it'll get dry and hurt. Unless you'll let me-' he licks his lips suggestively, staring at Castiel's red cock peeking out of his pants, like he's considering it. 'I'm even better at that.'

And the image of Dean here, on his knees, taking him into his mouth and maybe - maybe sucking-

'Let's - let's go home,' Castiel says urgently, tucking himself back in, which is hard, because, he's, well, hard. 'I want to - I want to be with you.'

'Okay,' Dean agrees, and this time, he doesn't look scared or dubious. He wears a light smile, and he seems overwhelmed that he had such an effect on the alpha. Castiel's surprised too. But it's a good, it's an amazing, a wonderful surprise. 

He unlocks the car and Dean sits down, hopefully no longer worrying about staining the seat; Castiel zooms through the streets, just below the speed limit, because he still wants to live, and Dean both drives him crazy and grounds him the way he keeps his hand on his thigh, occasionally stroking it with his thumb.

He parks in front of their house applying a little too much force on the breaks, and then leads Dean to their hallway by the hand. As soon as the doors close, he's all over him, helping him out of his coat while kissing him, and Dean laughs and trips when he tries to toe off his sneakers. 

'Gotta - gotta untie'em,' he says, gently pushing Castiel away, and that small gesture is both powerful and sweet, because Castiel knows Dean never would've done that around Alastair. His brain only insists on one thing, though, _mate mate mate_ and he whines, frustrated, which makes Dean laugh again, and it fills him with warmth for a new, different reason.

'Almost there, alpha,' he puts his shoes on the bottom shelf, where he usually keeps them, and Castiel can't decide if that's good or worrying, that he doesn't just throw them somewhere in the heat of the moment. But then, Dean stops half-crouched on the floor and looks up at him, a strange expression crossing his face, and he says:

'I want you so bad.'

It sounds a little lost and a little shocked, laced with need and want, and Castiel tugs him back up and pushes him against the wall and hugs him so close, he hopes they become one, and covers him in hungry kisses. Dean responds, a little slowly, at first, but then Castiel touches him between the legs and he makes a sound like he's just become alive.

'Jeans off, please, get'em off,' he urges, and helps Castiel unbutton them and slide them down his hips. Then, he pushes his underwear down with no inhibitions. 

'Now, now, please,' he pleads and wraps his hands around Castiel and rests his forehead against his. The alpha obliges eagerly; he grabs Dean's little cock, and it's so wet, Castiel didn't know it was possible to be this aroused. Dean must've been so self-restrained in the car...

'Oh,' Dean sighs deeply and pushes his hips forward. 'Yesss...'

'I have to undress, I have to-' Castiel starts, because if he doesn't get out of his clothes and inside Dean in the next thirty seconds, he's going to lose his mind. 

'You don't gotta,' Dean pants, and opens his eyes to stare at him. 'Just you know, your, your pants-'

'You'd like that?' Castiel asks, and kisses Dean's cheek, his teeth grazing the skin, his hand still working Dean. 'Me in my coat and tie, fully clothed, you - you n-naked?'

'Maybe,' Dean says back, but he doesn't drop his eyes, this time. And then, he bats Castiel's hand away, and freezes. 'Fuck, I'm sorry,' he looks scared for a moment, a flash of fear-scent hitting them like lightning, and it makes Castiel stumble back a step. 'It's, God please I wanna go on, I just don't want the collar. I don't want it,' he sounds almost desperate. 'Please. I'm so sorry.'

Castiel immediately goes for it, unbuckling it, and Dean helps him, his fingers shaking but not from fear, not anymore, and they both unlock the collar and throw it somewhere. Then, Dean grabs the hem of his plaid shirt and takes it off without unbuttoning it, and then his black T-shirt, and that's it, he's naked and bare and every bit gorgeous, and he doesn't have the time to cover himself like he usually does, because Castiel's kissing him all over, his mouth latching onto his nipple and sucking there, which earns him a gasp.

Dean cradles his head with his hands, his fingers carding through his hair and digging in when the alpha kisses and sucks on a nasty scar.

'You're beautiful despite them all, Dean, you're so beautiful,' Castiel pants against his skin and then straightens up and dives for his mouth, for his red, swollen, inviting lips, and they make out until he can't breathe. 

'Get in me, please, I'm ready-' Dean says and spreads his legs. 

'We should - the couch,' Castiel replies, but doesn't stop the kissing and doesn't stop a tremor that goes through him at Dean's show of submission. 'And - lube, we need to prep you, I-'

'I'll stretch on your cock,' Dean persuades him, and in that moment, he sounds very convincing. 'I'm so fucking wet I swear alpha, all ready for you-'

Castiel growls and grabs Dean's hand, wants to take him on the couch, but Dean stops him. 

'No - I want -'

'What?' Castiel doesn't mean to sound impatient but he is, he is impatient as he unzips his pants and pushes them just a bit down his hips, and he gives himself a few strokes. He's vibrating with need, he can't wait to bury himself inside his omega, his mate- 

'Can I ask for just one thing just this one time,' Dean more says than asks, and it's rushed, and Castiel tries to remind himself how much newer this has to be for his omega, and how well he's doing. And how affected he is, flushed and trembling against the wall, covered in evidence of their lust, a bruise already forming on his hip and his lips and cheeks glistening from their kisses. It brings him to a stop, lets some logic back into his annoyingly caveman brain, _mate mate mate_ , it's disgusting. 

'I'm sorry,' he says. 'I hurt you,' he points to the bruise. He promised himself he'd never lose control and here he is, completely losing it. He promised Dean he'd always be safe here, and he behaves like an animal.

'No no it's okay,' Dean assures him, though, surprisingly insistent. 'I - I just wanted-'

'Anything you want,' Castiel promises, moving back towards him, so that they're chest to chest again, he can't stay away. Their cocks rub against each other and he gasps, and so does Dean, his eyelids fluttering. The omega moves his hips experimentally and moans. 

'I never knew- I didn't know you could do that!' he exclaims in awe, and he's so sweaty, they haven't even really started - 'Feels so good-'

'What do you want, Dean?' Castiel asks, because more of this and they're both going to come before they mate. 

'Hold me,' Dean demands, a little sheepishly, but too lost in his lust to worry again. 'Like, up the wall, hold me up with your strong fucking arms, alpha, please, just tonight.'

Castiel's brain pretty much short-circuits after that.

He grabs Dean and picks him up, and Dean gasps out a _yes yes yes fuck you're strong_ and wraps his legs around him, and Castiel knows just what to do, and Dean didn't lie, he's so wet they don't need prepping, they don't need anything, so Castiel lines up and pushes inside him and Dean almost screams, but his habits still stop him from being loud. He makes a weird cut-off sound, but he thumps his head back against a wall and says _please please_ so Castiel moves, and fucks him hard and fast, and Dean, his sweet sensitive Dean, proceed-with-caution Dean, holds him so tightly he thinks he'll have his hands imprinted on his skin forever, and he whispers _yes yes yes_ with every thrust, sliding up and down the wall, and Castiel wants to worry about his back but really all he can feel is Dean's heat, the feeling of being inside him of moving inside him of being one with him, and _touch yourself baby_ he says because his hands are full, full of his perfect mate, and Dean does. He tugs at himself and then speeds up and his breath comes out in whimpering pants, and Castiel wishes he'd moan, wishes he'd scream, but all he gets is a whine when Dean comes, long and hard, all over his stomach. It's Castiel who moans, then, and says _my good boy, my omega, mine,_ and Dean whispers, spent but glowing, he says, _yours_ , and it's such a simple word, but it sends Castiel over the edge. 

He can't see for a moment, can't hear, his knot expanding and locking in Dean's body, and he slumps forward, catching Dean in his arms. They're breathing hard, Dean's covered in sweat and he smells so good, so much like sex and mate and sated, Castiel hugs him and scents him, taking big whiffs of air. 

'Are you - alright?' he finally asks Dean, when they seem to have recovered a little. He gets a timid nod against his shoulder and he's instantly worried. 'Dean? Are you hurt? Are you okay?'

'M'fine,' Dean mumbles and Castiel forces him back so he can take a look at him. He looks a little tired but fine, he smiles a little. But he's... something's off.

Castiel strengthens his hold on Dean and carries him to the couch, trying to hold his pants and not trip, Dean clinging to him. He sits them down and drapes a blanket over them. 

'Now, he says, kissing Dean's cheek softly. 'Tell me what's wrong.'

'Nothin',' Dean says. 'It was like the best fuck of my life.'

'New number one?' Castiel raises his eyebrows, but he feels the same. They told each other they'd raise the bar in the future, and they did. 

'Yeah,' Dean admits and squirms, tugging on Castiel's knot. 'I mean, oh my God, I wanted to mate since we were on that wheel. I was so f- uh, so horny. But... you're not mad?'

'Why would I be?' Castiel frowns, hard. 'It was - Dean, it was incredible.'

'Yeah but I kept swearing, and, fuck - ugh, shit, see, I keep doing that, and I pushed you away when you were touching me. I'm sorry.'

'Don't you dare be sorry for that,' Castiel chastises him and Dean ducks his head. 'I loved that, I like it when you do things you want to. I _want_ that, is that clear?'

'Yeah,' Dean mumbles. 'I just don't get it. It was so - so rough.'

'You wanted it, though, right?' Castiel asks, feeling panic claw up his throat. 'I thought- did I-' he won't forgive himself if he read the signs wrong, if he hurt Dean, if he-

' _Yes_ I wanted it,' Dean interrupts him. 'I did, and that's the problem, I love mating with you cause you're always so nice, I told you, so why did I like this? I don't like when alphas are rough with me. But God, that was, I mean... wow. Is it - is it gonna - change things?'

He whispers the last part and goes rigid in Castiel's hold, and Castiel hates it, but he thinks he understands. 

'If you're asking if we'll never make sweet slow love like we used to, the answer's no,' he says firmly. 

Dean casts a worried glance at his face.

'So like yes to sweet slow love or no, cause I didn't really get that-'

'Yes, Dean, we can have sex many ways, any way you want and like,' Castiel assures him. 'And don't overthink it, please. We agreed that there are things that you enjoy with me even though you don't enjoy them with other people. Yes?'

'Yeah,' Dean grumbles. 'Makes no sense, but yeah.'

'It does make sense,' Castiel argues. 'There are always people we just like more, and like doing things with them more, or another way.'

Dean brightens up a little.

'I like you lots,' he says and smiles meekly. 'Thanks for going along with what I wanted. It was embarrassing but - but I'm glad I said it.'

'I behaved like an animal with no brain, I think that was way more embarrassing,' Castiel counters, upset with himself. He feels blessed that Dean didn't get scared or traumatized by his knothead alpha behavior.

'What? No!' Dean protests, forcefully. 'I, okay, I'm gonna - I kinda like it, okay? And it makes me kinda, you know, like, what the hell? Cause am I scared, or not, am I just a whiny b-' he stops under Castiel's warning gaze. He will not allow his omega to call himself names. '-baby,' Dean finished petulantly. 'I thought it'd be easier when things get better, after he died, but my brain's all messed up. It's not fair.'

'It's not,' Castiel agrees. 'But you're doing better every day. And I'm sorry if I scared you. I still never would've hurt you-'

'I know,' Dean waves his hand in the air, dismissing him. 'You freaking stopped with a raging boner just cause you saw you left a bruise. And you listened to me asking for things. No one would've - I'm serious, no one except you would've, and I'd've never gotten mad or anything, we were so deep into it, it's just life. You're - I'm just sayin', you're kinda special, alpha, and I don't mind if you go all big dominant beast on me sometimes.'

'Alright,' Castiel agrees, pleased despite himself, and Dean smiles, real and honest, and throws his arms around him.

'I had the best day today,' he says, content. 'Are we gonna cuddle like before? Until the knot goes down?'

'I hope so,' Castiel embraces him and relaxes. It went well, it went much better than he expected, and despite their serious talk, now he can really bask in it, in their bodies pressed together. He wonders if the material of his coat doesn't irritate Dean's skin, and he'll have to look at his back later on, but for now, they can just rest together. He realizes, sliding his palms over Dean's back, that this might've been the best day ever for him, as well. The driving, seeing Dean so happy, feeling - feeling like his life has a purpose, now, like it's not so black and white anymore, just get up, work, eat takeout, go to sleep and repeat. Dean makes everything colorful again, makes life suddenly seem full of possibilities and surprises - dangers, too - but he's excited, he's excited to go places, he's excited to take Dean to work, he's excited to _live._ He has ideas, he has hopes, he feels creative and happy and - and alive. 

He just hopes Dean feels the same, but he's optimistic. He's optimistic about a lot of things right now, and there's a smile on his face when he falls asleep, his mate in his arms. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> omg that corny ending, i know!! yes i wrote 12K in three days, yes it's terrifying, everytime i look at the word count i cry!
> 
> i was very sick those past 2 weeks, out of comission, but boy did i want to write. so i guess creativity piled up and when i could finally write, i really did write, and i had a great great time working on this chapter. i hope everyone's going to enjoy it! dean has a very good evening for once, and he gets to let go a "little". things move fast!
> 
> i also have a "prequel" if anyone's interested, dropped it a while ago but after the last chapter so a heads up (its next work in the series, "show me the miles"). it's how dean and cas meet. not my most satisfying work but other readers seemed to like it! 
> 
> let me know what you think! did you like it, did you hate it, is this good progress for cas and dean! dont know how long until the next update, i sure af hope i wont get sick again (on christmas!!! that would suck ew!!!) but in case i dont manage to update in the next two weeks, merry christmas!!! thanks for all the support on this fic like always, i am mind.blown! <3 xoxo tacos


	23. Chapter 23

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> timeline: day 13 (05/09)

Alpha looked so, so hot when he held him up against the wall, he looked wild and lust-drunk and _not_ scary. He was hungry for it but not just for a fuck, not just for an omega body, he was hungry for _Dean_ , and it has Dean's head spinning; alpha hungry for his body riddled with scars, for his unruly mouth, for his words, for his sounds; Dean said _yours_ and it felt good, it felt amazing to belong to someone he wants to belong to, and Castiel fucking came from that, looking, looking - 

Looking like Dean did that to him.

Which is why Dean's in the upstairs bathroom right now, jacking off into his closed fist. He can't get alpha out of his mind, not with the way he was - so confident, so strong, so - affected... This has never happened to Dean. When he stuck his hand down alpha's pants, alpha has melted under it, alpha clearly loved it and Dean didn't even really get started, it was incredible. It made him feel powerful. It took years to get as good as he is now, but to Alastair, being good was supposed to be the standard, so to see that he can make someone - his best alpha - fall apart like that, that's-

That's not something he knows, at all, but God it feels good.

He also never needed to come twice the same night, but now he does, now he thinks if he doesn't let off some steam he's going to explode.

He speeds up, thinking about alpha's hooded eyes, the scratch of his stubble on his chest, the firmness of his arms holding him up, the unforgiving pace, the rawness of it and Castiel telling him to touch himself and then, then telling him he was good when he-

Came.

Dean slumps against the wall and has to grip the sink not to collapse, he's exhausted. When alpha fell asleep downstairs, it took more than an hour for the knot to come down, and when Dean got off of it, Castiel didn't even wake. So Dean covered him with the blanket and got up, and tried to think because he had to prepare for the next day, visiting alpha's work, but he just _had_ to make a quick stop first.

Now he's done with the stop and he steps into the tub to wash up. The water is scalding, just how he likes it, and he cleans himself, though he knows he's going to miss alpha's scent. He feels a little wonky, and he thinks maybe he's dropping, like last time, but he's not sure. 

Two things worry him; the next day, and alpha possibly being mad about him jerking off on his own. But alpha doesn't get how weird, how outlandish it would be to ask for a handjob, and Dean doesn't know how to explain it to him. 

Plus, alpha's not gonna get mad. Dean's like, 98% sure at this point. The stunts he pulls all the time; swearing, saying disrespectful things, joking; telling his alpha what not to say, demanding things for himself; just taking and taking and taking, and alpha _never_ gets mad. He likes it. 

It's so fucked up, Dean doesn't know what to do with it. One of these days, he's gonna find out what really riles alpha up, but so far, it's nothing, nada, zip, and it's driving him crazy.

Everything he's been taught the hard way suddenly doesn't apply anymore. But Castiel has to have some rules too, there have to be some boundaries to what Dean can do, and he just has to find them. Sometimes he feels more daring and he can try to test the waters; more often, he's too chickenshit to push, and he retreats. 

Is it really so hard to get punished just once?

Not like he wants it, except he kinda does. He just wants to know what Castiel is like at his worst. He wants to know the size of the room he's in, so he can stay within it in the future and live happily with alpha and never cross the threshold. Sometimes, he thinks it's only then that he'll really be able to relax.

But first, he has to focus on tomorrow. 

Work is taboo. Work is - work is something no omega ever dares to interfere with. This is a clear rule from before Alastair, and it's one Dean honors eagerly. It makes sense to him - alpha provides, so he takes care of alpha. Whether he likes it or not, alphas run the world, and he respects Castiel and respects his hard work, therefore, he respects his job. It's simple math and he likes simple, he likes when things make sense.

So, he's going to be perfect tomorrow.

Back in the bedroom, he stands in front of the drawer and picks out his best clothes. He has to both hide his scars and look presentable, but he has a pair of jeans and a very nice shirt, and he thinks it'll do. 

He goes downstairs, still just in his boxers. His hole hurts and fuck, alpha's gonna worry again. But he doesn't regret the mating, not one bit, so. Maybe they should really stretch him. Would feel weird, doing that outside of sex, like during the day. It makes Dean feel uneasy and he's not sure if he wants it. He's still so weird about sex, Jesus, like yes he likes it, but yes he's scared, and sometimes he doesn't even want it, not at all. 

 _So why were you such a slut just hours ago?_ Alastair asks in the back of his mind, amused. _Always told you that's all you are._

 _Shut up_ , Dean thinks, but of course he doesn't.

 _Oh alpha, so ready for you,_ a voice mocks him, and he's not sure if it's Alastair or him, probably both. It was him, when he was pressed against that wall, he realizes, mortified. He really did say that.

Suddenly, he feels disgusting and he hates it, the intensity of it, out of nowhere, he hates how he can't enjoy anything because it was good, he loved it, and now - now with every passing second, he regrets it more and more. 

'Shut up,' he whispers, his voice breaking, and he thinks he's going to cry. Instead, he goes past alpha who's still dead asleep on the couch, and opens the fridge and gets busy. 

He has to bring some sort of gift for alpha's coworkers, he knows that. He settles on baking cupcakes, cause he's too tired to make pie or cake, and he has a cupcake mix so it doesn't take much effort. He uses a spoon instead of a mixer, not to make much noise, but alpha doesn't move the entire time when he bakes a tray after a tray, until he runs out of ingredients and has sixty cupcakes ready.

Like a goddamn baking factory, he thinks, stacking them on one another and wrapping them in tin foil. Alpha still doesn't wake. Dean sits on the bench by the kitchen table and tries one cupcake. It's chocolate with more chocolate inside, and it's good, and he eats it bit by bit, his chin propped on his elbows, watching the clock, waiting for the morning.

 

 

He's warm, and there's a hand rubbing his back. 

'Dean,' someone whispers insistently.

He cracks his eyes open, and it hurts, the light stabs them like a vicious knife, so he groans and closes them again. His head is so heavy, he just wants to go back to sleep.

'Dean,' the voice repeats, louder, this time, and he forces himself to wake up, cause it's probably alpha.

'What are you doing?' sure, yeah, it's Castiel, and he looks _so_ worried, it sobers Dean up. 'When did you bake all this, why?'

Dean straightens up and it hurts, thousands of pinpricks in his arms and his shoulders, neck aching from the uncomfortable position. He still has half of the cupcake in his hand. There's a blanket wrapped tightly around him but it's new, cause he's cold under it. It's morning.

'R'w'late?' he mumbles and clears his throat. That would be the worst, they can't be late, not because of him.

'No,' Castiel replies, soothingly, and sits down next to him. 'Why do we need so many cupcakes, baby?'

Fuck.

'Is it too many? I'm sorry,' Dean says miserably, and there's dread, stale and choking, crawling up his throat. He hates this. 'I thought it'd make a good gift. For your work? We have to bring something. I, I have to bring something. So they know I'm a good omega. That's how it works, that's how I - am I, is it a bad idea?'

Maybe they hate cupcakes. Maybe it's a shit idea, bringing cheap pastries as if he's going to a kindergarten get-together instead of a professional working place, where people much smarter and more capable than him build math formulas and codewords and whatever until it's some insane functioning program worth thousands of bucks. And he's bringing Pillsbury funfetti.

'Let me get this right,' Castiel says slowly, looking between him and the fifty-nine cupcakes. 'After my knot went down, you got up and spent the rest of the night baking dozens of cupcakes for my coworkers so they know you're a proper omega.'

'Yeah,' Dean nods, uneasy, and then alpha hides his face in his hands and sighs deeply, and fuck, he is disappointed.

'Dean-'

'I also went upstairs to jack off,' Dean reveals, shaking in his seat, his body scared, but he's not. He knows alpha won't hit him for it, but he's let him down, and that's almost worse. It fills Dean with despair, and he's not even sure what it was that made alpha so sad. 'I'm so sorry.'

He drops his eyes and stares at his lap, tightening the blanket around himself. He doesn't know how to fix it and he shakes and shakes, waiting for alpha to do something.

'Oh no,' Castiel says, alarmed. 'No, come here, right now,' he grabs Dean who flinches, but Castiel doesn't mind and he still tugs him closer, almost lifts him, until Dean sits in his lap. Alpha wraps his arms around him.

'Are you dropping?' he asks seriously. 'Did you drop when you woke up?'

'Didn't sleep at all, not really,' Dean replies quietly. 'When I got up, you were out of it, but I was still so - I had to - you know. Is that okay?'

'Dean, I really need you to use more words.'

Dean sighs.

'I'm talking about when I jacked off,' he admits, flushing. 'I know you said I should tell you.'

He hides his face in alpha's shirt.

'That's okay,' alpha tells him and rubs his back. 'Where did you do it?'

'What?' Dean pulls back to stare at him, so surprised at the weird question. He really expected alpha to say something deep, to either admonish him or tell him he's an idiot for worrying. 'In the bathroom, like always.'

'You know you can do it in our bed, as well? Anywhere you want, really. As long as it isn't - well, improper.'

Dean can't even imagine lying down in bed when alpha's not around, just cause he wants to, and then jerking off. 

'I think an omega doing it at all is pretty improper,' he replies seriously. 'I'd never do it in our bed.'

'But I'm telling you, you can,' alpha tells him patiently. 'This is our house, and these are our rules. I want you to be comfortable during your... private moments.'

'I shouldn't have private moments. I shouldn't have them at all!' Dean protests, upset, why can't Castiel understand how the world works?!

'And yet you have them,' alpha raises his hand and strokes his cheek, as if trying to soothe him. Dean kinda hates it, but loves it even more. 'And I really can't tell why it's a problem, because you seem to make use of those moments anyway. You only worry afterwards.

Are you sure it's not because you're dropping?'

'I don't know!' Dean leans further back, the edge of the table digging into his lower back, but he doesn't want to talk, he's tired of talking. 'Last week, I didn't even know that was a real thing, and now I gotta self-diagnose?!'

'Shh,' Castiel grabs his arm and pulls him closer, but Dean resists, like a child throwing a fit. He hates himself, he hates the confusing questions, he hates the rules that aren't rules at all, he hates alpha for being so patient and lenient with him, he hates _everything_.

'Let me go!' he demands, he _demands_ , and then when alpha does, because of course he does, even though Dean's body expected the opposite, he bolts and makes it to the corner of the kitchen - whole four steps away - and stops there, like an idiot that he is. 

Castiel's watching him with curiosity, his face open, he's not worried or mad. Dean's thrown back to the time when Alastair watched him like a new species of animal, like he discovered he had some tricks up his sleeve he never showed before, when Dean OCD-tripped after his knee broke. Castiel's face both reminds him of it and is something else altogether, because alpha's not surprised. He's watching him like he expected this kind of reaction, and he's not clinical about it, there's a bit of pity on his face and a whole lot of compassion.

'I don't know what's going on with me,' Dean says, and at once, slumps against the kitchen counter, defeated, all his anger leaving in an instant. 'I'm so fucking sorry, I'll never do that again.'

'I know what's going on with you, Dean,' Castiel tells him gently, and Dean feels his heart speed up.

'You do?' he asks, both baffled and painfully hopeful, because if someone tells him what to fix, he can do it.

'Yes. And you don't have to talk anymore, just listen to what I have to say. Will that be easier?'

Dean nods, relieved.

'I'm sad because I never anticipated you would give up your night's sleep to prepare for a meeting with my coworkers. I know you've met a lot of horrible alphas, but my friends legitimately wish to meet you, and they're not looking to be impressed.'

Oh, fuck, so it was a mistake then. Now Castiel thinks Dean's a regular kiss-ass.

'I wasn't tryin' to suck up,' he quickly says. 'I just don't want them to think you got - me. And don't - don't get mad-'

'I won't.'

'But you know how I am. Everyone knows. Everyone knows I was so bad at first, Alastair had to train me, and later he would just add the scars for no reason or even though I tried, but no one knows _that._ Alphas and betas see me and they think, wow, this one's never learned to be a good omega. And you know me, so you know how I am, but I don't want other people to say, hey, Castiel got a used-up one that doesn't know how to behave.'

He sees alpha frown deeply, and something in his face changes.

'Do you know what I thought when I first saw you?' alpha asks. 'It was in your file. I saw the full body photo, and I saw all the scars.'

Dean curls into himself.

'Not sure if I want to know,' he chuckles offhandedly, and he hates how vulnerable it sounds.

'I thought, "this man is so strong. He's been through so much and everyday, he still fights." That was what I thought then, and that is what I think now, except now I really know the extent of your abuse. Or at least I think I do.'

Dean doesn't know what to say to that. He'd think alpha's bullshitting him, but he stares at him without flinching and he just sounds so honest and so poetic, like always.

'Every alpha and beta who isn't a brainwashed abuser will recognize your scars for what they really are - marks your ex-alpha left on you because he was a monster. You might think it's nothing, Dean, but I can't imagine living with Alastair and getting up everyday, knowing he was going to hurt me, knowing there was no way out for me, that I did not have any say in how my life was going to go. Knowing that I was going to have to starve for hours because I missed the bus or the queue in the grocery store was too long. Knowing that my own husband had every right to beat me or send me to a facility that would beat me further, and no one would stop him.' 

Dean shudders, listening to it, because imagining alpha in his place, shivering with cold and hunger next to Alastair's bed, it's horrifying, it's worse than the nightmares, it's-

'Please don't say that,' he pleads, shaken to his core. 'I would never - I can't even think of him hurting you.'

But he does, he thinks of Castiel, his strong handsome alpha, being thin and pale and naked, kneeling on the floor waiting for Alastair to come home. He thinks of Castiel rolling around at night and snuggling up to Alastair in bed, the only source of _warm_ and _touch_ , and being kicked so hard he lands on the floor and starts spewing apologies, curling into a ball, because he's so scared.

It breaks something inside him so bad, he never knew this kind of pain, because it's so different. If he was there, if he was there he'd storm in and he'd protect his alpha and if Alastair had to hurt someone, he'd hurt Dean, because Castiel in his place is just so wrong. It's wrong like that flip his stomach made whenever Alastair smiled and Dean realized he made an irreversible mistake in some task and it was too late; wrong like cleaning an empty house for half his life when no one was living there, just an empty husk of a guy he used to be and his alpha who never even used half of the sparkling glasses. 

He covers his face with his hands and a sob tears out of his throat.

'Dean,' alpha sounds so pained, and he's by his side in seconds, and he embraces him tightly, even if Dean can't contain a flinch. 'I'm not telling you this to make you cry. I'm telling you this because it's okay to feel conflicted, and _that's_ what's going on with you. You have spent twenty years living on emergency mode. _Twenty years._ You're doing so good, but recovery always takes time, and you have to let it. You're so kind to me, but you have to be kind to yourself too, sometimes.'

Dean sniffs, and wipes his cheek on alpha's shirt unceremoniously. 

'But only sometimes,' he says weakly, his voice thick with tears. 'Can't be goin' soft.'

'Of course not,' alpha smiles at him and it's so beautiful, it steals Dean's breath away. There's still pain and regret in his eyes, but there's also this stupid, naive hope. 'I'm not mad at you, not about anything.'

'Not even jacking off,' Dean checks suspiciously.

'No.'

'Not even baking sixty cupcakes in the dead of night instead of sleeping.'

'No,' Castiel rolls his eyes with a smile. 'Is it really sixty? You know I have only four coworkers, right?'

'You're not even mad about me yelling at you right now?'

'No,' Castiel promises and leans in and kisses him chastely, and Dean lets him. 'I told you, and I will repeat that all the time, I love hearing what you think.'

'It turns you on,' Dean reminds him with a sheepish, teasing smile. He still feels unbalanced, but better. A lot better. 

Castiel laughs, surprised. 

'Yes, but not always literally-'

'I know,' Dean mumbles, fighting the urge to roll his eyes. 

'But it always makes me happy. So we still don't know if you dropped or not, but we can have a lot of physical contact all day, just to make sure you're okay.'

'In that case I think I'm definitely dropping right now,' Dean declares seriously and Castiel snorts and smacks his chest lightly in such a warm, friendly way, Dean's heart stutters and he stares, eyes wide open, a dopey smile on his face, and that's it, he leans close and kisses alpha before he can lose it.

It's just a peck, but there's no loaded, uncomfortable silence, there's nothing awkward about it; alpha looks so pleased, and he takes Dean's hand and leads him back to the table.

'So, sixty cupcakes,' he starts, taking it all in. 'All chocolate?'

'No, some are funfetti, some vanilla. I think. Or maybe lemon, I wasn't really paying attention to labels. Here, try, alpha,' he picks one up and hands it to alpha. 'And I prepared an outfit and you _gotta_ tell me if I look good.'

'You look good in anything,' Castiel tells him and it's so casual, Dean stops and blinks. 'This is delicious!'

He already reaches for the next one and Dean can't help the warmth spreading inside him at the sight.

'Clothes, alpha,' he reminds, because he glanced at the clock, and they don't have that much time. Castiel goes upstairs with him, snatching the third flavor on the way.

'The jeans are fine,' he says, eyeing the outfit Dean's laid out on the bed. 'But the shirt isn't. You'll get cold, you need to wear a sweater.'

'I love my sweater but it's not very... you know. Elegant.'

'Dean, do you know how programmers dress?' Castiel raises his eyebrows, stuffing the rest of the cupcake in his mouth. 

'You're a programmer,' Dean frowns, pointing to his outfit. Alpha always wears a suit, a tie and the trench coat. Castiel looks down at himself, and frowns as well.

'Oh, yes, but I've been told I'm stuck up,' he replies. Dean doesn't like the way he says it, like someone bullied him and he just accepted it. 'Most people wear T-shirts and plaid shirts. Though now that you mentioned it, my clothes are in no shape to be worn today.'

Dean grimaces. He thought about undressing alpha as he slept, but it was so late and he was so tired, he just took off his coat. The result is a million wrinkles but more importantly, certain stains on both the shirt and the pants.

'You have a spare in the bottom drawer,' he says. 'But I'll load the laundry when we get back home.'

'I have a spare?' Castiel bends down and opens the drawer. 'Dean, that's my whole outfit!'

'Yeah, that's kinda the point.'

'I thought you meant more shirts and pants, but this is ready with the tie and socks and underwear-'

'Yeah,' Dean shrugs, surprised that alpha's so enthusiastic about it. Castiel picks it all up and throws it on the bed, and comes over and kisses Dean on the lips. Dean gets to taste his own cupcakes. Definitely lemon. 

'You're the best husband ever,' Castiel declares and strips right there, in front of Dean, who makes a startled sound and tries to cover it up with an unconvincing cough. He has seen naked alphas more than he cares to remember, but the funny feeling in his stomach is unique to Castiel. And alpha has no problem with nudity, not around Dean.  

'I'll just grab a quick shower,' he says with a smile and rushes to the bathroom, and Dean tries not to choke on his tongue when he sees his entire package on display. It's even worse seeing it in daylight when they're not turned on, or maybe better, Dean can't decide. 

He already has fresh underwear on so he puts on the jeans they agreed on, but he's still not sure about the sweater. What if he looks super underdressed next to all those people? Fuck, he's so worried about embarrassing alpha. He has to keep himself in check, no swearing, no stupid remarks, no excessive cringing, no jumping at louder sounds. Polite and nice, and _normal,_ that's his goal for today. 

Alpha's back, and he seems to be surrounded by steam from the shower, and he's still so wet. Not caring, he wipes his hair with a towel, and then the... rest of himself, while grabbing things around the bedroom and throwing them inside his briefcase. A notepad, a pen, Dean sees it all, and Dean definitely sees when he bends down to retrieve something from the nightstand and-

'Alpha,' Dean says weakly, because this is _a lot_ to see, and alpha's so oblivious. He turns around, prompted, wide-eyed and attentive.

'Oh! My nudity bothers you,' he realizes in that hopeless, endearing way of his, and wraps the towel around his waist. 'I apologize.'

Dean knows he has to be red like a tomato, but he smiles a little.

'Nah, it's, I mean, it's not like I mind it, it's just not the best time, maybe.'

Castiel frowns, and then raises his eyebrows.

'My body arouses you?'

Like, what the fuck.

'I thought that was kinda obvious,' Dean mutters, wishing he had something to do instead of standing there like a deer in the headlights. 'You know, all the times I kissed you and climbed you and admired your strong hands and your - other body parts -'

'Yes, of course,' Castiel replies quickly, and he seems really flustered. Dean doesn't get it. 'That was a stupid question.'

'Really, it's the whole thing,' Dean adds, because he thinks it's important. 'Your body, and you.'

Castiel laughs at that, and Dean's smile widens. He did okay.

'That's comforting,' alpha replies, and finally, starts dressing up. 'I just don't really get compliments often, I suppose, and you surprised me. I think I'm pretty regular looking.'

'What the fuck?' Dean can't help himself, but he gapes at alpha, shocked. 'You're like a - like a Greek god or something!' 

Castiel looks so... baffled, exposed, so bare for a moment, Dean feels like he's the first ever to see him that way. _my mate_ , something inside him says, and that's really weird, because it's not even _my alpha_ , it sounds like they're equal, it sounds like they're two halves of the same thing.

'A Greek god,' Castiel repeats after him, uncertainly, but pleased all the same.

'A really buff one, tall, buff Greek god with blue eyes,' Dean specifies appreciatively.

'Well, thank you,' Castiel replies a little awkwardly, but then grins sheepishly, sounding shy. 'You're very tall yourself. I think you're taller than me?'

Yeah, Dean is, but he hates it and he slouches like he usually does, the smile slipping off his face.

'I can't help it,' he says, cause he doesn't wanna say he's sorry, cause he thinks alpha wouldn't like that. Castiel crosses the distance between them and he smells upset.

'Stand tall, Dean,' he tells him, so Dean sighs and does, his head straight but his eyes lowered. 'You are, I think you might have an inch or two on me!'

Dean would make a joke and maybe even get away with it, but he's not in the mood.

'Alphas don't like it,' he says. 'Me being taller.'

'Nonsense,' Castiel replies sternly. 'It just means that there's more of you to kiss.'

Dean does roll his eyes this time but really, this is like the sweetest thing anyone has ever said to him, and if he weren't already blushing to the max he'd blush even more, and then Castiel hugs him and really starts kissing his shoulder and his chest, and Dean giggles and pushes him away.

'Tickles,' he says, but their eyes are shining, and they're grinning, and Dean thinks he has never felt so close to anyone, not like this. He thinks maybe it's because alpha feels the same.

He is so goddamn lucky to have landed this alpha out of all alphas out there. 

Yes, and he was about to earn it. So he clears his throat and tries to convince alpha to let him wear the stylish shirt again, but alpha says no, and it's rare for him to be so stern, but he says he will not let Dean get sick again, so the green sweater it is. They prepare together, and then they carry the cupcakes to the car, and drive.

 

 

 

On the way, Dean gets really nervous, like really really nervous, more than before meeting Charlie. Castiel tries hard to help him relax; he finds a rock radio station and taps his fingers to it on the steering wheel, and asks him if he likes it, and tells him the cupcakes are great, and that he's excited to go to work with him. 

Dean watches the tall building as they approach it. Tenth floor, alpha said, he remembers. They drive to an underground parking lot, and stop in front of a plate pinned to the wall that says "Castiel Novak".

Dean gasps.

'You have your own _parking space?_ ' he asks in awe. Alpha's gotta be _super_ important around here. 

'Yes,' Castiel smiles at him. 'I got one when I got my own office. Dean-' he says as he kills the engine, and turns serious. 'I have some rules for when we go inside.'

'Sure,' Dean nods, totally focused. Rules are great. 

'If anyone, and I mean anyone, even someone I consider my friend, tries to... touch you, or ask private questions, tell me right away.'

Dean frowns.

'What's it mean private questions? Like, how private?'

'Anything you feel uncomfortable talking about. Or questions about our sex life. I've heard it's a common thing to ask, for alphas.'

'Charlie asked me,' Dean blurts out. 'I never told you. Back when she was at our place. She asked me if you scratched me when we mated.'

The scratches are barely visible, now, and mostly hidden under the collar, so Dean hopes the question won't repeat.

'Oh,' Castiel replies, a little... surprised, but not taken aback, Dean notes. 'Did that bother you?'

Dean shrugs.

'No, tell me.'

'Kinda,' Dean mumbles. 'I know it shouldn't matter. But I don't really like talking about it. I like it when it's just you and me.'

'Me too,' Castiel grabs his hand and squeezes it. 'So, anyone asks you anything, you tell them you don't want to talk about it.'

'But they can get mad!'

'No, because it's a rule. I'm your alpha and you should listen to me, right? If anyone gets mad, tell them to take it up with me.'

Dean chews on his lower lip nervously, but nods. He was just going to be polite, but now he also has to watch out not to say anything about their private life. And he wasn't going to, but God, what if something slips out?

'And the next rule - you don't go anywhere without asking me, alright?'

'Okay,' Dean nods and this rule is better, it makes him feel safer. 

'And the last one, rule number three, if you feel bad or sad or overwhelmed, you tell me. It doesn't matter if we're talking to someone, or if it's a meeting, you tell me right away.'

'Okay.'

'Repeat the rules, please,' Castiel instructs him, gently.

'Tell you when I feel bad, ask your permission to go anywhere, rat out your friends if they make a move on me or ask me sex stuff.'

'Not just my friends,' Castiel corrects him. 'Anyone.'

'Anyone,' Dean confirms, nodding. 

'Alright,' Castiel gives him a tight-slash-excited smile. 'Let's go. It's going to be fine, Dean, maybe even more than that.'

They carry the cupcakes and make it to the front entrance, up the stairs. It's really futuristic and Dean looks around the gigantic glass hallway. They go up to the front desk where Castiel scans his ID, and an older guy, a beta, lets them in. 

'My omega Dean is with me today,' Castiel tells him with a smile. 

'Pretty thing, ain't ya?' the guard asks, staring at Dean, but it lacks the usual leer. It sounds... friendly? 'Good to know Castiel's finally settling down with a mate. Been a long time coming, if you ask me.'

'Dean did not ask you, Bert,' Castiel rolls his eyes, exasperated. 

'M'Bert,' the guard holds out his hand, blatantly ignoring alpha, and Dean realizes he's supposed to shake it. He does so, warily, but Bert smiles. 'Hope to see you around, kid.'

'Thank you,' Dean replies politely. The guy's so nice! 'Would you, uh, would you like a cupcake?'

'Hell yes,' Bert's very eager, it seems, so Castiel helps him unwrap the tinfoil and they offer one flavor to the guard. 

'Dean baked them,' Castiel says and he sounds - proud?

'He's a keeper,' Bert replies appreciatively and sets the cupcakes on the counter. 'Took some for Greg too, if y'all don't mind. We're both sitting on our asses until five, at least.'

'We'll leave before that, I think,' Castiel takes Dean's hand and tugs on it. 'See you later!'

Bert grunts, already busy eating, and alpha takes Dean into an elevator. Dean steps very close to him and holds his hand like an anchor. 

'Did I do okay?' he asks anxiously.

'Yes, of course,' Castiel tells him soothingly. 'Bert is - I've known him for years, and he's a good guard but he can talk for hours, if you let him, and it's not very engaging. One time we got snowed in, years ago, and I helped him shovel the road. He told me all about his first and second marriage, and then all of his visits to the hospital. There were many. It was a bit... boring.'

'Oh,' Dean acknowledges it. 'And who's Greg?'

'The other guard. I haven't talked to him much.'

Dean hums in consideration, his hand tightening around Castiel's when the elevator stops with a _ding_. They get out on the tenth floor, and are immediately greeted with a sight of small cubicles, and people clicking away on their laptops and computers _. A lot_ of people. Some heads turn and Dean inches even closer to Castiel, but his husband leads the way without stopping, until they reach a solid wooden door with a "Novak" on it. Alpha has to let go of Dean's hand to unlock it, but in no time they're inside a spacious office with a nice, wide desk, a cabinet and a couch, and a huge window.

'Wow,' Dean sighs, stopping in front of the window. He can see so much of the city. He thinks he could sit there just looking out all day, and it doesn't even make him dizzy the way high places usually do.

'Do you like the view?' Castiel asks, leaving the cupcakes on the desk. Dean nods, and then turns around. The rest of the office is kind of depressing, the grey walls, the empty desk; people usually have knick knacks around... or so he thought. But Castiel's desk only has a few stray pens on it, and a block of sticky notes. Dean touches the couch. It's made from leather and it looks very expensive. 

'Can I sit on it?' he asks, and he feels lost like the first time when he arrived in Castiel's house. Everything was foreign and scary, and every step seemed like the wrong one. 

'Of course,' alpha sits down next to him and Dean follows his suit. His hole hurts when he sits, it hurts almost the way it did the last time, and he doesn't want to talk about it.

 _But it's a rule,_ he reminds himself. Even if Castiel lets him keep some things private, this isn't one of them. He said so, many times before. 

'I have to tell you something,' he admits before he can get too scared again. 'But I don't want to.'

Castiel frowns.

'Because you're scared? You think it'll make me mad?'

'No, I think it'll make you worried,' Dean says miserably, looking at alpha for guidance. 

'Well, now it already has,' Castiel tries to smile, but he looks really nervous, and now Dean can smell it, too. Fuck. 'Whatever it is, I need to know, but we'll work it out-'

'It hurts after yesterday,' Dean reveals, flushing. 'Not as much as before, but it does. And you told me I should-'

'Oh God, I forgot,' Castiel rubs his eyes, and then turns to stare back at Dean. 'I'm so sorry, baby. I can't believe I didn't ask you before. Why didn't you tell me at home?'

Well, okay, this is less freaking out than Dean expected.

'Cause a, you blame yourself right away and you're sad though it's not your fault, and two, I don't really know how to change that,' Dean hunches his shoulders. 'I know you told me about plugs. But I don't know if - I think it'd feel weird. I'm not sure I-'

'If you don't want that, we'll look for another solution.'

'Yeah, but we can't always be ready,' Dean complains. 'We're pretty, you know, spontaneous. And I like that, cause I don't always feel up for it. As you know.'

'We'll read about it at home. Or we'll go to the pharmacy or the doctor-'

'Not the doctor,' Dean interrupts him fervently and grabs his hands. 'Please, not the doctor-'

'Not the doctor, then,' Castiel soothes him immediately. 'I might call mine, if that'd make you feel better? I'd just ask about it on the phone. No one would talk to you or see you.'

Dean hesitates. That's better and he should be grateful, but it's still bad.

'We'll think about it at home,' Castiel decides for him. 'Just tell me how bad it is. Can I get you some painkillers before you apply the ointment when we go back?'

'No pills,' Dean says. ' I don't need anything.'

'I have some that would take the pain away and also make you a bit more relaxed,' Castiel tells him, gets up and heads for the desk to find a box of pills in the drawer. Dean sits, rooted to the spot. 

'You want to drug me?' he asks, his lips numb, memories of the red pill package flashing before his eyes. More relaxed means going to sleep, right? 

'No,' Castiel says, worried, and Dean blinks and sees he's sitting next to him, again. When did that happen? He vaguely saw him move around, but he was too lost in his own memories. 'This is your choice. These pills, I took them when I had - problems.'

'What kinda problems?' Dean asks faintly, trying to shake it off. Because he knows Castiel won't, Castiel won't, Castiel never does. It only makes him hate the unwelcome thoughts and waves of terror more. 

'Anxiety,' Castiel replies, looking down, and he smells embarrassed, which Dean can finally focus on. 'Panic attacks. After I left my family and Amelia and started my life here, it was pretty frequent. It doesn't happen often anymore, but I still keep the medication. It's not strong, it won't make you too tired. Just less nervous.'

Dean shakes his head. 

'No, I'm okay,' he says. 'I don't want pills. I want to be myself.'

Castiel opens his mouth like he's going to say something, but then he doesn't. He just nods and embraces Dean, and Dean leans into it happily.

'I think we should come out of here. I have a conference scheduled at nine.'

Dean definitely does not nuzzle alpha's neck, and definitely does not tighten his hold, because he's scared and overwhelmed and kinda wants to call the whole thing off and go home.

'Sure,' is what he says, and he lets go. He can do this. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> back in 2020 & they finally go to work! with some minor overthinking on dean's part. i don't have much to say about this and the next chapter, mostly dissatisfied (unlike with the previous chapter that was pleasure to write), yes i know that you all hate when i whine about my underwhelming creative process but it is what it is, and i'm moving on! posting the rest right after this, it seemed like a lot for one chapter so it goes into two. hope you enjoyed this angst and fluff and then finally some (?) action!!!!


	24. Chapter 24

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> timeline: still day 13 (05/09)

Alpha holds his hand when they exit the room. Alpha's briefcase stays behind, but not the cupcakes and not his laptop, and they balance it nicely as Dean follows Castiel to a long conference room with glass walls overlooking the entire office. Some people glance at them, some even stare, but no one stops them or asks them anything. Dean wonders if the workers at their computers never talk to Castiel, because he expected some greetings, at least. Maybe alpha doesn't know them. 

They enter the glass office, and there are people sitting at the long table, looking at their laptops tiredly and talking. They all raise their heads as Castiel enters, though, stopping whatever they were chatting about, and get up. They all get up.

'Hello,' Castiel says.

Dean puts down the cupcakes and tries to look both subdued and not scared. It's not easy. He stares at the floor, like he should. 

Castiel's coworkers greet them with hi's and hey's and Dean wonders if he should introduce himself. There's only two people he doesn't know - the lanky guy, Garth, his brain supplies - and a woman. He doesn't remember her name.

'I brought Dean with me today,' alpha continues, and Dean must smell nervous, because he wraps his arm around him and hugs him to his side. Like before, when they were having that video call at the house and Dean interrupted, he remembers. The alphas come closer, but Benny and Charlie are chatting, so he doesn't feel awkward. Dean flinches hard into Castiel's side when Garth holds out a hand for him to... shake?

'Hey, dude! I'm Garth,' he says, smiling widely. Dean looks up at him and manages a strained smile and a respectful nod. The hand is still in the air, relentless. Dean glances back at alpha, and Castiel gives him an almost imperceptible nod, so Dean quickly shakes the hand and snatches his hand away.

He doesn't think he'd _ever_ shaken an alpha's hand. Back - back with dad, maybe -

'I'm Jody,' the other woman says. She has short hair and is seemingly older than him and Castiel. 'It's nice of your husband to finally let us meet you. Will you be staying here during the meeting?'

Dean's grateful to have some sort of question to reply to.

'Y-yes, Ma'am, if I may, that is,' he mumbles, and then clears his throat quietly. 'I won't make a sound. It's very nice to meet everyone, and - and to see you again, Mr. Benny and - Charlie,' he glances up at them and tries to nod in their direction, too, but he's beyond himself with anxiety. 

'So how do you like the city so far, Dean?' Jody asks. Dean makes accidental eye contact with Benny and sees the huge man smile at him gently, and he returns it timidly. He likes Benny most of them, he thinks. Charlie's nice too, but she's so nervous sometimes, he feels like she makes him nervous, too. 

'Uh, it's very - cool,' Dean replies, strained. 'Loved the fair.'

'You went to the fair already?' Charlie asks, looking between Dean and Castiel. 'Was it okay?'

'It was great,' Castiel replies with a squeeze of Dean's hand, and when Dean looks back at him, he gives him a knowing smile. Dean loves it. It really was great, not just the fair but also the other... activities, and he loves how it's something that's just between the two of them. 'Thank you very much for the tickets, Charlie.'

'Yeah, we - I really loved it, thank you,' Dean adds politely, but it's true. 

'Dean baked cupcakes for everyone,' Castiel announces and opens the container. Alphas gather around it. 

'Oh man, my favourite!' Garth cheers and picks four funfetti cupcakes. So, apparently, successful people enjoy them too. 'Thanks a lot, dude!'

Dean smiles hesitantly, but he feels Castiel rub his back as his coworkers help themselves. They all take more than one and sit back down at their laptops, and Dean's glad they don't linger just out of some obligation to alpha, feeling forced to make small talk with him. 

'Henry and the guy from the other department are going to be joining us,' Charlie tells Castiel, and he startles. 

'The lawyer?' he asks, and it sounds really hostile. Dean's surprised. Is that the guy alpha mentioned yesterday, the one that annoyed him?

'No, he's gone. I think he went back to his city. But Henry's still around, and I mean Ketch.'

Castiel groans. 'I didn't know he was going to be here.'

'We're ready,' Jody tells him with a smile. 'We can handle him.'

'Arthur Ketch will be dedicated to proving to us that our project is pointless,' Castiel explains Dean, who listens intently. 'It's... infuriating, sometimes.'

'I'm sure your project is great,' Dean insists. 'I'm gonna be, uh, silently supporting you.'

'You can sit right here,' Castiel leads him to a seat next to Charlie and even pulls out the chair for him. Dean sits down and totally flushes when Castiel kisses his head before going to the projector and hooking up his laptop. 

'This is delicious, Dean,' Charlie tells him. 'Later, when we're done with the meeting, I can show you around, if you'd like. The library, my cubicle, the canteen...'

'Sure, would be cool,' Dean smiles back at her, but he's anxious for alpha. At least the introductions are over, thank God. 

In the next minutes, two people arrive - first, an elegant guy in a suit and tie, looking slightly disgusted and very out of place as he sits down by the wooden table. Must be that Ketch asshole. Dean thinks the room looks really posh, with the dark blue carpet and the fine polished surface of the thick table, but that guy looks way more expensive. 

None of alpha's coworkers look happy to see him, and he notices Dean and stares at him. 

'What is that?' he asks, and Dean flinches and drops his eyes. Fuck. He knew he shouldn't have looked up.

'What is _what_ , Arthur?' Benny asks, irritated, and Castiel stops preparing the presentation and looks at them. 'You seein' something we don't?'

'I see an omega,' Ketch replies in an impeccable English accent. 'Why is it here?'

Dean opens his mouth, ready to say that he's sorry and that he'll leave, but Castiel cuts in, dead serious and kind of terrifying:

'That's my mate Dean. You will treat him with respect or leave.'

Castiel's coworkers look shocked, so Dean thinks that's not how anyone addresses Arthur Ketch on the daily basis. He freezes, afraid, but Ketch just snorts. 

'You alphas and your primitive behaviors,' he rolls his eyes, Dean sees from the corner of his eye. 'Before you turn into a barbarian, please present the topic. We need to sell this idea to the people.'

Castiel stares at him for a while more, looking murderous, but then he glances at Dean, who gives him a half-hearted smile. Feels so good to have someone stand up for him. Benny included. 

He figures Ketch is a beta, then. It's interesting, he rarely hears about betas getting well-paid jobs like these. The man still stares at Dean, but it's not lewd, it's... curious, calculating, and Dean tries not to fidget under it. 

Henry chooses that moment to arrive, and everyone's attention focuses on him. He looks put together and organized, in a suit similar to alpha's instead of Ketch's, and he's a little awkward when he takes a seat, apologizing for being late. Then, he sees Dean, and Dean wishes he'd just stayed at home, at this rate. 

'Dean?' he asks, and looks a little - okay, this one looks different. He looks awed, surprised, Dean doesn't know. 'I - what are you doing here?'

'I brought my mate along,' Castiel explains, sounding tired. 

'Nice to meet you,' Dean offers quietly, not sure if he should speak at all, but the man surprises him again; he gets up, erratically, and comes over, around the table, only to shake his hand eagerly.

Henry has a weird scent. It's not his scent, just someone's who's been around him, but it's still palpable and it's so homey, so familiar, Dean can't breathe for a second or two. Maybe it's some cologne dad used to use, or something. He has no idea and before he can pinpoint it, it's gone.

'Certainly,' Henry assures Dean in the meantime, with a bewildered look. 'I - I have heard about you. From Castiel here, of course. I hope you're going to have a great time at our company.'

'For the love of-' Ketch sighs, exasperated. 'Can we begin the presentation? Unlike your lot, I have things to do and places to be.'

Henry goes back to his seat with a wobbly smile, still looking at Dean like he's seen a ghost. What the fuck. By far the weirdest introduction in Dean's life. Castiel pushes the cupcake container towards Henry, saying that Dean baked it, and finally starts the presentation. 

Dean tries to follow what they're saying, because watching alpha like that is - mesmerizing. He's so confident, speaking about computers and - and Maths, and some platform-dependency, and then about something being - robust? Dean has no idea what it means, and he has no idea what the whole project is about. But everyone's listening, and all alphas - and Ketch - ask questions, and add solutions or ponder on possible mistakes to be fixed. After twenty minutes, Dean figures out that debugging means going line by line to find mistakes, and he feels secretly proud of that. 

Ketch is pissing everyone off. He shoots down all the ideas people come up with and keeps trying to undermine their hard work, and it's done in that high horse fashion that seems to get on everyone's nerves. At some point, Henry pushes the cupcake container to him, and Ketch just stares at it revolted with a sneer.

 _shove one up your ass,_ Dean thinks.

The presentation goes on for a long, long time, but it's mostly enjoyable with how alpha easily handles all the traps that Ketch sends his way, and manages to stay perfectly calm. He advertises the project in such a way that Dean'd buy it even though he still has no idea what it does. Castiel's clearly super smart, and super capable, and with how he describes the precautions they took during the development stage, Dean's sure he'd call him whenever his laptop broke. Maybe he'd even break it on purpose just to listen to that deep, assertive voice when alpha plugs in some cables or whatever. Of course, they're mates, so he doesn't have to, and that's so much better.

Castiel's eyes stray to his every so often, and at some point, Dean gives him a tiny thumbs-up. Alpha's lips tighten like he tries to hold back a smile, and Dean fights a grin of his own. 

After the presentation, Ketch says that he'll have to pass the project to other people to approve, but he begrudgingly admits that it's solid work. Hell yes it is! Dean feels so happy for alpha. And when Ketch leaves, Charlie, Garth, Benny and Jody all cheer and high five each other, and Castiel watches them with a wide smile. 

'We did it!' Charlie laughs. 'Now we only have to finish it and then you'll definitely get approved for your project!'

Castiel looks uncomfortable under the attention, and Dean blinks, twice. They're doing it for alpha? They're - so that he can finally get a green light from his boss to get funding for that dream project of his-

'You really don't have to do all this for me,' Castiel murmurs, embarrassed. 'We're all just trying to provide the best product to our customers-'

'We're all trying to get a raise, and to get you enough accomplishments so that they finally treat you the way you deserve,' Jody interrupts him sternly. 

Castiel drops his eyes and clears his throat, but Dean's perplexed. They're helping alpha out! He knew that this project could help alpha get the funding, but he had no idea his friends were that invested in it. For the first time, he wonders if they all know that Castiel lost his father over the weekend, or if Benny and Charlie kept it to themselves. Either way, these are some great friends he has here.

'So what now?' Henry asks. 'Lunch break?'

'Yes,' Castiel agrees and packs everything. 'Me and Dean will join you shortly. You go on.'

His coworkers leave, still smiling and talking about the meeting. 

'Did I do something wrong?' Dean asks, anxiety twisting his stomach, as soon as the doors close and he and alpha are alone. 

'No, sweetheart, you were great,' Castiel crosses over to him and hugs him. 'I just wanted to give you a moment to breathe.'

'Oh. Okay. And congrats,' Dean says into alpha's shoulder. 'You were so good! You dodged all the shit that Ketch guy threw at you. And you were so - so smart!'

Castiel pulls back, smiling.

'You liked it?'

'Yeah,' Dean nods. 'I mean, I didn't really understand most of it. But it was great to watch you do your thing.'

'Thank you,' alpha entwines their fingers together and leads him out of the room. 'I think we should eat?'

'I wanna go to the bathroom first?' Dean asks, and so Castiel takes him, and even gets inside. 

'I can't do it when you just - stand there!' Dean complains. It's like that time he was sick and alpha didn't let him close to the door. 

'You can go in the stall if you prefer, but there are no omega bathrooms, I have to make sure no one bothers you,' Castiel insists, and it's super awkward. It shouldn't be, not with how... far they are in their relationship, but it is cause Castiel's just... there, silent and protective. At least he has his back to him. Dean does his business as quickly as possible and when he washes his hands, alpha embraces him and rests his forehead on his shoulder, and it's sweet. Dean sees their reflection in the mirror and he tips his head to the left to rest it on alpha's.

'You did it,' he says, hoping to sound comforting. He doesn't even know what bothers alpha.

'I know, I'm just tired,' he replies. 'I was surprised to see Henry remembered your name. I showed him your photo, a while ago. Still, he seemed very enthusiastic.'

'Yeah,' Dean agrees. 'It was kinda weird.'

'Are you afraid?'

'What, no,' Dean shakes his head. 'Seriously. Didn't get any bad vibes from anyone.' Not even from Ketch, though he doesn't mention it. He just treated him like most alphas or betas treat omegas.

'Okay,' alpha sighs, and then his stomach rumbles. 'Let's go eat.'

When they exit the bathroom, Dean wonders about something, and he decides to ask.

'How does it work, omegas coming here?'

Castiel frowns.

'Well, the job policy is that omegas can accompany the employees. As long as they don't distract them from work. I made sure this company is omega-friendly and progressive, before I joined it. It's not as progressive as the center Charlie found, of course, but some laws protect you here. Other alphas aren't allowed to bother you, because you are, uh-' he hesitates. 'You're mine.'

'I'm your property, I know,' Dean nods, and sees alpha grimace. 'And yeah sure, it's bad for business if alphas get possessive and fight with other alphas, too much trouble. That's why I wasn't even allowed in most of Alastair's workplaces.'

Even though Alastair didn't really care, sometimes he'd get possessive of Dean as well. Depended on who tried to pick a bone with him. Very often it wasn't even about Dean but about getting back at Alastair, and that's why it makes sense to Dean to remove himself from such games altogether. He can't imagine how much it can mess up regular work, projects, conferences... But this place... is nice. Sure, he's never even left alpha's side, and no one usually bothers him when he's with alpha. But still - his coworkers and the guard, they were all very kind and welcoming. Maybe alpha surrounds himself with such people on purpose. 

'I don't see it happen too often, but alphas do bring their mates to work,' Castiel replies as they're going down the stairs. 'I never interacted with the omegas, as you know, but I've seen them around. They also visit to bring lunch or forgotten documents, but some just come over for company. That is how I know that their alphas are decent people. There have never been any issues with omegas, here, and I'm confident my bosses wouldn't allow anything improper. Essentially, it's up to alphas if they decide to come with their mates, because it is considered a part of their private life. Unless the omegas are really distracting, but that's just theory. I've never seen a loud omega.'

 

 

  
The canteen is huge. Dean stares, wide-eyed, at the insane amount of food. Castiel tells him he can pick anything, but he doesn't even know where to start. 

He finally settles on a burger and fries, but as he loads them on his plate, a staff member comes over to add more food and opens his mouth, preparing to scold him. Castiel saves him, blissfully unaware of it, picking that moment to come over and dump some salad on his plate. 

'Vegetables are important, baby,' he says sternly, and Dean would roll his eyes if he wasn't staring at the staff member.

'Is this your omega?' the guy asks, irritated, but Castiel pays him no mind, just nodding dismissively. The staff guy isn't happy, but he retreats. Alpha shows Dean where to get drinks, and they join the coworkers by the table, and Castiel tells him to sit down with them.

It feels weird, sharing a table with so many alphas, but no one seems to be affronted by it.

The conversation is light and Dean's glad to be left alone most of the time, except for alpha's hand that sits on his thigh, comforting. At some point Garth asks him about the food, then Charlie asks about the fair, and finally Benny asks if he considered coming back to visit him. Alpha tells him that yes, they can come over to Benny's some weekend, and Dean perks up at that. He can't wait to throw some knives with Benny, and now he even has his own. Suddenly, he misses dad so much, it takes his breath away. What'd he think, seeing Dean here, talking to alphas despite not hiding his status, with an alpha that really takes care of him? 

He has no idea. Dad hated all alphas, it seemed, maybe except Sammy.

After the meal, Charlie takes him to the library. Castiel looks anxious to let him go, but he finally agrees when Dean says it's fine.

He's a little nervous, but not too much, because Charlie keeps talking, telling him what's going on on every floor, and some stories about the office, like that one time she got stuck in an elevator with an exec she really disliked. 

'And it did _not_ go like in the movies,' she sighs. 

Dean snorts.

'So he wasn't the devil starting a string of horrible deaths in the elevator? Shocking.'

Charlie laughs at that before Dean can get scared.

'Dude, what movies have you been watching?! No, I meant we didn't make out. Seriously, though, what the hell!'

Dean shrugs, but he's smiling.

'I've seen lots of horrors,' he replies. 'My dad, he kinda liked them too.'

He doesn't know why he shares that. He just can't stop thinking about dad, and it's not all sad.

'So a family hobby?' _Man, you have no idea,_ Dean thinks. 'You should go see some new horror in the cinema, with Castiel.'

Dean considers it all the way to the library, and there, Charlie tells him to go pick however many books he wants. 

'I'll just be over there, if you need anything.'

Dean's happy to get more space, and he thinks she senses it. The library's empty save for them, so he's not scared. He wanders around, goes through the fantasy and sci-fi section, not sure what to pick. He doesn't even like books much. He thinks that the alphas in a place like this probably read important books. Like, science books or classics. Dean doesn't know almost any classics, so that's where he ends up. He picks up some Hemingway, and then some Steinbeck. They look equally boring. He should take two, but what if alpha actually expects him to read it? Better take just one. He leaves with Hemingway, but stops on his way to Charlie. There's a rack of old superhero comics. Dean remembers reading them as a kid, he remembers the exact issues as he goes over them. Suddenly, he really really wants to take this home. He thinks maybe alpha won't mind. He likes when Dean's happy, right?

So he takes five issues and finds Charlie, who's reading some fantasy novel waiting for him and glancing cautiously at the door from time to time. Dean realizes that she's keeping watch, making sure no other alpha enters and threatens him, and his heart warms at the thought. He has more than one alpha looking out for him, _and_ not making a big deal out of it.

Charlie tells him it's a great choice, even the comics, so he relaxes a bit. Then, she leads him back to alpha's office, but they pass by her cubicle, so she shows him a photo from a convention, with actors he recognizes from a movie.

'Whoa,' Dean says, holding the photo gingerly. 'Were they cool?'

'Yeah, mostly,' Charlie shrugs. 'Didn't get much time to talk. But! I have a whole DVD collection, director's cut. Not just this, but most famous movies. If you ever want to borrow it - well, Dorothy said you could as well take it, but that's only cause she hates Lord of the Rings - just let me know.'

'Thanks,' Dean smiles. It could be fun. He looks at the various items on Charlie's desk; the photos, the figures and posters, even an Arwen mug. 'Hey, I wanted to ask something. If that's okay.'

'Sure, shoot.'

'You guys seem to really like alpha,' he says. 'But I know you're especially close to him, and the other people, I mean - it doesn't seem like they go out a lot or anything. So why - why do you care so much about alpha getting his project? If it's okay to ask, I mean. I don't really get how everything works, yet, so I'm not tryin' to overstep or anything-'

Charlie stops him with a raised hand.

'That's okay, Dean,' she assures him with a smile. 'I know Castiel's not the most social guy out there. And most people find him... stuck up,' she grimaces. These words again. 'We've had some issues with the other workers, in the past, because some were bullies. Especially with how he never had a mate and you know, he gets weird sometimes. But our team, we know him well. And he never really opens up, but he's the first person to help. Jody lost her husband and kid in a freak accident, years ago, before I even came to the company, and she wasn't coping well. Castiel recommended her his own psychiatrist, even got her the appointment without waiting. She got better. He always helps Garth out with work, the dude was worried he'd never stay here after his internship but Castiel got his back, taught him everything. I think Benny just respects Castiel after years of hard work, though I know they didn't get along at first. And then there's me, and I just plain out like your husband. And he's the one you can always count on. We'd like to pay it back, cause the bosses keep taunting him with a promotion that they never grant. He's been here for twenty freaking years, you know?'

'But he got the office,' Dean remembers, though he's pissed on alpha's behalf. That's probably why none of the other guys working at their computers greeted them. But that's fine, cause alpha has solid friends, and now he has him, too, and Dean will make sure he's happy.

'Yeah, that was sort of like 'we have to give him something cause it's been too long',' Charlie explains. 'Even he saw that, I think. I mean, the office is still nice, and he got a small raise, but it's not what he wants. He wants funding for his personal project, and finally, after we're done with this one, I don't think they can say no anymore. Henry likes him too, and he really cares about the job, so I'm pretty sure it'll work out.'

Dean nods, mulling it over. He always wanted to have a good job, maybe not like this one, but any job in general, and the idea of working somewhere for twenty years without making any progress that counted, that sucks. And alpha knows how to fight for himself, like he just did during the presentation, so why didn't he stand up to his bosses? But Dean remembers that he said he's afraid of authority. 

He still thinks about it when he goes back to alpha's office, says bye to Charlie and enters. It's empty, so he puts the comics in alpha's briefcase, in the back section that he knows he never uses. 

Castiel comes in within minutes, and he beams when he sees him.

'How was the library?'

'Fine,' Dean says and comes over to show him the book. 'I got this, and-'

'Oh, The Old Man and The Sea?' Castiel smiles, seeing the cover. 'I see you want to try some classic literature. Have you read it before?'

'No,' Dean shakes his head. 'Didn't read much at all. And I didn't reach the level of regular school where they make you read it, so...' he trails off and shrugs.

But alpha must take it for embarrassment at being undereducated.

'You can catch up on all the classics now!' he says enthusiastically. 'And we can have a discussion about it, too. I enjoy Hemingway, though his books may be a bit depressing at times. But I'm so happy you want to explore more of the things you missed in your youth.'

Great. 

'Sure,' Dean settles on that. Good thing he hid the comics. If alpha thinks he's headed down the academic road, he can't disappoint him. He feels stupid; he should've taken the other guy, Steinbeck, too, instead of some superhero crap. Alpha'd think he's a child, he just keeps proving it everytime they go anywhere. It makes him feel even worse after having witnessed how smart Castiel is during his presentation. Geez, they just really don't fit together. If Dean was a beta... no way Castiel would've even noticed him. _Good thing I'm an omega,_ Dean thinks bitterly. 

But alpha still seems to like Dean for more than his body. Why, Dean has no idea.

'I have to work on my laptop now, but maybe you'd like to read on the couch? Or you could listen to music? You have your phone and I have earphones, if you need them...'

'I can read,' Dean says, barreling on, because now there's no going back. He has to read it, and understand it, and talk to alpha about it. Still. Things were much worse at Alastair's work, no nice leather couch to sit on, no book to read, no kind, hot husband in vicinity.

So Dean sits on the couch, awkwardly at first, but as Castiel works, he unwinds and ends up laying down, with his feet in the air so that he won't stain the couch with his sneakers. 

The book is fucking boring. No one's even said any words yet, there's just a lot of water.

He only realizes he's falling asleep when something soft settles on top of him. It's a blanket, and Dean blinks and looks up at alpha blearily. 

'Get some sleep, sweetheart,' Castiel says, and pets his head. Oh God, this is worth reading at least three more similar books. 

Dean's out before alpha goes back to his seat, exhausted after the night of barely-any sleep. 

 

 

He sleeps for most of the day. When he wakes, alpha's there again, sitting by his side and brushing his fingers through his hair. It feels so good everytime, without fail. 

'Hello,' he says and smiles at him like Dean's something amazing.

'Hi,' Dean replies and sits up, and latches onto him like an octopus. Castiel's warm and smells good, and Dean dozes off against his shoulder, again. 

'We have to go, I'm done with work,' Castiel chuckles, rubbing his back. 'You can sleep at home. Or I could carry you to the-'

'Nope, I'm okay,' Dean says, opening his eyes and trying to wake up properly. He doesn't want Castiel's coworkers to see him being _carried_ like a little kid. He gets up, staggers a little, really loving the steadying, firm hand Castiel puts on his hip, and then he puts on his coat. It's dark outside, behind the window, and the city looks so vast, alight with millions of lights, but it's still a worse view than the one from Castiel's hiding spot. But not worse than the wheel, Dean thinks. Yeah, not many things can be worse than the wheel. 

Alpha leads him out of the building, and Dean feels coherent when they pass by the security desk, and the Greg guy grunts a bye. He doesn't even thank for the cupcakes, but whatever. It's sort of cold outside and Dean shivers when they go to the underground parking. The interior of the car gets warm fast, though.

'You're tired,' Castiel states, as he drives home. 

'Yeah,' Dean agrees after a beat. He doesn't feel like talking, he really just dreams about going back to his nest and going back to sleep.

'Maybe we can order takeout?' alpha asks. 

'Yes please,' Dean sighs, that's great. Cooking would take too much effort right now. 

When they get back home, alpha orders pizza while Dean carries his briefcase upstairs and hurriedly hides the comics under the bed. He doesn't think alpha ever looks down there, so it should be safe. 

When the food arrives, they eat, and Dean feels more awake. Afterwards, he lies down on the couch and alpha encourages him to put his head in his lap. Dean's never slept like that, but it's very nice, alpha's thigh warm and solid under his cheek.

'Can you touch my hair?' he asks, and sighs and hooks his arm around Castiel's knee when he does. So maybe he's clingy tonight. Whatever.

'You like that, don't you?' Castiel looks down at him, his fingers brushing through Dean's hair gently.

'Yeah,' Dean sighs and closes his eyes. He can actually _feel_ himself relax, and then alpha moves his hands down and squeezes his shoulders, and he can feel _that_ all the way down his spine, and he moans.

'Uh,' he hides his face in Castiel's leg. 'I'm sorry.'

'Don't be,' alpha rubs his thumbs over his shoulderblades, and then _presses_. Dean bites his lip so hard, he can feel it bleed, but he doesn't make a sound. 'You're very tense. Does it feel good?'

'Yes,' he breathes, because it feels _magnificent_. It hurts but hurts so good, like his entire back is tingling and like there's suddenly more space in his body, and it's easier to move. 'Can you do it again?'

'Sit up,' Castiel taps him on the arm and Dean does, and then he gets the best - maybe the only - massage of his life. By the end of it, he's slumped forward and dozing off again, and it's bliss. Alpha even avoids the painful places, like the burn that still itches or some nasty scars that feel weird when they're touched. His hands are sure and both strong and gentle, somehow, and Dean loves it, he doesn't know when was the last time he felt so gooey, all his muscles loose.

'This is sooo good,' he mumbles, and Castiel chuckles.

'Do you feel better now?' he wraps his arms around Dean and rests his head on his shoulder, breathing in his scent.

'Feel amazin',' Dean threads their fingers together and continues to fall asleep. 

He doesn't know how long they stay like that, but it's a while, and it's hard to go upstairs and shower. They kind of do it together, Castiel steps in just as Dean finishes, half-hiding behind the curtain.

'Please do use the ointment,' alpha says, and takes his place under the spray. Dean takes out the medicine though he stalls, but alpha doesn't look, he turns around to give him privacy. Then, Dean quickly dresses up again, in his soft sweatpants and the T-shirt, and brushes his teeth. There's something about being able to do these things together that he really loves. 

He thinks alpha's gonna try to kiss him and get him in the mood when they go to bed, but he doesn't. He just lies down and sets an alarm, so Dean stops by the drawer and hesitates. 

'Would it be okay if I showed you something?' he asks. 

'Of course,' Castiel nods seriously, sitting up. 'What?'

'My stuff,' Dean shrugs, and opens the drawer. It's just a bunch of crap to alpha, probably, but he kind of wants to share how happy it makes him, being able to touch his things, to look at them, a proof of a life that once was. He doesn't think he could ever explain that. 

'I'd love to see it,' alpha sounds earnest and honest and actually... interested, so Dean takes everything out and carries it to bed. He sits down in his nest, kicks the blankets aside and shows Castiel the photo first.

'This is my dad and my mom, and my brother. I know I showed you before. It's the only photo of my mom that I have,' he admits. Castiel takes it gingerly like it's made of glass and he squints at the faces. 'The house in the background used to be ours. And this-' he picks up the amulet and shows it too. 'It was supposed to be a gift for my dad, years ago, but my brother gave it to me instead. I used to wear it everyday.'

'Does it mean anything?' Castiel asks, turning the amulet around. It looks like a demon's face, Dean doesn't know. 

'I'm not sure. I just like it,' Dean shrugs. He doesn't like it for the design; he likes it cause it's cool and it's from Sammy. He hands alpha his wallet. 'Six bucks,' he says. 'We can go wild.'

'We can't spend this money,' alpha frowns. 

'I'm just kidding,' Dean rolls his eyes. There's his watch that he wore daily, and the ring and the bracelet. 

'Did you like jewellery?' alpha asks. 

'I guess.'

'I would love to see the you from twenty years ago,' Castiel muses. He picks up the knife, slowly, like he's afraid of it. 'And the knife? From your father, I assume?'

'Yep,' Dean unsheaths it. 'It's pretty simple but resilient. Dad got it for me when I turned 14. Birthday gift,' he traces the edge of it with his fingers. The blade's a little dull, he doesn't remember the last time he sharpened it before they caught him. 'I miss my dad.'

He says it before he realizes he opened his mouth, and he gets up and puts everything back, to get busy. There are still his things from Alastair - the postcard, the car magazine, his clothes. He doesn't want to talk about the postcard though.

'What was he like?' Castiel asks and Dean startles.

'Uh,' he thinks about it for a moment, lingering next to the drawer. 'Grumpy, I guess. Stubborn as hell,' he chuckles, remembering all the times dad chose to do things his way, despite everything everyone else told him. 'But he wasn't always like that. Sometimes, he could forget about mom and chasing the killer and then he was actually pretty cool to hang out with-'

He stops when he notices that alpha sat up straighter, and he looks concerned. Dean goes over whatever he said and-

'Oh, shit.'

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> seems like it's time for dean to spill his entire backstory. apart from that, just a regular day at the office!  
> & yes haven't forgotten about the tree tea. and about gabe, and some other minor stuff. bear with me, they have a lot of ground to cover.  
> thanks for all the kudos and comments, as always, feels great to read the feedback and hear that so many of you enjoy this story! :)) what are your thoughts on this one? did you like it, did you hate it, hit me up!
> 
> edited to add: yes I know, trust me I know that everyone's waiting for Sam and it won't be long now. it's been just 13 days for cas and dean and there's some stuff that's gotta happen first, but it is happening.


End file.
